New Beginning- Ellen's Story
by JennTH
Summary: Ellen's Point of View from my first story New Beginning. Begins after New Beginning and a year after the war ended. Goes from her second year to adulthood. OC so you might not like. Story dedicated to a dedicated reviewer, Sassy.
1. Summer before second year

A/N: Sequel to my first story, New Beginning. This is for you, Sassy. I hope you enjoy! As for everyone else, these are OCs so you might not like. Anyway, I wrote New Beginning years ago, but then I moved it to a blog. I started this story just for fun while I worked on better projects. However, as much as it was just for fun, I grew to enjoy writing about these characters. So whenever I have writers block on my real stories, or even when I am feeling stressed, I write about these characters lives. Many people might not enjoy this since it's OC and all but this story as bad as it might be actually got me through stressful times. Whenever I was feeling upset, I would think about some happy things happening to them or even bad things. I would sit down, and write about them. I logged back onto this site recently and saw some recent requests for this story. So I've decided to resurrect it here since some people don't want to read it on my blog.

Summer

"We need to talk," Those words kept echoing in my head.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had trouble sleeping as I thought about the conversation my parents and I had a week ago when we got home from the train station. Timmy already knew what was going on, but he had clung to me as they sat me down in the kitchen, and explained that they were going to get divorced.

"Can't you two work on it?" I had asked. "There's marriage counseling," I added as I remembered that one of my muggle classmates' parents had had it.

"We haven't gotten along in years honey," mum had said. "This has been going on for a very long time. We can no longer live under the same roof. I've already found us an apartment. We'll be moving at the end of the month. Your father is going to stay here, and you'll visit him again for a week in August. Timmy will see him every other weekend."

This didn't seem fair at all, but I was sure it was my father's idea. He barely spent time home as it was because of work. After we'd come out of hiding, he had started working even harder. He worked in Muggle relations. Sometimes I wondered if he wanted to just be a muggle again. I didn't understand why when it was every kids dream to be magical. He didn't seem as happy about it as most people would be. He didn't use magic as much as mum did. I knew that once Ashley and Michael were on their own, they would use magic as much as they wanted. Maybe my father was even ashamed of having magical kids, he didn't seem too unhappy that he wouldn't be seeing us on a regular basis.

"But the war was stressful," I had said. "Maybe if you gave yourselves more time. It's because we were in hiding wasn't it?"

"No," my father had finally spoken up. He'd kept quiet while my mother had broken the news. "We weren't getting along before we went into hiding. I know last year was stressful on everyone, and we were cramped in here together. I suppose it didn't help, but being in hiding wasn't the reason we stopped getting along. I'll admit that the war does have quite a bit to do with it, but I've had these feelings about magic for a while."

"What do you mean?" I had asked although it sounded to me as if he were confirming my suspicions.

"Being magical has some uses," my dad had begun, "but otherwise I find it does more harm than good. It's something your mother and I have never agreed with. I wasn't even sure if I wanted the two of you to go to Hogwarts, but I know it would be wrong to deny you that opportunity. There are days when I just want to snap my wand in half and pretend that I am not a wizard. Just after going through everything with You-Know-Who twice, I'm just not as sure of that world as much as I was when I was twelve. Right now, I just use magic for my basic needs but otherwise I quite enjoy the muggle life."

How could my father just focus on the negative parts about it? I didn't ask him but it was something I thought about all week. I didn't know for sure if he was going to quit being a wizard for good, but it explained why he'd been so happy about living in a muggle neighbourhood. My mother had always agreed with him about that part, but she also wanted us to be as magical as possible.

She'd found a nice sized flat in London, not too far from Diagon Alley. It was a nice three bedroom flat, and it even had a large balcony and an outdoor public pool. We wouldn't be moving in until the end of July. I felt nothing but anger as I thought about it. I was angry at them, and everyone else, including my friends.

I had a pile of letters on my desk from my friends. Ashley had already written to me twice, but I'd left her letters unopened. I had chucked out any letters I'd gotten from Ben. The only persons letters I'd read were Michaels, but I hadn't responded to him yet. He was one person I thought would understand, but after a while I felt I couldn't respond to him. There was something more in his letters than there used to be. I might have been wrong, but during the last term, especially after his party I felt as if he liked me. His letters seemed to be more intimate than they used to be.

I wasn't sure why I was ignoring Ashley's letters except that sometimes she annoyed me. Her problems seemed so small compared to what I was going through. She was a good friend of mine, but as Ben had told her in the past, she could be so whiny. She complained about her looks, the way people treated her, and her sister. If she would just work harder on herself, maybe people wouldn't bother her so much. The change in her eyebrows had been enough proof that she could be cute if she put in some effort. She just focused way too much on how beautiful her sister was though, so she didn't bother. I knew in the back of my mind that maybe I was feeling a bit mean, but at the moment I didn't care.

Ben was the one who made me the angriest. I felt it was his fault that I had been so sure that doing all the homework would make my parents stay together. Not only that, but he had such a perfect life. He had parents who were still as much in love as they had been when they got married, maybe even more so. He had a beautiful house, he was so smart and with the exception of Brenda, the perfect siblings. I hated that he had so much but he insisted that nothing about his life was perfect.

As I thought more about Ben, I suddenly got up out of bed and hurried to turn on my light. I sat down at my desk and scribbled out a long angry letter to him. I told him everything that I had kept bottled up for months. It was the most I had ever written, and by the time I was done, I felt a lot better than I had in a week. Feeling better, I turned to Ashley's letters. A part of me wanted to be as mean to her as I'd been to Ben, but as I read through her letters I just couldn't do it. She'd always been a good friend to me, so in the end I wrote to her a friendly letter.

As I finished the letter, there was a knock on my door. I glanced up to see it opening slowly. Timmy stood in the doorway in white pajamas that had Snitches all over them. Most nights he came in and crawled into bed with me. I didn't mind at all. I couldn't imagine how he felt. He'd had to witness all the fighting and he'd even been there when mum had told my father that she wanted a divorce. He'd told me after our parents had talked to us that she'd shouted it at him one morning after they'd had a fight. My father had responded that he was glad and they would take care of it right away.

"Get in the bed," I told Timmy. "I just want to finish up some letters."

Timmy nodded and then hurried to climb into my bed. I turned to write a letter to Michael next. After writing Dear Michael, I couldn't think of anything else to write to him. I put down my quill and pushed the letter away. I got up and turned off the light before heading into bed. Timmy was already fast asleep. I wished at times that I could fall asleep as fast as he could.

The next morning my mother woke Timmy and me up early.

"We're going to London to buy some new things for the flat," she told us. "We're just going to start sending everything there. Timmy, you need to start sleeping in your own bed."

"Leave him be," I told her.

It was ironic that I was telling her something both she and my father used to tell me. Timmy got out of my bed and headed out the door without saying a word. He barely said much to my parents these days. I turned to my mother who was looking around my room.

"Ellen, I need you to start packing everything you want to take to the new place. Of course you'll be visiting your father still, so anything you want to keep here you can but I'd like you to start packing today when we come home. We'll go bathing suit shopping today too, you've outgrown your old ones and you'll need something for the pool," mum said. "I want you to discourage Timmy from sleeping in here as well."

"No," I instantly responded. "He can sleep in here as much he wants until he's ready to sleep in his own room."

"Ellen, he's seven years old now. He can sleep on his own," mum replied.

"Don't you understand what your fighting has done to him?" I asked angrily.

It wasn't often I back talked my parents, but I was so angry and stressed lately that I didn't care at the moment. She needed to know exactly what their fighting was doing to us.

"Ellen-" mum began in a warning voice.

"No mum, you can get angry with me all you want, but I have to say this. You and dad don't get along anymore, and that sucks. You know what sucks more though? Listening to the two you fight all the time! Maybe it's better you're getting divorced so we don't have to see or hear it anymore. You don't understand how much this is upsetting him. He had to see it all. Couldn't you two have fought in private?"

Mum stared at me in shock. She didn't say a word as I turned to my trunk and opened it. I rifled through it until I found a bundle of letters I had kept. Wordlessly, I walked over to her and handed them to her.

"Read those. Timmy has been writing to me since Christmas. You can see just how much your fighting has bothered him. I was lucky enough to be at Hogwarts, but he had to witness it all. You're right, he is seven years old and no seven year old should have to go through what you two to put him through," I said to her harshly.

Mum didn't say a word, but she looked at each letter, and her face paled as she began reading them.

"I didn't realize," she whispered. "Ellen, why didn't you tell me?"

"It wouldn't have changed anything," I said. "Timmy can sleep in my room for as long as he wants to."

"Just get dressed honey; we're going to go to Diagon Alley soon. I want to go to some muggle shops as well," she turned and walked off still reading through the letters I had handed her. I hoped she was going to show them to my father.

Although the day had begun with a rough start, the three of us ended up having a lot of fun while we picked out new furnishings for the new apartment. We went to muggle stores to pick out all of the furniture which my mother asked to have shipped to our new place on the day of the move. We then went shopping for some new muggle clothes as well. A lot of older witches and wizards wore robes but most kids wore muggle clothing, even some purebloods did. I wasn't as kept up to date on muggle fashion but I know what I liked.

"Can I get makeup to wear this year too?" I asked mum while she picked out some new schools clothes for Timmy.

I was hoping maybe I could convince Ashley to wear some makeup as well. They had a makeup line in Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. I wanted to go shopping with Ashley when we all got together in Diagon Alley (which I wasn't sure by that point when we would) to see if I could get her interested. I'd been interested for a while but my mum had told me that I couldn't wear it in first year. There were times when I had borrowed some from the three ditzes from Hufflepuff. However, I wanted my own makeup and I wanted to wear it every day.

"We can get some," mum answered surprising me. "But I want to teach you how to put it on. I don't want you to wear too much. I've seen how much girls your age wear. There really is no need to wear so much."

"I actually wanted to buy some with Ashley," I told her. "I want to see if I can convince her to wear some."

"Well don't force the girl to do something she doesn't want to do though dear," mum said.

"I won't, but she is so unhappy with her looks. I just think if she works on her appearance she might get a bit more confidence. Anyone can look better if they try," I said. "Besides, I think it would be fun for us to dress up, and it might shut the boys up when they bother her."

"What do you mean?" mum asked as we headed over to look at new shoes. Timmy had remained very quiet that day, but he was usually very quiet.

"Well Ben doesn't do it anymore, but the other boys are always calling her ugly. Michael is constantly making fun of her, but he mainly does it behind her back, and so does a boy named Jared and a few others. Some girls like that Tara girl I told you about does. Ashley really likes this boy Denver, but she won't admit it and I know she won't have the confidence to speak up to him. I just want to help her," I explained.

"That's just awful," mum said. "She's such a sweet girl. I really like that girl. I'm glad you made friends with her as well as Ben. From what you've told me about Michael though, I don't know if I like him. People shouldn't be making fun of her. I think she's a cute little thing; she looks a lot like her mum I think. She's still so young, and she can always grow into her looks. A lot of people are awkward at your age. Do what you can to boost her confidence but don't make her feel pressured."

"I won't," I answered.

I thought about going on about Michael, but I changed my mind. Instead, I just went to look at some new shoes while mum picked out some for Timmy. I glanced at my little brother and I wondered what I could do that summer to cheer him up. I planned to spend as much time with him as I could. I knew there was a playground not too far from our new building, so maybe I could take him there to play at times. I also wondered if it was possible to take him to Ashley's at some point so he could play with the kids she baby-sat.

"Are you ready to pick out some bathing suits now?" Mum asked after Timmy and I both had new shoes to wear. I'd pick out a cute new pair of sandals as well.

I had a feeling my parents were going to do what a lot of divorced parents did, and that was to buy a lot of things for us. My father had already informed me that he wanted buy a lot of new stuff for me.

"Can I get a bikini this year?" I asked.

"I don't see why not," mum answered which was another surprise. She was definitely trying to do her best to make us happy.

We walked over to the swim wear area of the department store, and I instantly went to the bathing suits. I decided to pick out a couple one pieces but a red bikini caught my eye. For a second I day dreamed about swimming in the pool while Hank mysteriously turned up. I knew of course that was impossible, I wasn't even sure where he lived. Towards the end of first year I had started to really like him, and I'd started to think about him a lot. I was sure there would be some cute boys my own age as well at the apartment building. I smiled and grabbed the bikini.

Sure the summer was off to a bad start, but at that moment I decided I wasn't going to mope around about it either. I was going to have to do what I could to enjoy it and not dwell on the divorce. I had a feeling that if I acted sad then Timmy would as well. I needed to show him that things could get better for us. I remembered a time when I had found him annoying when he was hyper, but I missed that about him now. I wanted my little brother back the way he used to be.

By the time we were done shopping that day, the car was full of bags. There was also a lot more stuff that had to be shipped to the new place, and I had to wonder just how much money my mum had saved away. I knew she made good money, but we were nowhere near being rich. That day, not only had we bought some new living room and kitchen furniture, but we'd all needed new beds as well. My bed that I had at our house was staying there. I felt overwhelmed by the shopping spree. It made me think about how life would be like when I moved out of my own for the first time. I wondered how my friends would feel about renting a flat together when we were first on our own. I knew a lot of people did that when they first moved out. It would be something I'd bring up later when we were in the seventh year. Perhaps I'll even be with Ben by that point. I thought myself, and I wondered why I had that thought.

When we got home, I decided to send out my letter to Ben first. I would wait to send the letter to Ashley, but I wanted to see what his reaction would be when he read my letter. For some reason I wanted to get a rise out of the boy. It was one of the reasons I liked teasing Ben about Jaime so much. It was something I had added in the letter. I knew the letter was going to make him angry but I didn't care. Apart of me felt good when I thought about how upset he was going to get, and how angry his letter back to me would be.

For the next few days while I waited for him to write back, I spent the time with Timmy. We had a school park near our house, and almost every day I took him to it. Although I felt that a lot of his games were babyish, I sat down and played with him. A few times while we were out and about, I saw some of my old classmates but none came to speak to me. I hadn't seen them in two years. While I wasn't bullied like Ashley had been, I hadn't had many close friends in school. There were some people I'd been friendly with, but I'd never actually had a friend. Ashley and Ben were my first best friends. Seeing my old classmates made me realize how lucky I'd been compared to Ashley. I'd told her in my letter not to let her old school mates get her down, but I wasn't sure how much of my advice she would take.

Feathers, our owl returned without a letter back from Ben and I felt disappointed. I guessed I had made him so angry that he couldn't write me back. It was a bit of a surprise. Usually Ben had a snappy retort ready, but maybe he was waiting a few days. Perhaps he would send a letter to me with his own owl later. I decided to send Ashley's letter to her next. In the meantime, I had to write to Michael. I'd gotten more letters from him. He was almost writing daily. He had an owl call, so he could get a different owl as much he wanted. He seemed to be getting desperate for a response. I decided just to tell him about the divorce and that was it. I didn't know what else to talk to him about because I didn't want to give him any false ideas. So I just gave him a short and simple letter. I would mail it as soon as I got Ashley's response.

When I wasn't trying to cheer Timmy up, I was packing my room up. One afternoon while I was packing my old children's books, Hooty, Ben's owl flew in through my open window. I felt excited to see that he had written to me at first. I realized right away that it was actually Ashley who had written to me. Feathers had returned without a letter from Ashley, and at first I believed she was angry with me too. I wondered if Ben had told her about my angry letter to him. So I'd sent out Michael's letter, but I felt a little depressed that neither Ben or Ashley had written back. Hooty however had two letters attached to him and I realized that Ashley had wanted him to drop off my letter first, and then go to Bens. I guessed Feathers hadn't hung around for her response which cheered me up. She wasn't upset with me after all. I was tempted to open her letter to Ben, but I knew it was wrong so I sent Hooty on his way.

I opened Ashley's letter feeling a little worried that she was upset with me anyway.

Dear Ellen,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I'll be honest; I didn't know what to write at first. I am really sorry that your parents are getting divorced. I can't imagine what you're going through. I wrote so many letters trying to find the right words, but I couldn't. I really hope you're okay. Ben and I were thinking we should get together sometime for the summer, how about around your birthday?

My summer is going really well. Babysitting the boys keeps me really busy. Jaime and I are getting along really well too. She apologized as soon as I got off the train. She felt really bad about everything she had said to me. She was just going through a stressful situation and she took it out on me. She even helped mum and Rachel decorate my room for me. Wait until you see it, it's all Hufflepuff themed. They did an amazing job. She also told me not to let Michael get me down. I told her how he and Jared are always making fun of me, and she said that I shouldn't let him anymore. I'm honestly tired of it.

That's basically all that is new since my last letter. Let me know when we can get together so I can let Pat know. Do you want it around your birthday? My mum says you three can come over anytime, and I know Ben wants us to go over there too. I have a small pool at my place now too. Write back soon.

Ashley.

I felt relieved after I read her letter. It didn't look as if Ben had told her what I'd said. The two of them seemed as if they were getting closer. I'd noticed it happening. Ever since he'd decided to make it up to her for making fun of her, the two seemed tight. Often I would see the two of them talking together and I would feel some jealousy about it. I'd been friends with each of them first. They wouldn't even be friends if it weren't for me, so I didn't understand why they seemed closer. Ashley should have been grateful because if I hadn't decided to befriend her, she might have stayed friendless.

I shook my head as I tried to clear the bitter thoughts away. I had to stop thinking that way about her. She'd been nothing but loyal to me from day one. It was the same with Ben as well. For the first time since I'd written him the angry letter, I started to feel a bit bad. I was taking my problems out on my friends, and I knew it. I sighed as I put her letter down.

I headed downstairs to find my parents in the kitchen. They were discussing custody agreements and how they were going to divide everything. I cleared my throat to let them know I was there.

"Yes dear," mum asked.

"My friends want to know when I go to their places. I think Ashley wants me at her place for a week, and so does Ben. They were thinking for my birthday," I said.

"No, we've already arranged how you're going to spend your birthday," mum answered right away.

"Why not the last two weeks of August?" My father asked. "You can visit your friends if you'll spend as much of the summer as you can with us."

"I can work with that," mum agreed. "We are going to be taking it in turns to see you dear. I'd really like it very much if we can see as much of you as can before we send you off to Hogwarts. If they can, perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Hoofer will take you shopping for your school supplies while you're there. It will save me a trip, and Ashley and Michael will need a way there anyway. If not, tell Ashley she can come with us if she has to. I know she'll need to get there. I'll even take her to Ben's place when you go."

"I'll see what my friends say," I said.

I was surprised to see my parents getting along for once. I wasn't sure if it was because they had come to a mutual agreement about their divorce, or if it was because I'd told them how upset their fighting had made Timmy. Either way, it seemed for the last couple of weeks that we would be living there it was going to be peaceful. I had slowly helped Timmy cheer up. He had even spent the last couple of nights in his room and he'd started playing with some of his friends again. He was a bit upset because he was going to have to change schools, but I was sure he would adapt to it.

I left the kitchen and hurried back up to my room. I wrote three different letters to my friends. All three basically said the same thing. I told them that we could all get together for the last two weeks of August if they wanted, but I was going to spend my birthday at home with my parents. I told them to let me know when we could all get together. I also added in the letter to Ashley that my mother would take her to Ben's if she wanted us to. I asked in Ben's letter if his parents wouldn't mind taking us to Diagon Alley when I went there.

I waited for Ben to write back and tell me that I was not welcome in his home after what I'd said. However, when his letter arrived though it was very short and it seemed formal as well.

Ellen

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents' divorce. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that. I've kept in contact with Ashley and Michael. I'm not sure if you've heard from them yet, but they all agree that the last two weeks of August will be fine. My parents said they don't mind taking all of us to Diagon Alley since Michael and Ashley need a way there as well. My parents will be writing to your parents very soon I expect. I believe the three of you will be coming over to my place for the first week, and then we'll go to Ashley's afterward. I hope the rest of your summer until then will fun. Don't let the divorce get you down. I'll send you your birthday present closer to your birthday, but I do hope you have good birthday.

Ben

I read over his letter twice. I was very surprised that he had held back. I didn't understand why he hadn't told me off for the letter. Perhaps he felt bad about the divorce and he didn't want to upset me. I just couldn't help but feel that his letter seemed a little cold to me.

Letters from Ashley and Michael arrived shortly after his did. Ashley's was quick as well. Her letter basically repeated everything Ben's had about the details, but it was a lot friendlier. Michaels was of course full of flattery. He seemed upset that I wasn't writing enough to him. It was hard to keep up to all of his letters though. Some of it rang desperation. I put his letter down feeling some dread. I was going to have to turn him down and I had a feeling with his insecurity that it wouldn't end well.

At the end of July was the big move. My mum, Timmy and me had everything packed and ready to go. Although I knew I'd be back soon, I still felt like I was leaving forever. In a way it really wouldn't be my home anymore. Most of the time I would be at mums or at school. I could see from the custody arrangements that I wouldn't see dad as much over the holidays.

I spent a lot of my time with Timmy down in the pool. Unfortunately there were no cute boys hanging around. Most people were older or they were little kids. I was excited to see my friends again after spending most of my summer alone or with a seven year old. I had two different birthday dinners with my parents. I spent my actual birthday with my mum and the day after with my dad.

On the fifteenth, my mum headed out to pick up Ashley. She seemed uncomfortable at first when she saw me, and I could understand why, so I made sure to be as cheerful as possible around her. I think mum understood as well because she kept up conversation with her too. She asked her about her summer and her baby-sitting job. Ashley told us about how she'd had a makeover.

"I'm trying to learn as much as I can about makeup now," she told me. "I'm going back to Hogwarts with a different look."

"You think she'd do that for me too? Maybe even Brianne would. She did mention that at Slughorn's party," I said. "Mum said I am old enough now, right?" I added to my mother.

Although I already knew I had permission to wear makeup, I wanted to engage my mother in our conversation as well. I wanted to see what she would say to our makeup talk. I was happy to hear that Ashley wanted to wear makeup now. I thought for sure I was going to have to convince her. We'd had to basically hold her down when she went on her date with Denver months ago. Now however she seemed eager. It would be nice to have someone to do fun girly stuff with.

"You're twelve years old now, I don't see why not. Just remember what I told you," my mother responded.

I smiled, she understood and she knew what I was doing. I was grateful for that. "I know mum," I answered.

"She doesn't want me wearing too much makeup. She said it's better to make it look like we're not wearing any. I guess I agree. Remember Jess, Anne and Erica?" I explained to Ashley who nodded.

"They definitely wore too much, but that's how Jaime taught me as well. She said it looks tacky to wear too much," Ashley replied.

"It is," Mum said, "I've seen the way young girls wear makeup, and it just doesn't look right. You girls don't even need makeup, but if you're going to wear it than you should wear it right."

For the rest of the ride to Ben's we talked about makeup. When we finally got to Ben's, mum told me to be good for the week (which embarrassed me) and said good-bye. I felt a little nervous about seeing Ben. Was he going to be rude to me because of the letter? When we knocked on the door though, it was Brenda who answered. She told us to go up and change and that she'd let the boys know that we were there.

Ashley and I talked about Ben and Michael while we went up to Ben's room. I confessed to Ashley that I thought maybe Michael had a crush on me. I was hoping she was going to disagree with me. Perhaps she even knew of someone else he had a crush on. She did talk to the Andrew twins a lot, and the twins seemed to know everything.

"I got that feeling as well," she said. "Don't you like him back? I mean you're already friends and everything."

Although I knew she was talking about Michael, a part of me kind of wondered if she was talking about her and Denver as well. The two of them were good friends now, and I knew she liked him.

"But I am not interested back in him, at all. He's a good friend, and we've gotten close but all I see him is as a friend. It might ruin our friendship. Not just between him and me, but with all four of us. Remember when you and Ben got in that big fight New Years? Well this is worse. Things will be awkward," I told her.

I went into Ben's bathroom to change quickly. After we both changed into our suits we headed down the steps.

"It might not be too awkward if people who are already friends date though, I mean they already know each other and everything. It might not feel as awkward as, I don't know… someone new that a person barely knows," Ashley said in a hopeful voice. Automatically I knew she was trying to justify her crush on Denver. It was very obvious what she was trying to do while sticking to the original topic.

"Depends on the friendship," I answered. "Our friendship is too close. Your friendship with Denver is different, and you're in different houses."

Ashley stopped at the bottom of the steps and looked at me with shock. I smiled at her.

"Everyone knows how you feel about him. You might be surprised, maybe he likes you back," I told her. "You never know unless you try… I just hope Michael doesn't take that same advice. I honestly think you should go for it."

Ashley started to walk again, but she looked uncomfortable.

"When you say everyone, what do you mean?" She asked in a worried voice.

"Ben and Michael, I don't know about anyone else but we've all suspected it for a while. I just thought you'd bring it up on your own, I must admit, I'm a bit hurt that you didn't tell me," I told her.

It was true. We were good friends, and yet she seemed almost too embarrassed to tell me how she felt. Friends usually shared things like crushes with each other. I was her first best friend and she couldn't admit to me her true feelings. Instead she used a subtle way to talk about it.

"I was embarrassed," she admitted, "I mean, look at our history first of all, and secondly I am not that pretty and he is a good looking boy. He might not like me, and what if he doesn't want to date yet. We're only thirteen and I don't even know what we would do. And please don't tell Ben and Michael, they don't need to know yet."

I should have known it was because she thought she wasn't pretty enough. I was surprised either that she was embarrassed about their history, but I also thought there was always a spark between the two of them. The Andrew twins had even believed that, and the two of them were always right about their instincts when it came to people. It was very rare that they were wrong. I was also a little offended that she would think I would tell Michael and Ben. There were certain things that you just didn't tell boys. My mum always called it 'girl talk' when we'd had our talks without Timmy or dad.

"Look, when you come to my place, we'll talk about this okay? And then I can tell you who I find cute. For now, let's go find those boys." I reassured her.

That afternoon was the most uncomfortable one I'd spent in a long time. Michael confirmed my suspicions. I'd made the mistake of wearing my red bikini the first afternoon there. I should have known better, but they were my best friends. All the boy could do was stare at me, and whenever he got the chance he would touch me. At one point he had his arm around my waist and although I didn't want to be rude, I came close to shouting at him to get away from me.

I could tell everyone else noticed because they were all smirking and whispering about it. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. According to my friends, the Tri-wizard Tournament was going to be held at Hogwarts again. Most of the afternoon we spent discussing it. I did what I could to let Michael know in a subtle way that I wasn't interested. I tried mentioning cute boys in front of him, and I could see it upset him but he wouldn't let up.

After that day, I refused to wear the bikini ever again in front of him. After Ben's mum cleaned it for me, I put it in the bottom of my bag and I only wore my modest suits instead. The week at his place was fun. His parents seemed to want to do their best to make sure we had fun. I felt as if I had a burden lifted off my shoulders since I'd found out about the divorce. At his house I felt like a normal carefree twelve year old girl. The Hoofer kids were spoiled, and I felt like I could get used to that. We even had makeovers with his sisters one evening; I was very surprised when Brenda joined us.

Something had changed her attitude because she was a lot friendlier. She was even willing to give me advice about Michael which I appreciated. Brianne had reassured me that I hadn't done anything to lead Michael on which I'd been worried about. Later though after our makeovers, Ashley and Ben took off to do something but I wasn't sure of what. The two of them were always sneaking off somewhere. Michael was busy talking to Barry about the Tri-wizard Tournament. The boy seemed to want to get as much information as he could about it. He wanted to know how exactly Harry had entered and I couldn't help but wonder if he was going to try to enter himself.

"He's really making you uncomfortable isn't he?" Brenda asked me.

"Yes. I just wish he would stop with the staring," I said. "If I don't pay attention to him he glares at me. He keeps touching me all the time."

"Look I know you're worried about how this will affect your friendship, but he has to stop if he is making you uncomfortable," she told me. "If the friendship is strong enough then it can handle something like this. The boy is only twelve, he can handle rejection and he'll move on."

"There is a boy in my year that I really like," I admitted. "I'm kind of hoping I can make something happen with him. I don't really want to do anything right now because everyone is so happy. I don't want a fight during the summer, and this will end of affecting all four of us. If I have to say something at school I will, but for now I'm just going to keep ignoring him. Maybe if I can get with the boy I like though he'll see that he has to move on."

"I'm sure you won't have a problem," Brenda told me. "A pretty girl like you can get any boy she likes. I would just advise you not to let this go on for too long. You're right that this will affect all four of you and it could blow up into a fight. I've seen it happen before."

We went to Diagon Alley the next day. I was excited to go to the joke shop. I could buy all the Skiving Snackboxes I wanted and my parents would never know. As soon as we got there, I took Ashley over to the Wonder Witch products. Just as we were about to go, Michael made a comment to me about buying Love Potions. I glared at him and felt some pleasure from the hurt expression on his face. I grabbed Ashley's hand so we wouldn't get separated and pulled her through the crowd.

Of all the people I didn't want to see that day there, it just had to be Tara Cretins. However, I instantly felt happy when I saw that she was holding a Love Potion in her hand. It didn't surprise me that she would consider buying one. She was a very beautiful girl, but most guys didn't like her. She really wanted Ben, but he would never go for her. Although I felt annoyed with the boy at the moment, he was still one of my best friends and I didn't want him to get drugged.

"Those are banned from Hogwarts you know," I told her.

Tara hadn't seen us by that point, but as soon as I said something she turned to look at me. She glared at me before giving Ashley the evil eye as well.

"I was just looking. I don't need a love potion," she answered and then glanced over at Ashley and holding it out. "I'm sure you could use one though, Ashley."

I opened my mouth to tell her off but my friend surprised me. She actually spoke up for herself. I wondered why she could stand up to the people at Hogwarts with no problem but not the muggles. Tara made a jab about Ashley drugging Denver, but it was a weak one. She put the potion back and walked off. As we moved forward to look at the makeup, I figured once we found what we wanted that we should tell Ben what we had seen. I wanted to tell several people about it so everyone could know.

Ben however made me angry as soon as we reached them. Michael was picking out snackboxes and as soon as I showed interest in buying them he had to put his opinion in. I was so tired of him thinking that he could tell me what to do. The anger I'd felt for him at the beginning of the summer returned. I glared right into his eyes, and he stared back at me defiantly.

"Don't you dare lecture me Benjamin Hoofer!" I said angrily "It's my life, and my grades. My parents don't give a damn, so I'll do what I want. I don't care! Now leave me alone if you're going to get on your high horse. I don't want to hear it."

He made me even more angry as Ashley moved forward to look at them. I was sure she would buy them, but for some reason she always listened to him when he told her what to do. Although she would stand up for herself against him, she always took his opinion about things more seriously than anyone elses. If he told her not to buy the snackboxes, she would listen. I rolled my eyes as she gave in and told me that she didn't want them.

"The worst they'll do is put us in detention or take points away. I told you guys, I don't care." I told her before I turned to Ben. "And I don't want to hear any nagging from you this year, Ben. I'm serious."

"You know what, you're right. So let yourself fail Ellen. It's not my problem. Just don't come to me for help if you do." Ben said back to me and I thought I could see a hint of a smirk on his face.

I felt my face redden at that point. "You know what-" I began but before I could tell him to his face exactly what I thought about his arrogant attitude, Ashley stepped forward and stopped me.

"Come on you two let's not fight. Come on, how about we go look at some pranks? Michael, tell me where you found that owl call."

She managed to stop a shouting match there and then, but I knew that wasn't the end of it. Ben and I had so much tension between us that eventually we were going to have it out between us. It wasn't just us though, I could sense the tension between Ashley and Michael as well. I had a feeling that there was going to be a fight, and people were going to take sides.

We went to Ashley's house shortly after that, and for some reason we seemed to get along better there. The tension was still there between us, but we all seemed to be more relaxed once we got there. Perhaps it was because the boys kept themselves busy with the video games, and Jaime kept us busy by giving us makeovers. Whatever it was, we had fun at her house just like old times. Rachel even took us to the beach one afternoon.

Surprisingly, Michael had never been to the beach before. In the early days, my parents had taken us on so many beach trips. In fact a couple years before Timmy was born we'd rented a beach house a few weeks every summer. I wasn't sure why we'd stopped after he was born. Ben had of course taken many expensive beach vacations. Ashley told us that they'd gone to that beach several times throughout her childhood.

For the first time in a long time, Ben and I actually got along as we built a sand castle together. Michael and Jaime were swimming in the water, and Ashley had taken a walk down the beach with Rachel to talk. I wondered if she'd gone off to talk about Denver. I decided I would ask her when she came to my house for the night. At that moment though, I just wanted to enjoy my moment with Ben. Perhaps we were going to put it all behind us and stop fighting. We laughed together and just talked. We discussed everything except school or the divorce. We even talked about Michael.

"He told me he was interested in you," Ben told me. "I told him just to move on and find someone else."

"Maybe when we get back to school he'll find someone else," I said.

"Or you should," Ben answered.

"Well I really like Hank," I admitted.

"So tell him," Ben said. "He'll go out with you. Most of the boys in our year would."

I glanced at him and wondered if he was including himself in that. For a brief moment I could picture myself kissing him. It would be such a romantic setting for us to share a kiss on a beautiful summers day on the beach. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing, he wasn't looking at me though. I looked around to see that Ashley and Rachel were returning from their walk. He was staring intensely at Ashley, and I wondered why. I felt disappointed that the girls had returned though. I'd enjoyed our moment alone together when we were finally having fun together.

I stared down at the sand as they sat down and Rachel began to build a moat around our castle.

"We need water," Ashley said. "Remember how I used to build them?" She added to Rachel.

"Ashley's always been good at building sand castles," Rachel told us. "She used to build huge ones with water flowing through it."

"Let's get the water then," Ben said to Ashley and he took her hand while he reached for a bucket. I felt jealously and anger go through me but I ignored it. I didn't understand what these feelings were about or why I felt jealous of them, but I wished it would stop.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked me as they walked off. "You look upset about something."

"I just wish my parents had the perfect marriage like Ben's parents did," I said. "His family is so perfect."

"I doubt it," Rachel said. "Sure they might be happily married still, but no ones life is perfect. There could be things you aren't seeing. Also, Ben is a lot more insecure then your realize Ellen. He seems as if he is confident about everything, even his school work but he's not. Ashley has told me so much about him. He has a lot to live up to when it comes to his siblings you know. It can't be easy being the youngest."

"I guess not, but they all just annoy me sometimes," I admitted and I glanced out at Ashley and Ben who were currently laughing and splashing each other. The bucket seemed forgotten.

"Even Ashley's problems," and I confessed to Rachel all the bitter thoughts I'd had about my friends bottled up. I expected Rachel to get angry with me for saying the things I did about Ashley. She was always so defensive when it came to her.

"Everyone's problems always seem so small compared to our own," Rachel told me. "I've felt the same way at times when it comes to Ashley. She has complained to me about certain things that I feel so small in comparison to other problems," and she looked out at the water where Michael and Jaime had joined Ben and Ashley. "But you do have to remember as annoying as it can be, she does have reasons to be insecure. She hasn't had an easy life at all. Going to that school is the best thing that could have happened to that girl. The three of you have helped change her so much. I've never seen her so happy before. Remember, she will always be loyal to you too."

"I know," I said. "She's definitely not the same person she was a year ago. I'm glad about that, and she is my best friend. I just wish she wasn't so whiny about the little things."

"She's better than she used to be," Rachel said. "I love that kid, and I loved baby-sitting her but there were times when I wanted to tell her to shut up. She would whine and cry about things that she had no reason to feel stressed about. I just think with her father's death and the bullying she had at school that it was her way to let out stress. I don't know if she ever told you, but she idolized her father. The girls didn't seem him a lot, but she worshipped him. And that's something you should also think about. My parents divorced too, so I know what you're going through. Just remember one thing though, you do have both your parents."

Jaime, Ashley, Ben and Michael were walking over to us. Apparently the idea of building a big sand castle was long forgotten because the four of them wanted to go for ice cream.

"Can you do our nails tonight too," Ashley asked Rachel. "Jaime wants Hufflepuff fingernails too, and so does Ellen. We'll be able to go back to school with them and the girls in our dorm will be so jealous. Everything okay Ellen?" She added as she looked at me

"Of course," Rachel said and she smiled at me and I nodded.

"Everything is fine," I told her as I stood up and brushed sand off myself. "I was just telling Rachel about the girl's night I have planned for us when you come over."

"I have more pictures for our scrapbook," Ashley informed me. "I took some at Ben's at my house. Rachel was even taking pictures of us here. Our scrapbooks are going to have still pictures and moving ones."

I smiled as I remembered one of the reasons why I liked being her friend so much. She could seem so enthusiastic about certain things so much that she seemed a child. I felt so much older than her at times even though I was close to a year younger.

"Brilliant," I responded. "A good end to a great summer."

"Let's get one more picture for the scrapbook," Rachel said. "I'll take a picture of the five of you by the water."

"Let's go," Michael said happily and he turned to me. "Ellen?" He asked as he held out his hand for me to take.

I sighed but I took his hand. I'd have to break the news to him soon, but at the moment we were all so happy that I wasn't going to ruin it.


	2. Many Firsts

Many Firsts.

On the first day of school I was a lot happier than I had been for a long time. Although the summer had started off so terribly, it had actually been therapeutic. I was closer to my brother, and even my parents. Mum and I had many talks together after we'd moved out of the house, and although part of me was still angry with them for breaking up I did understand. I could see that she was a lot less stressed in the apartment and so was Timmy. I was leaving for school knowing that he wasn't going to have to witness anymore fighting.

At first I felt really bad for my father. He was going to have to live in that house all by himself. Even if he and mum didn't get along, the house had to feel empty with us gone. However, when I went to visit him it was to find him happier than I'd see him in a long time. He'd bought a lot of muggle appliances with us gone, including a television. After being at Ashley's house, I did understand what the fuss was all about. He kept his wand up, and he told me he only used it for work or for things he felt too lazy to do for himself. For the most part though, he was slowly transitioning back into muggle life.

Even though he'd told me that he thought magic was a bad idea, I couldn't help but think that he wouldn't be able to turn his back on it completely. I felt that maybe after a few more years after the war he would start trusting it again.

So even though it was hard to admit, I knew that the divorce was the best thing for our family. Eventually I would adjust and I believed Timmy had already moved on. I think he was just happier that he wouldn't have to see so much fighting all the time. The only part I disliked was the fact that my parents had started sending messages for Timmy and me to take from one parent to the other.

I examined my nails on the train after my mum had dropped Ashley and me off. Timmy had latched on to her the night before. She was very good with kids, and while I'd packed for school she had played with him and she'd even read him a bed time story. That morning, he had followed her around everywhere. He'd begged her to come back soon after we were dropped off.

"Everything okay?" Ashley asked me as she turned from the window where she'd been watching for Ben and Michael moments before.

"Everything is fine," I told her.

"Are you thinking about Michael?" She asked.

I'd told her the night before that I'd was going to talk to Michael after the feast that night. I was going to try and get him alone on our way to the common room. However, I was having second thoughts about it. I didn't want to start term that way.

"I don't think I can talk to him tonight. I will eventually, but I just don't think tonight is the best time to do it. Maybe I'll be able to get with Hank before I have to," I answered.

I examined my nails again. Rachel had done such an amazing job on them. She was very talented. I'd bought several shades of nail polish and I was going to start painting my nails more. I couldn't do anything fancy with them with color charms like Ashley, but I thought nail polish looked better anyway.

"I still can't believe how good of a job she did," I said to change the subject. "I bet the three ditzes from Hufflepuff will be jealous."

Ashley smiled at me and she glanced down at her own nails as well.

"I can't believe we're already going back though," she said. "Summer seemed like it went by really quickly."

"It did, even if the beginning was hard. I'm glad to be going back to school. I don't have to deal with everything that was going on at home, even after the divorce. Now mum and dad are sending messages through me and Timmy. By the way, I've never seen Timmy attach himself to someone as much as he did you," I told her.

"Really?" She asked as her eyes widened with surprise.

"Normally he's shy around people," I explained although that was entirely true, he'd just been shy over the last year because of our parents. "He's hyper around us, but when he meets new people, especially older people he gets shy. I think it's because you said he could hang out with us."

"He's a good kid. He's cute. I don't mind him hanging around us," She answered.

"Who?" Someone demanded.

I looked away from Ashley to see that Michael and Ben had arrived. It was Michael who'd spoken. Ben was smiling at us, but Michael was looking at me suspiciously. I wanted to say that we'd met a cute boy at the apartment pool, but I didn't. Of course as soon as they put their luggage away, Michael had to sit beside me, and way too close for my liking. I saw Ashley and Ben exchange looks of amusement.

"Timmy, he's such a sweet little kid," Ashley explained to Michael was still staring at me with suspicion.

"Speaking of kids, we're only a year older but some of the first years look so small," Michael said. "We were just there last year, but some are runts."

I couldn't help but think the same thing, even though they were just a year younger, some of them did look really young compared to our year. I had to wonder if it was because in our year we had many people who were older. Jared was one of the oldest because he hadn't gone the year he was supposed to.

"Probably to you," Ashley said to him with a smile on her face. "You're so tall."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Michael retorted angrily.

I glared at Michael. I was really getting tired of his attitude towards her. It was only getting worse, and she was never anything but nice to him. I shifted over in my seat as Ashley also glared at him.

"I think she means you're tall," Ben said with a smile. "Calm down mate. He's been snippy ever since we picked him up." He added to Ashley and me.

"My parents were being ridiculous today," he explained and gave a small shrug as if it was okay for him to have that kind of attitude. "They complained that they barely saw me all summer. I told them I wasn't coming home for Christmas or Easter unless they get jobs and keep the house clean. My dad basically told me if I didn't like it then I could stay at Hogwarts for the summer vacation as well. Mum got really upset. They've told me that this is life and to get used to it. And they wanted some of the money I earned doing all of those odd jobs all summer. I gave some to mum, but not him."

"Look mate, we all know it's rough for you," Ben told him, "but that doesn't mean you should take it out on us. Ashley made a harmless comment, and you got angry. Brenda made a harmless comment, and you got angry. You also snapped at my father, who by the way gave you a ride here today. Get angry with your parents, not us."

Michael didn't say anything but he shot a glare at me and I looked down at my nails. I agreed completely with Ben but I also felt guilty again because I was as bad as Michael. I'd written that letter to Ben out of anger and I'd almost written one to Ashley. I would have to try my best not to take my anger out on them ever again. Ben appeared to have forgiven me which was a relief. I looked over at Ashley who was looking out the window she looked up for a moment to glare at Michael and then she turned back to the window. I looked over at Ben who was watching her with concern.

Hank, Stan and Jared eventually entered our compartment when we were in the middle of talking about the Tri-Wizard Tournament. I felt my stomach do flip flops as Hank grinned at me. I smiled back at him, and I could see that this bothered Michael a lot. For some reason he glared over at Ashley before folding his arms in anger. Jared who was sitting beside him whispered something in his ears. I couldn't hear what they were saying because Ben, Stan and Hank were talking loudly about the Tri-Wizard Tournament. So far Ashley had kept quiet during the conversation. I could tell she was hurt by what Michael had said.

Moments later, Jared and Michael suddenly got up and left the compartment. Hank who had been sitting beside Ben got up and joined me. He grinned at me and I wondered if he felt the same way about me as I did him.

"Well I think it will be interesting anyway," Hank said. "I don't know if I'd want to join after all the mad stuff that went on during the last one. I'm surprised Hogwarts is even doing one again."

"Why isn't it at another school?" I asked.

"Since the first one at Hogwarts went to hell the last time they want to try it again," Ben said. "Next time it will be at Durmstang, when we're in our seventh year."

Ashley suddenly got up and left the compartment. Ben watched her go with a frown on his face.

"I don't know if I will want to go," Stan said. "I will be old enough, but I want to finish my seventh year at Hogwarts."

"You won't be able to go anyway," Hank said. "You know they're going to just pick the top male and female from each house to go. They won't let everyone go. Hoofer here will be going."

Ben didn't say anything; he was still staring at the door.

"I'm sure your girlfriend will be back," Hank said as he followed Ben's gaze.

"Has Michael been talking about her more behind her back?" Ben asked.

"They don't as much anymore," Stan said. "We told him off when he started in on her, but I know the two of them go off in secret to do it. That's probably what they're doing right now."

"But why?" I asked. "It isn't much of a conversation if they're always insulting her behind her back. Doesn't it get boring after a while?"

"Jared doesn't like her at all," Hank said. "He doesn't trust her. He's one of my best mates, but I get tired of it. He's so overly suspicious of her because he thinks that her being a shy quiet girl is all an act."

"An act?" Ben asked. "How can it possibly be an act? I know he doesn't hang out with her as much as we do, but how can he think someone can act that well?"

"Even if she was pretending, what does he think she is going to do?" I asked angrily. "That's just ridiculous. It took us months to break her out of her shell, and Michael knows that. You can't tell me that Michael is actually buying that. He's the one who made fun of her for being shy."

"That boy will believe anything at the moment because of you," Stan told me. "Jared thinks that Ashley is the reason why you don't seem to be interested in Michael. He thinks that she is turning you against him."

"Why would she do that though?" Ben asked.

"They haven't exactly been getting on lately have they?" Hank asked. "It's also payback for all the times he's talked about her behind her back, or even made fun of her."

"Well none of it is true," I said. "She was even trying to convince me to give him a chance. No offense, but you are friends with a maniac. He's too suspicious."

"Jared can be a prat, but he does have reasons for his trust issues," Hank told me. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but he does. Some of his family was betrayed to You-Know-Who."

"A lot of people's families were betrayed," Ben said.

"Well you know the saying: "It's the quiet ones you have to worry about," Stan said with a shrug.

"But she isn't like that," I said furiously.

"We know that," Hank said and he put a hand on my arm. "We don't believe that. We know she is just a nice shy quiet girl. She's a bit too nice to be honest. She shouldn't be friends with Michael, and I was surprised when she forgave Ben, but Denver is a total mystery."

"And we know she is in love with him," Stan said. "The boy used to hex her but she wants him. You do have to admit that is odd."

I shrugged. "You can't help how you feel sometimes, and he has changed. They've both apologized to each other. It's their business. Besides, I think he secretly wants her as well."

I honestly believed the two of them had wanted each other for a long time. They'd always had a spark between each other but they'd had a rough start. It was why Ashley had tried to get him to forgive her. She was enemies with other people, but she hadn't tried to convince them to stop hexing her or making fun of her. Don Zent was ruder to her than anyone was.

"They'd better both knock it off," Ben said furiously. "I'm going to have a talk with Michael again but I'm going to with Jared as well. I'm so damn sick of his attitude towards my parents and me too. This has to stop, and it needs to stop now."

"What has to stop?" Michael asked as he entered the compartment, he had a grin on his face.

"Ellen is complaining about her homework again," Ben said but he smiled and gave me a wink.

"Ben you need to mind your own business," Michael said and he shot a glare at Hank.

Ben shrugged. "It's just the usual banter, isn't it Ellen?"

"It wouldn't be the same without it," I agreed even though I was sure Michael knew that was a lie. He knew how much I hated it when Ben bothered me about homework.

"Right," Michael said. "So what were you really talking about? What's the big secret here?"

"Is Jared back in our compartment?" Hank asked Michael.

"Yes," Michael said in a moody voice.

Without another word, Stan and Hank got up and left the compartment. Michael watched them go before he glanced over at me.

"So what's the big secret? Why are you two lying about what you're really talking about? We're you talking about me? It's not nice to talk about your friends behind their backs," he said.

"Because you never do that to Ashley?" I asked. "You weren't just off with Jared talking about her?"

"No I wasn't. I have better things to do than to talk about that bitch," Michael.

"Hey!" Ben said and he leapt out of his seat angrily while he pulled out his wand.

"Calm down," Michael said. "You'd actually hex me over that? Look, I shouldn't have called her a bitch but I just can't stand that girl lately. I wasn't talking about her though. Jared wanted to know more about my summer. I do have other friends besides the two of you."

The two of you part wasn't lost on me at all, and I didn't think it was on Ben either.

"You honestly don't see her as your friend?" I asked. "She invited you to her place during the summer!"

"She's my friend, but lately I haven't wanted to be around her," Michael said.

"I'm sure she feels the same way about you," Ben said.

"Why? Has she been complaining about me to you behind my back? If she has, you can't get angry with me for doing it to her," Michael said and he shot a look at me.

"We're talking about you snapping at her," I said. "She makes one innocent comment, and you bite her head off. She's been gone ever since you left."

"She takes things too seriously," Michael said. "I was feeling annoyed earlier. It was nothing personal. She needs to stop being so sensitive all the time. Don't you two get sick of her whining all the time? I know you do, there is no point in denying it. If she's off all upset just because I snapped at her then she has problems."

"She probably just ran into a friend," I said. "Maybe she went to the bathroom."

"Maybe," Ben said but he didn't look convinced.

"She has no friends besides us," Michael muttered under his breath, but we ignored him.

We spent the rest of the ride talking about school, and the rest of our fellow Hufflepuff's. I was starting to get worried about Ashley. She had been gone for hours now. We changed into our school robes, but there was still no sign of her.

"Where is she?" I asked. "Who could she have run into?"

"She's probably still upset!" Ben said angrily. "You need to lay off on her."

"She needs to stop being so sensitive," Michael retorted. "She whines about everything. I don't give a damn that she isn't here because she'd probably be crying about how beautiful her sister is."

"Michael-" Ben began but at that moment Ashley appeared.

"Where were you?" I asked her.

"I bumped into Denver, Morgan and Claire. We were catching up and I lost track of time," she answered and she climbed onto the seat beside Ben to get her school robes. She quickly changed under her robes and sat down with a nervous smile.

"Ooh," I said without thinking as I smiled. "Well no wonder you stayed away. We were just wondering where you'd gotten to."

"We thought maybe you were still angry with Michael," Ben answered and he shot Michael a glare.

"And all I said was you took things too seriously," Michael answered without emotion.

"I really wasn't offended," Ashley answered just as indifferently. "I knew you didn't mean anything by it. I guess I should have told you where I went."

Part of me didn't believe her though. I had a feeling she had stayed with Denver because of Michael.

"Well if it was for Denver, we understand," Ben said with a grin on his face.

Ashley smiled as well, but she didn't look happy. It was obvious she was faking and as she looked at me, I realized it was because she thought I'd been telling people about how she felt about Denver.

"I promise I didn't say anything until just now, and it slipped out. They already knew. I haven't told them a word about what we discussed. I swear I wouldn't do that, It's just as you can see by Tara's comment at the joke shop, everyone has guessed it." I didn't want to add that we'd been talking about it with Hank and Stan as well. I was sure everyone knew her feelings for him. She wasn't good at hiding it even if she didn't talk about it.

"She didn't tell us, we already knew," Ben spoke up quickly as Michael said: "What did you two discuss?"

I glanced at Ben feeling relieved that he spoke up. I didn't want her to be angry with me. It was hard enough getting her to speak up as it was, I didn't want to lose her trust. She had to know that her secrets would always be safe with me.

"I believe you, I guess I was kind of obvious," She said to me with a smile and then she looked over at Ben. "By the way, we forgot to tell you. We saw Tara looking at love potions at the joke shop. I just remembered now when Ellen brought it up. You want to be careful."

I'd forgotten as well. I'd meant to tell him as well, but with everything that had been going on I hadn't.

"That girl is trouble," Ben sighed. "I've already told her we'll never be anything more than study partners. I don't understand why you didn't tell me about Denver though. I already knew, but I thought we were friends. I told you about Melanie."

So I wasn't the only one feeling hurt that she didn't talk about it. I wondered if Ben would be upset that I didn't talk about Hank. I wondered why it was that we all couldn't talk to each other about our crushes. It was obvious why Michael couldn't, but we all knew Ben wanted Melanie and that Ashley wanted Denver. I had to wonder if it was obvious that I liked Hank. I thought about how he'd sat down beside me when he could, he'd also smiled at me a lot. Perhaps he knew exactly how I was feeling. I tuned out their conversation for a moment until I heard Michael demand again:

"What did you two discuss?"

"Girl talk!" I snapped at him, why couldn't the boy get a clue? I guessed my crush on Hank wasn't obvious to him.

"I bet it was more than that," Michael said angrily before he glared at Ashley who looked just as fed up as I felt.

"All we talked about was her and Denver. She didn't want me to tell you, so I didn't. Stop acting so suspicious, I don't talk about my friends behind their backs," I told him angrily.

I was relieved when Ben said we should get going as the train stopped. The boys helped us get our trunks down and we headed off the train. We joined the older students to get into the horseless carriages. I made sure to keep my distance from Michael. I shivered because it was a cool night, but it was clear. I looked around to see if I could see some of the other second years. Once we got inside the Entrance Hall, many people called out to me and I waved to them. Two third year girls ran across the hall to hug each other. I wondered where Hank was. My thoughts were answered once we entered the Great Hall. All the second year Hufflepuffs were sitting together. I automatically sat down beside Hank, and as if knowing I didn't want Michael beside me, Ashley sat down beside me. Michael sent her an intense glare and then sat down beside Jared.

We all made small talk together about our summers, and the other girls admired our nails. I was excited to see the sorting this year. I was glad it wasn't me this year, I felt relieved to be part of the older students. I thought back to last year during my own sorting. I remembered how I'd felt indignant when the hat had told me I could never be Ravenclaw material, but now I knew it was right. The Ravenclaws were the same as Ben. I had to wonder exactly how he'd managed to get in Hufflepuff. I knew it wasn't a dumb house at all, but he just seemed more Ravenclaw material with his attitude about school work.

When the first years were brought in, I noticed right away that their year was a lot smaller than ours. Others noticed this too, and I could hear Ben and Ashley talking about it. I did my best to ignore Michael that night. In fact, I didn't pay any attention to my friends. I focused all my attention on Hank. We discussed our summers and I told him about how my parents had decided to divorce. He was very kind about it. He seemed very interested in my family and I felt that was a good sign. I wondered how I could push things along.

By the end of the feast I'd forgotten about Michael. I felt happy. I couldn't stop smiling. As we made our way down to the Common Room, Ashley walked over and linked her arm in mine.

"I noticed you and Hank talking all night," she said happily. "I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Just because we had a good conversation doesn't mean anything," I said.

"You're starting to sound like me," she said. "Ellen, keep talking to him. I truly believe he would be happy to know you like him. I'm surprised you're nervous, you're confident about everything else."

"I know I am," I said. "This is different though."

I knew she thought I couldn't be nervous because I was prettier, but she was wrong. I knew that looks didn't always get you the boy. My mum had been telling me that most of my life. I was well aware that I was pretty, and I knew I'd get even prettier. I also knew that personality always triumphed looks regardless of what Ashley thought. I just wish she would figure that out as well. I didn't tell her this though. I went to bed with a smile on my face that night though.

During our first week of school, things seemed to get tenser with our group. Michael was making things worse, and I noticed even things with Ben were kind of tense as well. Part me thought that Ashley wasn't helping matters. I knew she was sick of Michael, but instead of sticking up for herself she just kept quiet. I kept thinking about different things were from the year before and now, but there were things that I thought that were still the same. Michael was still insecure and for certain things, Ashley was still passive aggressive. Every day she would take off when he was around.

On the Thursday after we returned, the four of us joined Hank, Stan and Jared in the library. I secretly arranged this meeting because I wanted more time with Hank. I made sure to get a spot beside him. The others were talking about the homework we'd been assigned. Hank was busy telling me about his childhood while we pretended to be working on Charms.

"I think you'd actually like my house," Hank said. "We're in the country."

"I actually wouldn't mind a country house," I said. "When I'm older and I have kids I want to be able to do magic without worrying about muggles seeing. My parents had my brother and I grow up in a muggle neighbourhood so we could have both lives, but it was so hard sometimes. I know Timmy has accidentally revealed things, and I did too."

Ashley suddenly stood up and grabbed her books. She walked off without saying a word. I glanced up and looked at Ben and Michael. Michael didn't seem to care or notice, he was in deep discussion with Jared like usual. Ben looked at me and shrugged. I wondered what her problem was lately. I understood completely that she didn't want to be around Michael, but why ignore Ben and me? We were always loyal to her and she didn't seem to realize that when she ditched Michael, she was ditching us as well.

I saw Ben purse his lips together but he didn't say a word. He just glanced down at the Charms assignment and began writing.

"What was that about?" Stan muttered to Ben in a very low voice.

"I don't know, but I'm getting sick of her pulling that crap. All she has to do is speak up but she doesn't," Ben said. "It's no wonder people see her as weak."

The next day she did it again. She and I were happily talking about the differences between the year before and now. As soon as Michael walked over to talk to me, she walked off without saying anything to us. Michael didn't notice, he just kept up a discussion with me about how he was looking forward to Slughorns Slug Club meetings.

"And I can always invite you now and Ben can invite Ashley," Michael said.

"For now," I told him. "Ben will probably end up with Melanie and Ashley will end up with Denver."

"No she won't, he will never like her," Michael said. "She's too ugly for any guy."

"Michael, quit calling her ugly." I said.

"You know it's true," he said. "It's my opinion and you and Ben are going to have to get over it. Everyone else thinks she is ugly. You should hear Jared-"

"Right you and Jared seem to have nothing better to talk about," I said.

"We talk about other things. One of the things is actually something I wanted to talk about with you," he said.

I had a feeling I knew what it was, but before he could say anything, Ben joined us.

"Where's Ashley?" He demanded.

"She walked off without us," I told him. "Again!"

Ben shook his head.

"Who cares?" Michael asked. "She's probably just in the Great Hall already. Maybe she's really hungry. Maybe you should go down and find her Ben."

"I'm not chasing her," Ben said. "If she's going to keep wandering off then that's her choice. I'm just sick of her ditching us."

"Did you ever stop to think it's because she is a bitch?" Michael asked. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's because she isn't as loyal as she pretends to be? She cares more about Denver then us. It's not really much of a loss without her is it? At least we don't have to listen to her bitch and complain."

"Michael, shut up!" Ben said.

Part of me almost agreed with Michael. I didn't agree that she was a bitch or she wasn't loyal. I did believe that she did care more about Denver lately. A lot of the time when she ditched us, it was because she was with Denver. I almost expected to see her sitting at the Slytherin table when we entered the Great Hall. She was no where in sight though. We were joined by the rest of the Hufflepuff's, but she didn't show up. None of us even bothered to ask where she was.

Our question was answered after breakfast anyway. We had Herbology first, and it was to find her sitting on the ground trying to do a spell.

"Why weren't you at breakfast?" Ben demanded as we approached her.

She looked up at us in shock.

"Just not hungry I guess," she answered and she stood up and pocketed her wand. She refused to look us in the eye.

"Why do you keep disappearing like this?" I asked. "You were with Michael and me, but then you just walked by us. We thought we'd see you in the Great Hall, but you weren't there. You did it last night too, and on the train as well. "

"Are you hiding something?" Ben asked.

"No of course not," she answered. "Now come on, Denver told me that we'd be studying Mandrakes. What do you suppose those are?"

I wasn't so sure she wasn't hiding something, especially since I knew she was fully aware of what a Mandrake was. She was obviously trying to change the subject. Things were only getting more and more tense between all of us, and I wondered when exactly it was that things would blow up. I remembered Brenda telling me that it could happen, and I believed she was right.

Everything finally blew up on Ashley's birthday. The year before we'd gotten her a cake for her birthday; but Ben and I had discussed it. We decided we weren't going to do that again. I believed it should just be the four of us together for it. I was sure Michael didn't care since he didn't contribute to our conversation, but he agreed with us anyway. Since things were so tense with all of us, I wanted to make sure that at least her thirteenth birthday went well.

When I woke up it was to find her already gone, but I wasn't that surprised. Instead, I just gathered up the gifts I wanted her to unwrap. I'd bought her some makeup, but I put that with her supplies already. I'd bought her Hufflepuff earrings and a matching bracelet. Ben had told me that he'd bought her a necklace with the Hufflepuff crest and I thought that more jewellery would be perfect for her. She seemed to be going all out with Hufflepuff accessories lately. I wanted to do anything I could to help her feel better about herself. Jewelry always helped me feel prettier.

"Looks like she is abandoning us again," Michael said. "I have better things I could be doing right now."

Ashley didn't seem to around anywhere. She hadn't been in the Great Hall for breakfast, and she wasn't in the Common Room or our dorms. The three of us were waiting for her at our usual table. Our plan was to let her open her gifts and then do whatever she wanted for the day. Ben and I just wanted to spend it with her.

Luckily, we didn't have to wait for her for long. About five minutes after we'd sat down at the table she entered the Common Room. She was looking extremely happy.

"There you are. Where have you been?" I asked her feeling a little annoyed.

"With Denver," she said as she sat down. "You haven't been waiting too long, have you?"

"Not really," Ben answered and he yawned. "We just finished breakfast. Anyway, happy birthday."

The necklace Ben had given her was beautiful. It was such a nice gift that I felt jealous about my own gift from him. He'd sent me some Wonder Witch products from the joke shop. At the time I'd found it to be a thoughtful gift but now I wondered if it was because he'd been angry with me. That necklace had to cost a good amount of money. I thought for sure it was real. The earrings and bracelet I got her were fake, but I doubted she'd care. She had sent me a fake necklace and nail polish for my birthday.

Michaels gift to her was the most shocking of them all. Ashley stared down at shock at the assorted Skiving Snackboxes. She was so predictable about it as well, instead of getting upset that he'd bought her something she'd never use, she got up and hugged him. His gift was very disrespectful. I felt he'd done it on purpose. If he hadn't wanted to get her anything, he should have just gotten her nothing. I felt it would be less insulting.

Ben obviously felt the same way because he got angry with her about not saying anything. Ben speaking up led us into a shouting match. All the tension that had been building between us was finally released and the four of us were shouting at each other. Ashley yelled everything that she had obviously been thinking about Michael in the last few months while people in the Common Room stared.

"Yes Michael, I do think you are a prat. No, I think you are a bloody asshole if you must know. All you've done is treat me like dirt for the last few months, and for no reason. I know you laugh behind my back about how ugly I am. Yes I did go listen to you and Jared on the train, but it was because I knew you were talking about me behind my back again. I wanted to know exactly what it was you were saying about me. I also think your gift is thoughtless and terrible. I think anyone who would use those things are morons, especially someone who claims he wants to do well in school. Not only that, but everyone knows about your pathetic crush on Ellen. Neither Ben nor I had to tell her. She knew, and she doesn't want you, but you can't take the hint. You just keep staring at her, and you keep making her uncomfortable! Get a clue! She does not want you."

"It's hard to want to be around an ugly, whiny person like you!" Michael shouted at Ashley. "All you've ever done is bitch and moan about how hard your life is, but it really isn't! You're not that poor. And you don't even appreciate what your mum or sister does for you. You act like you are this nice person but you're not. Jared was right about you. It was you who turned Ellen against me because you're jealous because she's beautiful and you're not. You'll never get a boyfriend I bet. You think I have a pathetic crush, well what about you and Denver? He'll never go for you because it doesn't matter how much you change your eyebrows, or how much makeup you wear, you'll always be an ugly bitch!"

"She did not turn me against you!" I yelled at Michael, finally having enough. He needed to know from that moment on that I could never date him. "I will never ever be interested in you Michael. I do not see you that way. She's right. You do make me uncomfortable and I am so tired of you staring at me all the time. I want Hank, not you! So get over it, and find some other girl, because guess what? I think you are a pathetic insecure boy and I don't want anything to do with the problems you bring to our group!"

Michael seemed to forget about Ashley for a moment and stared at me with hurt. I felt a little bad, but he had to know the truth.

"So why did you lead me on?" He asked me in a low shaky voice. "You acted like you wanted me by throwing that party for me on my birthday, and everything else."

I couldn't believe it. How could he possibly think I'd lead him on? If that were the case then I was leading Ashley on at that moment, so was Ben. He didn't seem to get that friends did things for each other.

"I was being your friend!" I exclaimed. "That's what we do, we help each other out, but lately you haven't been a very good friend to any of us!"

"Really, that's what you all think?" Michael asked. "You don't want to be my friend?"

"We do, but not with the person you have been lately," Ben answered quietly. "Look what has happened now. It's one of our best friend's birthday and you've ruined it."

"You were the one who started attacking me first; it's all of you who are yelling at me!" Michael said but he was looking at me the most.

"Because you've been a prat!" Ashley shouted back. "And take your stupid gift, I don't want it. Only someone who is a complete idiot would take those things when the teachers know about them. And for your information, Denver is my boyfriend! So I guess my crush isn't pathetic, now is it!?"

Only someone who is a complete idiot would use them? So by her definition I was an idiot as well. I turned on her as Michael yelled:

"Fine, if that's the way all of you feel about me, then I am done! I knew all of you were talking about me behind my back, and I bet you were the one behind it all! You wanted to turn everyone against me. You're still angry about last year, and I bet that's why you didn't tell Harry Potter about me."

He walked off angrily. Ashley finally looked at Ben and me but I could only think about one thing.

"So only morons or complete idiots use those things?" I asked her. "I guess I fall under that category since I bought some this summer as well."

"Well it's true," Ben said as Ashley stared at me in shock. I could see tears in her eyes, and I was glad. She deserved to have her birthday ruined. "I don't get why you want to use those things. The teachers will know what's going on Ellen. Just because you're upset with your parents doesn't mean you should purposely make yourself fail. You should have realized that getting good grades wouldn't stop them from fighting,"

"It's your fault I thought that!" I shouted as I thought about everything I'd been thinking over the summer. He'd been the one to nag me about homework every day. He'd been the one who told me how important it was to take home good grades. He knew I thought it would help stop the divorce and he didn't tell me it wouldn't. If he was half as good of a friend to me as he was to Ashley, he would have. The truth was, he was too busy watching out for her to care about anyone else. I was his first friend at Hogwarts, not Ashley!

"No it isn't!" Ben exclaimed. "I didn't tell you to do homework because it would help your parents. It's so you could pass. It's the reason you're at Hogwarts you know. Don't blame me for your stupidity, Ellen. None of what happened is my fault."

"Well I don't care, I am sick of your nagging. You're constantly telling me to do homework, but it's none of your business if I do or not. I don't care if either of you think I am stupid for using them. I am going to do it anyway!" I knew I sounded childish at that moment, but all I wanted to do was leave.

I'd barely cried since I'd found out about the divorce but I knew that I was going to at that moment. So I got up and left quickly. I hurried into the corridors quickly. There was a small niche in the wall that a small person could easily fit into. I was still small enough to fit in it, so I hurried over to it. I'd discovered it a year ago when I'd been trying to hide from the teachers when I'd skipped a class. I was worried they'd look for me in the Common Room, so I went in there. After that it turned into my go to spot when I wanted to be alone. No one could see me unless they really looked.

I felt as if I cried for hours. I cried about the divorce, how I'd had to be strong for Timmy all summer, how Ben and I didn't seem as close, and how Ashley was pulling away from us. She just didn't seem to trust us even after a year and it hurt. Hadn't I proved my loyalty to her? To them? Hadn't I gotten our group together? So why were Ben and Ashley closer than anyone else? They were probably in the Common Room at that moment bad mouth Michael and me.

I felt guilt as well. I thought about Ben's words and I realized at that moment just how wrong I'd been to treat him. I knew all along that it wasn't his fault, but I'd wanted to blame someone. I had acted very childish and I'd taken it out on my friends. When I thought about it, I realized I'd even been wrong about Ashley as well. She hadn't insulted me during our fight. I knew she was just trying to hurt Michael in the heat of the moment. She hadn't actually meant that I was an idiot. The realization made me cry even harder. I'd thought that Michael was the bad friend, but how was I better?

When I entered the Common Room later, it was to find out that Ashley and Ben been in a shouting match after I'd left. I was surprised to find that out, I couldn't figure out what they'd be angry with each other about. I guessed it had to be because he was sick of her being passive aggressive though. His comment about that had been what started our fight in the first place. I felt relieved to know that though. I didn't want the two of them speaking, but hating me.

I wanted to talk to Ashley too. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to Ben because I was too ashamed. Melanie informed me that Ashley had been crying in the dorms all day.

"Are you going to go talk to her?" She asked.

"No," I said. "I'll leave her be. She'll come to me when she's ready to talk. I think she will be too angry with me right now."

"Are you okay?" Someone asked me.

I turned to see it was Hank. He put an around my shoulders.

"I'm fine," I answered him.

"I heard about your fight," he said. "Apparently you shouted that you wanted me?"

Instantly I felt embarrassed but before I could answer him, he kissed me. For a moment I forgot about the fight as I kissed him back. We pulled back from each other after a few moments. We were both grinning at each other.

"I've wanted to do that for a while," Hank told me and he took my hand and pulled me over to a corner of the Common Room. Luckily it wasn't that full. Most people were probably outside enjoying the nice weather. "Joey told me that the four of you had a shouting match in here and he'd told me what you said."

"I'm sure it's all over the school by now," I said.

"What happened anyway? I'm not so surprised that you were shouting at Michael, but I am about Ashley and Ben. The three of you are so close."

I explained everything that had happened.

"Things haven't been that good between Ben and me lately either," I told him. "I think fighting with Michael brought it out between us too. I'm just so tired of Ben bugging me about homework all the time. He gets on his high horse about any rule breaking we do and he always feels the need to put his opinion in. I don't need someone telling me what to do."

"I've seen that from Ben," Hank said. "The bloke is a good guy, but I don't think I'd be able to hang out with him as much as you do. What about Ashley?"

"I'm not really that angry with her," I answered. "I've been annoyed with her for not sticking up for herself. I get tired of fighting her battles for her, but that's about it. She does need to stop her whining. I was just mainly angry at Ben, Michael and my parents and I took it out on her. She made a comment about how stupid the Snackboxes are to Michael and I got offended I know she wasn't talking about me though. She was just trying to hurt him."

"Well I'm sure you'll make up with your friends," Hank said. "We're not talking to Jared either."

I looked at him surprised. Had our fight caused a fight between the three boys? It was strange how something could have an impact on so many people.

"Why not? What did he do?"

"He's a big part of Michael's attitude towards Ashley. Michael came over to us earlier to talk about the fight. He made up all these lies about what had happened. According to him, Ashley started flipping out because her birthday gifts weren't good enough so she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He said she started rubbing it in his face that she met Harry Potter and he didn't. He also said she admitted to turning you against him-"

"She did not!" I interrupted indignantly but Hank held up a hand and smiled.

"Joey was sitting with us when Michael came over. He knew that everything Michael said was a lie, so he spoke up and told us what really happened. Jared started going on about how he believed Michael and that he knew it was true that Ashley was just a bad egg. He started bad mouthing her, and then he made a comment about how you're just another sheep who is under her spell. So I lost it, and so did Stan. I have enough but respect for that girl, and I know that this is all Michael. He always sits with us to talk about how ugly she is. I don't even think she is that ugly to begin with. I told Jared that he'd better smarten up if he wants to hang out with me, and Stan agreed. Jared said we were also under her spell and it was a betrayal and then he and Michael walked off."

"Under her spell? That's just ridiculous," I said.

At that moment, I saw Ben enter the Common Room holding Melanie's hand. As awful as the fight was, it seemed it had also worked out for Ben and me as well. He was with the girl he wanted to be, and I was with Hank. He saw me looking at him and he shot me a glare before he led her to the other side of the Common Room. It was obvious that he wasn't ready to make up anytime soon.

"Jared is just looking for a reason to hate her I think," Hank answered. "The boy has major trust issues. It took him months before he trusted Stan and me. I'm sure after this if we start talking again it will take a while before he trusts us. He'll just always see her as a threat and he knows we both like her well enough."

"He has no problems trusting Michael though," I said as Jared and Michael also entered the Common Room. They walked straight to the boy's dorms without looking at anyone.

It seemed none of us were ready to make up with each other. I spent a lot of my time hanging out with Hank and Stan or with Jess, Anne and Erica. I always thought of the three girls as ditzes but as I spent more time with them, I found them to actually have more substance than I originally believed. I did miss hanging out with Ashley, they lacked something she had, but they were still nice enough girls. I also had Quidditch to distract me.

I spent a lot of my time practicing to make the Hufflepuff team. I really wanted to be a Chaser. Stan and Hank enjoyed playing the game enough to join me. The try-outs would be the Friday evening, so I worked hard every day that week. Ben also wanted to make the team as well, and at times I could see him practicing but he never joined us. Part of me missed him nagging at me to do homework. The work had piled up a little, and I knew I had to get to it. I knew if he knew how far behind I was he would say something. However, he didn't acknowledge me at all.

On the day of Try-outs, there were many people who were going for Chaser and I didn't think either Ben or I had a chance. However they paired us up together since the year before we'd practiced together and everyone could see how well we worked together. I hoped as we played that this would be the moment that would bring us together. Unfortunately Ben didn't say a word to me. The captain told us the results would be posted the next day. I turned to Ben to smile at him, but he was already walking off with his broomstick.

"I think you made the team," Hank told me who had been watching from the stands.

"If only he would talk to me," I said. "It's hard to feel happy when one of my best friends won't even look at me."

I felt tears in my eyes, and I wiped at them. Hank didn't say a word, but he hugged me. I just wanted my friends back. I didn't want to talk to Michael, but I wanted Ashley and Ben back. I wondered just how long we could stay angry with each other. It had almost been a week since our fight.

I felt bad for Ashley as well. I could see her hanging out with Denver who she was now dating, but she didn't talk to anyone in our common room. She just sat alone and worked on her homework. I could tell she was very lonely and I figured our fight was affecting her more than anyone. She didn't have too many friends, and the ones she did have had fought with her on her birthday. I felt intense guilt whenever I thought about it. It was all down to Michael. If he hadn't been such a jerk then none of this would have happened.

I could see him in the Common Room staring at her a lot, and I wondered if he still blamed her for everything. I was just glad that he had stopped looking at me. He couldn't even look me in the eye anymore.

"I'm sure you'll make up with them soon," Hank reassured me. "Why don't you just talk to him?"

"It's not Ben I want to talk to first," I answered. "I miss him well enough; I want to talk to Ashley. I just don't think she'll forgive us for causing a fight on her birthday."

"She's the forgiving type," Hank said and he took my hand and led me back to the castle. "She forgave Denver, hell they're dating now. If she can forgive him, she'll forgive you. I'm not so sure she's angry with you anyway. She's always staring at you and Ben. I think she misses the two of you."

I nodded; he was certainly right about that. I figured if they didn't make a move to talk to me soon, I would have to do something. In the distance, I could see Ashley and Denver talking to each other. I'd been watching the two of them and I was surprised to see how devoted he seemed to her. Hank liked me a lot, and he was there for me, but something about Denver seemed more intense. I couldn't explain it, but they seemed closer than most thirteen year old couples would be. I knew at our age that we wouldn't be too serious when we dated, but they seemed older and different.

"I'll talk to them soon if we don't make up," I said. "For now, why don't we go and celebrate?"

"You read my mind," Hank said as he leaned over to kiss me.

A few days later, Hank and I were joking around with each other when I heard Ashley call my name. I looked up to see her and Ben approaching me. They both had smiles on their faces. I felt jealous that they had made up first, but I pushed it away. They both wanted to talk to me now, and that was all that mattered.

"I'm going to go talk to them," I told Hank as they got closer.

"Go ahead, I'll be in the Common Room," Hank said with a smile. He waved at them and walked off.

"So we're making up now?" I asked feeling hopeful.

"If you want to," Ashley answered. "Ellen, I am sorry. I wasn't trying to offend you. It's just Michael made me so upset that I was trying to find any way to get to him. I didn't mean to insult you though. I honestly don't care who uses those things. I don't think you are stupid for using them."

"I overreacted," I admitted. "I knew you weren't trying to offend me. I was just so angry. I am sorry too. I mean, we got in a fight on your birthday of all days. I was never angry with you. After I had some time to cool down, I felt bad. I just felt embarrassed and I was sure you were going to be angry with me for ruining your birthday."

"You didn't ruin my birthday," Ashley replied.

"And I am sorry too," Ben said. "I do think those candies are dumb but I don't think you are dumb. It's your choice to use the things. I'll never agree with that choice, but I am not going to ever say anything to you about it again after this."

I shrugged. "I know Ben, but I am not you. You have to remember that when it comes to homework and everything. I want to do magic but I don't want to spend all my time doing homework and I don't want someone nagging at me for not doing it all the time and I don't want someone bothering me about missing classes either."

Although I didn't want to admit it at that moment, but I had missed his nagging a little. I'd missed everything about them though.

"I know but Ellen, you shouldn't stop doing homework or doing well in school because of your parents," Ben began to say. I didn't want to start another fight with him, but I really didn't want another lecture from him. I just wanted us to get along and move forward.

"Ben please, I don't want a lecture," I told him.

Ben held up his hands. "No Ellen, just hear me out please. I am never going to lecture you or "nag"-" and he put up finger quotes as he said the word nag "after this, but just let me have my say and I will never bring it up again." I shrugged but I decided to let him have his say, so I nodded. He would eventually say it anyway. I might as well get it over with. "I just don't think you should stop doing your classwork because your parents divorced. Do it in your own way, I don't care how. Just continue to try and succeed. Don't let the divorce put you down. I know you feel disappointed that all your hard work last year didn't pay off. I get that. All I am trying to say is that you're going to be here for the next six years and I want to see you get your OWLs and NEWTs at the same time as we do. I want us to finish school together. Just remember that, okay? Like I said I am never going to bother you about doing homework again but just don't let yourself fail."

I thought about what he said before I said anything. He was right. I would never be the nose to the grind stone type of person, but I did want to pass every year. I could see his point. I knew that failing on purpose wouldn't change anything. I had to do it for me, and not my parents. I would work at my own pace and pass, but I was never going to try for top marks. I looked up at him to tell him this, but I also felt I owed him an apology as well.

"I plan to pass every year Ben. And I am very sorry for the mean letter I wrote to you in the summer. I just felt so upset that I needed someone to blame. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine. I already knew deep down that they would divorce. It still hurt to find out. And I am sorry that I rub it in your face about Jaime. I won't do it anymore. You don't have to worry; just because I don't do homework as much as you do doesn't mean I plan to fail. Just let me do it my own way, okay?" I said.

Ben held up a hand again. "Believe me, I promise. And it's okay about the letter. I understood. Ashley and I just agreed that the three of us had so much tension between us because of Michael that we all blew up at each other."

"That's for sure," I said. "I feel bad for him though. I mean, people can't help who they like. I couldn't help falling for Hank any more than you couldn't help falling for Melanie or you Ashley falling for Denver."

I glanced at her and raised my eyebrows to show her that I wanted to discuss more about them later. I recalled her saying during the fight that Denver was her boyfriend that meant they'd gotten together before our fight, not after. I wondered how that came about. When we were alone later, I was going to tell her that she needed to tell me things more, and she had to learn to trust me better.

"Except it worked out for the three of us," Ben said interrupting my thoughts.

"I just don't know if I am ready to talk to him yet," I said meaning Michael. I still didn't feel comfortable around him, especially now that I was with Hank. I didn't want anything to jeopardize my new relationship.

"Same here," Ashley said. "Ben and I discussed that. I have nothing to apologize to him for. It's his move. He needs to apologize to me, and I might consider forgiving him. But if he does hang out with us again, he's on probation. I know you shouldn't do that with friends, but it's different with him. He's done this to us too many times."

I agreed with her though. Putting a friend on probation did seem harsh, but with Michael's attitude I thought it would be a wake up call for him. He'd been doing things like that for a year, and he had to understand that if he wanted to be friends with us, and I could see that Ashley, Ben and I would always be friends no matter what, then he'd have to smarten up.

"No I agree," I told her.

"I do too, I already said I am with you no matter what," Ben said to Ashley.

"I am too," I added to her. "You're my friend first before him. So are you Ben."

Ashley smiled, and I could see relief on her face, and I was feeling the same. Perhaps it would be better if we went back to the three of us again after all. We'd done just well without Michael before, and we could again. He never really felt that close to us anyway.

Later that night I wanted to spend some time alone with Ashley. So while Ben went to hang out with Melanie, I told her that we should catch up on everything. She'd been smiling all day. I could tell out of all of us that she was the happiest to have made up. She didn't have anyone else in Hufflepuff. It was a shame and I wished she'd open up more to other people.

"So how long have you and Denver been together?" I asked her. "It happened before our fight, I remember you shouting that at Michael. Is that why you kept ditching us?"

"No, I just didn't want to be around Michael," she said. "He kept snapping at me or making his comments with Jared. That night in the library when I left, well he and Jared were drawing a rude picture of me. They kept writing how ugly I was. So I left. Denver and I got together on my birthday. We bumped into each other in the Owlery. He told me I should tell Michael off like I did everyone else, and I asked him why it bothered him so much and he kissed me. He liked me as well."

"I could have told you that, in fact I think I did," I said.

"You're one to talk," she said. "You weren't so confident about Hank and that worked out for you."

"That's true," I said and I told her about how we ended up together.

"You shouldn't be afraid to tell me things though," I told her. "You could have told both Ben and me about Denver. From now on just tell me what's going on. You should know you can trust me now."

"I couldn't talk about Denver just because of our history. If it had been anyone else I probably would have told you. Denver and I hated each other though remember? He used to hex me every chance he got. He once covered me in boils," she said.

"I hope he's made up for that one," I said.

"He has," she answered with a grin. "He's amazing. I'm so lucky. I'm just surprised he did like me back, even if we moved on. He's just so handsome and a lot of girls want him. In fact, a lot of people are surprised he is with me. Not too many girls are happy about our relationship. They all think he should have picked one of the Andrew twins. They all talk about it."

"Don't worry about what other people think," I told her. "A lot of girls are just jealous you know."

I was going through the same thing. A lot of girls liked Hank, including Jess and Erica. Surprisingly Anne wanted Michael. Even though she agreed with me about our fight, she still really wanted him. I figured it would be something I'd mention to him if we talked again. At times I thought I saw him staring at her if he wasn't looking at Ashley. I believed he felt bad about the fight, and he wanted to talk to her. He no longer glared at her.

"I know, but what if Denver listens to other people that he shouldn't be with me?" She asked.

She obviously couldn't see just how much the boy liked her. Everyone else had noticed. I think he even liked her more then she liked him. I talked to Claire Parkinson a few times and according to her, all he could do was talk about Ashley. I couldn't see him breaking up with her just because of a few jealous girls. Denver was not someone who would let someone else influence his decision. He did not care what other people thought.

"If you were dating Michael or someone similar I'd be concerned but not Denver. That boy is so stubborn, and maybe you haven't noticed but he does really like you. Just because we haven't talked in a week, doesn't mean I haven't noticed the two of you. I've been wishing to talk to you for a while, but as I said earlier, I was worried that you were angry with me. Anyway, I am telling you right now. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Denver is not going to break up with you over other people's opinions. He doesn't care what other people think," I said.

"Don't you remember last year when he pretended to hate Muggleborns?" She asked.

I didn't think the two situations could compare though. Although he had been a prat for a while about muggleborns, this was not the same thing at all.

"That's different," I answered. "He was a scared first year because he had been sorted into Slytherin, and he was angry with you. But he's changed and everyone knows his opinion. Plus, he's grown up since then. It's obvious to everyone that he just does not care what people think at all. And you do know if he weren't dating you but someone else, people would be talking. In case you haven't noticed but it's happening with Ben and Melanie. Do you know how angry Tara is? And do you know how many people are upset about Hank and me? There are so many boys you like me and there are so many girls who like Hank. People are always going to talk Ashley. Don't worry. I'm sure there are even boys who are jealous of Denver-"

"Yeah right," She interrupted.

I wished she would let go of those old insecurities. If one thing could ruin her relationship it was that. Denver wouldn't want to be with someone who doubted herself or believed she wasn't good enough for him. He would find it insulting. I didn't see the point in telling her that there were two boys who had been interested in her. I knew that Stan had liked her because I'd overheard him telling Hank that he should have asked her out quicker. Joey also really liked her, which was why he was so quick to defend her. I was surprised since I didn't think the two had really interacted. From what I'd heard from a few other girls, there were some boys in Gryffindor who had been somewhat interested.

"Think what you want Ashley, but just don't let Denver see those insecurities. That's a turn off for boys you know. Don't let other girls see it either, they'll use it to get to you," I told her instead.

We couldn't talk much longer because Ben walked over to us. I glanced over at Melanie and I noticed she was frowning. I could have been wrong, but I had a feeling she might have had jealousy issues when it came to Ashley and me. I certainly hoped not. I wanted all of our new relationships to work out. I looked over at Michael who was sitting with Jared. He was staring at us with a longing look on his face. I think he missed us. I wondered if he would soon apologize. I wasn't sure if I wanted him back in our group.


	3. First and Ends

First and ends

Although at first I was happy with my relationship with Hank, things slowly went downhill for us. I knew that at times boys eyes would wander. He was after all a twelve-year-old boy. My mum had told me just that summer that at our age was when hormones would start raging. I was noticing cute boys more than I did this time last year, and I had always noted when someone was cute or not. I couldn't blame Hank for noticing cute girls either, but it bothered me that he had to make a commentary about it, or that he made it obvious in front of me. If he had to do it, why did he have to talk about it or look when I was there?

I didn't know who I could talk to about it either. Ashley was my best girl friend, but she knew nothing about boys. She had silly insecurities when it came to Denver after all. I felt that I knew more about boys than she did even though she was almost a year older. I knew that for one, you could never ever talk to a boy about your insecurity because it would scare them away. She was in danger of doing that with Denver, and he was devoted to her.

I considered talking to Ben about it since he was a boy. He could offer me some insight into the male mind. He could explain to me why Hank wanted to look at other girls and talk about other girls around me. Unfortunately, he was having his own problems with Melanie. She was just too jealous of him and other girls, especially Ashley and me. My suspicions about her previously were confirmed. She did not want Ben to have female friends. I was sure it had to be me more than Ashley just because I was the prettier friend. Most girls would hate it when their boyfriends talked to a girl like me, let alone if they hung out.

So I had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself because I really had no one that I could talk to. I could have maybe talked to Jess, Anne or Erica because they were boy crazy, but I didn't know if I could honestly trust them. Although Ashley was my best friend, and we connected well, my personality was almost similar to theirs. I just didn't act like a silly ditz. They had the same competitive edge I was slowly developing when it came to boys. I just didn't feel that they would have my interests at heart. The three girls were very pretty, but I was the prettier one out of the four of us. So we had that competitive edge with each other.

It was something that I would later learn to control, but at the age of twelve, I didn't understand much about it. All I knew was that I wanted to be the girl that all the boys wanted, even when I was with Hank. I would just never admit to it. At that age, I didn't know just how much trouble that would bring me later on.

One evening, I decided to talk to Keith about this. He was one of the friendlier Hufflepuff boys in our year who I didn't talk to often, but when I did, we got along really well. Hank and Stan were busy talking to Jared, who apparently apologized to them for the fight. Ben was with Melanie, who hated for him to be out of her sight for long, and of course Ashley was off with Denver. So I had the perfect opportunity.

"If you had a girlfriend, would you notice how pretty other girls were?" I asked him.

"Well I wouldn't be dead," Keith answered. "I'm sure you notice other boys."

"But not around Hank," I answered and then I explained to him exactly how Hank was.

"That doesn't seem normal," Keith agreed. "But you're his first girlfriend and he is your first boyfriend. You two aren't going to end up married you know."

"I know," I answered. "I'm sure I'll end up with plenty of different boys while I am here, and even after Hogwarts. I just think that when you're in a relationship, even if you don't think it will last, you shouldn't do what he is doing."

"Have you talked to him about it?" Keith asked.

"No, it's not a good idea to talk to boys about things like that," I told him.

"Honestly Ellen, if I had a girlfriend, I would want to know what her insecurities were," Keith told me. "I wouldn't stare at other girls as much you say Hank does, but if I was making her feel bad, I would want to know. I would be more careful about making her feel that way. I think it's something you should talk about with him."

"No," I said firmly.

"Then the best you can do is ignore it Ellen," Keith told me. "He can't read your mind."

"You're really not much help," I told him.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to say," Keith said. "I told you what I thought you should do, and you won't do it. So the only thing you can do is just ignore it. I know he does like you. Dan and me hang out with them sometimes, and he talks about you a lot. He has been interested in you since last year. So you shouldn't worry too much about it."

Keith was a nice bloke, but he was the male version of Ashley. He was dreadfully shy. He and Hank had different personalities. So perhaps maybe he wouldn't mind if a girl told him her insecurities, other boys would mind. A boy like Hank would not like it, and I was not going to sit there and tell him how I felt. I decided to take his unhelpful advice and ignore when Hank did it. It angered me, and I would sigh with frustration when he did it (hoping he'd take the hint) but I didn't say a word about it.

Shortly after my conversation with Keith, we made it up with Michael. I could tell for a while that he wanted to make it up with us. He often stared at us, especially Ashley. He ended up apologizing to her first, and then to Ben and me afterwards. I had to admit that I did actually miss him. He'd caused problems for our group, but ever since Ashley had invited him to hang out with us the year before, he'd become our friend. I'd felt that there was a missing part of us with him gone, and I was sure Ashley and Ben felt the same way. He was a good bloke when he wasn't being an idiot.

At first we put him on probation. However, after a while we took him off it. It was obvious that it was bothering him, and he acted as if he was walking on eggshells. He was too scared to bring anything up to us, including Melanie's jealousy when it came to Ashley and me. He ended up being a big help with getting Ben to eventually break up with her, and I felt that showed loyalty when he was there for him afterwards. It was Ashley who called off the probation, but Ben and I agreed with it right away. Anyone could see that he was relieved by this.

I was also glad that Ben had dumped Melanie, but the competitive edge in me was annoyed that it was because of Ashley. Apparently Melanie had given Ben an ultimatum. He had to either stop hanging out with Ashley, or they were over. Ben obviously picked his friend over her, but I couldn't believe that it was Ashley she was jealous of.

True, Ben told us that he was closer to Ashley in our group (which annoyed me, him and I had been friends first) but what else could she be jealous of? I never called my friend ugly because it was hurtful, and she was slowly growing into her looks, but she was never ever going to be beautiful. I fully aware that personality triumphed looks, but when it came to other girls, they were going to get jealous of the prettier girl.

I also didn't understand why exactly Ben was closer to Ashley. Him and me had been friends since the train ride to school, and I believed we had a better connection. The year before, Ben and Ashley had been at each others throats a lot. Ben had been so hurtful towards her, and he hadn't been able to stand her constant whining. He'd been in love with her sister and he had acted as if she were some gross girl. He'd actually laughed when she thought that he'd take her to the Valentine's party. So how was he closer to her than me? Was it because he and me had been so angry with each other?

I couldn't take it much longer when it came to that, so one October evening, about a week or so after his break up with Melanie, I asked Ben. Ashley had gone down to bed early, and Michael was talking to Jared. Hank and Stan were too busy working on a History of Magic essay that I had no interest in working on, so I was playing chess with Ben. I knew he wasn't impressed that I wasn't working on it, but he had promised to back down about the homework.

"Ben, why are you closer to Ashley than me?" I asked as he took one of my pieces out. "We've been friends since our first train ride here."

"We befriended Ashley the next morning," Ben said to me. "How is that even relevant Ellen?"

"But you two wouldn't even be friends with each other if it weren't for me," I reminded him.

"You don't know that Ellen. You talked to her first, but you never know what might have happened. I still don't understand what the big deal is. It doesn't mean that I like or Michael less than I like Ashley," Ben answered. "You're Ashley's best friend. That doesn't mean she likes me less. I don't know her feelings about Michael right now. I don't think she quite trusts him, but she obviously likes him enough to end the probation. I thought you said you were closer to Ashley than me. Going by your theory, you should be closer to me. So why is it a big deal?"

"I don't know," I said. "I just remember last year, and now suddenly you're closer to her. It doesn't make sense."

"It started around the Easter holidays," Ben answered. "And I was git last year. I can admit to that. I regret the way I treated her. It started with me feeling guilty about it, but it developed into something more."

I hated the way he said something more. I couldn't understand exactly what he meant by that, but it made me even more jealous than I had been when I found out he was closer. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but it put me in mind of how I'd felt in the summer. I remembered when she'd sat on his lap, and then the day on the beach. It made me almost feel sick to my stomach, and I didn't know quite why. I had suspicions nagging at the back of my mind about exactly why it was, but I pushed those thoughts away. It was Hank that I liked, not Ben. He was my best friend, and I was just jealous because he was my first friend. It was just that competitive edge I had, that was all.

"I don't understand why it bothers you," Ben continued.

"It doesn't bother me," I lied. "I am just curious. I just figured since we were friends first that we would be the two closest in our group. I also remember last year. This time last year you wouldn't have called Ashley your closest friend."

"Honestly, I wouldn't have called any of you my closest friend this time last year," Ben answered. "Perhaps maybe Michael, but we weren't hanging out long enough. It was all equal."

I finally nodded. Things could always change in a year. So much had already changed for all of us. This time last year, none of us had relationships. Ashley would barely talk to anyone outside of our group, but she was branching out more. I had my first boyfriend. Ben had just dumped his first girlfriend. A year from now, it could be Ben and me who were closer. I couldn't explain why this mattered so much to me, but it really did. Maybe it was because it was me who helped Ben and Ashley become friends as I'd pointed out. I wasn't sure. For the time being, I wasn't going to worry about it. I'd worry about Quidditch and my relationship.

I tried my best to make Hank happy so that maybe he wouldn't stare at other girls so much. I started to hang out with more and more even though at times he'd tell me that I should hang out with my friends too. Part of me worried that he was telling me this because he didn't want me around. Was I making him think that I was being really clingy?

I really wanted to go with him to Slughorns Halloween party, but unfortunately, neither of us were in the club. I had no hope of ever being invited to the Slug Club, and while Hank was good in potions, he'd never been invited to join. My only hope was Michael and Ben. They were both part of the club, and I was sure neither of them had dates. Michael had his eye on Anne now, but he hadn't done anything about her yet. I had my doubts that he would by the party, so I figured Ben and Michael could invite Hank and me to the party. Denver would be taking Ashley, so all four of us would be able to be at the party too.

"They might want their own dates though," Hank told me. "Jared told me that Michael did ask Anne anyway."

"I doubt it," I said. "Remember what he was like with me? Ashley and me gave him advice shortly after Ben broke up with Melanie too, but I don't think he was going to do anything about it because of what happened with me. Jared is likely lying."

"Why would Jared lie about that?" Hank asked.

"Why did he make up lies about Ashley?" I asked. "Maybe even Michael lied to Jared about it."

Hank just shrugged but didn't answer. I didn't fully trust Jared still. After everything that went on, I didn't know what he would do next. I couldn't really give an explanation as to why I felt he was lying about Michael and Anne, but I just felt that he was.

"We can try, but if don't end up going, it's not a big deal," Hank told me. "We can have some time to ourselves in the common room because our friends will be at the party. Jared is going with one of the Andrew twins and Stan is going of course."

"I suppose so, but going to a party will be more fun," I said. "Maybe we might even get a chance to get some alcohol this time."

"You would drink?" Hank asked me looking amused.

I didn't know why this seemed funny. I wasn't some goody-two shoes, and I'd tried real alcohol for the first time in the summer with the Sherry that Barry had given us. I wanted to try some more. I didn't want to get falling down drunk like some people did, and I didn't want to puke like Jared did the year before, but I wanted enough to give me that buzzed feeling.

"I've drank. Barry gave us all Sherry in the summer. It was really sweet, but it gave me a nice feeling. I don't want to get drunk drunk, but I understand why people drink," I told him. "Don't you want to drink? Have you drank?"

"Stan snuck us some alcohol during the summer," Hank told me. "But I've tried sips of it before that too. I don't want to be like Jared was last year, but I'd like a glass or two. Slughorn and the prefects tend to watch over anyone third year and younger very closely though."

"Too bad Barry isn't still here," I said. "Last year he let Michael and Ben try some wine."

"Jared might be able to get us some," Hank said with a shrug. "If not, Michael might be able to. He gets into the alcohol rather quickly."

I didn't know what Hank meant by that. Michael had of course tried alcohol too. In fact, he'd down the Sherry the previous summer but he didn't drink a lot. Perhaps he'd had a couple of drinks at some of our Hufflepuff parties. It was just a bit of surprise because he was ashamed of his parents, so I couldn't really see him getting into alcohol a lot.

"Yes maybe," I said. "Well let's ask Michael and Ben later. I really want to go."

As it turned out, Michael did ask Anne out. Apparently Ben had encouraged him to do it. I didn't know why it bothered me, but it did. He had been so obsessed with me, so how had he moved on so quickly? Of course I knew that he stared at her a lot, I'd told him to stop looking at her so much, and I'd even offered advice about it, but it was one thing knowing that he had some interest in her and it was another knowing that he'd actually asked her out and he'd said yes. Did that mean he didn't like me as much as he'd originally thought? Why did it bother me so much?

What upset me even more was the fact that Ben asked Claire Parkinson out. Ben agreed to take me to Slughorn's party and Claire was going to take Hank. However, the two of them talked and Ben said he would love to spend time with Claire. She was a very nice girl, and out of all the Slytherin's, she was the nicest. However, she was a Parkinson and she also wasn't very pretty. In fact, she actually made Ashley look pretty. How could Ben who seemed to have high standards go from Melanie (while she was horrible, she was very beautiful) to Claire Parkinson?

I pretended to be happy for him, but deep down it really bothered me a lot. I hated the fact that he was going with her, and for once I had to agree with Michael. Michael didn't believe that Ben should be hanging out with her either. He thought that Ben could do better than her as well. Although we'd agreed not to talk about our friends behind their backs when we'd made up, Michael and I did discuss this at length, and neither of us were very nice about it.

To make up for it though, I acted as a supportive friend around Ben and Claire. When we went to the party that night, I did my best to act happy for my friend, but I truly wasn't. I didn't have to act around them too much because I was distracted by the fact that neither Ashley or Denver were there. From what it seemed, Denver was angry with Ashley for talking to Jared.

Ashley had decided to forgive Jared for everything by inviting him to her New Years party. She was letting me invite Hank, and she decided to let Jared and Stan go too since they were his friends. I found it odd that she would forgive him, but she was insistent on it. I suppose she had some good points. She had forgiven Michael and Denver and it had worked out. I just worried about her forgiving the wrong person some time, and I knew Ben was worried about that as well.

Jared was grateful for the second chance which surprised me. According to Michael, he still wanted nothing to do with Ashley. I had to wonder why Michael believed that.

"Do you truly want to make things right with Ashley, or are you just doing it to please Hank and Stan?" I asked Jared that night. Hank and Stan had taken off to see if they could sneak some alcohol leaving Jared and me alone.

"I want to make things right with her," Jared answered. "I know I was a git, and I am surprised she is even willing to forgive me, especially given the fact that Michael is making me the bad guy in all this. I had my part in your fight for sure, and I said and did some things but Michael is making it seem as if it was all me. It's as if he wants her to think I influenced him to act like that."

"That's exactly what he said," I said.

When we all made up, Michael even went as far as telling us that he would no longer hang out with Jared because of it. He'd blamed it on his insecurities about his home life, and his crush on me, but he also made it seem as if Jared was basically taking advantage of his insecurity and making him hate Ashley. I told this to Jared.

"Well in a way I did, but not exactly," Jared said. "I truly felt that it was Ashley who was turning you against him, but it was only because I thought she wanted revenge on him. He was acting like a git long before I said or did anything. It was about the time when she met Harry Potter,"- I nodded in agreement to this. It was about that time when Michael had suddenly had a personality change- "and then it just grew worse after that. At first I was supportive of it, but then I could see that he was just using me as a sounding board to bad mouth Ashley. I got sick of it, especially since I could tell he was exaggerating some of the things he said. Then he told that bullshit story about what happened with your fight, and it caused me to fight with my friends, and I just got fed up with it. Michael didn't even bother to tell any of you that it was me who told him to talk to Ashley again in the first place."

"No," I answered quickly and I was surprised to hear that. "I would never have believed it was because of you that he talked to us again. I just thought it was because he was sorry and wanted to."

"Well he was," Jared replied. "He just wouldn't make a move, and I was tired of it. That morning when Melanie was being a bitch to Ben I told him it was now or never, so he followed her and as you know, the rest is history. I just didn't expect her to invite me because I knew that he was putting all the blame on me. I came close to ending our friendship, but I know the bloke needs friends, so I didn't."

"Michael probably thought he could lie about your part in it because he didn't expect she would talk to you," I said. "He probably thought it would never come out."

"I know that is exactly what it is," Jared said looking irritated but I knew it wasn't me he was irritated with, but Michael. "And it angers me because I don't want her thinking that, and Michael seems to take issue with it. He kept going on about how everyone is turning into Ashley lovers. I just don't want us fighting, especially when I know I was in the wrong. I want to make things up to her."

"Ashley lovers?" I asked. I was a little amused by this because it was something I could hear Michael actually saying.

"Yes, apparently we're all being Ashley lovers by defending her," Jared answered. "Don't tell him I said any of this though. Now that Ashley and me are talking, I think our groups will finally get along and it's what I've wanted for a while considering you and Hank are dating. I'm willing to move past it because I understand Michael."

I nodded. "I won't say anything," I assured him.

I was just glad to know that he was sincere, and he had a point about our groups too. Now we could all study or hang out together without anyone being hostile. Now if only Hank could stop staring at other girls all the time, things would be perfect. At the moment, I could see if across Slughorn's office oggling some seventh year in a short muggle dress. I felt my irritation rise instantly, but I tried to push it away. I didn't want to fight with him.

My annoyance with Hank grew more and I suppressed it so much, I accidentally took it out on the one person who was always supportive of me. The students from Durmstrang and Beauxbaton's arrived at the end of October. I was feeling irritable and for some reason my back hurt and I had a stomach ache too. We were all supposed to be waiting for them to arrive outside, but all I wanted to do was go down to my dorm and lay down.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know if it was Hank, but I just felt angry but I also felt like crying as well. Everyone around me was all excited about the foreign students coming, and all I could focus on was how uncomfortable I felt, and how irritated I was with my boyfriend. I was worried that we were going to go down the Ben and Melanie route and eventually break up, and for some reason that directed my irritated thoughts towards Ashley.

How was it that out of all of us, she was the one to find a devoted first boyfriend? I wasn't an idiot. I knew that Hank was going to be the first of many boyfriends, but that didn't mean I didn't want things to work out. So why was it that Ben and me who were the best looking people in our group were the ones who were having unsuccessful relationships? Things were even working out with Michael and Anne. Not that Michael was bad-looking, but there were plenty of boys who could run circles around him and he was insecure too boot. Yet he and Anne who hadn't been together for very long seemed closer than Hank and me. Everyone called Ashley and Denver an old married couple behind their backs.

It was likely why my irritation made me end up eventually saying the unforgiveable to her. Although I didn't find my friend pretty, even though she had grown into her looks since the year before, I never called her ugly to her face. I hated even thinking it in my mind even though I did. However, my thoughts were mine. It was okay to think things, it just wasn't okay to say those thoughts or make someone feel bad.

It was the night the students arrived, and Hank spent the time ogling the french girls, and going on about how he'd love to be with them. He didn't care that I was sitting there. Sure I noticed there were some cute boys but they were all in their sixth and seventh years, and I kept the thoughts to myself. I didn't speak it out loud. Hank was going on with Stan and Jared about how pretty the girls were.

When we arrived back to the dorms later, I decided to vent to Ashley about him. It was the first time I'd really brought my insecurities up to anyone.

"I can't believe him,"I said to her angrily as we got ready for bed in the bathroom.

"He's still very happy with you though," she replied as if missing the point completely. It didn't matter if he was happy with me. Actually it did. If he was so happy with me, he shouldn't have been looking at other girls! It should have just been me.

"I know he is, but he is constantly doing that. I know he is going to notice pretty girls. I do notice cute boys. It's the fact that he just stares at them, and talk about how good-looking they are is what bothers me. There are times when he has said that if he were single, he would date a certain girl," I explained to her with annoyance. "It's not just tonight, and I get tired of it."

"Have you talked to him about it?" She asked me. She still didn't get boys. You don't talk to boys about that kind of thing. It was a turn off.

"No," I told her and shook my head hard. "I told you, it's not a good idea to let guys see your insecurities."

She stared at me as if she didn't believe me. Of course she wouldn't understand. Maybe it was because she had a devoted boyfriend. I didn't know. I just knew that you never ever told a boy about your insecurities. Melanie was enough proof of that. She'd shown Ben her insecurities and he'd gotten fed up with it. It got to the point that she gave Ben and ultimatum, and that obviously didn't work well for her. I didn't understand how my friend could be older but so clueless.

Recently I wondered what Hank would say or do if I suggested shagging. I didn't think we were ready for that yet, but I'd heard older girls talking about it. What if Hank wanted that? The idea of sex scared me since I'd only really read about it, but mum and dad had also told me it was something that was always on boys minds. I knew that even though people shouldn't they had sex at our age. Michael's parents had been fourteen and fifteen. That was just two years older than Ashley and me!

So I said to Ashley, mainly for shock value, but also to see where she stood with Denver:

"Maybe if I shagged up with him."

Ashley who had started to brush her teeth dropped her toothbrush in the sink and stared at me in shock. Her reaction proved that she hadn't had those thoughts with Denver quite yet. I was surprised because some people had their suspicions that the two of them had shagged up. I didn't think they had, I think she would have told me, but I figured she'd have those thoughts. However, her reaction seemed to be of someone who thought I was going overboard, and her next words seemed to prove this.

"You can't be serious, Ellen!" She said to me. She almost sounded like Ben. It was something he would say if someone said something over the top.

"Well why not?" I demanded just to see what she would say, although I had a feeling I knew she'd bring up our age. People our age did have sex.

Sure enough:

"You're twelve years old! He hasn't been pressuring you into it has he?" She asked,

"No of course not, he hasn't brought it up at all. I've just heard some of the older girls talking about it. They said having sex with them usually keeps them interested," I explained "Besides, age shouldn't matter."

I didn't know if I believed the last bit or not. On one hand, I knew twelve was young, but what if a couple truly did love each other? If Ashley and Denver had sex, I'd understand. And what if having sex did stop Hank from looking at other girls?

"Yes it should matter Ellen! No one should be having sex at twelve! You can't try and keep him by having sex with him. Just talk to him about how you feel. I could never have sex with Denver just to keep him interested."

Her tone reminded me so much of Ben when he got into lecture mode that my irritation grew. All my frustrations came out at that moment, and all I wanted to do was insult her. I knew it was wrong, and I regretted it right away, but I just couldn't stand it that she was getting on her high horse when all I wanted was for her to be my friend. She just didn't get it!

"Probably because you're too ugly," I retorted and I regretted it the moment I saw the look of hurt on her face, and I knew I'd gone too far.

Ashley stared at me, and then rinsed off her toothbrush and headed back to our dorms. I was glad that the other girls hadn't been in the bathroom by that point. As she walked off, they were just coming in, and I chased after her calling out her name.

"Looks like there is trouble in paradise again," Melanie muttered to Sarah as I chased after Ashley and I wanted to hit her.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why was I having these thoughts and why did I have to insult the one person who was always loyal to me? Why did I feel so crappy? My feelings were all over the place and I didn't know why. I'd never gone through this before, and later I would realize I was being irrational and I would understand why. At that moment though, I just wanted to run out of the castle and scream as loud as possible. Was I going insane?

"Look I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to hurt you. You just don't know what you're talking about when it comes to this," I explained to her. I didn't want us to fight.

"Ellen, this is one time when I am going to have to disagree with you. I'll forgive you for your comment because you're frustrated but don't do it again. I honestly think you should talk to Brianne about this before you make any decisions. She's fifteen, so she will know better than either one of us," Ashley told me as she climbed into our bed. "Now leave me alone until tomorrow. I will forgive you for your comment, but at this moment I still don't feel like talking to you. And we don't have to tell Ben or Michael about this."

She shut her bed curtain quickly. I felt the tears running down my cheeks. Maybe she was right. Perhaps I could talk to Brianne about all this.

"I am sorry," I told her before I climbed into my own bed.

I had just done the unforgivable. I'd always gotten so angry with Ben and Michael for calling her ugly and now I had, all because my emotions were all over the place. I decided she was right. I would track down Brianne as soon as I could. I lay awake for a long time crying silently.

Thankfully the next day Ashley seemed to forget about our argument, and she was as friendly as ever. I was still frustrated with Hank however, and I ended up taking my anger out on Ben instead which I felt guilty about. He'd made an innocent comment to me about breaking the rules, and I'd told him to shut up.

I felt so upset that I didn't stay to see who the champions would be. I ended up going back down to the common room. I still felt sick and all I wanted to do was lay in my bed. I would apologize to Ben later. I felt guilty and I didn't want another fight like we'd had at the beginning of the school year.

While I was in the dorms, I decided to write a long letter to Brianne. I figured Ashley was right when it came to that. I didn't know how many boyfriends she'd had, but even if she hadn't had any (which I doubted) she would know more. She was after all fifteen years old. So I told her everything. I felt that it was easier to write everything down in a letter than to actually talk about it anyway. I just hoped she would get back to me soon.

After I finished the letter, I stood up and went to push in the chair I'd been sitting on when I noticed a spot on it. I gasped realizing what it was. I hadn't had my period yet by that point, but I knew enough about them. I quickly rushed to the bathroom to check and I noticed I'd made a mess. What if I'd been walking around school like this all day? Of course our robes were dark, but still. I started to cry, and I wondered if this was the reason for why my feelings were all over the place. I had a quick shower and then quickly washed the chair I'd been sitting on. I wasn't sure what to do about the clothes I'd ruined. What was I supposed to do? I didn't have anything to wear to stop the mess. I didn't know if any of the girls in my dorms had gone through this, and I was scared to leave the dorms.

I was still crying when Ashley entered the dorms later on.

"You know, if it is really bothering you that much you should talk to Hank, or break up with him," she said to me when she saw me.

For a moment I felt angry and I wanted to snap at her, but I pushed those feelings away. She didn't know what was wrong, and it made sense she would assume that I was crying over Hank. She was just trying to be helpful, and I didn't want to snap at her again like I had the night before.

"It's not that," I told her. I didn't know if I could tell her or not. I didn't even know if she'd gone through this.

"Well then what's wrong?" She asked.

"I don't know who I can talk to about this, and I am scared to leave the common room, so I can't go find Brianne or Brenda," I answered instead of telling the truth.

"About what?" She pushed. I knew she wasn't going to let it go, so I figured I might as well just tell her. She wouldn't laugh at me.

"I-I got my period, and I have nothing to take care of it," I explained with embarrassment. "I guess that's why I have been so grouchy lately," I added trying to justify last night.

"Oh that, well I've gone some pads in my trunk," she answered.

She sounded so casual about it, as if it wasn't as big of a deal as it was. Later I would realize that it wasn't, but at the moment it felt like it. It was my first period after all and normally girls could have their mothers to talk to about this, but mine was miles away and this was something I felt that I needed to talk to an older girl about. She was older, but how was I supposed to know she'd gone through it already.

"You've been through this already?" I asked. "When?"

"Just this summer, it started right after we finished Hogwarts," she replied and she walked over to her trunk. She went rifling through it until she pulled out a bag of pads. "My sister showed me what to do."

"It's just so embarrassing," I told her. "I mean, I knew it would happen but I guess it must have started in the Great Hall. I noticed when I got back here that I had made a mess."

I didn't know for sure if it had started in the Great Hall, but I figured it had to have. Given the mess I'd made, I doubted it had started in the time I'd written the letter.

"Well here, you can use some of these," she told me as she handed me some, "but I am sure Madame Pomfrey has some in her office too. My mum only got me enough to last until the Christmas break so I have to be careful. Those should last you. Maybe she has better ones anyway, I don't know what magical ones for witches are like since these are muggles ones."

"They'll do," I told her. I wasn't really sure if there was a difference between muggle pads and witch ones either. I'd never given it a thought until that moment. However, I felt I owed her another apology. I knew hormones wasn't an excuse, but I figured they had to be behind it. It explained why my emotions were all over the place. "And thank you so much. And I really am sorry about last night. I am not making excuses, but I guess maybe it was the hormones talking. I would never say something like that to you. And I wasn't serious about the sex. I just felt so emotional that's all. Were you like this?"

She had her whiny moments, but I'd never seen her act the way I had. She'd never gone overboard. She nodded.

"I think my mother suspected something was up. Normally if I backtalk her she gets angry but she was more understand that time. I'm sure I get like that too when it's about to start. It's a monthly thing," she told me. "But I still think you should either talk to Hank or Brianne or do both. I'm glad you're not serious about sex, but still."

I was sure she wouldn't, but I could help but ask her not to tell the boys about this. They were our friends, but this was just something they didn't need to know about. I went into the bathroom to put on a pad. I was pleased to see that I hadn't made another mess in the time since my shower. I was also relieved to know that I wasn't going insane after all. It was just hormones. I just hoped they were something I'd learn to deal with. I didn't want to be a bitch every month.

"You know I won't," Ashley told me when I returned to the dormitory, "but you should know they are going to be asking what it was wrong. They were badgering me about why you're unhappy. I told them if they want to know, they should ask you."

"I guess I should tell them. It's not really fair to keep them in the dark. But still. They will never know about my period," I answered. After all, we'd talked to Ben about his problems with Melanie. It wouldn't hurt to discuss my problems with Hank with Michael and Ben. I just didn't think they should know that I'd gotten my first period.

"None of them know about mine, not even Denver. I can't imagine ever discussing it with anyone. I was glad it happened at home, and in the summer," Ashley answered. "And now I know I have to keep track of it, but I can tell anyway. I get crampy."

"So that's normal?" I asked feeling relieved. Mum hadn't told me about the cramps or the backaches. "I have a backache and cramps and I feel nauseous."

'It's normal," she answered "I keep hoping there is a witches potion or something for that. Come to think of it, maybe I'll go down with you to see Madame Pomfrey. Maybe there is a potion or something."

I hoped there was a potion for it. It was bad enough that I had to bleed and be emotional, I didn't get why I had to be in pain as well. Boys were so lucky. They didn't have to go through any of this. I said this to Ashley who giggled.

"Yes but mum said they go through their own problems," she told me. "Ben and Michael will be having their own insecurities for the next few years, especially when they are attracted to girls. They don't have to deal with the monthly mess, but they have their own embarrassments that they have to hide."

I wondered exactly what that was. I wanted to ask, but the other girls walked into the dorm by that point, so I didn't get the chance. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I wasn't exactly sure. I was glad however. If we had to suffer through this every month they should have to go through something too.

I did end up talking to Ben and Michael about what was bothering me. For some reason they too agreed with Ashley about talking to Hank, but I just disagreed with them. So I decided not to bring it up with my friends anymore.

Shortly after I sent the letter to Brianne, I got one back from her telling me to meet her in one of the empty classrooms. I was glad that she wanted to have a one on one talk with me. I considered telling Ashley about this because perhaps she could go to Brianne as well for some womanly advice, but I decided against it this time. I just wanted it to be her and me. Since Ashley had told me to go to her, I was sure she'd gone to Brianne in the past as well. She had gone to her about the eyebrows.

"First of all, I hope that you're not thinking about sex anymore," Brianne told me when we met up. "You do not need to have sex at twelve. Ashley is right about that. I don't even think girls should be having sex at my age, but they do. I am waiting until I am at least seventeen. Your hormones are all over the place right now Ellen."

"Believe me I know, I got my first period when I was writing that letter to you," I told her.

"I figured you've had it or you were about to have it," Brianne answered. "Twelve is a hard age. I would never be that age again if you paid me. You're just getting interested in boys, you are hormonal and there are other changes in your body as well. You're going from a child to a woman. Puberty is awful. I can't wait until I'm older and I don't have to deal with it anymore."

"You mean you're still going through it?" I asked her with shock.

"Of course. It doesn't stop right away. You're basically going through it for most of your teens," she answered. "There are still parts about my body that are changing. I didn't get my period until I was thirteen, but I still get hormonal at times. Well, I always will every month but with teens are hormones are out of whack for years. You just learn to deal with it after a while. That doesn't mean I don't get emotional. I just learn to control myself. It's something Brenda hasn't learned and she is seventeen. I hate being around her when she's on hers," Brianne explained.

It didn't surprise me about Brenda. I was just relieved to know that this was normal, and I did hope it was something I'd learn to control eventually. It was upsetting to know that this puberty thing was going to last. I was hoping that it would be a few months and it would be done, and I'd just be a woman.

"Okay, so about Hank. It's not just the hormones with him," I said.

"Boys are going to look at other girls Ellen," Brianne said. "There isn't anything you can do about it."

"So I am just supposed to put up with his constant commentary about beautiful girls?" I asked.

"You could tell him that while you understand he is going to notice other girls, you don't like how he does it in front of you," Brianne said. "I know you think that you shouldn't tell boys your insecurities but you should. They really aren't that different from us."

"I don't want to talk to Hank about this," I told her.

"Then you're going to have to put up with it," Brianne told me.

I felt like I was talking to Keith again. Why was it that I either had to put up with it or talk to them? No one could give me any useful advice when it came to this. It was simple, Hank should not look at other girls around me. Even if boys were going to notice other girls, they weren't supposed to do it in front of their girlfriends. Why was it that even Brianne couldn't see this? I decided not to contradict her though. I just nodded, but I didn't take her advice.

After that, things slowly kept deteriorating with Hank and me. I considered just dumping him, but I didn't want to be the only person single in my group. Anne and Michael were dating, and for some reason Ben stuck with Claire and of course Ashley was with Denver. I didn't want to be lonely. So I stuck with Hank, but I threw all my concentration into Quidditch.

I knew I was a good player. It probably sounded egotistical, but I was one of the best players on the team even though I was twelve. Even when the team wasn't practising, I went out on my own. It was my favourite game and I wanted to get even better. Maybe someday I could even be like Ginny Weasley who had been asked to join the Holyhead Harpers. I hoped that someday, even maybe that year I would bring a win to Hufflepuff house.

Ben loved Quidditch too, but he didn't seem to have the passion for it that I did. Whenever I asked him to come out and practice with me, he wouldn't most of the time. Sometimes he did, but most of the time he just wanted to do homework or hang out with Claire.

"I just play for fun," he told me when I questioned him about it.

"But you even told me that it's a good distraction for you," I said to him. "You said it help with stress."

"It does, but it's not my life like it seems to be for you," he answered me. "I want to be good at it, but I don't want to spend my every waking moment practicing either. I know I told you I wouldn't lecture about homework, but you should remember that Professor Sprout won't like it if you get behind on your school work. I saw your last potions essay."

I knew he was right so for once I didn't argue with him about it. It was true that I was slacking, but I just simply didn't care about my homework. I still felt that I was there to learn magic. If I could do the spells, why should the rest matter? I still felt let down by my parents. I knew it was stupid to think that doing homework would stop them from fighting now, but still. I had put all that effort in the year before for them, and they hadn't cared. They hadn't bothered to work on their problems and from what I was hearing from Timmy, dad was slowly pulling away from us. He was supposed to take Timmy every other weekend, but he'd cancelled the last two weekends. Why didn't he want to see his son?

I had to admit, I was bit worried that my dad was going to pull out of our lives. I remembered what he said about the magic and he hadn't really been writing to me. In fact, I now understood how Michael felt when it came to his parents. His parents barely wrote last year, and I didn't even think he'd gotten a letter from them this year. He wasn't even going home for the Christmas holidays that year. Mum still sent at least a couple letters a week, and Timmy still wrote often. He told me what mum left out, but dad just didn't seem interested.

I hated feeling this stressed out, and it gave me another reason to feel annoyed with Ben and Ashley. I hated when they complained about feeling stressed, but neither of them really knew what stress was. It was still Michael and me who were dealing with problems that they would never have to face. Even though it didn't excuse Michael's earlier behaviour, I did understand why he had lashed out so much. It was a lot to take on. However, he seemed happier now that he had a girlfriend and he didn't have to go home until the summer.

To be honest, I was relieved as December approached and we could go home. Most people didn't want to leave because of the Tri-Wizard tournament, but I actually didn't care about it. I showed enthusiasm when we went to the first task and I did hope for a Hogwarts win, but I just didn't give a damn about it. I didn't find it as exciting as I'd originally thought it would be. I didn't even get to meet the foreign students anyway because they had no interest in second years. They only stuck to the students in the sixth and seventh years.

I was actually more focused on Ashley's New Years party. She was inviting even more people. Anne, Jess, Erica and Sarah had all asked if they could be invited as well, so she was letting them. So that year there would be more of our Hogwarts friends. I thought this was a good thing, not only because the muggles from Ashley's old town could see that she had friends, but because there would be more people for us all to talk to. I'd gotten along well enough with Jaime's muggle friends, but I was just happy to have a party outside of school with our classmates. I found it interesting that the shyest girl in our year was the one who had the parties that everyone wanted to be invited to.

I was starting to get to know a girl from Ravenclaw named Lindsay. I wasn't really a fan of Ravenclaw's because or Tara, Natalie and Lydia, but Lindsay was actually a nice girl. We had to be partnered up in one of our classes together for a project and we hit it off really well. She really wanted to be invited to the New Years party that year, and I considered asking Ashley to invite her as well, but I decided against it for the time being. It was one thing for her to invite the Hufflepuff's and of course Denver's friends, but her and Lindsay had barely talked. I would have to introduce them and perhaps in a year she could invite her.

It was actually because of Lindsay that I finally figured out what I had been denying since the end of first year. I didn't want to believe it because he was one of my best friends. She confessed to me that she had a crush on Ben and that she wished she'd said something to him before he'd gotten with Claire. However, she'd wanted to give him time after Melanie.

When she told me all this, I felt angry with her, and at first I didn't know why. I figured it out later and I felt let down by it because we couldn't be together. However, at the same I was relieved because it explained why I was annoyed with Ben for being closer to Ashley. I was in love with Benjamin Hoofer.

I remembered all the times I'd been annoyed with Ashley for hanging off Ben. I did at times, but not as much as she did. I remembered how upset I'd felt in the summer when she had sat on his lap, and he had held her close. The moment had looked so intimate that I'd felt extremely jealous. I remembered in the summer when I'd wanted to kiss Ben on the beach, but then Rachel and Ashley had interrupted. I remembered how hurt I'd felt when Ben had confessed to us that he was closer to Ashley. I remembered how annoyed I'd been when Ben wouldn't let me read a letter Barry had sent him, but he didn't care that Ashley had read over his shoulder.

"Can I see it?" I had asked him. It had been a letter of advice about what to do about Melanie and any other future girls he may have.

"Why?" He asked me looking annoyed. "I just told you what it said. You guys don't need to be reading my letters."

"Ashley read it right over your shoulder," I'd said with accusation. Shouldn't he be angry that she was reading it over his shoulder? She had commented on some of the things that Barry had written in the letter. As usual her insecurities had come up. Somehow she always managed to make things about her looks when it was someone elses problem.

"Sorry," Ashley had shrugged. "I didn't know it would bother you."

"It didn't," Ben told her. "I don't care that you did."

I remember feeling furious and I'd glared over at her. Luckily she hadn't noticed. At the time I'd wondered why it was that he trusted her and not me. However, now I knew it was because I was in love with him, and I didn't want any other girl, not even my best friend or Ben's best friend to be intimate or close to him.

What was Ben going to do someday when we did date? Of course I wanted our group to remain close but I wasn't always going to tolerate that kind of behaviour from him or Ashley. At the moment I knew of course we couldn't be together because he was with Claire and I was with Hank. However, I was sure that in a few years we would end up together. I knew that Ben was going to realize that he was in love with me back, and we'd end up dating. That would likely put a bit of a wedge in their relationship especially since girlfriends and boyfriends were close.

I knew for the time being I was going to have to keep my feelings to myself. I was with Hank after all, but it was going to come out someday. I felt guilty for being in love with someone else while I had a boyfriend, and I almost felt like a hypocrite for getting upset with Hank for looking at other girls. I told myself it wasn't the same thing though. I didn't ogle Ben and I only just realized my feelings. Hank ogled random girls and talked about them while I was there. I would never tell anyone my feelings... at least not yet. Not even Ashley would know.

When I got home for the Christmas holidays it was to see that Mum had gone all out with the decorations. Normally we decorated for Christmas, but not as much as mum did that year. I think she really wanted to make up for the fact that this would be our first Christmas without dad. We weren't even going to spend the day with him at all. I was disappointed when I found this out.

"Why not?" I asked mum after she told me that Timmy and me wouldn't be going over to his place that year.

"He didn't explain why," she told me. "He just told me to give you two your gifts on Christmas."

"But I haven't seen him since summer," I protested. "I thought we were supposed to see him on certain weekends."

"I know Ellen," mum said and she pulled me into a hug. I was close to tears. Why didn't he want to see me?

"What else could he be doing? What about Grandma and Grandpa Perenge?" I asked. "We never see them much as it is, but we always see them at Christmas."

"Ellen, he didn't give me a reason for why. He just said that he wasn't taking either one of you for the holidays. He hasn't taken Timmy for a weekend since the beginning of November. I don't know what he is doing."

"Does he hate magic so much that he doesn't even want to see us?" I asked her. "He barely even wrote to me all term."

"Honey, if I could give you the answers I would. All I know is that after You-Know-Who, your father changed a lot. I think maybe he feels like magic betrayed him or something. We don't talk to each other much anymore. After we divorced, the only contact we've had is when he wants to take the two of you, or when he sends child support. Believe me, I have tried to get answers for both you and Timmy."

I blinked back the tears in my eyes. How could my own father ignore me like this? What about Timmy? He was just seven years old. How could someone ignore a little boy? Maybe he didn't want his twelve-year-old daughter, but what about his little son?

"Well then I am not writing to him until he changes his attitude!" I said angrily. "I'm not going to force myself on him if he doesn't want me."

And I knew it was wrong to blame my mother, but part of me blamed her as well. Maybe she should have done something to save their marriage. I didn't know what, but she could have tried harder. I hated having divorced parents and a father who ignored me and hated magic. What had I ever done to deserve any of this?

"We'll try to make the best of it here for Christmas," mum continued. "I promised you when you were a little girl that you could help me with Christmas dinner when you were twelve. So if you still want to this year, you can."

"Sure," I answered dully. I wasn't going to reveal my thoughts to mum because I didn't want her to feel bad. I decided to change the subject. "Mum, I didn't write home to you about it, but I got my period back in October and it's due to start soon. Ashley told me it's usually about the same time every month. I had it again around the end of November."

"I have stuff here but we'll go out and pick you up some more for when you're at school," mum told me and she wiped away one of the tears that I hadn't been able to hold back, and then she kissed my cheek. "I should have prepared you for that. I knew you'd be started soon. It's usually around twelve."

"It's okay, Ashley and Brianne helped me out with it," I told her. "Madame Pomfrey also keeps extra pads for students. Now I know the signs to look for too."

"I'm glad about that, but still. I should have told you the signs to look for," mum answered.

"The cramps are awful," I said with a small smile. "I had a backache and I was just so emotional. I thought I was going insane. I couldn't figure out why I wanted to cry one moment, or laugh the next. I got angry over things I didn't need to."

Mum laughed. "Yes that is normal. Now why don't you go spend some time with Timmy? He really missed you and he's been quiet lately."

I knew it was likely because he was upset that dad was ignoring him. I wanted to go back to when he annoyed me all the time. I missed my old brother. A year ago or more I would have welcomed the silence, but now I didn't. I just wanted him to be a normal seven-year-old boy. Of course he still had his moments where he was happy, but it wasn't everyday like it used to be.

So I went into his bedroom. I hadn't really given much thought to the fact that he hadn't said much to me in the car because I'd been to busy brooding about Hank and thinking about the new development with Ben. As soon as we got home, Timmy went straight to his room, and all I'd noticed was the Christmas decorations. What kind of sister was I? Since when did boys dominate all my thoughts? Was it normal to constantly think about boys this much?

I found Timmy playing with some toy Quidditch players. They were charmed to fly, and you could even get them to play a game of Quidditch. It was one of the last gifts that dad had bought for him before we'd gone into hiding. Him and me had played with it quite often. They weren't that good at playing a game, but it was still entertaining. I'd told Ashley and Michael about them once, and the two of them had been amazed. I could understand however. I knew that while some muggle toys were fun enough, none were like wizarding toys. I'd seen Ashley's old toys and I was sure that Michael didn't even have much.

"You're quiet today," I said to Timmy as I sat down across from him. "I'm sorry I didn't say much to you in the car. I was just stressing about something at school. You haven't even welcomed me home."

"Dad doesn't want us to go to his place for Christmas," Timmy muttered without looking up.

"I know, I was just talking to mum about that," I answered.

"Why doesn't he love us anymore Ellen?" He asked me.

I'd basically asked mum the same thing, and I could see the tears in her eyes. I'd known it was because she felt sad for Timmy and me, and not for herself. When Timmy asked me this, I understood how mum had felt during our conversation. I felt sad for my little brother. I couldn't even give him the right answer either, and by that point I didn't even know he still loved us.

"A boy in my class told me that his parents still love him and they are divorced," Timmy continued. "We're not bad. I always try to be a good boy and you are a good girl."

"Sometimes I think it's the magic," I told him.

I didn't know if I should tell him this or not. Would mum be upset by it?

"Why?" Timmy asked. "He is magical too."

"Yes, but do you remember how we had to stay inside all the time because of the bad man?" I asked.

Of course Timmy didn't know all the details about You-Know-Who, but he knew enough, and mum was telling him more as he grew older. She didn't want him to be kept in the dark about it. She didn't want him to go to Hogwarts not knowing about the war. Most wizarding children grew up with the knowledge of his first take over by the time they were his age. Timmy nodded.

"Yes, we couldn't play outside much because our grandparents are muggles," Timmy said. "And mum and dad are muggleborn like your friends are. You-Know-Who hated muggles and muggleborns."

So apparently mum had been telling him more than I'd realized. I was glad about that.

"Well I think dad feels that magic caused that," I said.

"But that isn't our fault," Timmy said. "We had to hide too."

"I know, but dad has to realize that on his own," I said. "He doesn't blame us. I just think it's anything magical."

"Then he shouldn't have had kids!" Timmy stated angrily.

Although I didn't think my brother was dumb exactly, I was just surprised he was smart enough to realize that given his age. Most seven-year-olds probably wouldn't really put that kind of connection together. He was right though. Dad knew the risk when he had one kid with my mum let alone a second one. Sure You-Know-Who's takeover had been long after we'd been born, but still. He couldn't turn his back on the two people he had brought into the world just because he was scared. There were many things in life that a parent could be scared of, not just magic, and if a person was willing to turn their back that quick on their children, then they didn't deserve them. I vowed that I would never ever treat mine that way.

"You're right," I said. "But he did and he has. So you and me need to stick together. Timmy, I want you to be the happy little boy you used to be, even if it can be hard. I am trying very hard at school, and I want you to try at home. I know I get angry with you when you annoy me, but to be honest, I'd rather have that over you being sad."

"I'll try," Timmy said.

"We should try to be very happy for mum too. She is trying for us as well," I continued.

"I know," Timmy said. "We decorated for you."

"So no more moping then," I told him. "Sometimes we probably will feel sad, but we need to move on too. We need to try and be happy more then sad."

Timmy nodded. "I do try, but sometimes I get sad, especially right now because we won't see dad for Christmas."

"Believe me, I understand," I said. "I haven't seen him since the summer."

"Want to play Quidditch with me?" Timmy asked.

"Sure," I said. "We'll see if you can beat me yet."

"It's a bet," Timmy said his face lighting up for the first time since I'd gotten into the car.

"What are we betting?" I asked him.

Usually we bet something like chores or telly shows. It made me realize even more how much I missed this with him. Suddenly, spending Christmas with just my mum and my brother didn't seem to bad after all.

Hank barely wrote back to me over the holidays and it bothered me a lot. I sent him several letters but only two came back from him by the time New Years came. One of them included my Christmas gift which were some cheap badger earrings. I knew that material things weren't everything but I just felt he could have put more thought into them. He didn't have to spend a lot of money on it, but I just didn't like badger themed things the way Ashley did. She went all out when it came to accessorizing for Hufflepuff. However, I did it just with the colours at times, but I tried to be tasteful about it. I didn't find badgers to be tasteful at all, especially when it was cheap black and yellow plastic.

I considered complaining to Ashley about it, but she wouldn't understand. A girl like her didn't care about things like that, especially since she came from a poor home. So I turned to my new found friend, Lindsay, and I told her everything. I honestly felt myself telling her more in a letter than I did with Ashley. I just felt my personality was more similar to Linday's than Ashley's, and so she wouldn't just my complaints. Ashley would just tell me that it's the thought that counts and that I should just talk to Hank. Lindsay never said any of that.

Her letter back was full of understanding and even some insults about Hank. I felt a little better after reading her letter, and I wondered if I should take her advice and just dump him. She told me it sounded as if neither of us were happy, especially since he wasn't writing back to me and he sent such a terrible gift to me. I even wrote a letter to let him know that the gift was unacceptable considering that I'd spent a good amount on his gift, but he didn't back to me.

Things seemed awkward between us when we finally met up at Ashley's. She could tell instantly that something was bothering me. Ben, Michael, Denver and me all arrived the day before everyone else did. Ashley did the whole meet the parents thing with Denver's parents and so he'd arrived with everyone else. I couldn't help but feel even more jealous of her given my problems with Hank. Parents meeting each other was a big step in a relationship. Hank had taken off the moment we'd arrived at the station. We were no where near as serious.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked me.

Denver and Michael were playing the Nintendo, and Jaime and Ben were deep in conversation. It bothered me to see Ben talking to Jaime given his previous crush on her. What if he still liked her? She was too damn beautiful. I'd always noticed her beauty, but now I resented it, especially when I knew how the boy who would be my future used to feel about her. I didn't want Ben talking to her, but I couldn't stop it. He was with Claire and I was with Hank. We weren't ready to be together yet. I had to step back and let him talk to whom he wanted. I couldn't be like Melanie, especially since we weren't together yet, and it likely would be a few years still. I had a feeling it was going to take Ben a while to realize how he felt about me. Boys could be clueless about that kind of thing.

"Just Hank, like usual," I told Ashley. It was the half truth. She didn't need to know about Ben yet either. I knew someday I would have to tell her, but not yet. "He's barely written to me over the holidays. I really don't think he is interested anymore like he was. I don't get what happened. I mean, it's not like it was with Melanie and Ben. We were doing so well, but lately he just seems to be interested in looking at other girls."

I didn't know why I was telling her this. She would never understand. I knew looks didn't matter, but it still didn't stop me from wondering why she was so lucky. At times I thought even Jared was starting to like her, and he was picky. What was it about her?

"Do you think maybe he's just been busy?" She asked me.

It was a typical Ashley response, but I could almost see her point too. It was the Christmas holidays. However, I was sure all of us were busy with family or friends, but we all still managed to write to each other. Her and I would could actually exchange letters all day if we wanted to. My owl likely grew tired when we got going.

"Maybe, but he didn't seem interested in me before the holidays either," I answered her. "I just think we're growing apart. I don't know what to do to keep him interested."

"You're not still thinking of you know," she asked in a low voice. I regretted mentioning sex to her. She still worried that I was thinking about it. I was, but I wasn't going to do it. I'd had a talk with my mum shortly after I got home. She told me it was normal for girls my age to think about it, but she hoped I wouldn't act on it for years. She said it was normal for anyone going through puberty and older to wonder about it. Apparently she'd questioned about it at ten-years-old!

"No, of course not. I mainly said that for shock value. The idea of it scares me. You remember how I was feeling those days," I answered her quickly.

The conversation ended there when Ben told us that Michael wanted to play Poker. I was thankful for this. I didn't want to talk about it anymore and Poker would be a good distraction. I felt terrible that I was feeling resentful for the one person who'd always been there for me, but I could admit it was all jealousy. I wanted what she had with Denver.

Was there a way to fix things at Hank for the moment? Was everyone right? Should I just sit down and tell him that I didn't like how he stared at other girls? Even my own other mother told me it wasn't always bad to tell boys your insecurities, but then again, she was divorced, so what did she know?

The next night was the big party of the year. All the muggles believed that the world would end because of the year 2000. I found this funny, but a bit sad at the same time. None of these realized just how close the world came to ending, or at least the world as they knew it. Chances are, a lot of these people would be dead if things had gone on the way they had been with You-Know-Who. It was a good thing though. At least muggles, and even wizards if they believed it could fear a computer glitch over some evil wizard.

I pointed this out to Hank and Jared who both shrugged.

"I'm glad that this is their biggest fear," Jared said. "I know we need to remember the war so that we can try and prevent another one, but we also have to move on. I like seeing everyone be carefree. Mum and dad told me it's a good thing that we can all have petty fights and that we should feel guilty for having them."

Hank didn't really say much about it. He seemed kind of cool towards me, and I didn't understand why. I found myself talking to Stan for a good amount of the evening, and then a bunch of the muggle girls that I had met the year before. I didn't want to worry about Hank that night. I just wanted to let my hair down. Although we weren't supposed to, some of us managed to sneak some alcohol. So much had changed in a year. Last year I hadn't wanted any, but I'd already tried some alcohol by that point. I almost wanted to get drunk instead of just buzzed.

I avoided Ashley most of the night. Once again she had insecure thoughts that no one actually cared about, and I couldn't deal with it, even if she had invited me. Sometimes her moods were contagious, and I just needed a fun night without worrying about her too. She was paranoid about the Hogwarts people finding out about her old life and making fun of her about it. It was so silly because all of the people there, even Jared were on her side. They all suspected that she had no friends before Hogwarts, so they wouldn't care. It must be nice to have that as your own worry. And then I felt guilty once again for having my resentful thoughts about her. She brought the good and the bad out of me.

One of the muggle girls gave me a shot of clear liquid. I believed it was probably vodka, but I didn't know too much about alcohol to really know. I drank it down quickly and kind of choked. I hadn't tried Firewhiskey yet by that point, but if vodka did that, I had to wonder what it'd be like to try Firewhiskey. However, I ended up being distracted. After I took the shot, I spotted Jaime and Hank across from me in lip lock. I dropped the shot glass in shock. I was in denial for a moment that he would dare cheat on me, and then I saw red.

"What do you think you are doing!?" I asked angrily as I walked over. I wasn't someone who believed in violence but at the moment I wanted to slap them both. Forget about hitting them. I wanted to hex them. Thankfully I didn't have my wand because not only would I be expelled but a bunch of muggles would see something they shouldn't. "The only girl you're supposed to be kissing is me! Your girlfriend!"

Jaime instantly looked upset and I had to wonder if she even knew about Hank and me. She had never seen Hank before and we hadn't introduced him as my boyfriend. She probably didn't even know I had one. Ashley might not have mentioned it. So I could forgive her, but I couldn't forgive Hank.

"It was just a dare Ellen," Hank said to me before he grinned at Jaime. He didn't even care! I knew a dare kiss meant nothing, but I also believed both in a relationship should agree to this. I might have been okay with it if I had known beforehand. He should have come over to me to tell me that he had to kiss her on a dare. Instead, he didn't and I felt embarrassed.

"We were playing truth or dare," Jaime told me. I could tell she was genuinely sorry. "But I didn't know he was your boyfriend, Ellen. I am sorry. If I'd know, I wouldn't have let him kiss me."

"It's not you I am angry with," I told her, although I did feel a bit of irritation with her. Not because of the kiss but because every boy wanted her. My future boyfriend and maybe husband had been in love with her the year before, and now my soon to be ex. "I am so sick and tired of this. We're done Hank! You can stare at or kiss any girl you want from now on!"

"Oh come on Ellen! It was a dare!" Hank told me without emotion. "It didn't mean anything. You're the only girl I am interested in."

"Really because lately it doesn't seem like it!" I shouted. "You're always staring at all the pretty girls!"

"Staring isn't a crime Ellen," Hank answered. "I've noticed you staring at other blokes. Don't lie, I know you do."

"But I don't kiss them!" I yelled even louder. "I don't care if it was a dare or not, you could have said no! Denver never stares at any other girl but Ashley. He certainly would never kiss another girl!"

Everyone was staring at us. Someone had turned off the music. I could whisper everything and everyone would hear. It was amazing a room full of people could fall so quiet.

"You're overreacting Ellen," Hank said to me. "If I wanted another girl, I wouldn't be with you. And not everyone is whipped like Denver."

"Hey now mate, that's going too far," Denver said with a frown. "I am not whipped."

"Look, it doesn't matter anymore," I said before some argument between Denver and Hank started. '"We're through Hank!"

I turned to run upstairs. I just wanted to be alone to have a good cry. It was supposed to be a good night. I noticed Ashley following me, and I didn't want to talk to her. I wished Lindsay was there instead.

"Look I want to be left alone for a while," I told her. "We'll talk later. Please, just enjoy your New Years."

I would talk about it with her later, but at the moment, I couldn't talk to someone who had a perfect relationship. Hank had a point. Denver did seem whipped at times. I headed straight to Ashley's room where I hurried to her and threw myself on it. I lay face down with my face on Ashley's pillow. I didn't really get the chance to have a good cry.

"Ellen?" Hank asked as he stepped into the room. "Geez she really went all out with the Hufflepuff theme didn't she?"

Ashley's headboard faced the wall, so I had to get up to turn to look at him. I quickly wiped the tears away. Hank made his way through her cluttered room and over to the bed. There really wasn't much room to walk with the air mattress and her dressers, book shelves and old toy box. I loved the way the room looked now, but at times I felt cluster phobic because there was too much in it for a small bedroom. My bedroom in my apartment was bigger than this. I would never mention that because I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't want her to think that I was judging because I most certainly wasn't. I understood completely because her mum was raising two girls on her own.

"They did that last Easter," I said as I continued to wipe the tears away. "She saw Ben's room and she decided she wanted hers done too. It looks better than it did. She used to have muggle posters on the wall and it was kind of a mess. This is comfortable."

"I just can't believe they can fit so many people in here," Hank said. "It's a nice house, but quite small. Everyone fits though. If it weren't for the fact that it's a muggle house, I would think that they used some kind of charm to make the inside bigger."

I couldn't believe that we were making small talk about Ashley's house when I'd just dumped him. I believed he likely felt awkward or something. I knew I was embarrassed that we'd had a very public break up. I was sure most people were talking about it downstairs. It was loud again. In this house you could almost hear everything. Someone had turned up the music again. Although the window was closed I could hear excited voices coming from outside as well.

"Look Hank I know you came in here to apologize but-" I began but Hank shook his head and then sat down on the edge of Ashley's bed.

"I didn't come in to apologize," he interrupted. "I don't feel I did anything wrong. Ellen, you have been cold to me for so long and then you wrote some bullshit letter about how my gift wasn't acceptable. This relationship was amazing at first but the last could of months have been stressful. All you had to do was talk to me, but you didn't. You and Ben constantly accuse Ashley of being passive aggressive but that's how you have been for most of this relationship Ellen."

"You don't think it's bad to kiss another girl?" I demanded.

"Ellen, you would have done the same thing!" Hank said angrily. "Especially if it was Ben. Don't you think I haven't noticed."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"I'm not spelling it out for you because you know what it means," Hank said.

"I have never done anything with Ben," I said. "You're the only boy I've been with. Ben is with Claire."

"You want him though," Hank accused. "And you can deny it all you want, but I've seen it. Maybe I have looked at other girls, but I am not dead. I am going to notice pretty girls. You notice boys, and you are always watching Ben. When he was with Melanie, you sat watching him when we were supposed to be hanging out. It was frustrating, but I overlooked it. Then you started to have your jealousy issues with me and then getting passive aggressive with me. I wanted to make things work with you because you are a fun girlfriend, but then at Christmas you had to send that nasty letter. Ellen, I don't like asking my parents for money. I earn my own money, and that was all I could afford. You always talk about how it's the thought that counts, but I see you don't believe that."

I sighed. "Fine, I was out of line with the letter and the gift," I replied.

And I knew he was right about that. I hadn't really given it much thought, but he had earned money for me and he'd bought me those earrings. I'd been very shallow and I could admit that. However, while I could admit I was out of line, it still didn't change the fact that he had kissed another girl.

"You should have told me that you were dared to do it," I continued. "Maybe you're right that I should have talked to you. Everyone else has been telling me that, but I've always believed that you don't share your insecurities with boys."

"It depends on the insecurities," Hank told me. "If it's like Ashley's insecurities where she complains about silly things, then yes, we don't want to hear that. When it comes to me doing something you don't like, I have to know."

"It sounds as if you're guilty of the same thing," I answered. "You think I want Ben."

"I know you want Ben," Hank said and then he shrugged. "Maybe this relationship was a learning experience for both of us. I am sorry that I hurt you, but I never intended to and I don't think kissing on a dare is considered cheating. I know you would have done the same thing."

"I would have made sure you knew it was a dare," I answered.

"Then I guess I should have told you that," Hank said. "It was Jaime's boyfriend who dared us to do it. I don't like hurting girls, so I do apologize for that, but everything else I am not sorry for."

I nodded. "Lets just try not to turn out like Ben and Melanie," I told him. "We probably should stay away from each other for a while, but I don't want us to hate each other either."

"Our relationship wasn't like theirs," Hank answered. "I'm sure we'll be fine after the right amount of time."

There was loud shouting downstairs as people began counting down from ten. It was almost the year 2000. The muggles would realize at any moment that the world wouldn't end. I felt sad as everyone shouted: "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

"This would have been when we would have kissed," I told him.

"We still can," Hank said and without hesitation he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back. He pulled away and gave me a small grin. "You still got your New Years kiss, and we're ending on good terms. I'll see you tomorrow Ellen," and without another word, he got up and left the room. He didn't look back.

Moments later, Rachel stepped into the room. I actually wasn't too surprised to see her. I did want to talk to someone, but I still wasn't in the mood to talk to Ashley.

"First break up huh?" Rachel asked as she sat down.

"Yes unfortunately," I answered feeling sad again.

"I think it's time you and me have a little talk," she said. "I see so much of myself in you, and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did, so take notes."

I couldn't help but smile at that. I did think I needed some womanly advice from someone besides my mother. Rachel was in her early twenties and she was beautiful. She would know a lot about boys, so I decided I would take any advice that she had to offer. I was just pleased that she was willing to give it to me.


	4. Moving On

Moving on

For the rest of the holidays, I moped around. My first relationship had ended and although I was relieved, I was still sad too. I was now the only single one in my group of friends and the person I loved was with the wrong girl. I tried my best not to be mopey around Timmy, but sometimes it was hard. Thankfully mum was understanding, and we spent one day just eating chocolate together and talking about boys.

By the time I got back to school, I felt a lot better. Someone had spread the word about the break up though, and boys were noticing me again. As flattering as it was to have all these boys like me, I wasn't ready for anything serious again. I just wanted to be single for a little while and perhaps I could work through the feelings I had for Ben as well. I hated seeing him with Claire, and I hated when he showed Ashley affection. He never showed me as much. Maybe it was because he already knew how he felt about me, and he thought it would be awkward. Either way, I just knew I wasn't ready for another relationship.

My friends thought it was amusing when I pointed out that I was sick of having boys asking me out. Lindsay even actually pulled an Ashley kind of attitude when I brought it up to her.

"Must be nice," she said sarcastically when I complained. "I'd hate to have boys asking me out all the time."

"I'd expect that kind of response from Ashley, not you," I told her. "Don't get me wrong, I am flattered but I just ended my relationship."

"Still," Lindsay said. "I know I am not ugly, but I never get that kind of attention. I haven't been asked out since Slughorn's last party."

"Boys didn't ask me out a lot before Hank and me," I pointed out to her. "It will stop once the novelty wears off that I am single again. It's something I am starting to notice when it comes to break ups. People suddenly want the newly single person. With the exception of Melanie, think of all the people who have broken up and the attention they receive."

Lindsay nodded. "I suppose you're right about that. Girls were lined up for Ben, and then he had to choose Claire."

"It won't last," I said. "Ben won't admit it, but I've seen his eyes straying. A bloke like that can't stay with a girl like Claire for long. She's his rebound."

And I didn't want to admit to my friend, but I'd actually noticed that Ben had been staring at her. I'd instantly felt intense jealousy because I knew how she felt about him. She was beautiful too, so I was surprised that boys weren't paying her any attention. They were just likely shy around her. She was also going to be tall. She was going to be one of those leggy blond girls. I was slowly starting to hate tall girls, but I hated the blonds the most because it was my hair colour too, but often boys liked the girls with the long legs. I was accepting that I would always be short.

"I just remember how shallow he was last year about Ashley," Lindsay said. "It's hard to believe that he could change so quickly, especially since Claire is uglier than Ashley. At times I think he might actually want Ashley now."

"There is no way he'd ever want Ashley," I said quickly.

"You never know," Lindsay said. "Her looks improved and those two are close. Ever since she fixed her eyebrows and she's been taking of her appearance, she hasn't looked as bad. She isn't beautiful, but she's definitely not as bad looking as last year. Other boys want her too. Ted has a massive crush on her you know."

"For some reason a lot of boys are noticing her," I said not meaning to sound as bitter I did.

It wasn't that I didn't want her to be happy. I was glad that she was happy, and I was happy to see those insecurities slowly go away. I was glad that she wasn't that whiny girl she used to be. However, I talked to plenty of people outside of my friends and some boys would talk about her to me. I was prettier than Ashley and I knew looks weren't everything, but generally the boys always picked the prettier girl. So why did some boys tell me that they thought she was attractive. They were supposed to be focused on me more than her.

I didn't like to admit it either, and I hated it when people point this out to me but I didn't think the less pretty girl should win. I could understand if the girl had an attitude like Melanie's or Tara's, that was the one exception. However, I felt that my personality was better than Ashley's. I was confident, outgoing, and I was fun to be around. I very rarely complained about my insecurities. So why was it that she the less pretty girl had boys who liked her better than me?

I'd decided to pick up an the attitude that some of the others had when it came to snogging. Instead of getting into a serious relationship, I decided just to snog some of the boys who wanted me, including Jared. Jared was supposed to be one of the pickiest boys in the second year, and even if we were just snogging, it was supposed to just be he was putting his attention on for that moment. However, it always went back to Ashley. How was it that someone who had once hated her almost seemed as if he wanted her now too? Jared should have wanted me over her.

Lindsay noticed my tone. "What is that tone about? It's a good thing boys notice her now."

"But some notice her more than me," I answered and Lindsay snorted.

"I have my doubts about that Ellen," she answered. "Just because boys notice her, it doesn't mean they don't notice you. It should be enough proof that plenty are asking you out for Slughorn's party. You're not the only girl they are going to notice. You're my friend, but sometimes I don't understand you," she added the last bit with amusement.

It wasn't that hard to understand. Of course other boys would notice her or other girls, but I was the prettiest girl. Rachel had sat down and explained this to me. I'd been realizing for a while that I was competitive, but it wasn't until I'd talk to my mum and then Rachel that I knew just how competitive I was. The thing was, I also knew I was right. As much as I was aware that looks weren't everything, you had to have a good personality to keep boys, it was always the prettiest who won. Even if it was at first. Many of the boys couldn't stand Tara, but she was beautiful and at first they would choose her over Ashley. That was the way things worked, especially at our ages.

I didn't see the point in getting into it with her though. I did think at first that she understood me. She had during the Christmas break, but perhaps she didn't get it as much as I originally thought she had. I was going to have to remember what Rachel had told me because she understood how I felt, but she'd also told me I couldn't make other girls feel bad either. I had to be the nice kind of competitive girl, not the mean type like Tara.

Unfortunately, as I started to get happier, I noticed that Ashley was getting gloomy. I didn't know what it was that bothered her, and I didn't ask. I figured it would be over something silly like at New Years. It might have sounded bad, but I didn't want to be around her when she was like that. I needed happiness in my life, not sadness. Generally I would put my friend first, but this was the one time I couldn't do it for her. So I started to avoid her in favour of happier people.

"You seem quite happy for a girl who went through a break up," Ben said to me one day before we were supposed to go down to Quidditch practice. "Usually girls mope around for a while afterwards."

"I was depressed at home," I told him. "But Hank and I were never going to last," I continued. "I'm glad we broke up. We had fun in the beginning but his eyes strayed too much."

"You noticed other blokes when you were with him," he answered.

Why did everyone have to always bring that up? That wasn't the point at all. I was never obvious about it.

"But I didn't sit there with Ashley and point them out right in front of him. I know that Hank wasn't blind in our relationship." I answered with some frustration. "I know he'll notice pretty girls, especially some of those french girls. I just didn't want him to announce every pretty girl he saw. That's what bugged me about it. You're lucky with Claire, she doesn't seem to notice when you do it,"

"What do you mean when I do it?" He asked me and worry appeared on his face as he glanced at me. Why was he worried about it? I wasn't going to tell Claire about it.

"You and Michael were so obvious when the other schools first came, but even now you stare at girls. The other night in the library you couldn't take your eyes off of Lindsay," I explained. Perhaps he didn't notice how much he did it. He even stared at Ashley at times, he had been moments ago. When it came to that though, it was probably just because of how close they were. He likely stared at me all the time too. I hadn't caught him at it yet, but I was sure he did it. One day he was going to realize how he felt about me. Since he didn't realize how much he stared at other girls, he probably didn't realize it with me either. I couldn't blame him for looking at other girls when he was dating a girl like Claire. "I mean, no offence to Claire. I like her and she seems like a nice girl but Ben when it comes right down to it, you can do better. I'm sure she knows that, so I am surprised she doesn't get jealous when you look at prettier girls. I mean, I felt so insecure with Hank but Claire isn't with you."

I hoped the last bit didn't offend him. People didn't like it when you insulted their significant others or their crushes. He had been defensive about Jaime after all. He seemed to enjoy Claire's company, so likely he did feel a bit of annoyance with me.

"Probably because you think blokes should only have their focus on you," Ben answered.

I couldn't help but notice he didn't stick up for Claire, but I was also angry. People kept bringing that up. I didn't think that boys should only notice me, I just knew that they should always pick the prettier girl. Why was that so hard for people to understand when they all knew it was true?

"No I don't," I replied.

"You do so Ellen, and you know it," Ben argued. "You hate it when another girl is prettier than you. You want to be the center of attention."

"Everyone keeps saying that," I said with irritation. "Rachel, Ashley and Claire."

Lindsay had basically said it as well, but I decided not to mention it.

"Because we all see it," Ben said. "You have to be careful about that the next time you get a boyfriend. You don't want to pull a Melanie. I know you notice other guys."

"Maybe I do have a competitive edge to me," I admitted with annoyance, "but Hank wasn't completely innocent in it all. Come on, lets just go to Quidditch Practice before Ashley comes over here."

She was at the notice board. I didn't think she had even noticed we were there. She had just entered the common room about five minutes ago and she'd gone straight over to it. I didn't know what it was she was looking for, but I hoped she would keep looking and we could sneak off. I didn't feel like dealing with her depression at the moment.

"Why are you avoiding her?" Ben asked standing up.

"She seems depressed lately, and I am in a good mood lately. I am past the breakup and I feel great. Don't get me wrong, she's a great friend but sometimes her depressed moods can be contagious. She's a lot better than she was last year, but I just don't feel like being around a depressed person at the moment," I explained.

Ben nodded and we headed to the barrel top door that would take us out of the common room. Thankfully she was so intent on whatever she was looking for, she didn't notice as we crept by. As soon as we were in the corridors, I decided to tell Ben about the latest Quidditch strategy I'd read up about. A small smile appeared on his face. He always smiled when I talked about Quidditch and it was why I was convinced he was secretly in love with me. I think he enjoyed my love for Quidditch. It was the only thing that the two of us shared.

Later on, I couldn't help but fall into a fantasy of the two of us bringing in a win for Quidditch and then celebrating by snogging. I could imagine us in the seventh year being the class couple and being the two best Quidditch players. Everyone would be jealous of us like they were jealous of Ashley and Denver at the moment, and all the younger students would look up to us. People would compare us to Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley.

I heard that a few years ago when Ginny had won the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor, Harry had kissed her right in front of everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room. He'd had a detention or something, so he hadn't been able to play the final game, so Ginny had taken his place and she'd won. I'd heard that was the moment when Harry had realized he loved her, and so he had kissed her. I could see the same thing happening with Ben and me. I would bring us the first win we'd had in likely thirty years and Ben would be so impressed, he realized how much he loved me, and he would kiss me. Everyone would cheer and eventually we'd get engaged.

Unfortunately, all of that was still far off. Ben was still with Claire, and we were only twelve. And as much as I hoped for a win that year, I didn't think it would happen. Gryffindor was in the lead once again. When I really gave it a lot thought though, I didn't want to be with Ben at that moment anyway. Well, I did, but we were too young. Everyone knew that relationships didn't last at twelve or thirteen. If it did, it was very rare. It would be better for us to wait until we were at least fifth years, maybe even sixth years at least. By that point, perhaps we could even lose our virginities together. Sex was on my mind, but I knew I wasn't ready. Mum had said I should wait until I was at least sixteen anyway. So if Ben and I waited to date until sixth year, we could wait until then to shag as well. For the time being, we could get dating out of our system until we settled down.

Knowing all this made it much easier for me to accept that Ben was with Claire, and that he was affectionate with Ashley. I also knew that she was a good enough friend to step back and let Ben and me grow close. I was sure she even knew that someday we'd end up together. She knew Ben considered her as a best friend and knowing that she wouldn't want to stand in the way of him getting with the love of his life. I was also her best friend, and she would want me to be happy. So while it did hurt, I could accept it because three or four years from now, Ben and me would be together. In the meantime, I would enjoy singlehood until I found a boy who I could date to pass the time with over the years.

Although at first Michael, Ben and me tried to ignore Ashley's depression, after a while, we realized we couldn't. In the times that she had fallen gloomy, it had never been this bad. Michael spent the majority of time with Anne anyway, but even he had noticed it. In fact, I'd barely talked to him since we'd come back. If anyone acted like a married couple, it was the two of them. He hadn't even really asked me if I was okay, let alone Ashley. However, it was hard not to notice her, especially since I was suspecting there might be some weight loss as well.

"Why are you so gloomy lately?" I asked her one day.

"I am just tired," she answered me. "Don't worry about me. You should be focusing on yourself. You just went through your first break up."

"I'm better than I was," I told her. "And it's been a month. I'm fine now. I am mainly relieved. I haven't felt stressed for a long time... but I have been worried about you. Don't think I haven't noticed. I just didn't say anything at first because of my break up. I was being selfish because I didn't want to be around anyone sad. I wanted to focus on my own happiness."

"You weren't being selfish Ellen," Ashley told me. "It's what you should be doing. Don't worry about me. I am fine. The last thing you need to do is worry about me."

"You were there for me when it came to Hank, even when I lashed out at you," I pointed out.

"I'm fine Ellen," she insisted.

But I knew she wasn't. She was doing her best to not be that whiny girl she used to be, but she was going too far in the opposite direction. We'd all made a pact that we'd be honest with each other from now on. I could tell she was going to be stubborn about this though. So I decided I would keep an eye on her. If I noticed anymore weight loss or sadness, I was going to force it out of her. I'd put her in the body-bind until she agreed to talk if I had to.

So much was going on that I wasn't even paying attention to what was going on with Tri-wizard tournament. At times I even forgot it was going on. I didn't join in with the others to discuss what the second task would be. I didn't try to get any of the older students attention. I didn't try and sneak over to get a better look at where the Durmstrang or Bauxbatons students slept. I simply didn't care. The rest of the school buzzed about it, but I didn't.

I mentioned this to Michael who gave a small shrug.

"Honestly, I haven't really either. It's surprising because I was excited about it in the summer. I've had other things to focus on. I hope for a Hogwarts win, but I haven't really been paying attention. I'll be there for task whenever that is supposed to be. I think it's more exciting for the older students because it involves them more than us," he answered.

"I'm just glad they didn't cancel Quidditch this time," I said. "Last time they didn't have Quidditch."

"Same here, I actually care more about the matches than the Tournament. I think it's because you and Ben are on the team, and game days are always fun," Michael said. "Anyway Ellen, I am thinking we should have some Poker tournaments tonight. Everyone loves the Poker games. Do you want to play?"

"Sure, I'd like to try and win for once," I answered.

"Good, I am going to see if more people are interested," Michael said.

"I'm sure they will be," I told him. "At least the second years will, but even the older students have been getting into it. I'm sure I have some Galleons if we are playing for a Galleon again. I'll go check."

"See if Ashley wants to play too if you see her," he said.

"If I see her," I answered.

I didn't actually have to look hard for her later on, and what I found worried me. I went down to my trunk to see if I had some Galleons left. I was sure I did. I usually kept some money in a little wallet my dad had given me years ago in my trunk. I doubted anyone would steal from me, but I still kept it at the very bottom of my trunk under what looked like useless trunk garbage. As I looked through it, I thought I heard some sniffling. Once I found a couple Galleons, I put everything away and looked around for the source of it.

I hadn't noticed Ashley in her bed when I'd come in. She was laying on her side with back to me all curled up. She sniffled a couple more times and I wondered if she was either sick or crying.

"Ashley?" I asked and she didn't answer. "Are you okay?" When she didn't respond still, I wondered if maybe she was sleeping. Perhaps she had a cold and she was sniffling in her sleep. I wasn't sure if I should approach or not. I hesitated a moment. "Well, if you're awake, I just wanted to let you know that Michael wants to play poker later. So if you're up for it, you should come up and play with us," I stood watching her for a moment, but she still didn't respond.

I decided to leave her for now. I could check up on her later. I hurried back up the tunnels and into the common room. I found Ben and hurried over to him. I knew how worried he'd been about her once we realized it had to be more than some petty insecurity. He'd also been noticing some weight loss from her and apparently Jared had too.

"Ashley is just laying in her bed. Maybe she is sick, I don't know. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't talk to me," I told Ben when I reached him.

Ben instantly looked worried.

"Has she been there for a long time?" He asked me.

"I don't know," I answered. "I went down to our dorms to grab some galleons. Michael was talking about a poker game later tonight. I want to see if I can actually stay in longer this time. I told her that we were probably going to play soon, and she didn't respond. I think maybe she was even crying."

We saw Michael and Jared across from us and began making our way over to them as we talked. Perhaps they would know something. Michael likely wouldn't, but Jared talked to Ashley quite a bit. They looked as if they were arguing about something, and I wondered what it was this time. Back in the day, Jared used to stick up for Michael no matter what but since the fight, he no longer would. He now called Michael out on his bullshit, and this would infuriate the boy and the two would argue. I'd asked Jared why he had put up with it for so long before.

"Likely the same reason you used to," Jared had answered.

"Except for the time leading up to the fight, Michael was never that over the top with us. It's usually you and the others he gets like that," I'd answered him. "And normally you'll call people out. You usually don't like to tolerate things like that."

"Because I understand Michael," Jared had responded. "He's different than most people, but after what happened with your fight, I got sick of it because it affected me too, and yes I am aware of my own involvement, but still. Michael needs to learn I am not tolerating it anymore, and I know he doesn't want to lose our friendship, so he stops when I tell him off."

So at the moment I imagined Michael had once again said something stupid, and Jared was likely telling him to knock it off.

Ben didn't answer as we approached them.

"Do you think she is just sick?" I asked Ben. Why wasn't he answering? Normally with her he did. I was surprised he wasn't trying to break down the barrel top door to the girls dorm to get down there. I had to wonder what would happen if he tried. When boys tried to get into the girls dorms something usually happened.

"Who?" Jared asked looking up. Michael shot him a look of annoyance and then looked at me. I thought at times he still wanted me even though he was with Anne. I had to wonder if that was why he spent so much time with her. I knew people spent a lot of time with their boyfriends or girlfriends but at times it was like Michael avoided us.

"Ashley," I answered. "I just went down to check up on her. She's just lying in her bed all curled up. I tried to talk to her, but I don't even think she heard me. It's just strange. I thought maybe she was crying but I couldn't tell."

Jared looked worried for a moment before his face changed back to neutral, but I noticed Michael didn't seem to care at all. Even though he'd apologized to Ashley, and he was friendly with her, I thought he still had resentment for her. At times I wondered if he'd only talked to her so that he'd be friends with Ben and me again. He was a lot better than he used to be, but he had his moments with her. However, she didn't let him treat her the way he had before, and a few times she would call him out too. He always backed down and apologized. The worse was when he was drunk, and that almost every weekend it seemed now.

"She was with Denver earlier. They were in the library," Jared told me with a small shrug. He was trying to pretend that he didn't care that much, but we all knew he did. I did it find it funny that he'd been in the library on a Friday. He usually avoided homework until Sundays. So I had to wonder what he was doing in there.

"You were in the library on a Friday?" I asked smiling at him.

"I had to find a book," he answered shrugging again. "Anyway, maybe she is just tired. Leave her alone."

I wasn't so sure if that was the case and they boys were no help. They all just wanted to let loose because it was Friday. I couldn't say I blamed them either. Ben and I glanced at each other with sorry, but we didn't say anything else. We seemed to be in silent agreement to just hang out for the night. I decided if she was acting strange still the next day we'd say something to her. For the time being, I actually was looking forward to a poker game. So that's what I was going to think about. I wanted to win or at least stay in the game for a while. I was always one of the first people to be taken out.

"Let's see if Perenge can actually stay in the game this time," Stan joked and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"I'll beat you," I challenged him.

"It's a bet then," he said.

Of course it didn't work that way. I was taken out by Hank quickly. I was going to have accept the fact that I was just a bad poker player. I never bet high either. I always ended up going out because of the blinds. I would end up with what I thought was a good hand, but someone would have a better hand. Although Hank and I got along well, I knew he still seemed to have some resentment for me and I thought I saw satisfaction in his eyes.

"What's wrong with Ashley?" Melanie asked me as I sat beside her. "I notice she is in bed."

"Maybe she is just sick or something," I answered. "I notice you two are talking again. I take it you've realized it wasn't her fault."

"I accepted it," she told me. "I shouldn't have been so intense. I guess I am just a jealous person. I'll have to work on that before my next relationship. I'm sorry about you and Hank."

I shrugged. I was better than I was and I was slowly considering getting into a new relationship. Snogging random boys was fun but I missed having a boyfriend. Lindsay had recently told me that she'd be on the look out for boys who wanted a relationship with me, and not just to snog a pretty girl. She said she thought she knew of a third year in her house who was decent enough.

"I'm over him," I told her.

"I'm surprised Ashley and Denver are still together. I expect they won't be together much longer either," Melanie said.

"Why do you think that?" I asked. Maybe she knew something we didn't. She and Ashley were talking again and perhaps Ashley had confessed something to her. It annoyed me if she had. It should have been Ben or me she'd talked to, not the girl who had been a bitch a few months back. I wasn't sure how I felt about her at the moment. She'd been so miserable to all of us until a few weeks ago. She'd started to be friendly again and she'd even given me some photos she taken of Hank and me.

Melanie liked to take different pictures of people having fun. She was very skilled with the camera because she'd taken a photography class over the summer. She'd gotten the idea from the scrapbooks we were making. Last year it had been the three ditzes from Hufflepuff who took the pictures, but she had taken over and they had stopped once they'd seen how good she was. Usually she charged people a sickle for a photo. She'd given mine to me for free because we'd broken up, but she figured I'd want them for my scrapbook and she was right. We were broken up, but I did want to remember moments in my second year. So I'd added them.

"They're thirteen," was all she said and then she got up and walked off. It seemed odd to be talking to her again.

Shortly after our talk, I went up to bed. Ashley's curtains were closed by that point and I decided to just let her be. I would check up on her the next morning.

It turned out that Denver had dumped Ashley, and it was all because of Melanie. It angered me so much, especially when I thought about her conversation with me. She'd likely already known he'd dumped her when we were talking.

Someone had been sending Denver pictures since we'd returned to school of Ashley and different boys. None of the pictures even showed anything bad. All it showed was that she was sitting beside a different boy and laughing. Whoever had taken the photos was good with a camera, and I instantly knew who it was once Ashley told me about the pictures. Melanie was the only one who was that good with taking pictures, and she was the only one who would do it anyway. She'd pretended to befriend Ashley, but it had been lie. It had been a lie for all of us.

It made me angry as well that Denver would even believe that something was going on. I thought that him of all people would trust her. The pictures proved nothing. From what the others believed, it was the photo of Ashley and Ben that had set him off. It had appeared rather intimate, but it was ridiculous. People joked around that Ashley and Ben would end up together, but no one would ever believe they would. She wasn't Ben's type first of all, and secondly, they all knew what his attitude had been like the year before with her. Most people including Denver knew that he'd laughed at her a year ago when she thought he'd be taking her to the Valentine's party. So I just believed Denver was more jealous than he'd let on, and he'd been upset with the pictures and decided that even though Ben was her best friend, they still shouldn't be close. He felt that her boyfriend should be close, not her best mate.

I also believed that when Melanie took that photo of Ben it was to break him and Claire up as well. As bad as it sounded, in a way I hoped it did. Ben could do so much better than her. However, I would never admit to that. I wasn't his girlfriend yet. I had to be his friend first, so I had to warn him. Relationships needed honesty and keeping that from him and letting her dump him would be unforgivable. I had to keep remembering what Rachel had told me.

In the meantime, we tried to get Ashley to come up to the common room, but she wouldn't. Ben was the one who got on my case the most to bring her up and he was getting upset that he couldn't get down to her. She refused to come up and at first Michael and me convinced Ben to wait until Sunday, but even then she wouldn't come up. I left her sandwiches to at least eat, and they were always gone when I checked up on her, but I didn't know for sure if she was actually eating them. She could have been tossing them for all I knew.

All of us Hufflepuff's (except Melanie of course) decided to stick with her when she did come up. We knew that people would probably bother her, so we decided to them not to. Us girls took care of most of the girls and the boys took care of the boys. We'd also decided to spread around what Melanie had done to break them up, and I honestly believed that was the reason for why people decided to leave her alone. Even girls like Tara were disgusted with Melanie, and Tara was capable of drugging Ben with a love potion. We could all threaten them all we wanted, but if people truly wanted to laugh at Ashley, they would. However, none seemed to want to just because what Melanie had done was so low.

By Monday I felt things were getting ridiculous however. Yes a breakup was sad, but did she really need to spend that much time in bed? I didn't want to admit it to anyone, but I felt that it was getting over the top. I could understand why she had wanted the weekend, but she needed to get out of bed. She needed to get to classes and move on.

"This is being over dramatic," Michael said to me with irritation. "I mean, I'd be devastated if Anne and me broke up but I'd move on after a couple of days. Why is she always such a drama queen?"

"For once I agree with you," I said to him. "I know she loved him, but I thought I loved Hank. I understand wanting to be alone. I was mopey after the break up, but I still played with Timmy and I got out of bed and did things. It was hard, but I did it."

Our teachers questioned us about where she was, and we all lied to say she was sick. I considered mentioning that she had her period and it was worse than usual. Ben had given me that idea. He'd asked me before we'd found out that Denver had broken up with her if it could be that. It had been so cute because he'd gotten all awkward and embarrassed about it. He'd called it her thing. I couldn't help but laugh at how embarrassed he'd been. After my first one, I'd mentioned to Hank about my second one and he'd actually run off. Why did boys get so embarrassed over it when it was something that happened to girls?

This went on until Wednesday when Professor Sprout approached the Hufflepuff table. I knew right away what it was about as her eyes fell on the three of us who were sitting together.

"I would like to know what's really going on with ," she said to us. "She hasn't been in any of my classes, and her other teachers have reported that she hasn't been to their classes either."

"She's just been sick," I answered quickly. "I told you-"

"I've heard differently," Professor Sprout stated. "We teachers usually hear rumours as well. I would like for you to bring her up to see me. I want her in the hospital wing to be checked over. I haven't seen her at any meals lately, I am assuming she hasn't eaten," she added at each of the three of us.

"I have brought her sandwiches," I told her. "I don't know if she's eaten them."

"Well I'd like for the girls to bring her to see me," Professor Sprout repeated.

I moved feeling uncomfortable. We couldn't get her to come up, so I didn't know how Professor Sprout expected us to get her to. Was she in trouble? I felt worried for my friend. She'd missed two days of classes so far.

"She won't come up," I answered. "I've tried getting her out of bed. She won't get out of bed."

"We can try though," Sarah said to me.

"We'll help as well," Jared spoke up. "The more people, the better."

I saw everyone else nodding, except Melanie of course who was sitting apart from us.

"No, all of the boys with the exception of Mr. Henson and Mr. Hoofer go to class. The girls can help bring Ashley to the Hospital Wing, but then I would like for the rest of you except Ms. Perenge to go to class. The three of you may stick around with your friend at first, but then you must go to class."

"We're her friends too," Jared insisted to Professor Sprout as he looked around at the rest of the boys.

"And you can show her that you are by being there for her later," Professor Sprout told him. "I don't need every second year Hufflepuff. I just want enough girls because I know she can be stubborn, and I also know that the three of you are her best friends," she added the last bit to Ben, Michael and me.

"She's not in trouble is she?" Stan asked. "She doesn't need detention right now Professor."

"She isn't in trouble," Professor Sprout told him. "I'm more concerned about her well being at the moment. So please go to class and you can see your friend at lunch. If all of you could do me a favour and make sure that she is at every meal from now on, I'd appreciate it. I plan to tell her that, but I expect she'll listen to her friends more."

All of the boys and Melanie got up to go to class. I noticed Melanie wore a small smirk on her face and I wanted to hex her. It was all because of her that this had happened. I knew she'd been having a hard time because people had been yelling at her lately, but she still found it to be funny. Even Tara of all people had told Melanie off, and that was saying something. I had walked in on it and the bathroom. Neither girl noticed me, so I was able to quickly step into a stall. I didn't the door, but I stood on the toilet.

"You are such a pathetic and psycho bitch!" Tara had said to her. "How could you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care?" Melanie had asked her. "You hate Ashley. Lydia wants Denver, so you should be glad that I did it. I heard you kissed Denver anyway. You're not one to talk."

I hadn't known that Tara had kissed Denver. I wondered how Ashley would feel knowing that. I wondered how Denver could have even let that happen.

"I was just testing him to see if he was as loyal as he claimed to be," Tara had said. "I didn't intentionally try to break them up. Ashley knew that it was me who kissed him anyway and not the other way around."

"And you think that is any better?" Melanie had asked. "Tara, get off your high horse. You're always going for boys with girlfriends."

"No, what you did was low. The thing with me is that I know the boys won't leave the girls for me, and if they do, I am actually doing the girl a favour. Those boys obviously didn't like their girlfriends in the first place. I just do it to test the boys, but I actually have no interest in anyone except Ben," she had answered.

I gritted my teeth angrily when I heard her mention Ben. I hated when any girl wanted him but it bothered me the most that Tara did.

"You like to cause drama, that isn't any better," Melanie had stated.

"Melanie, you took a bunch of pictures of Ashley beside random boys and you sent them to Denver. You were trying to make it look as if she was cheating-"

"So do you!" Melanie had said back. "You try to make boys look like they're cheating so they'll fight with their girlfriends. Tara, just shut the hell up! You are no better than anybody so just stop. You just don't like me because Ben dated me. That's why you're joining Ashley's fan club. It's not about her at all. You don't care. You hate her."

"I don't hate Ashley," Tara had answered and I had nearly gasped in shock. "I just find her to be too be weak, but I don't hate her. She's just easy to make fun of. I kissed Denver just to see what he would do, but I hadn't intended for her to see. I have to admit I thought it was funny when I found out she did see, but I wasn't trying to make her see it. I just had my doubts that a boy like him could be loyal to a girl like her. I was wrong. I would never do anything like this to her. I wouldn't even do this to Ellen, and I hate that blond little bitch," by that point I almost wanted to confront her, but I had to stay where I was. "Melanie, you took the time and effort to make a girl look like she was cheating, just to get revenge on her. You still blame Ashley for your break up, but it was all your fault. You were a psycho girlfriend, and you are now a psycho ex-girlfriend. And as pathetic as I think it is that Ashley spent the last few days in bed over it, I'd better not find out that you are making fun of her over it."

Tara had actually threatened Melanie!

"And if I do?" Melanie had asked not sounding the least bit intimidated.

"Well let's just say Hufflepuff's aren't the only ones who stick together. Ravenclaw's do too, but Ravenclaw girls can be brutal," Tara had said.

"You're still not explaining why you care so much. Even if you don't hate her. Why are you on her side over this?" Melanie had asked.

"Because I just am," Tara had answered. "I would be doing the same for Ellen or even god forbid it if Maisie got in a relationship."

"Tara, you are a fake. You care more than you pretend you do," Melanie had replied. "That's why you're sticking up for her. All the bitchy mean things that you do is to impress or intimidate people."

"Melanie, don't even try to understand me," Tara had answered back. "It will hurt your head."

It had hurt my head even thinking about it. All this time I believed Tara was just this big bitch, but she was a lot more complex than I'd realized. I was never going to tell people what I'd heard, but that had to mean that Tara cared about Ashley. If she didn't, why else would she have threatened Melanie? Us Hufflepuff girls had gone to threaten Tara about it, but she obviously had no desire to say a word about it anyway.

I almost did want to tell Ashley this when we finally managed to get her out of bed, but I didn't. She looked horrible and she needed some desire to come back to the real world. If she knew that even her enemies were on her side, she'd be out of bed a lot quicker. It actually wasn't hard to convince her when all the Hufflepuff girls were there though. We managed to get her up and into the shower. She was too thin however. She'd been losing weight before, but now it was even worse. All of us stuck together to make sure she was properly groomed and you could see it. Even with her wearing makeup she still had dark shadows under her eyes.

We all had to surround her as we took her up the common room. It was obvious she had no energy and I had to wonder if we'd be able to get her up the Hospital Wing. There were so many flights up stairs. It might almost be better if we levitated her or if someone stronger carried her.

In the common room we were met by Ben and Michael. Ben instantly moved forward to hug her. I hated the look he gave her because it almost looked like love to me. Of course I knew he had love for a friend, I loved my friends too. However, his didn't seem like love for a friend but something more. I told myself it was because he loved her and he worried about her, and that was why the look he'd given her looked so intimate.

"You're too thin," he told her after he hugged her. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Friday," she answered.

"Come on, I am going to give you a piggy back then," he said to her. "I can't imagine you have much energy. Why would you put yourself through that? I can't believe you wouldn't come up. You know that we're your friends. We're here for you no matter what."

At first I felt the jealousy but then I realized he didn't have much choice. It was better for someone to carry her because she was too weak. When we were having fun in the grounds, Ben had taken it in turns to carry each of us on his back. So I didn't know why at the moment I felt jealous at the moment. Perhaps it was because of the way he was still looking at her. I didn't like it at all.

"I wanted to be alone," she muttered to Ben to answer his question about why she'd avoided us for so long.

I tried my best not to think about the looks he was giving her. Instead, I decided to start filling her in on what had happened during the days she'd hidden away, and the rest of the girls joined in. We did that all the way to the Hospital Wing. When we got there, Ben set her on her feet, and wobbled a little as if she were about to fall. I reached out to grab her arm, but she managed to steady herself. I had to wonder just how much weight she had lost and how much she weighed now. She likely weighed less than I did and I was shorter than her.

The rest of the girls took off, but Ben Michael and me surrounded her. I hated the way that Ben was still looking at her. Why was he looking at her that much? We were allowed to stay with her while Madame Pomfrey checked her over. The patron was clearly angry with her for letting herself go like this. She was muttering under her breath one moment, and then telling Ashley off the next moment.

When Professor Sprout appeared, she gave Ashley some breakfast who had just finished drinking a potion that was supposed to replenish her nutrients. She dismissed us to go to class even though I knew the boys didn't want to go to class. All of us wanted to spend the day with her.

"I'm going to go tell Denver off," Ben said to us the moment we left the Hospital Wing. "I don't care if Melanie was behind it. He should have known that Ashley wouldn't do anything with all those boys."

"I don't think it was the other blokes that bothered him," Michael told him. "I think it was Melanie all over again. Remember how jealous she got about you and Ashley? Denver is jealous of you and Ashley."

"I doubt it," I spoke up quickly. There was no way that Denver was jealous of that. Melanie was a fluke when it came to that, but no one else would believe that. Melanie just hated that Ben considered Ashley as his best friend. Denver did not believe that Ashley would end up with Ben someday. Everyone believed it would be me because we all knew it was inevitable. "It had to be all those pictures. Melanie is just psycho but no one would believe that Ashley and Ben would end up together."

"Well they say it's going to happen all the time," Ben said turning to me and I wondered why he seemed defensive. Shouldn't he be upset? This time last year he'd be angry that someone would even suggest it. "So that could be the case."

"It's not," I insisted and I hated the fact that he could even consider it. "Denver knows you two are best friends. He's not going to take that picture out of context. He was just angry about the rest of the photos."

"But why show Claire that picture?" Ben asked and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes at this. Ben was supposed to be the smart one.

"Ben, you know that when people are angry they overreact," I answered. "No offence Michael," I said as I looked at Michael quickly, "but look at the way Michael reacted when he was angry last year."

"Or you," Michael added with some annoyance. "You weren't any better Ellen."

How could he throw that in my face? He was missing the point completely. This was about Denver and Ashley, and not about me.

"The point is," I said glaring at him before I turned to Ben again, "is that people do stupid things when they're angry. Denver had all that time to brood about those photos. Denver, and no one else for that matter would ever believe that about you and Ashley. They bring it up as a joke because she's a female friend, but they don't actually believe you two would date."

Ben had to know this. People would think (and they did) that he would date Tara before Ashley. They were best friends, and they likely always would be, but everyone knew it wasn't likely to happen. Every single person had bets that Ben and me would be together eventually. I'd heard about the bets. They also had bets that there would be a love triangle with us. I could see that too, and I did worry now about Ashley getting hurt in this. If she reacted this way to Denver, how would she react if she did fall for Ben and then the two of us dated? I really hoped it wouldn't come to that, but it could. That was the unfortunate part when it came to being friends with the opposite gender.

"You never know what could happen in the future," Ben replied still sounding defensive.

Now I was angry. Why was he trying to hurt me? Even he had to know what was going to happen eventually. He might not have realized his feelings for me yet, but deep down he had to know something would happen. I didn't want to hear him say there was a chance for him and Ashley in the future.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded a bit more furiously than I meant to, but he was upsetting me.

"It just means that Barry used to say he'd never date Tasha, but now they're together," Ben replied. "Who knows what could or couldn't happen in the future. I just think Michael could be right about Denver. Melanie thought it, and it was the picture of Ashley and me that set him off. We might as well try and get all the facts from this so we can help our friend. At the moment, it's Ashley that matters because she's heartbroken."

"I notice you didn't care this much when Hank and me broke up," I retorted.

And he hadn't. He hadn't given me the loving looks he was giving her. He didn't tell off Hank. He had even defended Hank! Now he wanted to tell off Denver and he was even trying to say it could happen between him and Ashley when we all knew it wasn't likely. It was just the three of us, so why put on a show?

"I wrote you almost everyday," Ben said and for some reason he looked angry.

It was true he did write me to see how I was doing, but this was different. He was being more protective of her than he had when it came to me. I knew he considered her his best friend, but I was his future girlfriend.

"Look, let's just try and get Ashley through this," Ben continued still angry. Maybe he was upset that I hadn't shown enough appreciation or something. Why else would he be upset? "I get the feeling she is going to be vulnerable for the next few months. You know how she can be."

"I'll do what I can," Michael said, "but I don't want to abandon Anne either."

"I'm not saying we abandon Anne or Claire but I'm saying we be there for her too," Ben answered.

"Ashley is stronger than you think," I said. "I don't think it will take months. She'll probably get better in a couple of weeks."

I wasn't so sure of that. I hoped I was right, but I did know Ben was right. We needed to be there for her. I also needed to make things right with Ben. He must have thought I was ungrateful or something. So later on when Michael went off with Anne in History of Magic, I decided to write a quick note to Ben.

I'm sorry if I seemed ungrateful about you writing to me everyday. I should have been more thankful. If that's the reason why you were so defensive about Ashley, I apologize. I did appreciate it.

I pushed the note over to Ben. He glanced at it. He looked irritated again, but he scrawled back quickly to me.

Ellen, I knew you were grateful about it. It's you who is being way too defensive about this. Stop with the jealousy. It's not Ashley over you. It's helping a friend through a break up just like we helped you.

I read through the letter quickly. He was right of course. I was being too defensive. It was that competitive edge again. I had to relax. I gave Ben a small nod and then began taking notes again. I wished Ashley was here so I could get notes from her. She had a Quick Quotes Quill and it took down everything. I hated taking notes and Ben didn't like to share if I refused. I sighed. I hated it when Ben was angry with me.

Ashley slowly came back to reality after that day, which was good. I wanted to be there for her, but Lindsay had also told a third year boy from her house to ask me out. His name was Greg, and something about him reminded me so much of Ben that I instantly liked him. Even his looks were almost similar. They both had the same hair colour and style, and they were even about the same height. Greg just wasn't as intense about homework so that was a bonus. I liked spending the time getting to know him, and I worried that my friend would need be there for her instead.

I actually kept him a secret at first, but after a while I told my friends about him. I didn't tell them how long we'd been together. Ashley even guessed right after we came back, and I didn't correct her. She and Michael and Ben for that matter didn't need to know that the real reason why I'd disappeared a lot was because I'd been snogging random boys. All they needed to know what that I had a new boyfriend and I was completely over Hank, which I was. When I looked at Hank now, I felt nothing, not even resentment. I couldn't believe there was a time I'd considered actually having sex with him, and I now understood Ashley's reaction when I'd brought it up.

Thankfully however, my friend had truly grown from the year before, and even the beginning of the school year. She never asked Michael, Ben or me to hang out with her when we wanted to spend time with our significant others. She learned to branch out and hang out with the other Hufflepuff's. She actually spent so much time with Jared, I almost wondered if they would end up dating. I still wondered if he was in love with her, and at times even Michael wondered. I didn't get it when it came to him because he was so picky.

Her only downfall was the fact that there were boys who did want to date her, but she believed that any of them who asked her to one of Slughorn's parties, Quidditch matches or the tasks for the Tri-wizard Tournament were all pity dates. She didn't believe that any one of them actually liked her, and at times I wondered if there was much point to even trying to set her up.

I started to spend more time with Greg than I did with my friends. He liked Quidditch enough that he would even help me practice between team practices. He would never play for the school teams, but he enjoyed playing it for fun. It was another similarity to Ben. At times, I thought of him as Ben and I had to be very careful to keep that to myself. I didn't want to do something stupid like accidentally call him Ben.

My friends really liked him too. That was always a bonus with the person you were dating. I knew you shouldn't date people based on what your friends thought, but it made things easier when you did hang out. Our groups of friends could hang out with no problem at all.

Often I would watch Ben we were all hanging out. I wanted to see if he showed any signs of jealousy at all. I knew he could see the similarities between Greg and him, so he had to feel some jealousy. However, he never seemed to. He got along really well with my boyfriend, and the two even talked and joked like old friends. While I was glad that they got along, I wanted Ben to show some annoyance with him, but he didn't.

"I'm glad you found someone who is a good influence on you," Ben answered when I questioned him at length about this. "He's making more progress with you in a month than I have in almost two years. It's about time. I hope this one sticks around."

I had to wonder if he was a really good actor. He could hide his emotions so well and he had sounded so sincere. However, he had to feel bitter resentment that some other bloke was making better progress than he had. So I added:

"There are benefits. Him and me always snog afterwards. You've never given me that," I said this trying to sound as if I were joking, but I wanted to see what he'd say. Often Ashley would make snogging jokes with him, and he would play along. He'd never done that with me.

"Good thing I've never made progress then," Ben said instead and I felt as if I'd been hit in the stomach. Even if I wasn't interested in him I would still feel offended by that comment. How could be say something like that? It made me feel like he'd be disgusted with the very idea of him and me kissing. Perhaps he said it to cover up his feelings, I figured that had to be it, but it was still not a nice thing to say.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"It means I am with Claire and you are with Greg," Ben answered.

"But we weren't always in relationships Ben," I said. "When you were single you were snogging random girls."

Ben just gave a small shrug. Why was he so uncomfortable to show some kind of affection with me? Why couldn't he make the same jokes he made with Ashley, or even really any girl with me? I'd heard him make jokes with Sarah. Was it because it was just so awkward between us because of the tension that was there?

"Would snogging me really be that bad?" I demanded when he didn't answer.

"I never said that," Ben answered. "Why are you being like this Ellen?"

"Because I made a joke and you're acting as if you're disgusted or something," I said.

"I'm not disgusted Ellen," Ben replied. "I just feel guilty making those kind of jokes when I have a girlfriend that's all. "You're getting way too offended and defensive when you don't need to. You're almost like Ashley was last year. We finally got her out of that habit. We don't need you to start."

Perhaps that was what his problem was, but it didn't stop me from feeling furious either way. I didn't like how he was making me feel. Annoyed, I got up from the table we were sitting at to see if I could find Greg. Ben had some serious growing up to do. I supposed that was why it was a good thing we weren't together yet. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of thing once we did end up being together.

The Easter holidays approached a lot more quickly than the Christmas holidays had. Soon enough us second years were handed forms to pick out the extra classes we wanted to take for third year. The last thing I wanted at the moment was more classes and homework, but I didn't have a choice so I went with the easy ones. I knew Ben didn't approve of this. It was another reason for why I went with the easier ones, I knew it annoyed him and I wanted to get under his skin. He was doing the same to me for some reason, so I was going to do it back.

Ashley also made a big step when it came to Denver, and I was very proud of her. After almost a month or so after he'd dumped her, he apologized to her. I wasn't there for it, but she told us about it and later Stan also told me about it. Apparently he'd gone to talk to her in the library and he asked her to give him a second chance. The old Ashley would have jumped at the chance, but this new Ashley rejected him. It made me so happy to hear because I didn't think they should be together. While she had overreacted to their break up, he had overreacted to the pictures. If he could dump her so quickly like that, he didn't deserve her.

I felt that the break up was actually good for her and I'd actually been right when I said she'd get over it. She was so much stronger and she was standing up for herself more and branching out to talk to other people in the other houses. I could see that she was slowly getting more confidence in herself. I thought back to the beginning of first year. She was unrecognizable not only in looks but personality. She was dressing more and more like a girl instead of a tomboy and she was not so negative. Part of me was actually starting to get jealous and I couldn't explain why.

More good news came in the form of Claire dumping Ben. She wrote a letter to him right before the Easter holidays breaking up with for Morgan. I was happy that he was no longer with her, but I couldn't help but think she was so stupid. Morgan was a nice enough bloke but he was nearly not as attractive as Ben was. When a girl like Claire had a gorgeous boyfriend like Ben, it didn't make sense to dump him for a less attractive bloke. That would be like if some boy dumped me for Ashley.

I didn't find out right away about this. At the beginning of the train ride home, I went to sit with Greg and his friends first. He likely wouldn't see them over the holidays. He told me that they didn't get the chance to see each other over summers or holidays. So I figured it was fair to sit with them first. I would see Ben and Ashley over the holidays, and Michael who was staying at Hogwarts said he likely could get permission to see us for a weekend as well.

After a while though, we went looking for Ben and Ashley. When we entered their compartment, I thought the two of them looked too intimate and I felt jealous. They were sitting so close together that Ashley might as well have been on his lap.

That was another thing that annoyed me. Often us girls sat on the guys laps if there was no room when the Hufflepuff's got together, but Ben wouldn't let me sit on him because of Claire, but he let Ashley. I had never sat on Ben. I knew it seemed like a petty thing to get jealous of but I always found that it showed closeness and intimacy between people, especially if they weren't dating. Most of the boys wanted me on them, and sometimes Stan and Jared fought over it.

So to walk into the compartment to see them alone together like that bothered me. There was so much room since they were the only two and they seemed like one person. Ben had a hand rested on Ashley's thigh which was usually just something a boy did for a girl he was dating. I glared at him and for some reason he glared back.

"What's going on?" I asked as I took seat across from them. Greg sat beside me and took my hand.

"Claire broke up with Ben by a letter," Ashley answered.

"Claire broke up with you?" I asked with shock.

"Why would she do that?" Greg asked.

He actually agreed with my sentiments about the better looking girl or guy always won. We'd talked about this before. It was nice that I actually had a boyfriend who agreed with this. Hank hadn't. Greg always believed that Ben could do better than Claire, so I knew he was thinking the same thing that I was.

"She wanted Morgan," Ben answered. "I can't say I am surprised. I saw it between them and I tried to ignore it. I don't actually care because I was never in love with her. She was just someone to pass the time with and we got along well enough. I'm just annoyed that she was so cowardly that she had to do it with a letter. Last night we were getting along so well. She snogged me as if her life depended on it."

"Likely getting past the fact that she'd never snog a good-looking bloke again," I answered. "Well, I think she is stupid for dumping you for Morgan."

Ben just shrugged. "She can't help how she feels. I am not upset with her breaking up with me for Morgan. I just think what she did was low."

"So it's operation cheer up Ben," Ashley said and then grinned at Ben. "We'll have to get together over the holidays and fill him up with some chocolate."

"It worked for me," I answered. "It would have worked for you too."

"Oh I definitely ate chocolate when I got my appetite back," Ashley told me.

"Looks like you could use more," Greg told her but he wasn't being mean. She was still far too thin. "You two should eat the chocolate together."

"We'll have a chocolate day," I replied quickly. "We'll do it when Michael visits. The four of us will fill up on chocolate. That's what they do with Dementors."

"A chocolate day does sound good," Ben answered with a grin. "Is that the reason why girls eat so much ice cream? I know that's what Brianne does and Brenda too. I can't remember if Barry ever did or not."

"I bet mum is actually going to try to make me eat a lot," Ashley answered. "I have been eating quite a bit but the weight just hasn't come back on. I've gained a few pounds but not a lot."

"Your cheeks aren't hollowed out anymore though," I said. "You have that healthy glow again. Before you were too pale and you had shadows under your eyes."

"I'd better hope we don't break up then," Greg joked. "I get bothered enough for being skinny as well especially since I've grown lately. I almost look like Michael used to."

"You are actually quite scrawny," I agreed with a smile before I leaned over to kiss him. I glanced at Ben to see if he looked jealous but his face remained neutral. I wished he would take his hand off Ashley's thigh. Was he keeping it there because I was with Greg? Likely he had it there before because she was trying to cheer him up, but now it because he was jealous that I was intimate with my boyfriend.

"So are you going to get back on the broom, or you are going to stay single for a while?" Greg asked Ben. "I know some of the psycho girls like Tara will be happy."

Ben let out a groan. "I'm not looking forward to it when she finds out. She'll try again, I know she will. But no, I am not going to date again right away. I'm just going to go back to the snogging. I think Jared and Sam are right. I don't want another girlfriend right away."

"It's what we were doing before the two of you came in," Ashley said. "We're both single and so we figured we'd get it out of our systems. A good snog can cheer anyone up."

"We figured you wouldn't appreciate our PDA though," Ben joked.

I gritted my teeth and I had to count to ten so that no one could see my anger. Why was it that they could joke about it so casually but when I tried it, Ben acted disgusted? Not only was I angry but I was hurt and I almost wanted to start crying. It put me in mind of how emotional I'd felt before I'd gotten my first period. I was having those mixed emotions again.

"You're joking but I could actually see it," Greg answered. "You two do look like a couple."

"No they don't," I snapped. "And they would never snog either."

"That you know of," Ben replied sounding almost defensively.

"Have you?" Greg asked his eyes now widening.

"No we haven't," Ashley said with a small grin. She glanced at me with confusion. I was sure she didn't know about my feelings, or even Ben's. To her, it was just a fun bantering between friends as it should have been. I honestly didn't mind them joking around because I knew it was a joke, but I just wanted him to do it with me too. I was the one he was going to end up with eventually. It must have just been the tension between us. It was the only thing that made sense to me.

"Do you have any friends with benefits?" Greg asked her and she shook her head. "You should. You actually do have a point that a good snog helps. Before I got with Ellen I used to do it."

"She doesn't need to do that," Ben said just as Ashley said: "I doubt boys want to randomly snog me."

"You're wrong about that one," Greg told her before he gave Ben a funny look.

"There are plenty of blokes besides Denver," I told Ashley hoping so much she wasn't going to fall back into those old insecurities. It was frustrating to hear when I knew there were boys who wanted her.

"She doesn't need that pressure though," Ben replied. "If she isn't comfortable with snogging random blokes, she doesn't need people telling her to do it. Let's just change the subject. I don't want to talk about Claire anymore. For now, all I want to do is relax and enjoy my holidays. I was never in love with her and it wasn't going to last, so I really don't care. We stayed together as long as we did because we got along but I think she was a rebound to be honest. I don't want another girl to be a rebound."

I had even told Ben that Claire was just his rebound and he hadn't gotten upset with me about it. It was good he was admitting to it now, but I was tired of his anger with me. I didn't want another fight with our group, but I could feel some growing resentment for him again. I didn't like the way he treated me compared to how he treated Ashley. I knew he considered her his best friend, but I hated the level of intimacy he showed her. She now had an arm around him and he still had his hand on her thigh. I didn't say a word though. I just did my best to focus on other things. One of these Ben and Ashley for that matter were going to have to learn that this kind of thing was unacceptable.

My Easter holidays were actually quite relaxing. Mum wasn't happy with my class choices. She wanted me to go with Arithmancy, but it wasn't going to happen. I'd already handed my sheet in. I thought it was enough that I'd added an extra class. Originally I was only going to take two, which were Muggle Studies and Care of Magical Creatures but I decided to take Divination to keep Ashley company as well.

"Ellen, you aren't supposed to take classes because they are easy or because your friends took them," mum told me.

"It's what I am taking," I told her. "You know I never liked maths in Primary School and I am not going to take it now. I already had a lecture from Ben, I don't need it from you too."

"I'm just glad to see that at least your marks have improved," mum said. "It seems this Greg is good for you at least. I just wish you could have taken at least Ancient Runes."

"I will never need to know about Runes," I told her. "Besides, they are a form of Divination and so is some of Arithmancy. We'll learn about Numerology and some Ancient Runes in that class."

"But not in a way that it will be valuable," mum answered. "It's your choice honey, but I just hope that come Seventh Year you won't regret that you didn't live up to your potential. No one likes doing the school work, but it's what you are there for. I hated homework as well you know. I just wanted to learn the magic too, but I knew I had to do the school work too."

"I want to be a Professional Quidditch player," I told mum. "I know more about Quidditch moves than our captain does. I spend my free time reading up about it, and I've even given him tips. I am a good player and I won't need school work. Maybe if you actually came to watch a game you'd see."

"Ellen, I am sure you are a very good player and I don't have any doubts that you could be drafted. However, you can't be a Quidditch player forever," she told me. "I don't want to argue with you. Just try to keep your marks up enough to get somewhere in life just in case. You can't put all your eggs in one basket."

"I'll worry about it in fifth year," I replied. "They'll have those career pamphlets out by then and I'll make my decision then."

I didn't care what mum (or dad if he ever came back in our lives) Ben, Greg, or anyone else said. I was going to work towards being a Quidditch player. I could play well into my thirties and then have kids. I wouldn't have to work because I could be a stay-at-home mum like Ben's mother eventually was. I would make enough money playing Quidditch and Ben would make a lot by being a Healer or whatever else he decided. I already had things planned out. Ben also had his trust fund too. He wouldn't need me to work. I almost wanted to tell mum this, but I decided against it. We'd talk about it when Ben and me did get together.

"Well then we'll about it again then Ellen," mum said. "And I mean it. Just keep your marks up but at your Easter Break, you and me are going to sit down together and we are going to talk about it. So enjoy the next few years while you can."

"I plan to," I told her and then I walked off to play with my little brother.

Someday they were all going to see and they were going to regret getting on my case. Ben would regret the fact that he'd been mean to me, mum would regret that she nagged me and dad was going to regret that he ignored me. I knew he still loved Quidditch even if it seemed he was turning his back on magic. I was sure he was still going to listen to the game on the wireless or go to matches. If he still ignored us years from now, he was going to listen to the wireless and hear them announce my name. He would show up to a game and I would walk past him as if I didn't even know him. I smiled at this thought. I hated only being twelve. I just wanted to be grown up already so I could show everyone.


	5. Passing The Time

Passing the time

The rest of second year went by without incident. I noticed a huge change in Ashley. She seemed to want to make due with the fact that both Michael and me were in relationships, and Ben had study sessions so she branched out even more than before. I could see her growing so much in confidence. I hadn't been there for it, but she'd told off Melanie once and for all for what she'd done, and that seemed to have helped her as well.

While I was happy for her, I also felt jealous too. It wasn't just the confidence (besides maybe worrying about finding another boyfriend) but the fact that she was making new friends. She had more people to confide in and I didn't want anyone to replace me in her life. I had Lindsay who I could talk to, but she would never ever replace Ashley. She couldn't. I didn't want to lose my best friend, and at times I did want that passive girl back because I knew she'd always be there for me. Not that she ignored me entirely, we still had our girl time, but I just didn't want her to have another best girlfriend.

My relationship with Greg which was amazing at first slowly started to change as the end of the school year approached. He was really worried about his exams for third year, so he studied more often and sometimes he got fed up with me, but it wasn't just that. He was starting to be annoyed with me all the time because of Ben. While I had been quiet at first about how Ben annoyed me with his closeness to Ashley, and his rudeness with me, it was hard to keep holding back. For some reason I couldn't talk about it with Lindsay, so at times I would bring it up with Greg.

"Ellen, I am so damn fed up with this obsession you have with Ben," he said to me angrily close to our exams one evening in the library. "Why don't you just tell him you love him already and get it over with."

"I don't love him," I lied. "It's you that I want. I just think he should treat his friends equally."

"No it's not that at all," he said and he slammed down his quill. He'd been working on some Arithmancy problems a moment ago. "I've seen it from the very beginning of our relationship, but I did my best to ignore it. I could see it on the train especially when the two of them were being affectionate with each other. You were so jealous that the steam was coming from your ears. Listening to you complain about it is another thing. I really like you Ellen, but it's stressful when my girlfriend wants another bloke. Sometimes I think you even pretend I am Ben. You've called me Ben a few times. I'm done with this."

"You're ending things with me?" I asked with shock.

"Yes Ellen, I am done. I need to concentrate on my school work. I can't be worrying about whether or not my girlfriend is going to cheat one me or dump me. If Ben told you right now that he wanted you, you'd dump me. So I am doing it before you can do it to me. It's over!"

And without another word, he grabbed all of his stuff and put it in his bag. I tried to stop him but he pulled out of my grasp angrily. His legs were too long for me to catch up to him. Luckily the library was mainly full of fifth years so no one who knew me had witnessed it. I didn't want anyone to know the real reason we broke up, so I was just going to tell them that we'd grown apart.

I just couldn't believe he had dumped me. I'd always believed I'd be the dumper or the rejecter. I had never thought that a boy would do it to me. I doubted I'd ever get rejected. Even boys like Don Zent wanted me even if he thought I was a blood traitor.

I felt as bad as I'd felt when I'd broken up with Hank though. I thought things had been going so well with Greg. We'd gotten along so well and he'd seemed happy the day before. Sadly, I gathered up my stuff as well and then left the library. I just wanted to go lay down in the dorms. Now I understood how Ashley had felt. I wasn't planning on staying in bed for days at a time, but I did just want to lay down and be left alone. So slowly with my head down, I headed back to the common room. How could he have dumped me? I didn't deserve that.

On the way back to the common room, I bumped into Michael who could tell right away that I was upset.

"Ellen, what's wrong?" He asked and he put an arm around me and pulled me close.

Last year I would have hated for him to do this, but right now I knew he was doing it to be a friend. I knew he was still in love with me, but this time had nothing to do with any of that. He could see that I was sad and he wanted to comfort me.

"Greg and I broke up," I answered and I couldn't help myself. I started to cry.

Michael turned me so he could hug me. I put my face into his chest and really let go. The boy had his annoying moments for sure, but he could also be a good friend. I was glad that I could have someone there to comfort me.

"Don't tell me you're going to pull an Ashley on us," Michael said jokingly.

I sniffled and pulled away from him to smile.

"No of course not. I feel upset but I am not that pathetic," I answered. I didn't mean for it to be a dig at my best friend, but it was the honest truth.

"No you're not," Michael said. "You're a very strong girl and you are very beautiful. I guarantee you'll move past this and you'll meet someone else. All the boys will be excited to know that the prettiest girl in the second year is single again."

I wiped the tears from my face. "Thanks Michael, you really are a good friend, you know that?"

"I know," he said. "Come on, let's get to the common room. I know you might not believe it, but studying does help distract you. I know you hate studying but we still do have exams and I don't want to go all Ben on you, but I promise it helps. There is no point in moping and letting your grades go down. Soon it will be summer and we can all have fun again."

"You're right," I sighed.

And for once, studying actually did seem appealing to me. Michael was right when it came to that. It had been a good distraction for me the year before when I'd been worried about mum and dad fighting and about Timmy at home. I'd never been in love with Greg like Ashley had been with Denver, so I knew I could get past it. I also knew it wouldn't accomplish much by hiding away. So I allowed Michael to take me back to the common room.

Of course Ashley and Ben were there together. They were always together. I supposed since at first they were the only single ones in our group they had to hang out but that was about to change. Now I was single too. Perhaps now I could work on getting close to Ben and slowly ebb Ashley out. Of course she'd still be his friend, I would never take that away, but she wouldn't be the best friend anymore. I would be and we would get closer. Perhaps I could use Quidditch to do so. We were going to be in third year soon enough. Things had to change soon enough.

Ben and Ashley began comforting me right away, and Ben seemed really upset. Was he upset that I was so sad? Did he feel my pain? He likely didn't want to see the girl he loved so sad. Maybe this would even bring us closer and by the end of the summer we'd be together. It might almost be too soon but if anyone could get together at a young age and then get married, we could. It was rare for couples to marry the person they dated at thirteen or fourteen, but it did happen.

"You seem sadder than me," I said to Ben.

"I just think he was actually a good person for you," Ben said to me. "You were studying more and you just seemed happier. Are you sure it can't work out?"

"No," I answered firmly annoyed again. "You know there is more to life than studying Ben. Besides, you promised after our fight you weren't going to nag me."

"And I really haven't been Ellen," Ben replied. "I just don't want to see you fail."

"My grades are decent enough," I said. "I'll be going into third year next year with you."

"I guarantee you'll have a boyfriend by the time we start third year," Ashley said to me with a smile. "I liked Greg as well but he obviously wasn't the one for you. Now we can enjoy summer together as single girls. Maybe you'll meet a cute boy by your pool this year."

"Yes maybe," I said smiling at her before I glanced over at Ben. "Maybe I will have someone by third year."

"Likely," Ben answered with a shrug. "If anyone can, I am sure you can pull it off."

"Maybe I'll snog random boys around the castle too and by the pool," I added trying to make him jealous.

"Plenty of blokes probably will be more than happy with that," he replied back.

I couldn't tell what he was thinking with this. I didn't know if this was a hint or what. I tried to think of something else to say to get him going. And then it came to me. Ben had a cousin named Sam who was in the first year. He was Ben but with blond hair. They used to be close before Ben started Hogwarts but now the two only met sometimes to study together. They both had their own lives. However, I'd met him and he'd even told me that he'd love to snog me. He'd hit on me quite a bit and it had felt quite flattering. It had angered Greg however.

So I said:

"Your cousin actually told me he wants to snog me. Maybe I'll snog him."

"He told me the same thing," Ben answered sounding indifferent. "I'm sure it would make his day. I think he's actually already snogged more girls than I have. He has the Jared kind of attitude. I wish I had that confidence."

"I still don't understand why you don't," Michael said. "You have a line up of girls, and most do want to snog you. Besides, I thought you've had Jared's attitude since Claire broke up with you."

"Oh he has, and Tara is getting all upset because she wants to snog him but he won't," Ashley answered with a smile. "I've told him it's just snogging."

"And I've told you that it doesn't matter. She's already tried to drug me with a Love Potion. What do you think she'd do if I randomly snogged her? I can't believe you'd want me to kiss her anyway," Ben said to her.

"I don't want you to snog her. I am glad you haven't and I hope you never do. I just don't get why you're picky about it," Ashley answered.

I could actually see her point about that one too. I hoped he never would either, but why was he picky about it? It was meaningless snogging and as long as he was upfront with a girl in the beginning, he wouldn't have a problem. Although I supposed Tara would get false hope.

"You know what she's like," Ben said. "She'll hope it will lead to more."

"Good point," Ashley answered. "Anyway Ellen, maybe you can come over more this summer too. We can do make overs with Jaime perhaps if she is home and everything. Maybe this year Rachel can take us to the beach too. You can drive the boys crazy at the beach."

"I bet my red bikini still fits," I agreed. I just hoped Michael wouldn't stare at me too much in it again because I did like that bikini a lot. I wanted to wear it before I outgrew it. "I'll even wear it at your place again Ben. You can all come over and hang out in my pool too. I'll probably wear it then as well."

Ben just raised his eyebrows at me. He let out a sigh but he didn't say anything. I noticed Michael glare over at Ben, and I didn't have to be a mind reader to know why. I was giving Ben subtle hints and he wasn't getting them, but Michael was. I could tell Michael knew how I felt about Ben and since he was still in love with me, he was frustrated that Ben was being so indifferent about it. I was sure of it.

"It is a nice bikini," Ashley replied oblivious to it. "One of these days I'll get the guts to wear one too."

"I don't see why you need to get the guts to wear one," Ben told her. "You'll look amazing in a bikini."

He's only trying to boost her confidence. I told myself repeatedly in my head. He didn't want to hear her negativity, so he was trying to make her feel better. It was true that she would look good in one, so I quickly chimed in. Even Michael did which was a change from the year before.

"We'll see," she answered.

Part of me didn't want to convince her to wear one. I didn't like how Ben had told her that she would look amazing in one, even though I knew he was just saying it to boost her confidence. He hated her negativity. However, she was my friend and I did know that she would look good in one. I'd seen people wear them who shouldn't, including her neighbour Pat. Ashley was someone who could get away with it.

"We're going to go bikini shopping together. If not this summer, we will soon enough," I told her. "I would like another one after all. In my opinion, if you have a pool, you can never have too many bathing suits."

"I suppose we could," she answered. "I'll get some one pieces too though. I'm sure I've outgrown the one from last year. I've grown since the beginning of the school year."

It was true. She'd suddenly had a growth spurt leaving me inches behind. During first year, she hadn't grown at all but I had. So while I had once been shorter than her, by the end of our first year and the beginning of second year, I was probably a couple of inches shorter than her. That year she had shot up and now I had to look up to her again. I hadn't even really noticed it until I'd started hanging out with my friends more again.

"I wish I could grow some more," I said. "I hope I'm not done growing yet."

"I think I will be soon enough," Ashley answered. "I'll be fourteen in September. I'm just an inch or so taller than mum now. Jaime is so much shorter than me now though. It seems odd, she used to be so tall to me. I'm still a lot thinner though."

Jaime was actually someone I was close to in height. I found it odd how she was short and fat while her sister was skinny and tall, or at least taller. I figured Ashley had to be around 5'4 or 5'5 which was average for most girls. Jaime and me were likely around 4'10 to 5'0. I would have to ask my mother to measure me when I got home.

"Why is that?" Michael asked her and she shrugged.

"Must be something from her fathers side of the family I guess. She's a mystery to me honestly. I mean, I think she looks similar to our grandmother but at the same time she looks so different from all of us," Ashley replied. "We have no photos of her dad or her relatives."

While I really liked Ashley's mother, I did find her situation to be irresponsible. She'd gotten pregnant by some older bloke she barely knew at eighteen, who left her and then had gotten pregnant again shortly after by some other man. I couldn't imagine how someone could be a mother at eighteen. None of the seventh years seemed responsible enough to be a parent and they were about that age. At the same time, it didn't make sense how she had her life together when Michael's parents didn't. They'd been even younger, but they were at least together. They were in their late twenties with a teenaged son and they were horrible parents. Ashley's mother was in her early thirties and was a very good single mother. It was just odd.

"Same reason for why your parents are overweight and you're most certainly not," Ben replied.

"I think that's the fast food though," Michael answered. "They eat so much junk and drink so much. I'm not looking forward to going home at all. I haven't seen the place since last summer. I imagine it's going to be messy and I doubt they have jobs. Dad basically told me what the status quo would be from now on."

"Just come over whenever you can," Ben told him. "You know you're always welcome. Mum and dad told you that."

"Same with my place and Jared's as well," Ashley said. "You don't have to stay at home if you don't want to."

"I am going to try and work a lot though," Michael answered.

"Well just remember that for if things get too bad," Ashley persisted. "We don't want you to get as stressed as you did last year. So when it gets to be too much, just write to any one of us. You're always welcome. We're starting third year now anyway. We're all old enough to see each other more."

Michael nodded without answering her. I had a feeling that he wouldn't take them up on their offers. I was sure even mum would let him come over, but we wouldn't really have anywhere for him to sleep except the couch. There was no way she'd let us share a room and Timmy's room was too small. So I didn't bring it up, but I was sure if it ever came to that point, we'd have a place for him to stay as well.

I was relieved when our finals came up. Now I could relax for a few months. I knew I would have homework for the summer, but it wasn't going to be anywhere near what we were doing now and I could take my time with it. Of course mum would want me to work on it, but as long as I did at least a subject or two per week, she wouldn't get on my case too much.

It bothered me to see that I was still below Ashley when it came to school marks. I tried not to dwell on it however. I knew she put more effort than I did, but I was a lot smarter. I could ignore my schoolwork and then pass most tests except maybe in Charms. She couldn't. So why was it that at the end of the school year, she'd gone up and I'd gone down?

Michael usually defended me over her. Even after all this time he still seemed as if he perhaps had some resentment over her or something. He was more friendly with her, and he definitely didn't try to start things with her, but at times he could still talk behind her back. So even though I didn't exactly want a bitchfest over my friend, if I felt the need to criticize her, I knew I could count on Michael to agree.

So the morning that we were supposed to leave, I began complaining to him about this. He was grouchy because we were going home and he didn't want to go. I wasn't sure where Ben and Ashley were. It was just him and me at the table and eating breakfast before we were supposed to go. He was too busy poking at his eggs.

"So maybe study more then," he snapped at me which was a surprise. He never talked to me like that.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.

"It means that maybe you don't need to be like Ben, or even like she is becoming but instead of bitching that she's doing better, maybe you do something about it," and without another word, he pushed his plate away and got up to leave. I stared after him in shock. He'd never taken his home life problems out on me, but I didn't like it. Now I understood how Ashley felt.

I stayed silent when more Hufflepuff's joined me and I didn't answer when Ben and Ashley asked where'd he'd gone. I was now in a bad mood as well. I didn't appreciate being treated that way.

Ben tried to question about my mood on the train, but I just gave a shrug and told him that I was tired. I saw Ben and Ashley exchange looks but neither pressed the issue. I couldn't explain why it bothered me so much that Michael would talk to me like that, but it did. Other than a few rare moments, he was always so kind and gentle with me. He didn't even join us until close to the end of train ride. He was in a mood as well. He didn't even seem to care that he had offended me. He always had put my feelings first.

Even though it was out of her way, mum had volunteered to take Ashley home. She knew it was hard for Ashley's mother and neighbour. I was surprised because mum wasn't a big fan of driving. However she'd told me that if it was for anyone else, she wouldn't.

"I respect Ms. Dunning and Ashley so much that it's not a problem," she'd told me when I'd asked.

I didn't have a problem with it either, I was just surprised because it didn't take long for us to get home from the station. However, mum said she'd do it until Ashley was at least sixteen and could make her own way home or if her mother could herself.

So after we bid the boys good-bye (Ben's parents took Michael still) Ashley turned to me.

"Now that the boys are gone, do you want to talk about it? Something is bothering you," she said.

We made our way to the barrier to Kings Cross where we'd meet my mum.

"Michael snapped at me this morning," I answered. "He never talks to me like that."

"Well, I am not making excuses for him, but he does hate going home. It's how I feel most of the time, but I've learned to develop a thicker skin when it comes to him. There is no point in letting it ruin your whole day. I had to learn that one the hard way," she responded.

"I know, I am just not used to it," I told her. "I know I shouldn't let it get to me especially since summer is finally here, but I just don't like it."

"When it comes to Michael you need to tell them that," Ashley said. "Don't be the old me and be all passive aggressive. Just write to him when you get home later and tell him that. Say that you understand that he hates going home, but you don't appreciate being treated that way. It works with me. He always apologizes."

"Do you want to come over for a little bit?" I asked her.

I realized at that moment how much I was going to miss her. Despite my bitter thoughts at times, I did deeply care for her and I wasn't ready to say good-bye yet. She shook her head however.

"I already feel like your mum is going out of her way for me. I don't want to make the time longer. We'll write tonight and maybe we can start seeing each other more on weekends," she answered.

I nodded feeling let down about this, but she was right. I spotted mum and Timmy ahead. Thankfully my brother was smiling. I just wanted a happy home again even if it meant that dad was ignoring us. I knew deep down that someday he'd regret it. He was going to wish that he hadn't turned his back on magic and that he'd taken an active interest in our lives. I had to wonder if it was easier for him to ignore Timmy with me at Hogwarts.

As we reached them, Timmy ran over to give me and then Ashley a hug.

"I'm eight now!" He said excitedly causing me to smile.

"I'm not about to forget that mate," I said with amusement. "I even sent you a birthday card."

"But Ashley doesn't know that," Timmy told me.

I decided not to tell him that he was wrong about that one. She knew when his birthday was because I'd mentioned it the last two years.

"Happy belated birthday. I figured you were older because you look so grown up. Eight is a very grown up age. It's not too much longer until you're at Hogwarts now," she said to him.

"I know and I get to stay up later now too," Timmy told her. "And I can go downstairs all by myself now too. Before mum wouldn't let me but she said this summer I can go down if I want to play. I still have to have Ellen or her with me if I want to play in the pool though. I still can't cross the road yet by myself but maybe in a year."

"I'd say two years," mum said to him with a smile. "Well let's get going girls. I'd like to beat traffic."

"You don't always have to take me home," Ashley told her. "If it ever becomes to much you can let me know."

"I'll take you to and from school until you're old enough," mum told her. "I know that your mum and your neighbour are at work. It's really not a problem dear. When I was a kid, I really had no way to get to Hogwarts. Sometimes I had to take the Knight Bus, but I feel you are still too young for that. I don't want Ellen or Timmy riding it until they're at least sixteen. It's why I volunteered because I remember what it was like for myself. Besides as a single mum now, I understand your mothers plight. I've always respected her for raising two girls on her own, and I understand even more now. I'd want the same for Ellen or Timmy if I couldn't do it."

Ashley nodded. "Well thanks a lot. Both my mum and I really appreciate it."

I knew it did make my friend uncomfortable since we lived in London and her town was outside of it. Ashley had once told me that she'd find a way to repay my mother either by helping out with Timmy, or doing something for her. She really didn't have to, but I knew she would stick to that promise.

"I'm glad to do it dear," mum said. "Now that being said, we should get going before the traffic does get insane. So tell me how the last term went. I hope there is some improvement in your marks Ellen."

"Somewhat," I told her.

I decided it was best not to mention that I'd had better marks the year before. She would figure it out once I showed her my marks when we got home. I didn't want a lecture in front of Ashley. Instead, I just told her about the Tri-Wizard Tournament. I figured it was a good enough topic to get us through London and into the country. I hadn't paid much attention to it, but I knew enough that I could answer hers and Timmy's questions. Instantly, Timmy began questioning me. He was in the middle between Ashley and me and he was very bouncy. I was hoping that on the way home mum would let me sit in the front seat. I was going to the thirteen in August after all. I was no longer a child.

That summer I had to baby-sit Timmy while mum was at work, but that was fine with me. We spent most of our time in the pool. There were plenty of kids his age in our building so he was kept busy playing with them. I went between swimming and lounging by the pool. At first I didn't see anyone my age, so I did feel kind of lonely. However after a while people my own age began appearing in the pool. Some were older and some were a couple years younger, but I didn't mind that. They weren't under the age of nine and that suited me.

One girl name Elizabeth was a year older than me and she introduced me to her older brother Drew. He was fifteen and he was interested in me! Although I was still quite short he could tell I was (or would be) a teenager. He had no problem hanging out with me. I couldn't believe that someone who was two years older actually liked me. I knew I was pretty, but at times I still worried that people saw me as a child. Sometimes some of the older boys at Hogwarts had hit on me, and there had been those muggle boys at Ashley's parties, but I still felt that people viewed me as maybe ten or eleven. It was flattering to know I could attract older boys.

"You're not that young looking Ellen," Elizabeth said to be when I told her my insecurities in my bedroom.

"People used to mistake me as eight," I told her.

Before she had come over, I had to hide all the magical stuff in my room. I'd put it all in my closet which was actually quite spacious for an apartment. I got up to look through it to see if I could find my scrapbook. Ashley had given me some photos from the last summer that Rachel had taken. I could show them to her since they didn't move. I made sure that she couldn't in the closet as I looked through my book. I found one taken right at the beginning of first year. It didn't move so I figured I could show it to her too. It only showed the mountains at Hogwarts and nothing else.

"But these are from a year or two ago," Elizabeth said as she glanced at the pictures. "People can change a lot in two years. You do look quite young in this one, but you look so much older now. It looks like you get prettier every year. I wish I could only be as pretty as you. Is this where you go to school?" She asked as she held up the picture from first year. I was wearing my Hogwarts uniform. "Odd uniforms. Why do you so far away?"

"It was where mum went," I answered her. "I've always felt the same about the uniforms too but we have to wear them. It's so beautiful there though. It's where I met my best friends."

"I wish I could go," Elizabeth said with a sigh. "I just go to boring secondary school. I'd love to be at a school near a lake and the mountains. It must get quite cold though."

"It does," I confirmed. "But it's worth it and it's even pretty in the winter."

"Anyway, when you are in your twenties you'll be happy that you look young," Elizabeth said. "But my brother really does like you. Normally he wouldn't be interested in a thirteen year old."

"He does know it's just a summer thing right?" I asked.

I knew it was a bad idea to get seriously involved with a muggle boy, but it also wouldn't be a good idea given that I was away at school all the time. Elizabeth smiled however and nodded.

"He doesn't want anything serious either Ellen," she told me. "And you're not the only girl."

"Good," I said but this annoyed me.

I still had that competitive edge and while I didn't want him to fall in love with me, I didn't like the fact that he might be with a prettier girl, or worse, she could be less attractive and he could like her better. I wasn't going to admit this however. I liked having a friend in my building so she didn't need to know any of that. It could offend her not only because I was seeing her brother but because she was a girl herself. Other girls tended to get offended when they realized how competitive I could be.

Ashley came down for a weekend and I worried about how they would interact together. Perhaps she would be jealous that I had a summer friend, or else Elizabeth wouldn't like her. Although my new friend was a nice girl, she could be judgmental about looks. Ashley had improved quite a bit in looks, but she still wasn't beautiful. Elizabeth tended to have a commentary about looks or girls who were overweight. I also worried that the two girls would like each other so much that I'd be left out. It wasn't just that, but I had told Elizabeth some of my bitter thoughts about her. What if she repeated them back to her? For a while I debated about introducing the two of them, or even Drew.

"She can be super shy," I warned the two of them.

Since Ashley was just staying the night, mum was just going to apparate her over. It was easier for her to do that then to drive the car to her place. She only drove when we had our trunks. It was too much for her to take on. So I had to wait until mum and Ashley arrived before I could invite them over. I figured Ashley and me could just meet them by the pool anyway. It would make things easier that way.

"We'll be nice to her," Drew assured me. "Any friends of yours are mine Ellen," he added.

"I'm sure we'll all get along splendedly," Elizabeth told me. "I'll invite Eric and John to come over as well. Then we can all hang out."

"I hope they aren't picky," I said to her.

"We're just hanging out for the weekend Ellen," Elizabeth said. "We'll introduce her to Eric. He is shy too and he likes big girls."

"Ashley isn't big though," I said. "She just isn't as pretty as most girls."

"Eric won't care about that," Drew told me. "We're all just hanging out anyway. I'm sure we're all going to get along fine. You seem really nervous about her."

"She's my best friend but she can be an acquired taste," I explained.

I didn't know how to explain her any better. A lot of people did like her, but there were people who didn't. At Hogwarts people at least understood her but from what I saw, muggles really didn't like her.

It turned out I had nothing to worry about though. There was a pizza place not too far from my building and my mum was letting us go there for dinner. When she arrived with Ashley, we went down to the pool after we changed into our bathing suits. I still couldn't convince her to wear a bikini. She owned one now but she would only wear it at home. I didn't understand why because she had such a beautiful body. I'd seen her in just her bra and knickers. It happened when you lived in a dorm. She didn't have an ounce of fat on her. So I couldn't figure out why she wanted to hide her figure.

"Maybe when we're at Ben's but not at this pool," Ashley told me. "Especially around strange boys I don't even know."

"From what Elizabeth has told me, Eric is a shy and nice boy," I told her. "I don't know anything about this John bloke but Drew and Elizabeth are nice enough."

We found them already in the pool. I glanced over at Ashley. I could tell she was already nervous. She'd gained a lot of confidence in the two years I'd known her, but she could still get shy around new people. I just hoped that she wouldn't get mute like she could sometimes get. When we reached them in the pool, I quickly introduced everyone. Elizabeth smiled at Ashley.

"Ellen has told me so much about you," she told her.

"You too," Ashley answered her shyly before she glanced at Drew. "She's told me about you too."

"Of course she has," Drew said as he moved to wrap an arm around me. "I'm sure it's all good things. She's probably told you how handsome I am."

"She certainly has," Ashley responded.

"She didn't tell me how pretty you were though. Eric here is a lucky man," Drew said as he nodded at his friend.

Eric was actually quite cute. He wasn't as handsome as Drew (who actually reminded me of Ben because of the dark and eyes) but he was cute. He actually had pretty eyes. They would look better on a girl than a guy but I thought they suited him. I also wondered if perhaps he worked out. He looked slightly muscular for a fourteen year old. I didn't know too many boys his age who had muscles.

Eric smiled at Ashley. "I think I am. I've heard you're shy. I like shy girls. I think they are cute."

This made Ashley's cheeks turn red. She should have worn a bikini. She looked good in the red bathing suit she was wearing.

"Are you thirteen too?" He asked her.

"Yes, I'll be fourteen in September," she answered and she gave me a funny look. I wondered what that was about.

"I'm fourteen too," he told her. "I'll be fifteen in August. Drew told me that you two go to some boarding school."

Ashley nodded. The two of them seemed to get along right away which I was relieved about. She needed to meet some more boys. Despite what Ben said, I believed that she should snog random boys like I did. If her and Eric hit it off well enough, I could invite her over more weekends and the two of them could hang out more. It didn't have to be serious. It could be a summer fling for her too.

"They seem to like each other," Drew said to me later on as we walked to the pizza place. "And she seems quite nice. I don't know why you were so worried."

"Like I said, people don't always like her," I said.

Eric and Ashley were trailing behind us still deep in conversation. They had been talking since the moment we'd introduced them. Ahead of us, Elizabeth and John were talking. They were holding hands. I had to wonder if they were close then she had let on. Drew and me weren't holding hands and I believed we'd been hanging out longer than her and John. It seemed to me she'd chosen John so Eric could hang out with Ashley. Perhaps she was always close to boys she knew. I was close to the Hufflepuff boys after all.

"Too bad you two didn't go to our school," Drew said with a sigh. "This could be more than a summer thing."

"Drew, I told you that it's just a fling," I told him. "Anytime I am home we can hang out for sure if I am not seeing anyone, but there is no point than going further than this."

"I really like you though Ellen," he said to me.

"You've known me for a few weeks," I stated.

"And I like what I've seen. It's not often that Eric warms up to a girl so quickly either. Don't you think you two could transfer?"

"No," I said firmly. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Elizabeth told me that you just like snogging random girls anyway."

"Until I met you," he answered looking sad.

"So we'll have fun for the summer," I said. "And Ashley can come down on weekends to see Eric if they hit it off."

"Right," Drew said sounding sad.

I told Ashley all about this later that night. We were both laying on my bed on our stomachs and working on our scrapbooks. She'd been talking a lot about Eric and I thought it was too bad that we didn't go the same school as them. I hadn't heard her talk that enthusiastically about a boy since Denver.

"You have that affect on boys," she said to me. "They seem to love you. It's why I am still shocked about you and Greg."

"Greg was too jealous of Ben and Michael," I said. It was half true.

"I hope we're not always going to run into that problem. I never thought that Denver would get jealous of Ben, or even Michael. I thought he understood our friendship," she said.

Even though she'd rejected him, I thought that she was still in love with him. I hoped that she would never take him back. He'd broken her heart over his stupid insecurities. If someone had sent me those pictures when I'd been with Hank or Greg I would have just scoffed and thrown them out. No one could understand why he'd get jealous of her just sitting beside random guys. Jared would be better for her than Denver would be.

"Denver is an idiot," I told her. "Not even Michael would get jealous like that and he has insecurities about Anne. I bet not even Claire would have gotten jealous when she was with Ben. He should never have been with her, so I am sure she felt insecure. Maybe it's why she left him for Morgan."

Ashley frowned at me. "I thought you'd been happy with that relationship. You even set them up."

"No I didn't," I protested.

"You told them they should hang out at Slughorn's party," Ashley reminded me. "And you looked so happy when Ben accepted."

"Hang out together like friends, not be boyfriend and girlfriend," I said. "I wasn't happy about that. I just pretended to be because he's my friend. And I do have to agree she was better than Melanie. I was just more happy about the fact that he was moving on from her. I thought the two of them would hang out at his party as friends and that was it."

Ashley smirked at me. "I don't understand you at times Ellen. You seemed so enthusiastic about them in the library that night and even afterwards."

"Because it seemed to make him happy," I told her. "Even if I don't like his girlfriends or your boyfriends I'll be happy for you anyway. In secret I'll probably think mean things about it."

"And what was wrong with Claire?" Ashley asked.

"Oh come on. I hate to sound shallow but Ben can do ten times better than Claire. She isn't that pretty," I answered.

"Ellen you're the one who always tell me that looks aren't everything," she pointed out.

"They aren't Ashley, but at times certain people can't be satisfied with someone for long, even if they like their personality. I just have a hard time believing that Ben of all people changed that fast. I know people can be idiots in the first year, but look at how he was with you and Jaime. Last year he was suddenly interested in Claire? I just feel she was a rebound girl after he was with psycho Melanie," I explained. "I feel he felt like he was taking the safe path by being with Claire even though she wasn't attractive."

"You could have a point there," Ashley replied.

"But with you it's different anyway. A lot of boys do like you. Look at how you and Eric got along so quickly. It's like that at Hogwarts too. Look at you and Jared now. You're a lot better than you used to be, but you need to let go of some of those old insecurities," I told her. "Denver isn't the only boy for you. Nothing is going to happen with Eric because it's just a summer fling but you should think about that when we get back to school."

"Eric seems nice enough but he's just being friendly," Ashley said. "And I am not saying that out of insecurity. There is a girl at his secondary school that he really likes. He told me all about her and I told him about Denver. Him and me are just going to be friends."

"You seemed really enthusiastic about him when you were telling me about him though," I said. "How do you feel about him?"

"He is a nice boy and he is cute but if we hang out it's a summer thing like you said Ellen," Ashley answered. "I don't want to focus on a random muggle boy I probably won't see again after this summer. I want to focus on the boys at school."

"I feel the same way. I felt bad about having to turn Drew down," I said with a nod.

"Ben and Michael don't need to know about this either," Ashley said. "Especially Ben. He seems protective when it comes to me with boys. I think he is worried I am vulnerable or something. This summer can just be a secret if we hang out with them on weekends."

"What the boys don't know won't hurt them. I think Michael still wants me. He says he is over me and that he loves Anne, but I kind of wonder if it's because of me they break up a lot," I said.

"That and how he gets when he is drunk," Ashley said. "She likes him enough that she goes back to him. We don't always have to tell Michael and Ben things. I'm sure they don't tell us everything."

"Not likely. I just hope to see a change in Michael this year," I said. "He's getting better but he still has his moments."

"It's when he drinks," Ashley said. "Ben wants us to go over for a weekend soon. He wants us to spend weekends at his place too. Michael has already been there and I guess he got into the alcohol. He wants all four of us I think next weekend to go over. So maybe we can talk to him about it."

"Yes we should," I said. "But for this weekend, let's just focus on the boys here. Now, did you bring a bikini. If you did, I think you should wear it tomorrow."

"I didn't bring one," she answered. "I'm fine with a one piece Ellen. You just focus on not turning Drew on too much."

It ended up being a really fun weekend and I was sad to see Ashley go home. I wished she could stay for a lot longer, especially since she and Elizabeth seemed to hit it off well. The three of us had a sleepover at Elizabeth's Saturday night. There was too much magical things at my place and I didn't want Elizabeth to witness anything she shouldn't. I'd told her that mum only let me have one person sleep over. So Elizabeth invited us over instead. The three of us had a good time talking about boys, doing makeovers and painting our nails. Elizabeth had already tried oral sex which shocked both Ashley and me.

"What was it like?" I asked. "Does it taste funny."

"It's kind of salty but it's got another strange taste too it, it's hard to describe but it's fun to do," she said.

"But what made you decide to try it?" Ashley asked. "Denver and me were together for months but we never went that far."

"What do you mean you touched?" I demanded.

She had never mentioned this to me before. I was just learning more and more what girls did with their boyfriends. Does that mean they did more than she let on? They obviously didn't do any oral but maybe she gave him a hand job or something?

"Not like that!" Ashley said and she blushed.

"Ooh someone is shy," Elizabeth said with a giggle. "There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's normal. You're going to be fourteen soon. That's how people our age get introduced to sex you know. It's what leads up to shagging eventually."

"I know it's normal. We didn't touch... down there. I just meant he felt me up a lot and I touched his butt a lot and he touched mine. We never went further into intimacy though," Ashley explained.

"But you probably wanted to," Elizabeth pressed and Ashley blushed again. "Did you?"

She smiled and then shrugged. "Maybe. Sometimes you know how boys get well... hard? Well I felt it once and I fantasized going further... but this never leaves this room."

So maybe my friend was more grown up then I'd thought. I'd had two boyfriends and I'd never done anything beyond kissing. Hank had once been nervous when he's accidentally touched my breast even though I hadn't minded. Greg had never tried.

"Is it okay for me to?" I asked. "I mean, I am not even thirteen yet."

"I thought you were thirteen," Elizabeth said with a frown and I remembered the lie I'd told her. I hadn't bothered telling her that I would be thirteen in August. I'd just said I was thirteen.

"I will be next month," I answered. "I just rounded off my age. I usually do when it gets close to my birthday."

"Oh okay," Elizabeth said and smiled. "I was worried for a moment there. I think Drew would be uncomfortable if you just turned twelve. He just turned fifteen so it's still two years. You had me worried for a second."

I laughed. "No I am thirteen soon enough. I haven't done any of that yet."

"Well you're just learning about it though. It's usually about thirteen or fourteen when people do start. Eleven and twelve is just hand holding and kissing. I think you're right on track. It's not something you have to do anyway. It's just something when people our age start experimenting. Mum has always been open out sex with my brother and me. She knows what happens when teens date so she has been honest about what happens at certain ages," she said. "She didn't want to get into something we didn't understand, but she also wanted us to feel normal about what we do."

"But you've done oral sex without a boyfriend," I said and Elizabeth shrugged.

"There's nothing wrong with it Ellen. I won't shag unless it's with a boyfriend but the rest of that stuff doesn't matter," she said. "It's like casual snogging."

Ashley and I exchanged looks. I wasn't sure if I agreed with that or not. Snogging was snogging but the rest of that seemed really intimate. I decided not to say anything and neither did she. I couldn't imagine doing oral so maybe I wasn't ready yet. The idea made me feel squeamish. I liked just kissing and cuddling. The rest of that seemed kind of gross and embarrassing. Maybe I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was.

The rest of the summer was fun, although for a little bit I ended up being grounded. Timmy was slowly getting to old self again and one evening he was spying on me. We got into a fight and I slapped him hard. I knew I shouldn't have hit him, but he shouldn't have been watching me. I'd been undressing. He tried to point out that he'd seen me in a bikini but I didn't care. It was different when it was my bra and my knickers. How couldn't my mum see that?

Dad ended up taking us for a weekend as well. I almost didn't want to go because it had been a year since I'd last seen him, but I also didn't know when I would see him again. He spent the weekend trying to spoil us. It was as if he wanted to make up for the past year. Although according to Timmy he'd taken him a few weekends after Christmas too. It irritated me that I had to wait a whole year to see my own father. I didn't want to appear moody in front of my brother though, so I put on an act through out the entire weekend. I was slowly learning how to pretend to be happy around people and be believable.

The end of summer approached and Drew tried to convince me that a long distance relationship could work, but I had to turn him down. Perhaps I should have ended it with when he first told me his feelings because I felt terrible. He looked so sad when I told him it was best if we didn't hang out again. I truly hoped he would meet a nice girl as his secondary school. Elizabeth seemed kind of cold to me when I said good-bye to her. She'd known where my relationship with her brother stood, so it didn't make sense for her to angry with me. I had to wonder if she would still want to talk at my Christmas holidays.

I was glad to be going back to school though. I love summer and I loved having time off, especially since I didn't have to spend every night doing school work. However, I missed the castle and seeing my friends everyday. I missed being able to do magic. I missed learning new spells. I missed sharing the dorm with the other girls and hanging out in the common room. I was going to miss my mum and brother, but I was ready to go back.

I was also glad to be a third year. People would finally start taking us seriously. Generally first and second years were seen as the little kids, but third years and older weren't. We would start going to Hogsmeade that year and the older kids would stop watching our every move at parties. And as much as I hated to admit it, I was looking forward to the new classes as well. It would be more school work, but I was interested in Care of Magical Creatures. I'd heard that Hagrids classes were always really interesting and I thought Ashley would be disappointed that she didn't take it. She loved animals, so I didn't understand it. I felt that she took classes like Ancient Runes and Arithmancy because Ben wanted her to. Muggle Studies would be so easy because of my parents and how I'd grown up, and I didn't care about Divination. I just took it because of Ashley. It would probably be interesting however. Trelawney was a fraud but it could still be fun.

I was happy to see that I was also no longer the shortest in the school. Even the year before a lot of the first years had been taller than me. However, I'd grown enough that some of the first years were shorter than me that year. There were still people taller than me, but it was nice to know I was no longer the smallest.

I felt kind of lonely in Muggle Studies since none of my friends had taken it. Not too many people that I was friendly with were in the class either. Lindsay thought it was pointless since she was Muggle Born. The teacher Professor Tompkin also made a seating chart, so I couldn't even choose who to sit with. I ended up being paired up with Devon Smith. I really hadn't said much to him since our train ride to school. We'd acknowledged each other but since he was sorted into Gryffindor, I hadn't had much to do with him.

"Goodness have you ever gotten pretty," Devon said to me. "I mean, you've always been attractive but you just get prettier all the time."

"Thanks," I said happily.

Devon had actually grown quite attractive himself. When I'd first met him, I had thought he was cute but nothing special. In two years he had grown into a very handsome boy. He still wasn't as attractive as Ben, but that didn't matter. So I said:

"You've gotten quite handsome yourself. We really haven't talked much over the last two years so I hadn't noticed," I said.

"Well now that we sit together it looks as if we're going to be spending a lot of time together," Devon said to me a cute grin and he winked.

It wasn't often that a boy made me feel nervous, but Devon certainly made me feel that way. The last time I'd felt butterflies was with Hank. I couldn't help but smile back. Why had I dismissed him so quickly two years ago? His blue eyes were so gorgeous and all I wanted to do was feel his lips on mine.

"It looks like it but you know we don't only have to hang out in Muggle Studies," I said to him.

"I was thinking the same thing," he replied.

And it was if it were an instant relationship from there. I seemed to get lucky when it came to that. Most people had to go on a few dates before they really knew, but so far with me, we were just together. There was no getting to know each other over awkward dates, it was just snogging and hanging out. Part of me wondered if this was a bad thing, but I told myself it couldn't be. It just meant that I was likable enough for a guy to want me right away, especially one who I'd barely talked to since we'd met.

Ben ended up getting into a relationship with Nicole Letson which surprised and annoyed me. I didn't know her too well, but I'd heard that she got jealous too easily, but she also had a hard time with decision making when it came to boys. She didn't believe that a girl should ask a boy out. She also believed the bloke should make every plan and basically worship the girl. I didn't think Ben would appreciate that kind of attitude. He preferred an independent girl who could think for herself. I had to wonder if he even knew any of that about her.

I didn't want him with her though. If he had to have another girlfriend, did it have to be another beautiful blonde? Nicole was a very gorgeous girl. The only bad thing about her was the fake tan. I didn't know what she used, but she was always tanned but we all knew it wasn't real. I imagined it was some kind of tanning cream. She looked too orange. It wasn't the nice tan that Ashley usually got during the summer.

I told myself the reason he was dating a blond was because of me. I'd dated Greg because he reminded me of Ben. Now Ben was dating a girl similar to looks when it came to me. Apart from the orange skin, we did look almost the same. She wasn't much taller than me and she was quite petite looking. She also hated school work. She did the work because she had to, but she also believed that we were there to learn magic and not do stupid meaningless essays. Her and me had once discussed this. So knowing this, it did make me feel better. Ben was likely starting to realize how he felt about me and so he'd picked someone almost similar. Although I couldn't see him tolerating her for long. So while I disliked her, and I made it known to Ben that I didn't like this relationship, I let it be.

I just wished that Ashley could find someone. Michael was still of course with Anne. So she was now the only single one in the group again. We did our best to hang out with her, but a lot of the time she was left on her own. It was harder to spend time with my friends when I was dating someone outside of Hufflepuff and I really did like Devon's company. He wasn't Ben at all, but it was still great hanging out with him and he made me feel so good about myself.

Ted from Ravenclaw did his best to convince Ben or me to set him up with her, but neither of us agreed with this. We did not think that he was a good match for her. I kept trying to find other boys who would be interested instead. There were plenty who were perfectly suited for her. The problem was that she always thought they just wanted to date her out of pity. It was last year all over again, and so the boys always lost interest.

When the first Hogsmeade trip of the year approached, she ended up going all by herself. It made me so angry with my friend because boys did want her. I hated listening to her insecurities knowing that there were blokes who liked her. She was still too busy mooning over Denver to notice. He was starting to date again and anyone could see how sad she was by this. So that turned boys off from her as well.

"No point in asking her out when she still wants Denver," Joey said to me sadly when I approached him. He had liked her since the first year, even when her eyebrows had been very bushy. "I don't want to date a girl who wants another bloke."

"You're insecurities are ruining your chances," I told Ashley angrily the night of the first Hogsmeade visit. "You didn't have to go alone."

"Boys just aren't interested Ellen," she said with annoyance back. "I was fine going on my own. Don't worry about me."

"It's hard not to," I retorted. "You're my best friend and I hate seeing you look so lonely. I was too busy worrying about you instead of enjoying my date with Devon."

"Ellen I am sorry you were worried about me, but trust me, I am fine. I am friends with plenty of people outside of Hufflepuff. I could have met up with any of them," she said to me. "In the future, don't worry about me."

"Well I think we should all meet up from now on in Hogsmeade," Ben said who had remained quiet through all this. He'd been too busy working on some assignment for Arithmancy before then. "We'll start off with our dates and then we can all meet up at the Three Broomsticks afterwards. We're still all friends after all and we've always all talked about hanging out in Hogsmeade together as well."

"Sounds good to me," Michael said who had also stayed quiet. "We can't forget each other you know. We've barely hung out together this year. We didn't even do anything for Ben's birthday this year."

What he said was true enough. It was October already and my friends and me had barely spent much time together. This time last year we'd still been talking a lot even though we were all just starting to date. Two years ago we'd basically been inseparable. I hated what was happening with our friendships, especially with Ashley. It was like she didn't want to hang out with us or something. Late at night we would sit together, but often she was somewhere else. In classes she even sat with other people instead of with us. I didn't want to lose my best friend.

"We really should," I chimed in. "Especially if one of us are single. No one should be going home early. Maybe we can get the rest of the Hufflepuff's to join us too."

"Probably could," Michael said. "I'll talk to Anne and Jared later."

"I'll talk to the girls later too," Ashley said. "I don't know about Sarah but I know Jess and Erica will join us. I'm sure Joey and Brad will too. Ellen, you talk to Keith quite a bit don't you? You can tell him and Dan."

"We haven't really talked that much this year but sure," I said. "We'll make it around three or four in the afternoon."

I actually liked the sound of that tradition a lot. Although we all had our best friends, ever since last year, the Hufflepuff's had started sitting together more and more. It was about the time when Ashley and Denver had broken up. I believed that was actually what had brought us all together. We'd all decided to stick by her to support her and then after that, we started sitting together quite a bit after that night. I believed it also had to do with the Poker games as well. Michael still had them on weekends and some of the other students had bought their own poker sets as well. So the games had grown.

"Sounds good to me," Ben said. "In the meantime, we'll try to hang out more."

But that didn't happen. We did try, but it was hard for us to always get together. I wondered if this was what growing up was all about. Perhaps it was normal for people to drift from their friends. I hated that I rarely saw Ben or Ashley. I was used to Michael not really being around, but it was odd without the other two.

I hated seeing Ben with Nicole anyway, so part of me didn't mind too much. Sometimes I had to see them because the Gryffindors all got along just as well as the Hufflepuff's did and at times they all got together. So there were times when I would have to hang out with him and Nicole. However, as time went on, I could see that he wasn't happy with her. They were fighting a lot and I kept crossing my fingers that it would be Ben who would dump Nicole. I didn't want it to be the other way around.

"You know why they're fighting don't you?" Devon asked me when I brought this up once.

"Ben really doesn't talk to me about his relationship problems," I said. "He hasn't told me why. I just know they are fighting. I think he is telling Ashley though."

"It's because of you," Devon said. "She's jealous of your friendship. She thinks that you want Ben. You don't want Ben do you?"

"Of course not," I lied quickly. "You know Nicole is jealous. You were the one who told me that."

Although I still wanted Ben, I wasn't ready to let go of Devon yet. There were plenty of benefits to being with him. He was experienced for one, and although we hadn't done any of what I considered the dirty things, he did touch me often like Denver had touched Ashley. However, he knew how to do it to make it feel good. I couldn't explain what it was, but it sent chills through me in a good way. And so I didn't want to let that go. I could actually see it being him that I would let my guard down with when it came to doing more. I didn't know if I wanted to shag him, but at least when I finally did get with Ben I would know how to please him.

"I had to ask," Devon said. "I'd heard things from Greg."

"Greg and I grew apart. He is just bitter because of it. By the time he broke up with me, he could tell that I had no interest in him. I'm surprised he didn't pick Michael considering the fight last year," I lied some more. "Don't listen to anything he has to say. It's almost Ashley and Denver all over again with Ben and Nicole."

"Well I wouldn't go that far, but you do know that the four of you will probably run into that problem a lot," Devon said to me. "I used to get that last year because of the Andrew twins and we don't hang out all that much. I'm glad to see you don't get jealous."

"I know it's me that you want. You just need to realize the same thing," I said.

"For the most part I do, but when Greg started to tell stories, and then Nicole started to as well, I had to ask," he replied and then he kissed me. "I believe you Ellen."

I felt terrible when he looked at me so lovingly. He had to realize that we were both only thirteen however though. We weren't going to last and while I was happy with him at the moment, I knew someday I would have to break his heart for Ben. I just hoped that him and me would grow apart and that by the time Ben and me did get together, he'd have moved on. He was such a nice boy and I didn't want to hurt him. Perhaps I'd be a bitch to make him dump me when the time came.

Ben stayed with Nicole until close to Christmas, and then he dumped her. She was so bitter about the break-up that she tried to spread rumours about Ben. The problem was that not too many people believed her. If anyone did believe her, they still didn't care. They just saw her as a pathetic ex-girlfriend who wanted revenge on her ex-boyfriend.

"Not even the other Gryffindors really believe it," Devon told me. "So many people like Ben that they don't want to believe her. She'll move on eventually."

I told this to Ben who gave a shrug. He didn't care. Long ago he'd developed an attitude where he didn't care what people thought. In the past he had, but he'd changed and whenever I'd point something out that someone had said, he would just shrug it off. I supposed that was a good thing however. I was just happy that he was no longer with Nicole.

I accidentally revealed to Lindsay about my feelings about Ben because of the break up. Since I rarely saw Ashley much these days, I had to have some girl time with my other closest friend. In fact, it seemed that year I talked to Lindsay more than Ashley and I hated it. She was a great girl, but she wasn't my best friend. I didn't like how my best friend seemed to suddenly be Miss Popular. Two years ago I wouldn't have that she would be such a social butterfly. She was never around when I needed her to be. So it was Lindsay I'd been turning to.

We were sitting out in the court yard and shivering while we talked about Ben and Nicole's break up.

"Well it's best she realized it now," I said. "At least she won't be hurt when it does happen."

"What do you mean?" Lindsay asked.

"You know, when Ben and me finally date. I doubt it will be this year but it will likely be within the next couple of years. Soon he'll realize that he loves me as much as I love him," I replied without thinking.

Lindsay just stared at me and then she cleared her throat. "So let me get this straight. You think you and Ben are meant to be together?"

My eyes widened when she said this and I realized what I'd said.

"I knew you were in love with him," Lindsay said. "But I wouldn't be so sure that he is interested back. I think he is in love with Ashley."

"No he isn't," I protested.

"You know, I did wonder about whether or not you wanted Ben. This definitely confirms it. The three of you are going to end up with a love triangle," Lindsay said.

"And it will be Ashley that gets hurt," I said. "Okay you're right. I do really like Ben a lot. I have for a long time but he hasn't realized his feelings for me yet. So until then I am just dating other boys until he realizes it."

"What about Devon?" Lindsay asked.

"We're thirteen Lindsay," I reminded her. "We're good together right now but we won't be together for too long. Relationships don't last at our age. You know that."

"I guess you're right. I just hope he doesn't get hurt," Lindsay said.

"I won't hurt Devon or any other boy for Ben. Once he realizes how he feels about me, I'll make sure it's a good break up and then I'll stay single for a while. I'll let a good amount of time pass and then we'll get together," I explained.

"I still think he likes Ashley," Lindsay said.

"Well he doesn't," I said. "Don't you remember first year?"

"Things can change in two years. Ashley is the perfect example of that. Look at how shy she was two years ago and look at her now," Lindsay said. "People's tastes can change. He might very well be interested in her. Those two are so intimate with each other. At times I've wondered if they date secretly. I saw the two of them just the other day out here cuddling together."

"They're just close friends Lindsay," I said.

She just shrugged. "Well I suppose you just have to join the line up of girls who do like him. I wish I could get over him. I've tried but it always goes back to him. I feel sorry for the girl who does capture his heart. She is going to have a lot of jealous girls after her."

I could tell that Lindsay didn't take me seriously when I said that Ben and I were meant to be. It irritated me because despite her crush, she should have seen it. How could she honestly believe that it was Ashley that Ben wanted?

Later on however, I really sat down and thought about what she said about their intimacy. What if Ben did actually want her? What if they secretly wanted each other? Maybe Ashley didn't actually want Denver, but Ben instead. I thought back to all the times they were intimate with each other. Just the other day when all of the Hufflepuff's were sitting together, Ben had grabbed a hold of Ashley and he'd pulled her onto his lap. He'd hugged her so close and the two had grinned into each others eyes. She'd complained about feeling cold, so he'd reached for one of the many blankets draped over the couches, and he'd wrapped it around them. The two of them truly had looked like a couple.

When I thought about all of that, I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. He couldn't like her. He just couldn't! It did explain why he got so defensive about her. He always put her first before anyone else. Even in first year when he'd been rude to her he would put her first. How had that happened exactly? Perhaps he just thought he loved her. He was just fourteen after all. It would probably just take sometime for him to realise that it was me. Mum had told me that people fell for the wrong people all the time. So of course at the moment he thought he loved her because he considered his best friend. I just hoped it wouldn't take too long for him to realize it was me that he actually wanted. Unless it was both of us. I sighed. I wished that Lindsay hadn't told me her thoughts on the situation. It was something I would obsess about for a long time.


	6. Jealousy and Craving Attention and Love

A/N: From this chapter forward, this story likely contains drinking, sex and some other illegal activity.

Jealousy and craving attention and love

After the Christmas holidays, I tried to spice things up more with Devon. We'd come close to doing more at Ashley's New Years party. We'd gone outside and hid behind the shed that they kept in the backyard. It was a cold night, but it was hard to go anywhere else in her house. Too many people were blocking the stairs otherwise we'd have gone up. No one was allowed upstairs until bedtime, so no one would have walked in on us. However, just as we started to get really intimate, several people came outside so we had to stop.

"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Devon asked me back at Hogwarts while we snogged in a closet. "I don't want you to do anything that you're not comfortable with."

"We've been together for four months now," I said. "We're thirteen and this girl I met over the summer said it's normal for people our age to do it."

"Yes but I don't want you to do something you aren't comfortable with. I am happy with just snogging you," Devon said.

"Is it because you don't want to do it?" I asked him.

"It's not that at all Ellen. It's just that it is a big step in a relationship and we need to both make sure we're okay with it," Devon answered. "I'm quite happy with you, so I don't want you to feel that you have to do something to keep me interested."

"That's not why I am suggesting it," I said. "I just wanted to spice things up. We got close New Years eve after all."

I didn't want to tell him the real reason for why I wanted to do it. Of course I was curious, but I just wanted some kind of close form of intimacy to keep my mind from Lindsay's revelation. I felt that it would bring us closer and maybe I wouldn't feel so obsessed with Ben and Ashley. I was starting to watch their every move together anytime. I always felt jealous when I saw the two of them together more than I did before. I didn't like it. I felt that Devon like Greg last year was a good distraction for me, but the relationship could be more mature.

When I wasn't with Devon, I was throwing myself into Quidditch even more. When I was supposed to be doing homework, I was looking up different Quidditch strategies. I couldn't understand why our captain didn't want to do half of them. At times he would listen to me, but other times he would be annoyed for interfering. All I wanted was for Hufflepuff to win.

So between keeping things hot with Devon and researching Quidditch, I could distract myself when it came to Ben and Ashley. Thankfully I didn't have to see them too often. It just bothered me that they were both single together again. Sometimes Michael would end up joining them as well, but him and Anne never stayed broken up long enough.

One evening, I found Ben sitting alone in the common room. I sat down beside him and began telling him about the latest Quidditch moves I'd read about. I wanted to know what his opinion on it was. If enough of us talked about it, perhaps we could convince our captain to try it.

"You're wrong!" Ben suddenly said and I frowned at him. How could he say that? I knew it would work. Why was he so defensive about it?

"No I am not. I know my Quidditch strategies Ben," I said to him. "I've been reading up on Quidditch ever since dad took me to my first game. Our captain is useless. I don't know why you seem so defensive about it anyway."

"Wait what?" He asked glancing at me with confusion. Had he even noticed that I was there? Had he heard anything I said? He seemed as if he was distorted or something. What had he been so deep in thought about? I hoped it wasn't Ashley. What if he was fantasizing about her?

"Didn't you hear a word that I just said?" I asked him. "What were you thinking about?"

"Tara, she's obsessed with me," Ben answered. That made sense. It would explain why he was so defensive. Perhaps she'd told him that they were meant to be together again, and he'd been thinking about it. It would make sense why he'd said that I was wrong, or whoever was wrong. "Ever since I broke up with Nicole, she's been trying to get with me again. She would even take the random snogging."

"Please tell me you'll never snog Tara," I said. He had said he wouldn't in the past, but what if he changed his mind. He seemed to change his mind about a lot of other things.

"No," he answered. "Anyway, tell me again what you were saying about Quidditch. If it can help us win, then we should try it. I know you do know your strategies. I'm sorry, I've just been distracted lately."

"I thought you told us that you weren't going to let girls distract you this year," I said. I remembered him telling us that on the train ride to school. He'd said that whenever he had girls on his mind it made his grades slip. He was determined to beat Tara in grades. He'd been distance ever since his break up with Nicole, and the only person he wanted to hang out with was Ashley. I hated it. "I thought that was the whole point to snogging all those girls. You've been distracted ever since you dumped her. It seems it's only Ashley that you will talk to lately. The two of you seem tight, but you never seem to be around Michael or me anymore."

I wondered if he would sit there and tell me his feelings. I hoped he wouldn't, but what if Lindsay was right? What if he'd been thinking about Ashley a lot now that he was single? I really hoped not, but they were spending so much time together and he was so distracted. I knew he wasn't upset about his break up. He'd been relieved when he'd finally pulled the cord with her.

"Because you two are always off with Devon and Anne. We're not the ones abandoning you, it's the other way around. I get it when you get in a relationship that you want to be with them. I felt the same way with my girlfriends. I'm just saying you can't blame it on us," Ben answered sounding indifferent. Didn't he care that the four of us didn't always hang out?

"But even when you were dating those girls, it was always Ashley first," I said. "You didn't make time for any of us when you were with Melanie, but that's understandable considering how psycho she was. But with Claire and Nicole, it was always Ashley you hung out with."

"I never told you the reason that Nicole and I broke up," he said. "But it was because of you. I mean, it's not your fault but it was her jealousy over you. So don't think for a moment that I don't think about you. I don't understand this insecurity anyway. It's not a competition between friends."

I considered bringing up what Lindsay had said to me, but what was the point? I didn't think he would admit it. However, I thought I always noticed his eyes lighting up when he mentioned Ashley in other conversations. That was usually a sign that someone was interested in someone else. It was how I'd guessed about Ashley and Denver and I'd wondered about Ben and Melanie in the first year. He'd never looked at me when I approached the way he did with her and it made me sad because I truly did love him.

"Don't worry about it," I said to him sadly. "But thanks for that."

I'd known the reason for why they'd broken up from Devon, but it did make me feel good knowing that. Even if it wasn't because he didn't love me yet. He had done it because we're friends, so that did show that he did care about me.

"So, let's just talk Quidditch," he said. "Tell me what it was that you told me. I'll listen this time."

I smiled when he said this. Who knew what his love for Ashley really was, but I could tell that he loved when we talked about Quidditch. I knew that it was our love for Quidditch that would bring us together. I truly believed that the scenarios I had imagined the year before would eventually happen. He might have wanted her now, but I was going to bring in a win for Hufflepuff and he would forget about her and realize that it was me who he wanted. He'll realize it was because the two of them were close, but it was me he truly loved. So I sat up and started over again what I'd told him before.

Although I enjoyed me relationship with Devon, I was slowly starting to feel smothered. It was shortly after Valentine's Day when he seemed as if he was almost obsessed with me. I had to wonder if it was because of the sexual experimentation. Although it had been odd at first with him, after a while I started to enjoy it. I could see what Elizabeth had meant and I knew he loved it too. However, it was as if he got more jealous after we got even more intimate. He was even jealous of Michael even though he knew what had happened the year before.

It got to a point that he didn't even want me hanging out with Ben and Michael. It was something I would have to talk to him about eventually. We were after all just friends. I had no interest in Michael, and Ben seemed as if he wanted Ashley. So Devon really had no reason to feel the way he did. I tried to have our intimate sessions happen more often just to reassure him.

"That should last you until after the Easter holidays," I told Devon with a smile after we left a broom closet the night before we were to go home.

"I hope so," he said to me and leaned over to kiss me. "I'll be thinking about you a lot Ellen. See you when we get back to school."

The next morning at breakfast an owl flew over to me with a letter. It wasn't Feathers, so I had to wonder who was writing to me. I was shocked to see that it was a letter from Devon. I was shocked even more as I read through it. He was dumping me. He couldn't stand my obsession with Ben anymore or Michael's lust for me. How did he know about Ben? I didn't talk about it with him. I read through the letter a couple of times and then burst into tears. I threw the letter onto the table and set it on fire. Ashley who was sitting beside me watched in shock before she tossed her pumpkin juice on the burning letter.

"Ellen what's wrong?" She asked but I just shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it at the table. Everyone was staring at me. "Okay, let's just go on the train before more people show up," she said and she stood up. She grabbed my arm to pull me up. I allowed her to. Most of the third years hadn't joined us yet, so I appreciated it.

I continued to cry in the carriage all the way to the train. Of course I'd known that Devon and I weren't always going to last. I loved Ben, but I had thought things were going quite well between us. Other than him being obsessed with me, we got along well. I had thought that our relationship could last a long while, and we'd done so much together. We'd had so many intimate moments together and I felt embarrassed when I thought about it. Perhaps it was the fact that we had been so intimate together that I was so upset.

It wasn't until Ben arrived in our compartment before I finally revealed what had been in the letter. I was hoping that Ben would take me into his arms the way he usually did with Ashley, but he didn't. He was of course sympathetic about it, but he didn't hug me the way that Ashley did. All he did was try to cheer me up. Of course some of it always had to return to her insecurities which bothered me. I hated it when she did that, and at the moment I just needed my friends to cheer me up. I didn't want to reassure her as usual that she would meet someone. Thankfully it didn't last long that time and it went back to my break up.

What bothered me the most out of it was that Hank, Stan and Jared joined us later and they all seemed more sympathetic towards me than Ben. Hank who was my ex-boyfriend was the one to hold me in his arms while I started to cry again. If it had been Ashley, Ben likely would be holding her. Why was he so afraid to show me any kind of affection? I just wanted what Ashley had with him as well. Even if he didn't love me yet, he could still be friendly. At times it was as if he believed I had the lurgy or something.

Ashley angered me further that day by actually going off to yell at Devon. Later on I would be thankful for it, but at first I was pissed off. She'd disappeared and when she returned, Jared was the one to pull her on his lap. There was no room for her now because Jess, Anne and Erica had joined us. I glanced over at Ben to see that he looked upset by this. His face was slowly turning red. Even Stan noticed this.

"Are you okay mate?" Stan asked him."You're face is red."

"I'm fine," he said but I didn't think he was. "I'm just angry about Devon that's all."

I didn't believe him as I noticed him send Jared a dirty look. I felt angry with Ben and Ashley about this, but I was angrier a moment later as Ashley spoke up.

"Well I told him off. It wasn't hard to find him. He tried to blame it on Ellen. He brought up some nonsense about Michael being in love with her, and that she's in love with you. These people can be so delusional sometimes," Ashley said.

I felt my own face redden as she said this. Not only because I was pissed at her but because Devon had felt the need to tell her his exact reasons. Why couldn't he have just left that in the letter? I didn't want people to hear anything about me being in love with Ben. The part about Michael was fine, but not the rest.

"You told him off?" I asked her angrily feeling the need to take it out on her. Not only should she have just stayed out of it, but the boy I loved seemed to want her. I wanted to do nothing but slap her. I'd never felt that way about her, but at that moment I wished I could slap her face hard or even hex her. "Ashley, sometimes you need to learn to keep out of things."

"Why?" Jared spoke up in her defense. "I think he deserves a telling off. He broke up with you in such a cowardly way."

"You can be angry if you want," Ashley said to me not even upset by my anger, "but Jared's right. He needed to be told off, and even his friends agree. They started yelling at him too."

"You did the same thing to Ben last year," I said to her not wanting to back down. All I wanted was to lash out at her. "I know you mean well, but sometimes you just need to butt out."

I knew that I really couldn't tell her off for it though. We'd all done the same to Denver the year before. She was just returning the favour to us. However, I was just so angry with her because of Ben that I didn't care at the moment. If it had been two years ago, she would have been upset by my anger but she didn't appear to be disturbed at all.

I glanced over at Ben who was watching Ashley and Jared intensely. Jared was rubbing her arm and whispering in her ear. I was sure that he was reassuring her that she'd done the right thing. I thought I heard him tell her that I'd get over it and he was right. I would get over it and I would thank her for it. I noticed Ben's face turning red again and it was so obvious that he was jealous. It was just another punch in the gut for me and I just wanted to direct all my anger at my best friend, but I couldn't do that to her. Ben suddenly stood up and left the compartment abruptly muttering about the bathroom.

"What was that about?" Hank asked as he watched him go. "He looks pissed."

"Probably jealous about Ashley and Jared," Stan said.

"No he isn't," Ashley said. "He's upset about Devon. He hates to see Ellen and me cry."

"If you say so," Stan said but he didn't look as if he believed it. I didn't believe it either. He was jealous.

Ben didn't return for a long time. After a while, our Hufflepuff friends wished us a Happy Easter and took off. Soon it was just Ashley and me left in the compartment. Her and me hadn't said much to each other since I'd told her off. Her and Jared had been too busy flirting with each other to pay attention to anyone else in the compartment anyway.

"You two should just snog and get it over with," I said to her after Jared had hugged her good-bye.

"We're just good friends," she said to me. "He's like that with all girls."

"You two have chemistry," I said. "There is tension there."

"Jared doesn't want a girlfriend," she answered. "And I don't snog random boys."

"You should," I said. "It really isn't a bad thing."

"I know it's not. It's just something I don't do," she answered. "Anyway Ellen, I am sorry about Devon but he pissed me off. He should have broke up with you last night."

"It's fine Ashley," I said. I'd calmed down by that point. I had actually slapped Denver the year before for what he'd put her through after all. "I was just feeling emotional. He should have dumped me last night. It's not you I am upset with. I just took it out on you when I shouldn't have."

"Do you think Ben went to yell at him too? He's been gone a long time," she said.

"I don't know," I answered but I really didn't think so. I believed he'd gone off to cool down because of Jared and Ashley. He was probably hanging out with some other people until he was sure that Jared and everyone else was gone. "He has friends in other houses so perhaps he went to say good-bye to them."

Just as I said this, Ben entered the compartment. He must have heard me because he smiled at us before he sat beside Ashley. He sat too close to her in my opinion.

"I went to sit with Brianne for a bit," he said. "It was too hot in here with everyone and she isn't going home right away. She wanted me to tell mum and dad that and then I just hung out for a bit. I like hanging out with everyone, but these compartments really aren't big enough for so many people."

"We're all growing too," Ashley said. "We used to all fit, but now we really don't."

"Well people can pile," I said glancing over at Ben to see if I could see the annoyance on his face. A small part of me hoped that I was wrong. Perhaps he had been angry about Devon, and he had left to get some air because it was too hot. "You sat on Jared and the other girls can usually sit on someone."

I saw Ben's jaw clench and he took a deep breath, but after that he calmed down. Ashley was of course clueless about all of this. She just began chattering about the Easter holidays and when we would all get together and whether or not Michael would leave Hogwarts to join us as well. It was a good change of conversation, but I couldn't help but watch Ben.

Later that night I decided to write back to Devon. I wasn't going to beg him to take me back. I didn't want him back since he was such a coward. However, I did want to tell him my feelings on the matter and I wanted to know what he meant by my obsession with Ben. I was sure that I had never talked about him around Devon.

Devon,

I understand that you don't want to date me anymore, but I can't believe you would do it by a letter. Why didn't you just tell me last night? I get the feeling you were planning this, so why did we even do the things we did last night if you wanted to break up? You had no reason to be jealous of Michael because he is with Anne and I've made my feelings clear with Michael. I also don't understand what you mean by my obsession with Ben. Next time you get a girlfriend maybe you should talk to her instead of getting possessive and then dumping her by letter.

Ellen.

I didn't have to wait long for Devon to respond to me. He lived in London as well. He must have written to me the moment that Feathers delivered the letter. A half hour later, I was working on a Potions assignment (mum wanted me to do one subject per day) and Feathers flew over to land on my desk. I pulled the letter away from him and gave him a nibble of the crackers I was eating while I worked.

Ellen,

Maybe it was low to dump you that way, but it's low to date someone while you're in love with someone else. You complain about Ben and Ashley all time time, but it's not just that, you stare at them too. Anytime when we all hang out together, you stare at them. It's so obvious that you're jealous of how close they are. Everyone knows that someday they are going to end up shagging if they haven't already. I hate the thought of you spending time with him even if he is your friend because I know you'd dump me for him if he decided he wanted you instead of Ashley. Greg told me a lot about your relationship and I've been watching for the same signs he had. You did the same exact thing to me that you did to Greg, except maybe call me Ben. Thankfully you never did that. I enjoyed my relationship with you for the most part but I can't get past the Ben situation. I didn't want to end up falling in love with you knowing that you want someone else. I thank you for everything besides that because I truly enjoyed what we did together. I know I shouldn't have dumped you afterwards but I do have to admit, I did want it again. Who knows when I'll find another girl who'll do the same. Ellen, I do thank you for the experience I gained with you. You're also right that I should have talked to you, but I just thought you would lie again. I know it will be a while, but I hope eventually we'll be friends again.

Devon.

For some reason I couldn't hate him. I should have, but I didn't. Him and me were never in love. Our relationship had been just a fun one, and I had to admit that he was right when it came to the experience. I'd learned a lot with Devon and I would be able to know how to please Ben or whoever else would be my boyfriend. I had a feeling that Ben wasn't going to be the next one. He was still focused on Ashley at the moment. It would probably be another year or two, but that was okay with me. We both needed to grow up a little. Ashley would either date Denver again, or she'd date Jared.

So I didn't spend my holidays moping about. I didn't get depressed like I had with Hank and Greg. I got over it after the letter. Instead, I spent the holidays doing homework (god forbid) hanging out with Timmy, reading up on Quidditch and working on my scrapbook. I also wrote letters back and forth with Ashley and sometimes with Ben and Michael. I didn't see Elizabeth or Drew anywhere and I had to wonder if they were avoiding me. Maybe they had moved. Neither had talked to me over Christmas even though we'd ended up in the lift together once. Elizabeth and Drew had just ignored me while they talked about some school party.

I did meet another cute boy however. His name was Zachary. He had just moved in on the second floor. He seemed more than happy to just snog, and sometimes he would feel me up. We would meet up in the evenings and hang out behind the stairwells. I made it clear to him that I didn't want anything with him besides that, and he was fine with it.

"I'm not going to hate you for that," he told me with amusement. "This Drew bloke sounds like a pussy. I'll introduce you to some kids our age this summer. Do you ever toke?"

"Toke?" I asked.

"Smoke weed?" He explained.

"No, but I've wondered about it," I said.

I knew about weed. Even wizarding kids smoked it, but I'd never tried it myself. I never wanted to try smoking fags, but I knew weed was different. It wasn't addictive and it gave you a nice feeling. It was something I would try as long as I knew it wasn't unhealthy or addictive. I told this to Zachary who nodded.

"We'll try it sometime soon. I don't have any right now but maybe this weekend," he said.

"I am going to friends this weekend," I told him.

Ben had invited Ashley and me over. He'd wanted Michael as well, but he was staying at Hogwarts the entire time that year. Perhaps he thought it was too much trouble, but I actually didn't mind too much. I liked him and all but sometimes I liked it better when it was just Ashley, Ben and me. We could drink without worrying about him.

"Next week then," Zachary said. "Only if you want to anyway."

"It won't hurt to try once," I told him. "I'm always open to experimentation. As long as it's not the hard stuff that will make you get addicted, I don't care."

"No, I don't do that stuff either," Zachary told me. "I hope you have a good time with your friends this weekend. Perhaps they'd want to try some too at some point."

I wasn't so sure about that. Michael probably would but I had to wonder if Ben would be too uptight. Ashley might, but she was against smoking, so I didn't know if that extended to weed or not. I figured for the time being, I wouldn't say anything.

At Ben's, I told them about Zachary however. I watched Ben to see if he would get jealous, but all he did was say: "Good for you," which annoyed me, but he discouraged Ashley from doing it. Why hadn't I noticed this with him before? Some of the conversation went back to her insecurities, but for once she was the one to tell us to drop it.

Later on, Ben couldn't get the cots in his room to work. Normally they set up cots so that all of us would have a place to sleep, but his parents hadn't. He couldn't get the beds set up.

"Don't worry about it," Ashley told him. "One of us will just share a bed. Unless you don't want to share a bed with a girl."

I was about to suggest that Ben and me share a bed, so I looked up excitedly to suggest it, but Ben was looking at her.

"Well since you suggested it, I guess you're stuck with me," he said to Ashley.

I glared over at Ashley. She shouldn't have even said that at all. She should have just suggested that her and me share a bed. Usually the same gender would share a bed. I almost felt as if she had set it up that way on purpose. Maybe she wasn't as clueless as I had originally believed. Maybe she was taking advantage. Why else would she say that he had to share a bed with one of us. Normally she would just bunk with me. It's what we did when she slept over.

I wasn't going to let that ruin my weekend though. I wanted to have fun with my friends and I was going to have it. So I just plastered on a smile and changed the subject. There was no point in ruining everyone's night over my jealousy. When I thought about it later, I knew Ashley had just been joking around. She'd probably even expected that her and me would share a bed, but Ben had jumped in and had offered her his bed.

That night, it was hard for me to sleep however. I hated the fact that the boy that I was in love with was sleeping in the same bed as my best friend. Luckily they slept far apart from each other. Ashley was on one side with her back to Ben and he was on the other side with his back to her. When we woke up the next day they were still in the same spots. I was glad to see that they weren't cuddling with each other like they did when they sat together. Everything seemed normal with them.

The rest of the Easter holidays went by quickly. I even tried smoking the weed with Zachary. I found that I actually did like the feeling it gave me. It did make me feel tired and it did make me want to eat more, but I liked being high. It made me feel happy. It was a different kind of buzz from alcohol. It did make me feel a little paranoid too though. When I went home, I worried mum would know what I had been doing. She did notice when I ate more helpings of dinner than usual.

"You must be growing again," mum said as she watched me. "Normally you eat like a bird."

"We hung out at the park all day today too though," I said. "They wanted to play tag even though they're fourteen."

This was the truth. Zachary had introduced me to his friends and one of the girls suggested we play tag. It was something I hadn't played since primary school. There was something called Wizard tag at Hogwarts, but I had never played it with my friends. It was something that I figured Ben wouldn't want to try and I wasn't sure about Ashley or Michael. I was surprised that a bunch of people who were fourteen wanted to play. No one at Hogwarts played past second year.

"I wish you could have taken me then," Timmy spoke up.

"It was a grown up tag," I said to him.

It actually hadn't been. It was probably something that a bunch of eight or nine-year-olds would play. With the tag that we played, you had to tackle the person rather than just touch them. I could see my brother playing it with his little friends. Although a few boys had pinned down some of us girls.

"I want to play next time," Timmy insisted.

"If we play next time then you can," I said just to shut him up. "I'm tired though. After dinner I just want to lay down."

"Is your homework finished?" Mum asked.

"I just have Muggle Studies to do, but I'll do it tomorrow," I told her.

"You do look tired," mum said looking at me and I hoped she wouldn't notice that my eyes were bloodshot.

"I am," I said. "Just too much air and running around."

When I went into my room later, I did lay down and close my eyes to think about Ben. I just wished so much he would notice me. Maybe I needed to snog more boys around him to make him jealous. I figured I could use Quidditch and other boys to get his attention. I knew our love for Quidditch was the key, but I also had to get him to feel jealous like he did when it came to Ashley. I closed my eyes and thought about what I usually did when it came to our first kiss. It was a Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley situation. I would win for Hufflepuff, and he would kiss me in the common room. With that on my mind, I fell asleep.

When we got back to school, I did start snogging random boys. It wasn't just to make Ben jealous, but I wanted Devon to see that I'd moved on as well. I even kissed his best friends Nathan and Charlie. He was obviously over me though because he didn't care.

I even kissed Ted from Ravenclaw even though I didn't like him. He was actually a very good snogger but his downfall was that he was still in love with Ashley. Anytime we kissed, he would bring her up. What was it about her? She wasn't that pretty, so why did some of the boys I liked had to talk about her when he kissed. I supposed I understood how Greg and maybe even Devon felt.

Ben once asked me about this.

"I didn't think you'd ever want Ted. I thought you found him to be a git," Ben said to me and I looked at his face to see if there was any jealousy. There didn't appear to be any.

"He's an arrogant git but he's cute. We don't have to talk when we snog," I answered him but I added truthfully: "I don't know how much longer I am going to snog him though. The conversation always goes back to Ashley and I am sick of it."

Ben frowned at me.

"What was that tone about?" He asked me. "You're not still upset with her about telling Devon off are you?"

"No, we talked about that," I answered. I'd actually forgotten about that. "I can't really get upset about that. Look how many of us told Denver off. I even slapped him for it. No I'm not upset with her at all."

"So what's the problem?" Ben pressed. "There was definitely a tone there."

Of course he had to be worried about her. Guaranteed if someone had talked that way about me, he wouldn't react like that. So I just decided to tell him the truth about how I was so sick of her insecurities when it came to boys. So many wanted her, and I always had to hear about it. Yet she would bitch and complain about how Denver was the only for her. I was so sure that Ben wanted her at the moment even though him and me were meant to be. I just wished he would realize it soon.

"Just the way she looks at herself sometimes," I answered. "It's so frustrating. She always goes into her insecurities but there are boys who want her. Sometimes I think even Jared wants her. She's so much better than she was in our first year. She's my best friend too, so I hate bad mouthing her. It's just sometimes she can fall back into that annoying self-pity she gets into. She keeps going on about how boys don't like her, but they do. All those boys that she went out with are ones I helped set her up with. It's because they wanted to be with her, but she still has that insecurity and it's why the dates never work. I've told her so many bloody times that insecurity is a turn off to boys, but she doesn't listen."

"Well as frustrating as it can be, a lot of people don't help with that," he replied. "Especially Michael and me when in first year. Look how much we insulted her! We stopped- well Michael still does it when he's drunk, but he tries his best not to. It's other people though. So many people keep insulting her looks. We need to keep telling her that she looks good. She knows she isn't beautiful, but she can look good. When she dresses up, I feel that we should tell her as much as we can that she looks great and not just us, but other people. Why do think Jared is constantly complimenting her? It's because he wants to make up for the past."

"I always tell Ashley that she looks good," I told him. Even when she didn't look good I told her that she did. He did have a point when it came to that. If we complimented her more, she likely would stop insulting herself. He was right that people did call her ugly. "But we can't just do it when she dresses up Ben. She'll think she can only look good if she goes all out. She needs to be told she looks good even when she has messy hair, dirt on her face, and her robes are ripped after a Herbology lesson."

Ashley always looked terrible after a Herbology lesson. No one could understand why, but it was as if she fought with the plants every time. Sure I would end up dirty as well, but it would just be dirt smudges on my face and hands. She looked as if she'd been rolling around in dirt or something. She always wore the same ripped robes to a lesson and her hair which she usually straightened would end up frizzing up.

"But she does look good like that," Ben said and I stared at him. How could he possibly think that? Not even I would look good like that.

Perhaps it was just because we both knew her so well. Everyone found it funny that she looked as if she'd been in a fight, and I believed that was what he meant by it. There was something cute about it, so I pushed away any jealousy I felt when he said that. Even Michael believed it was funny. If it was anyone else, people would find it weird, but not with her.

"Fair enough," I admitted. "She does look cute when you think about it. Anyway, that's the point Ben. It's as you said, we all need to try and compliment her. She's good for the most part, but it's not healthy for her to feel that she can never be in a relationship again. Sometimes I still don't think shes over Denver even though she says she is. We all agreed that we're going to stay single for third year, but I think next year we need to help her more."

"Well we need to get her past those insecurities first," Ben replied. "We need to help her ignore the ones who don't care about her, and listen to the ones who do. So then that way you won't feel resentment for her insecurities anymore."

I could tell that Ben was judging me when he said that. Someone like me couldn't possibly understand how she felt, and that's basically what he was implying. He was annoyed with me for feeling the resentment. I knew he was right though. I was her best friend and I didn't know what she went through. I would always have someone who wanted me and they always told me.

"I know it sounds bad," I admitted, "and I don't even like Ted but it's just annoying how some of the blokes I kiss ask about her because they want her, and then she moans about how boys don't like her. Jared and I have snogged a few times, and he talks about her so much. It makes me think he does want her, even though he tells everyone he is picky and he has high standards. It's why I wish she'd realize that looks aren't everything. One of the boys I do like likes her, well at least sometimes I think he does. I just worry he'll pick her over me. It's that competitive side of me that I have, and I just would hate to lose to a girl not as pretty. I know that sounds so incredibly shallow."

I wondered if Ben knew I was talking about him. I had a feeling he did. At times I thought that he knew how I felt and it was why he treated me like I had the lurgy. Any other boy in his shoes would be thrilled. Even Jared would be thrilled. However, Ben acted as if it was wrong for me to like him. I also knew that I was shallow, but I was right. The prettier girl did get the boy, and it was why it bothered me about Ben. Him and me would look good together.

"It is extremely shallow," he told me, "but I always knew that about you anyway. I've always known that you hate losing to another girl, and not the rejection itself."

"I've never been rejected," I told him. I didn't count the break ups as rejection. "Not yet anyway, but sometimes I feel that way when blokes talk about her, or really any girl."

And I hated it when I knew that the girl liked him back. There was a time when I'd never believed I'd compete with my best friend. At times I would wonder if that was why I chose her out of all the girls to talk on the first day of first year. One of the reasons had been because she was shy, but at that point no one had a best friend yet. I could have talked to any one of the girls, but it was Ashley. Was it because I'd thought deep down that a shy friend wouldn't compete with me? Now she was growing into a confident person, she had other girl friends besides me, the boys were noticing her, and she was doing really well in school. She still struggled with some classes, but it wasn't like first year. I had to wonder if we'd met now, and I knew all that about her if I'd be her friend.

"But Ellen, if a bloke ever does pick her over you, I hope you won't do anything stupid," Ben said interrupting my thoughts. "It's just; you will always have no problem finding someone. She always will because of her insecurities or because certain blokes won't take the time to get to know her. When someone does like her, he'll truly like her for her. So you'll be ruining something for her and the guy as well."

"I know," I sighed and I felt sad that it could be Ben. He was the one I loved, but it seemed he loved her. And then I thought about the other thing he'd said and added: "See, that's another part of her that bothers me. Boys only like me for how pretty I am. Boys liked Ted, or even Jared if I am right about him, like her for her. So they'll always like her, but for me they just want the opportunity for snogging... or well more."

"Or more..." Ben said slowly and he looked annoyed. Was that jealousy there? "Please tell me you haven't."

I believed it had to be jealousy. Was he jealous because he thought I'd had sex and I was younger, or was it the idea of me having sex. Maybe this is what would make him realize it was me that he wanted and not Ashley. I wondered if I should tell him that while I hadn't had sex, I'd done other things. I hesitated moment before shaking my head. He didn't need to know quite yet.

"No," I answered. "But you know eventually it will come to that, and I know that some boys will just want me for shagging, just like right now they just want me for snogging. It might happen to Ashley sometimes from the more hornier boys but for the most part it's because the boy is her boyfriend and he wants sex with his girlfriend."

Mum and Elizabeth had both told me that it would eventually happen. I knew they were right. Someday boys would just want to shag me just because they wanted to shag a hot girl. With a girl like Ashley, that likely wouldn't happen. Not unless they were really drunk, but it wouldn't be a sober decision.

"Sounds like you're insecure yourself and about Ashley. I never thought that would happen," Ben said.

"Well it's as we've both said, we know looks don't matter," I replied, but I knew that they did to an extent.

"Not about that," Ben replied. "It's just you've always been confident, and you've loved holding that over her head. I've heard some of the things you've said to her. So I am just surprised to see you get insecure about her."

"I'm not always as confident as I let on," I admitted. "I have my insecurities too. You can be insecure about anything, it doesn't have to be about looks. Mine is about my looks, but not because I don't think I am pretty, but because I wonder how many people actually like me beyond my looks. I am know I am pretty, and I know most of the time I will win, but I also know personality is important and I know it can triumph over looks. So that's why she frustrates me because those boys like her for her. They like me but only because they want to snog a beautiful girl. It bothers me."

It was something that Ben should have understood as well because it happened to him to. So many girls wanted him, but not all them wanted anything beyond snogging. Some girls didn't even like him, but they'd be happy to have him just to show off. He must have known that. He couldn't be naive enough to believe that every single girl was in love with him for him.

"I get it," Ben answered. "It happens with me too. Most of these psycho girls just want me because of how I look and because I am smart. At least with Michael, he knows Anne is in love with him."

So he did get it. This was something else that made me believe that he was the one for me. We both could relate to this. So eventually he would fall in love with me because we both liked each other for our looks and our personalities. He understood me so well, and he'd even said that he'd always known what I was like. I couldn't help smiling at all this.

"Well at least someone understands me. Anyway, you're right. We'll see about getting people to compliment her. If we do, she might leave the rest of the insecurity behind," I said.

"Exactly," Ben said with a grin back. "So, anymore Quidditch tips?"

This made me smile even more. I nodded and I looked into his eyes. He had such gorgeous eyes. He stared back, and for a moment our eyes locked. It was there. I knew it was. It would just take some time before he realized it. At least I knew it. This thing with Ashley was just a temporary thing. Boys at fourteen didn't know what they wanted anyway. Mum had told me that it was all about lust at our ages, and that was what it was with him. With me, I already knew. I didn't want to break our intimate moment, but I did.

"You know I always do," I said not losing my grin. "Let's go out and practice."

Ben sighed. "I'd love to, but I can't. I have to finish this essay. For once I actually left one to the last moment."

I sighed. "That's too bad, and so not you. You have to stop letting the girls distract you."

"I know. We'll fly on Sunday," Ben said.

"Well I am going to go out anyway," I said standing up. "It's too nice to stay in here. It's finally getting warm again. I'll talk to you later."

"Have fun," Ben called as I walked off. I continued to grin. Normally he would nag at me, but this time he was telling me to have fun. I believed at that moment something had changed in our relationship. He understood me so well.

As I left the common room and entered the corridors, I heard someone calling my name. I turned to see a girl slightly shorter than me following me. She was a cute little thing. She actually put me in mind of myself. She was small with blond hair and blue eyes. She also had a broomstick in her hand. I'd never seen her before, but I figured she must have been a second year if she had a broomstick.

"Yes," I said pausing.

"I really want to take the Chaser's place next year," she said to me. "I know it's a seventh year. I'm really good at flying. My daddy has been teaching me since I was about four-years-old. Madame Hooch actually had me help out a bit in flying lessons this year. I wondered if you could help me train. You're so amazing. You're already better than the older kids on the team and you're thirteen!"

She stared up at me with such admiration that I couldn't help but give in. I'd never thought that I would have a younger kid besides Timmy look up to me.

"Sure, I am going out right to fly," I told her. "I wanted Ben to practice with me but he is doing homework."

"I know," she said and then blushed. "I couldn't help but overhear. As soon as I saw you leave, I followed. My name is Martha Barker by the way. I'm a first year."

"And yet you have a broom?" I asked as I eyed her broomstick. It was a Nimbus two thousand so I knew it wasn't a school broom.

She blushed again and shrugged. "What they don't know won't hurt them. I couldn't leave it at home. Dad bought it for me when I got my letter. It took him a long time to save up for it because we had to hide when You-Know-Who took over and so we didn't have money. It would mean a lot to him if I could get on the team."

"A fellow rule breaker," I said and then I put an arm around her. "I like you already Martha. Let's go to the Quidditch pitch then."

"Thank you so much," she said excitedly. "Do you think Ben could join us sometime? He is so cute."

I tried not to show my annoyance with the small girl. I was going to have to learn to get used to the fact that other girls thought he was cute. I shook my head and her face fell with disappointment.

"I don't want to tell anyone Martha because I want you to be a secret weapon," I said.

The idea had just come to me. I could teach her so much and not tell anyone. I would wait until the try-outs to introduce her to the team. That meant that at times we would have to train at night as well. We would have to sneak out.

"Secret weapon?" She repeated and I nodded before I explained my plan to her. "Ooh I like that idea. I won't tell my friends either then. I'll practice hard Ellen, I promise. I won't let you down. I am good though. I am not trying to brag, but I've just been flying and playing for so long."

"I believe you," I said to her.

Down in the Quidditch Pitch after I'd grabbed my broom from the shed, I told her to fly some laps first before we took out the Quaffles. I just wanted to see how she was at flying first. She was right. She was very good at flying. After she flew a few laps, I decided we could try with the Quaffle's next. She impressed me so much. She was going to work so well with both Ben and me. It was as if it was in her blood but according to her, her father was muggleborn and her mother was a muggle. Her father hadn't played in school, but he'd wanted her to have the opportunity to.

"We'll practice early and late," I told her. "You're amazing but there is always room for improvement, and I mean that for both of us. If we work together, you'll be guaranteed a spot on the team."

"And if I don't can we still play together sometimes?" She asked me.

"Yes, but I really don't think anyone has a chance. There are other good players but you're a natural," I told her.

In a way, I wished I could tell people what I was doing because it was something a captain would do. When we started our sixth year, it would go to either Ben or me. I was the better player, but he had better marks. He always would, and Professor Sprout would likely choose him over me for that reason. She'd already given me some warnings that I had to keep my marks up if I wanted to stay on the team. I didn't get how school work had anything to do with Quidditch, but she seemed to think so. So I had to put in the extra effort. I would make a better captain than Ben would. I knew it was his dream to be a Prefect, Quidditch Captain and Head Boy someday, but I didn't care. I wanted that badge so much that it hurt.

I decided that I would tell everyone next year what I'd been doing. Martha was good in her own way, but she was going to get better and it would be because of me. Ben would probably be so impressed with what I was doing as well that he would fall in love with me. Not only was I good with one of the younger students (something he admired in Ashley) but because I was helping her with Quidditch, something he loved, and something he liked about me.

So for the rest of our last term, I worked with her. My mum wouldn't be happy to know that I let it effect my school work. Most of my time was spent snogging different boys, practicing Quidditch or just hanging out. I did my school work at the last moment, and I didn't even care. I figured I would pass and I would be in the average like usual. I could do the spell work and that was all that mattered to me. Professor Sprout, mum and Ben didn't realize it, but I was preparing for my future. For me, I saw school work the same way Ben saw Quidditch. It was important, but not as important as Quidditch because it was my career. Quidditch was important to Ben but not as important as school. We both had our passions and that was why we were so similar.

As exams approached, I felt a little nervous, but as we wrote them and did the practicals, I felt that I did well enough. The marks went up at the end of term and I saw that I'd dropped a couple places in the average, but I was still doing well enough. This time I didn't feel annoyance that Ashley was doing better. It was expected because she worked harder. I knew that if she had my kind of attitude she would fail, so that proved right there that I was smarter than her.

We had our usual end of term party and none of the older students bothered us about drinking. The year before they had, but I guessed now that we were at the end of third year, they didn't care. I just wanted Ashley to drink for once. She usually wouldn't. She had nothing against it, she just wanted to wait until she was older when she thought that she could handle it. However, she was going to be fifteen in September. I figured at this point that she was ready.

"You've twisted my arm," Ashley said to me with a smile when I handed her a rum and pumpkin juice drink. "This is my best year so far when it comes to exams. I thought for sure I'd fail Arithmancy but I did surprisingly well. So I think it's time to celebrate."

"Good for you," I said. "I've been hoping that you would join us soon. It is fun you know. It makes you feel great."

"I'm sure it does and I've wanted to try. I was just worried about drinking too young. I've seen what hangovers do to people. I just think now that I am older, I can handle it better than my sister could at twelve," she answered and she took a sip of it. "But I don't want to get falling down drunk like some of you lot do."

"Trust me," I told her. "You can get a hang-over at any age."

"I know, but I think I can handle it better now," she answered and she took another sip.

I wanted to do some shots. She kept away from those, but she switched back and forth between pumpkin juice and rum and butterbeer. I was getting to the drunk level, and I could tell that she was buzzed. She was smiling and laughing more than usual. I found myself eventually on Stan's lap. I didn't see Hank around anywhere so I didn't know how he'd react, but something told me he wouldn't care. He had to know that at times I'd snogged Jared. I could tell that Stan wanted me, and I wanted him as well. He was such an attractive bloke. So I leaned forward and kissed him. He seemed more than eager to kiss me.

"Perhaps we should find somewhere more private," Stan said to me.

I wondered just how much he had done with other girls. He hadn't had many girlfriends but he did snog random girls. He might have done other things with them. I smiled at him and nodded.

"Boy's dorms?" He whispered. "No one will notice."

"Let's go then," I said.

I wondered exactly what he wanted from me. Was he hoping that we'd shag? What had Hank told him? I didn't want to have sex with him. If it got to that point, I would stop him. However, I did stand up and allow him to lead me to the boys dorms. No one was paying attention to us. They were all dancing around and singing. I felt annoyance when I saw Ben spin Ashley around to a fast song and then dip her. She was wearing a tight fitting blue dress I'd picked out for her. He had one hand on her waist, and another on her back. The jealousy I felt at that moment almost made me want to shag him.

Once we got to the boys dorms, I took a look around. I'd never been in their dormitory before. It wasn't much different from the girls, but it was messier. I glanced at Ben's bed to see that it was nice and neat. There was an Arithmancy book on his night stand. Stan led me across the room to his own bed. He sat down and pulled me down beside him.

"I don't want to shag," I said nervously.

"I just wanted some privacy," he said with a smile. "I'm not sure how Hank would react to us snogging."

"What if he comes down here?" I asked.

"He won't. He's usually the last to come down here when we have parties. None of the other blokes will say anything if they see you," Stan answered. "It's one of the unwritten rules of our dorm. If we have a girl in here, we leave and we don't say a word."

Feeling better, I kissed him again. We spent the rest of the night just snogging on his bed. It came to a point where he climbed into the bed and shut the curtains. We didn't remove a lot of clothes, but my shirt did come off, and his pants did. He'd apparently done more with girls than snogging because he knew what he was doing. I thought it was the perfect way to end the school year. I couldn't help but wish for more with Stan. With Devon, I hadn't wanted to, but for some reason with Stan, I could imagine actually shagging him. That thought really scared me too.

The summer wasn't really that much different from the year before. I was baby-sitting Timmy again that year. He was now nine-years-old and he seemed to want more independence this year. I was glad about that. I'd felt the same way at his age, except I hadn't been able to get it because of You-Know-Who. We hadn't been in hiding when I'd been nine, but he had just started his reign of terror. I hadn't been allowed to go outside alone back then. Timmy was allowed to even go down to the pool on his own. There was a life guard to watch him after all.

I was relieved by this. Sometimes Zachary wanted to hang out in my flat instead of by the pool so we could snog. So I would send Timmy downstairs and he would come over. I knew mum wouldn't approve of this, but I felt that as long as I checked up on him once and a while, it was fine. He would stay in the pool from morning until it closed if he could. He had friends his own age too, so that helped. Once and a while we'd go downstairs, or I'd watch him from the balcony.

I would only let Zachary come in though. He wanted to invite his friends over as well, but this was one thing I put my foot down about. It was one thing to snog him, it was another to let his friends in to drink or smoke weed. I didn't want any of that around when I was supposed to be watching my brother. If something happened to him, I didn't want one of us drunk or high. Fortunately Zachary was okay with this.

"Do you have any single friends for my friend Ashley?" I asked him one afternoon. She was coming over for the weekend.

We were actually trying to get Michael to come over to our places as well. Mum had even offered him our couch. She'd written to him personally. We all knew that his home life wasn't good. He didn't talk about it as much as he used to, but we all knew it wasn't the proper place for a fourteen-year-old boy. We knew that it was very messy and smelly because they didn't clean. Usually he had to clean it up. From what I also understood, his father wasn't very nice to him and his mother just ignored him. They had changed apparently. He'd told us that at one time they'd shown him love, but they didn't anymore. Michael wouldn't take us up on our offers though. He would come for weekends to visit one of us, but he wouldn't stay. He always used his jobs as an excuse, but I thought he was too proud.

"Any one of the boys," Zachary answered. "They're all single."

"And they aren't picky about looks?" I asked.

I felt like I was having deja-vu. I remembered having a similar conversation with Drew and Elizabeth the year before. I hadn't seen them since Christmas and it made me think that they had moved. I didn't think they could be hiding from me that much. I believed Elizabeth had once said the flat was just temporary until they could find a house.

"Unless she looks like the Bride of Frankenstein, I am sure they won't care," he answered. "The way you've gone on about her, I would think she scares children or something."

"I don't go on about her," I said.

"You're complaining that she isn't pretty and yet some boys notice her more than you, including that Ben bloke who I believe you fancy," Zachary answered.

"Does that bother you?" I asked wondering if I was annoying him. I hadn't realized that I'd talked about her or even Ben that much.

"This is just a friends with benefits relationship Ellen. It's not as if I wait for you to come home from school," he answered. "You're not the only girl and I know I am not the only boy. So am I right about Ben?"

"Don't tell him or her for that matter," I answered without really answering but he got the gist of it anyway.

"I won't, but I wonder when you will," he said. "If he is smart he'll go for you. As for Ashley, I don't know what to say. I don't know what she looks like. Do you have any pictures?"

We were in the living-room. There was nothing magical in the living-room so I knew it was a safe bet. I hated having to hide my magical stuff anytime I invited someone over, so I just stopped letting people in my room. It was another reason for why I didn't want his friends coming over when I was baby-sitting. I didn't want them to find something they shouldn't.

I remembered that I did have a framed picture of Ashley and me taken by her mother during our Easter holidays. We'd been sitting on her porch and talking. Ms. Dunning had told us to smile. So we'd put our arms around each other and smiled. It had turned out so well that I couldn't help but frame it. Later I would put in the scrapbook, but for now I wanted it to be framed. I had it on my night stand along with some other pictures of my friends. That was one of the few that didn't move around.

So I got up quickly and hurried into my room to get it. I showed it to Zachary who nodded.

"I'm sure someone will be interested enough, but she isn't that bad looking. She's a bit androgynous looking, but she has pretty eyes and a nice complexion," he answered.

"Androgynous looking?" I asked with confusion. I'd never heard that word before. It sounded like a Ben word.

"She has some masculine features," he said. "She has a big nose and her jaw line is kind of masculine."

"Blokes notice features like that?" I asked. I'd never thought about what made someone look feminine or masculine, but as I looked at her photo I could see what he meant.

"It depends on the person really. Some people don't and some do," Zachary said with a shrug. "It's just that sometimes certain features look better on someone who is male or someone who is female. You have a very feminine face. It's something I've always noticed, but my friend Darren wouldn't be able to tell you the difference."

"People have said she looks more like her father," I said.

"Darren actually would like her I think. He likes brunettes," Zachary continued. "I'll talk to him tonight. Will she smoke weed?"

We'd smoked it together a few times, but I wasn't sure what she would think. I didn't really want her to know about it.

"She might not. I don't think she'd judge, she knows people who do and she doesn't care, but I just don't think we should with her. We can all drink, but let's just leave the weed out of it for her visit," I said. "I really don't want my friends to know I smoke it yet. Maybe someday I'll tell them but I think Ben would be judgmental about it."

"Ah, and I wouldn't want to stand in the way of true love," Zachary said with a grin and a wink. I was glad to see he was easy-going about this. It wasn't going to be like Drew had been the year before.

"Maybe this year I can convince her to wear a bikini," I said. "She has a lovely body but she hides it."

Zachary shrugged as if this didn't matter to him, and it likely didn't. I just wanted us to have another couple of boys to hang out with again that summer. Perhaps we could make it tradition every year. Even though nothing had happened between her and Eric, they'd still had fun together. She told me he'd even written to her a couple of times. They had exchanged addresses at the end of summer last year. He'd written to let her know that he and the girl he liked got together and to thank her for her advice. I found that a bit ironic and I wondered if she would ever take her own advice.

She surprised me that year however. She wore a light blue bikini that her mother had apparently picked out for her. I felt jealous when she stood in front of me in it. Of course I'd seen her in her bra and knickers several times but it was different to see her in my room where the lighting was better, and in the Hufflepuff bathroom where it was lit my torches. She already had a tan, but she also had what I thought was the perfect female body. Her breasts were the perfect size whereas mine were so small. In short, she had a very nice figure and I felt like I looked like a child compared to her still.

"Why are you staring?" She asked when she saw that I couldn't take my eyes off her.

"You look hot," I said honestly.

"I only like boys Ellen," she joked as she looked at herself in the mirror. "I always thought for sure you did too."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Don't worry, I haven't fallen in love with you. I can admit when a girl looks good though, and you definitely do."

"This isn't part of the 'boost Ashley's confidence' plan is it?" She asked still smiling. "I mean, I'm not trying to sound insecure or even paranoid, but it's hard for me not to notice that everyone has suddenly started complimenting me. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I really do, but I just feel like everyone is in on it. Michael will insult me behind my back or when he's drunk, but he told me I looked amazing in the dress I was wearing at the end of the year party."

I knew that Ben's plan would backfire and she would guess something wasn't right. I wasn't sure what to say to that.

"I don't know what you mean, but I am being honest," I told her. "I always knew you had a figure but it's different seeing you like this."

"Well thanks," she said with a smile. "I don't think I've ever been called hot before."

"Well you know how girls can be," I told her. "When a girl tells another girl that she is hot, she means it."

"There is truth to that," she said. "But you would never insult me anyway. Well, hurry up and change as well so we can meet these boys. I am curious about Zachary. You've written about him so much."

She must have forgotten when I'd insulted her in second year. I just hoped that she would never find out about some of my bitter thoughts. They were coming more and more and at times I complained to my mother about it. My mother always took her side instead of mine too. I started calling her the second daughter that my mother never had, and for some reason this annoyed my mother even more.

"Stop with the jealousy Ellen," mum had snapped the other night. "You know I love you, but I am not going to sit here and insult someone who is supposed to be your best friend with you. She does better than you in school because she works harder, and you also know full well that most boys will always choose you over her."

She was the only person I willingly admitted my feelings about Ben right away. Anyone else who knew had guessed. She was my mum however. She thought I needed to move on thought. She'd told me more than once that if Ben liked Ashley more than me that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I doubted my mother would ever tell her some of the things I'd said though. I did worry sometimes that Lindsay, Ben or worse, Michael would.

"I'm not in love with him," I told her but I grabbed my new purple bikini. I'd grown out of my red one which was unfortunate. I had really liked it. I planned to buy a similar one soon. I thought red was my colour just like blue or pink were Ashley's. She also usually looked good in yellow as well. It was something about bright or light colours with her skin. "He's just fun to hang out with. Maybe if he went to Hogwarts, but at least I don't have to worry about another Drew situation."

I left the room to go to the bathroom to change. At times I still wished I lived at dad's home. I had my own little bathroom there. Timmy and me had only been there once that summer. I really wasn't happy with this once a year visitation when it came to him, but I tried not to dwell on it. At least he did see my brother more. He did actually write a little more the year before, and he had come over to see us for Christmas. I had wanted to go to his place, but he'd said no. I hoped that we would see him again that summer. I pushed thoughts about my father away however. I didn't want to be in a bad mood, and that would make me angry.

"Have you talked to him this summer?" Ashley asked when I returned to my room.

"We went over for a weekend," I answered her.

"Over where?" Ashley asked with confusion.

I realized that she was talking about Drew. My father was still on my mind.

"Sorry, you meant Drew?"I asked her and she nodded still looking confused. "No, I think they moved out. I haven't seen him or Elizabeth since Christmas. I'm not that fussed. They were people to pass the time with."

"So who were you talking about then?" She asked

"Dad, I was just thinking about him," I said.

"He still doesn't see you two as much? I don't get it," she said.

"Neither do I," I said. "But I don't want to talk about dad. I don't want to be in a bad mood. I shouldn't have been thinking about him," and I moved to stand in front of my mirror to look at myself.

"You look really good as well. You're really growing up Ellen," Ashley said as I looked at myself. I still thought I looked younger though. I would be fourteen soon, but I thought I could pass for twelve soon and I told her this.

"Not really," she answered. "You're small, but you are so beautiful. I don't think too many people would mistake you as twelve. You don't have that child look anymore."

"That's good to hear," I said. "I just hope that boys will agree with that."

"And I just hope that boys will think I am hot," she said.

"I'm sure they will," I said. "Let's go though. Timmy might trail us down there, but it's fine. He is more independent this year."

"I don't mind Timmy," she said to me. "I just hope he still wants story time."

Usually she read him books before he went to bed. I wasn't sure if he would still want that or not. He usually read on his own now, but he still adored her. I just gave a small shrug and beckoned for her to follow me. We both grabbed a towel and then headed to the door. Timmy was watching some kids show on the telly. He didn't really pay much attention to us which I was glad about. I just hoped he wouldn't follow us down later.

We found Zachary and his gang hanging out by the pool. Regina, a friend of his glared at me the moment she spotted us. I had a feeling that she wanted him, but he never really gave her the time of day. I didn't really understand why. She was a little bitchy, but she was beautiful. He didn't want a girlfriend, so why couldn't he just throw her a bone and snog her? Zachary noticed me and he smiled and then his eyes fell on Ashley. I didn't like the way he looked at her. His eyes widened as he stared. A few of his mates noticed him and they looked to see what he was staring at. If Ashley thought that boys didn't notice her, she was wrong. All of them were staring at her. Why weren't they staring at me? Of course they had seen me in a bikini almost everyday, but I still didn't get it. Of course I'd been honest when I'd told her she looked hot, but when someone like me was next to her, it should have been me who everyone noticed.

I glanced at Ashley to see how she was handling this attention. It was the first time she'd worn a bikini in public. She looked a little uncomfortable, but I didn't know if it was because she was meeting new people or because the boys were all looking at her. I didn't think she'd have any problem with finding someone to hang out with while Zachary and me hung out. I hated the fact that he was looking her up and down the way he was. I cleared my throat with irritation which seemed to make him lose his focus on her.

"Ashley," he said glancing at me and then her again. "Ellen has told me so much about you. I'm Zachary and this is the gang," and he introduced each of his mates. Regina was still glaring at me, but she looked away to give Ashley a small smile before she focused on me again. I didn't really care. I was used to girls looking at me the way she was, so it didn't bother me. I just hated how Zachary was reacting to my friend.

"What's wrong with you?" Zachary asked me later on.

Regina didn't seem to have a problem with Ashley. The two of them were sitting on the edge of the pool and talking to each other. She must not have felt threatened by her.

"You couldn't seem to take your eyes off Ashley," I said. "You were practically drooling."

"Seriously Ellen?" Zachary asked and he rolled his eyes. "You were worrying that my mates might be picky because of her looks, and now you're unhappy because we notice that she looks good. You weren't wrong about how competitive you are. Don't forget, this is just a summer fling."

"I know, but I am the girl you're hanging out with," I said.

"I'm going to notice other cute girls," he answered. "No wonder Hank got annoyed with you."

I wished I hadn't told him so much about my life. I'd confided so much to him not realizing that he would throw it all back in my face.

"It was the other way around," I said. "Why are you being like this?"

"Because I am not going to put up with this Ellen. I like you, but I don't want you acting like a jealous girlfriend. We aren't dating. Please don't make me regret hanging out with you. I have a lot of fun when we do. Most of my friends like you too," he answered.

"Regina doesn't like me," I said glancing at her.

"Regina doesn't like any girl I show interest in," he replied with a shrug. "It's why I don't do anything with her. So please don't be jealous or else I'll have to ignore you like I do with her. I used to snog her too, but she started acting like you are."

"Fine I get your point," I said with a smile. "I just didn't like how everyone noticed Ashley but not me. I am prettier than her after all. I know she looks good, but most people notice me before her."

"But none of us have ever seen her before. We see you everyday," Zachary explained. "Most of these blokes will choose you over her, but they're going to notice a hot girl when they haven't seen her before."

I was going to have to tell Ashley that he'd called her hot. She'd wanted a boy to call her that. In the past, I thought that someone's face had to be beautiful to be called hot, but it wasn't just about that. It was definitely about the body too. It was about sex appeal, and she most certainly had it. Even at that moment the boys were looking at her. In a way, I hoped she wouldn't wear her bikini around Ben. He didn't need to stare at her more than he already did.

"I guess so," I said. "Look, I am sorry. I got angry when Drew acted like this last year. I just hate it when the boys I am hanging out with notice her more than me. I snog boys at school and they sometimes talk about her with me."

"You've told me this," he said. "You talk about her insecurities but I think it's the other way around. You need to get past that. I am telling you this as a friend. You are beautiful but it's not a bad thing if they notice her too. It doesn't mean that we haven't noticed you either. We're always going to notice more than one girl."

"I know," I said. "It's that competitive part of me again."

So I tried my best for the rest of the weekend to hide that part of me. I didn't want to be like Regina was after all, especially when it came to my best friend. I forgot all about that anyway when Ashley revealed something very shocking.

Even though Timmy read himself at night, he was still eager for her to read to him. So while she read to him, I got the bed ready for us. I was sitting on my side of the bed in my night gown when she walked in. I was looking through my scrapbook when she sat down on the edge of my bed.

"So my mum is getting married," she told me.

I was just pasting a picture in my book when she said this. I dropped the glue and stared at her.

"But you told me that they just started dating," I said. "I thought she just met him this summer."

I was trying to remember everything she'd told me in the letters that she had sent me. I was sure that she had just mentioned this Terry bloke very recently. I knew she liked him. She'd written about him very enthusiastically. Apparently her sister wasn't happy about this new relationship however.

"They did," she answered. "They're planning on eloping."

"She told you about this?" I asked and she shook her head.

"No, I overheard mum talking about it. They're doing it this weekend. Tomorrow in fact," she said. "August fifth."

"And you're here instead of there?" I asked. "Are you upset about it?"

"Not about the marriage. They've only been together a short time, but he's made her happier than I can remember her being in a long time. I just wished we'd been invited," Ashley said. "I'm kind of angry that they're doing this. So I don't mind being here instead of there. She didn't even mention anything when I left. So I bet on Sunday she'll tell me all about it."

"I never thought your mum would elope," I said.

"Neither did we. Jaime is going to be so angry about it," Ashley said. "I didn't tell her about it. I just found out and then I was came here. She really isn't home much as it is, but I think this will make it worse. Mum said her and Jaime haven't been getting along for a while."

"Well she did drop out of school," I said. "Mum gets on my case about my grades as it is, but she'd lose it if I dropped out. I just hope your mum isn't making a big mistake."

"I don't think she is," Ashley replied. "He is a great guy. He's so good to us, and he even puts up with Jaime's attitude, and he knows about me. He is okay with it."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

The glue was slowly seeping onto my bed but I wasn't paying attention. I was still staring at her. I was waiting for her to tell me that it was all a joke.

"I accidentally left my Charms book out. I didn't know he was going to come over. I told him about it, and he thought it was a joke at first, but then the owl flew in. I showed him my wand and everything," she explained. "I did worry at first of course. I didn't want to ruin a relationship for mum because she is so happy, so I was ready to send a letter to Ben to see if there was a way to obliviate him. However, he took it so well. He called it brilliant. He talked to mum about it afterwards. And then I overheard them talking about getting married."

"He must be a keeper then," I said. "It's not often a muggle is okay with it."

"Well I would have done everything I could to fix their relationship if he freaked out," Ashley said. "Mum needs someone in her life. I hadn't planned to tell him, but I was careless. I should have known not to leave my Charms book out because Jaime's friends usually walk in when they want, and so does Pat. However, Jaime hasn't been home lately and Pat wasn't home."

"I think it's a good thing. What if they had eloped and he found out afterwards and left her? He wants to marry her even finding out that you're magical. I am very happy for your mum and I will tell her that later. He's definitely a good one. Mum told me she met a muggle man, and he freaked out when Timmy had a magical temper-tantrum. So good for your mum. I think you and your mum and eventually Jaime will be happy with him," I said.

And I truly was happy for her mother. She'd been alone for so long and I knew her first marriage hadn't been a good one. This man obviously loved her if he wanted to elope with her even with a magical daughter. I was still shocked that Ashley was at my place instead with her mum for her wedding.

"I just don't think mum wanted us there. I mean, I could surprise her, but she was very insistent that I come here," Ashley said. "It's best to respect her wishes and let her tell us. You'll like him I think though, and so will Ben and Michael. I think he really does want to be my dad. It feels good knowing that."

I could respect a man who wanted to be a father to someone elses children. I couldn't wait to meet him. Later on it did make me think bitter thoughts about my own father. I didn't know Terry, but I respected him more than my own father. He was marrying a woman with two teenaged girls and he wanted to be part of their lives. One was being a bitch to him, and the other would be weird in his eyes. My father had basically turned his back on us. He saw Timmy maybe one weekend a month, if that, and I barely saw him. That said a lot about him.

Once I saw that Ashley was asleep (we'd had to get mum to come in and clean up the glue) I began to weep. She didn't know just how lucky she really was. I wanted her life instead of mine.


	7. Wins and Losses

The school year started, and I realized I was actually going to miss Zachary and his friends. My own friends were fun of course, but they did more things that teenagers typically did. Besides Michael, I wasn't sure if mine would ever smoke weed. I really liked the way it made me feel, other than when it made me paranoid. They'd even had me try weed brownies. I didn't know that you could actually do that, and it gave the body an amazing buzz. I'd also enjoyed the freedom of that summer with them. I really hadn't felt too much stress when it came to Ben because I didn't see him. It was harder when we all hung out together.

Once we returned to the castle, it was even harder because I had to see him all the time again and around Ashley or other girls. Ashley and Ben were still as affectionate as they always had been. I also heard from Tara that Ben was snogging a lot of girls as well. I found myself hanging out with Stan to snog quite a bit.

"Ellen, I really like you," Stan said to me one evening while we returned to the common room. "I don't want us just to be snog mates. I want more with you."

"What do you mean more?" I asked suspiciously. Did he want to start shagging as well? I figured I had to draw the line at that. I wanted to be in a relationship for that, especially for my first time.

"I mean I want you to be my girlfriend," he said taking me by surprise. That had been the last thing that I would have guessed. "Hank doesn't mind either. I just talked to him about it recently."

When I didn't answer him, his face fell. I was still shocked, although I didn't know why. A lot of boys liked me, so why wouldn't Stan. He was also a lot of fun to be around too, and I knew with him, I'd see him and my friends.

"It's fine if you don't want to," he said.

"No I do," I said quickly. "I am sorry. I was just kind of shocked Stan. I wasn't expecting you to say that at all. I guess maybe because of Hank, but I'm not sure. I just didn't know that was what you were proposing," I explained.

"Well what else would I be proposing?" Stan asked looking amused now.

I told him what I'd originally thought and he rolled his eyes but he smiled.

"Ellen, why is it always sex?" He asked. "I'm not going to pressure you into doing anything."

"Well the first time was because we were on your bed, and this time it was because you said you wanted to do more than snogging," I answered.

"I said I wanted to be more than snog mates," Stan said still smiling. "Look, I don't know if we'll shag or not. If we do, it will be because we are both comfortable and ready for it. We're fourteen Ellen, we don't need to rush things."

"Well I am good with snogging. You're sure Hank is okay with this?"

"Yes. We had a long talk the other night," Stan answered. "I told him what we'd been doing, and I told him I wanted more. You don't normally go there with a blokes ex. Hank didn't care at all though. He said that you two were twelve when you dated and it was first relationship. He said neither of you were attached to each other."

"No we really weren't," I said as I thought back to our relationship.

"And I'll try not to look at other girls," Stan added with a wink and I gave him a soft slap on the shoulder.

"I've grown up since then," I told him. "Devon and Greg both noticed other girls. I still feel competitive, but I know you're not dead."

"Didn't you say you got angry with that Zachary bloke?" Stan asked.

I'd told him about my summer and about Zachary. I had to remember situations like this when I told people things. At times I was way too open with people. I usually told them everything.

"It was because he was looking at Ashley," I explained. "He shouldn't have noticed her over me."

"Ah I get it," Stan answered with a nod. "Good thing I stopped fancying her years ago then. So note to self, don't look at Ashley."

"I can't work that one out," I said. "Why were you interested in her?"

"Why not?" Stan asked. "Ellen, you know that most people will choose you over her. You need to get past this insecurity with her. It's you that I want, so if I happen to look at her, don't worry about it. I would never choose you over her. Likely only Ben or Denver would. Normal blokes would choose you."

"Ben wouldn't choose her," I said. "And Denver probably thought that he'd never have a chance with her."

"He chose her over the Andrew twins," Stan said.

"They didn't want him, they like older boys," I pointed out.

"No, I am very sure they wanted him, or at least Sheila did," Stan said. "That's not the point though Ellen. Just remember that it's you I want. So if a girl walks by, and I notice, there is no need for jealousy."

"Then you remember the same for me too," I told him.

And once again, it was another instant relationship for me. I could get used to things working out this way for me. I never had to deal with the stress of dating and getting to know each other. Ben was going through that at the moment, and I knew he hated it. Ashley never got past the first date. I was going to do my best not to let Stan notice my feelings for Ben. I didn't want to be dumped again because of it.

I was going to try and ignore Ashley and Ben when they hung out, but Ben actually surprised me. One evening on the way back from a Quidditch practice, he turned to me.

"Ellen, you have plenty of girlfriends. Is there anyone you could set me up with?" He asked.

For a moment I felt as if he'd hit me. Not too long ago, he'd been going on about how amazing it was that I'd trained Martha the year before. Everyone liked her right away and she made the team. He had stared at me with such admiration and I knew he was slowly falling in love with me. I should have done something like that a long time ago. Now I was with Stan, and Ben thought that I was taken. If he told me he loved me, I would dump him instantly. However, Ben must have decided he needed to date someone because I was in a relationship.

I hesitated for a moment. I seriously considered telling him that I could dump Stan and we could date. I didn't want him to be hurt after all. I hated the way I felt when he and Ashley hung out. So I didn't want him to feel that way when it came to me. What was the point in wasting anymore time?

"I thought you were doing well on your own," I said. "Why are you asking me for help?"

"Because you're my friend and you'll probably know who is best suited for me instead of some of the riff raff. I don't want another Melanie or Nicole situation," he answered.

"So it's not because the girl you want is with someone else?" I asked.

"What makes you ask that?" He demanded looking at me funny.

"I just wondered," I answered.

"Are you going to help, or are you going to keep interrogating me?" Ben asked looking annoyed.

"Ben, you're asking me to help set you up, so I think I have the right to ask," I said. "I'll look around and see what I can do. I think I actually know someone who is perfect for you because she likes you. She also doesn't slack off and she is smart."

"Who?" Ben asked.

"Lindsay," I answered and he nodded.

"I don't know her too well, but she seems nice enough. Okay, I'll give her a chance then," he said.

I didn't want to help Ben meet someone, but he wasn't going to admit his feelings for me. He was getting too defensive about it. This way at least Lindsay would get an opportunity with him, and it would give him time. I believed he still had some growing up to do. Normally he didn't get nervous about asking girls out anymore. Ashley's sister was the last girl he had clammed up around and it was because he'd really liked her.

With me, I was one of his good friends and his best friends best friend. Our situation was so complicated and now I was with Stan. At some point he was going to realize that he couldn't stay with Lindsay and he would break up with her. He would give it some time, and then he would talk to me. I believed he wanted to date someone to get over me. It was what I had done, and I knew it didn't work. I was prepared to dump Stan the moment Ben confessed his feelings for me. For the moment, I would stay with him so I could distract myself until Ben came to his senses. I also knew that Ben wouldn't be so affectionate with Ashley once he ended up with Lindsay. So this was actually a good thing.

Lindsay was surprised when I told her that I wanted to set them up.

"I'm with Stan, and I really like him," I lied. "You really like Ben, and he is looking for someone. I believe you two will make a good couple."

Lindsay grinned. "Well thanks a lot Ellen. I appreciate it. And if you still like him, I'll try not to talk about it too much."

"I'm fine Lindsay, I have Stan," I told her. "He's a great bloke. I think my crush on Ben was just a passing thing. It happens with friends sometimes."

And even though it really hurt to pass the boy I loved to a friend, it was worth it to see how happy it made her. I was being a good friend to her. Not too many girls would do what I did. I had to admit, it did hurt me when the two of them hit it off right away, and then she showed him affection. However, I didn't let my emotions show. I had to put my friends before my feelings. I couldn't be selfish.

Instead, I just spent more and more time with Stan. I barely saw Ashley around anymore. She was starting to hang out with some first years. I knew she'd helped three of them become friends, but I couldn't help but find it odd that a fifteen year old wanted to hang out with three eleven-year-olds. I admired her for helping them, but why would she want to be friends with them? Why wouldn't she want to spend time with me? Was it because she was less mature? Sure, I had helped Martha out the year before but we never talked outside of Quidditch.

"It's amazing," Jared said when I pointed this out to Stan and his friends. "That's prefect material right there."

"You don't think it's weird that she wants to hang out with eleven-year-olds?" I asked.

"What is it about you and Michael?" Hank asked looking annoyed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"The moment she disappears, the two of you start bad mouthing her. From what I recall, part of that fight you had in the second year was because he kept talking about her. Now you do the same," Hank said.

"Exactly," Jared said. "You have no idea how much she loves and respects you."

"I'm not trying to bad mouth her. I just find it odd that's all. When do I bad mouth her?" I asked.

"Whenever boys notice her more and whenever she accomplishes something," Stan spoke up. "You're jealous of her, and Michael is bitter or something about her. The two of you need to stop. She would do anything for you in a second."

"And so would I," I said. "There are things about us that annoys her too you know. She isn't a saint. I bet there are things that annoy the three of you when it comes to each other."

"Fair enough, but why are you criticizing her for hanging out with first years?" Jared asked. "Why does that annoy you? That's our point Ellen. You're not bringing up an annoying quirk of hers. You're bad mouthing her for doing something nice. Why should it bother you so much?"

"Because she never hangs out with me anymore," I confessed. "She's either with Ben or the first years or people from the other houses. I heard recently that she has been asking boys out to Hogsmeade! She wouldn't even snog the boys we met over the summer, and now she is asking these boys out? She's changing so much into this new person and I don't know anything about it! I don't want to lose my best friend."

"So arrange a girls night with her," Stan told me. "I love spending time with you, but it won't bother me if you and her or your other friends hang out too."

"And if you don't want to lose your best friend, I would stop bad mouthing her," Jared told me.

"Remember your second year," Hank added. "Look what happened with Michael and why you lot got fed up with him. Don't let that happen to you just because you're jealous."

"It's not jealousy," I said.

"Keep telling yourself that Ellen," Hank said. "Either way, we've told Michael we don't want to hear this anymore. We don't want to hear it from you either."

"Exactly sweetheart," Stan said to me and he rubbed my back. "I'm not trying to be a git to you, but your friends are mine as well. So I hate hearing you saying things about them, even Michael."

"I get it," I said with a smile.

So after that night, I did try to arrange something with her. Usually if her and me did hang out, everyone else was around. The four of us didn't even hang out anymore alone. I didn't even think we had since on the train. After that, all the other Hufflepuff's were around or else Anne was there, and if she was there then Jess and Erica joined us.

"We need to do this more often," I told her. "We never hang out anymore."

"You're always with Stan," she answered. "I just don't want to end up being lonely."

This confirmed what Ben had said the other day. I'd complained about it to him quite a bit after Quidditch practices and the last time he'd told me that she didn't want to be lonely. He'd said it was better that she was making friends instead of being clingy or by herself like she had been in first and second year. However, I didn't want her to find a new best girl friend. I wanted to be her best friend always. I'd noticed her spending a lot of time with the Gryffindor girls lately, especially Shelly and Sheila. They had met on the train. What if they were replacing me?

"We can't let anything come between us though," I said. "We need to hang out more, and you need to tell me what is going on with you. Why did I hear from Zoey, Lindsay's friend that you are now asking boys out!? Last summer you wouldn't even snog Darren and now you're asking out boys?"

"I decided to take my chances. You know Denver is with Lydia Jewel now? He's definitely moved on from me. It's time I move on," she said.

"I've been telling you that since second year," I said. "I can't believe he is with Lydia though. That's gross. Of all the girls he could be with, why her?"

"Shelly and Sheila said it's because she kept bothering him, and so he just finally gave in," Ashley said. "But I still hate seeing them together. Of all the people he could be with, it has to be with her. I also don't want you, Ben and Michael to always set me up. So I decided to try on my own. I have a date with Todd for the next Hogsmeade weekend. He seems nice enough, so we'll see how that goes."

"So are you going to snog different boys then?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"Just on dates Ellen," she said. "Anyway, what about you and Stan? I can't believe Hank is okay with it."

"Stan talked to Hank before he asked me out," I told her. "I guess because it was just a second year relationship. I am glad. Stan is a lot of fun to be with. I like him better than both Greg and Devon. They were nice enough, but Stan is just ten times better than both of them. He usually tells me how it is too. It reminds me of Ben when it comes to that. He doesn't try to please me all the time. If he feels that I need to be called out, he will do it. This relationship feels real."

"Well you usually have to kiss a few frogs before you find the one," Ashley replied. "What about Drew or Zachary?"

"You know they weren't real relationships," I said. "And I don't know if Stan is the one, but I like my relationship with him. I thought it was amazing with Devon, but I can't explain it when it comes to Stan. Maybe relationships get better as you get older."

"Well you're more mature and there is more intimacy," Ashley said with a nod.

She knew just how intimate Devon and me had been. Michael and Ben didn't know at all, but I always told her everything for the most part. Sometimes I thought that soon Stan and me would shag, but I wasn't so sure about telling her that. She'd gotten on her high horse about it two years ago. I was sure she would think fourteen was too young too. She saw nothing wrong with the other stuff, especially since Elizabeth had said it was normal but I didn't know what she'd say if I talked about sex.

"I think that must be it," I agreed and I thought about how much I'd enjoyed being with Devon for those reasons.

"Do you think you love him?" She asked.

"Too early to tell," I said. "With Hank and the others, I thought it was love but it never was. I just confused lust for it. I don't want to make that mistake with Stan."

"You two look good together at least," she said.

"Now we just need to get you someone," I said.

"Well let's cross our fingers that things work out with Todd," she said. "If not, there are other boys."

I liked the fact that she had that attitude, but I also believed she still thought that Denver was the only boy for her. She had basically admitted that the reason why she was asking so many boys out was because he was dating Lydia. I had a feeling that their date wouldn't go well because of that. Boys would like her well enough, but because of her insecurities and the fact that she wasn't over him, it wouldn't work out.

It's the same reason for why your relationships never last. A voice that sounded a lot like Ashley said to me. I shook my head and pushed the thought away. I knew it was true, but I didn't want to think about it.

"Yes there are," I said. "Many other boys besides Denver. You don't only have to stick to the boys in our year either. You can go for older and younger... well except Maybe Rory and Derek. I think they're a bit too young for you."

Ashley made a face at me. "They look like kids to me, I understand how our older students felt now. And yes I know. I do actually like older boys. I can see what Sheila and Shelly mean. I don't think I'd like someone who is younger. I liked Eric and Darren well enough. I just wasn't willing to snog for the hell of it."

"And I just don't understand that," I said. "But that's your choice. Just remember not to spend Hogsmeade alone like you did last year."

"That was the first and only time," Ashley responded. "I haven't been alone since that day. Usually if a date doesn't work out, and we part, I still end up hanging out with someone. At times it's like Jared follows me around or something because he is usually there."

I wondered if I should tell her my theory that he was in love with her, but I decided not to. In a way, I did think it would be great for them to date. We'd be dating best friends and we would see each other more. However, Jared seemed the type to stray. How long could he stay with one girl? I didn't want her heart broken again and he was heart breaker type. I doubted he would do it on purpose, but I just felt that he couldn't commit to one girl for long. He already had a trail of girls who he'd hurt. It did seem odd that he'd be there when she was left alone though.

"That's good to hear. From now on, we need to arrange a girls night at least once a week if we can. I never thought that this would happen with us. In first and second year we were inseparable," I said.

"But we've grown up and all of you have dates," Ashley said. "That hasn't changed our friendship though. I've been meeting new people, but Ellen, you were my very first friend and you're my best friend. When I hang out with other people, we don't talk about anything personal except maybe the twins, but even they don't know everything about me. No one is going to take your place Ellen."

"Did Ben tell you that I've been worrying about that?" I asked her.

"No, I can just tell," she said. "We'll make it on Saturday nights or something. Michael always had his poker games anyway. So when we can get together, we'll do it then."

I wondered if it was a bad thing that we had to arrange a day to hang out. Even though she assured me that we were still best friends, it still worried me either way. I didn't want to lose her or Ben. I liked Michael well enough as well and I couldn't imagine life without him either, but it bother me as much that I didn't see him all the time. Perhaps it was because I was used to it, and somehow I knew he would always come back to us anyway. I wasn't so sure about Ashley.

Stan and I grew closer as the time went on. One evening at the end of November, we got quite intimate with other to the point that I knew it was going to lead to shagging. We were in the common room by ourselves. Most people were at dinner and we'd wanted some time to ourselves. So far I had been trying to avoid going down to the boys dorms again, but that day I wanted more. So I let him take me by the hand and lead me down to his dormitory.

"Bloody hell!" Stan shouted as he entered the dorm. He backed out quickly, stepping on my feet in the process. The shoes I was wearing were open toed, so he managed to squish a couple of my toes. It was cold, but I liked to show off my pedicured toes. What was the point in painting them if no one could see them?

"Stan!" I said angrily.

"I'm sorry Ellen," he said turning to me. "We don't want to go in there, trust me. I didn't hurt you did I?"

"My toes hurt now," I answered. "Why don't we want to go in there?"

He took my hand again and pulled me back through the tunnel.

"We're not the only ones who want shag. Michael and Anne are in there as well," Stan answered.

"They're shagging?" I asked.

"Yes," Stan said. "He left the curtains open. I saw more of him and Anne then I've ever wanted to. I guess I can't be too surprised. They've been together for so long. From the way they were going at it, I don't think it's the first time."

"I suppose I'm not surprised either," I said. "Maybe there are other places to go."

"No offense Ellen, I am not in the mood now. We'll wait for that. We'll find another time when we can have more privacy," he said to me. "I'm sorry, the thought of shagging now after I saw that isn't too appealing to me. Let's just get down to the Great Hall. I'm sure there is still some food left."

I nodded but I was disappointed. I knew I couldn't blame Michael but I did. I felt so worked up at the moment. I imagined that Stan was feeling the same way as me. I hated this feeling. I'd felt it the summer too with Zachary, but I'd managed to take care of it. I sighed and tried to my mind on something else. I hoped that we wouldn't have to wait too long for the next time.

"I'm sorry Ellen," Stan said and he squeezed my hand.

"It's not your fault," I responded. "We'll try again some other time. Maybe it's for the best anyway. I don't want people to walk in on us. We'll have to find another perfect moment."

That moment didn't come for a long while. We kept trying to find opportunities, but it wasn't easy. Michael was always down in the dorms with Anne, and it was hard to find somewhere to go around the castle without worrying that we'd get disturbed. Stan wanted our first time to be special, and I appreciated that. He didn't want it to be some quickie to avoid being caught. As the holidays approached, the prefects and teachers were monitoring the corridors more anyway. They usually did before holidays because people usually snuck out more.

The Christmas holidays ended up coming up rather quickly. I figured it wouldn't be until long after the holidays before we could. Stan and I wouldn't see other again until Ashley's New Years party. And then that's when it hit me. We could do it then. If we could get upstairs without being detected, we could actually shag without being interrupted. No one was allowed upstairs after all. Most people followed that rule. I supposed they didn't want to get kicked out, so they never tried to break the rules.

So when I got home, I quickly wrote to Stan to tell him my plan. He must have gotten my letter write away because he wrote back quickly and his letter was very enthusiastic. Smiling, I rolled up my letter and hurried to play with my little brother. I had to wonder how mum would feel if she knew what I was planning. I was sure she wouldn't be happy to know that her fourteen-year-old daughter was planning to shag very soon. She'd told me to wait until at least sixteen. Perhaps I was going two years early, but it felt right. Stan felt right and I would be ready when it was time for Ben and me.

That year, dad actually wanted to take us for a night. According to Timmy, it was the first time even for him since the summer. Neither of us wanted to go that time even though we did. We were both getting fed up with his attitude towards us. It wasn't our fault that he and mum had divorced or that he didn't trust magic. He was supposed to be our father and he was supposed to love us. He was supposed to put his feelings aside for us.

What bothered me the most about it was that he tried to lecture me about Stan. I didn't want to hear it from the man who had ignored me for more than two years. I didn't say a word. I just listened to him but didn't respond. Timmy glared at him. It was odd to see him look at my father the way he did. In the past he had stared at him with such love and admiration. He was nine now though. He was slowly losing that innocence he'd once had.

Zachary wanted to hang out over the holidays too, but I made sure to let him know that I was with Stan. The only boy I would leave Stan for was Ben. I would never cheat, especially when it was with a muggle boy who didn't want more than snogging with me. He didn't seem to mind however. Apparently he'd thrown Regina a bone and they had been shagging anyway. When we hung out, she looked at me so smugly as if it would bother me. I wanted to tell her that he would choose me over her any day if he could.

At Ashley's for the first time ever, it seemed more of her friends were there than Jaime's. Jaime apparently was rarely home anymore and her friends were getting older. Most of them wanted their own party rather than one where a bunch of adults were hanging out. More and more people from Hogwarts wanted to go to Ashley's however. It had gone from just being mainly Hufflepuff's to people in all four hours. Now the rule was that the boys had to sleep downstairs and the girls slept upstairs. Rachel usually stayed downstairs with the boys.

The adults usually watched us at first to make sure we didn't touch alcohol, but after a while they got into their own thing. Stan and I waited until late at night when people were drunk and distracted by either the poker games, dancing or the Nintendo. Thankfully this year, no one was hanging out by the steps. As soon as I saw this, I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the hall and up the steps.

"Let's just hope that Anne and Michael don't get the same idea," Stan said as we hurried through the upstairs hall to the spare room. I figured it would be kind of insulting to Ashley to shag in her bed, so I figured their spare room was our best bet. It was furthest from the steps anyway.

"Oh I hope not," I said. "It's always because of them that we stop."

But luck was on our side that night. We closed the door, but not all the way and shut off the lights. Ashley's parents usually left the door like that and I wanted people to assume that it was just left empty. We wanted to do everything we could to not draw attention to the room if people did come upstairs. However, everything went smoothly for us. It did hurt a bit, but I knew it started to feel good. It was satisfying, and I wanted to go again.

"You wouldn't have thought that was your first time," Stan said to me. "You seemed to know what you were doing."

"Magazines and books," I told him. "You weren't bad either. I've heard the first time is always so awkward, but it seemed just right didn't it?"

"It's only going to get better Ellen," he said to me and then kissed me. "I'm sorry that it hurt."

Any book I'd ever read, the boy was always so awkward and he didn't know what he was doing. The girl was always in so much pain and there was also a lot of blood. However the pain hadn't been bad and we didn't find blood luckily. The only thing that seemed to be true was that we were both sweaty and there was a smell. It wasn't a bad one, but the room definitely smelled. This did worry me a little.

"I don't smell anything," Stan said as we dressed.

"Well I do," I said. "People always say that sex smells, and I can smell it."

"Relax Ellen, Ashley keeps an air freshener spray in her room. Just go get it. I don't smell anything though," he said.

"Well I'll go get it. You straighten yourself up and go downstairs. I'll come down in about five minutes. We don't want to be seen coming down together," I told him.

Stan just gave a small shrug and then checked himself over. He had a hand through his hair and then left the room. I waited a little still sniffing the air. How couldn't he have smelled it? Once he was gone, I checked over the bed some more just in case there was something we missed. The last thing I wanted was for Ashley's mum to find out. Afterwards, I hurried to grad the can of vanilla spray Ashley had in her room. I likely went overboard with spraying it, but it was better if it smelled too much like Vanilla then the other smell. I'd once read a book where the man said the room smelled of 'sex' and now I understood.

When I finally got downstairs, it was to see that it was almost midnight. Stan was doing some shots with his mates. I hurried over to join him wondering where Ashley was. I hadn't seen her all night.

After that night, we managed to find a place to shag, even in the dorms at times. I had to wonder if we hadn't before because we'd both been so nervous about it. After the first few times, it got better and the pain went away. It started to feel really good, and I almost felt as if I was addicted to that feeling. Most people always said that it was boys who wanted sex more, but not in my case. It was on my mind more than it was before. Maybe that meant I had a high sex drive or something.

Shortly after the holidays, Ben broke up with Lindsay and I had to wonder why. I often questioned him and her about their relationship and they both seemed happy. I could tell she was really upset by it. It bothered me too. I was of course really happy that he was single again because I hated when he had a girlfriend, but at the same time Lindsay was my friend. I could tell that she'd really liked him and that her heart was broken. So I hoped he had a good reason for why he decided to dump her.

I confronted him about it after she cried to me about it. According to her it was because of some fight and then he ended it. I needed to know exactly what it was about.

"And over one fight!" I said to him furiously after I brought it up. "You tell me to help set you up with someone, and so I do and the moment it gets tough, you dump her. What is it with you and girls Ben? You date all the wrong ones, and then when you find one who is actually good for you, you dump her!"

"Did she tell you that she agreed after I pulled the plug?" He asked me looking just as annoyed.

She had told me that, but Lindsay wasn't the type to beg.

"Well yes, but of course she would," I said to him. "Do you have that big of an ego that you think every girl is going to beg you to stay."

"I never expected she would," Ben retorted. "If you talked to Lindsay at all, you'll know that she's fine with it."

"I'm just sticking up for a friend," I responded, and I really was. I was happy about the break up, but I just didn't want my friend hurt. What I'd really wanted was for a good break up where they grew apart. Ben would realize he loved me, and then we would date. Unfortunately, when it came to people dating other people while they were in love with someone else, it didn't always work that way. Perhaps I shouldn't have set him up with Lindsay. "I would be doing the same for you if it were the other way around," I added to him just so that I wasn't coming off as a bitch or something. I wanted him to understand that I just wanted to stick up for Lindsay. He knew I would for him too. I'd been angry with Claire even though I'd been happy about the break up.

"Well now you've had your say. Are you about done, or are you going to keep yelling at me?" Ben asked me still angry.

"I'm done, but sometimes I swear you're in love with someone else and that's why you can't stay with anyone or why you pick the wrong girls," I said and Ben's eyes widened and he shifted uncomfortably. I'd hit the nail on the head with that one.

"Did Lindsay say anything?" He asked still looking uncomfortable.

"No, why would she?" I asked.

And I understood. They hadn't broken up over one fight. Ben had broken up with her because he was in love with someone else. Lately him and me had been talking about Quidditch a lot more than usual. Hufflepuff was doing amazing that year. I was so sure we were in for the winning.

"It's why isn't it? And she knows," I pressed and his eyes shifted away.

He loved me. He had finally realized his feelings for me. Should I break up with Stan? Should I wait? Perhaps it was best to wait for Lindsay to move on. All I knew was that he loved me. All those nights when we talked about Quidditch or practiced together had finally paid off. He would finally stop showing Ashley so much affection because he didn't love her anymore. It was me.

"No it's not Ellen," Ben insisted but he was lying.

"No, of course not," I said but I grinned. He loved me. He really loved me.

Why else would he wonder about Lindsay saying something? I'd been telling her my thoughts about being worried about him being in love with her since she'd told me her theory, even when they were dating. She'd been worried about the same thing, but now she was realizing it was me. It was why she had given me a dirty look when she first told me that he'd dumped her. She had seemed to angry with me and then she had started to cry.

"Now about this new throw you were telling me about with the Quaffle," Ben began. "Tell me again how it's supposed to go? You said it would spin and then curve."

This was proof that he was in love with me. He'd changed the subject to Quidditch, the one thing I was passionate about, and the only thing we shared. Happily, I began telling him what I'd heard Ginny Weasley had done and my theory on how she'd done it. Someday my life was going to be like hers. I couldn't wait. I was so sure that this was going to be my year. I would bring in a win for Hufflepuff and I would get the man I loved. I went to bed that night hugging myself. Ben loved me!

Although he loved me, he was still affectionate with Ashley. It got worse when him and Lindsay broke up, but I figured it had to be because of Stan and me. I debated on dumping Stan, but I didn't want to yet. I felt that Ben needed to come forward and I wasn't going to stand back and watch him show affection for her while I was single. He did start to touch me more than he did before. One afternoon after a practice he'd put his arm around me happily, so that showed me things were on track. I just worked harder on bringing a win for our team. I figured Stan and me could stay together until after we won the cup. Once that happened, Ben would confess his love for me and I would talk to Stan about it. I didn't want to break his heart after all. So I stayed with him for the time being.

I knew that Ben was snogging other girls again. It made me wonder if he was distracting himself from me. I tried my best not to show too much affection with Stan in the common room if he was around. I would wait until we were alone.

"So have you talked to this girl at all?" I asked Ben one night shortly after our Easter holidays. The final match was coming up very soon and we were in the lead.

"Not in that way," he said. "Ellen, I really don't want to talk about her. I didn't even want anyone to know there was someone. I wish Lindsay hadn't told you anything."

"I told you that she didn't," I said. "You confirmed that all on your own. I am just saying that if you like this girl enough to end a good relationship, you should make a move. What is taking so long?"

"It's complicated," he said.

"You sound like Ashley, why is it complicated?" I demanded. "If she's in a relationship, she'll end it with the bloke she's with if she is worth it Ben."

"I wouldn't ask her to do that. Besides, she isn't in a relationship," Ben answered.

I didn't believe him though. He lied so that I wouldn't guess it was me. It was me and he didn't want me to end my relationship with Stan. So I was going to slowly make us grow apart. I wouldn't be mean about it, I would just slowly pull away everyday until after the Quidditch match. Once we won, and if Ben didn't kiss me like in my fantasy, I would pull the plug. I would give us some time of course, and then I would tell Ben that I knew he loved me and that I loved him too.

"You miss the chances you don't take," I told him. "Just remember that."

"I know," he said. "Now let's talk about something else Ellen."

Ben and I both had trouble sleeping the day of the final match. We both ended up talking in the common room until it was time to go. This confirmed even more that he wanted me. He needed me for comfort like I needed him.

Everyone knew that we were about to make history. Most people dressed for Hufflepuff, but most people went all out that time, even people from Ravenclaw and Slytherin who wanted us to win. Ashley managed to distract a lot of the boys appeared in a yellow dress that showed off her figure. Even Ben was staring at her and this did annoy me. I knew he was going to notice other girls, and she looked good, but I didn't like how he was looking at her. How could she still think that no boy wanted her when she managed to turn a bunch of heads? Apparently even her knickers were for Hufflepuff. She'd whispered that in my ear.

"What I would give to shag her right now," I heard Paul from Ravenclaw say as we all headed to the Quidditch pitch.

"I wouldn't count on it. She is likely already shagging Hoofer. He'll probably fuck her after the match," Todd said. "I can tell he wants her. He wouldn't take his eyes off her when we had our date."

I felt annoyance by this. It wasn't Ashley that Ben wanted shag, it was me. We broke away from the crowd and headed to the changing rooms. I didn't want to focus on that. I needed to focus on the game and Ben. It wasn't hard once I was on the pitch with my broomstick in my hand. This always happened the moment I played. Anything that stressed me out or distracted me usually went away. All that was on my mind was playing a good game and finally bringing a win to Hufflepuff. It had to be about thirty years or more.

And we did it. I managed to score most of our goals, but it was our Seeker who caught the snitch at the right moment. I was shock momentarily before I looked around for Ben. He was sitting on his broom in mid-air looking shocked and thrilled as well. Screams were coming from the stands. I instantly flew over to him. Would this be when we would share our first kiss? I hugged him hard when I reached him and stared into his face. The look was there. I could see the love for me. It was going to happen that night, I knew it.

We had to join our team though, but wouldn't it have been fitting if we'd kissed right there and then? We couldn't be selfish though. We had to celebrate with the team and our fans, so we flew to the ground. Generally it was the captain who was given the cup, but it seemed to be an unspoken agreement that I was the one who could hold up the cup. I was the one hoisted up on the teams shoulders and I was the one who everyone cheered one while I lifted it up high. It was the best day of my life. If were learning patronuses that day, I'd use this as my best memory.

I didn't get the chance to be alone with Ben until a little later. The crowd of Hufflepuff supporters hurried off to start a party for us while the team changed. I told Ben to wait for me while I had a quick shower. I was hoping everyone else would leave so we could talk alone. Maybe while we walked back to the common room we would share our feelings. Maybe we would kiss. As exciting as it was to kiss in front of everyone, it could be more romantic this way and Stan wouldn't get hurt. Ben and me had shared a moment in front of everyone anyway. Of course we hadn't kissed, but we'd grinned while looking into each others eyes.

Fortunately, Ben was alone when I returned. I hurried over and took his hand without saying a word. He had been staring off in the distance, deep in thought. Likely he was thinking about me. When he didn't let go of my hand, I knew this was it. Should I tell him how I feel? I decided to talk about the game first. Him and me would talk about how amazing it was, and the right before we entered the common room, he would turn to me and tell me he loved me. I would tell him that I had to talk to Stan first, and then we could be together.

None of that happened however. Ben just listened to me talk with a smile on his face until we reached the common room. He knocked on the barrels and led me inside. The moment we entered, he let my hand go and he walked over to where the fourth year boys were celebrating. I felt disappointed by this, but it must have been because of Stan. He respected him too much to do anything with his girlfriend. I felt sad by this thought and decided that tomorrow or very soon I would have to end things with Stan. For now, I would be a good girlfriend. I couldn't dump Stan the night of our win. It wouldn't be fair.

So I joined Stan and glanced at Ben with guilt after I kissed him. Ben ignored me and took a shot. He must have been doing everything in his power to ignore us so he wouldn't be hurt.

"Where is Ashley?" He asked instead which was a good question.

Her best friends had just brought the first win to Hufflepuff in so long. She should have been with us celebrating. She had congratulated on the pitch and she'd hugged us, but she was supposed to be there now.

"Yes where is she?" I demanded. "I thought for sure she'd want to celebrate our win."

"I'm sure she'll be around eventually," Stan told me. "I thought I saw her off with the firsties."

"She hangs out with Alana more than she hangs out with me," I answered with annoyance. She shouldn't have been hanging out with her instead of me or even Ben.

"Ellen sweetheart, just focus on your win," Stan said to me hugging me tightly. He kissed me again. "You have no idea how proud of you I am. Drink and have fun," and then he lowered his head to my ear. "And I'll show you a better time later."

I couldn't help but feel excited about that. I might as well have some fun with Stan before we broke up. For that night I was still his girlfriend and not Ben's and shagging did seem to be a good way to celebrate. I figured I might as well give him some before I dumped him. At least he'd have a good night. He deserved that at least.

Ashley didn't turn up until a little while later. She was still in the dress and all the boys stared at her. I thought Jared was practically undressing her with his eyes. I hated how Ben's head whipped around quickly when she joined us. He looked her up and down. He quickly hurried over to her to throw an arm around her. I would have to make it clear to him when we got together that it wasn't acceptable for him to be that way with her. His other girlfriends may have tolerated it (even Lindsay who had seen him do it) but I wouldn't.

He pulled her over to where some of the boys were doing shots still. The rest of us were sitting together and watching. Stan had basically glued himself to my side since the moment I entered. I knew from the way he was rubbing my thighs that he was ready for more. I didn't get up to greet her, but I watched the interaction between her and Ben.

Of course Michael had to be git to her about drinking. She did a shot and anyone could tell it didn't go down too well. I had a feeling that night would be the night when she'd finally get really drunk. It was about time. She'd been drinking for the past year, but she hadn't been drunk yet. She always stopped once she got buzzed. I figured there was no holding back for her that night though. I just wished Ben would let her go.

Unfortunately, he wouldn't. He kept an arm around her and he even pulled her onto his lap when he joined us. I felt furious. She looked so good in her dress and I didn't want to see his hands all over her that way. I almost wanted to turn to Stan and tell him it was over, shove her off of him and take him off to shag. However, I didn't move. I just glared at them. Sure, I was with Stan, but he was my boyfriend. Ashley and Ben were friends. There was no need for this, and perhaps he wanted some affection since he couldn't get it from me, but I hated it. This was the last night that they would ever be allowed to do this.

"You know how he gets when he gets drunk. I don't get why he drinks so much, considering his parents but he does. I remember when he used to say he would never drink," Ben was saying to her.

"He was also eleven then," I said with annoyance to him all the while thinking: Get your bloody hands off her waist and thigh! "People change a lot between the ages of eleven and fifteen… well almost fifteen. You used to say you would never get drunk either, Ben," I continued. I hoped he saw how upset I was with him. Most people could see I was annoyed. Stan certainly could, he was frowning at me as if wondering why I was so angry. I would let them all think it was because Ben was saying things about Michael's drinking and not about him and Ashley.

"True," Ben responded not at all affected by my tone. "I also drink slowly, unlike him or you for that matter. Just how many shots have you done now, Ellen?"

I ignored this, but I could see it as a sign of concern. He didn't want me to drink too much. Well, I didn't care that night. If he was going to be like that with her, I was going to ignore him and drink a lot. I would shag Stan and even announce it if I had to. I didn't care. He couldn't show me he loved me, but then flirt with another girl just because I was with my boyfriend. If he knew me at all, he had to understand why I was with Stan for the moment. He was being so childish at the moment.

"He might be right," Ashley said to Ben. "Maybe I do need to catch up. You guys seem already buzzed."

"Well where were you?" I asked her. The party had been going on for a good hour by that point. Why had she been hanging out with the first years? "We never get to see you that much Ashley. It's good you've become sort of a social butterfly I guess, but lately it seems like we don't see much of you."

We hadn't even had our girls nights lately even though she'd promised we'd still have them. It had been over a month at least.

"I was getting food to help you two celebrate your big win," she said with a grin. "The first and seconds years were helping me. It took us a little over an hour to get all of the food."

I nodded with understanding. So she had been trying to help us out. I knew she couldn't have tried to ditch us on our big day. I tried not to focus on the fact that Ben was now rubbing her back and smiling at her.

"Good influence you are," Jared joked. "Nice prefect you'll make next year."

"I won't make prefect next year," she said.

I didn't know how she could think that. She was a shoo in for sure. No one else put in the effort that she did with the younger students, not even Ben.

"You might," Hank said. "You've been helping the younger students out a lot, and not just in Hufflepuff."

"True, you introduced yourself to all the first years last year and this year," Stan added on. "That's prefect material right there. It's got to be either you, Melanie or Sarah. We all know we don't want Melanie."

I didn't think anyone wanted that. However, Michael had to start bothering her. Even though she was drinking with us, he was trying to say that our good times would be over if Ashley made prefect. I hated how he turned into a prat when he drank and so did everyone else. He always ruined it for everyone.

"Are you kidding me?" Ashley asked. "Michael, quit being a prat. I would not care if you're drinking, and you know it."

"So then drink something besides butterbeer," he said as he nodded at the bottle in her hand. "I've yet to see you drunk."

"Get off her case Michael," I spoke up. She didn't need his kind of attitude. I had a feeling she did want to drink that night, but she might not from his pressure. "If she doesn't want to get drunk then she doesn't want to get drunk!"

"No, you know what? He's right," she answered and she forward and grabbed another shot of firewhiskey and drank it quickly.

"Careful," Ben said to her. "You don't have to prove yourself."

I knew he was just trying to be a good friend to her at the moment. No one wanted to see their friends drink too much when they had no experience with it. I just wished he didn't have his hands where they were.

"I'm not proving myself," Ashley responded but her words were starting to slur. Two shots of firewhiskey could do that. "He's right, I haven't been drunk before. I am going to be sixteen in September. It's about time I try. I am old enough now. I am not that first or second year little girl anymore."

Ben whispered something in her ear, but I didn't hear. I just cheered her on instead. Ashley doing the shots seemed to make everyone want to celebrate more. We all got up to dance around shortly after this. Stan seemed more than eager to twirl be around and dance, but I couldn't stop watching them. I knew I wasn't being fair to him but Ben wasn't being fair to me. He was holding her so close while they danced. He hadn't even danced with me once yet.

"Ellen, I want to shag you," Stan muttered into my ear after a while.

I stared at Ashley and Ben furiously before I turned to him. "Let's go then. Michael and Anne aren't in the dorms yet. We should take advantage while we can."

"I want to give you a reward for your big win," he said as he pulled me to his side, and then made his way over to the boys dorms. "You deserve it babe. You're going to be begging for mercy by the time I am done with you."

"I'll be begging for more," I told him. "You always amaze me Stan. I'm sure I am going to love this reward."

Stan was certainly right about that one. It was as if he had spent time reading up on tips on how to please me. Normally we had the same moves, but everything was new to me, and everything he did felt so good. I didn't want to end things with yet because of it. How many people his age could please a girl in bed? Most were awkward, and if Ben was going to be a prat to me for having a boyfriend, I might as well enjoy Stan while I could.

Of course I felt guilty later on around Ben for it, but he was still oggling Ashley anyway. So I decided there was no need for it.

The next day, Ashley gave us some shocking news. We all decided to hang out for the day. It was the first time in months since the four of us had hung out together without anyone else. The night before, people had revealed that not only had they walked in on Michael and Anne having sex, but apparently Stan and me too. So it was quite embarrassing for me to find this out, and Ben told Michael that he needed to give some warning for the future.

I was feeling some irritation with Ben at the moment. Apparently he had hang-over potions but he'd decided not to share any with me. I was the girl that he loved, but yet he hadn't felt the need to give me any? It would have been the gentleman thing to do and yet he seemed pissed at me for thinking this? We'd had a minor disagreement about it. So I was still focusing on this and not really paying attention to the conversation my friends were having about sex until Michael turned to me and said:

"Look at that, the two virgins are complaining because we are getting some," he said to me with a smirk.

"I'm not a virgin," Ashley and Ben said at the same time.

I was quickly brought back into the conversation by this point. I wasn't too shocked about Ben, but I was when it came to Ashley. When would she have had sex? She hadn't been with anyone since Denver unless she had a secret boyfriend. Was that why we never saw her anymore? Was that why she wouldn't snog random boys? If not that, then she would have had have shagged Denver in the second year. She'd given me a lecture about it when I'd brought it up about Hank.

"Wait what?" I demanded and I looked at her. "Don't tell me you and Denver had shagged in second year, not after all the lectures you gave me about it."

"You shagged in second year?" Ben and Michael asked me. I wondered if Ben was jealous.

"No," I answered. "I just brought it up to Ashley and she got… well, almost Ben like, but now it seems she was a hypocrite."

"I didn't have sex with Denver," Ashley replied.

"Have you had a secret boyfriend then?" Ben demanded and I couldn't believe it. Why didn't she at least tell me? That was the only thing that made sense. She refused to snog random boys, so why would she shag them? "What do you mean you're not a virgin? If not Denver, than who?"

"I know we haven't hung out that much lately, but I didn't know you had a boyfriend," Michael added.

"It was a one night stand," she said and she blushed. "It was with Jared."

We all stopped to stare at her. Ashley had a one night stand? She refused to snog boys like Eric and Darren, but she was willing to shag Jared of all people? Of course I knew how he felt about her, but why would she want to shag him after second year? Sure he was very affectionate with her, but still. Shagging was an intimate thing, and that was her first time. It just seemed odd that she would pick him for such an important event in her life.

"What!?" We all asked her together.

"I don't believe it," Michael said and he shook his head. "After all that happened in second year?"

"I never thought you'd have a one night stand," I added.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Ben demanded. I figured he was upset because he still considered her his best friend. He would want to know when his best friend shagged. That proved he didn't like her anymore because if he was in love with her, he wouldn't want to know that she'd shagged.

"Jared and I have gotten along since second year. Remember, he was there the most after Denver and me broke up if you three weren't. Last year he stuck up for me when Don Zent and Xavier Opress made fun of me. He was there for me this year when the three of you weren't around. I don't see what the big deal is. We were both very careful even if we were drunk. He was very nice about it, and he asked me many times if I was sure, and I was. He even talked to me again this morning to make sure I was okay. Also, it only just happened last night Ben. So I couldn't tell you," Ashley told Ben.

When she put it that way, it did make sense. I supposed she could trust him enough, but I was still shocked that she'd had a one night stand.

"It's just so unexpected," I said to her. I couldn't add that it was shocking because of Darren and Eric because the boys were around. We'd decided not to tell them about that. "I'm not judging at all, don't worry. I am surprised but if you're both fine with it, and he didn't take advantage then I am happy for you."

"Jared has slept with half the girls in our year, probably older and younger," Michael said. "Nothing is going to come from it."

"I don't expect anything to," she told Michael. "Jared and I are just friends."

"But that's just not you. You don't sleep around," Michael protested.

I couldn't help but wonder why it bothered him so much. Generally he didn't care what she did. Why did he care about this? It should have been me that he made a fuss about because I knew he still loved me too. Ben and Michael must have just wanted to look out their friend. That was the only thing I could think of.

"Obviously not since last night was my first time, and I don't plan to just shag random boys you know. You guys are making too big of a deal out of this," Ashley responded irritated.

"I'm not," I said but it was a big deal. Why was it okay to shag Jared, but she couldn't snog different boys? She didn't make sense to me.

"I can't judge," Ben told her. "I've had random casual sex too, but I am just surprised that's all. Not only because it doesn't seem very well, you but with Jared too. If you're happy with it, I just… well you're not the same girl you were in first year, that's all I can say."

I had to wonder who Ben had slept with. It actually made me feel better though. He'd shagged those girls because he couldn't have me. Now at least he'd have experience too and we could please each other. The thought of him shagging a random girl instead of a girlfriend sounded better to me. If he'd shagged Lindsay then I'd be upset.

"I know we haven't spent that much time together over the last few months, but I don't get how the three of you can be that surprised that I'm different. We've hung out for almost four years. Haven't you noticed that none of us are the same people when we first started here?" She asked.

"Of course we've noticed," Ben answered. "You've come a long way from that shy insecure girl. I guess it's just the thought of you having a one night stand with Jared that has really shown it."

"Well just be careful," Michael said with a frown. "I know we should all be taking that advice but I just remember the advice my father gave me. I might drink more than I should, and I do have sex with Anne but I've always remembered his words and my parent's life-style. Believe me; I don't want to end up like that. I just hope you think about that too, Ashley. You might not have shagged Jared if you were sober. You don't want to end up a teen mum just because of one drunk night. Think of your mum as well. You don't want to be a single mum."

"I know," Ashley said. "Jared was careful though. He did a spell and he used a condom. It's not as if I plan to shag every available boy in the castle now."

"Aw shucks," Ben said and he pulled her close. "I was hoping I'd be your second."

I glared at him. How dare he joke around with her like that? Why did he want to hurt me like this? I wasn't hanging out with Stan to hurt him. I was trying to be fair and Ben was acting like such a child. He was going to be sixteen and September and he was acting like he was twelve with a crush. How could he use my best friend to hurt me? I was getting so damn sick of him.

"No way," I said to Ben show him that I knew how he felt, and I knew what he was doing. He had to understand that this was not acceptable. It had to stop. If we had to talk about it now in front of Michael and Ashley, we would. I willed for him to drop his arm from around her. I took a deep breath and continued. "Anyway, it's hard to believe we all have though. I always said I'd wait until I was sixteen but I didn't keep that promise."

"I said I'd be out of Hogwarts," Michael said.

"I thought I'd have sex with my boyfriend in a bed, not a drunken one nighter in a broom closet," Ashley answered. "But I thought it would happen when I was at least sixteen and I am not that far from sixteen. Rachel, my mum and Pat have been telling both my sister and me that if we had to have underage sex, wait until at least sixteen."

"I thought it would be with a girlfriend, but I didn't give it much thought as to when," Ben answered but I doubted that. I was sure he had thought it would be with me eventually. For some reason he turned to Ashley and asked: "So has Jaime had sex yet?"

"Still crushing on her then?" I asked. I tried to sound as if I was joking, but I wasn't. Why was he bringing her up? That had been years ago. Was it to remind me that I wasn't his first love?

"No, I am just curious. I lost interest in her years ago. She's hot, but I don't think I could date her. She's too judgmental and superficial," Ben answered and he sound so cold to me. I clenched my teeth together. I just wanted to yell at him. What an immature prat!

"She hasn't," Ashley answered and smiled. "So I actually beat her at something for once."

As usual she had to turn it into her insecurities about her sister, so as usual we had to reassure her. I think Michael was annoyed with it too because he changed the subject to who Ben had shagged. I was feeling angry but I looked up when he asked this. I wasn't surprised when he mentioned the Andrew twins, but it did piss me off to hear him mention Lydia Jewel. I didn't say much while the others talked, but the more I thought about him and Lydia, the angrier it made me. I couldn't hold back and I said:

"Lydia Jewel? That's almost as bad as Tara! How could you Ben!?"

I didn't think I'd be as upset if he'd shagged a girlfriend, but this wasn't right. He always avoided touching me too much but he'd shagged Lydia. It made me feel bad. I wasn't even allowed to sit on his lap or anything but he'd shagged her. Why make me feel like I was gross to touch but he would sleep with the biggest slut in the school, especially since Denver had shagged her.

"It was similar to Ashley's situation, I was very drunk and believe me I regret it. It was after Slughorn's last party. It would never have happened sober. She also knows that as well. I doubt she cares though, she sleeps around probably more than Jared does," Ben explained. "Don't make such a big deal out of it. This is why I didn't want to tell you guys about it. I don't feel like being judged."

I felt like he was saying this more to me than to the others. Of course I would judge him for it. He was my future boyfriend and probably husband. If I'd shagged someone like Don Zent. He'd be pissed at me too. So he shouldn't act as if I had no right to be angry. I was his friend and the love of his life. He was such a jealous prat to treat me the way he was just because of Stan.

He seemed to want to keep it going too. When we got to the lake, he pulled Ashley even closer to him and sat down. He wanted to hurt me by holding her close. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to do this in front of Ashley and Michael, but he was leaving me no choice. He was going to hear it now. Stan would understand eventually.

"You know if you want girls to stop getting jealous of Ashley, you should take your arm off her," I snapped at him.

"I don't really care what people think," Ben said. "Everyone knows she's my best friend. What's with you lately Ellen? Honestly, you've been acting like a jealous girlfriend."

So he had noticed how upset I was. I knew he had, but this confirmed it. Did I have to spell it out for him though? Of course I was going to act like a jealous girlfriend. He was the one doing it to me on purpose. He wanted to make me feel bad for being with Stan. Why did I have to be the one to say it though?

"Well if you don't know then I am not going to tell you," I said to prompt him.

"No I don't know," Ben said as stubborn as usual. "So you should tell me instead of playing games."

So he wanted me to say it. Was it because I was with Stan? Fine. He wanted me to say it, and in front of our friends, then I would.

"Because I am in love with you," I finally said. After over two years, I was finally confessing it to him. I smiled at him waiting for him to let Ashley go and take me in his arms. We would kiss and Michael and Ashley would congratulate us. Ashley would understand that her and Ben couldn't be so intimate anymore. Her and me would talk later about all this.

"You're with Stan," Ben said sounding kind of cold.

I knew all along it had been Stan, but that was a minor thing. I would break up with him.

"But I can end it with him Ben," I told him. Now he would kiss me. "We can be together like we're meant to be."

"No we're not," he responded and I felt like he had just slapped me. What did he mean by that? All I had to do was say the words to Stan and we'd be together like we were meant to. "Stay with Stan then… or maybe don't, if you're going after other guys."

I stared at him with shock. Why was he telling me to stay with Stan? Did he think that I was cheating on Stan maybe? That was probably what it was. He respected Stan so much, and even though he loved me, he didn't want me to tell him this while I had a boyfriend. He wanted to wait. So all I had to was end it with Stan.

"But Ben, you feel the same way," I said. Why deny it any longer? "I mean, if you're worried I am cheating, I am not."

"That's not what I am worried about," Ben said. "Ellen, I don't feel the same way about you. You're my best friend and that's it."

What was that supposed to mean? He did love me though. I'd seen it in his eyes. He'd held my hand yesterday. We'd stared into each others eyes yesterday. He had looked at me with so much love yesterday and he wanted to kiss me, but he couldn't because of Stan. Didn't he understand that I could just end it with Stan? Why was he making it so difficult? I wasn't trying to hurt him by being with Stan! I wasn't! So what was his problem?

"But-what are you talking about?" I asked trying to understand.

"Ellen, you're just my friend," Ben replied. "That's what I am saying. I don't have feelings for you at all. If you're having these thoughts, maybe you shouldn't be with Stan. Considering the amount of sex you have with him, I am surprised."

It was the sex that bothered him! That was why he was doing this to me. I was hurting him and now he wanted to hurt me! Ben was such a smart boy but with emotions I guess he wasn't. All he needed to understand was that I would end things with Stan, and then we'd be together. Some boys had hang ups about virginity and being a girls first time. That was probably Ben's issue. He loved me so much and I'd broken his heart by shagging Stan.

"I-but, well I meant if it's the sex that bothers you, I am sorry you felt jealous Ben. I am sorry you were hurt," I told him. "It is because I am with Stan?"

"No, it's because I am not interested in you," Ben said. "There is no jealousy or hurt. I just don't want to date you. Ever. I see you as my very very good friend."

"I- but," I started but I had to get out of here. I jumped up and yelled: "Don't follow me!"

It was more to Ashley than Michael or Ben. In fact, I hoped Ben would chase me. I ran off with tears in my eyes. I hoped he would chase me and explain what was wrong. However, no one came after me. I ran until I reached the castle. I turned back to see if any of them was following me, but all three were still sitting by the lake. Ben still had his arm around Ashley.

I started to sob. I didn't understand. Ben loved me so why was he in denial about it? Why did he say that he never wanted to be with me? I furious with his jealousy. It had to be because he was jealous of Stan and he wanted to hurt me. I didn't want to believe that he didn't love me because if it wasn't me he loved then it was Ashley. There was no way it was her. It was me. I wiped away my tears. I decided from that day forward that I would make Ben feel as bad as he'd made me feel. If he was jealous of Stan before, I'd make it even worse. I would pretend that what happened between us hadn't happened and I would stay his friend, but he was going to feel bad when he saw me and Stan together. That was all there was to it.

But as I thought it later, I felt my insecurity about Ashley again. What if it was her who was mystery girl? What if Ben didn't like me and he wanted Ashley? Or worse, what if he loved us both? Maybe he loved her more. Or maybe he thought he loved her right now, but it was actually me. It was all so confusing. For the moment, I would stay with Stan and I would watch the two of them. However, I would take my opportunity again when I could. I had put it in Ben's head that I loved him, that had to make him think. When sat around thinking about the moment on the lake, he would realize what a prat he'd been and he would beg me to give him a chance. Of course I would, but I would make him sweat first.


	8. Trying to Be a Good Friend

Trying to be a good friend.

Although that day had been heartbreaking for me, I didn't hide away or fall into depression. I just focused on Stan and for once, the exams. Everyone congratulated on the win all the time, so it was hard to really be sad anyway. Ben remained indifferent to me, and he kept hugging and touching Ashley but I did what I could to ignore it.

Another good thing came from our win was that it brought our group back together. Ashley started to talk to me more often and so did Michael. There were many nights when the four of us hung out without Stan or Anne. It was really nice and I hoped we would never grow apart again. At times I didn't want to be around Ashley and Ben because of their closeness but I didn't pull away. I continued to watch them anyway.

What if she actually was the mystery girl? I couldn't stand if it was her. How could I lose to Ashley of all people? Sure she had a beautiful body, but her face still plain. Boys would always choose a pretty face over an amazing body, and mine was even bad. I just had a very flat and skinny body. However, I'd never had any complaints about it, so boys liked it well enough. Boys had never mind that my breasts weren't bigger. I still had a line up of them because I was beautiful. Most people also loved my personality. So when you added all that together, I was the ideal girl, not her. So if there was a chance that Ben liked her better, why was that?

Ashley even kept shagging Jared which bothered me a lot because she'd ignored the other boys. Was it because they had known each other for years? I overheard her telling Ben that it was because she wanted some form on intimacy. It made sense, but at the same time, she could have that if she really wanted to. She didn't have to just randomly shag blokes because there were boys who wanted her.

And then to my dismay, she got back with Denver. It would have been better if she'd just changed her relationship status with Jared. Denver was the worst possible person for her. Two years ago he'd dumped her over some photos. He had dated Lydia Jewel, one of her enemies. She had moved on from him, and now she was back with him. It was a setback for her. However, I didn't say any of this to anyone, not even Lindsay or Stan. I just kept my mouth shut and stayed the supportive friend that I was.

I decided we needed some girl time after we finished our exams however. So I linked my arm into her after our final exam and smiled at her.

"Let's go celebrate the end of exams, and tell me all about Denver!" I said to her. I had to know what was going through her mind. Sure I knew that part of her had still wanted him back. She hadn't completely gotten over him, but she shouldn't have taken him back.

"You have to tell me about you and Stan," she said to me and I wondered what there was to tell. We'd been together for months, and even if we hadn't talked that much that year, she still new enough. However she added: "We always said we'd tell each other about our first times. I can't believe you never told me about him."

And I understood. We had told each other a while back that we'd talk about our first times. I'd kept it secret from my friends. I hadn't wanted to tell Ben and Michael because they were boys, but I also didn't want them to be jealous of Stan. I wasn't sure why I hadn't mentioned it Ashley other than that I was worried she would be judgmental about it. She had been when I'd been with Hank. And she hadn't said anything against the random snogging or the other things I did with boys, but who knew if she actually had judged. She'd acted supportive and curious, but I could never know for sure. So I'd kept it quiet. However, I didn't mind talking to her about it now.

"Well let's go for a walk before we join the party, and you know there will be one," I told her.

We left the castle and went out to the grounds. We were both quiet at first, and I figured it was because we were both waiting until we weren't near anyone anymore. At times people liked to listen in on conversations and this was a private conversation and one people would want to hear. It was why I stayed quiet at any rate.

"So why didn't you tell me about you and Stan?" She asked the moment once we were far away from the castle and other people.

"I was worried you would be judgemental about it," I explained honestly. I might as well be upfront about it. "In second year when I brought up sex with Hank you got on your high horse about it."

"It's different this time," she replied and she looked offended. "You and Stan have been together a lot longer, and you're also not twelve anymore. Ellen, when you brought up sex with Hank you two hadn't been together long, and you only wanted to because you thought things weren't working out. Stan is better than Hank, or any of the other boys you've been with. You two have been together for a long time now. I wouldn't have judged you."

"Well I know that now," I replied. "It wasn't just that though, I know we said we would tell each other but I don't know, I just felt embarrassed as well. You don't know how embarrassed I felt when Dan said people had walked in on us."

I hated the fact that people had seen us, and me. They'd probably seen a lot of me. Stan should have closed the curtains considering that he'd walked in on Anne and Michael. Who knew exactly what those boys saw of me and how long they'd watched. I was the type of girl that most boys wanted to see naked and while they probably didn't want to Stan, they probably had got turned off by my body and seeing me having sex. That thought made me shudder inwardly.

"So when was the first time?" Ashley asked.

I felt my face warm up before I told her the truth. "Your house, we had sex in the guest room on New Year's Eve. Everyone was so busy downstairs and no one missed us."

"I wouldn't have judged," she said, "I actually think on New Year's Eve is kind of romantic to be honest. It's a lot better than my first time. Although the first time with Denver-"

The first time with Denver? That meant they'd already shagged and they had just gotten back together.

"You and Denver have already had sex?" I interrupted. "You two didn't waste time at all, did you?"

"We did the first day we got back together but we already dated once, and we were together for a while, I know we were broken up for two years but our feelings were still there. Neither one of us felt the need to wait since we'd both already had sex with people we didn't care about," she answered. "I don't regret it at all. It was better than I could have ever imagined. No offense to Jared at all, but it's just different with someone you love."

I wished I knew what she meant by that. I was sure with Ben it would be amazing. Stan was a great bloke, but I didn't love him. I didn't regret anything we did together and it always felt good, but with Ben I figured it'd be pure ecstasy. Once again I felt jealous of her, but then again, I reasoned with myself that she didn't actually love Denver. She just thought she did. So maybe she didn't actually know.

"I agree, and I wasn't trying to be judgmental," I finally said. "I guess it makes sense though. You two did have a good thing going on when you were together and I knew you never got over him, and even though he dated other girls I didn't think he was over you either. You're both older now, and I guess more experienced. So where did you have sex?"

I was even more shocked when she told me that it had been outside! Of all the places for my shy friend to shag, I'd never have expected it to be outside where anyone could walk over. Of course they had been hidden, but other people probably used that spot besides Denver and Ashley. Couples were always looking for hidden spots outside and I was sure that Stan and me had probably even been in there. I'd have to see it to know for sure.

"I kind of wish I'd waited now you know," she continued but I didn't agree with that one for once.

While it had annoyed me about Jared, she believed she loved Denver and they didn't have to deal with that awkwardness. They probably wouldn't have shagged so quickly otherwise. The two of them still had some sexual tension between them, and they got it out of their system right away instead of waiting a year or so. So perhaps he really was the one she loved after all. Maybe they were meant to be, but I just couldn't really imagine it. The two of them had always had a spark, but I thought there was someone else out there for her. I just hoped that it wasn't Ben.

"But at least you got the awkwardness out of the way with Jared. With Denver, it was automatically good. My first time with Stan was very painful and he felt so bad about it, it has gotten better of course. I would never take it back either, but at least with you and Denver it was just all pleasure you know? There was no embarrassment and you knew right away you wanted it with him," I told her.

"Denver kind of said the same thing," she said with a small nod. "You know the Andrew twins are nice girls, but wow do they ever get around. Ben, Jared and Denver as far as I know but there are probably more guys. I know I can't talk since it was casual with Jared."

"Lydia Jewel as well," I said and I felt annoyed again with Ben for that. Even if he wasn't interested in me, why would he choose her to shag over me? It really bothered me a lot but I didn't want to dwell on that or let it ruin my mood. So I went back to the original subject. Ashley couldn't compare herself to the Andrew twins. Jared was her only friends with benefits and Denver was her boyfriend. "It's different for you though, it was casual with Jared but Denver is your boyfriend. Other than Denver, none of those boys were Lydia's boyfriends and the Andrew twins haven't really had long term boyfriends have they?"

"How do you feel about Ben now?" She asked.

This was one topic that I didn't want to talk about, especially with her. On the other hand, I kind of wanted to know how she felt about him. She thought she loved Denver (and maybe she did) but she was just as affectionate with Ben as he was with her. Sometimes she was the one who would start it. I'd heard so many people say that they should shag and get it over with. So I decided to answer her question. It wasn't her fault after all the way Ben treated me. I decided not to lie and say I was over him. I figured she'd see through it, and what if we did end up dating after all? I didn't want to tell her later on that I lied.

Besides, I didn't want her to think I was using Stan even though in a way I was. However, I did like him and I enjoyed our time together. So that had to mean something.

"I guess I am going to have to get over it," I said and I felt sad when I said this. I didn't want to get over it. "Don't get me wrong, I really do like Stan a lot. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't but I guess I started to like Ben too. I think I have for a while. I'll be fine though, I mean Michael got over me eventually. I just thought this year with everything that happened at Quidditch that we had something between us. I just took that the wrong way. Michael told me Ben wants some girl, but he isn't sure she likes him back."

I made it sound as if this had just happened even though it had been for more than two years. It might have even started in first year, but as an eleven-year-old, I wouldn't have figured those feelings out.

"Ben told me the same thing; he told me he thinks of you as a sister. We've been hanging out with these boys for four years though, and it's better that way. We're all good friends this way, so it's better if we think of the boys as brothers and they think of us as sisters," she told me. "At least they don't act like protective older brothers though when it comes to our boyfriends."

So either she didn't have feelings for him, or she did and she didn't realize it. If she was lying about it, I would know. I felt relieved about this, but sad knowing that he probably didn't see her as a sister. I decided to bring this up to her to see what she would say about it.

"I don't think Ben thinks of you as a sister," I admitted. "To be honest, I think you're the girl he likes but he doesn't think he has a chance with."

I watched her face and I saw her eyes light up when I said this. Now was she happy about this or did she do it without knowing about it? Something told me it was the latter. Often I saw her staring at him, but I don't think she realized it. A lot of the time when she touched him it was if she didn't know she was doing it. It was like it was out of instinct for the two of them. And it made me wonder if that was why so many people believed they were meant to be. Most of the time they weren't doing it intentionally.

"What are you talking about?" She asked.

How did I explain it to her? Should I tell her that even Lindsay had suspected it during their relationship? There was a chance that Ben had dumped Lindsay for her. It was either her or me. Ben himself had confirmed this.

"Maybe I am completely wrong, but that's just what I think. Haven't you noticed the way he is with you?" I finally replied.

"We're just really good friends, besides he recommended I go to Denver. If he liked me, he wouldn't be telling me to date another boy," she told me.

I would have thought so too, but I also knew that he wanted to get over her. If it was me that he wanted right now, he probably wouldn't have rejected me. The only way to know for sure was to dump Stan, and I wasn't about to do that yet. Not if the girl actually was Ashley, and she seemed clueless. Maybe Michael would know.

"Maybe, but he also said he is trying hard to get over the girl," I reminded her, she knew this too. "I just get this feeling that's all."

"But I could never do that," Ashley told me. "I mean even if I weren't with Denver, and I do want to be with Denver, not Ben. I couldn't do that to you."

And I knew she was telling the truth. She'd never go for a boy that I liked. She wouldn't even go for Hank when I tried setting them up. He'd wanted to go on a date with her, but she didn't want to date hm for me. She knew that my love for Ben was deeper than for Hank. However, if she liked him and he liked her, I'd step back and let them. I would hate it, but I would do it. I'd done it for Lindsay. She was my best friend after all. I just hoped that I was very wrong and it wouldn't come to that.

"I'd get over it," I finally told her. "Maybe I am very wrong, but even if you two did end up together, I'd be fine with it. I was wrong about us being meant to be, so it has to be someone else. I guess Stan is the guy I am meant to be with."

"Okay but Ellen, Ben isn't interested in me. So it doesn't matter, and I plan to be with Denver for a very long time. I think it's Denver and me who are meant to be together. Don't you remember first year how he and Michael kept protesting that they would never date me? Just because they don't insult me anymore doesn't mean they are just going to suddenly be attracted. Ben is in love with some other girl, probably one of the Ravenclaw girls since he wants a girl that works hard at school. I just hope it isn't Tara," Ashley replied and my heart sank at that.

What if it was Tara? He'd said they had a complicated past and they didn't get along. Tara also wasn't with anyone. The only part that fit was the fact that he didn't know if she felt the same way. So that also meant it couldn't me either. But maybe he was confused about my feelings because of Stan.

"Oh gosh, I hope not," I said and face a face at that. "Anyone but her, or Lydia for that matter. Maybe it's Lindsay still."

Although I knew that wasn't true but I just wanted to get off the topic of Tara. Besides, Ben might have told her more about his relationship with her than me. Maybe she'd reveal something that neither had told me.

"Maybe, he did say he didn't think he had a chance. Their breakup wasn't a good one at all, and she is also friends with you," Ashley responded. "He said he didn't want to now because of you."

But that just made it sound as if it was Ashley even more. I knew it wasn't Lindsay, but what had just said confirmed it. Lindsay had told me that she was willing to get back with him and Ben knew that, but he wouldn't. I didn't see the point in telling her this however, so I just pretended to agree with her.

"Well I was angry with him about that since I got the two of them together, and she is my friend. It would bother me if they did get back together, even if I hadn't told him how I felt," I said.

"There, you see it's Lindsay," Ashley replied. She obviously didn't know much about their relationship. I was surprised because Ben always told her everything. "She makes sense, it definitely isn't me."

"If you say so," I said but I didn't agree. It was probably her. Now I just had to figure out if it was because Ben only thought he liked her, or he truly did. I couldn't ignore the looks he'd given me during Quidditch and our talks though. There had been love in his eyes. So either he didn't know it yet because he liked Ashley, or he was just in denial because of Stan. "Do you want to go back to the common room and see if they've started the party, it's getting late now."

"Sure," I answered. "Let's get some food from the kitchens too."

I was glad she gave in easily with this. I didn't want to talk about Ben anymore. I just wanted to get stupid drunk. I couldn't wait to go home. I could figure out my messed up feelings there. Perhaps once a few months went by it wouldn't hurt so much to hear or see Ben either. I hoped that I could see Stan often that summer.

Michael ended up going too far at the end of the year party. Not only did he anger a lot of people, but it made Anne dump him, and for good she told us. He had tried to force Ashley's first year friends to drink firewhiskey. We'd all been shocked by this. It was one thing when he called us buzz kills for not wanting to drink, but it was another when it came to the younger students. Now that I was older, I could understand why the older students hadn't wanted us to drink, and I felt the same way now. If they snuck it, I ignored it but I would never want to give them any if they asked me to. Forcing them to do it was worse.

He avoided us for days, but we told him that he didn't have a choice but to sit with us on the train so we could talk. Usually Ben's parents took him home, but Michael disappeared right away which seemed to be a red flag for all of us. I had to wonder if he was even going home. I was worried about him.

What he had done was very low, but I knew he was also depressed. He'd been worried that we were going to stop being his friends over what he'd done. We'd reassured him we weren't going to, but I didn't think he believed. I also knew that he was very upset about Anne. I'd been upset with my break ups but the two of them had been together for almost three years. I couldn't imagine how that felt. They had broken up during the three years they'd dated, but they always got back together. Anne had told him more than once since she'd broken up with him that they were done for good. There was no way Michael wanted to go home with all that on his mind. So I had to wonder what he was doing then.

After mum had dropped off Ashley and then took us home, I went into my room to write to him. I told him that if he didn't want to be at home, mum had offered the couch to him. I told him that he didn't need to go anywhere he didn't want to be, especially when he was feeling sad. I told him I understood how a break up felt, and that he could talk to me at any time.

As I finished the letter, Timmy ran into my room and jumped onto my bed.

"One more year to go Ellen! Can you believe that next summer we'll be getting ready for me to go? I hope the year goes by fast."

"Me too," I said, but I wanted the year to go by quick for different reasons. The next school year was OWL year. I wasn't looking forward to fifth year at all. If the last four years had been hard, next year was going to be insane.

"You miss me when you're gone don't you. You're excited for me to be at school with you," he responded still jumping, thinking that I was excited for him to go. Although in a way I was. I just hoped he wouldn't follow me around. It would be nice to see him more and to even see how he'd handle Hogwarts. I'd be the big sister at Hogwarts in a year.

"Well that and next year is OWL year," I explained. "It's going to be so hard next year. They're going to pile the school work up. I won't get a break this year."

"Well I hope you'll work hard this year," Timmy said and he stopped bouncing. He sat down cross legged on my bed. "This is a very important year Ellen. You need to get your OWLs."

I groaned. "Oh not you too," I said. "I get enough from Ben, mum and my teachers. I don't need it from you too. Since when do you care?"

"I've always cared," Timmy said. "Even when I was little I thought that you should work harder. I don't understand why you don't. Now you shouldn't slack off because the OWLs are the most important exams you'll take."

"Have you been listening to mum or something?" I asked him. He sounded older than ten when he said that. He sounded like a school teacher in fact. It sounded like something Sprout would even say.

"No. I've just read as much as I can about Hogwarts. I've asked mum a lot too. I am so excited to go and I want to know everything. I've read your old textbooks and I've been practicing the wand movements with a stick. I did try the fake wands but it's hard when they turn into something else. I just know that OWLs are very important and then you're a NEWT student and then you take those exams," he said to me.

"You're going to be a nose to the grindstone type of kid aren't you?" I asked. "You're going to be just like Ben I bet," and then I walked over to my trunk to pull out the fourth year textbooks I wouldn't need anymore and dropped them in front of him. "Well there you go, you can read to your hearts content. They'll be yours someday anyway."

"But shouldn't you keep those until after your fifth year? I only need your old first year books next year. I don't need them yet. I just read them because I am excited, but you might need them to study for OWLs," he said.

"Nope, they are yours to do what you want with," I answered him. "I still have all my old notes. I almost burnt my first year notes you know, but Ben stopped me. I'll be burning all my notes at the end of fifth year because I won't need them anymore."

"You're hopeless Ellen," Timmy said.

"I could say the same about you," I shot back. "Brown noser."

I didn't want to fight with him though, so I sat down on the bed with him. Maybe I could help him practice some of the spells with his stick. If he wanted to be like Ben, I wasn't going to stop him. Mum and dad did need a serious kid after all and I never would be. I just couldn't believe that he was like that at ten! What would he be like when he was about to start fifth year? Would he be like Ben and nag his friends?

"I'd rather be a brown noser than someone who fails," Timmy said and he grabbed the parchment that contained all of my marks. It had fallen out of one my books. I hadn't shown it to mum yet, but I imagined she'd be in my room soon to see them. At the moment she was making us dinner. "Ellen, look at all these marks. You're barely passing any of your classes. You can't keep going on like this."

"Timmy, you're ten years old and you sound like someone mum's age," I told him. "Now do you want to look through these spells or not?"

Since when did my brother act grown up like this? One moment he could revert back to a little boy, but the next he acted older than me. It was annoying.

"Sure, but I just don't want you to fail Ellen," Timmy said to me. "Maybe you haven't yet but what about when you take your exams?"

"Timmy-"

"Ellen please just promise me you won't fail you OWLs. Even if you ignore your school work, please just do good on your exams," and he held out his pinky.

In the muggle word, a pinky promise was something that kids did but it meant nothing except a betrayal of friendship, but you moved on. In the Wizarding World, it truly did mean you were breaking a promise. Nothing bad happened exactly. It wasn't like an unbreakable vow, but somehow it did make the guilty party feel worse. Now I didn't know if it was from the magic of the promise or just because it gave you a guilty conscious. I just knew that when you made one, you felt warmth in your pinkies, as if you were making an official bond and when it was broken, both parties felt bad. I'd never had that when I'd made a pinky promise with a muggle. So I believed there was some magic involved. I linked my pinky into his and felt that familiar warmth.

"Now you have to work hard," Timmy said to me.

"Why does it mean so much to you?"

"Because you're my big sister," he said. "You'll make me sad you know Ellen."

"Now you're just being manipulative," I said finally smiling. I could tell what he was doing with the last part and he grinned. "It's a good thing you're still cute. That's not always going to work you know. Someday you're going to be twelve and or thirteen and I won't see it that way. So enjoy it while you can. You're not always going to be a cute little boy."

"I bet even when I am all grown up like that you'll still see me as a little boy," he said.

"You could be right, but trust me, it's not cute at fourteen or fifteen like it is at ten," I answered. "It shouldn't even still be cute for you, but somehow it is. You should be too old for this. That's what I don't understand about you. How can you be a little boy one moment and a thirty-year-old the next?"

"It's a gift," he answered. "Now show me some spells. I wanna be as good at Charms as Ashley is."

"Well when she comes over you'll have to bother her then," I said but I opened my spells book. It wouldn't hurt to practice with him after all. I did want to be good at magic, I just didn't want to do the written work that came with it.

It was how I spent the evening, and I couldn't think of a better way to spend it. I truly did love him. I always forgot about that when he angered me.

It turned out I was right, or half right about Michael. He didn't go home right away, and when he did, he didn't stay there. I didn't know the full details except what he'd written in his letter. He left his house and went to stay at a motel. However, he'd realized he didn't have enough money to stay long, so eventually he went to Diagon Alley. He stayed at the Leaky Cauldron and worked for room and board.

He'd written all three of us the same letter and then sent out three copies. I was angry when I got his letter because I'd told him to come over if he really needed to. I also knew that he had a place at Jared's, Ashley's and Ben's. There was no reason at all for him to live in a motel. He was doing it because of his stubborn pride and that was it.

Thankfully from what I was told later on, Ben's parents picked him up and took him home. They now shared joint custody with Ashley's parents. He never had to go home again, and he could either stay at Ben's or Ashley's. I was happy to know that he'd never have to return home again. He wouldn't live in that filthy place anymore, and he wouldn't dread the summers anymore. We wouldn't have to deal with that attitude anymore.

That summer, I hung out with Zachary and his friends again. By the sounds of it, my friends wanted to get together even more that year. There was a weekend even when Ashley wanted us to go down when her parents wouldn't be there. I was looking forward to that. Stan would also be there. So far we'd only kept in contact by letters and it wasn't enough.

I wondered if it was why I ended up doing the regrettable. I was no saint and I'd done a lot of bad things in my life. I'd talked about my friends behind their backs. I was rude to the other girls at Hogwarts. I slacked off in school. However, I'd never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone, especially someone who cared deeply about me. It was something I would regret for years, and something I could never tell my friends about. They would judge me, but rightfully so.

I slept with Zachary and more than once. I cheated on Stan when I was sure that he loved me. I could blame it on the alcohol and weed all I wanted, but I knew being drunk and high wasn't an excuse. What I did was a very bitchy thing and nothing could justify it, but I certainly tried that summer.

Although I kept myself busy everyday by doing school work, writing to my friends and Stan, hanging out with my brother and hanging out with my muggle friends, something was missing. I missed the sex and intimacy a lot. It was hard knowing that it would be at least a month before Stan and I would get together again. He'd wanted for us to try and meet in London a few times, but his parents wouldn't let him. He was only allowed to go to Hank's or Jared's or eventually even Ashley's, but they didn't want him alone in London, especially to see a girlfriend. So we had to settle with writing. I had the feeling his parents hadn't liked me when he'd introduced us and I didn't know why. So perhaps it wasn't even the fact that they didn't want him alone in London, they just didn't want him hanging out with me.

At any rate, I missed him deeply and I had many attractive blokes that I hung out with. Zachary was getting better looking as he got older. Every time we hung out in the pool or at my place or somewhere on the streets of London, I wanted him. I believed he must have started working out or something because his body looked different from the year before. He looked like he had more muscle. I had my needs and I wanted someone to take care of them. I wanted him. I ignored those thoughts for the most part however because I had Stan.

However, the one night when we got drunk, the two of us ended up sitting squished together on the couch at his place because of his friends. Just having his warm body up against my side made me want him. As soon as I had the chance, I turned to him and kissed him. I waited for him to tell me to back off because of Stan, but he kissed me back. He obviously didn't care that I had a boyfriend that I was cheating on. It made me wonder if he wanted me as bad as I wanted him. There was no hesitation or protesting at all. Not even when we ended up in his bedroom and I began undressing him.

"You're amazing," he told me afterwards. "You know what you're doing. You've obviously been shagging since last summer."

"Well I've been with Stan for almost a year," I told him. "We started New Years eve."

"Well I thank him," Zachary said. "Last year was fun of course, but it was hard holding back. All I'd wanted to do was shag you but I respected your boundaries. You gave me blue balls many times."

"Blue balls?" I asked and he laughed and explained the meaning.

"But you've grown over the year. What about Ashley? Would she ever be up for it?" He asked.

"She has a boyfriend and besides, you can't shag her after you've shagged me," I said feeling instant jealousy. Zachary noticed this right away.

"So let me get this straight. It's okay for you to cheat on your boyfriend with me, but I can't shag your friend even though I am single. It's too bad she has a boyfriend. I wanted to shag her last summer. If you've grown, I figure you have to," he said.

I was angry and I moved away from quickly to get out of his bed. I quickly began to get dressed.

"You are such an ignorant prat!" I said angrily. "I never want to talk to you again! How can you talk about shagging another girl after you've been with me? Stay away from me from now on!"

"Aw shucks, the shag and dump," Zachary said grinning at me from the bed. I sighed trying not to notice how wonderful he looked naked. "Yes, I am the ignorant one here. You'll be back Ellen."

Furiously, I left his room quickly. I hoped I never saw him again. I hoped he would never get another girl again. Why would he want Ashley after he'd just shagged me? How could he even talk about that? Even if we weren't dating, you didn't do that. He was supposed to just focus on me and no one else.

Deep down I knew I was being irrational because I had just cheated on Stan. Zachary wasn't in the wrong, it was me. The worst part was, I didn't even feel guilt at first. The only thing that was on my mind was the fact that he'd talked about shagging Ashley. I quickly checked my appearance outside my apartment door before I entered. I didn't want mum to guess anything. I made sure my clothes were straight and that my hair wasn't out of place. I'd sobered up, so I wasn't worried about the alcohol.

However, mum knew something was wrong the moment I entered.

"Zachary wants to shag Ashley!" I spat without thinking when she asked. "Why would he want her over me?"

"First of all, why are you even talking about that? Secondly, you have a boyfriend. Ellen, what has been going on?" Mum demanded and I realized what I'd just said. "Do I need to be worried? I trust you Ellen."

"Oh the boys were playing some stupid game about who they would shag and who they wouldn't," I answered. This was a game they did play and the boys at Hogwarts too. "Zachary said he would shag Ashley! He never mentioned my name though."

"Well he knows you have a boyfriend dear," mum said. "So of course he won't mention your name. Ellen, you need to get past this insecurity and jealousy that you have with her. Now you're getting upset over a hypothetical situation. I'm telling you this because I love you. I've listened to you the past few years complaining about her. No good can come from this. She's your best friend and your hers."

"I just don't like when I am chosen but she is," I muttered and mum just rolled her eyes.

"Ellen dear, go get ready for bed and I'll make you a snack. Stop worrying about silly things. You're stressing yourself out for no reason," and she walked off into the kitchen without another word.

In the shower I thought about what both mum and Zachary had said. Of course they were right. I had no reason to be angry, especially after what I'd just done. It wasn't until I was sitting in my room and munching on a cracker platter mum had made, and drinking hot chocolate when I felt guilt. An owl flew through my window with a letter from Stan. I almost wanted to cry as I read through his letter. He told me about his day and how much he missed me. I couldn't bring myself to write back to him right away. Poor loyal Stan. Not only was I in love with someone else, but I had just cheated on with a muggle boy.

Unfortunately, the guilt didn't stop me from going back to Zachary. After a couple of days, I started to talk to him again. I hated how arrogant he acted when I did talk to him again. He'd known all along that I would go back to him. When he kissed me I didn't stop him either. I wanted sex and I couldn't have Stan, so I had to get it from the next best person. He was better than Stan in bed too, so I had to wonder how it would be when we did get together again.

I went over to Ashley's one weekend in July. I considered talking to her about what I was doing, but in the end I decided not to. She'd invited Denver as well that weekend, but I was worried she'd get all pious on me. Especially since she knew how I felt about Ben. She'd probably tell me to end things with him, but I couldn't do it. I needed someone and Ben didn't want me yet. Maybe he never would. I was keeping the hope alive that he would realize how he felt though, especially when I thought about the loving looks he'd given me. So I couldn't end things with Stan until I knew for sure. I couldn't be single for a long while. My only option would be to shag random boys, and I didn't know if I could do that. Zachary was one thing, but it would be different if it were random boys like I had with snogging.

That weekend was spent with Ashley's mum making me be around Ashley and Denver at all times anyway. I didn't even mention Zachary to her at all. I hadn't in my letters either. What was the point? I just gave them the gist of my summer. I'd been swimming, doing homework and hanging out with Timmy. They didn't need to know about the alcohol, drugs or sex. I was living a double life.

It wasn't until the weekend at Ashley's when her parents were gone when I felt the intense guilt. Stan was there too, and he was so happy to see me. I'd just been with Zachary the night before. It was even worse when I saw Ben. He looked so damn hot. He'd gone on vacation with his family at some beach house and he was all tan. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Of course he noticed this and he glared at me. He then launched into school work as if to anger me. So to anger him back, I told him that I was just focusing on the easy subjects that year. This caused a fight between us.

I was already annoyed with him as it was. That year he'd decided to have a pool party at his place. He'd written a letter to me to tell me that he wanted to use it as an opportunity to have a surprise party for Ashley. Why did he always have to do so much for her? My birthday was in August and he'd never thought to do anything for mine, but he wanted a party for her. Why couldn't we have a joint party?

I wanted to write a long letter to him asking him why he had to treat me the way he did, but I didn't. All he would do was get defensive about it. So I just wrote back that I would help him, but I was very annoyed. I was even more annoyed at Ashley's. Denver and Ashley were all over each other but it was understandable. It had been a while since they'd seen other. Stan wanted me as well. Unfortunately I wasn't as happy to see him as he was me, even if I put on a show. I felt guilty because of Zachary, I still wanted Ben, and it was hard for me to know if I still wanted Stan or not. I hadn't missed him as much as I thought I would. I had at first because of the lack of sex, but once I'd started sleeping with Zachary, I stopped missing him. That should have told me something, but it didn't.

Anyway, since Denver and Ashley were all over each other, Ben was acting all jealous. At times I thought he didn't want to hide it anymore. He was the one who had pushed them together, and yet he wouldn't stop staring at them. I even heard him complain that he hated that the weekend was for them to shag to Stan. Stan commented on this later to me after we'd made love.

"Guaranteed Ben is ready to go home," Stan said to me. "He probably wants to take the Knight Bus home right now."

"Why?" I asked.

I was trying to ignore the sounds coming from the room over. Now I understood how Stan's dorm mates felt when they'd walked in on us, or Michael and Anne. Even though we couldn't see them, we could hear Ashley and Denver. I didn't want to hear my best friend shagging, and it was obvious that it was good coming from her moans. I shouldn't have known that, and I shouldn't have been wishing that it was me instead of her. I'd never wanted Denver, so why was I wishing to be in there when Stan had just given me the same thing? There was a clock radio in the spare room, so I reached over to turn it on. I turned it up hoping to block out the sounds.

"That's why," Stan said with a laugh. "Although, you have to admit, it's kind of hot."

"Hot? Really?" I asked him.

"I guess you're not getting turned on by it," Stan said.

"Well I am, I just didn't know what you meant," I answered. For a moment I thought he wanted Ashley or something. "That's normal then?"

"Guess so. I can't really answer that Ellen. People do get turned on my porn though. All I know is that it's making me want to go again," he said and he kissed me as we heard another loud moan. This couldn't be normal, but at the moment I didn't care. It was making me want to fuck Stan again.

I couldn't help but wonder if Stan was right later on though. Could Michael and Ben hear what was going on? In Ashley's house, you could hear a lot. So there was a chance they could. Was Ben upset by the sounds if he could? Was he jealous? Would we wake up the next day with him gone? I hated thinking about Ben when I was with Stan, but at times I did. I snuggled up to him and pretended that it was Ben holding me instead. I dozed off feeling guilty. All night I dreamed about Stan finding out not just about Ben but Zachary too. He chased after my hexing me as I ran through Hogwarts corridors. I ran up to the Astronomy tower where I had no choice but to jump. I woke up as I was falling. I glanced at Stan who was still sleeping peacefully. I was a very bad person.

Those guilty thoughts didn't stop me from sleeping with Zachary for the rest of the summer. Even knowing what I was doing was wrong I kept doing it anyway. I let it go on until we went to Ben's. I slept with him one more time and then told him that we shouldn't for the rest of the summer.

"You're feeling guilty about it now?" Zachary asked me. "The summer is basically over. You're going back to school very soon, and now you have a conscious?"

"I've felt guilty all summer," I responded. "But now with me going back to school I think we should stop. I have a pool party to go to and Stan will be there. I felt terrible when we hung out at Ashley's."

"Why are you still with him if you don't love him? It's still that Ben bloke who you want isn't it? So why don't you try and be with him?" Zachary asked.

"None of your business!" I snapped.

"Ellen, I don't understand why you are treating me this way. I kept quiet for the most part this summer. I slept with you regardless of the fact that you have a boyfriend. You've been a bitch to me sometimes by getting jealous. I've been nothing but good to you. I think you at least owe me an explanation," he said to me. "The entire time we've known each other, I have never been anything but nice to you. I was there when you wanted someone. I didn't have to shag you this summer."

"I think it was me doing you a favour more than anything," I retorted.

"You have quite the ego sweetheart. I asked you a simple question. So why are you being so rude to me?" He asked.

He was right of course. He didn't deserve this. So I sighed and apologized to him.

"Ben doesn't want to be with me," I answered. "I told him how I felt and he rejected me."

"He wants Ashley instead," Zachary stated. It wasn't a question.

"I think so, but I don't know for sure," and then I explained everything to him except I substituted Quidditch with soccer.

"Sounds like you've been delusional about him to me," Zachary said. "He was only this way when you two played soccer because you both like it."

"But it's our love for Qui- soccer that brought us together. He always looked so happy when I talked to him about it," I said.

"Ellen, there are certain things I like about you. You are passionate about certain things, and it's what makes you so enduring. I love hearing you talk about certain things, but I don't love you. I just like how you are. It's the same with Ben. You two like soccer, it's what you have in common, so of course he was happy to talk about it with you. He likes your passion especially since you are so good at the game. You were reading into it too much," Zachary told me.

"You don't even know him," I said.

"But I know you and I know other blokes. Look at how much I usually avoid Regina. Of course sometimes I've shagged her, which I regret now, but for the most part I keep her at arms length. When I want a girl, I do everything I can to be near her and to get the opportunity to touch her. I've always been that way with you. Considering how you say Ben is with Ashley and he is with you, it's safe to say it's Ashley he wants. I am even willing to bet that he has always known how you felt and it's why he has kept you at a distance. He didn't want to lead you on. It's the only thing that makes sense because most blokes would want a piece of you Ellen, but he gets uncomfortable with you. He was afraid to give you false hope, and that's why he acted as if you had the lurgy," Zachary explained.

"He does it because of Stan," I said weakly.

"Ellen, you know that's not true. You know you're in denial. Now you are using this Stan bloke. I will never turn you away, but if you respect the boy at all, you'll end things with him. You've slept me all summer and yet you're probably going to hang out with him as if nothing is wrong. You probably slept with him during that weekend at Ashley's, and you probably will again at the pool party," Zachary replied.

I groaned and put my face into my hands.

"How do you know me so well?" I asked.

"I've been in that situation," Zachary said, "and I know others who have been. I didn't cheat because I haven't had a committed girlfriend, but I just understand what you're doing."

"What Stan doesn't know won't hurt him," I answered. "I'm with him until I get tired of it or when Ben notices me."

"Ben isn't going to notice you," Zachary replied. "Anyway, have a good time at the pool party. I'm here if you want to hang out before you go back to school."

I did feel guilty again when I saw Stan again at Ben's. I tried to be as affectionate with him as possible to make up for it, and I knew he loved it. He would never suspect that I'd spent the whole summer cheating on him.

He actually spent the time trying to show me off even though everyone there knew we were together. I loved the attention though, so I let him do it. It was time to go back to Hogwarts Ellen instead of Muggle Ellen. It was easy enough to switch between the two personalities. I went from being a bitch to the supportive friend again.

I was tested later on that day when Ben's family brought out a cake for Ashley. I'd had to spend the time sending letters to Ben and other people about her party, but now I had to witness it. I had to watch as she looked up in shock about what he'd done for her. I had to watch her walk over to blow out the candles. And then I saw the look she gave him and he gave her. She looked at him with such love. She was grateful of course, but the look on her face was love. He stared back at her with the same look, and it was as if their eyes locked. I wasn't the only one to see this either. I could hear others pointing it out.

"Maybe Denver is going to get dumped later so they can shag," Stan muttered beside me.

I wanted to cry but I didn't. I just stayed where I was so I could congratulate her. I had to be a good friend to her and to him. I definitely had to be a good girlfriend to Stan. So I put a fake smile on my face and cheered and clapped with everyone.

Later on though, I did admit my feelings to her about this. I was jealous. There was no reason for why he couldn't have done a joint party for us at all, but he hadn't.

"This is why I still believe he secretly likes you," I told her.

"We kind of celebrated it at my house,"she replied which was true."But you'd even said you didn't want a party. If you'd wanted one, I would have done more for you. It's why I was glad my parents picked that weekend. It was kind of the reason I let you have Stan over."

That was true as well. The reason why I didn't want a birthday party was because of my jealousy. I wanted a pool party too. I didn't want the small get together with friends. I wanted Ben to put in as much effort as he had with her, but he hadn't. So I'd just let my friends give me gifts at Ashley's and we'd drank. That was it.

"I know that," I told her. "But still, Ben didn't really acknowledge it. The gift he gave me was nice, but look at all this Ashley. He went to so much effort for you."

"Well it's convenient," Ashley answered. "Besides, I still think it's Lindsay who is the mysterious girl."

How could she be that clueless? She didn't sound so sure this time though. She looked at him again with such love, and even later that night I could see it. She was realizing how she felt about him. I wanted to go home and cry but I didn't. Michael noticed I seemed kind of misty eyed as I gazed at them. We were getting ready for bed and they were of course sitting close together. I knew if Denver saw where Ben's hand was, he'd lose it on her. I couldn't judge her considering that I'd shagged Zachary, but I was realizing that I wasn't the only one with the wrong boy for Ben. How did it come to the point that her and me had fallen for the same boy? Why did it seem like I was about to lose to her?

"You okay?" Michael whispered to me and he nodded over to Ashley and Ben. "They do seem quite close don't they? She almost looks like she is in love too."

"In love too?" I asked looking at him. Did he know something I didn't?

"Well you're in love with him, and she looks that way too," Michael said. "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. She's probably just grateful you know."

"I'm just thinking about my father," I lied. "I didn't see him all summer. Mum said he's dating some girl. So he is choosing some girl over Timmy and me."

That wasn't a lie but I'd tried not to let it bother me that summer. It was one of the reasons I had drank so much. I didn't want to think about it. I hadn't want to think about dad, Ben or any other stresses in my life. I understood how Michael felt now. I wondered if he'd tried weed at all. It helped too.

"He's going to realize he is a git someday and come back to you," Michael told me.

"Who is?" Ben asked as he and Ashley joined us.

"My dad," I said and I quickly told them what I'd told Michael.

Ben and Ashley quickly began to reassure me as well. It didn't make me feel better though. Not much really could except alcohol and sex. Maybe it was why I wanted it so much. It felt so good and I forgot my problems.

Things for me only got worse after Ashley's party. I could tell that something was bothering her. She was very quiet except when we talked to her. That was a sign right there. She'd obviously made good money that summer baby-sitting because not only did she buy a new trunk, but she'd bought all four of us these message parchment things.

They were brilliant!

You could write to anyone who had them as long as you had their numbers. It was like the DA coins or something muggles would use like the internet or cell phones. They were perfect for writing to each other in classes. Ben automatically forbid us from writing to him in class but I took advantage of mine to write to Ashley. I needed to know what was bothering her.

So are you going to me what is bothering you? I wrote. And don't tell me nothing is bothering you. I can tell. We've been best friends for four years.

I glanced over at her to see that she was writing back. With the parchments, your message disappeared from you own the moment the person wrote back. I thought it was a good system. At least someone couldn't pretend to ignore me. I'd know.

I don't think I can tell you Ellen.

I had a feeling I knew why, but I needed her to tell me. I decided to start with Denver first. If it was Ben, she'd tell me that it wasn't Denver.

Why not? Is it Denver?

It's Denver but it's also something else.

So it was Denver. Maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe they fought again and she was worried they'd break up. Maybe I'd imagined the love between her and Ben. I didn't want another second year, so I wrote back quickly.

What? Please just tell me. You know it's better to talk about these things instead of keeping it bottled up. You can trust me.

It's not about trust, I know I can trust you but what I tell you might upset you.

I knew instantly then that it was Ben after all. She was conflicted about Denver because she wanted Ben, but she didn't want to hurt either me or Denver. I needed her to tell me this herself though.

I can handle whatever you're going to tell me. If it's going to upset me, you should be telling me then. I'll try to understand.

And I would try. I didn't want her and Ben together. I wanted him, but I wasn't going to tell her not to date him either. I couldn't be that selfish. There was a chance that they liked each other now but would realize they were wrong anyway. My fantasies about Ben and me could still come true. Since I was understanding now, Ashley would later on when we did date. My stomach hurt and I wanted to cry, but I had to be supportive.

I think I have feelings for Ben. I've been feeling this way since my birthday party. I think there's a chance those feelings have always been there, but I just didn't realize it. I keep hoping what you say is right, but I really don't think you are. There is Denver to think about as well. We only just got back together, but I also just don't think I feel like the way I did before. I am so confused.

I was right. She wanted him. I was upset to read the words and I wanted to yell at her, but I didn't. I was her friend and Ben didn't want me right now. I'd already told her that I was okay with her and Ben. So I was going to remain okay.

I'm not upset. I suspected this was going to happen. I was mistaken last year when I thought I wanted him. Ben and I will never work out, but I think you two will. I think you need to break it off with Denver and then tell Ben how you feel because I truly believe he wants you back.

It was advice I should have taken when it came to Stan, but I was giving it to my friend instead.

I don't think he does. You're right that I need to end it with Denver. I will tonight even though I feel awful about it, but I don't know about Ben.

I rolled my eyes at this. If I could confess my feelings for Ben, and Michael could for me, then she could for Ben. Our group had already shown that we could get through this. We could again.

The worse thing he can do is say no. Look, I worried about it as well and I still feel embarrassed that I mentioned it in front of you two. I just couldn't help it. I think you should get him alone and talk to him. I can even distract Michael if you want. Maybe I'll go hang out with Stan, Hank, and Jared and I will tell Michael to come with me. You need to tell him. You're just going to wonder for the rest of your life if you don't. I can even find out if he likes you for you.

I wished I hadn't added the last part, but I would do it. I'd done it for Lindsay, I could for Ashley. I'd heard Ben say I wasn't a true Hufflepuff, but if this wasn't being a Hufflepuff, I didn't know what was. Not too many people could do what I was doing for their friend. I was putting my feelings aside for a friend.

I think I should wait before I say anything. I don't want to jump from one relationship to the next.

I thought this was a huge mistake and I even told her that. I'd learned that the hard way.

Don't wait for too long, but I think I am going to hint at Ben to see if he's interested back because if he is, I think you need to go for it. I just really think you two are interested in each other, and if I have to be honest I think you two have been since second year but neither of you realized it. What I felt for Ben was nothing, and it's the same with Michael. He was just grateful towards me. I think you and Ben have real feelings more than anything you and Denver felt for each other.

I almost believed the words that I wrote to her. I wanted to believe that my feelings weren't real for Ben. I also believed I was right that they'd loved each other since second year, just like I had loved Ben since second year and Michael had loved me since then. People had warned us this would happen, but we hadn't listened. We all loved someone in our group that we couldn't have.

I just don't know what to tell Denver when I break up with him. I considered telling him that we should break up because fifth year will be hard, but if I end up with Ben, which I doubt that will just be insulting to him.

This was easy enough.

Just tell him you don't have the feelings you thought you had for him.

I sighed. There, I had put my friend first. I'd told her to go for Ben. I tried not to think about the fact that the two of them could be together that night. Ashley said she wanted to wait, but maybe once she dumped Denver she would change her mind. I sighed sadly. I figured this was my way of making things up to her. I hadn't always been a loyal friend to her after all. I'd talked behind her back and I'd thought mean things about her. Her sixteenth birthday was in a few days. This was my gift to her.

I did feel sad for the rest of the day, even if I didn't show it. Normally my friends would probably noticed this, but most people were distracted by our homework load. Ben seemed to do his best not to look at me, so he wouldn't notice if I was sad, Ashley was obviously distracted by her own conflicts and Michael was staring at Anne. Obviously he wasn't over her yet, and she was talking to Joey quite a bit. So all of my friends had their own problems, and I didn't have to worry about anyone asking me what was wrong.

That was until Stan and me ended up being alone later that day.

"It's hard being away from you so long," he said as he wrapped his arms around me and he kissed me. I tried not to feel guilty. All summer I'd been on his mind, and I had been with a muggle boy. At that moment if I could, I'd take it all back. What was wrong with me? He seemed to sense something was wrong and he held me tighter.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" He asked. "You seem kind of down."

"I'm just overwhelmed by the workload," I lied, well half lied. I was overwhelmed by the work load. We had more work that day then we'd probably had in a month in the first year!

"I know, I am not looking forward to this. You will work harder this year though won't you?" He asked.

"I promised Timmy I would," I answered.

Why did everyone care so much if I tried hard? I had enough going on. I didn't want to think about school work too. This year was going to be too stressful and it wasn't just because of the school work. How would I find time to practice Quidditch, do all the school work, hang out with my friends and spend time with Stan? How would I be able to handle seeing Ashley and Ben together if she was the mystery girl? I almost wanted to write to her on the parchment she'd given me and tell her that I'd changed my mind. I wanted to tell her that she couldn't date him after all, but I didn't.

"The weekend will be here soon enough and we'll relax at least on Friday and part of Saturday. I think you and me need to set a few hours aside where it's just the two of us. You seem too tense and we haven't been alone for ages," Stan said.

"Sounds good to me," I said dully. "I think tonight I'll hang out with you instead of my friends. I know you're serious about school, but I don't think I can deal with Ben tonight."

"In all honesty, I am surprised you two have been friends this long," Stan said. "Considering your attitude and his attitude, you two seem like your personalities would conflict. It's a good thing you've never dated. That relationship would probably be over in a week."

"You don't know that," I answered without thinking. I realized what I'd said quickly though and I didn't want him to guess anything was wrong. It was bad enough that I had cheated on him, he didn't need to worry about me being around Ben. He did look worried. "Not that we'll ever find out because we both like different people. I just mean you never know what can happen in relationships. Look at Ashley and Jared for example."

"Jared is in love with her," Stan answered losing the worried look on his face and now smiling. "He regrets that he didn't take the chance when she was still single. Not that her and Denver will last. I think at any moment her and Ben are going to figure out that they're in love."

I didn't want to talk about Ben and Ashley at the moment, so I directed the conversation back to Ashley and Jared. I'd always suspected that he was in love with her, but Stan was confirming this. Did that mean he had admitted to it? I had a hard time imagining Jared admitting that he loved anyone, let alone Ashley.

"How do you know that?"

"He's my best friend. He's been in love with her since some time in second year. Hank and me have been telling him to ask her out for years. He wouldn't do it though because of their past. He was worried she'd reject him. We pointed out that Denver was a lot worse to her than he'd ever been. If she could forgive him for all that, then she would give Jared a chance. When they shagged we told him to just do it. The two of them have had so much sexual tension between them for years," Stan told me.

"I wish he had," I said. "He probably would better for her than Denver. I've never forgiven him for what he put her through in second year and I didn't want her to go back to him. I've been supportive of her relationship with him, but I've never agreed with it."

"They're not going to last much longer," Stan said. "She's in love with Ben. I can tell."

He didn't realize how right he was, and if Ashley had the guts, she was going to end it with Denver that night. I hoped she would chicken out and stay with him. Even if nothing happened with Ben (and I was hoping it wouldn't even if I'd told her to go for him) I didn't want her with him. Hell, if Ben rejected her, I was going to get her to go for Jared. We all believed he was secretly dating some girl named Jolene, but I knew he'd dump her for Ashley. If he had actually admitted he loved her, he would do it. I decided to ask Stan this to confirm it for sure. If Ben rejected her, I'd tell her this.

"Do you think Jared would dump Jolene for Ashley?" I asked him. "We all know he is secretly dating her."

"Yes," Stan said without hesitation. "He hasn't admitted yet that they're together, but she's someone to distract him. Hank and I both know it. There is something about her that is similar to Ashley and that's why he is with her. If Ashley walked up to him right now and told her that she wanted to date him, he'd tell Jolene to get lost."

I nodded feeling glad about this. There was still a chance that I was wrong about Ben. At least my friend wouldn't be heartbroken for long. She just needed to take the step and actually end things with Denver.

Thankfully she actually did it. It turned out that it was Denver who pulled the plug, but they were both in agreement about it. Apparently Denver had done it because he was worried about finding time to spend with her, do prefect duties and do homework. I was surprised he'd been made prefect considering the amount of detentions he'd had. It didn't make sense because Ashley hadn't been made a prefect. We'd all be worried it would be Melanie, but thankfully it was Sarah. I just thought Ashley deserved it more than Sarah.

I tried to get Ashley to tell Ben that night. I felt like it was ripping off a band-aid for both of us. I could get used to the idea of them together right away. If he rejected her though, at least I'd know and I wouldn't have to stress about it anymore. For her, she could know too right away. I wanted to try and get Michael away from Ben and Ashley, but he wouldn't come with me. Ashley glared at me when I did this, but I didn't care. It was now or never in my mind.

Friday night came, and Ashley still hadn't done anything about Ben. Everyone knew by that point that her and Denver had broken up. I knew half the people were waiting for her to get depressed again, while the other half thought it was funny. They hadn't gotten back together for very long and the relationship was already over. I knew most people were surprised to see that most of them seemed fine. I overheard Lydia telling Tara that she was waiting for Ashley to have a break down. I knew her, Tara and Natalie were all watching Ashley very closely for it to happen.

I tried my best to get her to talk to Ben. I wrote to her constantly on the message parchment. They were a god send and I wanted to get some for my mum, dad and Timmy. Not only could you have private conversations, but I wouldn't have to worry about owls anymore. I could get a reply right away instead of waiting for the owl to get to the destination. I was going to buy some when we had our next Hogsmeade visit for them. Why hadn't they been invented sooner?

Ashley tried to make excuses for why she shouldn't such as what happened with Michael in second year. Our friendship had survived that, and Ben and me still talked. So she could tell him how she felt. She was so sure that she wasn't the mystery girl.

Finally though, everything came out Friday night and it turned out we were all right. Ashley saw Ben making out with a girl named Mallory, and I could see the hurt on her face. I could understand it because I felt the same way when I saw him. I tried to hide my emotions and focus on my best friend instead. I knew he had no interest at all in Mallory. I suspected that he was really drunk and he just wanted to snog someone to get his mind off of school work and Ashley or whoever the mystery girl was. He'd told us all earlier that he was fed up with work already too and he just wanted a night to forget it all. Everyone was also celebrating Ashley's and Sarah's sixteen birthday's. Ashley's had been the day before and it was Sarah's that day. I figured most people didn't actually care about that however. They just wanted a night to drink.

When I saw Ashley rushing to the girls dorms, I told Stan I'd be right back and chased after her. I was not going to let her spend the night depressed about this. Mallory meant nothing to him. I was going to make it happen that night. Even if he rejected Ashley, she would know and I would spend the night comforting her and telling her all about Jared.

"Come on, I told you this would happen," I told her as I watched her flop down into her bed. I was good with my levitation charms now. I would put her in the body-bind and force her back upstairs if I had to. "You need to tell him. You know he isn't interested in her. He's just looking for a quick snog."

"It doesn't matter anyway," she sighed. "It's not me who he wants."

All the anger that I'd been holding back towards her, Ben and even my dad came out at that moment. If I could confess to Ben so could she! If Michael could confess to me, so could she! There was no way she was going to spend the damn weekend in bed. Sometimes I believed she was emotionally weak. If I could put my feelings aside for her, then she could tell Ben how she felt. She'd done it with Denver. She'd asked out other blokes. There was no reason for this, and if she tried to stay in bed for a week during the most important year of her life, I'd lose it completely on her.

"Yes it is! You know what, I want you to go up there and meet him in the corridor. I am going to send him out there. You two need to talk to each other and now. If you don't do this today, I am telling him how you feel," I shouted at her. "I am not going to let you fall into self-pity over this. If you never tell him then you're a fool."

I knew I was harsh, but I didn't care anymore. I'd give anything to have a chance with Ben. She was a fool if she didn't say anything when there was a good chance that he wanted her too. I'd do anything to be in her shoes at the moment. I expected her to argue with me, but she didn't. She just got back up and followed me. I kept turning back to make sure she was behind me. I wouldn't put it past her to wait until I left, and then turn back into the dorms. She'd probably lock me out. If she did do that, I'd go tell Ben.

When we entered the common room again, I pointed to the barrel top door that would take her out into the corridor. She didn't say a word, she just walked over to it. I stood watching her until she disappeared out the door, and then I looked around for Ben. He was still quite hot and heavy with Mallory. I felt as if someone was squeezing my stomach hard. I almost wanted to cry to see them that way, and I wanted to cry knowing what I was about to send him out to. I straightened my shoulders however and walked over to him.

When I reached them, I grabbed Ben's arm.

"Ben!" I said as I tried to pull him from Mallory's grip. They both glared at me. Ben probably thought I was being the jealous girlfriend again. If looks could kill, I'd be dead on the spot. Mallory was just upset that they were getting interrupted. She'd wanted him for so long. She'd been flirting with him for year, and he usually ignored her.

"What?" He asked me angrily. I almost wanted to turn away. I hated the way he sounded and the way he looked at me, but I just went on anyway.

"Ashley wants to talk to you," I said feeling hurt by his tone. If it had been Ashley getting his attention or anyone else for that matter, he probably wouldn't react this way. "She's in the corridors. I told her I'd send you out to her."

"What does she want?" He asked, his expression changing now.

"Go out there and you'll find out," I said. I'd done enough for them. The rest was up to them. If I had to comfort Ashley later I would. If I had to congratulate her, I would.

I didn't want to be around him for much longer. I turned away to look for Stan. He was where I'd left him. They were doing some shots. I walked over to him quickly and wrapped an arm around him. He grinned at me and then grabbed a full shot glass to hand to me.

"What was all that about?" He asked as I took the shot and then drank it down quickly.

"Just helping out my friends," I said. "Ashley saw Ben snogging Mallory, and she got upset. So I told her to talk to him. They're out in the corridors right now."

"About time," Stan said.

"About time for what?" Jared asked as he and Hank joined us.

"Ashley and Ben are probably snogging as we speak," Stan told him.

"So quickly after Denver?" Hank asked.

"It's why they broke up," I told him. "Ashley dumped Denver for Ben."

"I thought he broke up with her," Jared said.

"It was mutual," I explained. "She went out to break up with for Ben but he did it first."

"And you were the one to bring them together?" Hank asked me with surprise. I knew what he was thinking. I remembered what he'd said when we'd broken up almost three years ago.

"Yes," I answered defiantly. "I've been telling her all week to talk to him."

"I guess that is endgame for me then," Jared said looking sad. "I should have taken the chance when I could. I had three years to tell her, but I didn't."

"They might not work out you know," I told him. "They're sixteen. Just because they like each other now, it doesn't mean they will still be together later on."

It was what I was hoping for secretly at any rate. I was hoping for them to get it out of their systems, and then Ben would turn to me. It had happened with Lindsay and Ben. It could work out for me too.

"Of course you'd say that," Hank said and he rolled his eyes.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"You know what it means Ellen," he answered.

"What does it mean?" Stan demanded.

"Oh just that Ellen doesn't stay with blokes for long," Hank lied. "So she thinks that other people can't commit."

"Well Ashley and Ben are meant to be," Jared told me. "They're sixteen, but they were going to end up together eventually. Everyone knew it."

"We've been together for a year," Stan said to Hank. "And we're still good together. No need to be a prat to her unless you still want her."

"I've been over Ellen for a while," Hank said. "I'm fine with you two dating. I've just seen the way she is with other blokes," and then he looked at me. "Don't get me wrong, I like you Ellen. I just think you're wrong about Ashley and Ben. I'm not trying to be a git here, and I am sure you know that. Just remember what we talked about."

"I know Hank," I answered and I looked at Stan who looked angry with Hank. "It's fine hon," I said and I rested a hand on Stan's leg. "I know what he is talking about and he truly isn't trying to be a prat. Let's just change the subject. We don't even know if things are going well between them or not anyway."

"They've been gone a while," Stan said. "I am sure they are snogging as we speak. I've seen how Ben is with her. I remember in third year when he had to leave the compartment because he was so jealous of Ashley and Jared. Those two have wanted each other a while. I'm sure they are making up for loss time."

"Maybe they went off to shag," Hank said and as he said this, he stared at me. Those words stung, but I tried my best for him not to see. Why did he have to be this way? We'd been broken up for a long time. So why did he want to hurt me?

I decided to confront him about it. If Ashley and Ben ended up together, I didn't want to hear those snide comments all the time. So I told Stan and Jared to go get us more shots. Once they were gone, I turned on Hank.

"Why are you trying to hurt me like this? Was our break up that bad that you still have to be this all these years later?" I demanded.

"This isn't about you and me!" Hank said to me. "This is about my best friend. When Stan told me how he felt about you, I didn't want him to get involved you. It wasn't because of our past. Even if we hadn't dated, I wouldn't want it because I know you're still in love with Ben. I don't want Stan to get hurt. I guarantee that if Ben told you that he wanted you instead if Ashley, you would dump him for Ben. Don't even lie Ellen. I've been watching you this past year, and I've seen the way you look at him."

"I'm not in love with him," I lied.

"That is a load of bullshit and you know it. Why else did you send Stan and Jared away to tell me off for it? You said I am trying to hurt you. It's so damn obvious you still want him, and I feel terrible for Ashley. You may be trying to get them together now, but I think that you'll still look for opportunities to get with him. You can't accept that he doesn't want you," Hank said to me.

"So are you going to tell Stan then and ruin things between us?" I demanded.

"No because so far you've been loyal to him, and he wouldn't believe me anyway. At least I don't think he would. I am just warning you Ellen that you'd better not hurt him or Ashley!" Hank replied angrily.

"Do you honestly hate me that much?" I asked him.

"No I don't hate you at all Ellen. For the most part, I like you. You're a great girl most of the time, but you still have this hang up about Ben. I just don't like your attitude, especially right now. You're still making this all about you. You're making it seem as if I want to hurt you or that I hate you when it's not that at all. I am just looking out for my best friend, and I am looking out for Ashley too. I know what you're like when you want something. You won't stop until you get what you want," Hank said. "It's something I admire and dislike about you. If I knew someone was dating you, and they were in love with someone else, I'd be doing the same for you. I'm being a friend to Ashley and Stan."

"And that involves making those kind of comments when Stan is around?" I asked. "You know I show emotion Hank. I'm trying my best to move on from Ben and Stan is a great boyfriend. So I do what I can to be a good girlfriend to him. So if you want to be a good friend to him, why say those things? He'll see how upset I am, and he'll wonder why."

Hank nodded and then shrugged. "You do have a point there. I just wanted to see where you still stood with him. I've suspected that you still wanted him, especially after what Greg and Devon said but I had to be sure. I'll stop now Ellen. Just promise you won't hurt Stan or Ashley."

"I won't," I said. "I'm still with Stan aren't I?"

"For now," Hank muttered.

We couldn't say much more after that. Jared and Stan returned with a huge tray of shots but with the other Hufflepuff fifth years as well, all except Ben, Ashley and of course Melanie. I decided that doing several shots and then shagging Stan would be the perfect way to take my mind off of what was going on in the corridors. They'd been gone so long now. Either he was comforting her because she was sad by his rejection or they were snogging or even shagging. I sighed and reached for a shot. I didn't want to think about it. It was time to move on for good.


	9. Break Ups and Heartbreaks

Break ups and Heartbreak.

There were several nights where I cried myself to sleep after that night. They were together. Ashley was the mystery girl. I'd known it though, and when I had to admit it to myself, I'd known it for years. It had been right there in front of me all these years. They had been affectionate with each other since that summer after first year. Ben had always watched her and hugged her and touched her. His eyes followed her where ever she went.

That wasn't to say that I still didn't have hope for us. Sure she was the mystery girl, but him and me had so many intimate moments together too. I hadn't imagined the looks he had given me. I figured he'd liked her for years, and he knew it, and so he needed to be with her right now. She was the same way with him. However, they would date and realize that they weren't meant to be. Their personalities were too different for one thing. For another, no matter how much he thought he liked her, he was very shallow. He liked beautiful thin girls like me. She had a nice body, but she was very plain. Once they dated for a good while, he would realize something was missing, and he'd turn to me.

Seeing the two of them together didn't hurt any less than it had before. I knew they were together, and I still felt that hurt pang when they touched, but it was the same exact feeling I'd had before. So I was fine with it because I felt that everything was still the same as before. Maybe it hadn't really hit me, but I could still hang out with them. I tried my best to still hang out with Ben, Ashley and Michael and Stan and his friends. I didn't want us to drift apart again. The last two years we hadn't hung out together enough and I missed it, even if I did feel hurt hanging out with them. I figured I did need to be around them anyway. It was the best way to get used to them being together.

I also didn't want to be like the other girls at our school. Ben had a line up of girls, and so many were angry about them being together. Some were trying to get with Ben even though he was with her. I didn't want to be that girl. Besides, I'd basically promised Hank that I wouldn't hurt either Ashley or Jared.

"I should have known this would happen soon," Lindsay said to me sadly. "It's the reason we broke up."

"So you two did break up over Ashley," I asked her. "I suspected it was more than one fight."

"Ellen, I knew the entire time that I was with Ben that he wanted her. It was hard listening to you talking about your jealousy of her because you wanted him as it was. And then one afternoon when I thought things were going well for us, he told me he had to end it because he was in love with her," Lindsay explained.

"I was hoping it was me," I admitted. "I mean, I was jealous of her but when he basically told me that he broke up with you for another girl. I knew it wasn't just a fight. I'd hoped that it was because of me. You looked so angry when you came over to tell me about it."

"Because you put me in that position," Lindsay said. "You set me up with him while you loved him, and you knew he loved her. I just hated the fact that you'd done that to me. Maybe I shouldn't have been with him, but I just felt it was all you. You told him to go for me, and you acted as if you were over him. Months into our relationship, you bitched about Ashley."

She was right of course. I shouldn't have set her up with him, especially since I'd hoped he would dump her for me.

"To make matters worse," Lindsay continued. "You were hoping that he would leave me for you. You didn't care about my feelings at all. So I just don't get why you would do that to me."

"Did you just read my mind?" I asked her. "I was just thinking about that."

"No, I've just known since our break up. I had time to think about it. I've never been anything but a loyal friend to you Ellen," she said.

"I know, and you're right. Lindsay, I am really sorry about all of that. I knew you wanted him, so when he asked me to set him up, I paired him with you. I figured I was helping you out, and I could maybe try and move on or I could wait until he finally noticed me. And then you told me about Ashley, and I got worried. I mean, deep down I suspected it between them but then you told me that you thought he wanted her. It was another reason for why I set you up. For a while I wanted him with you instead of her. A lot of it was selfishness, but I also wanted to make you happy. I know that sounds messed up," I told her. "I was conflicted about it then and I am now. I helped Ashley and Ben get together but I am not happy about it."

"I know you didn't want to hurt me, but you should think about how I feel now and whether or not you want her to get hurt. I've seen the way she looks at him. She loves him more than I ever could, so think about that before you try and get with him. I don't understand why you didn't try to get with him after we broke up," she said.

"I guess I didn't tell you about that," I said. "I confessed to Ben last year about how I felt. He rejected me."

"You did? When?" Lindsay asked looking surprised.

"The day after we won the match. I got really jealous about him and Ashley, and he got angry with me. He said I was acting like a jealous girlfriend, and I told him that it was because I was in love with him. He told me that he wasn't interested back and he never would be," I told her.

"And yet you're still hoping that he wants you," she said. "Ellen, accept it and move on. I had to and now it's time for you to. It's not fair to Stan. He's so much in love with you. Trust me, coming from someone who dated a bloke who was in love with someone else, it hurts a lot. So you need to either end things with Stan, or get over Ben and try to fall in love with Stan instead."

"They might not last Lindsay," I said.

"Ellen, they were meant to be together," she said. "Seriously, move on."

I wished people would stop telling me this. I didn't want to hear it. No one knew anything. They had only been together a few days and they were only sixteen. Just because they had liked each other for years, it didn't mean anything. Ashley and Denver had been in love for a long time. I thought I had loved Hank. However, I didn't say this to anyone. I kept my mouth shut because I knew there was no point. They would all just disagree with me.

The topic of their relationship came up between the four of us not too much longer after my conversation with Lindsay. Ashley brought up the girls who were harassing her.

"Other girls can be so brutal sometimes," she said to Ben. "I almost feel in danger by dating you. You're lucky I didn't have a line-up of boys who wanted me."

"You've had some," Ben said. "I've had a few come up to me as well."

"Like who?" Ashley asked and I thought that was typical of her. She was happy to be with Ben, but she didn't believe that other boys would like her. So she wanted to know who, even if she had to ask Ben who I could tell was annoyed by this question. I knew he didn't want to talk about this. It was something I wouldn't want to either. It made me wonder if she loved him as much as she thought she did, and maybe there was hope for me after all.

"Does it matter?" Ben asked which was a typical question for him too. I knew him so well. So I didn't know why people thought we weren't meant to be together. I felt that I could practically read his mind when it came to this.

"I'm just surprised that's all," she answered.

"I told you already there are boys who do want you, they just haven't told you," Ben replied. "I don't see why it should matter, since you are with me but Ted had a thing for you, and so did Hank, Darren and Gary. There are probably more, but those ones and even your ex threatened that I had better not ever hurt you."

I'd known about the others, but not Hank. I was surprised he didn't bring up Jared as well. It made sense why Hank always got so defensive of her though. I understood now why he'd warned me not to hurt her. He wanted her and he didn't want her to get hurt.

"I am still trying to get used to this," Michael spoke up. "You know, I kind of always wondered if the two of you would end up together but at the same time I didn't think you would-" and then he looked at me, "how are you taking this anyway? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied even though I really wasn't, but I had to be. "Really, I am. Look, I did have feelings for Ben because I felt like maybe we had a connection but obviously I was wrong. If anyone is going to be with Ben, I am glad it's Ashley. Besides, I suspected it was her all along that he wanted. I think she wanted him too, but it was hard to tell because of Ben. She finally confessed when term started that she had feelings for him too. So I have been trying to push it along all week."

"Well, I wasn't sure at first," Ashley replied. "I was confused at first, but it was the pool party that made me realize it. I just felt bad because of Denver. When I went to go break up with him I was still deciding on whether or not I should tell the truth. He was the one to say we should break up, and so I felt it was only fair I admit the truth to him. The thing is he already knew. He told me that Ben and I are so stupid because we have liked each other for a while but didn't know it."

"I figured it out last year," Ben said. "I think it started in second year, because remember when I insisted Ashley was my best friend? Well, I think it was about that time that I started to like her. It wasn't until last year I think after Christmas break I really realized it. I saw her interacting with Slytherin first years, and I felt it."

"I believe it," I admitted and I figured I might as well be honest about the rest of my thoughts. They knew enough already. "I think I even knew too, I was just in denial. It's just that I thought I could see us as the class couple. I have Stan though; I was just being delusional because of what we shared during Quidditch. I truly believe you two are a good couple and I also think you will last a long time."

"We plan to," Ashley told me and then Ben and Ashley grinned at each other. I tried not to let it bother. I blinked back the tears quickly, and I felt a hand on my leg. I glanced over to see that it was Michael. He gave me what I believed was a reassuring smile. He understood what I was going through after all.

Later on, it was just him and me.

"So are you okay?" Michael asked. "I know you still want him."

"I'll get over it," I said. "It hurts a lot, but they are my friends and they are in love. I can't stand in between them."

"I still can't believe he chose her over you. I always suspected he might have had a thing for her, but not many guys will choose her over you. Most guys would have at least shagged you," Michael said.

"Ben apparently isn't like most blokes," I said. "I wish I had some weed right now. It would really help."

I added the last bit out loud without even realizing it. Michael was staring at me and then his eyes widened.

"Well, well, little miss Perenge smokes weed," he said and grinned. "I never would have thought you would."

"No I don't. I just heard about it and I think it would help," I lied.

"You don't need to lie to me. I smoke it too. I've been smoking it with the muggle boys in my old town for years, and sometimes I smoke it with the muggle boys in Ashley's town. Who do you smoke it with?"

"The muggle kids in my building. I decided to try it once and I liked it," I explained. "I won't try anything else, but weed."

"Well I have some you know," Michael said. "And the other guys smoke it too, even Stan. You can join us when we smoke it. I've never said anything because I didn't think the you, Ben or Ashley would want to try it."

"Same here," I admitted. "Ben seems like he'd get on his high horse. I don't think Ashley would judge. She knows her sister does it. I just haven't told her. I just thought what the three of you didn't know wouldn't hurt."

"I felt the same way. Well, now that we know that, we can smoke it together. It might actually help us get through this year," Michael responded. "I feel guilty having it when I am at the Hoofer's or the Alexander's. They've taken me in and I have drugs in their place. It's amazing how much can change. I used to look down on my parents for it. Now I drink and smoke weed."

"Opinions change though and you don't let it screw up your life," I said. "You learned your lesson from last year. You're trying your best to have a good life."

"I had to have a wake up call though," Michael said.

"We all do sometimes," I said. "As long as you learn from your mistakes, that is all that matters. I'm trying to learn from mine, especially from last summer."

"Why? What happened last summer?" Michael asked.

"I don't think I should say," I said.

"I won't tell anyone," he said. "It can't be that bad anyway."

"Get out your message parchment then," I said.

I didn't know why I was trusting him with this, but I was. Michael wouldn't tell anyone. I knew he was still in love with me. It was hard keeping it secret and I needed to tell someone. I could never tell Ben or Ashley or even Lindsay. I felt that he wouldn't judge me anyway, even if he wasn't in love with me. So I grabbed my own parchment and I wrote down everything.

Michael read through it when the message sent. His eyes widened as he read it. He looked at me in shock. Was he judging me after all? He looked back down at his own parchment and cleared it. He began to write too.

I never thought you would cheat, but I know you're not in love with Stan either. I'm not judging you, but I do have to ask why you're still with him?

Because he's a good guy, and now with Ben and Ashley together, I need someone. You know I would dump Stan for Ben in a heartbeat. I think it's why I cheated, but I can't let him go either. He loves me, so I might as well stay with him. At least he is with someone he cares about even if I don't love him.

I cheated on Anne. I can't judge.

"Wait what?" I asked but Michael nodded down at his parchment.

It was the summer after third year. We'd had a really big fight but we didn't end things. We were still together but I was feeling resentment for her. One of my mates from my old town introduced me to this really pretty girl. I ended up spending a good amount of time snogging her. She was a good distraction from everything at home and at school. I felt so terrible about it though. It's why Anne and me started shagging. I always said I wouldn't have sex at fourteen, but I felt I needed to be closer to her. So I brought up shagging to her to ease my guilt. She was all for it, and well the rest is history.

I shagged Zachary. What I did is ten times worse.

Cheating is cheating Ellen. You're not a bad person. I just think with all the stress you've been through, you made some bad decisions and made some mistakes. It's the same with me.

It doesn't justify it.

Of course not Ellen, nothing ever justifies cheating but I know you wouldn't do it just to do it either. It's not like you woke up one day and decided you want to cheat on Stan. You have a lot going on and you made a huge mistake. I just hope you learn from it. I certainly did. I never cheated again on her. Obviously since you're feeling guilt about it, it means that you weren't doing it to be a bitch or anything.

It's still a bitchy and horrible thing to do no matter what you say. I kept doing it even when I felt guilty. But I do know I'll never cheat again. I wish I could go back and change everything. I'm a horrible person.

Then we're both horrible people.

"Maybe we are," I said to him.

"Maybe," Michael replied. "But I don't want to believe that. I've known you for years now. I know you're not a horrible person. I just think you've been through a lot more than most people our age should, and you've made some bad mistakes. It's the same with me. Even if it doesn't justify, it just shows we are human. Ashley and Ben wouldn't because they have never faced the hard-ships we have, even if Ashley did grow up with single mum. She was so little when her dad died and kids are resilient. We're going through a lot and we're hormonal."

"I just feel like you want to make excuses for us, for me," I said.

"Maybe I am, but I just truly don't believe you are a terrible person Ellen. You just made a really really big mistake, and you realize that," Michael said. "Same with me."

"And you're not saying that because you're still in love with me?" I asked him. Him and I both knew that he was.

"I'd say it about Ashley if she was going through what you have," Michael said. "Or even Ben. It's so easy for other people to judge if they haven't been through it. Nothing about it was right, but it did happen. I may have a been a git at one time, but it wasn't because I wanted to hurt anyone. It was because I was feeling angry all the time. I never did or do enjoy any of those times. The fact that we feel guilt should prove that."

"I hope so," I replied. "Because I really do feel like a huge bitch."

And my guilt would only grow as that year went on. I would think back to our conversation and wonder many times if Michael was right. Was I a horrible person?

Thankfully after a while people got used to Ashley and Ben and the gossip stopped. I was so sick of hearing about them everywhere I went. I'd hear about it in the loo's, in the corridors, in class, the library, the grounds and in the Great Hall. I couldn't get away from it. Even when I tried hiding out in the girls dorms, I'd hear about it because one of the girls would come in talking about it. Many nights I spent it in Stan's dorm, and I would have to hear Ben talking about how happy he was.

Shockingly, the gossip switched to a gross girl in Slytherin by the name of Maisie. She hung out with Don Zent and Xavier Opress, two of the biggest prats in our year. They had their views about muggleborns and they were open about them. They bothered muggleborns all the time and they all talked about the 'good' times when You-Know-Who had taken over. Ben told us this part was all talk and that they'd probably actually been terrified the whole time, and I believed that. Most people hated them, even the Slytherins. Most people hated Maisie too. If it weren't for Don and Xavier I didn't think she'd have friends.

Maisie was the kind of girl who made Ashley and Claire look stunning. She wasn't even close to being pretty, but it wasn't just her looks. It was obvious she didn't shower. She smelled bad and she even looked greasy. I hated it when I had to work near her because I felt like throwing up. I wanted to offer her a stick of deodorant or something. She also wasn't very smart. Everyone was shocked that she'd made it to the fifth year. I was sure she'd be the type to get all T's on her OWLs. She was very bitchy too, which was why people didn't like her, including the Slytherin's. Most people gave her a wide berth.

From the gossip going around the castle though, apparently she and Xavier were shagging. Most of us believed she spread the rumours herself. She liked attention, even if it was the negative kind. No one knew for sure if it was true, but it was so shocking that it took the heat off of Ashley and Ben. Xavier may have been a huge git, but he was very picky too. So it seemed odd that he would shag her even if they were good friends.

It wasn't just Xavier and Maisie though. Shortly after Ben and Ashley got together, so did Joey and Anne. Since Michael had been with her for so long, people found it funny that she'd moved onto one of his dorm mates. However, the biggest gossip right after Xavier and Maisie was Jared and Jolene. People had suspected it about them, but they'd come out in the open about it. Jared being in a relationship was a bigger deal than Ben dating Ashley or Maisie shagging someone. So thankfully people moved on from my friends and began talking about the newest couples.

Ashley and I had a new task after that. We wanted to find Michael a girlfriend, so that was a distraction too. With all the homework and everything else going on, I was able to ignore Ben and Ashley once the gossip died down. Now I was on a mission to set Michael up with someone because he needed a girlfriend. He was getting depressed. I knew Sarah was interested in him, and so did Ashley. So we were trying to make it happen. Unfortunately with Sarah came Melanie, but we would deal with it.

For the most part, I felt I was okay. That was until the first Hogsmeade date approached. It was one thing knowing that Ashley and Ben were together, it was another knowing that they were going on a date. As the date approached, Bad Ellen started to come out again. I was having a hard time being Supportive Ellen when I was feeling so awful.

On the morning of the Hogsmeade date, I woke up to see Ashley all dressed up. She looked amazing, and it made me feel like crap knowing that it was for Ben. I could also see she was nervous about the date. That should have made me happy, but it didn't. It made me feel worse because if she was nervous it truly did mean she loved him. He was her best friend after all. It was their first date. I knew why she went all out for him, but I couldn't help but comment on it anyway.

"You're certainly up early," I said to her. I believed I'd picked out that skirt for her. At the time I didn't know she'd be wearing it for the man I loved. I'd just wanted to boost her confidence because it made her legs look good. "And you look amazing, but why are getting so dressed up? It's just Ben. He likes you without all of that."

"I know, but this is our first date," Ashley told me. I knew that of course. "I want to put some effort in even if we were friends first. I put in a lot of effort for boys I barely know for dates, why not for Ben as well?"

"Well just don't be too nervous," I said figuring I had to show my support. "Remember, it is Ben."

"I know," she answered. "I'll see you later; I better get up to the common room."

I watched her go before I got up. Melanie and Sarah were getting up as well to get ready.

"I hope everything goes wrong for them," Melanie said to Sarah as they headed to the bathroom.

"Melanie don't start please," Sarah said.

"I still can't believe you're going for Michael. You can do better," Melanie continued.

"Well, I want Michael," Sarah told her. "So don't say anything to me please. I want to have a good day and I don't need your negativity."

I went over to my trunk to pick out my own outfit. I couldn't help but wonder why Sarah was still her friend. In the past, she would have kept her mouth shut when Melanie said things but lately she wouldn't. I believed Melanie needed a friend so bad that she didn't fight with Sarah. Anyone else she would argue with but she would never fight with Sarah if she told her off.

I didn't know what I wanted to wear that day but I knew it was chilly out. I finally decided on a pink sweater dress, black leggings and my winter cloak. I grabbed a scarf and my touque for good measure. I'd showered the night before. I hadn't wanted to take too long this morning. I was able to dress quickly and then I applied some make up. I have myself a once over and decided I looked good. I wasn't too dressy, but I'd put in effort. I was sure Stan would appreciate it.

When I got down to the common room, I found him waiting for me in our corner. There was a corner of the common room where all of us fifth years gathered together when we could. We had been since the second year. When we were younger, it was harder to get the corner but now as fifth years it seemed people accepted it and they let us sit there. Stan was wearing a pair of pants I'd picked out for him last Christmas. I liked shopping for boys. It was a pair of white khaki's. They looked so good on him. He was wearing a black sweater with it. He looked hot. I wanted to undress him right there and then, but I couldn't. We could later.

"You were quick today," Stan said standing up. "When Ashley came down, I thought I'd be waiting a lot longer and she was up early."

"I showered last night," I told him. "I heard her get up and I woke up."

"How do you think the first date will go?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Let's just focus on our date," I said.

And it was what I had intended to do originally. My plan was to spend the day with Stan and then ask Ashley later how it went with Ben. We could have one of our girls nights. Unfortunately, that wasn't meant to be. I felt good and happy until we went to the joke shop in Hogsmeade. I wanted more make up and Stan wanted some more joke stuff. We were talking animatedly and then I saw them. Ashley and Ben were standing together and smiling and talking. As soon as I saw them actually together on their date, Supportive Ellen went out the window and Bad Ellen appeared. All I wanted to do was ruin their date. I wanted Ben. I wanted Stan to go away and I wanted to be with Ben. I didn't want her with him. And without thinking about it, I walked straight over to them. Stan likely thought that I just wanted to say hi, but only one thing was on my mind.

"Oh hullo you two," I said as soon as I reached them.

Ashley and Ben looked over at me. Ashley smiled at me, but Ben looked annoyed. It was as if he knew what I was doing. I knew I should have just said hello and then gone on my way, but I couldn't do it. I wanted nothing but to ruin things for them. I wanted Ben to realize it was me he wanted. At the moment I didn't give a damn about Ashley or Stan. All I wanted was to be with Ben. We were meant to be after all, not them. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care. I couldn't help what I wanted and if I had to hurt two people to do that, I would.

"Hello," Ben said but I could hear the irritation in his voice."What's going on?"

"We were just here to get makeup for her, and then we're on our way to Madame Puddifoots," Stan said to him sounding good naturedly.

That had been our plan, but I didn't want that now. I didn't want to snog at Madame Puddifoots. I wanted to stay with them all day. I didn't want them alone. I didn't want them to be on a date. Maybe if Ben hung out with Stan and me he'd realize it was me and not her he wanted.

"Change of plans, why don't all four of us go to The Three Broomsticks!" I said quickly.

"We were all planning to meet there at three," Ben answered. "So that's the plan."

"Why when we're all here? I saw Michael and Sarah outside, we can meet up with them too," I answered him.

"I think Michael wants to spend more time with Sarah alone," Ashley said. "We should leave them be."

I knew she was right about that and I didn't want them around anyway. I just wanted to crash this date. I didn't give a damn about anyone else and what they were doing. I didn't care that Stan and Ben were both glaring at me by this point.

"Well he can always meet us at The Three Broomsticks later," I said.

"Ellen, we're meeting them at three," Stan said to me. I could see the anger in his eyes now too, and he sounded upset. Did he suspect anything? "So let's stick to our plans. We still haven't been to Honeydukes. You can hang out with your friends any time. We hardly have alone time, so let's take advantage of it. I'm sure they want their date to continue as well."

"Exactly," Ben said and he now glared into my eyes. I felt as if I'd swallowed a rock when he did this. Why couldn't he understand that it was me and not her that he wanted. I was hurt but I stared back defiantly.

I glanced over at Ashley now. I could see it in her eyes that she upset as well. She knew exactly what I was doing and she didn't like it. Well too bad, I liked him first! I told her in my mind.

"Come on Ben let's go," Ashley said turning away from me. She grabbed his arm to pull him away. "I wanted to look at some of the Wonder Witch products."

The two of them walked off. I stared after them until Stan poked me in the side.

"What was that about?" He demanded.

"I just wanted to be there for their first date," I lied.

"Right," he said. "Well let's just get what we came here for Ellen."

He was pissed though. I wanted to try and make it up to him, but for the rest of the day I was moody, and he could tell. I could see him glaring at me at times but I ignored this. I would make it up to him later by shagging him. I would tell him that I'd just been distracted by something else. By the time we got to the Three Broomsticks, he seemed as if he didn't want to be anywhere near me.

I didn't say much as we joined the other Hufflepuff's at a corner booth. I didn't know we managed it, but we always managed to get the booth. I had a feeling one of our friends just sat there until we all arrived. Stan told me to get a seat and he'd get us some butterbeers so I did. I ignored the conversations around me as I waited for Ashley and Ben to arrive. They were one of the last to show up.

When they did sit down with us, Ben began questioning Michael about Sarah. I did feel a bit bad about this. I should have asked him that but I hadn't. I was too busy brooding about my friends date. I stayed quiet until Michael and Hank mentioned Melanie. I was feeling spiteful at the moment and I knew what I said next was low and untrue. I knew Lindsay would be hurt if she heard me, but I was feeling hurt, angry and sad. I didn't care anymore. I wasn't okay with Ashley and Ben at all. I thought I could be but I wasn't. I just wanted to lash out at them both, but most definitely at Ben. He was the one who was hurting me. Ashley was only with him because I'd told her to go for him.

"I wonder why Melanie wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw," I spoke up. I had missed most of their conversation until that point. Now I wanted to be mean. "She'd fit in well there. All Ravenclaws are nose to the book snotty backstabbers."

"They are not," Ben said. "Some of them are quite pleasant. They aren't all like Tara you know."

"No but I'm sure you'd fit in well there," I said to him with anger. It's what he got for hurting me by dating my best friend. He shouldn't have rejected me. He loved me and now he was betraying me by being with Ashley. "I think you're lying when the hat said that Hufflepuff was the only house for you. You'd do well with the backstabbers in Ravenclaw. You and Melanie did make a perfect couple, so I don't understand why you ended things with her," I continued.

I knew I sounded childish at the moment. Everyone was staring at me with shock. I was sure none of them understood where I was going with that. They just thought I was insulting the Ravenclaws for some reason, and for some reason I was including Ben in that. I could see people exchanging looks. A few were shaking their heads.

"Ellen what is your problem today?" Stan asked me. His voice was shaking with anger now.

"Nothing," I snapped at him before glaring at Ben again who glared back. Ashley was staring at me with a hurt look on her face again. She knew exactly what I was doing.

"I get along well with most of the Ravenclaws," Jess said obviously clueless about the whole situation. "It's not really fair to judge them all. It's the same as when people judge all the Slytherin's, or even all of us."

"Ellen, can I talk to you for a moment?" Ben asked me.

"No," I answered him. The last thing I wanted was to hear a lecture from him. "I'm just going to go back to the castle, I'll see you later Stan."

At that moment I was ready to cry. I didn't want him and Ashley to be together. I couldn't handle the hateful way he was looking at me. I got up quickly to move past everyone. I needed to get out of there before I really started to cry. How could he be with Ashley? How could they be dating when they knew how I felt? Both of them were betraying me and they didn't even care. I rushed past everyone in the crowded pub until I got outside. The moment I left, I stood on my own crying.

All I could think about was all the intimate moments we'd had the past couple of years. I thought about all the fantasies that I'd had about my life with Ben and they just weren't happening. Instead, it was Ashley who he was snogging and they likely had already shagged. The thought of them having that kind of intimacy made me cry even harder because it should have been me having it with him. How could she date him knowing how I felt? How could he date her? Why didn't they care about my feelings. Friends weren't supposed to go there when it came to love interests or exes. I just didn't happen. I hugged myself tightly as I hugged myself. I loved him so damn much and he had rejected me for Ashley!

"What the hell is your problem Ellen!?" I heard and I turned to see that Ben had followed me out. His face was red with anger. I didn't want to talk to him right now. I wanted him to go away. He was betraying me and all I wanted to do was slap his handsome face.

"Leave me alone!" I told him.

"No! I am sick and tired of this bullshit from you! I told you last year that I did not want to be with you! Get over me already!" Ben shouted.

"We're meant to be together Ben!" I yelled back. How couldn't he understand this? Everyone knew that we were. Him and me were the perfect couple. I wiped away some tears. I had to know. If he didn't love me, why had he shown me so much love at Quidditch? "How could you lead me on all these years like that then?"

"How did I lead you on Ellen? I did nothing!" He said angrily.

"Yes you did!" I insisted. "You were always hugging me, and all those moments with Quidditch and-"

"Ellen, you're one of my friends," he interrupted his voice rising again. "That's all you will ever be to me. All I did was be your friend all these years. If I wanted to be with you, I would have gotten with you when you asked me out! So get it through that thick skull of yours and stop it already! I can't believe you would go after me when I am dating your best friend!"

"You two are betraying me!" I shouted. How couldn't either one of them see this? Friends always came first.

"No we're not! You were the one who told Ashley to go for me. You basically set us up together. We never needed your permission, but you gave it to us. You can't go back on that that now! How can you possibly do that to Ashley?" He replied and he folded his arms as he stared at me defiantly now. His face was so red by this point that he looked as if he had a sunburn.

"How can you pick her over me? She's ugly. I am the prettiest in the year. The pretty girl always gets the boy. You are hot, and I am hot and we should be together and she should be with Denver or- or alone because she is so ugly!"

I knew saying all of that was low. She was still my friend after all. However, perhaps it actually wasn't. She had gone for the man I loved. Maybe she did deserve to be insulted, especially when she went for a boy out of her league. I focused on this part. That time out of all the times I'd insulted her looks it was justified.

"How can you say that about your own friend?" Ben asked.

"Because it's the truth Ben! She's my friend, but she and everyone else knows that she ugly. I am just stating the truth and it's ridiculous that you are with her. Out of the two of us to fall for you, how can you pick her!?" I asked him. I was the prettiest and I was more fun. She was plain, whiny and not very confident. Most boys would choose me. So why wouldn't he pick me too? Everyone always chose me over her!

"Because I love her," Ben answered. He could have hexed me with the boil curse. It would have been the same thing as that, especially with what he said next. "I've loved her since the summer before second year. You might be a very beautiful girl Ellen but I don't see anything with you beyond friendship. If I ever wanted to be with you, it would be a shag and dump, just like the rest of the girls I've shagged. I would just use you because you're hot but your personality is ugly!"

"How can you say that? We're supposed to be friends," I was crying harder now. How could he call my personality ugly and say that I was good nothing but a shag? It was like he saw me as Lydia or something. I had a better personality than Ashley. So what if I didn't help out first years or anything like that... and as a matter of fact I had. I'd helped out Martha two years ago. So what did she have that I didn't?

"Right, we're supposed to be friends and yet here you are trying to sabotage my relationship. I'm dating your best friend, and you're trying to ruin her relationship as well. You're also standing here and calling her ugly. You're such a wonderful friend Ellen!" Ben said sarcastically in such a cold voice.

"That's all you see me as?" I asked. "A shag and dump."

It couldn't be true. He was just trying to hurt me that's all. There was no way he saw me like that, even if he wasn't interested. I was crying so hard by that point that I was getting a headache. Why was he being so mean? I just wanted him to go away now.

"Yes, if we were both single right now, I would never date you but I would shag you and dump you," Ben replied in the same voice as before. "I would never see you more than a shag mate as I saw the Andrew twins and Lydia."

"How can you say that? We're soul mates Ben," I asked.

He had to know we were because of our moments during Quidditch! Ashley was not his soul mate, I was!

"No we're not Ellen. You are my really good friend, and it's about time you realize that. I don't ever want you to interfere with our relationship again!" Ben responded but not as angrily. He was still angry but he sounded now as if he pitied me or something and that was even worse. All I wanted him to do was hug me and tell me it was all a lie. It was me he wanted, not her. But then he had to add: "Ashley is my girlfriend, and you're going to have to get used to that."

But I didn't want to get used to that. I didn't want them to be together. I wanted to interfere with their relationship until they both realized the truth. There had to be meaning to the fact that we'd sat on the train together, we were sorted into Hufflepuff, especially given Ben's family history in Ravenclaw and our love for Quidditch. It couldn't all be a coincidence.

Stan stepped outside by this point. His face was red as well and he was glaring at me so hatefully. He turned to Ben.

"Can I talk to Ellen alone please?" He asked Ben who nodded.

"Go ahead, I've had my say," Ben said to Stan before he looked back at me with the same hateful glare that Stan was giving me. "I'm serious Ellen. Get over me, and don't ever pull anything you pulled today on us. I mean it."

And without another word, he went back inside. I didn't want to hear what Stan had to say. He was angry and I had a feeling he'd guessed about Ben. Why else would he look so upset. Unless of course Michael had told him about my cheating. I didn't want to wait to hear what he had to say though. I turned to walk from him but he chased after me.

"I swear to god I will put you in the body-bind!" He said angrily. "After over a year of dating you owe me an explanation Ellen!"

"Go away!" I said but he wouldn't let me go.

"Ellen!" He shouted. "How can you treat me this way when I've done nothing but show you love? Don't you dare walk away from me!"

"I'm doing it anyway," I said but Stan wouldn't release his grip and then I felt my body freeze as he muttered a spell.

"Now I'll let you of this, but I want you to sit down and talk to me," he said. "Stop being this way for a moment and talk to me!"

And I felt the spell lifted as he muttered: "Finite," and he let me go. "Now will you talk to me?"

"You're being cruel," I said.

"I'm being cruel? Why do I have to hear from Michael that you asked out Ben? You did it last year and you were apparently going to dump me for him. I always knew that you wanted him, but I ignored it because our relationship was a good one for the most part. Greg warned me about you, but I ignored him. I should have listened to him," Stan said. "Is there anything else I need to know about?"

"No," I whispered. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was shaking by that point. I didn't see the need in telling him about Zachary. Why hurt him further than I had? I was feeling shitty as it was. Ben had just said a lot of awful things to me, and now I was feeling horrible about Stan. I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Ellen, why did you stay with me for so long? Were you just looking for an opportunity to get with Ben?"

Why lie any further about it? Michael had already told him the truth. I was so angry with him for telling Stan this. I just nodded without saying a word.

"So I was just someone to pass the time with until you could get Ben," Stan demanded.

"I do like you," I said weakly. "I didn't stay with you just for Ben. I enjoy our relationship too. We have fun together. We could still have that fun together."

"Are you kidding me? You honestly think I am going to stay with you after this? You were going to dump me for Ben! If Ben changes his mind about Ashley, you would dump me for him. I don't want anything to do with you Ellen. I don't want to ever talk to you again after this conversation! Before I go, I just want to make sure that I have all the information. You owe me that much. You used me for a year."

"There isn't anything else Stan," I said feeling even worse by that point, and I didn't know how I could. "I dated you because I did like you, but I loved Ben, and yes if he had loved me back I would have dumped you for him. But Stan, you did get to have a year with me. You did get to date me. You got that much you know. So you can't be so angry about it."

"You're serious right now? Oh I am supposed to be grateful because I had the chance with you? Is your ego that fucking big Ellen? You are so damn full of yourself. Hank was right about you. All the compliments have gone you head and you think you are gods gift to men. Well I have news for you. You may be a very beautiful girl but I regret being with you. You didn't do me a favour, you just gave me the worst year of my life! I feel bad for your next boyfriend. He'll have to compete for Ben as well. Good luck with your life Ellen. Stay the hell away from me from now on! Get all your stuff from my bed and trunk and never talk to me again. And if you steal anything from me, I will know."

And without another word, he walked off. He didn't return to The Three Broomsticks. I imagined he didn't want to deal with the follow up questions everyone would have. Still shaking, I turned and began to walk back to the castle. I had just lost everything. I knew it. Ashley would be angry with me and Ben wanted nothing to do with me. Stan had dumped me, and I didn't want anything to do with Michael. The only one I truly wasn't upset with was Ashley, but at the moment I didn't want to talk to her either. I knew of all of them, I couldn't be upset with her because she wouldn't have gone for Ben unless I'd told her to. At that moment though, I just wanted to blame her too.

Ashley was obviously not as upset with me as I thought she would be. Ben must not have told her what I'd said, or she had put her feelings aside for me. Perhaps she knew I hadn't meant any of what I'd said because I hadn't. None of the stuff I'd said about the Ravenclaw's or Ashley were true. I'd just felt so upset that day that I had said anything I could. I regretted so much that I'd called her ugly when I'd promised I wouldn't. I just truly hoped he hadn't told her what I'd said.

The days that followed, Ashley tried her best to cheer me up when she could. I could tell that she was trying to divide her time up between Ben and me. I spent most of my days down in the girls dorms. I didn't want to see anyone. I knew that everyone knew what had happened. Some of the Hufflepuff's had told people outside of our house about it, so now everyone knew. Part of me wondered if it was Stan who had done it. He was so hostile towards me. He'd wanted me to get my stuff from his dorm, but I'd found it all on one of the couches the day after our break up. I was embarrassed because a lot of it was my knickers or bras I'd left behind.

"You're eating aren't you?" Ashley asked me a couple of days after the break up. "Ellen, you can't miss to many classes this year."

I didn't respond. I just rolled over in my bed and turned my back to her. I didn't deserve her friendship. I deserved Stan's wrath. At least he didn't know about Zachary. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I just hoped Michael would keep his mouth shut about it. According to Ashley, he had accidentally blurted. I found that even worse than him just telling Stan. If he did it by accident, he could reveal even more by accident.

I knew I couldn't miss to many days of school, so when I did start going back, I started to hang out with Jess, Anne and Erica. I could tell that they didn't want me around. They were on Ashley's and Ben's side, but none of them told me to go away. Sometimes I wondered if they wanted to question me about my feelings. I was surprised they were able to hold back.

One evening, a week after our fight, I decided to let them be. I didn't want to bother them too much, so I sat down in an arm chair on my own. I had so much school work to catch up on. I figured it was a good enough distraction. My friends were right when it came to that. It was the first time I'd ever felt so lonely, especially at Hogwarts. I felt like no one wanted to talk to me. I understood how Ashley had felt back in our second year. I was just as lonely, only I didn't have a boyfriend to fall back on.

I struggled through a Transfiguration essay when I heard a familiar voice nearby. I looked around to see that Ben, Ashley and Michael were sitting together. Michael was asking Ben about what had happened between him and me outside. So apparently he hadn't told them anything. I slouched down in my chair, but I reached into my bag to grab an extendable. I'd grabbed it recently to listen in on a conversation between Stan and Hank about me. I was glad I still had it case my friends felt the need to lower their voices. With the extendible it would be like they were sitting with me. I wished they were. I missed all three of them.

"I asked her if she still had feelings for me, and she said yes," I heard Ben tell Michael. "I told her she was going to have to get over it. She started to yell a bunch of nonsense about how Ashley and I were betraying her."

I cringed waiting for him to mention the ugly part. Thankfully he didn't say anything... yet. He likely want to spare Ashley that.

"Maybe we are," Ashley spoke up. I should have known she'd be feeling guilty about all of this. She'd tried talking to me during the week. "Ellen liked you first. When it comes to friendships, you're not supposed to go after someone's love interest. I am being a really bad friend by being with you."

Right, she was the bad friend. She had no idea. If only she'd known what I had said and thought. I was willing to make her lose Ben so I could have him.

"Ellen is being the bad friend," Ben said. "She gave you her permission, not that you needed it, and I have no interest in her. Even if we hadn't gotten together, I still wouldn't have gone for her, as you know since I turned her down in front of you."

I wished he would say why. I hoped Michael would ask why. Out of anyone, it would be Michael who would ask why since he'd give anything to be with me. I hoped one of them would, unless Ben had already explained this. I needed to know why it was Ashley over me. Why would be never date me when most boys wanted to? I didn't believe that he saw me as a shag and dump. He'd wanted to hurt me. So what was it about her and what was it about me?

"I know," Ashley said. "But you're not supposed to go there with friend's exes or crushes. It's an unspoken rule."

"Really?" Ben asked and he now sounded pissed. It wasn't often he used that tone of voice with her. In fact, I didn't think he'd really been angry with her since second year. If he had been, I hadn't heard or seen it. "So we're supposed to deny how we feel about each other for her? She's the one who wanted someone else while she was in a relationship, and she's the one going after her friend's boyfriend. She told both of us that she is okay with it. Even if she weren't, it's not right for us to break up for her benefit. In case you forgot, Stan is Hank's best friend and Ellen is his ex."

"It's not the same thing," Ashley said in a low voice.

"No it's not the same because Hank and Ellen actually dated," Ben responded.

"They were twelve," Michael muttered.

I was thinking the same thing. We'd been second years when we'd dated. I had actually loved Ben.

"It doesn't matter," Ben said still sounding angry with her. Would this lead to a big fight between them? Would they break up? Would Ashley decide it wasn't worth it and end things with him? "Ashley, don't feel guilty about this. Ellen is in the wrong here, not you and not me. She's just going to have to get over it. She's fifteen years old; she is going to move on. You thought you were in love with Denver and you were wrong weren't you? Don't let her ruin a good thing. She'll come around, she always does."

Ben was wrong this time. Usually I did come around, but I didn't think I could with this. I wasn't okay with them dating. As bad as it was, I was hoping for this to lead to a big fight and to a break up.

"You're right," Ashley said though and my heart sank. She always did give in to him. So it wasn't going to lead to a fight. I should have known though. "I just really hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. You know that if we fight, it's going to affect all four of us. Do you remember second year when we got in that fight?"

She didn't realize it had already affected things. Who knew if our friendships would ever be the same again.

"If you and I break up, I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore anyway," Ben answered.

I nearly dropped the extendible when he said this. He would actually end our friendship? I could tell by his tone that he was serious. He was serious about ending our friendship, and he was serious about her.

"That's going a bit far isn't it mate?" Michael asked which I couldn't help but agree with. Sure he wanted Ashley now, but he wanted to end a four year friendship for a girlfriend? He'd always put this friends first before now. I knew he was dating one of his best friends but it still seemed as if he was going overboard.

"No, it's not," Ben told him. "Not this time. My other girlfriends didn't mean as much to me. This is a relationship I want to work, and Ellen knows that. We've talked about this quite a few times. If she was a good friend of mine, she would understand that and put her feelings aside."

I didn't want to hear anymore. I pulled the extendible from my ear. Ben would end things with me if their relationship ended. We hadn't actually talked about it directly, but he had mentioned a few times that she meant a lot to him. There were a few times he'd mentioned it after Quidditch practice when I'd ask how things were going. That must have been what he'd meant. Maybe that had been his way of explaining it to me.

I started to cry again. How could this be happening to me? How was it possible that I'd lost so much? Was this Karma for cheating in the summer? Was it Karma for something else? I felt like everything was going downhill for me. I'd been feeling bad enough before by what had happened, but this was worse. Ben would actually stop being my friend for Ashley. I curled up in my chair and put my face in my hands and really let go.

After that day I stopped caring about everything. Shortly after I heard that conversation, mum wrote to me to let me know that dad was close to some muggle woman. Apparently she had kids. She'd written to let me know why he might not take us for Christmas that year. How could dad choose some other woman her kids over his biological kids? Mum didn't know about the relationship but she just knew they were very close.

That was the last straw for me. I went to and from classes to avoid detentions. I did the school work but only to avoid detentions. The teachers weren't marking with us with percents that year but with OWL grades. I was getting P's, D's and even a couple of T's. Those were all the failing grades. They meant Poor, Dreadful and Troll. The passing grades were Acceptable, Exceed's Expectations and Outstanding. At the beginning of the year I had gotten mainly A's and E's. However, it was now at a point that I rarely got an A.

I didn't give a damn though. The OWL exams were important not the school work. Everyday I waited to receive a letter from Professor Sprout, but I didn't I was surprised because I knew she would eventually lecture me. However, no one commented on my school work except to say they were disappointed.

I spent a lot of time sleeping when I wasn't in classes or trying to get through my work load. I avoided a lot of meals because I didn't want to face everyone else, especially Stan or Ben. Ashley seemed to have given up on me, or at least I had thought so. She hadn't said much to me in a long time, but then one morning she approached me.

"Ellen can you please be honest with me? Are you angry with me?" She asked.

I looked up at her. She was looking at me with such concern and worry. I wasn't angry anymore. I was just sad. I'd never really been too upset with her anyway. I'd lost Ben, Stan and Ashley all in the same day. I didn't want to fight anymore. All I felt was depression and weakness. I just wanted to make up with friends. I would take having to face Ben and Ashley if I could just have them back. I still wasn't okay with them dating and I didn't know if I ever would be. However, I wanted my friends and I would suck it up just to have them back.

"I'm not angry with you," I answered her sadly. "I am not even angry with Ben anymore. I was, but I'm not anymore. I stand by what I said, I know you two are good together and we aren't. I just can't help how I feel. Even when Ben turned me down, I hoped there would always be a small chance for us. As soon as I saw the two of you actually together on a date I realized my chance was over. Not only that, but I ruined things with Stan. My life just isn't going well at the moment. My grades have gone down, I feel like everyone hates me and I'm so alone."

"No one hates you," Ashley said, but she probably hadn't noticed how could the three ditzes from Hufflepuff had acted with me. They'd seemed as if they hadn't wanted to talk to me. It wasn't just that, but I was embarrassed too. Everyone knew why Stan and I had broken up.

"Everyone was in Hogsmeade when Stan and I broke up; they all know I have feelings for Ben. They witnessed everything," I replied. "I bet they hate me as much as they hate Melanie."

"They don't hate you," Ashley insisted. "You haven't done anything nearly as bad as Melanie has. Melanie is always ratting people out or trying to sabotage people. I know you haven't really talked to Michael lately, but from what I heard she is trying to ruin anything that might happen between him and Sarah. You're just someone who accidentally fell for her friend. You would never try and break Ben and me up."

I felt guilt when she said this because I'd tried to break them up.

"Not on purpose," I lied. "But part of me in Hogsmeade was hoping that Ben would realize he wanted me and that you would just go back to Denver. So you should hate me. I am a horrible friend."

I wondered if I should tell her the rest of it as well. All of the mean things I'd said about her, and the thoughts I'd had as well. I'd wanted to break them up.

"No you're not," Ashley told me. "Ellen, if you were such a horrible person then why did you push Ben and me together? You did that even though you still wanted him."

I felt that trying to ruin their date and insulting her looks cancelled that out.

"I overheard you and Ben talking, he thinks I am a bad friend," I admitted. "And he's right. I've been horrible. He even said if I ruin your relationship he'll stop hanging out with me."

"That's a big 'if' Ellen," Ashley said. "But you won't if you don't want to. I worried for a while too, because I want Ben and I want you and me to stay friends."

"I'll get over it," I replied even though I wasn't sure of that. I still wanted him as much as I had since I'd realized my feelings. I still wanted him to realize it was me who he wanted. However, I had to pretend that I was over him. Ben had told me I couldn't bring it up anymore. He'd said he would end our friendship if him and Ashley broke up because of me. So I had to step back and leave them be. At least for now. I wasn't going to give up completely, but for now I had to. I'd give it sometime when we'd all moved on. "I know I will. I guess I just have to get used to it. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable. I should really talk to Michael too. I know he didn't mean any harm by telling Stan. It's probably better if things ended anyway."

I agreed with the last bit. No wonder Stan hated me. I hadn't treated him well at all. At least he could find a girl who loved him now. He was handsome enough. I'd been such a coward that day in Hogsmeade too. I'd tried to walk off when he'd wanted to talk to me. I had used him and I'd cheated on him. I just hoped I didn't give him trust issues. Sometimes when people had bad relationships, they ended up having trust issues. He had thought he'd loved me. I would have to apologize to him, even if he'd told me never to talk to him again.

"So now I want you to start studying more, and eating Ellen," Ashley said now sounding stern. "You've lost too much weight and you're already thin as it is. This is OWL year; you can't do this to yourself. If it's too hard for you to study with Ben and me, you and I will study on our own sometimes. I just want to see you in classes and doing your work and at every meal in the Great Hall."

I let out a groan when she said this. She had no idea just how bad my school work was. "Don't remind me," I said to her. "I am so far behind right now. Do you think Ben will help me?"

"Of course he will; he still wants to be friends with you Ellen," Ashley said. "Get out of bed and let's go up."

I hoped she was right about that, but if she was his girlfriend, he would have talked to her about this. He'd only said that he would end things if their relationship ended. He hadn't said he didn't want to be friends at all.

I sat up and got out of bed. As I did this, I realized how grimy I was. I hadn't been taking care of my appearance. I believed it was Wednesday the last time I'd had a shower and it was now Saturday. I was almost as gross as Maisie, so I told Ashley was going to have a shower first. She nodded and told me she'd meet me in the common room.

In the bathroom, I took off my clothes and looked at myself. I was shocked to see how thin I was. I was too skinny. I was skinnier than Ashley had been after her break up. I could see my rib bones front and back. How would mum react when she saw this? Why hadn't I noticed the weight loss before? It would take forever for me to gain the weight back too. I could never gain weight. Most people wanted that, but it wasn't always good thing, not when you looked emaciated like I did.

I spent a long time in the shower before I got dressed. My clothes just hung off me. I had to wonder how much I weighed now. I was going to have to eat as much as I could to gain weight. I wondered about putting make up on, but I decided against it. I didn't need it at the moment. I would start wearing it again on Monday for classes.

I headed up to the common room and saw my friends sitting together. I felt nervous to join them. What if Ben told me to go away? I approached them slowly and then sat down between Ashley and Michael. Michael pushed a plate of sandwiches over to me and a bottle of pumpkin juice. Ashley had obviously filled them in.

"Eat," Michael told me.

"Thanks," I told him. I realized just how hungry I really was. I hadn't thought about it before.

I glanced at Ben. He wasn't glaring at me at all. He looked worried about me. It was the same look he'd given Ashley years ago. I didn't want to get my hopes up though. Likely at the moment he was just worried about a friend.

"I'm sorry Ben," I apologized and I meant it. The next part would be a lie, but the first part was the truth. I was sorry. "I really wasn't trying to ruin your relationship. I had hopes you'd come to me, but I wasn't going to try and break the two of you up."

"I know," Ben said but I had a feeling he knew I was lying. "And I am sorry too. We didn't treat you very well. We should have noticed sooner that you weren't just avoiding us."

"It's fine, really," I told him. They had every right to ignore me after all. Why would Ben notice when he'd wanted to avoid me? "I just didn't think anyone wanted to talk to me. I was angry at first, but after a while I was upset."

"And I am sorry I told Stan," Michael said. "It slipped out. Everyone was talking about it in Hogsmeade and I spoke without thinking. I'd take it back if I could."

"It's probably for the best anyway," I told Michael, and I knew that was true. I would have to apologize and soon. I just hoped he wouldn't be too hostile. He still sent me glares. "I do still have feelings for you Ben, but I will never wreck your relationship either. It's just when I saw you two on a date, it actually really hit me. I'll meet someone else, I know I will."

"Just finish eating, and then we can catch you up on your school work," Ben said. "We're just going to forget about the Hogsmeade day."

"Sounds good to me, not the school work but I'd like to move on," I said. "This is the last I'll ever bring it up."

For now I said to myself. Someday we would talk about it again because I wasn't going to let him go yet. For now, they could get it out of their systems. I wouldn't break them up, or I'd try not to, but him and me were going to a long talk eventually. I hadn't imagined the looks he'd given me. He just had to realize that too. Someday Ashley would realize she wanted either Denver or Jared and they'd end it.

All was good again for the most part. I didn't like seeing them together, but I had my friends back and all three were being supportive of me. All three were taking it in turns with catching me up with school. Not only that but I had to wonder if they'd talked to the others. Everyone else except maybe Stan and Hank were trying to be there for me as well. I was suddenly surrounded again. The annoying part was that they were all watching me to make sure I ate. If I missed a meal, someone was there to give me a sandwich.

A week after I returned to reality, I found Stan alone at last in the common room. I went over and sat with him. I expected him to tell at me and I knew I would deserve it. Sure enough:

"What do you want?" He snapped when he looked up at me.

"I know you hate me," I said. "But I owe you an apology. I didn't treat you well at all. You deserve a girlfriend who loves you. I shouldn't have dated you to get over Ben."

"I should have listened to Greg," Stan said with a sigh. "I saw it all along, but I stayed with you. Ellen, I don't know if we can be friends again, but you need to eat. You look terrible."

"I'm trying Stan," I said.

"Well try harder. I am so damned pissed at you still, and I don't know how long it will before I stop feeling resentment for you. However, that doesn't mean I want to see you like this either. Part of me feels responsible," he said.

"You're not responsible. I deserved everything I got that day in Hogsmeade. I wasn't fair to you. I hope you find a better girlfriend. As for me? I am going to try and single until I can move on from Ben. He seems serious about her, so I need to move on," I told him.

"He is serious about her. He loves her Ellen," Stan said. "If you'd let go of the fact that he rejected you for her, you'd see it too and you would move on. Now please just leave me alone. Maybe we'll talk when everyone gets together, but I don't want one on one time with you. I still feel so angry when I see you."

"Okay, but I just have one more question for you," I said. "You said Greg talked to you. When did he do that?"

"Right at the beginning of the relationship. Why?"

"He did the same with Devon. I just want to know why he keeps warning all my boyfriends of this. I need to talk to him too. I'm getting tired of hearing that he has said something," I said.

"He has resentment for you too," Stan said.

I nodded and stood up. Stan resented me, but he didn't hate me. If he did, he wouldn't care if I ate or not. Knowing this really helped because I didn't want us to hate each other. I hoped in time we'd both move on and be able to at least talk to each other again. Maybe we couldn't be friends, but at least we'd have something. I didn't want any enemies. I would have to talk to Michael to make sure he never told Stan or anyone else the truth.

I waited a few days before I decided to approach Greg. I had to know why he felt the need to warn both Devon and Stan about my love for Ben. He'd had other girlfriends besides me who hadn't worked out. So why was it me and my boyfriends that he was targetting? Did he do this with all of his girlfriends? I know that his last girlfriend Christine, had been way too clingy. Did he tell this to the bloke she was dating now?

I found him in the library (which wasn't unusual) but he was surrounded by a bunch of his friends. I took a seat in the back where I was far away from him, but I could watch him. I wanted to talk to him alone. If he was still the same as he had been when we'd dated, he would be the last to return to his common room. I just hoped that no one would join me in the meantime. I had to wonder if Ashley had told the girls in the other houses to look our for me too. Often some of the girls from Gryffindor joined me, and Lindsay and her friends would as well. Once, Delilah, a friendlier girl from Slytherin had brought her friends over. She wasn't someone I talked to, but Ashley did.

Thankfully though, no one wanted to talk to me that night, or else they were too busy to. In the past, boys wouldn't have let me be alone for so long but it seemed word had gotten out about my break-up with Stan. No one hit on me anymore. No one tried to talk me when I was alone. Most avoided my eyes. So I was able to sit there and observe Greg and his friends while re-working on a Transfiguration that Ben wanted me to re-write. He'd put in his own notes for me and he'd crossed out some of the things I'd put in. This did actually pass time. Once and a while I looked up to see that Greg's gang was diminishing. Finally after almost two hours of sitting there, his last friend took off.

"I'll be there in a half hour or so," Greg called after him but I imagined it would be closer to an hour.

Greg would stay in the library until curfew or closing hours. Fifth years and older had a longer curfew, so he could stay until the library closed. I had been banking on this. I waited until his friend was gone, and then a few minutes longer in case someone tried to join him. He had a line of girls as well, so there was a chance one could take advantage of him being alone. However, for once that year, luck was on my side. No one joined him. It was now or never. I got up and hurried over to him, leaving my books behind. I didn't plan to stay.

"Ellen," he acknowledged once I'd sat down. He looked me over and then his eyes widened. Did he like what he saw or something? Maybe he actually missed me and he wanted me back. I wouldn't get back with him though. It didn't matter how gorgeous he'd gotten in the last three years. I imagined he was thinking the same thing I was. "Christ Ellen what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You've lost too much weight," he said. "Why have you lost so much weight?"

Why did it always have to go back to my weight? Now I understood how Ashley had felt when people kept telling her the same thing in second year. Everyday someone told her to gain weight. I understood a lot more of what she'd gone through. Back then I had thought she was pathetic, but at least she was only thirteen. I was fifteen and I'd done the same thing.

"I went through a rough time," I answered with some annoyance. I didn't want to talk about my weight. "I've gained back some though."

"You need to gain at least ten or fifteen more. Maybe even more than that. You're just skin and bones," he said.

"I didn't come over here to talk about my weight," I told him. "I'm working on gaining weight but it's going to take some time."

"I didn't think you had, but I couldn't help but ask. You don't look good. You're way too pale," he said. "So why do I owe this pleasure of a visit?"

"I want to know why you've warned all my boyfriends about my love for Ben," I said. "Both Devon and Stan told me that you did, but they ignored it. Did our break up affect you that much that you just want to hurt me? Do you want me to be alone forever or something? I'm sorry I hurt you, but you shouldn't keep trying to do it to me all these years later."

"Did you ever stop to think it's not about you, or at least not just about you?" Greg asked. "You have no idea how awful it feels to date someone who wants someone else. You even pretended that I was Ben. I think that was the most insulting part about it. Not only did you call me Ben, but you bitched about him and Ashley all the time. Now I see they're together. I heard about that Hogsmeade day and your break up. I imagine that's why you've lost so much weight."

"And so you still have resentment and you want to hurt me then," I said. "Look, I was twelve and I was stupid. I didn't pretend that Devon or Stan were Ben."

"Ellen, I wasn't trying to hurt you. Stop thinking that the world revolves around you. I just wanted to give them fair warning so they knew what they were getting into. Dating you was an awful experience because of that, and I felt they had the right to know. All I did was tell them to be careful because there was a chance you were still in love with Ben. I didn't give them the rest of the details. I left the rest of it to them. I just figured that at least they would know," Greg responded. "This wasn't about hurting you or getting revenge. It was one bloke helping another. You would do the same for Ashley or any other girl I'm sure."

"I would," I admitted. I had told Anne that there was a chance that Michael still loved me, and I'd told Sarah the same too. So I understood now why he'd done it. I hadn't wanted to see Anne or Sarah get hurt by that. I even told Greg this.

"After all these years he still wants you? Your group is messed up," Greg said.

"I think it happens with any group of friends that hang out with the opposite gender. You're lucky that all of your friends are blokes," I said. "So are you going to keep telling my boyfriends about Ben?"

"I don't think I have to," Greg said. "The entire school knows about that Hogsmeade day. I heard some first years even discussing it and they don't even know you. I'm guessing any bloke who gets involved with you will know. Ellen, as bad as our break up was, I do wish you happiness. It was almost three years ago after all. I hope you move on from Ben and find someone else that makes you happy. I do think you should stay single until you are over him for good."

"I don't think that will be a problem," I said and I stood up. "Thanks for the honesty Greg."

He just shrugged. "No problem. Good luck with OWLs. Knowing you, you're still a slacker. I hope you won't slack off on the exams."

"Thanks," I said again. "I am doing my best. I'll see you around Greg."

As much as I wanted to be upset with Greg, I knew he was in the right and I was in the wrong. He was still a nice bloke to this day. All he'd wanted to do was save other people that heartbreak. I was so self-centered that as usual, I thought it was about me and me alone. I sighed as I headed back to my table. From that moment forward, I was going to try and stop being so self-centered. I would try and understand things from other peoples perspective. It would be hard at first, but I was going to do my best to change.


	10. Am I Really This Kind of Girl?

A/N: Sex scenes in this chapter though I took some out because too graphic.

Am I really this kind of girl?

As the Christmas holidays approached, it did seem as if that day in Hogsmeade hadn't happened. The only difference was that I wasn't with Stan anymore. However, it seemed people lost interest in pitying me because they started to act normal around me again.

When it came to my friends, it seemed like things were normal as well. We talked to each other the way we always had. Ben stopped looking at me with worry, and our relationship returned to the way it was before. He would nag me about homework, and I would tell him to back off. Michael still looked at me with love in his eyes. As annoying as some of this was, I welcomed it. It was a similar feeling to being at home again.

I remembered a few years ago when Ben and me had pretended that we weren't talking about Michael. Ben had said he'd been bugging me about doing homework, and I'd responded that things wouldn't be the same without it. It was the truth. As much as we argued about it, and as much as I said I wished he wouldn't do it, it felt normal. It was the way we'd spent the last four and a half years of our friendship. The fact that we could go back to arguing about it showed that our friendship was okay. It was always a minor disagreement that we could move on from and even laugh about later. It seemed contradicting, but it was the truth.

Hank came over to talk to me on afternoon a few weeks before the holidays were to start. I knew he'd been resentful towards me as well. He'd been talking to me, and he'd even watched me to see if I was eating, but I wondered if he felt the same way about me that Stan did.

"I see that you decided not to heed my advice," he said.

"Advice?" I asked. "You didn't give me any advice. You told me not to hurt Ashley or Stan. Are you here for revenge or something Hank? Look, I am in a better place than I was. I don't need this at the moment. You don't know how hard the last couple of months were for me," I said to him.

"No," Hank answered. "You're still just making this about you. I still don't think you've learned your lesson. Even after everything you went through. Do you feel at all bad about Stan, or are you just feeling sorry for yourself?"

"A combination of the two. Hank, I really don't want this," I said. "If you're just only going to talk to me to lecture me, I don't want to hear it. I'm sorry I hurt your friend. I shouldn't have. Now I just want to move on with my life. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. I can't move on when I keep having people coming up to me and saying things like this. I think about it a lot for your information."

"I am glad to hear that then. I just had to check. Ellen, I want to be your friend, even with everything that happened with Stan, and even me. All of us hang out together and I don't want things to be awkward. I just wanted to make sure that you were trying to get past this because Ashley and Ben are my friends too," he said.

"I want the same thing Hank, but it won't work if you continue to lecture or even threaten me," I pointed out to him. "I don't want to feel dread every time you come over to talk to me. So this is the last time we talk about it.

"Fair enough. I didn't come over to lecture you though. I just wanted to see how you were, but I had to bring it up. If you want, I'll help you out with that Divination essay. I know that Hoofer has no tolerance for it," Hank replied. "I know you're trying to bring up your marks."

"I regret taking it, but if you want to we can," I answered back.

And that was how we spent the afternoon. It almost seemed odd. Hank and me hadn't hung out one on one since second year when we'd dated. Any time after that it had been when our friends all got together. I just hoped he wasn't interested in me again. I didn't want to date him again. I wasn't like Ashley or Michael. Once a relationship ended, even if it was years ago, I didn't want to go back. Unless of course it was Ben maybe. Anyone else I only gave them once chance. I hoped he just wanted to be my friend and that was it.

I did wonder what he thought about random shagging however. Lately I'd been thinking about taking that approach because I missed the sex. Since my first time, I'd never gone this long without it. I couldn't help but notice how good-looking Hank was as he went over the assignment with me. We'd never done anything but kiss and hold hands, I'd never seen much of him. I'd heard that he wasn't even into random snogging though, so he likely wouldn't go for a quick shag. He was probably still a virgin since he hadn't had a girlfriend since the year before. I could see him being the type to wait until he was older and wanting it to be a girlfriend.

Whenever Ashley and Ben came into the common room without anyone else, it made me wonder if they'd been off shagging somewhere. The thought of that made me feel sick, and it made me want to find someone to take my mind off it. Hank wasn't that person however. I didn't even know how I'd bring that up to someone. Boys avoided me since my break up, so would they even want to snog me? For the first time since second year, I actually felt nervous about boys. That hadn't happened since I'd realized the effect I had on them. This was different though. I felt now that most were worried about my obsession with Ben.

I went even as far as wondering about how Michael would take it. I didn't want to date him, but I had to admit that he was cute. It wasn't about his looks that I didn't want him, and I'd once even heard someone say it was because he was poor. It wasn't that either. While I preferred a boy to have money, if I met someone that I liked enough, it wouldn't stop me. Greg's family didn't have much. It was just something about Michael that I didn't see as dating material. He just felt like a brother to me. To me, kissing or shagging Michael would be the same as kissing would be the same as if I had a brother about our age. Besides, I felt as if I'd be leading him on if I decided to propose that to him. I didn't want another Drew situation.

So instead, after that day with Hank, I kept an eye out for boys whom I thought would want to shag. They couldn't have all decided that I wasn't at least kissable. They shouldn't care if I wanted Ben if we just snogged or shagged.

My opportunity came to me in the form of Sam Hoofer. He was a younger version of Jared. He did not want a girlfriend. He'd even told me that he wanted to snog me years ago. I imagined by this point he'd shagged as well, and if he hadn't, I could be his first. I knew he would want to. He was or had just turned fifteen however. His birthday was in December, I knew that. So I imagined he did have enough experience. He was almost identical to Ben but he had blond hair and blue eyes. There were some other slight differences in their faces as well, but looking at the two of them you could tell that they were related. Most people thought he was Ben's younger brother instead of his cousin.

He wasn't Ben, but he looked like him, and that was all I needed. I found him hanging out in the Entrance Hall with this two friends, Stuart and Jonathan. They were all slouched against the wall and talking. In the past I would have just walked over to him without hesitation but that time I hesitated. I stood watching him before I walked over slowly. I needed my confidence back. I hated the fact that I was almost the same as Ashley when it came to these situations. I didn't want to be that way, so I took a deep breath and walked over to him more quickly.

"Ellen," Sam said happily when I reached him. His two friends grinned at me as well. That told me that not all blokes hated me then. They were looking me up and down. Perhaps I just needed to take the advice I'd given Ashley a while back. I'd told her that she didn't need to stick to the boys in our year. These boys would appreciate an older girl. As long as they weren't too young, I really didn't have that hang up about age, even if I did prefer my age or older. A year younger wasn't that big of a difference.

"Come for a walk with me," I told Sam and I held my hand out to him.

I was sure he knew automatically that I wanted more than a walk. His friends could see it too. They exchanged looks quickly and then they smirked. Sam's smile widened and he grabbed my hand. He was actually only about four months younger than me. We were actually the same age, so I wasn't actually going younger when it came to him. He was one of those people who had missed the September cut off age.

Ashley seemed to know many of the short cuts and hidden passages in the castle. She'd told me it was because in the second year she'd spent the time exploring the castle. However, I had to wonder why she knew so many of these secret places. Had she taken Denver or even Jared there to snog or shag? She'd shown me many of them as if knowing I'd want a secret place to snog. There was one that wasn't too far from where we were. I didn't think too many people knew it was there because it looked just like the stone walls, but it was actually a doorway into a passage. There wasn't even a door there. You just had to feel the wall to find it. I'd taken Stan there a few times after dinner or lunch. That was where I was headed with Sam.

"So this is more than a walk," Sam said when I released his hand and began feeling for the place.

"You know about this passage?" I asked him.

"Nope. I wish I had, but it's obvious what you are doing," Sam said with a huge grin. "We all know there are rooms and corridors hidden by charms. I'm not a first year anymore you know."

"No you're most certainly not," I answered him and winked. "And I am not a second year anymore."

"I've noticed, believe me," Sam said as he watched me.

I finally found the spot. Considering the amount of times I'd used it, one would think I could find it easily, but I never could. My hand finally went through the wall though, so I grabbed Sam's hand again and pulled him inside. It was just a small passage way, but I didn't think too many people knew it was there. It took you into another corridor if you went all the way through.

"But I take it you don't want to spend the time catching up," Sam said once I turned to face him. He pinned me up against the wall and grinned down at me. He was so handsome and I could pretend that I was with Ben when it came to him. He didn't waste anytime either, he leaned down and kissed me. He did know what he was doing. I hadn't been kissed so passionately in long while. I almost went limp in his arms.

"I want more," I told when we finally broke apart, both breathless.

"More?" He asked with confusion. "Ellen, I don't date."

"No not that," I told him quickly and smiled. "I mean, I want to do more than snog."

He nodded with amusement. "I should have known. Well, I'll be happy to give you more. Let me guess, I am a substitute for my dear cousin right?"

"Of course not," I lied.

"Yes I am," Sam said smiling even more. "I don't care you know. I heard everything that happened with Ben and Ashley in Hogsmeade. I was expecting this. In fact, I am surprised that you didn't come to me sooner. I've always known about you and Ben."

"He should be with me, not Ashley," I replied.

I knew Sam was shallow. I was sure he agreed with me when it came to that. He was probably wondering why Ben hadn't chosen me. Considering the way that he was looking at me with such desire in his eyes, even knowing this information, I was sure he thought Ben was an idiot. I'd heard other boys, including Michael say the same thing.

"I don't know about that one," Sam said however, "but I am surprised that he didn't at least shag you. Well, his loss is my gain," and he leaned forward to kiss me. I pulled away however.

"Wait, you think he made the right choice. I would think that you'd choose me over Ashley if she was single. I would think that you thought Ben was an idiot for choosing her over me," I said.

"Ellen, I am not going to do this with you," Sam responded. "I've always known how Ben felt about her. Now, if I were in his shoes and I had to choose? It would be you. I understand why he did it though. I'd shag her if I could, but between you and her? It would always be you. I'm not going to stand here and bad mouth my cousin and his girlfriend with you though. You brought me here to snog, and that's what we're going to do. I'll be more than happy to be with you whenever you want. The only thing I won't tolerate is you bitching about Ben. We may not be as close as we used to be, but he is still my friend and my cousin."

He looked even more like Ben when he was angry and it made me want him even more. There were many times when Ben and me would fight, and I would feel turned on by his anger. I would want to shag him and make things up. I'd had make up sex with Stan, and even Zachary and it had been amazing. With Sam staring at me the way he was, I was getting hot because he looked so much like angry Ben.

"This afternoon turned out better than I thought it would," he said afterward. "I didn't even expect that you wanted to shag in here. I thought you were meaning later or somewhere else. Christ that was amazing."

"Well I did mean later," I answered. I was still panting. I decided to tell him the truth. He already knew most of it anyway. He knew that it was Ben I wanted and not him. So I doubted he would care that his anger was what had turned me on.

"Next time should I lecture you about homework then?" Sam asked good-naturedly after I explained.

"It probably won't come off the same way," I told him smiling weakly. "But I do want to do this again," I didn't want to admit that I was disappointed that we couldn't do more at that moment.

"Well as I said, I'll never turn you away. I just won't talk about Ashley and Ben with you," he responded.

"I don't want to talk about them anyway," I lied. "Let's meet here again tomorrow after dinner."

"Sure, but I do know other places to go Ellen. We'll have more room, and it will be more comfortable than me shagging you against a stone wall."

When he brought this up, I realized that my back actually did hurt. I hadn't noticed during, but it had actually been uncomfortable and I likely had scrapes my back. I agreed with this quickly and gave him my number for my message parchment. Most Hogwarts students had them by this point. They were actually sold out now, and the Weasley's were working on getting more out.

"Just message me when and where then," I told him.

"Will do," he answered with a smile and he leaned down to kiss me again. "I'll make time for you always Ellen."

"Same for you Sam," I said.

I let him go off first. I wanted some time to get myself together before I went to the common room. Shagging Sam had been amazing, but it hadn't been enough. I wanted Ben. I felt the anger for him and Ashley that I had been trying to hold back since we'd made up returned. Why didn't Ben want me? His cousin and everyone else did. Why would he choose even Lydia Jewel over me? I still felt even after all this time that this was the most insulting thing he'd done to me. In my opinion, it was worse than him shagging my best friend and that was right up there. Why couldn't he just admit how he felt so we could be together? How long would it take before Ashley and Ben got it out of their systems?

I had a minor disagreement with my friends on the train on the way home. Ashley was so insistent on doing well on every single one of her exams. It just didn't make sense to me. She'd decided at the end of last year to be a school teacher, so she really didn't need all of that. Even if she wanted to do something in the Ministry, it still didn't mean that she should study so hard for all her classes.

I knew what would end up happening at the end of the year. She would have high expectations for every exam, and she'd get her results back only to find that she didn't do as well as she wanted. She would pass most of them, but she'd mainly get Acceptable's. With classes like Arithmancy, Ancient Runes and Potions, she would probably get P's in them. I was sure even with Transfiguration she'd either get an A or P in it. I doubted she'd get any D's but I knew she'd end up disappointed. She would be upset and she would fall into that old self-pity and she'd bitch and whine about how she wasn't smart enough. She would cry that she'd tried so hard and still failed. We would have to be the ones to comfort her. Well, I wouldn't that time. I would be more than happy to tell her: 'I told you so.'

So when I told her on the train that she shouldn't have high expectations, I was just trying to help her out. However, both her and Ben didn't see it this way. They both got angry with me. They both just saw me as insulting her when I wasn't trying to do that. I just didn't want her to set herself up for failure, especially since she planned to keep every class that she got an OWL in. Ben had most certainly rubbed off on her. I missed the old Ashley who cared about classes, but also wanted to have fun too. This Ashley was too focused on our school work.

And then Ben had to turn it around on me. Obviously he'd forgotten his promise back in second year because he still bothered me about school. Sure I asked him for help sometimes, but that was different. I didn't want to hear it if I didn't ask for it. There was no need for him to get on my case. I was planning on being a Professional Quidditch player. I didn't need to worry about the rest. I only worked on my homework because I didn't want detention and I didn't want to lose my place on the team. If it weren't for any of that, I wouldn't have done it at all.

I finally got to a point where I snapped at Ben to get off my case. The two of us glared at each other and it put me in mind of that day in the passage with Sam. We'd been together multiple times since then, and it had been amazing, but it hadn't been as hot as it had been the first time. It was because I'd been imagining Sam looking at me the way Ben was now. I wanted to kick Ashley out of the compartment and shag him right there and then. Neither one could possibly understand how hot and bothered I was at the moment. I wondered if I should try to find Sam on the train. However, I pushed that idea away. It wasn't a good idea. I had to calm myself down.

Thankfully, soon more people joined our compartment to distract me. When I got home, I would have to see if I could find Zachary. At least this time I wouldn't be cheating on anyone.

As soon as we got home that day, mum went into full lecture mode. It wasn't just about my marks (I was close to failing) but my weight as well. I had gained some weight back, but I was still far too thin. At least she hadn't seen me when Ashley had brought me back to reality. Timmy who had lectured me in the summer looked at me with disappointment and worry as well. Then mum sent him to his room so she could talk to me in the kitchen. Likely he was listening in though. He had plenty of extendible ears.

"Ellen, you are there to do school work, not to spend time with boys. How could you let some boy affect you so much?" Mum demanded.

"It's Ben," I said. "It isn't just some boy. Ashley is dating my boyfriend. If you had to see your best friend with your boyfriend, you'd feel bad too!"

"Ellen, when are you going to get it through your head that Ben isn't interested in you?" Mum asked me. "Maybe I should pull you out of school for a bit."

"What do you mean pull me out of school? You can't! It's OWL year mum. I don't want to repeat fifth year!" I said angrily. Would she make me go back next year while all my friends had advanced?

"I want you to pass your fifth year. I would just hire a tutor here for you. Maybe you need a break from Ben and Ashley," mum replied. "You could finish out your fifth year at home and maybe go back next year for your sixth year."

"You can't do that!" I said with shock. "All witches and wizards have to learn at Hogwarts!"

"No they don't," mum said. "Some parents educate their children at home, or they even send them to other schools. Hogwarts isn't the only school you know. There are smaller ones as well. Some parents aren't comfortable with sending their children to a boarding school. There is one here in London I could even send you to. You'd come home everyday and I'd at least know that you're doing well in school."

"No!" I shouted.

"Then you'd better change your attitude now. I don't want to ever see you come home in this state again. Your marks need to improve by the Easter holidays and you need to stop focusing so much on Ben or any other boy in that school. If you can't be mature enough to work on school there, I will have no choice but to pull you out. I want you to succeed in life," mum said. "I've been too lenient with you all these years. In your second year, you told me you'd take your OWLs seriously. I was foolish enough to believe you. I worry about what else you're doing while your there and if you're doing something that you shouldn't."

"Something that I shouldn't?" I asked, I sat down in one of the chairs. My legs felt weak. I didn't want to leave Hogwarts. I couldn't imagine not going back. I couldn't imagine not playing Quidditch anymore or seeing Ashley again. What would happen to my friendships if I didn't go back?

"Ever since last summer I've been worried about you," mum said. "You mentioned that Zachary wanted to shag Ashley. You said it so casually."

"I'm not shagging mum," I lied to her. I made sure to make my voice sound exasperated. "I told you I wouldn't until I was sixteen, and I've kept that promise. I don't feel ready yet. The boys do talk about it though. They always say who they would shag and who they wouldn't. They probably haven't though. I bet Jared probably hasn't yet, and he talks about it the most out of anyone. It's things people my age talk about mum. That doesn't mean they are doing it."

"I know Ashley has," mum stated and I looked at her with surprise. How could she possibly even know that? I knew my mum and Ashley talked a lot. Ashley had even shared details of her relationship with mum. However, I just couldn't imagine her confessing to my mum about that!

"Darla told me," she answered when I didn't say anything. "She figured it out about Ashley. She had some girl named Rachel find out for her. Apparently she's pregnant now she'll end up being a single mother."

"Was pregnant. Rachel had the baby in September," I told her. "She named him Hayden, but Rachel is like twenty-six. She's old enough to be a mother. Ashley isn't stupid. From what she's told me, she had always been careful and she is now on birth control potion. It's why I haven't wanted to yet. They don't let you go on the potion until you're sixteen, and the last thing I want to be is a teen mum. I want to be a Professional Quidditch player."

I lied so much to my friends and family that it always came so easily to me. I hadn't expected a lecture from mum about sex, so all of this was coming from the top of my head. She seemed as if she believed me however.

"Well, I am glad to hear that at least. I know all about Michael's parents and I don't want to see you end up that way. I want you to have a life, but I do worry sometimes when you hang out with those muggles in this building. I really like Ashley and Ben and Ashley seemed to have been a good influence on you for the most part, but if they're causing you to slack off-"

"No they aren't," I said. "Ben is on my case even more than before and Ashley has been lecturing me. She was the one who forced me to get out of bed and start going to classes again. Even Michael has been telling me to work harder."

"I believe that, and I knew that with Ashley. She was the one told me about you. She wrote to me about what happened before you did. I knew you were going to come home with some weight loss, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. What I meant was, if it's going to be too hard for you to be around them, then you shouldn't be around them. I don't like seeing you this way Ellen. You slacked off because you don't want them to be together."

"It wasn't just Ben and Ashley mum. It was just everything happening all at once. The two of them ended up together, Stan dumped me and you told me about dad and that woman. I felt so overwhelmed by the school work too. This year is a nightmare. All of that just made me break down. If it weren't for Ben and Ashley, I wouldn't have pulled my marks up," I said.

"Well your school work is important Ellen. Even if you plan to play professionally, you need the marks for back up. You have to have a back up career. Your teachers would tell you that for any career you choose. So you can't let boys or friends get in the way of succeeding, and as for your father, he hasn't been in your life for the last three years. You shouldn't throw everything away for him. I know it upsets you and that is understandable but you can't let him let you fail," mum said. "And if I have to pull you out of school so you'll succeed I will."

"If you pull me out of school, I will purposely fail," I told her.

"Don't threaten me Ellen," mum snapped.

"Then don't threaten me. I'll work harder, but the worst thing you can do is pull me out of school! I won't go to some other school besides Hogwarts and I won't co-operate with a tutor," I told her. "I'll work harder."

"You'd better," mum said. "In fact, that's what you can get started on now. You'll do a subject everyday before you can even see your muggle friends. If you don't do any of it then you can't go to the New Years party either this year."

I glared at her furiously before I turned and stomped as loud as I possibly could all the way to my room. We weren't supposed to stomp because we had people who lived below us. I didn't care though. I saw Timmy as I went, and of course he had one of his extendible's. Angrily, I ripped it from his hand and threw it on the ground before I went into my room and slammed the door. How could she put me through all of this? How dare she threaten to pull me out of school? I would pull a Michael and I'd run away and work at the Leaky Cauldron for room and board before I went to some dumb magic day school.

I considered writing to my friends about what mum had said, but I changed my mind as soon as I grabbed my parchment. All three of them would actually see her point. Even Lindsay would see her point. Everyone had been telling me to work harder that year. They would be upset about me being pulled out of Hogwarts, but they would tell me that I should work harder then. I could already see what each of them would say when they wrote back. So I put the parchment down on my desk and then went to my school bag. It wouldn't hurt to do my homework, but I wasn't happy about it at all. I felt like mum was serious this time.

Zachary seemed more than happy to see me when I visited him. I was just glad that this time we could hang out without any guilt. I hated how he felt the need to tell me: 'I told you so,' when it came to Ben and Ashley. He annoyed me when he questioned me on whether or not I'd told Stan about our summer fling.

"Are you nuts?" I asked him. "It was bad enough that he had to figure out that I was in love with Ben. I wasn't going to add insult to injury."

"Seems like he was kind of rough with you when he found out. Maybe it's best you two ended things," Zachary said.

I hadn't told him about the body-bind of course, but I'd told him how Stan had grabbed me and he'd made me stand there and talk to him. He hadn't hurt me though. I didn't even think he was rough with me.

"He wasn't," I said. "He just grabbed me and he made me stand there so he could yell at me."

"Well at least you don't have to worry about him finding out this time," Zachary said.

"I'm going to stay single for a while," I said. "We just have to be careful. Mum is worried that I am having sex and I told her I am not. So you can't leave any marks on me this time. I had to wear foundation on my neck last summer because of you. No hickeys this time."

"I won't do anything to make your mum think that you're not a saint," Zachary said sarcastically while rolling his eyes.

"Mum definitely doesn't think that I am a saint. She just doesn't need to know that I am shagging. She thinks I am going to wait until I'm sixteen," I told him.

"So after your sixteenth birthday we can be open about us?" He asked. "Good to know."

"Why are you such a prat?" I asked with amusement.

"A prat that you shag," Zachary laughed and then he kissed me. "I do look forward to the holidays Ellen. I miss you when you're at school."

At least if mum did pull me out of school I would have someone to hang out with. I just hoped it wouldn't come to that. I couldn't imagine not being able to finish Hogwarts. I wanted to finish my seventh year when everyone else did.

The Christmas holidays that year weren't much fun. It was colder and snowier than usual that year. Usually I tried to go outside despite the cold, but that year I stayed inside most of the time. Either I hung out at Zachary's or I stayed at my place and spent time with Timmy. He was very annoying that year because of my school work. I didn't want a lecture of a ten-year-old.

"But you promised me you'd do better this year," Timmy said to me.

"Well I will. When the exams come, I'll try then. Right now our marks don't matter. I could fail every single assignment but pass my exams. The teachers can't fail me this year Timmy. This is all about the OWLs and it's whoever at the Ministry that marks them," I told him. "You shouldn't concern yourself with my grades."

"Well I do," Timmy said. "I'm getting ready for first year, and I want you to be in your sixth year when I do. Ben gave me some sample homework already."

"What do you mean sample homework?" I asked him.

"He sent me some work sheets that I'd use in the first year," he answered.

"You are going to be another Ben. How are you my brother? We are nothing alike," I said.

"I want to do well in school," Timmy insisted. "When will Ashley be here?"

"We haven't talked about that yet. Why? Are you going pester her about Charms? She probably won't be here until right before the first day of school," I answered.

"I want to ask about Charms but I just want to see her too," Timmy answered. "I have a new book that I want her to read to me."

"You still want her to read to you?" I asked.

He'd asked her during the summer to read to him, which I'd found odd. She had been more than happy to do it, but he was at the age where he read by himself. I didn't even think mum read to him anymore. So why did he want her to do it? When I was ten, the last thing I'd wanted was for mum and dad to read to me. In fact, I'd read to him back then. Most kids by the age of ten felt that they were too old for it.

"Yes, so?" He asked.

"I just don't understand how you can act so much older than ten one moment, but then turn into a six-year-old the next. Not too many ten-year-olds still get bedtime stories," I said to him.

"I only like it when she does it. This will probably be the last time too. Once I start school, things will be different. It's a chapter book. It's not a kid's story," Timmy answered.

"Well I am sure she won't mind," I said. "I think once you're fifteen like me she'll find it odd though."

"I won't still ask when I am fifteen," Timmy replied with a shrug. "I'll be too busy trying to do well in school anyway, like you should be. You shouldn't even be hanging out with those muggles so much. They're bad news."

"No they're not," I said. "I need people to hang out with when I am home. You'll be the same way when you start school. You'll make friends but you'll miss having people your own age around, especially the summers. They help pass the time and I am almost done my homework for the holidays now anyway. Look, I am getting enough of this from mum. I don't want it from you too. All of you will be happy in the summer when I get my OWL results."

"But you let things stress you out that you shouldn't," Timmy said. "Like Ashley and Ben. There are better blokes for you then Ben, or even Zachary."

"I thought you liked Ben," I said when I heard his tone. He said Ben in almost a mean way. How he could he even know anything about Zachary? We didn't even touch each other when Timmy was around.

"I do like Ben. He tells me about Hogwarts all the time and he nice to me. He just isn't the boy for you, and neither is Zachary," Timmy replied.

"Zachary and I are just friends," I lied.

"I'm not stupid Ellen," Timmy said. "I know a lot more goes on between you that you let on. I know that last summer even though you were with that bloke, Stan, you still did stuff with Zachary."

"Shh!" I said as I glanced towards my open door. Mum could have been listening in on us.

I highly doubted that he meant shagging. He likely didn't really understand it at that age. I knew about sex at ten, but I didn't know much about it besides the fact that mum and dad did it. However, mum still didn't need to hear him say any of that. She wouldn't be happy to hear it, even if it was just snogging. She wouldn't be happy to know that I'd cheated on a boyfriend, or that I'd snogged him, especially since I was supposed to be baby-sitting my brother while it happened.

"I haven't told mum," Timmy said. "I wouldn't do that. I won't tell anyone. I just know that you snogged him, and that you always do. I've seen you a couple of times."

"Zachary is what people call friends with benefits," I finally admitted. "I don't want a muggle boy. Someday when you're older, you'll understand. Thanks for keeping my secret though. Someday you'll need me to do the same for you."

"That's not why I didn't tell mum. I just didn't want to. You're my sister," he answered. "And I have kissed before you know. There is a girl in my class named Belinda. She is very pretty."

I wasn't even surprised when he said this to me. I should have been given his age, but I had a feeling my brother was going to be like me when it came to relationships and snogging. So many girls were going to want him too. He was a very good-looking kid. He was quite small for his age like I had been (well still was) but I had a feeling the girls would love him. I was sure even the little girls in his class thought that he was cute.

"Well I hope you won't break her heart," I said to him. "Especially once you start at Hogwarts."

"I don't think I will," Timmy answered with a shrug. "She likes another boy in my class now anyway. I'm too short for her. Ellen, will I always have that problem?"

"No," I answered.

"I heard girls like tall boys better," he insisted.

"They don't only go for height. There are girls who like tall boys, but I doubt you'll get rejected all the time for your height, and you can still grow you know. Any girl who does isn't worth your time anyway," I said.

"Can you give me advice on girls when I need it?" He asked.

I couldn't believe I was already talking about this with him. He was going to be girl crazy. At times it was hard for me to separate him from that seven-year-old boy he used to be. It seemed odd to be talking about snogging and dating with him. In reality though, he was just two years younger than I was when I'd had my first boyfriend. It wasn't really that strange that he was already showing interest in girls. I told him I would. I didn't want him to end up with a Tara or Melanie, so I would always give him advice. I had a feeling that I would hate some of his girlfriends as well. People often said brothers were protective of sisters, but I had a feeling I'd be protective of him.

By the time I got back to school, I had everything caught up. I didn't know if it would stay that way however. I was just worried about mum trying to pull me out of school. She seemed very serious about it. I would do my best to keep my homework caught up, but I wasn't going to stress myself about it. I wasn't going to be the same as the rest of the fifth years. I didn't want to be up late and then up early to do everything we had to do. I just planned to do enough to please everyone.

In the meantime, I used Quidditch and other boys to keep me distracted from Ben and Ashley. I'd hoped the time away from them would help, but it hadn't. I knew for sure now that they were shagging. I knew it would be naive to think that they wouldn't be, but I'd heard Ashley tell Sarah that she and Ben had shagged for the first time over the Christmas holidays. It was something I knew she wouldn't tell me in case it hurt me, but she had no problem telling Sarah about it. She'd brought up the fact that her Michael had shagged secretly at her New Years party and they'd gone from there.

I hated knowing or hearing about it. I had to admit that it was a surprise they'd waited for so long. Considering she and Denver had sex outside the day they got back together, I'd believed the same for her and Ben too. It had been easier when I hadn't known for sure though. It was even worse to hear her talk about how it had just been right, and more amazing than with Denver who she thought she had loved.

After I heard that conversation, I sought out not only Sam, but his friends as well. From there, I went for other boys too. It seemed the one blokes even in my year knew that I wanted to shag without commitment, and they had no problem with this. I did worry it would get back to my friends if the boys knew this. They didn't need to know how many different boys I was sleeping with. I didn't even like to think about it. I knew what it made me, and I'd never thought I'd become one of those girls. I was fifteen-years-old and I probably had more experience than some people in their twenties and that wasn't good.

"Why are you doing this?" Keith asked me one evening in the library when he sat down to join me. "You should have more respect for yourself."

"Why?" I asked him and I was serious.

Why should I have any respect for myself? The boy I loved was with my best friend, all my ex-boyfriends had dumped me because of that boy, my father wanted nothing to do with me. He preferred some woman over his own kids anyway. If my own father couldn't love or respect me, then why should I? I might as well be that girl that everyone said I was.

"Because you're better than this," Keith said.

"I'm really not," I told him. "Why else would Ben pick Lydia over me?"

"Lydia?" Keith asked with confusion. I explained to him quickly and Keith shrugged. "Sounds like he just used her for a shag and dump. It means he respects you too much. You know that all these boys don't respect you right?"

"I don't care if they do," I replied.

"Well you should," he said. "You're such an amazing girl. You shouldn't let one boy put you down this road. You know Stan loved you before he found out about Ben."

"He said it was the worst relationship he ever had," I reminded Keith. I'd heard Stan that very thing to Keith when Keith had stuck up for me.

"Because he is hurt and angry. He doesn't mean any of it. You should have heard him go on about you before that day," Keith told me. "Most people like you, you know. You're a great girl. You're fun to be with. You're loyal to your friends. You are very smart when you try. You're one of the best Quidditch players since Ginny Weasley. When you add all of that up, the rest doesn't matter. I just think you should stop going for so many blokes. If you need to shag, stick to one, or find a boyfriend. Just don't sleep around Ellen. You have many reasons to respect yourself."

"Ben said he'd use me for a shag and dump," I said. "So he doesn't respect me."

"I bet he didn't mean it," Keith said. "He was angry because you tried to crash his date with Ashley. What is it about Ben? He's a great friend, but why are so many of you girls obsessed with him? You're letting yourself fail and you're giving yourself a bad reputation for him. Ellen, there are better guys out there for you."

"Like who?" I asked.

Keith gazed at me and I thought I saw desire in his eyes. For a moment I felt breathless. Many boys had looked at me this way. They had recently when they'd wanted to shag me, but none of them had made me feel this way when they looked at me. Not even Sam had, and I'd thought that had been intense because of Ben. This was different though, and I couldn't explain why. I wanted nothing but to kiss him. He was very good-looking, but it wasn't just that. There was something else, and I couldn't explain it.

This was Keith though. I'd always gotten on well with him. I'd known him since first year as the shy version of Ashley. In fact, there had been a time when I'd believed they would make a good couple because of it. For some reason now when I thought of the two of them together, I felt intense jealousy. It bothered me almost as much as it bothered me when I thought about her and Ben together. Where had these feelings come from? He was someone I'd always been able to talk to. He was so easy to talk to. I'd never really imagined him as more than a friend though. Was it because of how body crazy I was, and my competitive edge? Our eyes were locked for a long moment before he finally looked away.

"Like who Keith?" I asked, my heart was beating quite fast.

"Anyone," he muttered. "Let's just get working on this assignment, Ellen."

But I wanted to know. Was he interested in me? He looked down at the assignment though. He didn't seem as if he wanted to look at me again. I sighed with disappointment. I was sure we'd had a moment there, but perhaps I was wrong. Why would he want a girl like me anyway? He was a good boy. I was sure he hadn't even shagged yet. It was only mid-January, and I'd shagged a bunch of different boys.

For the first time since I'd really started this up, I felt shame. What was I doing? We didn't always use protection. What if I ended up pregnant? I'd gone from just wanting Sam or Zachary to full out slut. It was disgusting. What boy would want me for a relationship now? I was obsessed with a boy who was taken and I was sleeping around. What would Ben say if he knew anyway? He wouldn't respect a girl like me. He thought Lydia was disgusting because of her attitude. Now I was doing the same thing, and I'd always looked down on her for it. When him and Ashley broke up, what if he decided he didn't want me anymore? What about Keith? What did he really think of me?

And it was that conversation with Keith that was finally my wake up call. I was still in love with Ben, but I couldn't sleep around anymore. I could continue to see Sam once and a while, but I was done with the rest of the blokes. At least I had only been an idiot for a couple of weeks. It could have gone on for longer and I could have ended up pregnant, or it could have come out into the open to everyone what I was doing. I just hoped my friends didn't know, and that they would never ever find out.

I returned to the common room later on deep in thought about all this. What if I'd gotten an STD? What was wrong with me?

Ben was sitting alone oddly enough when I entered the common room. Ashley had started disappearing when we returned, and one of us knew what she was doing. She wasn't hanging out with her second year friends. I could see them sitting together. In fact, there was a few times when Alana came to talk to me. I'd helped her out a few times myself with makeup and everything. I didn't want to hang out with her, but I thought she was a nice enough girl. She reminded me of Ashley in fact. It was probably why the young girl looked up to my friend so much.

Ben glanced up at me when I sat down with him. He looked distracted, and I wondered if it was from school work. The moment we'd returned to school, they had piled it on us. I felt that I'd done more school work in the last few months than I had the first four years. Did we really need so much to prepare us for OWLs?

"Have you noticed anything odd about Ashley?" He asked me however. So it wasn't about school work.

I didn't know what he meant by odd. I'd noticed that she was disappearing lately, and she also seemed to be losing weight. I believed it must have been because of stress from school work. She tended to lose weight when she was stressed. So I hadn't given much thought to it.

On the other hand, I'd noticed her putting something into Michael's bag the other day. Was that what he meant? She hadn't known that I was watching, but she'd looked around as if worried she'd be caught. I wasn't sure what she was putting in there though, but she almost seemed guilty. Was she up to something that she shouldn't have been? Was there a chance that she was even cheating on Ben or something? I wouldn't have believed it when it came to her, but I wouldn't have cheated either. Maybe she realized he wasn't the one for her after all and she'd found someone else. I didn't know what to say to this.

"Define odd," I finally said. "Are any of us really what you would call normal?"

"She is losing weight," Ben replied.

So he'd noticed too, but he was also her boyfriend. If they were shagging, of course he would see it.

"I've noticed that too," I told him with a nod. "Her robes are just hanging off of her. Maybe it's just stress because of the exams. I still think she is being ridiculous about classes like History of Magic and Astronomy. She won't need them past fifth year. You know she feels the need to prove herself. She also wants to please you with her school marks."

In fact, I believed it was his fault that she thought she had to pass every exam. She wanted to please him. I knew she loved him and that she actually wouldn't cheat. It was just the hopeful part of me that wanted their relationship to end. It wasn't good that I was even hoping she would cheat on him. If I cared about him at all, I wouldn't have wanted that. It made me almost question my feelings for him. What if mum was right and I was just feeling competitive with her?

"Could you maybe ask her for me?" He asked. "It's not the kind of question a boyfriend should ask their girlfriend."

I nodded. I did want to know what was going on with her. What if something was wrong? At times she still didn't want to bring things up because she worried we'd see it as self-pity. That was the annoying thing with her. She used to bitch about boys not wanting her, but when it came to serious things, she wouldn't talk about it.

"I'll wait for the right moment," I told him. "I'm worried as well. She is at every meal though."

"You should be watching yourself as well," he continued. "You really haven't gained back any of the weight you lost."

This did show that he cared about me. At times I did question it, especially when it came to his anger with me, or the times when he tried to keep me at a distance. We got along well enough, even since that day in Hogsmeade. We talked a lot and joked around when we had Quidditch, but sometimes I still felt insecure around him. He'd never shown me the love or worry he'd shown Ashley, and I was still sure deep down it was me who he wanted. What if he realized how he felt when it was too late?

I was tired of this conversation though. Everyone from my mum, to Keith, to even Sam was concerned about my weight. I ate every meal, and I even ate a lot of dessert.

"It's not easy for me to gain weight Ben," I answered. "Believe me, my mum was concerned as well. She made me eat second helpings. I could sit there and eat fattening food everyday and not exercise but not gain a pound. It's awful."

Just as I said this, Melanie walked by.

"Yes how awful for you," she said. "It must be so stressful that you don't have to watch your weight."

I just rolled my eyes at this. Sure, there were girls who had to watch their weight. Maybe I shouldn't complain about having a good metabolism, but it didn't matter how much I ate. I stayed too skinny. I didn't want to be too skinny. I just wanted to get back to my old weight. It wasn't a good thing when people thought I looked sick even after all this time. I ignored this though. I didn't want to fight with her at the moment.

"Anyway, I do train for Quidditch a lot, so anything I eat I just burn off," I continued.

Ben nodded and then sighed.

"I never apologized you know," he began.

I knew automatically what he was talking about. There wasn't too much that he would have to apologize for. He was talking about our fight in Hogsmeade. We weren't supposed to talk about that anymore.

"We promised we weren't going to talk about that again," I reminded him. We didn't need to talk about it. I didn't want any bad feelings between us when we'd been getting along so well lately. Besides the homework thing, none of us were fighting and I wanted to leave it that way.

"I know, but I meant to apologize for the shag and dump thing. I don't think you have a bad personality. I was just really pissed off at you. I was trying to hurt you," he said. "It isn't something I should have said to a friend."

"It's fine Ben," I told him, and it truly was because I knew he hadn't meant it. It had hurt me, but I'd known it was because he was so angry with me for trying to ruin things between him and Ashley. "I knew what you were doing. You had every right to be angry with me. I was out of line that day. I probably would have done the same thing to someone if I were in your shoes. I mean, it was your first date with her. I was being a bad friend."

"So we're good?" He asked me and I nodded.

If he was so worried about this, it had to mean something. I knew a friend wouldn't want to hurt me, but he was so concerned that I was upset about the shag and dump thing. He didn't want me to believe that. He wanted me to believe that if we shagged, it would mean something. So even though he was with Ashley, he still wanted me.

"Don't worry, we're fine," I told him. "I'll see what I can do about bringing up the weight loss to Ashley. I still think it's stress from OWLs. She isn't the only one losing weight from them. Everyone is up late studying and stressing over them. Even Matt Neano has lost weight and he's always been overweight."

Matt Neano was an overweight Slytherin boy. Not only that, but he was very pimply and greasy. He was the boy version of Maisie, except that she was skinny. He very rarely showered so he smelled bad. I didn't understand how someone could be okay with smelling bad, but he and Maisie didn't seem to care. He'd lost weight that year though, and I imagined it was from stress. He could actually be attractive if he lost more weight and took care of himself. He wasn't bad looking, but it was just hard to tell.

Later that night, when I got ready for bed, I found something strange in my trunk. There were a bunch of puking pustilles on top of everything. Where had they come from? I had some, but not this many. Someone had put them in there, and the thing was, not too many people could get into my trunk.

I didn't trust Melanie at all. So I'd asked Ashley to charm my trunk so it only recognized people that I trusted. She was advanced enough with it that she could do things like that. Only the boys, and maybe Sarah could get into it besides Ashley. Not even Jess, Anne and Erica were part of the people I trusted, even if I liked them. I just felt because they competed with me that they didn't have my best interests at heart. Sarah didn't buy them. She had the same attitude as Ben did. Ashley didn't buy them either, but what if she had? Maybe she'd decided to try them, but changed her mind and gave them to me.

Maybe she had decided to try them because of how stressful this year was, but then chickened out. That was the only explanation I could think of. I couldn't think of who else could put them in my trunk, or why they would? I knew I only had a few left, and whoever it was had put six in mine.

I decided not to worry about it for the moment, but I would have to talk to her soon. Instead, I just got ready for bed and then checked my message parchment. I was waiting for a response from my dad. He'd gotten one recently, not that he really wrote to me. He'd only written to me twice since he'd told me he had one. We hadn't even gone to his place again. All he would do was tell me to be good and study hard and that he would study soon.

However, I'd written to him recently to see if I could get permission to Ben's brothers wedding. Barry had proposed to his girlfriend, Tasha. She was pregnant now too, so they were getting married in February. Apparently they'd wanted to wait until the summer, but the baby made them moved things up. They'd invited Michael, Ashley and me to the wedding too. Mum had said no. She didn't want me missing anymore classes after what had happened first term, so I'd turned to dad instead. If he gave me permission, I could go. I'd been waiting everyday for a week for him to get back to me.

There was a message waiting for me, and my heart sank when I read it. It wasn't from dad, but from mum. He must have written to her to see what her opinion was. I'd been counting on the fact that they didn't like talking to each other, and the fact that when dad did talk to me he tried to spoil me. Unfortunately, he'd written to check up with her to see if it was okay with her for me to go. Obviously they put two and two together and they were both pissed. Mum wrote a long lecture about how I couldn't use them against each other like that, and she could still pull me out of Hogwarts. She told me that I would be grounded for my Easter Break for trying to pull that kind of stunt.

Thanks for trying to ruin my life mum. I wrote back before I rolled up the parchment and got into bed. I'd really wanted to go to the wedding. At least I wasn't the only one not allowed to go either. Ashley hadn't been able to get permission either. I'd been surprised by that one, but apparently her mother knew how important fifth year was, and she didn't think a wedding was a good enough excuse to miss school. So at least I'd have someone to vent with, but I thought our parents were being ridiculous. Since when was mum so strict anyway?

Even Ben found our parents attitudes to be over the top. When I told him the next day about it, he wrote to my mother instantly to try and talk her into letting me go. I didn't tell him the reason for why. I didn't want a lecture about my school marks. I just hoped my mum wouldn't tell him the reason either. Apparently all she told him was that her mind was made up, especially after I'd pull my stunt with my dad.

I knew a lot of it was my fault. If I hadn't slacked off, mum probably would be more easy-going. It was the first time she had really cracked down on me after all. Sure she had warned me in the past, but this time she had gone full on parental with me. However, instead of blaming myself, I put the blame on Ashley and Ben instead. In my mind, I felt that if they hadn't gotten together, I wouldn't have had such a bad term. Ben should have just realized that it was me he was meant to be with. My grades were suffering because of him!

And of course the upcoming wedding was all Michael or Ben would talk about. Of course Michael had permission to go since Ben's parents had guardianship of him. When I joined them a couple of nights later, they were talking about this.

"The wedding isn't for another month," Michael was complaining when I joined him and Ben. "You're saying we aren't going to have anymore fun until the wedding?"

"No, but it's a week night," Ben told Michael.. "We can relax on the weekend. Most of this stuff is due on Friday."

"You know you can't convince Ben not to do homework," I said jokingly.

Ben grinned at me. At least he knew I was joking. Sometimes he didn't know and he would get defensive, but he seemed to be in a good mood that night.

"No, I think he's right," he said to me still smiling, "we should start relaxing more on the weekends. Whether you believe it or not the work load is getting to me as well. I am sick and tired of school work. I am tired of being stressed all the time."

"I can't believe you're actually admitting to that," I said with surprise. Ben generally wouldn't admit to being stressed or tired of the school work. Even if he were, he still wouldn't. Fifth year must have been changing everyone. "I mean, I figured you must be getting stressed but you never admit to it."

"Well I am," he replied. "It seems as if I get through one pile only to have more added to it. My sisters and Barry told me that fifth year would be a nightmare. I believed them, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. I am looking forward to getting out of the castle for a weekend for Barry's wedding."

"Must be nice," I muttered.

I wanted to get away from the castle too and forget about everything we had to do. Ben and Michael glanced at each other, but they didn't say anything else about it. It was quiet for a few moments until Michael spoke up.

"Ellen, have you been giving me puking pastilles?" Michael asked me.

"No why?" I asked.

Momentarily I forgot about the ones that I had found in my trunk. I was thinking too much about the wedding at the moment.

"Because I have puking pastilles in my bag. I know they weren't there before. I don't exactly carry them on me, and I most certainly didn't have twelve of them," he replied. "I usually just buy six of each. So someone gave them to me. I already asked Jared and Stan because I know sometimes they buy them, and it wasn't them. You're the only other person I can think of that would buy them. Unless it was Anne, Jess or Erica but I doubt even they would use them this year. Anne only used them sometimes."

"Well you should test those before you eat them then," Ben said. "I don't want to think that someone would try to poison you, but it seems odd that someone slipped them in your bag."

"A bit paranoid aren't you?" I asked. "The war is over now."

Why would someone want to poison Michael of all people? I highly doubted someone would go that far.

"People are trying to start things up again," he said to me. "You know that there have been odd groups in Hogsmeade in Diagon Alley. Some of their kids go here."

This was true enough. Mum had warned me about it in case I'd wanted to go to Diagon Alley, or when I went to Hogsmeade. I didn't think those people would do anything though. They were probably just talking about old times. It had been almost five years since You-Know-Who had disappeared. They had hid for a while because people knew what kind of people they were. Now they were going out again like they had before. I imagined they just wanted to meet up. No one would start anything again, especially so soon after the way. The Aurors were still watching them after all.

"Like Don Zent and Xavier Opress?" Michael asked. "They seem like all talk. They're cowards."

"Which is why they would slip something in your bag," Ben said. "I could be completely wrong but I just think you should test those. You might have a very good friend or someone who is trying to mess with you."

I still had my doubts, and as I thought about it, I remembered when I'd see Ashley putting something in his bag.

"Well I did see-" I began but then I stopped.

That meant she was definitely the one who had put the Puking Pustilles in my trunk too. I'd put it out of mind up until that moment. It seemed really odd that she would not only put them in my trunk, but in Michael's bag as well. Had she wanted to skive classes that year? She'd given us a lot too. I would need to talk to her first before I told them the truth, especially Ben. He would be furious with her if he knew. For some reason this time I felt the need to protect her. As much as I wished something would happen to break them up, I couldn't reveal this to him. I could have been wrong after all.

"You saw what?" Michael asked when I paused.

"I think there is a chance I might know who did it, but I could be wrong. It would be unlike that person to put them in there. The person I am thinking of doesn't typically buy them," I said. I figured that was enough information for them. It didn't reveal her, but they would also realize that the person wasn't suspicious either.

"Who is it then?" Ben asked.

"I don't want to say unless I am wrong," I answered. "I'll talk to the person about it first. If it turns out it was them, I will tell you."

"Is this person a suspicious person?" Michael asked and I shook my head.

"No, the person definitely isn't suspicious at all. It would be just strange if it was them who did it," I answered. "It's why I want to find out for sure. If it was them, the candies won't have been tampered with but I just find it odd that they had it."

"Why is it such a big secret then?" Ben asked me.

"Because it is," I said. If only he knew. It would be a big deal to him. "Look, I'll find out what I need to find out okay?"

"Sure," Michael replied and he shrugged. "I'd just like to find out where they came from. It's not a big deal if they weren't tampered with. I just find it strange to find twelve puking pastilles. Maybe it was even Derek and Rory. They've forgiven me for last year."

"Well give them here so I can test them for you," Ben said to Michael, "I know the spell."

Michael reached into his bag and pulled out a dozen of them. He put them in front of Ben who began muttering under his breath while he waved his wand over them. I watched with admiration. I wished I knew spells like that. How did he even know? It wasn't something we were taught yet.

"Well they seem safe," he finally said. "I guess you just have a good friend. Ashley might know some charms, but I don't think they'll tell you any differently."

"I don't want to bother her with this," Michael said. "I think she's stressed. She looks like she's lost a lot of weight recently again. Have you noticed anything Ben?"

"Yes, Ellen and I were talking about that the other day," he said and he glanced at me.

I knew he was hoping that I'd found something out, but her and me hadn't had the chance to talk in private. We always had people around when we hung out, which wasn't often lately.

"I haven't had the chance to ask her yet. We haven't been alone long enough to talk about it," I told him.

"Speaking of which, where is she?" Michael asked Ben who shrugged.

"I thought she was off with Ellen," he said and he looked at me again, but I had been outside practicing for Quidditch.

"No, I was training for Quidditch," I told him. "I figured she'd be with the two of you."

"She disappears a lot when you two are off at Quidditch practice," Michael said. "I wonder what's going on with her now? You two are close and you don't know Ben?"

"No," he said, "but I have so much I need to do and I don't like to pry. She isn't fighting with any of us, so it can't be like second year. She seems happy except when we're doing school work but none of us are happy with our work load. So I can't really think of what is going on. I know sometimes she likes to try and spend time with Alana, but Alana is in the common room right now."

We all glanced over to where the second years were sitting. Back when we'd been second years, I'd wanted to be older. Now I wanted to be a second year again. They were playing exploding snap and laughing. I'd give anything to have those days back. The stresses we'd had back then were nothing compared to now. I wanted to tell them to enjoy it while they could.

I noticed Ben looking around the common room now, as if to see if she was sitting with someone else. The other Hufflepuff fifth years were sitting together, but she wasn't apart of them.

"I'm sure she's fine where ever she is," I assured him. "She could be in the library for all we know. You usually don't worry about her when she takes off."

"Normally she isn't losing a lot of weight," Ben replied. "The last time she lost a lot of weight was when we were in second year, and we know the reason behind that."

"Ben you need to be careful about smothering her," Michael said. "I'm sure she is fine. I know you love her, but sometimes you can be over protective."

This was true enough. It was another reason for why I didn't think they'd last. Ashley liked her independence. Ben at times could smother her, and I couldn't see her tolerating it for long. It would be something that would even annoy me, and I liked it when boys were protective of me. However, he could go overboard.

"I know," he said and sighed.

I could see the worry in his eyes, and I reached across the table to put a hand over his.

"Ben, I will talk to her the moment we have privacy," I promised.

"Thanks," he muttered and then pulled his hand away quickly as if he was worried he'd get germs from me or something.

Boys tried to get with me still after that even though I rejected them. For the time being, I would just shag Sam when I could. I didn't want anyone else. Even when I got with I felt guilty. I would think of Keith and I would almost turn him away. However, the resemblance to Ben was too strong, so I kept it going. I knew his mates were disappointed, but I didn't care. I should never have gone that far.

I was just worried that word had gotten out. Sam reassured me that it didn't, and only people who shagged casually knew, but it still bothered me.

"Anyone who knows you wouldn't judge you," he told me.

"Really? Because I would judge them," I said. "Girls are judged harshly about that kind of thing."

"And I think that's stupid. You weren't hurting anyone. I'm glad you still want me," he said.

"One friends with benefits is enough, except maybe Zachary," I told him.

I was sure he knew it was because I wanted his cousin still. As long as Ashley was with Ben, I would go to Sam. One of these days they were going to figure it out. Perhaps even the information I could get from Ashley would help with that. It wasn't until close to the end of the month when I was finally able to get her alone. We were in the dormitory one morning and no one else was around. I figured it was now or never. So I decided to bring up the weight loss first before I asked about the Snack boxes.

"Are you losing weight?" I asked her.

"I don't think so." She answered and she sounded anxious to me. As if she were lying or trying to hide something. "Why?"

"Because you look like you've lost a lot of weight," I said and I wondered if I should mention that Ben and Michael had noticed as well.

"Maybe it's just stress from the OWLs," she answered.

"If that's the case, maybe you should consider about what classes you take next year," I told her. If she was losing weight like this, it should be a sign for her to relax a bit.

"I'll be okay Ellen," she replied without much emotion.

"Ashley, I'm just worried about you. I know you want to prove yourself in classes. I understand with your learning disability and the fact you're muggle born but sometimes…" I said and I was about to bring up how she wanted to please Ben too, but I decided not to."I just don't want you to get overly stressed that you get sick or something. It looks like you've lost a lot of weight since the Christmas holidays."

"I'll be honest with you then as long as you don't say anything to Ben," she said and then continued. "I know I gained ten pounds from last summer, so I've just been cutting back on my meals. I also jog the corridors whenever you and Ben have your Quidditch practices. I just wanted to lose those ten pounds I gained. I don't want to end up overweight like my family."

And then it hit me. She hadn't bought the snack boxes to maybe skive off classes. She had bought them to lose weight. She had been using them to make herself throw up! I felt cold when I realized this. Why would she do something so stupid? That could kill her. I knew all about eating disorders and this could kill her. All because she'd gained ten pounds? Chances are she was scared that Ben wouldn't be attracted to her anymore if she did gain weight. So she had gone to desperate measure to prevent that. There were so many other ways she could keep the weight off, and she'd done something so dangerous and stupid.

I understood wanting to keep the weight off. Her sister was overweight, and her mother was slowly getting there, but she could do it in a healthy way. She'd been thin before the holidays however, and if she'd gained ten pounds, she probably needed to anyway. She'd grown another inch or so. We were teenagers and we were hormonal. Our weight was going to fluctuate. I just wished I'd gain some. She was almost getting as thin as me, and she was taller. I believed it had to be more than ten pounds she'd lost too. I'd say closer to twenty.

"Okay I understand that, but you've lost more than ten pounds, and you weren't even fat to begin with. Ashley," I told her, "we get a lot of exercise as it is with walking to and from classes. I don't think you should be cutting back on food so much. I don't see anything wrong with jogging; maybe I'll even join you. It can help me keep fit for Quidditch, but you don't want to restrict too much food. Just eat the healthy foods and exercise."

"Well I could use company when I do it," she said. "Sometimes people give me odd looks. But you don't need to lose weight."

I really hoped she wasn't going to lecture me about my own weight, especially considering what I suspected she'd done. Why else she would she have those? She must have changed her mind, but she had probably tried it at least.

"I said keep fit, not lose weight," I told her to nip the lecture in the bud. "Professional Quidditch players have to work out as well when they play. I could always start early. You don't have to be fat to jog. When it gets warmer out, we can run around the lake. Just promise me you're not doing anything drastic."

"Of course not," she answered but she sounded very defensive. That told me she had tried it.

"Because I didn't say anything before, but now that I think about it; I saw you slip a bunch of puking snack boxes in Michael's bag. I didn't tell him it was you, but he did wonder where they came from. Please tell me you weren't throwing up food," I begged.

"I considered it, but I couldn't it," she replied. "I promise I didn't. I looked it up on the internet, and I saw what that could lead to. It's just I felt self-conscious because Ben told me I felt heavy, and I was worried because I'd gained ten pounds in three months."

Of course it had to be for Ben. He would be so upset to know that too. He likely had made a joke, and she'd taken it seriously. She wanted to please him so much, because as I wanted to ignore it, she did love him. She would do anything for him. That meant she would go as far as losing weight, or taking on too many classes.

It worried me. That told me that he wasn't the one for her, and it wasn't just because of my feelings. It was because no girl should have to go to those kind of lengths to make a boy happy. Even with someone like her who was a people pleaser. The two of them didn't communicate well. He was afraid of angering her and she wanted to do nothing buy make him happy.

Of course those two things weren't always bad things, but it could go too far, and that's what was happening with them. They should have been able to communicate freely. I no longer believed that girls shouldn't tell boys their insecurities. I'd been naive back then. This was something Ben should know, but I wouldn't even have to ask her to know she wouldn't want him to know. I knew she was going to make me promise not to say anything, and foolishly I was going to do it for her. I knew that would make him angry with me and I could jeopardize my chances with him as well. However, I was starting to notice I'd do anything for her. I'd let her date the boy I loved after all.

Even with all the angry and bitter thoughts I could have about her, I knew I loved her. She was my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without her. It didn't matter what happened with Ben. I needed her in my life.

So I said:

"That's why I worry about you." And I figured she should hear the truth. Sometimes some people needed tough love. "No offense, but sometimes you can do some stupid drastic things when you're worried. I'm not trying to judge, but look what happened with Jared! You know we're teenagers, and so our bodies are changing right? Just because you gained ten pounds, it doesn't mean you're getting fat."

I knew it was wrong to bring up Jared considering my sexual past, but she'd shagged him just because she thought she'd never find a boyfriend again. I knew my reasons weren't any better, and I did do stupid things, but she'd been fifteen when she thought she'd never find someone. What she had done was drastic. Casual sex was one thing, but doing it for the reason she had was another.

"My clothes were starting to feel tight," she replied and she didn't sound offended. She knew I was right. "I just have to be careful with eating now, and I need to exercise more. I promise I'm not going to do anything dumb. I considered it, but I changed my mind."

"Don't think I am judging, because I am not," I continued because in reality I couldn't judge her. I'd done worse after all. I just worried about her. "I've done stupid things too when I feel worried or desperate, I just don't want to see you do anything dangerous, and that certainly is."

"I gave you some as well," she admitted. "I slipped them in your trunk."

I nodded already knowing this. "I thought I noticed extra ones. Is that all that's been bothering you?"

If there was anything else stressing her out, I wanted to know. We could just tell Ben that she was stressed from school, and perhaps she could even tell him about her jogs. He wouldn't have to worry anymore.

"Other than my mum not letting me go to Barry's wedding? Yes. Well, unless you count exams," she answered glumly. "I don't see why she won't let me take one weekend off to go to the wedding."

"My mum won't let me either," I said even though she already knew this, but she didn't know about dad. "I tried going to dad about it, and I hoped he would say yes. They found out what I was doing. I'm grounded for the Easter holidays."

"Really?" Ashley asked. I almost expected her to lecture me. She could be like Ben sometimes when it came to that. However, she seemed to agree with me because she said: "They're overreacting."

"I know," I said glad that she wasn't going to get all Ben like. "I don't see why our parents won't let us go."

"Mum said I needed to put all my concentration into my OWLs. She knows how important these exams are. I feel like she is even stricter about my exams ever since Jaime started having trouble with going to school. I think mum wants to see me finish school with good grades," Ashley answered but I already knew this anyway. She'd told me. I didn't know it was because of Jaime though. I just thought it was because her mother wanted her to succeed.

"Doesn't she have to do exams like that?" I asked. "What are they called GCSE exams?"

It had been a while since Primary school, but even then they'd told us about our important examinations. I hadn't paid much attention, but I was sure the GCSE exams were similar to OWLs.

"She tried, but she didn't do well on them, it's why she dropped out," Ashley told me. "She tried going back, but she can't do it. She's smart, but she just hates school. A friend of hers is inviting her to move in with her, and they're going to work together in some family restaurant. Jaime seems happy with those plans, but mum isn't. So needless to say, she wants me to be successful here considering it's not a normal school. You remember what she was like in my first year! She doesn't see a wedding as a good enough excuse for me to miss classes."

"Mum said the same," I replied. "It's on a Friday; it's one day of courses. It's not as if I haven't missed classes from the snack boxes and those times I skipped our last term. I guess that's why, though. She saw my marks from the first term. Don't tell Ben that, though. I don't want him on my case. It's none of his business, and I don't feel like a lecture."

"It's up to you to tell him," she said indifferently.

"I won't mention the snack boxes to Ben," I told her. "But we should mention the jogging to him. I'll start jogging with you so I can train. He'll figure out that's why you've lost weight."

"If he has noticed," she said.

"He probably has, but he is your boyfriend. Boys don't like saying things like that to girls," I told her. "At least if he is wondering about it, he won't anymore."

I just had to figure out what to tell Michael. Perhaps I would just say it wasn't the person I'd thought it was, and that he probably just had a good friend. Ben had determined they were safe, and Michael had already tried one. So I figured by this point it didn't matter. I almost considered telling him without telling Ben. He'd kept promises for me so far, he would keep this one too.

Ben did eventually mention something to her. Ashley hadn't wanted Ben to know that the reason she was doing it was because of his comment. However, I figured it must have bothered her so much because she ended up mentioning it on her own. I didn't have to say a word. I wished she hadn't because he ended up taking it out on my later on.

We were in the common room and talking about our jogs when he brought it up.

"That explains why you've lost weight, though," Ben said to her. "I've noticed you've been getting thinner. I was getting worried."

"Well at least I am not too heavy if I sit on you," she said with irritation and my head snapped up to look at her. I couldn't help but smirk at this. Maybe this would lead to a fight between them.

"I don't think that would ever be the case," Ben answered absentmindedly as he read a letter Barry had sent him.

"You said I was getting heavy on the train," She said. "Remember?"

"I was joking, I wasn't serious. I've always found you to be quite light. Wait, that's not why you're doing this? I don't think you're too heavy," he said with a frown.

I glanced down at my essay. I shouldn't have been smiling, but I couldn't help it. She was the one who brought it up after all, not me. It was kind of funny. Maybe Ben would realize that she wasn't the one for him and he would turn to me.

"No of course not," she lied.

"Don't lie," Ben said. "You took what I said seriously, and you've been losing weight since."

Michael let out a small whistle. "I think I am going to see what Sarah is doing."

He got up and walked off. I glanced over at Ashley. She was eying me. I doubted she knew what I was thinking, but I thought I saw a look of annoyance on her face. She brought this on herself. For once, she couldn't blame me.

"Okay fine, I did take offense to it at first, but now I like it," she told him.

"You should have said something," Ben said. "I don't want you feeling insecure like that."

"Look you've seen my sister, and you've even seen that my mother has gained weight," she answered. "I don't want to gain weight."

"That's fine," Ben replied. "But you are doing this because of what I said. I didn't mean to make you feel you should have to lose weight. You didn't, and you don't."

"Ben, it's fine. I shouldn't have overreacted to it," she said.

"Sure," Ben said. He didn't say anything else about it. Not to her anyway.

Things were awkward between them, and it made me very happy. This could be the situation that would lead to their break up. Unfortunately, my happiness didn't last for long. When we went down to our Quidditch practice later on, he turned on me angrily.

"You could have warned me!" He said to me furiously. "You knew exactly why she was losing weight. You promised me that you would find out for me."

"Ben she asked me not to tell you," I told him trying to stay calm, but now I was angry with her. She had made me promise not to tell him, and yet she had to bring it up. She should have known that when I agreed to jog with her that Ben would guess I knew. However, I decided to try and defend her even though I was pissed. "I don't think she even planned to tell you, but she was in a bad mood that day. I think it slipped out. She was worried you'd be upset that you were the cause to her weight loss, so she wanted to keep it secret. We were just planning to tell you that the weight loss came from the jogging. She knows she overreacted to your comment and she feels bad."

"And you seemed to enjoy every moment of it. I saw you smirking about our fight!" He said still angry.

He was right about that, I had been happy about it, but I didn't want him angry with me. I was angry with Ashley, but I took it out on him instead. It's all I really could do. I figured I'd have a word later with her.

"You weren't fighting and I wouldn't find it funny that you were anyway. I thought it was funny that Ashley made a big deal out of not telling you, and then she did because she was moody," I lied. "Thanks for thinking that about me though."

I walked off and left him behind. I expected him to chase after me apologizing, but he didn't. If it had been Ashley, he'd be chasing.

"Ellen, did I offend you by telling you that you gained weight?" Michael asked me shortly after this.

"Huh?" I asked as I looked up from a Muggle Studies assignment with confusion.

"It's just that I noticed you started jogging after I'd mentioned it," Michael said. "After what happened with Ben and Ashley, I just wanted to make sure that I hadn't."

I stared at him trying to figure out what he was talking about. Then I remembered. A day or so before I got it out of Ashley, he'd told me I looked as if I gained weight. I'd taken this as a compliment because I was so tired of people telling me I was too thin. I'd told him I knew I was getting fat, but I was joking. He'd replied that he didn't mean I was fat. I could understand the confusion. Given what had just happened, I understood why he was worried.

"No," I answered, "I'm serious you didn't. I know I am far from fat. I still need to gain some."

"Are you sure? I just find it odd that you started jogging right after I said that," he said. "I was talking to Ben the other night about it. He's worried about him and Ashley at the moment. He said that Ashley was never one to be insecure about her weight, and I said the same about you. I knew you wanted to gain weight."

"Michael, you did not offend me," I told him. "I don't think I am fat. I am being serious that I am doing it for Quidditch and to keep Ashley company. I'm not as sensitive as she is about these things. Although, even she agrees that she overreacted to it. She was just worried about being unattractive to him."

"She told me the same thing," he said. "I just had to double check, Ellen. The last thing I want is for you to think you're fat. Hopefully things work out between them."

"Well maybe it's just a sign they aren't meant to be," I told him. "They have such communication issues."

"I wouldn't go that far Ellen," Michael said. "You're not hoping that this is going to break them up are you? I know you still have feelings for him, and looked quite happy when they were fighting."

"Ben is going to realize it's him and me that are meant to be together," I said. "I just think they need to date to get it out of their system. I think this fight is the lead up to their break up. Like I said, they have communication issues. They're both scared to speak up and they both want to please each other."

"Ben loves her and she loves him," Michael said. "I agree about the communication thing, but it's something you learn in a relationship. They've only been together for about six months. They're still quite new with it. Anne and me weren't the perfect couple obviously, but it took us a long time to learn to communicate. I think they can make it work. This is something they'll learn from and their relationship will get stronger from it. Ellen, you need to move on from him."

"I wish people would stop telling me that," I said.

"They tell you that because it's the truth. It's the same with me. You know I'm still in love with you, and I am still in love with Anne," Michael said. "But you will never date me and she will never take me back. Ben will never date you. It's something we both have to accept."

"Why do you still love me?" I asked him.

I wasn't trying to mean, I just needed to know why. Maybe he was right that I was being delusional. He understood after all. It was something that rarely came up, but almost everyone knew his feelings for me. Even Sarah knew. Him and me rarely talked about it, and most of the time I pretended I didn't know about it. I pretended around Ben and Ashley that I didn't know for sure. Neither Michael or me had admitted to the others that we'd talked about this, but they didn't need to know anyway. It was between him and me.

"Well why not?" He asked.

"I just need to know," I said. "I'm not judging and I am not upset. I am not even uncomfortable about it like I was in second year. I've learned to accept it, and I can you trying to move on. So I just want to know. I mean, you were with Anne for so long, and you seem happy with Sarah."

"It's hard to explain Ellen. It's the same when it comes to Jared with Ashley. He is in love with her you know," Michael said.

"I know. He tries not to admit to it, but he has admitted to it," I said. "Sometimes I don't even think he realizes it when he admits it."

"I think it's just one of those things. You meet someone, you end up really liking them and you don't get over it," Michael said. "In reality, we probably are over it, but we just don't realize it because we haven't met the one, so we fall back onto the ones we think we love."

"And you're not in love with Sarah?" I asked.

"No. She's a terrific girl, but I can't imagine marrying her. Ben says that is how you know. He said if you can imagine putting a ring on the girls finger, than you know. I can't imagine putting a ring on her finger."

When he said this, I had to know. Could Ben see himself putting a ring on Ashley's finger then? Usually boys didn't think about marriage, especially at sixteen. When I asked he nodded and this made me feel really sad, but I ignored this. I wasn't going to get depressed about it. He was sixteen after all. He couldn't know that, he just thought he did.

Instead I asked:

"So can you see yourself putting a ring on my finger?"

"No," he answered. "It's something I've never thought about. I figured it was just because of my age though. I can't think past shagging... I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. It's the truth."

"It's something I assumed," I answered. "We're hormonal teenagers. Of course we've all thought of that."

It was obvious that he wanted to shag me. At times I still wondered if I should throw him a bone, but I was worried about leading him on. Besides, I didn't want anyone besides Sam at the moment. I didn't want to do what I was did at the beginning of the school term again.

"And Ben says that means I probably don't really love you," Michael continued on. "He is probably right. Can you truly see yourself marrying Ben?"

"I've always imagined it," I admitted it and I told him some of my fantasies. If I could see myself marrying him, then I must love him.

"I don't think that's love," Michael said after a while. "It sounds like you've had some kind of fairy tale dream or something. Is it really Ben that you want to marry, or is it because you want some rich bloke? To me, it sounds like you want some handsome rich boy. If Ben lost all that money and his looks tomorrow, could you still see yourself marrying him?"

I didn't like where he was going with this. He was implying that I was a gold digger. But when I really thought about it, the money was one of the reasons I was drawn to him. Was I actually a gold digger? I couldn't be. The thing was, I wouldn't want to marry him if he wasn't attractive, and most certainly not if he lost the money. However, that was something all girls would think. Even Ashley... but even as I tried to think that she would dump him, I knew she wouldn't. She was uncomfortable about the money, and often she thought she didn't deserve him because of his looks. She thought he could do better.

I wanted to tell myself that I'd marry him regardless, but I couldn't. I didn't even know if I could marry with how uptight he could be. I couldn't imagine that wedding day. All I could imagine was having the money and being like Mrs. Hoofer.

"I don't know," I finally said. "But I am not that shallow Michael. I don't choose boys just on money or anything like that. I liked Devon even though his family doesn't have money. It's not the reason I don't want you. You are ambitious enough that you'll probably have a lot of money someday."

"I'm not saying you're like that with all blokes," Michael replied. "I just think it's the appeal when it comes to Ben. If it was any other boy, I wouldn't think so. With him, it's the same with most girls except Ashley. I think it's one of the reasons he chose her. He knew she didn't care about the trust fund, but whether you realize it or not, you've always talked about it. I once heard you mention what you'd do once he got the trust fund and you two were married. I've always known about your fantasies. Hell, you've already decided on how you'd change the Hoofer house and two wouldn't even live there. Ben is planning to build a house."

All of what he said was true. I did think about that trust fund a lot. I just didn't want to believe that I was that shallow.

"I also think it's because you hate losing to Ashley," Michael continued. "You hate the fact that you lost to a less attractive girl. I don't think it's the fact that Ben rejected you, I think it's the fact that he chose her over you."

"But I hated his other girlfriends too," I said.

Michael shrugged. "Say or think what you want. I just honestly don't think you love him. You just think you do. Regardless Ellen, you shouldn't wish for them to break up. Even if it turns out that they aren't right for each other, you still shouldn't. They are your best friends after all. You were the one who set them up."

I sighed knowing that part was right. I shouldn't have been wishing for them to break up. I had told them to get together. I'd wanted to be a good friend, and I'd even promised them after that day in Hogsmeade that I would leave them be.

"No offense Michael, but since when are you the mature and knowledgeable one?" I couldn't help but ask. He'd changed a lot just since the end of fourth year.

"It had to happen at some point," he said with a smile. "Normally I'm the one everyone is pissed at or the one who is causing problems. I had my wake up call last year though. I still feel guilty about pressuring the first years. Rory and Derek look up to me so much now too. I lost so much after one night, and I was afraid I would lose the three of you as well."

"And now you seem more mature than fifteen," I said. "I don't know if you're right or wrong about my feelings when it comes to Ben. I do know I still get that jealousy when I see them together though."

"I just think someday you'll meet the one, and you'll forget all about Ben," Michael said. "And hopefully I will too."

"I hope you're right," I said sadly.

We couldn't say too much more because Ben and Ashley joined us moments later. Could Michael really be right about me? It was something I would really have to think about. If he was right, didn't that mean I was a horrible person? What kind of girl wanted a boy just for his looks and money?

I sighed. Things were so much more complicated than I'd realized. I wanted to go back to the first year. Back then I hadn't had boys on my mind all the time. Back then I didn't have a years worth of homework in a week. The things I stressed about back then were nothing compared to now. I wanted to go back to that first year girl and start all over again. I wanted to make up for the mistakes I'd made, and the people I'd hurt. I didn't like the girl I was, and I wondered if there was still a chance I could change.


	11. Rest of Fifth year

Rest of fifth year.

The date for the wedding approached, and both Ashley and me were moody about this. It would be so nice to for a night out. We both knew for sure that they would be drinking. There was always a big party after a wedding. I would give anything to be able to go too. I didn't understand why we could go at least after classes. We'd miss the wedding, but we could be there at least for the reception.

We had Hogsmeade to look forward to because it was a Valentine's Day visit, but I didn't even have a date. It was the first time since we'd started going that I didn't have a boy to go with. Sam wouldn't go with me because our relationship was just shagging, and he wanted to keep it secret from Ben for the time being. No other boy had asked me. Enough of them wanted to shag me, even though I'd turned them down since my talk with Keith, but none wanted to go on dates with me. I didn't know if it was because they knew how I felt about Ben or because of the shagging. I didn't like it though. I didn't like that I seemed to be undesirable.

"Looks like you'll be my date to Hogsmeade," Ashley said moodily to me a couple of day before Ben and Michael would leave.

"Sounds good to me," I responded, although it really didn't.

It wasn't anything against her. I liked the idea of spending some one on one time with her. It was the fact that it was the Valentine's Day weekend, and I would be going with my best friend instead of a date. If the weekend had been for another date, I wouldn't have minded a day with her. We'd never spent time alone in Hogsmeade before. So when I thought about it, I realized that it could be fun, even if I did want a romantic day instead.

"I just can't believe my parents!" I said angrily. "It's just one school day, just one!"

"It really is ridiculous," Ben said with a frown. "My parents did try as well. They wrote both your parents but neither would budge on their decision."

"I can't wait until I've seventeen," Ashley said. "I'll finally be able to make my own decisions."

She was lucky when it came to that. Next year she'd be seventeen and she could make those decisions. I still had to wait a long time. I wasn't even sixteen yet. Ben and Ashley were going to be seventeen soon enough. They would be able to make their own decisions whenever they wanted. They wouldn't have to sneak around or go behind their parents back. When I thought about this, it put me in mind of first year. Ashley had tricked her mother into signing a form so she could get contacts instead of glasses.

"Did your mum ever find out about the contacts?" I asked her.

"No," she answered. "She doesn't need to know either."

"I still think that was rather selfish of you," Ben said to her.

I'd forgotten that it had caused a disagreement between Ashley and Ben all those years ago. He'd found it very selfish since her mother was a single mother. She thought was signing something else. It was something I would have done in Ashley's shoes. I wondered if this would cause a fight between them.

"That's your opinion," she said to Ben. "I'm not going over my reasons with you again, so let's just leave it."

Ashley glared at me, and I had to wonder if she thought I'd done it on purpose. I couldn't blame her for thinking that. I had a feeling that she knew at times I made comments that could instigate things between them. I remembered Ben getting upset with me for smirking during their fight as well. This time was completely innocent however. I was trying my best not to be that way around them. I remembered what Michael had said and I didn't want to be that person, even if I still wanted him.

Ben didn't seem to want to argue with her. I noticed lately they were trying not to fight, and I imagined it was because things were still awkward between them since the weight situation. Neither wanted to make things more tense. Ben just shrugged and then glanced over at Michael who looked back at him. I wondered if this was something they'd talked about before.

"Maybe you two could keep Sarah company," Michael said as if to change the subject.

"Melanie will be hanging out with her," Ashley answered.

"This is ridiculous," Michael said. "I really wish things could be resolved with Melanie. Sarah and I get along so well, but because of this feud with Melanie, she can never hang out with us."

"Sarah can hang out with us all she wants, just keep Melanie away," I told him.

"But she's her best friend," Michael said.

He got up angrily and walked off. Usually we thought he went overboard when he walked off, but this time I understood. It was hard dating someone when you didn't get along with their friends. I think Ashley and Ben understood this too. Sure enough, Ashley had to bring up that we should try and get along better with Melanie, which both Ben and me quickly told her it was nonsense. I couldn't believe she'd even suggest it after what Melanie had done to her in second year. It wasn't just that, but she had turned into the Hufflepuff rat. She'd told on my so many times for being late outside curfew. I didn't want to be her friend.

"Are you nuts?" Ben asked her when she brought up the fact that we should try and make an effort with Melanie. "Don't you remember what she did in our second year?"

"And that she is constantly ratting everyone out?" I reminded her. "I'm not going to be her friend."

"I'm not saying we should be her friend," Ashley said. "But we should try and make an effort to talk to her for Michael's sake."

"No," Ben said firmly. "Sarah is welcome to hang out with us at any time, but I am not making an effort with Melanie."

"Neither am I, and you shouldn't either," I told her. "Look what happened the last time you tried to be friends with her. She sabotaged your relationship with Denver. Think about what she'll try to do now that you're with Ben."

I was honestly surprised she hadn't tried. I felt guilt when I thought about the fact that I kind of had.

"Well she won't be able to break us up," Ben said and as usual, it hurt. It should have been getting easier, but it really wasn't. As bad it sounded, I'd felt relief when things seemed awkward with them. When he said things like that, I knew that they were going to talk about it, and they would move on. "but I agree with Ellen. She's just going to try and cause drama for us. I know you mean well, Ash, but I think you of all people should stay away from her."

"Fine, but I just wish things were different," Ashley said. "It's a shame for Michael and even Sarah. Because of Melanie, she hasn't been able to hang out with the rest of the Hufflepuff's."

"But that's Sarah's choice," Ben said. "She's a nice enough girl, she could make friends with anyone, but she's chosen to stay friends with Melanie. You can say she's loyal all you want, but it's still her choice to hang out with someone who would probably backstab her in a second."

"Which she has," I said. "She's been trying to break up Sarah and Michael since they got together."

I knew this was kind of contradictory, but other than trying to crash their date, I hadn't done much but make some comments. At times I would stare at Ben and hope that he look at me and realize that he wanted me instead of her (right now he just glared when he noticed) but I hadn't tried to sabotage them.

Melanie had actually tried to sabotage Michael and Sarah. She'd left a note from 'Anne' with his homework. It said that she'd enjoyed their night together, and she wanted another one soon. Both Sarah and Michael knew right away this was a lie. Anne was very happy with Joey so she wouldn't cheat, but Sarah recognized the hand-writing too. Not only that, but Sarah had asked Anne about it too who flat out denied it.

"Exactly," Ben said. "Michael knew that would happen when he started dating her."

I sighed and then looked down at the Transfiguration assignment I had been working on. I'd been distracted before because of the wedding, but now I had even more on my mind. I slammed dow my quill and yelled: "Forget it! "I can't concentrate on this right now. I guess since we're stuck here this weekend, I'll do it then."

This had caused Ashley and Ben to both look at me with shock. I got up quickly. I needed to get away from them as well as the assignment. I could see Ben giving Ashley soft looks, and I believed he wanted to make things up with her officially before he and Michael left. I didn't want to stay there and witness it. It was still awhile before curfew, so I decided to go for a walk around the corridors for a bit to clear my mind.

When I left, I ran into Keith who was about to enter.

"What's wrong?" He asked and I wondered if I looked sad or something.

"I just need a distraction from the homework and Ashley and Ben," I told him. "I'm just going for a walk."

"Well I'll join you," Keith said. "If you don't mind anyway."

"No I don't mind," I answered quickly. I was starting to notice that I always welcomed his company when I actually didn't want any. I didn't know what it was about him, but I liked it when he was there. If it had been anyone else, even Ben or Sam, I wouldn't have wanted them there.

"So we're they making out in the common room or something?" Keith asked.

I didn't take the way to the Entrance Hall, but towards the kitchens instead. I wasn't going to them, but there were some secret passages this way that would take you elsewhere in the school. Going this way, it would keep us away from other people who could be wandering the corridors. At least no one could overhear us. At times I worried people would hear my complaining and tell Ashley and Ben. I shook my head and explained to him about the entire weight loss situation. He wouldn't tell anyone.

"And you've been hoping that this would break them up?" Keith asked. "Ellen, there are so many other blokes for you. I understand feeling hurt when you see the person you think you're in love with together with someone else, but things are going to go wrong for you again if you keep this up. You're not in love with Ben. You just think you are."

"Michael said the same thing," I said. "I worry that he right too, and if he is, it means I am very shallow."

"Why?" Keith asked.

So I told him our entire conversation. It was something I'd been thinking about a lot. I didn't want to be the type of girl who only went for boys when it came to their money. I'd never thought I was that type, but what if Michael was right. I couldn't imagine myself marrying Ben. I couldn't imagine us having kids or any of that other stuff together. The only thing I thought about was being a Professional Quidditch player and then retiring with his money and mine. He'd still work, but I wouldn't. I told all this to Keith who was frowning. I didn't like that look. Did he agree with Michael? Was I that shallow?

"I don't think it's that you're shallow Ellen," Keith finally said.

"Keith, if I am after Ben's money, that is the very definition of shallow," I told him. "You seem to want to boost my self-esteem lately, but how can you justify this?"

"Because I think you fell in love with a fantasy that you created when you were eleven-years-old," Keith said. "I know a lot about children. I've had a similar life to Ashley where I've been baby-sitting from a young age. I volunteered to help out in the younger classes in Primary school. Little girls often have that story fed to them that they'll meet their prince and live happily ever after. Many little girls have that fantasy of how their life will turn out. You met Ben when you were still young with fantasies, and I think at eleven/twelve you saw him as that rich prince. That was long before you understood love. You lusted after him, and you had that dream, and you just never let it go. I imagine as a young girl you were the same as most girls."

"You're right about that," I said. "Mum read me those stories and she even made up stories about a little girl named Ellen. When we had to go into hiding, it was what got me through it. I had these fantasies that someday we'd get out of it and I'd be grown up, rich and we'd have maids for the kids and everything. Mum sometimes talked about getting a house-elf when Timmy and me were really little, but dad always said no. So she would mention at least having a weekly maid or something and he didn't mind that. He just didn't want a magical creature in the house. So that's where it came from. I even wrote stories about it."

"And then you came out of hiding and met Ben," Keith said.

"But I didn't realize my feelings for him or my fantasies until later on," I said. "I was probably twelve or so."

"It's still quite young Ellen," Keith said. "I just think, and so do many people, that you're in love with the idea of Ben and not him."

"Maybe you're right, but I just don't know," I said. "I've done such horrible things Keith. I think I am just terrible and shallow."

"I don't think so," Keith said.

"You just want to believe the best in me," I said. "You don't even know everything."

And I found myself telling him everything. As we wandered around endlessly, I told him things from first year, to fifth year and everything I did in the summers. I didn't leave anything out. By the time I was done, he was going to know more than anyone. I was telling him more than I'd even told Zachary, and he knew quite a bit about my life. Michael knew enough too, but I was telling Keith all the nitty gritty details. I had a feeling that he would never want to talk to me again by the end of it all.

"And now you know everything," I finally said. I didn't know how long I'd talked, but we'd walked the same corridors more than once. I think we both knew it was safe since we hadn't seen anyone. Neither of us wanted to be disturbed. "And that's why I am a horrible person, especially when it comes to Stan."

"You're not horrible," Keith said. "You've made some stupid mistakes, but you are not horrible."

"How can you say that?" I asked. "How can you not be judging me at the moment? Most people would."

"Then most people don't know you," Keith said.

"Ben and Ashley would judge me and them and Michael are the only other people who know me so well... well other than you now," I said.

"I honestly don't think they would, but this isn't about them," Keith said. "From everything you've told me, any time you've done something terrible it's because of something that happened in your life."

"And you think that makes it right?" I asked him.

"Maybe not, but I just think you've had a hard life Ellen. You went through a war at a young age, you had to go into hiding, your parents divorced, now your father ignores you and you lost the boy that you think you love. I am not saying that it makes anything right, but it seems to be how you react to situations. I don't think that you would do this if you had a life like your friends do. Michael turns into a prat too, but he's improved," Keith explained. "You can as well. Some people react to situations differently and you have so much repressed anger. You know, you could use your love for Quidditch for channeling that."

"You seem like a mind healer," I said, and then added: "A therapist in the muggle world."

"I just observe people a lot. You'll notice I don't always talk when all of our mates get together. It's because I observe people. I watch how people interact. I always have. I've just learned a few things. I figured all that out about Michael and it helped me to stop hating him so much. Once I understood him, I couldn't anymore and I hated him for the first few years that we were here. I used to hate Jared too but I figured him out. I've known you before I knew any of what you just told me, and I get it. I am not saying that cheating on Stan or anything else you've done is right, but I do think it's understandable. Ellen, the fact that you feel guilt proves you aren't horrible. You just need to learn how to handle things better," he said.

"I don't know how you can think so highly of me after knowing all that," I said. "I've just told you more than anyone else knows."

"I know that you care deeply about your friends and family. You've told me that you'd do anything for Ashley, and I believe it. You told her to go for Ben. You went after her, and you forced her to admit to him how she felt because you didn't want her to be heartbroken. That alone proves your loyalty to her. There aren't too many people out there who could do what you did," Keith said.

"She'd do it for me too," I said. "She didn't want to go for him because of me. If the situation was reversed, she'd have done it too."

"And you did it for Lindsay too," Keith continued. "I think a lot of the good things you've done cancels out the rest."

"Yes maybe," I said but I wasn't so sure.

"It's the truth. You just need to realize that. Once you get over Ben, things will work out for you. It's this obsession with Ben that is holding you back. You need to see what is front of you Ellen," Keith said. "Just work hard on you OWL exams and Quidditch. The rest will eventually come into place for you."

The thing was, I did plan to follow his advice. It was good advice, but as time went on, things still didn't go as planned.

Ashley and I had a pleasant time in Hogsmeade, but it was a cold day and we didn't stay long. She ended up confessing a situation she'd had while she'd gone to Diagon Alley with some former Death Eaters and their kids. Apparently Xavier wanted his father to take her home which was a huge red flag to me. Apparently it had been to her as well, and so she took off. She ended up running into Harry Potter thankfully, and he took her home.

I was now worried. Mum had mentioned them in Diagon Alley and Hogmeade of course, but I hadn't taken it seriously. Now I was worried. Not only about what they could do, but about mt friend. They had seen her leave with Harry Potter. I imagined they thought she'd told stories about them. They knew who she was now because of Don and Xavier. They had likely wanted to take her home to find out her address, but I was sure they could find out anyway. The thought of that gave me chills.

I actually wrote to mum later that day about it. She replied by saying that she would check up on Ashley's mum once and a while but likely the Aurors had thought of that. She said there was likely already protective charms on her place just in case. She figured Harry would have taken care of it right away. I sure hoped so. I just hoped the world wouldn't go back to the way it had six years ago. We didn't need that. Timmy was basically unaffected by the war since he'd only been five. I wanted him to stay that way.

Someone had decided to throw a huge party in the common room that Saturday night. Ashley and I decided to join in the festivities because if we couldn't party with Ben and Michael, at least we could there. We both decided to get very drunk that night. I wanted Sam, but he was at the wedding of course. I wanted to shag that night with someone, but I didn't know who. I missed the days of being with Stan, and then sneaking off with him. I couldn't with any of the boys in my year. There was one who I wanted to, but I doubted he would want to with me. I'd been thinking about Keith a lot lately and how attractive he was. He likely wouldn't want to now that he knew everything about my past. I was very sure he was a virgin, so why would he want some slag? That's exactly what I was after all.

I found my solace in the arms of a seventh year boy, Ethan. I didn't know him too well, but he had asked me out in the past. We'd snogged a few times as well. I couldn't tell you anything about him though except he was one of the best looking seventh years. In fact, he was the best looking in Hufflepuff. He made Ben or even Nathan (a very hot Gryffindor) look plain. Most girls, even Ashley (who didn't like to admit that she looked at other boys) swoon when he smiled at them.

That night, once we danced the first time, he seemed to have his eye on me only. I couldn't believe it because I was just a fifteen year old and he was eighteen. I'd heard he didn't like to go below sixteen because he felt it was wrong. He generally stayed with his fellow seventh years, but he would make an exceptions for certain sixth years. So for him to notice me was a really big deal. Under normal circumstances, I knew I could get a handsome boy like him, but this time it was shocking.

"Want to go to my dorm?" He asked after a while.

Although I'd decided a while ago that Sam would be the only bloke I'd shag casually, I couldn't turn him down. As long as I wasn't having sex with a different boy everyday, it wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to turn down Ethan. Who knew when I'd get another opportunity with an eighteen-year-old? So I nodded quickly.

He took me by the hand and led me over to familiar barrel top door that I'd been in so many times. I felt a small pang when I remembered the times I'd go down there with Stan. There were many nights when I would just sleep down there with him. Girlfriends usually did sleep in their boyfriends dorms. I knew Ashley often went to Ben's bed to sleep. I often felt like someone had kicked me when I would see her empty bed at night.

The last time I'd been down there was when I'd decided to steal a bunch of hang-over potions from Ben. I'd been furious with him at the time, and I felt that he didn't deserve them, especially since he never shared with me. Usually when we went home, he would take his parents supply of them and bring them to school. He had never once thought to share one with me. So shortly after my break up with Stan, I'd gone down there and stolen them all. Stan caught me leaving, but he hadn't asked me why I'd been in there. He had just glared at me so hatefully, and had gone on his way.

This time I went through a different tunnel than I was used to. When we went into his dorm, I was surprised at the amount of space. I almost forgot that our year had a lot of people in it. I'd gotten used to it. Most of the time there were about five people or so per dorm. We had seven girls and eight boys in Hufflepuff. In Ethan's dormitory, there were only four beds in it. It was quite spacious and not as cluttered. In Ben's dorm, one would often run into a trunk, a pile of clothes or even someone's bed. It was hard to walk around, especially when most of the boys were messy.

"Like what you see?" Ethan asked as he watched me.

I quickly explained why I was looking around and he smiled.

"Yes, I had a small year. There were actually five of us once. We shared a dorm with a boy named Sonny, but he didn't come back after first year. He was muggleborn, so we imagine the worse happened unfortunately," Ethan said. "He was a good bloke, so it is quite the same. He should have been finishing with us."

I shivered thinking about that. He should have been in his seventh year. It had bothered me when I was younger, but it bothered me more as I grew older. The first and second years now seemed like kids to me. The first years were just a year older than my little brother. Some sicko's had murdered innocent children around that age because of their blood. Ashley could have been in that situation too.

"But let's not talk about that," Ethan said. He must have noticed how disturbed I seemed. He gave over to me and kissed me. The moment he did this, I forgot all about that and any other worries I might have. He was a very good kisser and I couldn't wait to find out what else he was good at.

After the wedding, Ben and Michael couldn't stop talking about it. I hated it and now I understood how Michael felt when he felt left out. I didn't want to hear about how fun they'd had while we had been stuck at school. Michael couldn't stop talking about the fact that he had actually danced with Hermione Granger. Ben later told me that he'd asked her to after she'd danced with him because he was Barry's little brother.

There was a tense moment between Ashley and Michael when he found out that he was the last to find out about her encounter in Diagon Alley. He usually was the last one to find things out. It was never intentional either. We wanted him involved as well, but somehow, he was left out. We'd all forgiven him long ago for second year. Ashley had waited to tell me as well. I pointed out to Michael that technically he knew before me. She had told me on Saturday and Hermione Granger had mentioned it to him on Friday when they'd danced at the wedding.

"It's still irritating," Michael complained. "You lot have no idea how much it bothers me that I am always left out."

"Well if it makes you feel better, it bothers me as well that she didn't tell me right away either," I told him. "She should have written to both of us about what had happened. I know Ben is her boyfriend but sometimes I feel like she has replaced him as her best friend too. She tells him more than she tells me."

"Do you always tell her everything?" Michael asked. "What about what you told me on the parchment about last summer."

"That's different," I said.

"I don't see how," Michael said. "I think she tells you one thing and him the other. Last summer her and me promised we'd be more open with each other, but she still doesn't tell me things. I found it amusing, but I do feel bad that she was too scared to tell me about Harry because she thought I'd be angry. I'd reacted that way in first year. I am not going to now, especially since I've talked to him then and I danced with Hermione Granger. I don't want her or even the rest of you to feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around me. I am trying so hard to stop being that boy you lot couldn't stand, but sometimes I feel you see me that way still."

"We don't for the most part," I told him. "We all see you've changed. Michael, I've trusted you with more than I have with them. If it was third or fourth year, I couldn't have told you about last summer. That should tell you a lot. You and me sat together and talked about your feelings for me. If that was second year, I wouldn't have listened. We're better than we used to be."

"Well I just hope I'm not always left out. As for this Diagon Alley business, I think we should watch out for her, especially when she around Don and Xavier. I didn't take it seriously before but now I am. The Hoofer's had warned me about it because I work in the Leaky Cauldron during the summer. I had just shrugged it off, but now I'm really worried. What if they go to her house now?" Michael asked.

"Mum thinks they have Auror protection on her house for the time being," I told him. "I hope she is right."

So on top of the worries I already had, I was now worrying about her as well. I knew Ben and Michael were too. Everyone was getting exam fever even more, and I wanted nothing to do with it. Ben even tried giving me OWL practice sheets, but I'd told him that I didn't want them. Maybe later I'd look at them, but at the moment, I wanted nothing to do with them. The fifth years were all forming study groups, and I wanted nothing to do with it. They all paired people who struggled in one class with someone who was good in it.

I visited Sam quite a bit when they were all busy. He often questioned me about if I was worried about my exams or not, but I always changed the subject. One afternoon, I got annoyed with him.

"Remember when you told me that the topic of Ashley and Ben are off limits?" I demanded. "Well so are my OWLs. I get it enough from your cousin, I don't need it from you."

"I thought that got you hot," Sam said. "I still haven't forgotten our first time."

"Sam, I don't want to talk about OWLs," I told him. "I am not thinking about it until the Easter holidays."

Sam just shrugged and then changed the subject. I knew he slacked off. It made me wonder how he was related to Ben and how he was sorted into Ravenclaw. Sometimes I believed the hat had somehow mixed the two of them up. I didn't know how it was possible since they were different years, but it was just odd.

Keith did urge me to focus more, and I tried to at first. That was until I got a letter from dad very close to the Easter holidays. Usually it was mum who told me dads latest news. I hadn't heard from dad since the wedding fiasco. I was surprised to see his number on my parchment until I read through the letter. My heart sank and then tears formed in my eyes. All I wanted to do was break something.

Dad had been seeing some woman since the summer who had two kids. Now apparently she was moving in with him with the kids. What got to me was that the kids had the same age differences as Timmy and me and everything. He had literally replaced us with a muggle family. The boy was five and the girl was ten. The girl would live in my old room, and the boy in Timmy's old room. I found it messed up that the kids were the same ages that we were when we went in hiding. Was he in denial about that year, and now he was starting over?

I still had a lot of my old things there. That meant that the little girl would be using my stuff! That stuff was left over from when I was about ten or eleven too. I'd taken all my magical things, and anything left, dad had put away. She would be using my old clothes and old muggle toys. It was the same with the little boy who would be using Timmy's stuff. How could he do that to us? Were their names Timmy and Ellen too?

I didn't even bother writing back to him. I didn't want to know anything else. I started to cry very hard. Any desire that I'd had to work on my school work went out the window at that moment. My dad didn't love me anymore and I didn't understand why. We rarely went to his place anyway but he told me that I probably wouldn't see him during the Easter holidays or during the summer. I didn't want to go see him anyway.

I remembered when Keith told me that I should use Quidditch to channel my anger. I'd left my broomstick in my dorm because I'd been polishing it. I decided right there and then that I needed to fly to let off some steam. It was getting warm out anyway. So I grabbed my broom and I headed up to the common room. When I entered, I saw that every single fifth year in Hufflepuff, even Melanie, was sitting together and studying. She had started to join their study sessions as well, and for some reason no one told her to go away. I supposed they were all that worried about exams that they stopped caring when it came to that.

I felt their eyes on me as I walked past. I knew my friends at least would talk about me, but I didn't care. None of them understood what I was going through. I didn't even think Michael would get it. His parents had alcohol as an excuse. My dad had turned his back on Timmy and me. He didn't want us anymore. He'd picked a new family over us. In fact, I was sure Timmy would be the only person who would understand. All I wanted to do was fly and forget about all of that. Maybe later I would seek out Sam.

My friends all stayed at Hogwarts for the Easter holidays. They'd tried to convince me as well to stay but I'd said no. I just wanted to go home. Sure I would be grounded, and mum would probably lecture me about OWLs, but I didn't care. She'd told me three years ago that she was going to make me take them seriously during these holidays.

She surprised me though. I was to start on school work right away when I got home, but she didn't lecture me on my grades. Perhaps it was because they were better than what they had been. I'd basically been failing at Christmas but I was back up to average by that point. I still wasn't where mum wanted me to be, but it was an improvement. So I figured that was why she didn't say much except that I was grounded and I was to spend the time studying.

Timmy and me got along pretty well too. He was upset about dad as well, but he told me that he wasn't going to let it get his mood down.

"I've spent too much time crying over him," Timmy told me. "So have you. He made his choice. Someday he'll want to be our dad again. He'll have to earn my trust before he can be."

Zachary tried to get with me, but I told him I couldn't since I was grounded. It wasn't just that. Sure I wanted to hang out with him because he was fun, but I didn't want to go back to shagging him again. I was getting to the point that I didn't want Sam anymore either. I wanted a boyfriend. I didn't want the friends with benefits relationship anymore. If I couldn't have Ben, I wanted someone. I just missed having that closeness and I couldn't get that from Sam or Zachary. I wanted Keith. He was always on my mind.

I did feel somewhat relaxed by the end of the holidays until Timmy came into my room on the last day. I was doing some last minute homework when he came in and sat down with me. Not only did he lecture me about my school work and my attitude, but he basically yelled at me too. I couldn't get angry with him either because I had promised him. He wanted me to pick a career as back up and he wanted me to get A's and E's on my OWLs.

I didn't understand why it was my ten almost eleven-year-old brother who sent me into a panic out of everyone. I'd had so many people lecture me about the exams for years. Mum and Ben had been on my case the most, but my other friends and Professor Sprout had also been bothering me. Yet, it was Timmy who sent me into that same frenzy that my fellow fifth years had. Maybe it was because he told me that I was disappointing him as a big sister, and that I couldn't use dad as an excuse. Either way, I felt immense guilt.

Professor Sprout had wanted me to give her an idea of a career when I'd returned, but I hadn't taken her seriously. She'd told me that I had to have at least five classes next year for Quidditch. I didn't think it would be that hard to get five OWLs. The thing was, someone, likely Ashley had slipped some of those OWL practice sheets in my trunk. I'd read through some, and it made me feel overwhelmed. Could I really achieve the necessary grades that I needed?

So when I returned to school, I felt more stressed than I had in months. I read through the career pamphlets, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. I tried to do the school work, but it stressed me out even more. The OWLs were coming up so quickly and I was not prepared. I could not remember some first year spells because of my stress. For the first time since the beginning of the school year, I regretted not studying more.

It wasn't just that. I just was not okay with Ashley and Ben. I didn't care what anyone said. I wanted him to be with me. I saw her sitting on his lap, and feeding him some fudge from Honey Dukes. I nearly lost it when I saw this. I turned to the one person I never thought I would. Jared. I knew he slept around, and I did find him very attractive, but for some reason I just didn't want to shag him. I didn't know if it was because of Hank and Stan or because he'd shagged Ashley. I didn't know if it was the latter since I still wanted Ben. I just knew that I hadn't want more than random kissing with him.

It didn't start off with shagging of course. After I saw Ashley feeding the chocolate to Ben (something I usually did, and I felt she was doing it because I used to with Stan. She didn't like PDA and to her, that counted as it) I vent to Jared, the first person that I saw. I expected him to get annoyed with me like everyone usually did, except maybe Keith. However, he started to reassure me that everything would be okay instead.

"I don't see how," I said. "And no one takes me seriously. They all think that I don't know what I am feeling. I know my feelings better than anyone."

"I think you're just used to being in love with him just as Michael is used to being in love with you," he said. "I don't think he is in love with you, and I don't think you're in love with Ben."

"What about you and Jolene?" I asked. "You've been with her for so long. Do you think you love her?"

"We broke up," Jared answered. "She got too damn jealous. She eventually dumped me. It's a relief to be honest. The only thing I'll miss is the sex."

"But you can shag any girl. You did before you and Jolene dated. I'm surprised you two lasted this long," I said. "You've never been the commitment type."

"I can be with the right kind of girl," Jared said. "And she was at first. She reminded me of... well, she reminded me of someone else. She just changed during our relationship. Now I am back to shagging for the hell of it."

"Are you proposing something?" I asked Jared with a wink.

I wasn't being serious. I didn't want to have more than one casual shag mate. Although Sam and I hadn't talked in a long time. I wasn't sure what was going on with that. I almost wondered if he was trying to avoid me. He'd started to pull away shortly after Barry's wedding. He didn't always message me back right away. Lately he hadn't messaged me at all. So perhaps he had actually found a girlfriend or something. So perhaps it wouldn't be a big deal to shag Jared after all.

His eyes lit up when I said this.

"If you're willing," he said.

And I couldn't help but be curious. Ashley had told me that he had gotten really good after a while. I hadn't taken her seriously since he was the only bloke she'd shagged. How would she know? Sex started to feel good to anyone after they lost their virginity. She had nothing to go on. However, now I couldn't help but wonder if she was right. Maybe there was something she'd understood. That being said, I was curious about him overall. So many girls wanted him and they were always disappointed that he didn't want more after a shag.

So I nodded and told him that I was more than willing.

And that's when things started with Jared. I stopped messaging Sam, but I didn't think he cared anyway. At first I would go to Jared to complain about Ashley and Ben. Outside of Keith, he was the only one who would listen to me. He seemed to understand my anger with them. He would never say a bad word against them, but he listened patiently and he'd always reassure me that things would get better for me. It would always lead up to a shagging session.

I got to the point that I wanted him to be more to me. I couldn't have Ben, and I didn't want a shag mate. Jared and me got along well enough. So one day I told him that I thought of him as a secret boyfriend. I was testing him when I said this. When it came to Jared, he would be honest. He would tell me if he just saw me as friends with benefits or more. Neither of us wanted anyone to know we were shagging. His reasons were because of Stan. I just didn't want my friends to know about the casual shagging. Ashley knew about Zachary, but that was it, and perhaps Ben did as well. I didn't even want Michael to know this time. Jared agreed with this one.

"He'll flip out of he finds out that we're shagging," Jared had told me after the first few times.

Now I watched him nervously. He was a way to relieve stress and I was worried that I was about to lose that. I didn't want to lose my escape. He was different when it came to Sam or Zachary and I couldn't figure out how.

"I suppose that's what we are," Jared finally said. "I haven't shagged anyone since I started up with you."

"Same here," I told him.

"Just how many blokes have you shagged?" He asked. "I've heard rumours, but you know Hogwarts. You never know what to believe."

"More than I'd like to admit," I told him but I told him about them all. I explained how I had been after the Christmas holidays, but then I'd felt like such a slag (and I really was) and so I'd stopped. I'd just stuck to Sam until that moment.

"And now blonde Hoofer wants nothing to do with you, so you're with me?" Jared asked.

"No, I'd have stopped things with him," I told him. "It wasn't about that, but I guess he must have someone because he ignores me."

"I don't think so. I see that kid all over the castle snogging different girls. I saw him the other day with some cute little third year. Guess he just got over Ellen Perenge," he said.

"Guess so," I said feeling down about this.

I was happy that Jared was considering me his secret girlfriend. It was the fact that he'd just decided to ignore me. Why did he suddenly decide that he didn't want me anymore? I figured I would write to him later about it. I just had to know what had happened. I was understanding when I thought he had a girlfriend. I just felt it was ignorant to just ignore me. He should have just told me that he didn't want to see me anymore.

"But seriously Ellen, I get that you want Ben, but I don't want to hear about it all the time. I don't care if you feel the need to vent, but if you're with me, you shouldn't be thinking about some other bloke. I don't want you to pretend that I am him. When you're with me, you're with Jared," he said.

"I don't-" I began but he held up a hand.

"I know you do, and I know you've done with every boyfriend you've had. You've done that with every boy you shagged, and it's why you went for his cousin. I don't want any of that. It's not right to me. I know you would hate it if I pretended that you were someone else," he said. "You should be showing me the same respect. That is going to be the number one rule to our relationship."

"Fine, I understand," I said.

I didn't want to argue with him so I gave in to him. I wanted this relationship to work out, and I never wanted to be dumped for my love for Ben ever again. This time things would end on my terms.

Later on I decided to write to Sam one last time. I told him about Jared, and then asked him not to tell Ben. Then I proceeded to ask him about why he'd stopped talking to me.

I have many reasons. Barry told me about your fascination with his trust fund though. It makes me think that it is the only reason you want him. I have my own and I am not going to stay with some gold digger. I don't care if we weren't anything but shag mates, I could still see you going after my money. It's not just that. Even after I told you not to bad mouth my cousin you still did. Shagging you was fun and all, but that's the problem. It was supposed to just be fun. I don't have a girlfriend because I didn't want to deal with that stress. It was fun while it lasted, but you're just too much drama Ellen. I won't tell Ben about Jared, but I hope you're not using him like you did with Stan. I never cared when you did it with me because I wanted to shag a hot girl, but don't it to some bloke that you're actually dating. I'll see you around Ellen.

I felt betrayed by Ben's brother. I had a feeling that Ben had told Barry about everything with me. Sam must have mentioned our little affair and had discouraged Sam by telling him that was a gold digger. Why else would he make up such a lie? I had never said anything- but then I remembered some of my talks with Ashley. Barry had been around, but I hadn't talked him about it. Quite a few times I'd told Ashley exactly what I would do to renovate their house and what I would do with the trust fund. I hadn't thought much about the fact that Barry was there. The conversation had likely sounded bad to him.

I had a feeling that Barry liked Ashley more than he did me. He'd never been anything but nice to me, but he had started calling her: 'Little Sis,' but not once had he ever called me that. I was sure he was happy that he could call her that even more now. Ben was also his brother of course, and Ben believed he loved Ashley. Since Barry likely knew about my love for Ben (especially with that conversation) he felt he had to protect him, and now he probably saw me as the enemy. I was interfering with his relationship now. Now he heard that I was going for Sam, and he likely pieced two and two together about me seeing Sam as Ben, but also he remembered the trust fund comment. I could understand Barry's point. I still felt as if he were betraying me, but I understood why.

I knew one day Barry would understand once it was Ben and me together. Him and I would talk about it and he would apologize. I would tell him that I understood, and we would put it past it. He would be best man at our wedding. He would make a speech about how it took a long while to get to where we were, but we'd made it. He would say he didn't know at first that I was the girl for his little sister, but now he knew I was. He would welcome me to the family, and finally call me: 'Little sis' and hug me. Ashley would be over Ben by that point, and she would congratulate us too. I knew she'd understand eventually. She would do anything for me too. She would still be my best friend and she would be my Maid of Honour.

Smiling, I was able to put away my message parchment without feeling resentment for Sam. Jared was right. Someday things would work out for me.

While Jared was a good escape when it came to exams and Ashley and Ben, it was even more obvious that he was in love with her. Most people knew that he was, and he'd even admitted to it even though I didn't think he realized it. I remembered him even saying that he should have dated her when he could. I think he must have forgotten about this because one day after an amazing swim and shag session in the prefects bathroom, he admitted it to me.

This annoyed me because I was sick of hearing about everyone's love for her. I was starting to understand Michael's old complaint's about people being 'Ashley Lover's.' It wasn't just that. He had basically forbidden me from admitting the same thing about Ben when I was with him. So I was pissed, especially since I already knew this. I felt like telling him that, but I decided to play dumb for the time being. After all, he had been understanding about Ben and me. So I could do the same for him for now. However, eventually I would call him out on it. Besides, I wanted to know why he loved her. We needed to get along for that to happen.

So I said:

"You too? What is it about her that makes so many blokes want her? She isn't that beautiful."

I wasn't trying to insult her with that comment. I just wanted to understand better. Normally when a lot of guys wanted a girl, it was because she was beautiful. Ashley wasn't. I'd figured out a while that she did have a sex appeal to her because of her body. A lot of blokes wanted to shag her just because she had a nice body. However, a lot of these boys were in love with her. Usually a girl like Ashley was seen as a shag and dump. Boys like Jared usually didn't want more with her. So how was it that she had won his heart of all people? I could almost understand Ben because they'd been friends for so long, and he had seen her as his best friend, but not Jared.

"It's not about that," he answered. "Why are you best friends with her?"

I knew where he was going with that, but I disagreed. Yes, I knew that personality could triumph looks. I just still didn't get it because for a lot of people, they had to have both. Ashley just had personality with an amazing body. I didn't have a bad personality and I had all of that. So what was it about her personality over mine? How did so many people overlook the fact that she wasn't that beautiful enough to love her? Her personality was not that amazing.

"Everyone knows that looks are a part of it," I responded and then I thought of all the boys that I knew of. "You, Ben, Ted, Hank, Joey, and a bunch of others want her. Of course it had to be Ben she was with."

"You need to move on from Ben," Jared said which I found ironic. He needed to move on from her. "Besides, you were the one to push them together. They would not be together right now if you hadn't done anything about it. If you feel betrayed so much by them, why did you help them?"

It was the first time he'd called me out on it. In the past he would listen, but now he seemed annoyed with me. Why was it okay for him to talk about her but I couldn't talk about Ben? I gave him the answer I gave everyone else who had asked, and it was the truth.

"I wanted Ashley to be happy," I told him.

"And now she is, so you can't complain," he answered.

"But it's me that is meant to be with Ben," I explained. "I knew he wanted her as well. I knew they just needed to get it out of their system. They're going to realize that they aren't meant to be together. Ben is going to realize that it's me he wants. It's just taking some time for him to realize it. And hey, I guess if Denver doesn't want her back then you can always go for her. You did love her at one time."

Keith and Michael and perhaps Lindsay were the only people I had really admitted my thoughts to about this. To Jared, I was doing it to hurt him. I was angry because here he was going on about how he loved her, and yet he was dating me. If I couldn't talk about Ben then he couldn't talk about Ashley.

"You're supposed to be with me right now," he said to me angrily.

He was so hypocritical that I wanted to hurt him even more. I could see how much this was bothering him. So I decided to continue with it.

"We won't last long," I said and this was the truth. I knew that Jared had to know this. We were dating to pass the time. He loved Ashley though, so he couldn't be taking me seriously. Either he was using me to get over her or he just wanted a girlfriend to have fun with instead of the one night stands. It could also be a combination of the two. So I went on: "This is just fun right now. You and I can have our fling and then Ben can realize how much he likes me. You can wait for Ashley with open arms."

I smiled at him but he looked even more angry.

"Right," he said. "You know what Ellen; I don't think this is going to work out after all."

And without another word, he turned and walked off. For a moment, I couldn't help but think: Good Riddance. He couldn't get angry with me for doing the same as what he was doing. I sighed and followed after him, but at a slower pace. I thought about the load of homework that I had waiting for me, and I felt overwhelmed again. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go back to the common room where Ashley and Ben would be.

I sighed and went that way anyway. I knew I'd promised Timmy, but what did it really matter anyway? Dad didn't love me, the boy I loved was with another girl, I had just been dumped, and I still wanted Keith anyway. The problem was, he wouldn't want me. I needed someone to escape to when it came to all this stress and Keith seemed perfect for that. He was always there for me no matter what. Jared had been a good escape, but he loved someone else too.

When I went to the common room, I saw that Ashley and Ben were indeed together, and I couldn't stomach it at the moment. This was Ben's fault after all. I couldn't exactly blame Ashley, but I could blame him. He should have been with me. He should have been helping me prepare for OWLs, but he wasn't. I wanted nothing to do with their study sessions or the homework pile that was at the same table as them.

Classes were hard after that. Many people were having break downs. I had one very soon after Jared dumped me. We were in Transfiguration and practicing basic switching spells. I could not remember how to do the second year spells. Everyone else around me were practicing them and doing just fine, but I could not do it. I stood up quickly and kicked my stool hard. Everyone turned to look at me, as I began throwing everything back into my bag.

"Ellen, what is going on?" Professer Deplacer asked me.

"I'm stupid for this stupid class!" I shouted at her. "I quit!"

And without another word, I turned to leave. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, but I didn't care. Ben was helping Ashley with a spell when he should have been helping me. That made it even worse. Why would he ignore me this way? This was the most important exams I would take besides the NEWTs and he was helping her instead of me! I knew he'd promised to help her in first year, but he should have still been putting me before her. I was his future wife after all!

I headed back to the common room to cry. I couldn't handle this workload or all this practice. I couldn't do all this by myself and no one was there for me. I thought about Jared and the escape he'd provided for me. I needed him back. I just had to wonder if he would take me back. I would promise not to talk about Ashley and Ben, but I needed that emotional support and stress relief.

After a few days, I headed over to Jared. He looked up at me with annoyance, but I pleaded with him anyway to take me back. Surprisingly, he had no problem with it. Maybe he missed me. Maybe he realized he didn't love Ashley. After a week with me, he must have realized how much he missed me because of how amazing I was. That was the only reason for why I could think of why he would take me back so quickly. I had hurt his feelings by talking about Ben. He likely even realized he loved me instead of her before that. Maybe he had said that to actually make me jealous! This was a new revelation to me, but it made me feel better. I was prettier than her after all.

I did my best not to talk about Ashley and Ben after that. Jared was there again to help when I felt overwhelmed. I still ignored the pile of homework I had to do. We had a Quidditch match coming up, and there was a chance we could win again. We were in second. All we had to do was get a lot of points up and we'd win.

Unfortunately, it didn't work that well. The day of the match, Ashley wished Ben good luck by giving him a passionate kiss right there in the dressing room. Usually when I played a game, I could forget everything when I flew. That day was my worst performance in history. Not only did I not score any points, but I couldn't catch the Quaffle. Martha and Ben tried to make up for my poor playing, but I could see that the team was distracted by my poor performance. They'd all counted on me to bring in a win again. We all played so bad, and Gryffindor won once again.

After losing the match because of Ashley and Ben, I felt angry again. I couldn't help it. I started to complain to Jared about them. He tried to tell me that it wasn't Ashley's fault that I played so poorly, but it was. This caused an argument, and he ended things again.

I was so angry with Ashley. I felt that this was her fault. Because of her, I'd lost my game and Jared. She had stolen two boys from me. Seeing her and Ben talking about the OWLs that were close approaching made me have another breakdown. It was Ben's fault too. I threw a bunch of my notes in the vanishing garbage bin in our dorm in a fit of rage. I realized what I did right after and began to cry. I had just thrown my notes out. How could I study now?

And then the exams had finally approached.

We had Charms first, and while I wasn't as good at Ashley, I did know them well enough. I figured I'd do fine on this one. I was relieved we had it first and not Transfiguration. That was until I had to do the practical. I couldn't remember basic charms like colour charms. I ended up mixing up a bunch of charms. I didn't I failed, but I didn't do as well as I should have.

Things only went downhill from there. There were a few classes that I felt I did well in, but I had a feeling that I failed in Transfiguration and Potions. I'd blown up a potion shortly before our exams. I just hoped that it was only a P that I would receive.

By the end of them, I felt so ashamed of myself and angry with all of my friends. All three of them, Michael, Ashley and Ben (especially Ben!) should have made sure I'd worked harder. They had all stuck together, but they had let me slack off. They had even studied with Tara and Melanie! I knew that Ashley had helped Tara with Charms. How could she do that? Why wouldn't she help me instead? What kind of friend would do that? I had let her date Ben and she couldn't help me out? And what about Ben? He always nagged me about homework, but he didn't bother me to study. What kind of way was that to treat the girl you loved?

I was in tears and ready to break down again. I stood alone in the Entrance Hall with my forehead against the cold stonewall. I felt someone put a hand on my shoulder. I hoped it was Ben reassuring me that everything was okay. He had done the same for Ashley when she'd apparently cried after their Arithmancy exam. Now he wanted to comfort me because he knew how stressed I was feeling at the moment. I turned around quickly. It was a Hoofer, but it wasn't the Hoofer that I wanted.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I think I flunked everything," I told him and I hoped at he would pull me into his arms to hug me.

"That's a shame. Do you need a good shag at least to take things off of it?"

Perhaps he thought he was being nice or something. However, I didn't know how he thought this was acceptable. The last thing I wanted was a shag, especially from him. I was feeling so miserable about the fact that I had done really terrible on my exams. I swung my arm back and slapped him as hard as I could.

"You bitch!" He shouted.

"Fuck you!" I screamed.

I walked away from him as fast as I could. I heard him yell after me that Ben had dodged a bullet with me because I was mad.

"Mad!" I shouted back at him. "Do you want to see mad!?"

I pulled my wand out of my robes and sent the boil hex at him. I turned and ran to the common room sobbing. I knew as I ran that I was in the wrong there. He hadn't actually deserved a slap. In the past, I had gone to him for shagging when I was stressed. So it was likely why he thought what he said was okay. At that moment though, I was just too damn stressed out. I ran until I reached my dorm. I threw myself on my bed and really let go. No one cared about me. My dad didn't care, my friends didn't care, Jared didn't care, Keith didn't care, Lindsay didn't care and I thought maybe I was mad. I felt like I was going mad. I was alone in the dorm, so I let out a scream. What was wrong with me?

Later that night, I wrote to Sam. I felt horrible for slapping him and then hexing him. I'd hit boys before, but usually they had it coming. Anytime I had slapped Stan he had deserved it. Sam hadn't deserved that though.

Sam, you had every right to call me mad. You have every right to ignore this message and to never talk to me again. I just want to tell you how sorry I am. In the past I came to you when I was stressed and we shagged. So I don't blame you for thinking that. I overreacted big time and I am very sorry for hitting you and then hexing you. I know it doesn't justify but I am just so damn stressed out lately. I feel so angry all the time, and I took it out on you. I truly am sorry.

I expected him to ignore the message, but he actually wrote back to me quite quickly.

I was probably insensitive to offer that Ellen. I know even Ben is stressed from the OWLs and I know you're going through a lot. Michael told me about your father and his new girlfriend the other day. I am sorry to hear that. No, you shouldn't have slapped me but I probably shouldn't have asked that. I should have talked to you first. You get a free pass on this. I was a prat to you anyway. I ignored you when I probably shouldn't have. Feel better Ellen.

I was glad to see that he forgave me. Seeing that response made me feel better. I decided to have a quick shower. I knew that the fifth years (and seventh years for that matter) had decided to throw a huge party to celebrate the end of exams. I decided to join them. A good party could help me out for at least one night. I wondered if I could get Jared to take me back as well. I always felt better when I was with him anyway.

When I reached the common room, it was to find that most of the fifth years weren't even there yet. Other people had started the party, but I wasn't sure where the others were. I found Jared alone. He was setting up some drinks. I asked him to take me back, and I told him that this time I would not talk about Ashley and Ben again. He glanced at me expressionless. I truly hoped he would take me back. I needed him. I could try Sam, but he wouldn't want what Jared would give me. I needed more than a shag.

"This is the last time," he finally said. "You're lucky. I don't often give girls this many chances. You have to stop with the Ashley and Ben nonsense."

"I promise I won't bring them up again," I promised. "We'll celebrate later, but right now I see Ashley. I should spend some time with her."

"Celebrate?" Jared asked me. "Well that is one way of putting it. I need to finish this anyway. Go spend time with your friends."

Although I had been annoyed with her earlier to the point that I'd actually wanted to yell at her, I no longer felt that way now. I wasn't sure why it was. As bad as it sounded, I needed that moment in the dorm to cry and scream and I think that was what had helped. I didn't know what it meant because now all I wanted to do was party with my friends. Did that make me bi-polar or something? I really didn't understand it, but I decided not to dwell on it. That night I just wanted to have fun.

She smiled at me when I reached her before she picked up a drink and handed it to me.

"Pumpkin juice and vodka," she said. "I've been waiting for you. I know you've been stressed. Forget everything for the night Ellen."

And then she hugged me and I felt guilt when I remembered my earlier thoughts. It had gone as far was wanting to smack both her and Ben as I had slapped Sam. I no longer felt that way. How could I think so bitterly about her one moment, but love her the next? I wondered if this meant I needed a mind healer (therapost) or something. I didn't think I could blame it on hormones that time like I had back in second year. Something wasn't right about me emotions. Perhaps in the summer I would go to a muggle library and look it up. Maybe I could talk to mum about it.

"Thank you," I said to her and I took the drink from her. "This is a night where I definitely need to get drunk."

"We all do Ellen. I never want to go through that again," she said to me.

Ben joined us soon afterwards, followed by Michael a few minutes later. He too looked as if he were drinking pumpkin juice and vodka. We all smiled each other and then Ashley turned to Ben excitedly. I tried not to think anything bad. I needed a good night, but she didn't even touch him anyway.

"Just think, next year we'll be sixth years and we'll be seventeen," Ashley said excitedly to him.

"We won't have to be reminded of our OWLs all the time," I added happily. "No more school

work until next year!"

After fifth year there wasn't any homework because the teachers didn't know what classes you were continuing with. Some gave you some preparation assignments, but you didn't have to do it. They couldn't put you in detention for not doing it if you didn't have the marks to continue. So for once I could enjoy a summer without worrying about school.

"That will be a relief," Michael said.

"You've done well this year mate," Ben said to him. "You haven't been a prat at all."

I thought he had done better than well. He was a very different boy from last year.

"I learned my lesson from last year and last summer," Michael answered. "I lost Anne over it, and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. She was an amazing girlfriend."

"What about Sarah?" Ashley asked as she took a sip of her drink.

"She broke up with me right before our exams," Michael told her. "I didn't tell you guys because I didn't want the pity. She was just tired of the fact that our friends don't get along. Besides, I still miss Anne. I tried making it work with Sarah, but I want Anne back."

I felt pity for him there, and for some reason a bit of annoyance. I couldn't explain why, but it bothered me that he was talking about her when I knew he loved me. It didn't make sense because I didn't want him and I wanted him to get over me. It must have been that competitive part about of me again. I didn't like it because I shouldn't have felt that way with him. After everything I'd put him through, it wasn't right.

Ben and Ashley were looking at with pity and I knew it was because Anne was with Joey now. We all knew she loved him. She'd told Ashley and me that she loved Joey more in the short time they'd been together than she had Michael in the years they had been. I believed it because I could see it. He had no hope in hell.

"I know she's with him though," Michael said. "If I have to wait, then I will wait."

"Well just don't wait forever," I said to him.

It might have been contradictory, because I was doing the same. However, I had a chance with Ben. Michael didn't have a chance with Anne.

"I won't," Michael said. "I'm still going to date. I'm not going to sit back be all depressed. I'm going to date other girls, and maybe I'll find another that I really like."

"Same here," I said. "Now that we have this nightmare of year out of the way I am going to start dating again."

I figured after a while I could tell everyone about Jared. After the summer, Stan would probably be fine with it. In fact, revealing my relationship with Jared might have been the very thing to make Ben jealous. I felt that very soon he was going to realize that he didn't want Ashley anymore.

"Now we just get to stress on what our OWLs will be," Ashley said. "I hope they don't take too long to come."

"Well, no point in worrying now," Ben said. "Let's go join the party," and he nodded in the direction of where the fifth years were sitting.

All four of us moved at once to join them. Jared winked at me when we all walked over. I almost wanted to sit on his lap, but I couldn't. Perhaps I actually could though. I had in the past. Maybe no one would find it odd. I just hoped it wouldn't bother Jared. We couldn't be too affectionate with each other. However, sitting on each others laps didn't mean anything. Erica was sitting on Dan and they weren't dating. She'd just broken up with Reese, her sixth year boyfriend.

"The girls have to do shots of firewhiskey!" Hank shouted when we approached. He smiled at both Ashley and me. They were the same shot glasses that Jared had been arranging but now there were more. I wondered where they had gotten so many of them. He poured us the shots and then handed each of us one. He poured some for Michael and Ben too, but he nodded at the drinks for them to help themselves before he continued to pour more. I drank mine down quickly. Firewhiskey would hit the spot. "So Benjamin, are you having an end of summer pool party?"

Ben made a face at this. He hated to be called Benjamin just as much as he hated to be called Benny.

"It's Ben," he'd told us way back in first year. "Not Benny, not Benjamin, just Ben."

"Okay Just Ben," Ashley had joked. We'd been outside and he'd tackled her. Back then I hadn't felt any jealousy of them and I missed those days. I had just seen it as two friends fooling around together. But then again, we'd been so young and we'd only known each other a few weeks. So much had changed.

"I plan to do it every year. I'll write everyone the date and time again," he answered.

"Every year?" Stan asked him. "We only have one year left after this summer don't we?"

"We can have one after seventh year too," Ben replied. "It will likely be the last one, but it can celebrate that we're done Hogwarts at least."

"Oh let's not think about that yet," Anne said. "I don't want to think about the fact that we only have two years left. Let's just have fun for now."

I agreed with that. As much as I wanted to grow up, I didn't want our time at Hogwarts to end. I was going to miss nights like these. All of us seemed to agree with this because everyone took a shot again and then began laughing together. Ashley suddenly nudged me and I looked at her. She nodded to my right and pointed, so I looked over. Melanie was doing a shot. Melanie, the girl who was against drinking and who ratted people out was getting drunk.

Now I had to admit I'd noticed some change in the girl over the recent months, but this was a big deal. She had been so against drinking and now she appeared not to be. Everyone else noticed as well.

"I knew she would eventually join in," I remarked.

"Is she seriously doing a shot?" Keith asked. "She is too, it's about time she had some fun."

We all stared at her. Then Stan got up without saying a word and went over to them. I knew he was bringing her over. I wasn't sure if I was ready to forgive for everything just because she was drinking, but I understood why he was doing it. He just wanted all the fifth years together and drinking. I doubted even he was ready to join her. I felt that every single person there wanted to give her a chance to prove herself. I think we'd all noticed a slow change in her. Why else had they let her join in on the study sessions?

And for the first time since the beginning of second year, all of us fifth years were reunited.


	12. Rock Bottom

Rock bottom

I felt very happy until I went home. Professor Sprout had written to her about my poor performance for the last term. Not only did she tell her about how I'd slacked off, but she'd written about my poor Quidditch Match too.

"Ellen, I just don't understand what is going on with you. You'd better not have failed your exams," mum told me. "And you'd better not blame it on Ashley and Ben either!"

We were in the living-room and staring at each other furiously. She had sent Timmy down to the pool. She knew he would try and listen in. She'd gone out on the balcony to make sure he was in the pool before she returned to talk to me. Now she had her arms folded and she was glaring at me.

"But it is their fault mum!" I said angrily. "And it's dads fault too. It's Jared's fault because he broke up with me before the exams too."

"So it's everyone else's fault but your own? You can't take responsibility for any of it?"

"This was a bad year for me mum!" I shouted. "You don't understand anything that I went through."

"So enlighten me then Ellen. Tell me exactly why boys, friends and your father are responsible for you to do so poorly in school," mum demanded.

"What's the point mum?" I asked her. "You don't want to see it from my point of view. You just want to get angry with me and lecture me."

"No Ellen, I do want to see it from you point of view. So tell me, please," mum said now in a softer voice.

"Mum, I am not going to some magic day school and I'm not being tutored at home. I am going back to Hogwarts in September. If you pull me out, I'll slack off some more," I told her.

"Ellen, why is this even relevant at this point? Right now I don't feel as if I can help you," mum said. "You'll slack off at Hogwarts or at home. I just feel I've lost you and I don't understand why. I want you to explain it to me. I don't need you to threaten me."

I felt tears in my eyes now, and I sat down. I wasn't about to tell her about all the boys I had slept with because I didn't see why the number matter. However, she was going to find out that I had been shagging, and a lot of it had been casual. I was going to tell her everything except for the drugs. She already knew I drank sometimes. She didn't need to know about the weed as well. However, I would tell her as much as I could.

"Because you're not going to like what I have to tell you," I told her. "What you're about to hear is going to upset you, but I won't change schools. I'll be seventeen next summer. I'll just go back next year if I have to. I don't care."

"Just tell me," mum said. "By this point, I don't know what pulling you out of school will do, no matter what it is that you have done. Somehow I have a feeling I do know. I was a teenager once."

And so I told her. Other than the obvious things, I told her everything. I even told her about my angry thoughts about Ashley and Ben and my multiple break downs. I was so scared that I was crazy and I didn't want to be. Just as I couldn't stop when I'd told Keith, I could stop when I told mum either.

It was hard to tell what she was thinking, but I was surprised when she leaned over and hugged me. Why wasn't she yelling at me? When I was a kid, mum had spanked me when I was bad. I was now too old for that, but I almost expected even that. I did not expect for her to hug me for as long as she did, or to rub my back so soothingly. I was crying and I didn't even realize it.

"I'm so terrible mum," I said.

"No you're not," she said.

"How can you say that?" I asked as I pulled away. "Didn't you hear what I said?"

"Believe me, I heard every single detail, and I understand more than you realize. You're not mad either."

"Mum I had to scream and cry," I told her.

"Ellen, you have too much repressed anger at the moment. We need to work on a way for you to get that out. One that doesn't involve shagging different boys. I have to admit, I am very disappointed because you're fifteen, and you also lied... but I understand why you did it. You're not the first to do it, and you're not the last."

"Did you ever?" I asked her.

"Not in the way you did, but I understand that kind of stress relief you get from sex. I know you don't want to hear this, and I'll never say it again in front of you, but it's how your father and me first got through it before we decided to divorce. I know it sounds odd because we felt that we hated each other and yet... well you get the idea. It was just a temporary relief and we both realized that," mum explained. "But I do know of others who have done the same. You shouldn't have found that out at fifteen, but unfortunately you did. Now I hope you know that it is just temporary and it doesn't solve anything. It's almost the same as when your friend Michael used alcohol for his problems."

"It doesn't justify it," I said. "I feel dirty now. I'm a slag mum. I always looked down on girls like that."

"It doesn't Ellen, but honey, you have been through a lot. I should have paid more attention," mum said.

"It wouldn't have changed anything," I said.

"Ellen, you need to move on from Ben and Ashley," mum said. "Besides, given what you just told me. I think it's Keith you are in love with and not Ben or Jared. You shouldn't even be with Jared, you are just using him."

"I'm not in love with Keith," I told her.

"I think you are. Your eyes light up whenever you mention him. You've told me about him before and I've seen it. I just think you haven't wanted to let go of Ben or the fact that he rejected you for Ashley. Even though you were crying when you were telling me everything, you stopped and you looked happy when you told me all about Keith," mum said.

"I just respect him a lot. He's so easy to talk to and I can tell him anything," I said. "I can tell him things that I can't tell Ashley or Ben. Even Michael knows some of that. I don't think I can ever tell Ben or Ashley that I cheated on Stan."

"You said you were attracted to him. At one point you said you were with Jared because you couldn't have Ben or Keith. Say what you want dear, but I truly believe it is him that you want and not Ben," mum said.

"Even if you are right, and you're not, it doesn't matter," I told her. "He is a good boy. He is still a virgin. What virgin boy wants some girl who has slept with a lot of other boys?"

"I think you'll be surprised," mum said. "You said that didn't judge you and that he even stood up for you. So I think he would be. Just take the summer to think about it dear."

"You're not going to ground me or anything?" I asked her.

"No," mum said. "That doesn't mean you're off the hook. This summer you are doing all the chores. I've taught you enough when it comes to cooking. I want you to make the meals as well, and not any of that lazy stuff you do. Even though you do not have homework, I do want you to work on the practice sheets anyway. I want you to keep up on the reading. If you did bring home those sheets, I will get some for you. I want you to practice any spells that you struggled with. This summer you will be working."

"How can I practice spells?" I asked her. "I'm not even sixteen yet."

"Do as your brother does and use a fake wand. If you practice enough, it will come to you. Besides Ellen, you can do it in front of me. I never told you this, and you'd better not take advantage but they won't trace your magic when you have an adult witch or wizard in the house. I mean, they will, but when it comes to underage children, they don't know who is casting the spell. They know that we live in a muggle neighbourhood and every spell I cast is registered because of you and Timmy. They'll assume it's me. Not only that, but children are allowed to cast spells around their parents if they have permission. That notice just goes out to prevent muggleborns from doing the magic. If I had pulled you out of Hogwarts, you'd be doing magic here after all."

"So all this time I could have done magic?" I asked her.

"Well no, because I didn't give you permission until now. If you had, I would have punished you myself," she told me.

"You know what I mean though mum," I said.

"I don't want you taking advantage Ellen. The only time you can do magic is around me and when you're practising with me. I am trusting you not to do it when I am not around. If you try to take advantage, I will tell the Ministry to watch out for any magic cast during the day."

"I get it mum, I really do," I said. "I'll do it when you want me to. I need to practice anyway. I forgot so many spells when I did my OWLs," I told her. "What about Timmy?"

"Not yet," mum said quickly. "I just want you to do it because I need you to practice. If Timmy ends up with the same attitude as you, I'll just make him practice before his fifth year. For now, this is about you."

"Timmy won't slack off," I told her. "He's going to be a brown noser like Ben is."

"You realize he is doing it to make up for you right?" Mum asked. "He wants to succeed but he is also doing it because he wants to make up for you. I hope you won't make him feel bad for it."

"No. I tease him about it, but just in a sibling teasing way," I told her.

"Good. Ellen, I won't ground you and I won't pull you out of Hogwarts, but you will work hard this summer. You will not slack off just because you won't have schoolwork. If you do slack off, I will reconsider grounding you and pulling you out. I don't care if you go back next year. If I can take you out for a year, it might help you move on from Ashley and Ben. I won't do that unless you give me a reason," mum said. "And as for Zachary-"

"I don't plan to shag him mum," I interrupted.

"Even when I know as much as I do, it still bothers me to hear you say that so casually. I am glad to hear that you won't. I am putting you on the birth control potion this month. Tomorrow after work I am getting some. I could tell you to stop doing it, but I know you won't. I just want you to promise me you'll be careful. You don't need to be a teen mum Ellen," she said. "But I wish you would only have sex when you're in a relationship."

"I plan to from now on," I said. "I promise and you can get truth potion if you don't believe me. I feel dirty now. So Jared is the only boy I want unless we break up."

"You will never do it here," mum said. "Especially when you're supposed to be baby-sitting your little brother. Now, let's get dinner started. You will make it every night this summer."

I really didn't like the idea that I would have to do so much that summer. I'd been looking forward to a summer of freedom from school work. However, I would take that over being grounded or being pull out of Hogwarts. Mum had been a lot more understanding than I'd thought she would be. I could see how disappointed in me she was, but she had understood. That's all that mattered to me.

Things went quite well that summer until I got my OWL results. Timmy and me got along well, and I was writing to my friends almost everyday. Jared and I would meet up in London. Sometimes we went to Diagon Alley, but other times we'd wander the streets as well.

Timmy was so enthusiastic about going to Hogwarts. I told him that he'd better stay away from me at school. He was annoyed by this.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you Ellen. I don't plan to talk to you at school unless I have to. I will make friends my own age. I won't be following you around. I haven't done that since I was eight-years-old. Stop seeing me as a little boy all the time," he said.

He was right about that, but it didn't stop me from worrying. He looked up to Ashley so much that I worried he'd try anyway. She did befriend the younger kids after all, and he knew that. I worried that he would take advantage of that fact.

"I'm just telling you, that's all," I told him.

"Ellen, what if I am the shortest in the class? I still haven't grown much," Timmy said.

"I was the shortest in my class and I eventually grew," I told him.

"But you're a girl. It's different for boys," he replied. "It doesn't matter if a girl is short. People at Primary school sometimes made comments about it."

"You've always joked around about your height," I said. "Since when are you insecure about it?"

"I just make jokes to feel better about it, but I wish I could be taller," he told me. "And I worry that the people at Hogwarts will find it weird, or me weird."

"Timmy you can still have a growth spurt. I've grown almost a foot since first year. Mum measured me. I was only 4'3 when I started, and I am now feet. You probably grow too," I told him.

"But you're still small," he reminded me.

"But I am also a girl and dad is tall," I said. "Come on, let's measure you. I bet you're about the height that I was."

I knew mum kept a measuring tape in the living-room. So I went looking for it. It didn't take me long to find it. I pulled it out and went over to Timmy. I had him stand up straight so I could measure him. He was an inch taller than I had been and I told him this.

"We'll measure you again in six months," I told him. "At Easter. I bet you'll have grown. I really don't think people will care about your height."

"I hope you're right. Most kids in Primary school were so much taller than me. I was about the same height as some of the eight and nine-year-olds."

"I know the feeling," I said. "But someone who is truly your friend won't judge you Timmy. It doesn't matter if you're a boy or not. I am sure they will like you well enough. Don't worry about it. People at Hogwarts have been so accepting."

Timmy nodded but he still looked worried. I could understand his worries though. For a boy, they were judged more on height, especially once they were older. Some girls were shallow enough to overlook a boy because of their height.

Towards the end of July, an owl flew into the kitchen. It was a nice day, so we had the balcony door open. Timmy was down in the pool and I was doing the chores. I had to make sure that the apartment was clean at all times. I wasn't used to doing so much chores, but mum was right when she'd said someday I would have to do it. That was until Ben and me got a House-Elf. The thing was, we probably would need one right away. If I was playing Quidditch and he was a Healer, neither of us would have time. We could do cleaning spells of course, but sometimes they weren't always efficient. Dad had a point when it came to that. Sometimes you actually to scrub yourself to get every bit of dirt.

I was in the middle of my fantasy of my future with Ben when the owl came in. I was surprised at first because not too many people wrote to me with them. Then I figured it must be the Hogwarts letters. However, as I took the letter, I noticed it was an official letter from the Ministry. It was my OWL results. I felt nervous. I hoped that I would see that I got mostly A's and an O in Herbology. I knew not to expect high grades, but I hoped I wouldn't see too many P's.

I pulled out my results and my mouth dropped. I let go of my results and then rubbed my eyes. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be. I did not mostly get T's on my OWLs. I hadn't done well on the exams, but I had expected A's and P's to be my lowest grades. Instead, I got an O in Herbology but A's in Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts and T's on the rest. Even in Care of Magical Creatures I'd gotten a T.

I started to cry. Why did everything bad keep happening to me? Guaranteed my friends with the exception of Ashley got really grades. She probably failed some classes too, but likely she hadn't gotten any T's. Ben had probably gotten mostly O's. As I thought about Ben, my fury from final term returned. This after all was his entire fault!

Not only had he dated Ashley instead of me, he continued to ignore the love we shared and then he hadn't helped me out. Was it some kind of revenge for shagging Stan? He'd told me that he wasn't hurt by it, but why else put me through this? Why else let me get T's on my OWLs. I hurried to my room to grab my parchment. He was finally going to hear it from me. I'd been holding it all back since last September... well, even before then. Ever since he'd rejected me. He was going to be seventeen very soon and he was so immature still when it came to my past relationships. I'd finally confessed how I felt, and he had to use Stan against me.

I wondered if maybe he knew how Ashley felt, and he took advantage of her feelings. He wanted to hurt me because of Stan, so he went for her. Why else would a handsome boy like him go for a girl like her? Another thing I was suddenly finding was odd how she suddenly realized her feelings for him AFTER I'd told him about mine. What if somehow this was some kind of revenge from her too? She knew I'd do anything for her, and so she'd confessed about how she felt about him. Everything he had done for her, like her birthday party for instance to make me jealous.

I believed the two of them had some kind of spark or something, so they used that to hurt me with. They had always been close after all. So they wanted some shagging sessions to get out of their system until Ben could forgive me. She would go back to Denver or maybe she'd go to Jared and Ben would turn to me.

Well, it was ending now. I'd give them almost a year. It should be out of their systems now. They'd gotten their revenge. It was now time for Ben to move on. We would give Ashley some time because I was sure she must have felt something for him. It wasn't love, but she'd been with him long enough. So after a few months, him and me would get together. She would get with Jared and Denver and by Christmas, we'd all be laughing about this.

So I began to write to Ben furiously. I decided to start with a short message first. I knew he'd get angry with me, but I was counting on that. I was ready to tell him that things with him and Ashley were over now. I was fed up with it. Whether it was revenge or not, I really didn't know. I was just coming up with theories after all, their relationship ended today.

Have you gotten your results back yet Ben? I did and I got T's! I failed most of my OWLs. I only got them in Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts and Herbology. This is all your fault you know.

Ben didn't get back to me right away, so I went back to cleaning. I checked my parchment once and a while, but finally about ten minutes or so I got a message back. I could tell he was angry right away.

How exactly is it my fault this time Ellen?

I sighed. How could he not know? That's what got me the most about it. We were in love with each other and he'd rubbed his relationship with Ashley in my face. What was there not to get? He was so hurt by me being with Stan, and now he was doing it to me. How could he ask when the answer was so damn obvious? I'd failed because of their relationship. Dad had a part in it too, but it was mostly because of them!

Well, it was time for him to finally hear it from me. So I told him my exact thoughts.

Because you are dating Ashley! It's me that you should be with and you should accept that already. It's because of you that I am in an emotional mess. You don't understand how hard it was for me to see you two together all year. I am just not okay with it because I know we are meant to be together, and you know it too! I've been waiting for you to see it, but you just won't. I know you don't want to hurt Ashley, but she is strong. She won't react the way she did in second year. I'm sure she even knows it's you and I that should be together. I've been patient all year. I've been waiting for the two of you to get it out of your systems but I can't take it anymore. I want you to break it off with her. We'll both stay single for a little bit just to give her some time. We owe her that at least. She'll understand after a few months. I know we can't jump right into a relationship. So I think maybe we can wait until at least October or November. I've been understanding mostly for her sake all this time, but my patience is running thin. I told her to go for you because you'd rejected me but I knew soon enough that you'd come to your senses. That time is now Ben. Do Ashley a favour and break up with her. You don't want her to be too hurt when we finally get together.

My message disappeared, but he didn't get back to me right away. It seemed about five minutes or so went by and he still didn't get back to me. Was he confessing his love? I felt excited. Perhaps he was writing to Ashley right now to break up with her! We would date in secret. I could break up with Jared and then- but then his message appeared. Now I was even more angry.

Nothing will ever happen between us Ellen, especially now. Get it through that thick skull of yours. You may have gotten T's, but you're not actually as dumb as a Troll. Even if Ashley and me do break up, I still will not date you. I will not go for you because I am tired of you trying to get with me. This is the last time you'll get away with this if you want to salvage our friendship or yours with Ashley. You'd better be truthful with her. She has the right to know.

Was this all about protecting Ashley or what? He was being a fool. How long did he want to carry this out for? Was he really just that delusional? I still believed it had to do with my relationship with Stan. Maybe he was even in denial about our feelings because of Stan.

I wrote back to him that he was such a fool for not realizing it.

Then I am a fool but if you keep this up, we're done as friends. I am fed up with this Ellen. I am not taking it anymore. I am sick of you staring at me and giving me subtle hints all the time. You've had time to get over this since Hogsmeade weekend. You are so damn delusional to the point of insanity. This is going too far, and if you ruin my relationship, we are done for good. I don't want to think that you're a bitch, but maybe you are.

I felt tears in my eyes. Why wasn't he getting it? And what if he did tell Ashley? She couldn't know about this. We were supposed to wait until they'd been broken up for a while, but he wasn't going to do it that way. And now he wanted me to tell her the truth? Was it because he didn't want to be her friend when they broke up? Well, I wanted us to remain friends. He couldn't tell her about this. When they broke up, she had to believe that it was because they grew apart. She could not know my part in it. I knew he didn't mean the bitch part.

So I begged him not to tell her about this.

I won't, but you will. If I find out that you don't, I will tell her myself.

The tears were running down my cheeks now. He wanted to stay with her. He didn't want me. So why had he led me on so much? Even after they got together he'd led me on with Quidditch. This was his fault. If he'd never loved me, he should never have made be believe it. He shouldn't have flirted after they got together. It was because of him that I thought I still had a chance. In reality, it was him betraying her and me! I almost felt as if I hated him. What kind of person led someone on when they had a girlfriend? She wouldn't like this. If he loved her, he wouldn't have done this. She did love him after all.

I sniffled a few times and then wrote back that I would leave him alone, and that I would see him at the pool party. My heart sunk even more when I read the next message. He didn't even want me at the pool party now. He was serious. He didn't want me.

Ellen I think it's best if we just don't talk to each other at all for the rest of the summer. I don't want you there. I'll see you in September. Have a good summer, and remember what I said. Never bring it up again!

Fair enough Ben.

I started to sob really hard. Timmy was the one to find me.

"What's wrong Ellen?" He asked and I felt him put his arms around me.

"Ashley and Ben," and I told him everything.

I expected sympathy from him, but he was just frowning at me. I'd told him more than an eleven-year-old should probably know, but then again I'd understood at his age. I was sure he did too. So why was he looking at me that way?

"Ellen, it's not Ben you're supposed to be with. He loves Ashley and she loves him," Timmy said. "The only one who is delusional is you. How can you still believe it after all these years? He rejected you. You even told her to go for him. You've always noticed the way he's been with her, and yet you think you two should be together because of some moments you had at Quidditch? You both love playing it. That is the only reason you shared something. Outside of Quidditch you two having nothing. You're just friends."

"How do you know all of that?" I demanded.

I'd never told him any of that. Timmy just shrugged. Either he had listened in on my conversations or he'd read my diary.

"Did you read my diary?" I asked and he shook his head but I didn't believe him.

"All I know Ellen is that you live in a fantasy world. I've always seen it between them when they have come over, or at the train station. I was only seven when I realized it. It was the way mum and dad used to look at each other. That's why I knew. He just treated you as a friend," Timmy said.

"You yelled at him once for noticing me in a bikini," I reminded him.

"He is a boy. He was going to notice a girl in a bikini. It doesn't mean he in love with you," Timmy told me.

"You don't know anything, you're eleven!" I retorted.

"Obviously I know more than you Ellen. Ben does not like you. He loves Ashley. I am eleven and I know that. I guess you're just brain dead at fifteen almost sixteen if you don't get it. Besides, when you were crying I saw your OWL results. You got all T's. I guess you are as dumb as a troll. You scores prove it," he said.

"Why are you being mean to me? Why are you taking their side?" I asked. "I'm your sister."

"Because you promised me you wouldn't fail! You promised you'd get over Ben and Ashley to mum. You're not keeping your promises. You only care about yourself. She is your best friend and you don't give a damn about her, you just care about getting Ben. You two will not last! Everyone, even me knows it! I can't always defend you Ellen, especially when I know right from wrong. You are very wrong when it comes to this and you need to get over it. You're going to lose your friends if you don't. I can't believe you'd do that for her after everything she's done for you. You're trying to steal your best friends boyfriend. You cheated on your own boyfriend. You are a horrible person Ellen!" Timmy shouted.

"I'm your sister!" I shouted back at him. "She is just my friend. Without me, you wouldn't be able to even talk to her! You're supposed to be on my side, not hers!"

"This isn't about sides Ellen! And she is my friend. She has always been a big sister to me too. She paid attention to me when you wouldn't!" Timmy shouted back. "Ever since you went to Hogwarts, she has been the one who has acted like a sister to me."

"Really?" I asked. "Who was there for you after the divorce? Who let you sleep in their room when mum and dad were fighting? I've been there for you too Timmy!"

"Maybe in the beginning," Timmy replied. "In you first year and maybe even your second year you tried, but not always. You started to get obsessed with boys and you spent more time with those muggles then me. When you were supposed to be baby-sitting me, you were too busy snogging that Zachary bloke. Any time she has come over in the summers, she spent the time with me because even then you were with him! We always had to cover for you too. I'm not choosing her over you. I just know you're wrong, and you haven't been a good sister to me either."

He looked close to tears now too.

"Timmy, you are eleven," I said. "You don't know about love."

"You don't have to be older to know about love," he retorted to me. "Mum and dad obviously didn't know about it either."

He hadn't cried in front of me in years, but I could see he was ready to. A stray tear escaped from his right eye. He didn't bother to wipe it away.

"I know more than you," I told him.

"No you don't. You didn't keep your promise. You even pinky swore with me that you wouldn't fail but you did it anyway. All you cared about was getting Ben. You put Ben over your grades and you put him over your promise to me! You don't know anything about love Ellen!" He said angrily and then he turned and walked off angrily. I watched him go.

He was very wrong. Everyone, including my own little brother had betrayed me.

Shortly after this, I went to Ashley's and I confessed in my own way about what had happened. I didn't tell her about our argument. I just told her that I was still in love with Ben, and that I wasn't okay with them being together. I was hoping that she would tell me that she would end things with him, but she wouldn't. Instead, she went into some nonsense that she wouldn't be with him if she didn't love him. I didn't want to tell her what to do, but it made me realise that I care more about her than she did me. If she cared, she would end it with him.

Since Ben wouldn't pull the plug, I'd hoped she would, but she wouldn't either. The two of them were so stubborn, and I felt that familiar resentment for her. She seemed too happy while I was miserable. She had everything. She got the boy, she now had a step father who loved her, she was making good money, and she'd even gotten good grades. The only class she'd actually failed was Arithmancy. She could continue with the rest of the classes if she wanted. I hated it.

I wanted her to be the same Ashley that she had been in the first year. That Ashley wouldn't have what she had now. She'd still be whiny and she wouldn't have passed all her classes. In the first year she had struggled so much, but somewhere along the line, she'd gained confidence and she was good at so many classes and other things. I remembered wishing that she had more confidence but now I didn't want her to have any.

It all went back to when Denver had broken up with her. She had been breaking out of her shell slowly back then, but once he dumped her and we pulled her back to reality, she changed. She came back to school after our Easter holidays a new girl and she continued to change. She'd gone from the lonliest in the year (apart from Maisie or even Melanie) to one of the people that a lot of people liked. She was the one who had the party house every year. None of us had imagined that she'd be the one who would be inviting everyone over every year. No had thought her house would be the one everyone wanted to go to. It made sense with Ben because he was rich with a pool, but she had a tiny house and she'd been shy. That had all changed.

Before I had even started at Hogwarts I'd imagined I'd be the popular girl who got the guy. I'd watched some teen movies as a kid. That was what I had imagined my life to be, and it hadn't turned out that way. I was probably one of the prettiest in the year, and yet I had no one. Not even Jared could really be counted as a boyfriend.

Ashley even basically had her career planned out. She already had a meeting with the Minister for Magic! She wanted to talk about opening a school for kids before Hogwarts. She wanted to be a teacher and she wanted to teach the little kids. So she'd managed to make an appointment through Hermione to talk to the Minister! Ben had rubbed on her too much when it came to that. The old Ashley couldn't have done that.

I was so damn jealous of her, but I didn't say any of this. I just continued to be a good friend to her. Everyone could say what they wanted, but I was never a bitch to her. I had many angry thoughts when it came to her, but I remained her friend. I spent a week at her place, and I helped her out with baby-sitting and everything. I reassured her and I didn't tell her to dump Ben. So that had to tell people something. I could have just gone to her place and yelled at her for dating him but I didn't.

Unfortunately, Michael felt the need to tell her about my messages to Ben. I didn't realize it at first. I thought her and me would be good. Even with all my angry thoughts, I still didn't want to lose her as a friend. I didn't care what Ben or even my own brother said. That made me a good friend. I figured I'd done what Ben had told me to do. She knew how I felt, but I was still letting them date even though they shouldn't have been.

So I was surprised to see a message from her one morning towards the end of summer. At first I felt sad that she knew the truth, but then the anger I'd been holding back from her surfaced. This was her fault, and I didn't care what anyone said. She was the one who went for Ben after all. I had confessed to him long before she knew her feelings. She wouldn't have even known how she felt unless I'd told her about Ben. She wouldn't have figured it out even at her birthday party the year before. It wouldn't have mattered if she had without me. I had confessed about my feelings first, and you just didn't go there when it came to friends!

Ellen, how could you tell Ben to dump me for you? I want you to come over on the Knight Bus and explain this to me. You told me that you were still in love with him, but you were going to move on because you knew I loved him. How can you do that to me?

I didn't want to go over. If I did, I might actually hit her and that would definitely be the end of our friendship. As pissed off and jealous of her that I was. I didn't want things to end. So I wrote back to her.

You're the one who is betraying me Ashley. You went for him even though you knew how I felt!

Ellen, you told me to go for him. Remember that? I wasn't going to because of you. You were the one who insisted that I talk to him. You were the one who kept telling me that I was the mystery girl. I was prepared to put my feelings aside for you.

It doesn't matter! You shouldn't have gone for him at all! It is Ben and me who is meant to be together. The only reason I did it was because I wanted you to be happy. I knew you two wouldn't last though. Now I am fed up with it. I gave you almost a year with him. I know you crave male intimacy so bad that you'll do anything. You shagged Jared and then you almost took puking pustilles to make Ben happy. You're pathetic Ashley! You'd do anything for a boy to like you because you know that you're too ugly for most.

Ellen, the only one who is pathetic is you. You would do anything to be with Ben even though he isn't interested. You are so delusional when it comes to him. Even if I wasn't with him, he still wouldn't be with you. Ben and I could get into a big fight tomorrow and break up for good and he still won't want you! How can you not figure this out after all this time? If he was in love with you like you thought he was, he would have gotten with you in the fourth year when you confessed.

It's because I was with Stan and he was jealous you dung brain!

Yes Ellen, that must be it... continue to live in denial but you're going to end up losing everyone.

Fuck you Ashley.

Same to you Ellen.

I was shaking by the end of it. We'd never talked to each other that way before. By this point, I didn't know if things could work out between us, but at the same time, I didn't know if I wanted them to either.

I wrote to Ben next with anger. I wasn't sure if he would respond back or not. Not only because I knew he was angry but because both Ashley and Michael told me that he spent all his time with his new niece, Minnie. This was something else that bothered me. I'd missed Minnie's birth. That was supposed to be my future niece and Ashley had been there instead of me. I'd just heard from Ben's father about it who had written to everyone about it. I just got a message saying: Tasha had the baby. They named her Minnie Allison Hoofer. It was so generic that I knew he had sent the same message to everyone. As Ben's future wife, it was so wrong to exclude me from such an important family event.

Thanks a lot for telling Ashley. I was planning to tell her everything, but I guess you wanted your revenge on me. I know you're angry with me Ben, but that was no reason to betray me. We've been friends for almost six years. I was your very first friend at Hogwarts, and yet you continue to put her first. If it hadn't been for me, you two would not be friends. You two would not be dating right now if it hadn't been for me. I'm the one who really put the group together, and all three of you seem to be betraying me.

I was including Michael in that too. I was sure somehow he was involved too. He was living back and forth between them. He knew what was going on after all. He didn't even feel the need to warn me. He was supposed to be in love with me. He should have told me.

It did take a while for Ben to get back to me. I hoped this time I would get a message full of love and apologies. By this point he had to be feeling bad. He'd gotten his revenge. Ashley and me were fighting. He must have known he'd gone too far. Unfortunately, he still didn't get it.

Quit bringing up the fact that we were friends first. None of that even matters. The four of us have been friends since first year. We have friends outside of our group. I'm loyal to anyone who I am friends with. You aren't number one in my life just because we met on the train. I put Ashley first because she is my GIRLFRIEND. You know that she was also my BEST FRIEND before that. It wasn't because of when we met, but because of how I felt about her. It doesn't mean that I liked you any less. I just saw you as my friend Ellen.

I also did not betray you. You promised you would talk to her but I think you were just going to put it behind us. You gave her some bullshit story about how you're in love with me, but you were going to move on. You didn't bother to tell her about the rest of our conversation, and she had the right to know. She's supposed to be YOUR best friend. You were ready to betray your best friend to be with me, just as you were ready to dump Stan for me. You never stop Ellen. You don't care who you hurt as long as you can be with me, and that's why you are not a good friend or a good girlfriend. You have some growing up to do before you get in a relationship.

You are just disloyal bitch and I don't get how you were sorted into Hufflepuff. You talk about how Melanie should never have been sorted there, but I think the two of you are cut from the same cloth. Sometimes I think you would have been better off in Slytherin, and we should have had Claire instead of you. She fits into our house better than you do. I'd even take TARA over you. You once told me that the Ravenclaws are backstabbers, and if it weren't fact that you're stupid, I think you could have been sorted there. You'd get along well with girls such as Lydia, Tara and Natalie.

I knew the last bit he'd added to hurt me. It was so obvious. I remembered back in Hogsmeade when he'd told me I was a shag and dump but then he apologized later. He'd told me that he just wanted to hurt me because he'd been angry. He was doing it again. This time it seemed to be a watered down version of it. It was as if his heart wasn't in it this time. Maybe he was slowly softening. The rest of his message bothered me though. I was the love of his life, so I was supposed to come first in his life. The thing was, he didn't want to hurt Ashley. That was the problem right there. I didn't like it either, but we had to do what we had to do. She was a very strong girl and would move on. I knew she would.

So I wrote:

Yeah right Ben. I know what you're doing. It's what you did that day in Hogsmeade but I don't believe it this time. You're pissed off at me, and maybe you have the right to be but I don't believe you'd take Tara over me. I also know that you don't think I am stupid. You've been telling me since first year that I am very smart. I guess you're not trying too hard to hurt me this time, it doesn't seem as if your heart is in it. I still think you're just denying how you feel about me. I get it. You don't want to hurt Ashley, and neither do I but it's you who said it yourself. Sometimes you have to follow your heart, and that's what I am doing and it's what you should do.

I crossed my fingers as I waited for his next message. I expected him to tell me that I was right, and he would find the right time to do it. He would tell me I needed to be patient a bit longer. He would say that she would be angry for a while, but we could eventually try and talk to her later. I knew neither one of us wanted to lose her forever.

Instead he wrote:

No, I did follow my heart Ellen. I am with Ashley, and I told you already to stop bringing it up. I guess it's another thing I will have tell Ashley since you won't. You're just a coward. By the way, it wasn't me who told Ashley, but Michael. He knew how angry I'd been and he felt she had the right to know since you didn't want her to know.

How could he call me a coward? He was the one who'd wanted to sugarcoat it all. He'd wanted me to tell her instead. They'd hung out all summer and he hadn't said a word to her. If he actually loved her as much as he said he did, he would have told her. If it were me, I'd tell the love of my life that her friend was trying to ruin my relationship.

Ha ha I am the coward? Right. You didn't tell her either Ben. You just wanted to sweep it under the rug.

By that point, I figured he'd tell me that I was right. He was a coward and he hadn't wanted to hurt her by following his heart. He remained stubborn though.

I think that's the other way around Ellen. You didn't want a conflict with Ashley. You told me not to tell her. Are you forgetting that part? Are you forgetting why you messaged me today in the first place? According to you, I am betraying you because you thought I'd told her. Now apparently I am a coward because I didn't tell her. Ellen, you can be too much sometimes. You are just upset because she now knows, and you're taking it out on her and me. She hasn't done anything wrong. You were the one who wanted who wanted to sweep things under the rug.

How could he say that she hadn't done anything wrong? She was doing something wrong right now by being with him! She was the one who stole my future husband.

She hasn't done anything wrong? She went for you when she knew I wanted you! She is the one who betrayed me first!

Ellen, we aren't having that conversation again. Look I am done talking to you. All I have to say is that you should take a good look in the mirror Ellen. Everything that you accuse Ashley, me or even Michael of are things you do yourself. I'm done talking to you now.

Yeah well I am still going to your pool party. Your mum and dad personally invited me.

I knew the last bit was childish. I could go to the party and have it out with them there. Ben would realize he was in the wrong and we'd be together.

No you're not. My parents don't want you here either. If you show up here, I will get one of my sisters or Barry to disapparate you home. I told you already; I don't want to see you until we go back to school. Now after this conversation, and the fight you had with Ashley, I don't even want to talk to you at school. Find someone else to hang out with because none of us want anything to do with you anymore.

He'd actually done it. He'd ended our friendship. I could tell with this message that he actually was serious. It wasn't to make me jealous or to warn me. He was being serious. He actually done it. He'd chosen Ashley over me.

I don't want to talk to the three of you either. You, Ashley and Michael all betrayed me. Michael had no right to tell her, and I don't get why you had to tell him. If you want to talk about someone not belonging in Hufflepuff, maybe you yourself should take a good look in the mirror. You're ending a five year friendship for your girlfriend. You always said you wouldn't pick a girl over your friends, but I guess you lied about that one.

I waited for his response with this one, but it never came. He was ignoring me now. Had I really been the delusional one all this time? I didn't want to believe it, but why else was he so stubborn about it? He'd picked her over me, and now he didn't want anything to do with me because of my persistence.

I wrote down Michael's number next. He shouldn't have told her. Why would he do that when he loved me. I knew sometimes he had resentment for her. So why would he do this to me?

Michael, how could you betray me like that? You told Ashley about the conversation between Ben and me. Why would you do that?

She had the right to know that her best friend was trying to steal her boyfriend.

I liked him first Michael.

But he didn't like you back. He wanted her and she wanted him. They were prepared to ignore their feelings for you, but you told them that it was fine with you if they dated. Ever since then, you've been trying to break them up. Stop blaming everyone except yourself Ellen. I am not getting involved with your drama.

You're supposed to be in love with me.

That doesn't mean I am going to let you betray you friends. At the moment I am wondering why I have been for so long. I'm not going to go behind their backs for you. I'm sorry Ellen. Be angry with me all you want but you're the one in the wrong here. Say what you want and insult me all you want, but I am not sorry.

Stupid asshole prat. We shouldn't have taken you off of probation in second year!

Michael didn't write back to me after this. I was friendless. The only person I had left with was Jared, but Michael had felt the need to Jared about our fight for some reason. I suppose maybe because I hurt his feelings and he wanted revenge on me. Sometimes Jared and I rented a room in the Leaky Cauldron to shag. I couldn't do it at my place after all. He took me there shortly before Ben's pool party to have sex and then he dumped me. Jared had done the shag and dump to me, and all because of Ben and Ashley.

I'd never felt so low in my life. Everyone was so angry with me, including my mum and brother. They were both disappointed by my OWLs and they were upset because they said I was giving attitude. I had told mum all about my fight and she was on their side, not mine. She told me I needed to grow up instead. She told me that everyone was telling me the same thing and that I refused to listen.

"I don't even care what you do anymore Ellen," mum said. "You seem determined to ruin your life and nothing I say or do can change that. Your father is very disappointed too."

"I don't give a damn if he is disappointed!" I said angrily. "He has a new family now after all. Don't even try to bring him in this conversation. You told me that you understood me."

"I did understand you Ellen, but this behaviour is getting out of hand. You're not willing to change. I have tried to help you all summer, but you won't get past this Ben and Ashley incident. Now you are lashing out at your friends, me and your brother. I can't deal with it anymore. You're on your own from now on," she told me.

"Maybe if you'd tried to work on your marriage with dad, he wouldn't have a new family and I wouldn't be doing this!" I shouted at her. "It's your fault!"

"Ellen, just go to your room. You're grounded for the rest of the summer," she said to me.

"So now even my own mother is betraying me," I said. "No wonder you're single."

And I stomped off to my room. I decided to write to the other Hufflepuff's in our year about Ashley and Ben. They had to understand, especially Melanie. She would probably be my friend and Ashley and Ben would regret how they'd treated me. However, Keith was the only one who was nice to me. The rest of them told me not to bother talking to them. Melanie didn't even write back to me.

Stan had written:

Ellen, you wanted to dump me for Ben and now you want me to be on your side? Fuck off and don't talk to me.

No one wanted to hang out with me except for Keith. He was the very last person on my side.

I don't want to talk about this right now Ellen. Sit with us on the train when we go back to school. I'll see you on September the first. Don't let the fight get you down.

I couldn't believe that I only had one friend left. Everyone hated me just because I was in love with Ben. What was it about Ashley that made everyone want to be on her side? My own family was on her side over mine. No one cared about me or understood me. Someday they'd all regret it.

On the first day of school, Timmy even went as far as trying to talk to Ben and Michael. I yelled at him for it, and it was me who mum yelled at.

"Ellen I have had enough of this! Your attitude is starting to get old. That's not the way someone should talk to her friends. You know that I promised Ashley's mother that I'd get her to school-" Mum started.

"I can't believe you're taking their sides over mine. I am your daughter!" I interrupted.

"This isn't about sides Ellen. This is about your school work and your attitude. I've known those kids since they were Timmy's age. I also know that they didn't do anything wrong. You and Ben were never meant to be. It's time you move on and grow up. I never thought I'd be this disappointed in you. You're better than the person you've turned into this summer," mum said to me. "Now get on the train. I really hope I see a different attitude from you by the Christmas holidays."

"If I even come home," I told her.

"Well when you come home then," she responded. "Have a good term Ellen," and then she turned her back on me to talk to Timmy some more.

So I grabbed my trunk and went onto the train in search of Keith. It didn't take me long to find him. He and Dan were sitting across from each other in a compartment not too far from my usual one. Ashley and me had made a pact to get the same compartment every year. I knew they\d already claimed that one, so I didn't even bother to check. I entered their compartment and Keith helped put my trunk away. I sat beside him and smiled.

"You get prettier every time I see you," he said to me.

It was nice to get a compliment for once instead of an insult. Dan was staring at me but I couldn't read him. He knew all about Ashley and Ben and I knew he'd supported their relationship. So it was hard to tell what he was thinking at the moment. I was sure he knew everything.

I wanted to start complaining about Ashley and Ben right away, but the two of them instantly started talking about Quidditch instead. I was hoping to hear that Ashley and Ben had broken up, or they would soon. The other day, I'd told Ben all about the Puking Pustilles and the weight loss. I'd told him that I'd kept it secret. I used it as a way to rub it in his face. I told him he'd made his girlfriend so insecure that she'd almost became Bulimic. He'd never written back, but I knew he was angry. I was sure it would cause an argument between them soon enough.

I was thinking about this while the two of them talked. I was quiet for most of the train ride because of this.

"You sure are quiet Ellen," Keith said. "Normally you talk up a storm."

"I'm just thinking about Ben and Ashley and their betrayal," I said.

"Of course you are," Dan said and he rolled his eyes. I glared at him but he glared back.

"They have turned everyone against me! All three of them are just backstabbers. They're even trying to turn my own little brother against me," I said.

"Ellen I know you don't believe that for a moment," Keith said to me. "I know you're angry and hurt but they're your friends."

"You need to move on from Ben," Dan added. "It's Ashley and Ben who are meant to be together."

"Everyone keeps saying that," I said angrily. Why couldn't they see it was me who was meant to be with Ben?

"And you know it's true," Dan said. "You just don't like the fact that Ashley got the guy. You hate it that you were rejected. I've heard some of the things you've said in the common room. Everyone has always known about your love triangle. We all know you don't think the less attractive girl should get the guy. That is what bothers you about the Ashley and Ben situation. It's not because you're in love with him that you're angry, it's because Ashley won."

I was sick of people saying this. It's true. It's the exact reason why you are so angry, and you know it! A voice too similar to Ashley said to me. You've admitted it enough times already.

"Exactly," Keith said. "One of these days you're going to realize that it's not Ben you want, but someone else. So can we please stop talking about this? I don't feel right bad-mouthing them but I don't like being harsh with you either. Please don't make us choose sides Ellen. We're your friends and we are friends with them."

"You're the one who told me that you wanted to talk about this today," I reminded Keith.

"Because I wanted to have my say on the matter face to face and not on the parchment. You know that I am willing to be a friend to you. I've proven that enough times, but Ellen, I can't take this Ashley and Ben bashing anymore," Keith said to me.

"Why? You'll just do what everyone else has done and stop talking to me" I asked with worry. I could lose Keith too.

"No, but I won't talk about it. I'll just ignore you when you do bring it up. I can see that you need a friend, so I won't stop being your friend. I just want you to stop mentioning that. So let's just talk about something else. Are you going to retake your OWLs this year?"

And the subject was closed. I was too scared to bring up Ashley and Ben again. I would have to just think about it to myself. I didn't want to anyone else, so I would have to just keep it to myself from now on. For the time being, I did need a friend and I did like Keith a lot. So I just told Keith that I was taking just three classes that year. I noticed him and Dan relax after this.

Timmy was sorted into Hufflepuff. I wasn't happy about this at all. I'd expected him to be a Gryffindor. I just hoped that he would keep his word that he'd stay away from me. He'd already tried talk to me on the train and I'd told him off for it. I hoped he would take the hint and stay away from me unless he really needed to talk to me.

The next day, we couldn't go to class right away. Professor Sprout had to make sure that we had the right grades to continue into NEWT level. That year I would have so much free time with only three classes. Last year, Professor Sprout had told me I'd need at least five classes to stay on the Quidditch team, but I was such a good player that I knew she would make an exception for me.

It did bother me to know that she'd made Ben the Captain. I knew it had to be him because it always went to the oldest people on the team, and the ones who played the longest. Obviously she had given it to him because he made good grades. I was upset about this because she knew I needed it. It was something I planned to talk to her about in private eventually.

I sat with Keith and watched as she made everyone's schedule. I hated being in the P's, but at the same time at least I could see what everyone would take. Ashley decided to keep every single class she'd gotten an OWL in. I could see Ben look at her with annoyance when she even took Divination. He disagreed with her keeping it. He'd wanted her to drop it after the third year, but she wouldn't. Maybe that would lead to a fight and a break up.

No one got up after their schedule was made, and I wondered why. At the other house tables, the sixth years were all leaving. I had a feeling that they all wanted to see what would happen when Professor Sprout talked to me. They all knew that I'd gotten mostly T's. I found that to be a rather crude way to get revenge on me

Finally, she walked over to me and she was staring at me with such disappointment. I recognised that look all too well. I'd gotten it a lot lately.

"Now Ms. Perenge, I was very disappointed in your OWLs. I know you can do better," she said to me. I was so sick of everyone saying that to me. Maybe I could do better, but I hadn't! I wanted just three classes and they could all get over that. Students were still accepted into Charms and Defense as long as they had an A. If I could, I'd just stick to Herbology. I knew mum wouldn't like it, so I was taking the other two just to please her.

"I'm fine with the classes I want to take," I told her defiantly. "I can take Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts and Herbology. I want to be a professional Quidditch player."

"I'm afraid you need at least five classes to stay on the team," Professor Sprout answered. "I've told you this already. I told you last year during your careers consultation-"

"But I don't see why!" I exclaimed. None of those classes had anything to do with playing Quidditch after all.

"Ms. Perenge, I am sorry but school work comes before any extracurricular activities. You know that. It's not just Quidditch but any clubs you participate in at Hogwarts. It's required for NEWT level that you have at least five classes if you want to remain on any team. My recommendation to you is that you take OWLs in Potions and Transfiguration as well," she told me.

I didn't want to take any fifth year class again! Not only because it was embarrassing to be taking a class with the younger years but because it was too stressful. I didn't want to go through that with even one class let alone two. I most definitely didn't want Transfiguration again. I knew enough in the class. I didn't need to know anymore. If I did, I could look it up and practice on my own.

"I don't want to go through all that again though," I told her. "Last year was so stressful."

"Either you pick two or more classes or you won't be able to rejoin the team," Professor Sprout said not backing down.

"I'm not taking Transfiguration again," I told her. "I'll take Potions again; I don't mind Potions at all. That's it. I don't want any other class. Four should be enough."

I could do Potions well enough, I just hadn't tried last year. I was sure with just one OWL class I could do just fine. So I would take it, but I didn't want two OWL classes.

"You need one more my dear, if you don't want Transfiguration again then I can't convince you but you must pick another one," Professor Sprout replied.

Now I knew why I hadn't been chosen for captain. It was because I'd failed. I was angry though because he just played for fun, I didn't. It shouldn't have mattered to her, especially if she was making me take five classes anyway.

"So this is why you chose Ben as captain instead of me!" I retorted. She was ruining my career over something so silly. Quidditch scouts would not care that I got T's in my classes. "I'm the better Quidditch player, and yet you chose him as team captain! You know that it would look better for me if I get it since I actually want to go on professionally," and for the first time, I looked down at him to glare. I'd been avoiding looking at my friends since the day before. I'd even called Ashley a slag the night before. She'd gone off to Ben afterwards which was pathetic. "But of course he got it, he always gets what he wants!"

The last bit was a shot at him about the fact that he was rich kid. His parents spoiled him after all. I waited for him to glare back but he just looked indifferent. He raised his eyebrows and that was it. Everyone else was staring at me as well. I wished they'd all leave for class.

"Ms. Perenge, we will discuss this later. Right now I want you to think about the other class you want to take. In the meantime, I am going to finish with everyone else," Professor Sprout said now looking annoyed with me. "You can remain behind."

"I'm taking Care of Magical Creatures then," I told her. Care of Magical Creatures was a bird course after all. I'd only failed because I'd ignored it completely. "Those are the five classes I want to take."

"That's fine my dear, but I still want you to remain behind while I finish making everyone else's schedules," she told me and then she looked down the table at everyone else. "Those who have their new schedules can go on now."

I wanted to go with them. I didn't want a lecture. I sat back angrily and folded my arms. I was so tired of everyone lecturing me about how wrong I was. No one wanted to see it from my point of view.

Everyone but Keith got up to leave. He didn't want to leave my side. Dan turned to look at him with confusion, but Keith just shook his head. I watched as my classmates all left. Professor Sprout didn't say anything to him, she just moved on to the next person. Finally, it was just Keith and me left.

"Mr. Edwards, kindly go wait for Ms. Perenge in the Entrance Hall," she told him. So she'd understood that he wanted to stick with me. Keith stood up and gave my arm a squeeze before he turned to leave. Once he was gone, she sat beside me.

"Ellen, you are so much better than the girl you've been acting like lately," she said to me.

"You don't know anything-" I began but she held up a hand to stop me.

"I know enough. As I told you years ago when your friend Ashley went through her break up, we teachers hear a lot more than you realize. That being said, I wanted more than anything to give you that badge. I was so disappointed to see that I couldn't, but I can't make that exception Ellen. You are one of the best players I've seen since Ginny Weasley started, or even Harry Potter when he started in his first year. No one is denying that you are a good player, but you have to keep your marks up as well. I absolutely cannot allow you to stay on the team with three classes. I am glad you are taking five now, but you can't let your grades slip. Unfortunately, if you slack off this year I can't let you stay on the team. So you're going to have to work hard," she told me.

"It will be easier with five classes," I told her and this was true enough. I could keep my marks up with just five.

"It's not just the school marks Ellen. It's everything else. I've known you since you were eleven-years-old. I know that you are smarter and I know that you are a better person than this. I am sorry your heartbroken, and I am sorry about your parents divorce, but honey, you can't let it jeopardise your future. The next two years will be very important. You won't be able to behave this way when you're an adult. If you act this way at any job, you will be fired. No one will be lenient with you once you're on your own. I have been, but maybe I shouldn't have been. I was hoping maybe you'd grow up a little, but after I saw your grades, I realized that I had to be more harsh with you. So from now on, you need to be getting A's and E's on your assignments or you're off the team. I will have to give you more detentions as well. It looks to me that you have a good friend in Mr. Edwards, which is why I let him remain behind. I'd say for you to allow him to help you," she said.

Everyone else had given me this same lecture, or almost similar. For some reason when it came to her, it made me want to cry and not because I was feeling sorry for myself like the other times. This time it was because I knew she was right. Everyone else it had come from it seemed condescending but not with her, and I didn't know why.

"Give yourself a few moments to collect yourself and then get to class. I can send Keith back in here if you'd like. I need to get to my first class. Ellen honey, I want you to think about what I said. I want to see you pass your classes and succeed in life. It doesn't matter what you do, I just want to see that success," she told me.

She gave me a small pat and then stood up again. No one was in the Great Hall now. The teachers had all left for class. I was the remaining person, and I didn't feel like moving yet. I had Charms first, but I wasn't ready to go. I was sure my fellow sixth years would be judging me. Keith joined me moments later.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

"Everyone has been right about me," I said to him. "I've been so damn delusional lately. Ben even told me it was to the point of insanity and he was right. Every single rejection he gave me I tried to justify it with another reason. I came up with all sorts of theories about everything and they were all wrong. Some were even over the top... and the worst thing is that deep down I knew it was true. I knew that Ben loved Ashley and she loved him, but I kept it going. Now I've lost them and everyone else."

"You haven't lost me and you won't," Keith told me and he leaned over to kiss me.

Every time I kissed someone, I thought I felt sparks, or that one was better than another. The way it felt when Keith kissed me was the way I'd imagined it to be with Ben. And I realised what mum had told me was true. I was in love with him. I didn't know if it was at the same level as Ben, but I really did feel something for him. Maybe it wasn't even love yet, but I felt it could be potential. I felt that the man who was kissing me now could be the one who could help me move on from Benjamin Hoofer. I just hoped this was a relationship that I wouldn't ruin. I was determined that Keith would not dump me because of Ben.

"You've always liked me haven't you?" I asked him. "That's why you were always sticking up for me."

"Since first year when we first started talking," Keith told me. "Dan told me you'd never notice me, but I guess I was like you with Ben or Michael with you. I couldn't let it go. I won't let you go either. I hope you'll give me a chance."

I kissed him now. "Does that answer your question?" I asked after I pulled away and he smiled at me.

We gazed into each others eyes, and I didn't want to go to Charms now. I just wanted to sit there and talk to him.

"Professor Sprout would probably be angry if we don't get going," I told him.

"She told me we were dismissed from Charms," he said. "We have to go to our other classes, but I think she wanted me to talk to you. We can stay here and talk or go back to the common room. Professor Flitwick will just be teaching us to learn basic spells non-verbally. She said to find out from Dan which spell and to get the assignment from him. It's just an introductory class, so she said we'd be fine."

"Good," I said. "I'm not ready to go yet."

After a few days of dating Keith, I could see he truly did love me more than any of the other boys I'd been with. I didn't understand how he could after just a few days. Sure I knew he'd been in love with me since first year, but he loved me despite my obsession with Ben anyway. He also knew about my past and he didn't care. I couldn't understand why and so I had to ask.

"Keith, how can you still feel the same way about me that you always have? I am such a bitch and I've been obsessed with Ben for so long. You know everything that I've done. Everyone who is pissed off at me doesn't know the half of it, but you do! You still want to be with me despite all of that," I said to him.

"I don't think you're a bitch, and I told you, I've always liked you. I just didn't think I had the chance," he said.

"That's not why you're with me now? You're just with me because you're finally getting a chance. You can do better than me," I told him.

"I don't want to do better, and no that's not why. I've wanted a chance with you Ellen, but if I thought you were a bitch, I wouldn't be with you. I just know that the way you have been isn't you. I know how you truly are, and that's the Ellen that I do love," Keith said.

"But I've slept with so many different boys and I am in love with someone else," I told him.

"I don't care about any of that," he said. "Ellen, you are an amazing girl. I love you. I don't care about your past or the fact that you think you love Ben. I know that you don't. I am prepared to stay with you until you realize it, even if it's ten years from now."

And that's when I had my true wake up call and I wanted to cry again. Right here in front of me was someone who would always love me no matter what. He was still there with me when everyone else was angry with me. He was the one person to stick by me. And then it truly did hit me. Mum and Dan were right. I had wanted Keith for a while, but I couldn't see it. I just couldn't handle that Ben had rejected me for Ashley.

Keith was right too when I really thought about it. I had fallen in love with that fantasy all those years ago. I didn't want Ben. When I thought about Ben telling me that he wanted me now, I didn't want it. I wanted to be with Keith and not him. I had probably been over him for a long time. I had just been so upset by him rejecting me, and knowing that it was likely Ashley who'd he wanted. It was why I had pushed them together because deep down, I knew I didn't want him. Even those what if potions had told me.

It seemed so messed up that all this time it was the rejection I'd hated. I'd always believed that the prettier girl should win, just as Dan had said. I'd even admitted that so many times over the past years.

How was it possible that I'd been that delusional? It had been to the point that I was almost a psycho girlfriend like Melanie had been, and that made me feel icky. Everything that I had done over the past two or three years for Ben was so insane. I'd cheated on Stan because of his rejection. I'd shagged his cousin so I could pretend I was with him. I'd pretended my past boyfriends had been him. I'd ruined all my friendships for him. I'd been so willing to let Ashley and Stan be heartbroken so I could have him.

Why had it taken Keith's love for me to realize it?

"I'm such a terrible person," I said.

"No, you're not Ellen," Keith said. "You just lived in a fantasy that's all."

"Well not anymore," I said. "Keith, I know it might seem odd to you given everything, but I think it's you that I have loved for so long. Remember last year in the library? Well even then I knew it but I denied it. It was you that I always wanted around last year even when I was in a bad mood. I'd left the common room so angry and I wanted to be alone until I saw you. It was just your company I wanted and then I told you my whole life story. I did it because I trusted and loved you. I was hoping you'd still like me even knowing all that, but I didn't realize it at the time. I was just too focused on my jealousy. Dan said it was the rejection I hated, and he was right."

"I was hoping for that, and Dan told me that I was just seeing signs that weren't there, but I didn't think so," Keith said. "I've thought about that night in the library quite a bit. I should have spoken up but I couldn't. Maybe things would have turned out differently for you."

"It's better that they didn't," I told him.

I knew that I needed everything to happen to wake me up. I needed to fail my OWLs. I needed to fight with all my friends (and I hoped we'd make up) I needed to basically hit rock bottom to figure it out. I'd been nothing but a shallow ignorant bitch and it took all of that to figure it out. I felt horrible thinking about it all either way.

"I don't know if I agree with that," Keith said when I told him all this. "I don't think you needed to go through all that. I think it's a shame that you had to. I could see how stressed you were and all I wanted to do was make things right for you, but you wouldn't let me."

"Exactly," I said. "I wouldn't let you. I probably wouldn't have given you an easy time last year Keith. No, as much as I hated it, I needed to go through that stress and everything else. Sometimes with some people, they do have to hit bottom to understand because the only way you go is up. Now I plan to go up again. I need to work hard on school and make up with my friends," and then I leaned over to kiss him. "And I need to make you as happy as possible. You never go through what I put Hank, Greg, Devon and Stan went through... oh and Jared. I forgot to tell you. I'm sorry about that."

Keith laughed. "Ellen, you are a piece of work you know that. I guess that's why I love you so much. You don't need to be sorry."

"I've told you everything else. I should have told you about Jared. It's just we decided to keep it secret," I said. "He dumped me because of my obsession with Ben too. He did the shag and dump to me."

"He shouldn't have done that," Keith said. "No matter what you did, it doesn't justify what he did. He knew what he was getting into when he got with you. It's the same with me."

"But you won't go through that," I said. "You will be getting my full attention from now on. You might actually get sick of me if my friends still ignore me."

"Somehow I doubt that Ellen," Keith said.

As the days went on, it seemed hard for me to believe that I had never loved Ben. I had obsessed over him for years. I'd felt heartbroken for so long. I didn't get it. How could I have felt all of that when I'd never wanted him?

Now my thoughts were always on Keith. I would see Ashley and Ben holding hands or kissing, and I felt nothing. After a year of feeling sad about them, I felt nothing. I still didn't understand it, but I did feel relieved about that. A lot of the time Ashley didn't even sleep in our dorm, she was usually in Ben's bed, and in the past I hated knowing where she actually was. Now I felt no jealousy, but I did wish to get her alone to talk to her.

The only anger I really felt at first was with Ben because he was captain. At first I would be rude to him about this, but he just ignored me. A couple of times he even made me fly laps. It wasn't right that it was him holding try-outs and conducting our practices, but by the end of the second week I gave up. He wasn't giving in to my anger as he had in the past. He just ignored me. I was worried he even hated me.

Keith was basically the only highlight in my life. I missed my friends so much it hurt. Timmy tried to talk to me a couple of times, but I always told him to go away. I knew I was being mean, but I just didn't want to hang out with him and his first year friends. Even if I hadn't gone through what I had, I'd still react the same way. I wanted him to have his life and I wanted to have my life.

I did end up writing home to mum to apologize. It was something I should have done a while ago. I told her the truth about everything. She had the right to know. I felt guilty when I thought about how I'd blame the divorce on her or how I'd said that she was single for a reason. It was a very long letter to her. I told her that I loved her that she'd done an amazing job with both Timmy and me. I told her that it was amazing how she'd been able to put up with me as well.

I started to cry with happiness when she got back to me. She told me she loved me too, and that she was glad to see that I'd finally figured things out.

As for the rest of it Ellen, well, it does come with being a mum to a teen. It could be a lot worse. I do wish you'd take more OWLs but I won't pressure you. I love you so much honey and I am glad that you are with Keith now. I'll see you at Christmas.

I hoped that when I had kids I could be half as good as she was.


	13. Once You Hit Bottom You Can Only Go Up

Once You Hit Bottom You Can Only Go Up

The last Saturday in September, Keith, Dan and me were all working together on a Defense assignment outside when three owls flew over to us. We all looked at each other with confusion before we took our letters. Why were we all getting letters? It seemed odd. Was this something that happened with sixth years? I ripped open the envelope to find that it was an invitation. Ashley was throwing Ben a surprise lake party that night.

"Sounds like fun," Dan said as he read through it. "I'm surprised she is allowed."

"Usually teachers let you when you ask permission," I told him. "Remember we did that in first year for Michael? I talked to Professor Sprout about it. You two said that Ben had that party for Ashley for her seventeenth in the summer. She is doing the same for him now but by the lake. I imagine Professor Sprout is behind it too. You two didn't know about this at all?"

They both shook their heads.

"Well either she invited all the sixth years or she truly wants me there," I said. "Keith, I have to go find Ashley. I have to talk to her. I should have made up with her a long time ago, but I need to make things right before his party. I owe him that much."

"Go on then," Keith said. "I'm glad you're finally talking to her. If I know Ashley, I know that she will forgive you, especially now."

"I'll see you two at the party then," I said and I gathered up my books and stood up.

I needed to find her right away. Unfortunately, I couldn't right away. She was likely setting up for the party though. I put my books away and then wandered the corridors and the grounds. Finally late in the afternoon when I returned to the common room, I saw her going into the girls dorms so I hurried after her.

I had to give her a good apology. I would understand if she didn't want anything to do with me though. I'd told her boyfriend to dump her for me. I don't know if I could forgive someone if they did that with Keith. I'd only been with him for a month, but I couldn't imagine being with anyone but him. I loved him. As odd as it sounded since I was only sixteen and we hadn't been together long, I knew I loved him now.

Michael and the boys weren't too far away. I hurried over to them first. It was mainly Michael who I wanted to talk to, but I wanted the others to hear as well. Both Jared and Stan glared when I approached them. Hank, Joey and Brad just stared at me indifferently. Dan and Keith who had joined them at some point already knew of course.

"I'm going to go apologize to her," I told Michael. "But I owe you an apology too."

"It's about time," Michael said. "But you don't know me an apology. I knew you were emotional. I was just waiting for you to talk to me. I didn't feel I needed to chase you. If you want to make it up to us, help out with Ben's party. It's an important one."

"I will," I told him and I hurried away.

Ashley was putting party decorations from her trunk when I entered. I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. She looked at me and I was surprised to see that there was no anger in her eyes. She looked more curious than anything.

"I just got one of these," I said and I held up the invitation. "I suppose this party was your idea. Are you sure I can go?"

"It's for anyone in sixth year," she answered. "Ben had a nice party for me for my seventeenth. I wanted to do the same for him."

"I'm sorry I missed it," I said honestly. It was the day that all four of us had talked about since the first year. I'd missed one of the most important days of a young witches life. She was my best friend. I just hoped I could make it up to her later, especially once she saw my gift. I'd ordered her a watch at the beginning of the summer. It was one that witches always got when they came of age. Wizards got a male version of it. I was sure no one else had gotten one for her. "I should have been there. We always said we'd all celebrate our seventeenth birthdays together. I missed out on yours. I thought I'd miss out on Bens as well."

"But that was your choice," she said. "You could have been at mine, and you can be at Ben's tonight. Instead you had to tell Ben to dump me for you, and then insult me when I got upset with you for it. I had every reason to be angry with you. You should be over Ben by now. We've been together for a year now."

I should have been over it longer than that, but I didn't say it. There was no point in going over that again. I knew I had to tell her the truth though. Would she even believe me?

"I am over Ben," I told her. "But you're right. I'm just as bad as Michael when it comes to stress. There's so much going on in my life right now, and like an idiot I took it out on you guys. I took it out on Ben about my OWLs when I got my results and I had to stupidly blame him and tell him to dump you when I knew he wouldn't. I'm well aware of every stupid thing I did. I've been thinking about it a lot the past month-" and then I looked at the invitation "-and then I got this today. I wanted to apologize for the past weeks but I was scared. When I got this invitation today, I knew I had to apologize to all of you. I saw you come into the girls dorms, so I followed you."

"Well I am glad to hear that," she told me and she pulled out more decorations before she shut her trunk. "Can you help me with these? If you want to show Ben how sorry you are, you should help us set up the party."

I stared at her with shock. I could tell all was okay. But how could it be? We'd basically ended our friendship and now she wanted me to help her. I could tell from the look the happy look that she was giving me that we were friends again. How could she forgive me so easily?

"That's all?" I asked. "I mean you're not going to yell at me or make me beg? You're just forgiving me. You're just ready to be friends again?"

"I'm not willing to throw away five years of friendship," she answered. "What is yelling at you going to accomplish? We all knew you'd come around. We all knew that something was obviously bothering you. The only thing that really bothers me is your crush on Ben, and the fact that you told him to dump me for you. I already had my say when it comes to that. You do have to get over him now though. Neither of us will tolerate it anymore. We've put up with it for a year now. You were the one who helped us get together."

"I told you," I said. Hadn't she heard me before? Perhaps she hadn't because she hadn't questioned it. "I'm over Ben now."

"What do you mean you're over him now?" She asked. She didn't look as if she believed me. I didn't blame her. "After all that drama, what made you just get over him? I'm not complaining, I just don't understand."

"Keith," I answered and then began my long explanation. She was never going to know about how I'd cheated on Stan or all the boys I slept with, but I would tell her enough. "On the first day back on the train I was complaining to Dan and Keith about you guys. Keith started to defend you guys, but he wasn't rude about it. He was very nice about it. Then he just changed the subject and asked me about my summer. I ended up venting about everything- and I'll you everything later, but anyway he just let me talk to him about everything.

"Everyone knows about what happened in the summer with you, Ben and Michael so none of the other Hufflepuff's has really talked to me because they didn't want to bad mouth you with me. Keith has stuck by me though. I finally asked him why he could stick with a bitch like me a few days after we got back. He told me he didn't think I was one and liked me and that he always has. He said he'd always been too shy to talk to me though. He didn't think he had a chance.

"I asked him how he could still have feelings for me when all I talked about was Ben, and other boys had been turned off by that. He told me it didn't matter to him. He said he'd be willing to stick with me because he liked me that much, even if my hear belong to another man. After he told me that, I realized how foolish I was being. Ben was never going to like me back but I had a boy who liked me no matter what. So I've focused all my attention on him since then. About two weeks ago, I woke up and realized that I had probably been over Ben a while. It was the rejection and competition I couldn't handle.

"I'd never been rejected by any boy before, I'm so used to every boy wanting me and here was my best friend rejecting me. He was someone I always believed I'd end up with eventually, but it didn't happen. Then I started to realize that he wanted you. I couldn't stand the thought of losing to you. Claire was right you know? Remember when she said I couldn't stand the competition with Jaime? She was right. It wasn't the fact that Ben didn't like me back. I could have handled that eventually. It was just that another girl, someone who was my best friend, was the one who the boy."

Ashley stared at me and then blinked slowly.

"Ellen, if it was any other boy besides maybe Denver, you would always win," Ashley replied. "No boy in this entire school besides Ben or Denver would pick me over you. You and I both know that. There is no point in pretending otherwise."

"I know that but I couldn't stand the fact that the one boy that you and I fell for chose you. It bothered me so much, and all the stress I've been dealing with… well I never I said I was a nice person or a good friend. Claire was so right, and so was Rachel. I would have gotten over Ben sooner if I hadn't realized it was you he wanted," I replied. "It's horrible I know, but it's the truth. Keith opened my eyes though. It's him I want, not Ben, or anyone else."

"I can't say I am that surprised," Ashley said. "I always knew that about you. Now come on, we need to get everything set up for the party. Do your part in all this if you want to make it up to us. I want tonight to go perfect for Ben."

"Of course," I said. It was the least I could do.

"I'm sure the boys are wondering what's taking so long," she said to me.

"I doubt it," Ellen said as we began to leave the dorm. "I told them what I was doing. They told me it was about time. Michael told me that I didn't need to apologize to him. He basically said what you just did. He said I just needed to help out with the party."

"Good," she replied.

I think she was relieved I'd moved on and that we were all making up. I knew at the moment that she just cared about Ben's party going smoothly and nothing else. So I grabbed an armful of the decorations. When we left the dorms, we bumped into Sarah and Melanie. I still found it odd to see Melanie being friendly with Ashley. Ashley asked them to help grab the rest of the decorations for the party and they agreed. Everyone wanted the night to go well for him apparently.

"So how did you manage to pull this off?" I asked her. I knew it was going to be a big party and so many people were apart of it, but it was also a surprise party. So how were they all helping?

"I talked to Professor Sprout about it," she answered. "By the way, I invited your brother and his friends. He's always gotten along with Ben."

"You invited his friends as well?" I asked. I did not want Timmy and his friends there. How did she know his friend? "How do you even know them?"

"Well he isn't going to want be the only first year there, and besides it will keep him away from you. I've met his friends. You know that I introduce myself to every first year. Besides, even if I hadn't he would have introduced me. They all seem very nice except that Tracy girl. She's a little mouth piece. I don't like how she makes fun of June for being quiet."

"He hangs out with two girls?" I asked. Now I was curious about his friends. I'd ignored him as much as possible and he had stopped talking to me.

"Three. There's Tracy, Sally-Anne and June. He hangs out with two boys as well. Colin and Jerry. You haven't met them yet?" She answered.

"I've tried to avoid him to be honest," I said. "I see him talking to people of course, but he has kept his promise to stay away from me at school."

Down at the lake, a lot of people helped us decorate. I was shocked that Ashley had even invited Don, Xavier and Maisie, but she'd done it so they wouldn't be angry about being left out. She'd wanted every single sixth year there, and anyone else he was friendly with. Even Alana, Rory and Derek were there. The three Slytherin's acted like prats to us, but we could easily just ignore them. I just wanted Ben to get there.

Everyone else was happy to see that we'd made up. No one held any resentment for me. They were just happy to see that we'd made up, and that I wasn't going to cause anymore drama. I apologized to everyone, even Melanie. I could tell that Keith was happy for me. He looked at me with such love and pulled me into a hug. I gazed up at him wondering why I was so lucky to have him. He'd said more than once that he was lucky, but it was the other way around. I loved him. There was no doubt about it.

Finally, Ben appeared with Professor Sprout and everyone yelled: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to him before Ashley made a loud speech.

I couldn't help but be in awe of her. There were over fifty sixth years plus whoever else she invited. I had to estimate that there were probably seventy people all together there. She would never have been able to make a speech like this a few years ago. Now she seemed so confident. Ben stared at her with such love. Even two months ago I'd have been jealous to see him looking at her that way. Now I felt happy for them both.

Sometimes I still wondered if I was mad. Why was I so obsessed for years only to feel nothing now but happiness for them? It just seemed odd.

I was even more amazed to see Ashley do some kind of complicated spell that made the cake go to all of us. Who was this girl? I knew she was good in Charms, but this one was very advanced. I figured it had to be a seventh year one. Right now we were just relearning the basic spells non verbally. She had done that one with no problem.

"Why is she going to be just a school teacher again?" I heard Stan asked.

He was someone else I needed to apologize to again eventually, same with Jared.

Someone turned up loud music and now people were laughing and talking while they ate cake. Keith and me stood back to eat before I told him I wanted to talk to Ben. He nodded with understanding before heading over to talk to the other boys. I walked over to Ashley to congratulate her on the party first. I wanted to know if she thought he would talk to me anyway. She would know after all.

"Go over and talk to him. I'm sure he will," Ashley told me when I asked.

So I squared my shoulders and marched over to where Ben was talking to a few people, including Sam who winked at me. The boy obviously didn't hold grudges like his cousin could. He seemed as if he wanted to be friendly with me again. I had Keith though, so I ignored him and called out Ben's name instead. He ignored me however. I sighed. He was going to be stubborn about this, but why shouldn't he? He didn't want his party ruined and he was likely worried I'd try and hit on him again. It was all my fault. So I made him see me. I stepped in front of him. Even if he never talked to me again I had to apologize.

"Can we talk?" I asked him. I added quickly: "If you don't want to right now it's fine. I apologized to Ashley and I wanted to talk to you too. If you want to enjoy your party it's fine. We can talk tomorrow or another-"

"Ellen, we can talk," he interrupted and then he grabbed my arm. He began pulling me away from everyone until we were by the lake and by ourselves. I wondered what had changed his mind. Was it because he could that I was truly sorry? I decided to keep talking before he could say anything.

"Look, I know I was out of line," I began. "I even knew it when I sent you that message. I was just so emotional, and I do have to admit I was feeling emotional about you and Ashley. I have since the day you two got together. It's just my dad got a new girlfriend and her kids moved into my house and it made things worse. When I got my OWL results, I kind of lost it. I never expected I'd get T's. I was an emotional mess and I took it out on you."

"You know I love her," he said to me. For the first time I didn't feel any hurt whatsoever. "I'm sure you always have," I nodded when said this. I'd known it since he'd started being more affectionate with her than me. I'd just denied it. "And your crush on me has always annoyed me, but the fact that you told me to dump her pissed me off. I can't remember the last time I was that angry. You were actually willing to hurt your best friend to have me. I didn't even care that much you blamed me when you failed your OWLs. It was everything else you'd said."

"I know that, and I even knew when you were writing to me," I said. "In the back of my mind I realized how- well psycho I was being. It was just a horrible summer for me."

I knew psycho was the best word for it. It wasn't just the summer, but long before that with Dad and then Ben and Ashley, but since the letter had happened in the summer, I was going with that. He didn't need to know the exact time line.

"Ellen, you have to get over me," he said. "It's Ashley that I love, and I even want to buy her an engagement ring soon."

"I am over you and-" I began until I thought about what else he had said. Did he just say engagement ring? "Wait what? But you're both seventeen. Look, I truly believe you two will still be together after Hogwarts but Ben, you're seventeen," I added.

"I know but I know I am going to marry her," he answered. "I realised it when Minnie was born. I could see me being there for the birth of my child, and it being Ashley. I knew that it was our future."

There was no denying that he loved her, but he couldn't be considering marriage at seventeen. They were too young.

"Ben, this is something you really need to sit down and think about," I advised and I hoped he didn't think I was saying that because I wanted him. I just didn't think he understood what he was saying. My parents had been young when they'd gotten married and it had ended in divorce.

"I have thought about it since the day Minnie was born, and this party just confirms it for me. If I had a ring with me right now, I would propose tonight," he told me.

I could imagine that happening as well. As much as I disagreed with a seventeen year old getting engaged, it would have been so romantic if he could do it. It was a clear night. You could see all the stars and the moon was reflecting in the water. Across from us were the mountains. It was the perfect engagement spot, especially with fireworks going off once and a while.

"That would be so romantic," I sighed.

"I can't believe I am discussing this with you, and you're not all upset or anything. You're taking this so well," he said with raised eyebrows. Obviously like Ashley, he hadn't heard me say that I was over him.

"I told you, I am over you," I answered.

"How the hell are you over me?" He asked. This was the kind of response I'd expected from Ashley. This was a normal reaction. I could see how annoyed he was with me at the moment. I didn't blame him though. I'd put them through so much. He continued: "After everything that happened this summer? All the drama that you put Ashley and me through, you're just over me?"

"I am experiencing Deja Vu right now," I answered grinning at him. "I am sure you've seen me with Keith," and Ben nodded, "well it was him who made me realize it. I think I've been over you for a while but it was losing to Ashley that bothered me. I've never been rejected in my life. I am competitive and for so long I thought I wanted you. I just hated losing. And then I was complaining to Keith and Dan on the train-"

"Yes I heard that," he interrupted with annoyance.

"And they defended you," I continued pretending that he hadn't said anything. "Keith and I kept talking and he wanted to be with me. I asked him how he could want to be with me when I wanted you. Everyone knows I was in love with you for years. He told me that he liked me so much he didn't care. It made me realize how foolish I was being. Here was a guy who loved me no matter what, and I was chasing someone who didn't want me. It's when it dawned on me that I didn't even love you. And- well I know it might sound insane since we haven't been together for a month, but I love Keith. There's no doubt in my mind that he is the one. I know for someone logical like you that it's foolish to think-"

"No it's not," he interrupted. "I knew I loved Ashley the moment we kissed. It's not about the time together or your age, and that's why I know I can propose to her."

"But it seems almost... well, fairy-taleish," I replied. "I know you didn't grow up with muggle fairy tales, but it's only in books that people meet the one and fall in love in less than a week. In the real world, you don't fall in love for a long time. It makes sense for you and Ashley. You two have been in love since first-year. Keith and me don't have the same history that you two have."

"Doesn't matter Ellen," Ben said. "Let me ask you this. Did you feel this way about Stan at all?"

"No," I answered without hesitation and then I decided to admit something that I hadn't even told Keith yet. I did plan to, but I just hadn't yet. I could smell him in the Amortentia. My class had been right after the sixth year class, and Slughorn hadn't put all the potions away. I sat near it and I asked him what it was and he'd explained. With Amortentia you could smell whatever attracted you. If you could someone in it, it was the real deal. I could smell Keith in it, along with my favourite scents. That was how I knew. "And that's not even because of you. I just never felt it with him. He was fun to be with and we got along, but this time it's different. Besides, Slughorn left out the Amortentia from your sixth year lesson. We had our class after you did. I could smell him in it. Everyone knows it's the real deal if you can smell someone in that potion. You could smell Ashley in it right?"

Ben nodded.

"And she could smell me in it," he said.

So it truly was real and I sighed. I was only sixteen and I was with the man I should have been with.

"Who would have thought we'd all be in love so young. I am sorry Ben. I wish so much I could have realized it sooner. I hate the fact that I couldn't be there for Ashley's birthday in the summer. I regret everything I said to her and you. I hate everything that happened recently. I know I need to learn to control my anger, and I need to learn to take it out on the right people. You didn't deserve anything that I put you through," I said to him.

"You're already forgiven," Ben said and he hugged me hard. I hugged him back. I had my friends back.

"I didn't think it would be too hard to talk to Ashley or even Michael again but I was terrified that I'd ruined everything with you. I've wanted to apologize all month," I told him when I pulled away.

"Well I can tell you're sincere and I'm not ready to end a five-year friendship," he answered.

"Ashley said the same thing you know," I said.

"Where is Ashley?" He asked and he looked back at everyone. We slowly started to walk back.

"I don't know. She told me to come talk to you, so maybe she's with the others," I said. "I can't believe she invited my brother here. I know she is nice and all, but I am not ready for him to be at the same parties as me."

I never wanted him at the same parties as me. She was going to do with him what she did with Alana. I knew it.

"I'm sure he won't bother you, he has his own friends," Ben told me.

"I know but I am sixteen and he is eleven," I said. "It's just odd but I have a feeling she's going to invite him like she does Alana and her friends. I guess I'll have to get used to it even if I absolutely hate it. I'm not going to tell her not to. I'll just have to make it clear that he stays away from me. It's just we drink too, and he doesn't need to be."

Ben started to laugh and then he pulled me over to where the sixth years were. In the past when I complained, he would defend her. This time he seemed to understand.

"I'm going to go look for Ashley. You really shouldn't stress about that," he told me and then walked off.

I walked over to the Hufflepuff's and joined Keith's side. The boys were talking about having a real party when this one was over. We couldn't drink because the teachers were around. They all wanted to get drunk.

"Did you make up with him?" Keith asked me and I nodded.

"Yes, I think everything is finally falling into place again," I told him. "You might have to compete with my friends for me you know."

"That's okay. I'm just glad to see that you're happy," Keith replied and then kissed me. "I can handle a few hours without you my dear. I know you'll always come back to me."

"Yes I will," I said and I rest my head against him. Why had I thought that I loved Ben instead of him? How was it possible that I'd ignored Keith for so long? I was already imagining Keith proposing to me by the lake instead of Ben proposing to Ashley.

"I love you," I told him as I hugged him tightly.

We had yet to shag, I was giving him time since he hadn't yet, but from the way he was looking at me, I thought he was now ready. I think he was hoping to that night and sure hoped so. I would wait for him, but that didn't mean I missed the sex. I knew with him it would be the best I'd ever have.

A few days later, I was hanging out with Ashley and Michael by the lake. It was a chilly overcast day, but we wanted to enjoy the outside while we could. We weren't sure where Ben was. So the three of us were just catching up on everything. It felt like we'd never had a fight. I was admiring the watch I'd bought Ashley that she had on her wrist while they talked. She'd been so happy when I'd given it to her and I was glad no one else had gotten one for her. Ben now had a similar one, but for wizards. His parents had sent it to him along with a bunch of other gifts. When someone came of age, they were showered with gifts.

Finally, Ben came over to join us and he sat down.

"Where were you?" Ashley asked him.

"I had to talk to Professor Sprout about something important," he said to her.

"Were you trying to get more homework?" I asked jokingly. While this year wasn't as stressful as last year, the school work was advanced. I knew even Ben struggled.

"Nope," he answered me with a smile. "I never did give you a birthday gift. It's almost two months too late, but I'm sure you'll be happy with it either way."

"It's the thought that counts," I answered and I wondered if he'd asked Professor Sprout to let us have a party for me too. Were there were hidden sixth years who were about to jump out and yell: 'Surprise?' to me? "Don't tell me you're throwing a surprise party for me too? As neat as it sounds, I think it might be a bit of an overkill with it being so soon after yours, and besides I want a big one for my seventeenth, not my sixteenth."

"It's not a surprise party," he said. "Although I'm sure somehow that's going to be a tradition now. I've already heard people talking about doing one. Maisie was telling Don and Xavier that she wanted one for hers."

"It's going to get boring quite quickly won't it?" Michael asked. "But feel free to do it for me too you know."

"We're all getting big parties for our seventeenths," Ben said. "This isn't about a party though," and he held out his hand to me and then dropped something in front of me. I stared down at it. It was the captains badge.

"This is the captains badge," I said and picked it up.

"You're officially the captain of the Quidditch team," Ben said to me. "I never wanted it, and I think you deserve it more than me. I have enough to do with prefect duties and I have to get top marks. It matters more than it did before. It used to be because I wanted to beat Tara, but Healers have to do really well. All of my efforts have to go into doing well enough to be accepted into the program in three years."

I stared at it. It was the best birthday present anyone could ever give me. He knew how much I'd wanted it. He had managed to convince Professor Sprout to let me have it. My marks had gone up though. I'd been working hard all month. I'd even gotten some more O's in Herbology. Since I'd already done fifth year Potions and Magical Creatures, it wasn't actually that bad either.

"You're going to have your hands full next year when you have to do Head duties though," Ashley was saying as I looked over the badge.

I'm not going to be Head Boy next year," Ben answered.

"Of come on," Michael interrupted, "we all know you're going to be Head Boy next year."

"No I won't be," Ben replied. "I already told Professor Sprout I don't want to be one."

"But that's been your dream since Barry got his badge," I said looking up. I remembered him telling us that. As much as I wanted the badge, I couldn't take it from him. He'd wanted to be a Head Boy, Prefect and Captain! Now he was giving it away to me. I'd been a bitch to him and I wanted it, but he deserved that badge. "In fact, it's been your dream to be Captain, Prefect and Head Boy. I can't accept this."

"Yes you can," Ben said. "It's already arranged. You and I both know you're the better captain. So don't argue please. It's my gift to you. The dreams you have when you're a kid can change. I'm sure being prefect and being head boy would look good for my application to be a Healer, but they're going to care more about my NEWT grades. I've researched a lot about it you know. In order to be a Healer, you have to get top NEWTs. So that's what I need to do. As much as I would like to have been Head Boy, it's going to take too much time away from my studies. Being Prefect for three years will be enough."

"Thanks so much Ben," I said. "It really means a lot, and it's going to help so much for when I play professionally."

"That's why I wanted you to have it," Ben said.

I thought about what he said he'd be accepted in three years. Why wouldn't they accept after he finished Hogwarts.

"There's something I don't understand though," I said. "You said you'd be accepted to the Healer program in three years. Why do you have to wait a year?"

"You haven't told them yet?" Ben asked Ashley and she shook her head.

"I thought it was something we'd tell them together," she said.

I remembered Ben had said that he wanted to propose to her. Had he already done it and now they were taking a year off after school?

"Tell us what?" Michael asked.

"We're taking a year off to travel," Ben answered.

I stared at them, more at Ben than anything. I would have thought he'd want to start right away. I couldn't imagine him taking time off to relax.

"You?" Michael said what I was thinking. "I must be dreaming. Ben Hoofer is taking a year off? That won't affect your training?"

Ben shrugged. "No, why should it? Besides, we plan to do some research while we travel. Ashley wants to find out if there are more primary schools in other countries and I can learn more about Healing. Of course we plan to have fun as well, but it's a learning experience. It's what Brianne and Nick did. Brianne just opened up her own beauty salon in Diagon Alley, but she went to different wizarding ones on her travels. Nick is working in the Department of Magical Transportation, so you know that was useful for him."

"I'm just shocked," I said. "I figured you'd go straight from Hogwarts to Healer training."

"It will be a nice break for us," Ashley said to me.

"And you two are welcome to come along," Ben said. "Michael you could learn more about Aurors and Ellen, you could see more professional Quidditch matches."

"Kingsley even recommends it," Ashley added.

"I'll have to think about it," Michael said. "A year off would be nice, maybe even six months. It's just money and everything. I don't want to end up being broke like my parents."

"I'd like to go too, but I just worry a year off might make me rusty," I said. A year off did sound appealing, but what if it affected my Quidditch playing? "But it's something to consider. We've never talked about what we'd do when we're done Hogwarts. I was kind of wondering if you guys would want to share a flat or a place. I thought about it years ago, but I figured I'd wait to bring it up once we were older."

"I actually really like that idea," Ashley said. "It will be easier for us to save money."

"I would too," Michael said. "Although with you two gone for a year, I do need somewhere to stay. Obviously we can't get the place right away."

"You know you're more than welcome to stay at my place," Ashley told him. "Even if I am not around, my mum will let you stay there. She has all that extra room."

"You can stay at mine too," Ben said. "It doesn't change once your seventeen."

"I know, but I don't want to rely on someone else," Michael said. "If I did that, I'd want to pay rent."

"My sister did," Ashley told him. "When she dropped out of school my mum said she should learn responsibility and if she wanted to stay there, she had to work. Jaime went one step more and paid the rent. I'll write to her and ask, or even you can."

"Maybe," Michael said. "I'll make that decision when I have to."

"I do like the sound of sharing a place though," Ben said. "It will help us all save money. Healer training doesn't pay that much."

"Well it's not like you need a lot of money," Michael said sounding a little bitter. "You have a trust fund waiting for you."

"Not until I'm twenty-five," Ben said. "My grandparents set that up for us so that we'd work right outside of Hogwarts and learn to save money. Besides, it's not as if I am going to be rich from it."

"Why twenty-five?" I asked. "I figured you would have come into that on your birthday. I thought Barry already got his because of the baby."

"He got some of it; we're allowed some access to it in case of an emergency. My grandparents thought that seventeen was too young for that kind of money, but by twenty-five we'd be more responsible," Ben said. "I don't mind though. It's nice to work for what I need in life. I'm not some spoiled rich kid like the rest of you think. I'm not even rich."

"You get so defensive about that," Michael said and I thought he had a point there. Ben hated it when people said his family was rich even though they were.

"Because you all think we're some rich family when we're not. Sure we have money, but not that much but even if we did; we have to work for it. My dad had a trust fund, and we have everything we have because he learned to expand it. When I leave Hogwarts, I'm leaving with as much money as the rest of you are. I'll have to put some work in for travel funds," Ben said.

"So how are you two going to afford to go away for a year?" Michael asked.

"Well I already have a lot saved up," Ashley said. "I've made good money baby-sitting and I plan to work one more summer. My parents are also giving me some money as a gift for finishing school. You just pick cheap places to stay. Besides, we night not go for a full year."

"Port Keys aren't cheap either," I pointed out. I remembered when we went on trips years ago and my parents would argue about the price of them.

"We'll only use them if we have to," Ben said. "But they're cheaper if you schedule them in advance. Next year we'll have to plan where we want to go and when, and then schedule them. It's all about organization and thrifty spending. Nick and Brianne still had plenty of money by the end of it. I have some money as well I've saved up. I plan to sell all my books when we're done. That will make some money, and my parents all said they'd fund some of it as long as I work as well."

"It does sound tempting, and it would be cheaper if more of us went," Michael said.

"I could always ask Keith," I said. It really did sound appealing and I was sure Keith would want to go too. He'd talked about travelling someday after all.

"Nothing has to be decided right now," Ashley said. "Ben and I have already made our minds up but no one else has to right now."

"But we should plan in advance," I said. "I'm just worried because Professor Sprout made me take Potions and Care of Magical Creatures. What if I don't get an OWL in those?"

I was sure I would, but what if I didn't? I wanted to leave when everyone else did.

"So work hard this year, it's two classes compared to all the other ones we had to take last year," Ben said.

"That's true," I said. "I'll talk to Keith later, and I'll let you two know."

Later on, I did talk to Keith about it. As soon as we went inside, I went over to him. He made me start on my Care of Magical Creatures homework. He was certainly a better influence on me then Ben ever had been. I didn't even argue. When it came right now to it, I didn't care about it and I knew he knew that. I was just taking it for Quidditch. I would pass but I didn't care about the grades. I just wanted to finish school and forget about it all. I was just doing it to make him happy.

"I'm all for it," he told me. "It's something Dan and me talking about years ago actually."

"Well I'm sure he is invited as well," I said. "I think they'd be happy with a lot of people going because it will be cheaper."

"It would be. I'd like a break before we settle down into the real world. I don't want to do all this work only to start another kind of work. My parents took a year off school too, so they would understand. By the way, they want to meet you. They'd like you to come over for dinner over the holidays. They know it's serious between us," Keith said. "They've never asked me to bring home a girlfriend before."

"None of your girlfriends have lasted," I said.

I of course wasn't Keith's only girlfriend. He'd dated other girls, but they had never really lasted. His longest one had been three months. Of course him and me had been together just a little more than a month, but we knew it was going to last. With his other ones it had apparently been so awkward and the girls hadn't liked how shy he was. It was odd because he was never shy with me.

"I dated Sophia in third year and they about it. Actually, that's why she dumped me. She wanted to meet my parents. She knew that Ashley had invited Denver over to meet her parents and she got upset when I said no," Keith said. "I told her that we weren't Ashley and Denver. She asked me if I could see us going anywhere and I said I didn't know."

"And I thought she was nice," I said.

"She was, she just hated it when she didn't get her own way," Keith said.

Sophia was one of the nicer girls in Ravenclaw. At times she hung out with Lindsay and Zoey, so it was a surprise to me that she'd be that demanding. Mostly she kept to herself. I think it was why Keith had dated her. He usually went for the quieter girls. It was funny that he had fallen in love with a loud girl like me.

"Well her loss is my gain then. I would love to meet them. I'll write to mum too then. We can invite you over as well. I told her about you over the summer and she was the one who guessed about me being in love with you," I said.

"You told me," Keith reminded me grinning.

I'd forgotten about that. I wondered if we'd ever get to a point where we did get tired of each other. What if we got bored with each other. He already knew so much about me and I knew so much about him. We'd told each other everything. What if we got to a point where we would run out of things to talk about?

"Doubtful otherwise people couldn't be married for thirty years," Keith said. "It's definitely not a bad thing that we know so much about each other. We won't run out of things to talk about."

"There is something I haven't told you," I said remembering now. "I thought about it the other night at Ben's party. I was telling him about it. It's about you and me. I smelled you in Slughorn's love potion. He'd left it out after you had your Potion's class."

"I smelled you in it too," Keith said with a nod. "I never told you either. It actually kind of scared me because as much as we say we love each other, it's proof it's the real deal. I never thought it would happen at sixteen. Not that I am unhappy about it. It was just scary to figure that out."

"No I get it, it was the same with me," I said. "I'll tell you something even scarier though. Just don't tell him I told you because I don't want him angry with me. I just got my friends back after all, and he wouldn't want her to know. Ben is already thinking about proposing to Ashley! Can you believe it? They're seventeen. He said after his niece was born he wanted to do it."

"I can understand it," Keith said. "Especially when it comes to him. It's not that scary to be honest."

I wondered if it meant that he had been thinking about it too. Marriage usually wasn't something a teenaged boy thought about it. He had no problem with telling me how much he loved me though, so perhaps he was already thinking about it. We'd made love for the first time recently and he had gone on for a long time afterward about how much I meant to him. No boy had ever done that after sex.

We grew closer as time went on. We had our first date in Hogsmeade and we ran into Ashley and Ben that day. It was exactly a year ago since Stan and me had broken up. A year ago I'd hated seeing them on their first date. I'd felt so jealous and I'd wanted to crash their date. That time we just waved at them and continued on our way. All I wanted was my first date with Keith to go well. I just wanted to be alone with him. That was enough to show how much I'd changed when it came to them.

That wasn't the only instance. Shortly after that day, Ben came over to Michael and me in late November. Keith was in the library with Dan (I hadn't wanted to go) and Ashley was off with Alana and June. She'd added June as a 'little sister' to her group. So it had just been Michael and me talking. He had just started dating Nicole recently and I didn't like it.

I didn't trust Nicole at all. Something had changed about her since the summer. I also knew she was a bit of a gold digger. It was one of the reasons she'd gone for Ben. So either she thought Michael was getting some of the Hoofer money, or something else was going on. I just didn't truly believe that she liked him. No one who I'd talked to about this had taken me seriously. Not even Keith. They all just told me it was me being competitive again. This time it was not about that at all. I just didn't want Michael to get hurt. I wanted him to move on from me, but there were better girls than Nicole.

Michael was getting defensive about this when Ben joined us.

"What's wrong?" Ben asked.

"Ellen doesn't like Nicole," Michael said.

"I just don't trust her," I said. "I just hope you don't get hurt."

"I won't," Michael said.

"I think it's too early to tell yet Ellen," Ben said and then he sighed. "Look, I need to talk to the two of you. I need to do it before Ashley gets back. I think this is the best time especially since no one is really in the common room. I don't want to be overheard."

"Why what is going on?" Michael asked.

Had something happened between the two of them? Ben did look serious. I put Nicole out of my mind for the time being, but it was something we'd have to talk about again soon.

"I want to get an engagement ring for her, you both know that," he said. "I want to do it the next Hogsmeade visit. I want you two to go with me to pick it out. You're my best friends. And no, I don't want any lectures about me being too young. I haven't decided when I am going to do it yet, but I want that ring now. It could be a month from now, or it could be two years from now. All I know is that I just want to be ready. I plan to wait for the perfect time to do it."

I did want to tell him he was too young, but I could tell he would hear it. I'd also just gotten him back. I didn't want a fight. I could see Michael pursing his lips, but he didn't say a word either.

"Alright, just tell us when and where," Michael nodded.

"I'm going to get Alana in on it too," Ben said. "I am going to get her to distract Ashley in Hogsmeade, and then we'll go."

"I usually have a good taste in jewellery," I told him.

"Thank you," he said. "It means a lot to me, and I need you two with me."

Him saying that definitely made up my mind. I was going to be there with him.

"Can I at least tell Keith?" I asked him. "I tell him everything and he won't tell anyone."

"You can tell him. No one else though," and he looked at Michael. "I don't want Nicole to know. I don't care about Keith because I know he is trustworthy, but I don't want her to know, especially given that she is my ex."

"I won't tell anyone," Michael assured him with a smile. "Her and me aren't that close yet anyway. Keith and Ellen have a different relationship than we do."

Michael looked a little jealous about this, and I had to wonder if it was because he was still in love with me. He was the only one in disbelief about my love for Keith. Everyone else believed me when I said it. Jared who I had apologized to even told me he believed me.

"I should actually go meet Nicole," Michael said now. "Just let me know Ben. I just hope that you remember what I said about your communication issues. You should work on that before you propose."

"I know," Ben said but I had a feeling he was saying that just to satisfy Michael. "He seems depressed again," Ben said once he was gone. "I don't know if it's my engagement plans or your relationship with Keith."

"It could be both," I said. "He is still in love with me after all. Sometimes I feel like I am mad. How could I go for so long thinking that I loved you, only to feel nothing bit friendship for you now? It caused so much problems between us and Ashley too. It's crazy to love someone only to realize you don't."

"Going by that logic then both Ashley and Michael are crazy too," Ben said to me.

"How is Ashley? She's known that she's loved you since the beginning," I said.

"Are you forgetting Denver? She was in love with him for four years. She never got over him when he dumped her, and she was quick to get back with him after I suggested it. It wasn't until her sixteenth birthday party that she figured it out, and you helped with that," Ben pointed out. "So she must be mad too if you are. She just wasn't as dramatic about it. Although at times I think she must be considering the Snackbox incident."

"You haven't said anything to her about that have you?" I asked.

The night after we'd discussed going travelling, Ben had finally asked me about the Puking Pustilles. Michael and me managed to convince him not to yell at her about it. He'd wanted to bring it up to her, but neither of us thought this was a good idea. It would just cause them to fight when they were past the weight loss issue, and she would be angry with me too. I'd promised not to say anything.

Ben could have controlling issues at times when it came to her. It was why it was actually a good thing that we weren't together. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of thing. I was surprised she'd put up with some of it. He could smother her at times. It was mainly when he was worried about her, but I could see it bothered her. At times she even called him out on it. They would argue, and then make up. I could actually see they made a good couple, and they were slowly getting stronger as a couple.

Michael had a point though. They had to work on their communication issues. At times they could be afraid to speak up to each other. Ben really needed to work on how he talked to her before he married her. Ashley had to learn how to respond better to him. I think they had grown stronger since the weight issue, which was why I figured it was pointless to bring up the Skiving Snackboxes now, especially since Ben just wanted to yell at her. He didn't want to talk about it with her. He wanted to yell at her for being stupid. She wasn't going to do it, so why bring it up now?

I knew it was my fault for rubbing it in his face. I sincerely regretted that.

"No Ellen I haven't. I will if I see her missing meals," he said. "I won't do it to yell at her, but to let her know that I know. So far she hasn't missed a meal."

"And she doesn't go to the bathroom after meals," I was quick to add since Bulimic's tended to eat a lot and then puke. I had actually watched for that quite a bit just in case. "I'll say this for her though. She was strong enough not to do it. After what she did, I read up on Eating Disorders and it's so easy to slip into those tendencies. Instead, she realized how stupid it was, and she went the healthy route instead. Some girls weren't that lucky. Some started to starve themselves or make themselves puke or both. She'd managed to stop herself from doing all that, and she had seriously considered doing it.

"It really bothers me Ellen," he said. "I won't say anything, but you have no idea how much it bothers me that she even thought of it. She went to Diagon Alley with that on her mind. She'd had that on her mind while she was at my place as well. She might have even done it after we had Christmas dinner. She might not have run into those gits if I hadn't said she was heavy."

"No Ben because she was planning on going anyway. She told me before we were on the train that she planned to do some last minute Christmas shopping. She'd wanted me to meet her there, but I couldn't," I told him. "That is not your fault. That is their fault and no one elses. She should be able to go shopping. She was sixteen after all. Most sixteen years olds go to Diagon Alley by themselves. Hell, a lot of kids Timmy's age do. It's just unfortunate those losers were there," I told him. "That being said, she shouldn't have taken a harmless comment so far. Even she says that. It's why I don't think you should bring it up because she feels really guilty for making you feel bad."

"Isn't the something that falls under the line of communication issues? You and Keith tell each other everything," Ben said.

"No because you just want to yell at her Ben," I told him. "It's different from her admitting it to you and you just yelling like she is a kid or something. Look, give it some time and I will talk to her about it. I will convince her to bring it up to you. When she does though, I don't want you to yell at her. I think you're right that it is something you two should talk about, but not in the way you're thinking. You're right that Keith and me tell each other everything, and I'll even tell her that. I'll tell her that I've told him the less than flattering things that I have done, and he understood. I just think it should be another few months or so."

"Why so much time Ellen? It's just something I want to talk to her about," Ben said.

"It's easier to admit to things when more time has passed," I explained. "We'll have one of our girls nights, and I'll bring it up. I'll tell her that I think it's something she should admit to you after a while because you should know about it."

Ben sighed. "Okay Ellen, but you know that I am only doing this for you right? So if you ever question how I feel about our friendship, this should be enough proof that you I care about you. It really does bother me."

"It bothers me too," I told him. "When I figured out what she planned to do, I felt sick myself. She promised she didn't do it though. She said she decided to read up in eating disorders, and it scared her so much that it changed her mind. So she gave us the Puking Pustilles. Like I said, some girls aren't strong enough to stop themselves unfortunately. Look at Julie from Gryffindor for example. We all know she starves herself even if she doesn't admit it. The Andrew twins are sure she uses those to puke too."

"See, that's why I disagree with those things as well," Ben said frowning. "It takes you out of class, but look at what else people can use them for. They can take advantage of it. They shouldn't be sold to under seventeens. What if a first year gets that in their head? I heard a little girl complaining just the other day that she was fat. What if she does it?"

I'd never really given that much thought before, but Ben did have a point about that. I wouldn't stop using them for when I wanted out of class, but Ashley's incident was a bit of a wake up call, and I did know kids as young as eleven had those thoughts too.

"That is scary," I agreed. "Just give me some time with Ashley okay? And as for me questioning our friendship, well I've had reason to Ben. Even before I was hitting on you, you always acted like I had the lurgy or something. In first year, you were never like that with me. It was second year when that attitude started."

"It was when I started realizing how I felt about Ashley, and besides my girlfriends or the ones I used to snog, you'll notice she was the only one I was really close with," Ben said. "I was never like the rest of these blokes who were all over you girls."

"Okay but still Ben, whenever I touched you or anything, it was like I burnt you or something," I said. "It always made me feel bad. I understand for when you realized I wanted you, but not the other times."

"I'm sorry," Ben said sounding sincere. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, but with you I wondered about it as early as third year, maybe even second. You already thought I was leading you on when we were at Quidditch practice. I didn't want to do more."

"I suppose you have a point there," I admitted. "I wanted it so bad that I saw signs that weren't there. So maybe I would have."

"Well either way Ellen, I always cared about our friendship. If I didn't, I wouldn't still be friends with you. After everything we've been through, we're still friends," Ben said.

"But you were prepared to end it for Ashley," I reminded him.

"And you'd end our friendship or any other friendships you have if someone broke you and Keith up," Ben pointed out. "Ashley isn't just some girl. Nicole and me broke up when it came to you. I'd do it for you if it were any other girl besides Ashley. Now we're talking again after all that Ellen."

"I know," I replied. "I just wanted you to know how I felt. I know I had some fault in it too. Michael feels that way with all three of us."

"And it's something we need to make sure he doesn't feel," Ben said. "I want the two of you with me when I pick out the ring, but I also told him that to make sure he knew that it meant to me to have you there. When a bloke picks out a ring with someone, it's a big deal."

"I know," I answered. "And it really means a lot to me. I still don't think I agree with it when you're this young, but I'll be there for you."

"Ellen, I don't plan to propose the moment I get it. I am going to wait for the right time. Hell, it could be five years from now when I do it. I just want the ring so I can do it at the right moment. I don't want to miss a perfect opportunity. I already know it's going to be her," Ben replied. "Michael and me had a long talk about this too. I'm not going in blindly. I talked to Barry about it as well. It's not as if I woke up one morning and decided it. I know what I want. I know that someday her and me will be celebrating a thirtieth anniversary like my parents just did. I know that one day I'll be at the hospital with her when she had her first child like Barry was with Tasha."

"I don't doubt your love for her, I just want you two to be careful. You're my best friends. At one time I used to think it was too much on a coincidence that you were sorting into Hufflepuff with me, but I think it's because of Ashley," I said.

"I don't believe that for a moment," Ben said. "I believe in fate and those potions Ashley loves are accurate, but I don't believe that I was sorted into Hufflepuff for her."

"Let's see, she is muggleborn, she leaned against you before the sorting, you were friends the next day, you were probably in love with her in first year even though you didn't realise it, you-"

"Ellen, I get why you think that," Ben interrupted looking amused. "I just don't believe it. The hat just saw more Hufflepuff in me then Ravenclaw. Even though I study hard, I would not have fit in there because the Ravenclaws are too intense for me. I am hardworker and that's a Hufflepuff trait. I am different from my brothers and sisters. Look at Brenda for example. I don't believe some divine interference put us in Hufflepuff together. Considering we get along with people in other houses, it would have happened if I were sorted there. I took one of those potions recently and it even showed that."

"I don't have full faith in those," I said. "They are neat, but I don't think that they mean it's a true alternate universe. Some of it definitely is accurate like the fact you and me wouldn't have lasted, but it showed me and Ashley as enemies if I'd been sorted into Gryffindor. It never said Gryffindor at my sorting, but it said I had a lot of bravery so I think it could have gone either way."

"I could actually see it though," Ben said. "Who were you friends with?"

"Devon because we met on the train- don't make that face, the fact we dated means nothing... and you me dated in that by the way, but I was friends with Mary-Anne and Nathan too. So it was still the whole boy and girl situation we have. We talked to the Andrew twins too, but they weren't part of the group," I told him.

"So Devon and me were kind of reversed?" Ben asked and I nodded. "Yes, it was third year too. So you're willing to believe those potions, but you aren't willing to believe that you were sorted into Hufflepuff to meet Ashley? You have both Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff traits and yet it sent you to Hufflepuff. You don't even believe in Divination and that's future telling and that is fate."

"I was skeptical at first, but they do study alternate time lines in the Department of Mysteries. My issue with Divination is that the future is not set in stone. It can change at any time. I believe that Ashley and me were meant to be, but so many events could have happened to change when we got together. Something could have happened to make it so we wouldn't have dated until we were in our twenties. I think Lindsay had a point that you can use it for advice, such as with Tarot cards, but I just don't believe that someone can predict the future because things can change," he said. "Even when it came to the prophecy with Harry. It didn't have to happen. You-Know-Who heard the prophecy and he was the one to set it in motion. If he hadn't heard it, things would have gone differently."

"I get your point Ben," I replied. "But I just find it funny that you believe in those potions but you just won't believe that you were meant to be sorted into Hufflepuff."

Ben just shrugged at this.

"This was a good talk though," I said. "We haven't sat and talked like this in years. We should do it more often. I don't remember the last time you and me sat one on one like this."

"Well we can talk Quidditch," Ben said. "You've already changed so much about the team. What are your plans for the next game?"

We'd just played our first match and we'd won. I just needed to make sure that we won again for the two matches. I wanted to make up for my poor performance from the last match last year to the team. No one seemed to be angry with me, but I didn't care. It should never have happened. We could have won the cup again if I would have just gotten over Ben. All Ashley had done was kiss her boyfriend good-luck and I'd played so terribly. Keith had done the same for me with the last game.

I smiled at this and began telling him about a new formation I wanted us Chasers to try out. I had some new dives for the Seeker too. This talk took us until Ashley returned from her talk with her little sisters. Ben looked up at her happily and pulled her into his arms. I was disappointed, but for a different reason this time. I was enjoying a good talk with my friend. Now Ashley was there, and soon enough Michael would be too. I hoped that Ben and me could have something like this soon.

Moments later, Keith appeared by my side as well. I grinned at him. I would never be disappointed to see him.

"Come on Ellen, you like to break the rules, can't you find a way to sneak us in?" Timmy pleaded.

"No," I told him. "In two years you'll get your opportunity to go too."

"I would do it if I had a little brother or sister," Timmy's bitchy little friend Tracy said. "Guess you're not a good sister. I've heard you were a bitch though and you seem to have proven it every time I've met you."

"I've heard and seen the same with you," I told her. "Now go away. Even if I was going to help Timmy sneak in, I wouldn't help you. I don't give a damn if he is your friend. I don't like you."

I wasn't about to let some little twelve-year-old bitch intimidate. I'd been dealing with some of the girls in my own year for five years. I could deal with this little pest. Every single time I talked to Timmy and his friends (which wasn't often) she was so rude. I didn't understand why my brother hung out with her. She'd been so rude to little June. She was the reason for why Ashley had 'adopted' another sister. Ashley had seen her being so mean and she'd told her off. She found out how shy June was and she decided to take her under her wing. June was such a sweet little girl. I actually liked all of Timmy's friends except her.

"No one likes you," Tracy said to me.

I just rolled my eyes and shook my head before I turned to my brother.

"I'm sorry Timmy, I just won't do it. The time will go by quick enough. I know it doesn't sound the same, but it really is great having the common room to yourselves. With all of us gone, it will just be the first and second years. We used to look forward to the Hogsmeade weekends for that reason. We could get the best spot in the common room without the older students bothering us. The six of you can have our corner."

"Really?" Timmy asked excitedly.

By that point since we were sixth years, the corner of the common room that we always chose was established. No one ever bothered us there anymore like they had in the second or third year. However, the only people who were older were the seventh years now anyway, and the younger years were used to us sitting there. The first years knew that was the Sixth Year Hufflepuff Corner.

"Only until we get back. If any of my fellow sixth years want to sit there when they get back, you lot have to move," I told him.

"I know," Timmy said excitedly.

I think Timmy was more happy about the fact that he was sitting where his big sister usually sat.

"What is so great about a corner?" Tracy asked.

"It's where the big kids sit!" Colin, one of Timmy's friends answered. "We never get anywhere near there. It's basically the most private part of the room."

"Well I don't get why you're so special that you get to sit there anyway," Tracy said to me but I ignored her this time. I didn't feel like getting into it with her again. I always did.

"I'll see you later Timmy. This is a very important day anyway," I told him.

"Why?" Timmy asked.

"I'll tell you later," I answered. "I'll write you on the parchment if I have permission to. Just know it's very important so I can't be worrying about you anyway."

"Okay, but promise you'll tell me if you can please," Timmy said. "I bet I know what it is anyway. If you don't get permission can I guess and if I get it right, then can you tell me?"

"Maybe," I said with amusement. "I'll let you know."

I didn't want to push it when it came to Ben. I'd just gotten him back and I knew he didn't want too many people knowing. I didn't want to go behind his back and tell my brother. He'd said I could tell Keith, but that was different since I told him everything. I wasn't sure how he'd feel about a first year knowing.

Ben surprised me though. I brought it up to him and he nodded without hesitation.

"You can tell June too. I don't want the rest of his friends knowing, but Ashley does see Alana and June as her friends, and of course Alana knows about it already. You can tell your mum too if you want. I plan to tell Barry and my parents too," Ben said. "I don't want anyone else knowing. I don't want it getting back to Ashley."

So I wrote to Timmy on the parchment and told him to tell June, but no one else.

I knew it! I knew that as soon as you said something important but it was a secret. I won't tell anyone but June, I promise. I'm glad you're okay with it Ellen.

I've had my wake up call Timmy. By the way, I never apologized to you for the summer. You were so right and I was so wrong. At age eleven you seem to be smarter than I have been. I hope you don't ever do anything as stupid as me. I'm not going to be nose to the grindstone like you are, but I do promise you that I will work harder this year. My marks are already a lot better than they were last year. Just promise me that you won't let Tracy cause too much drama in your group. I still understand why you're still friends with her, but you are. I've been going to school with girls like her since my first year. They like the drama because they're insecure.

I won't. We've considered dropping her a few times, but June (yes surprisingly) is insistent that we give her a chance. We just tell her off. I think Tracy doesn't want to lose us so she knows where to draw the line. It's okay about the summer too. Even though I was very angry with you, I did understand you were going through a hard time too. I love you Ellen.

I love you too Timmy.

It wasn't something we said to each other often even though we knew it was true. It truly did make me very happy though. This time last year I'd felt so bad and my grades were terrible. Now I was in love with someone else, I had my friends back and my marks had improved quite a bit. I also didn't feel so stressed from the work load either. Even though I had a lot of work with the two OWL classes I had to do, it wasn't bad and I was averaging an A in both. It was amazing how much could change in just a year or even just a few months. It was all down to Professor Sprout and Keith.

The day before the holidays we went to Hogsmeade. Keith and me spent the morning and lunch together, but Ben wanted Michael and me to go meet up with him at one.

"If I don't find you before three, I'll see at the Three Broomsticks," I told Keith.

"Good luck Ellen," he said as he kissed me which caused me to laugh.

"I don't think it's me who needs the luck," I told him.

"Well then wish Ben luck for me," he said with a grin.

There was a jewellery store in Hogsmeade. I'd actually never been in it before because I knew it was expensive. Anytime I bought jewellery, it was just fake stuff in other stores. Anything that was real was bought by someone else. I knew Ben's family had money, but according to him, he just had made he'd worked for. So I had to wonder how much he had to buy an engagement ring. Knowing him, he would want to buy her a very expensive ring. Maybe he'd gotten an advance on his trust fund. He'd told us he could.

When I arrived, it was to find Michael and Ben waiting outside it deep in discussion. I wondered if they were wondering where I was, but as I drew closer, it was to hear Michael talking about Nicole. She'd decided to stay over the Christmas holidays with him. I still didn't trust her. Michael was all excited about her. Everyone thought she was the perfect girl for him. I tried to keep my opinion to myself, but why would she want Michael who was basically an orphan? People had said that I liked Ben for his money (and maybe I had, I still didn't know) but Nicole was definitely a gold digger. Something wasn't right about their relationship though. Also, why was she so friendly with Don and Xavier? That was the number one red flag for me. It irritated people when I brought it up, and I was scared to lose my friends again.

Today wasn't the day to bring up my suspicions about her though. This was Ben's day, but I was going to try and talk to Michael again about her. Perhaps I would write to him over the holidays. Ben and Ashley would also have to find it odd that she hung out with the Slytherin's. I hadn't mentioned that part yet. I just hoped they wouldn't try and justify it.

So instead I turned to Ben with a smile and said: "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be," he said. "We'd better get inside before anyone sees us."

"I don't think people will be suspicious," Michael told him. "You're always buying her jewellery."

"With you two?" Ben asked and then he went to open the door. I hoped they weren't waiting for me for too long. When I asked, Ben shook his head.

"Michael arrived probably about two minutes before you did," he told me. "For once you were on time."

I just stuck my tongue out at him. I knew he was joking around this time. It had always been a running joke that I took my time to get ready. Beauty took time however.

Inside even the place looked expensive. I didn't know if everything was made from actual gold or not, but all the shelves were gold with all the jewellery underneath some glass. It was so shiny in there. I caught a glimpse of one of the prices of a necklace. One hundred Galleons! I would never be able to afford to shop in this place. No wonder most Hogwarts students avoided it.

"Can you really afford this place?" Michael asked Ben as he looked at the prices too.

"Yes. I've been saving all the money I've made over the years," he told him. "Besides, relatives always give us money at Christmas and birthdays. I really haven't spent it, and I've been getting the money for seventeen years. That doesn't include the money that I got for my seventeenth."

Michael rolled his eyes. "And you're so insistent that you don't have money. You told us that when we leave Hogwarts that you'd have as much money as the rest of us. Yet you are so confident in here. I felt overwhelmed the moment I walked in."

"Look, I'm not discussing this with you again," Ben told him. "Could you please just help me look. This ring is going to set me back you know. I'm still going to have as much money as the average Hogwarts student when we leave. I save money and I work for it, just like everyone else does."

"Okay, okay, I just wish you wouldn't downplay it so much only to drag us into a place like this and then act confident about the money," Michael said.

"There is a reason I downplay it," Ben replied.

I moved over to look at the rings. I didn't want to anger him, but I couldn't help agree with Michael. Ben always got so defensive about his money but then he would go out and buy expensive things. One of the rings was twelve thousand Galleons! If he bought that, I would faint on the spot. I stared at it before I turned to him.

"So what is your price limit then?" And I pointed to the ring.

Ben walked over and looked at it and let out a nervous laugh which made me feel better. Obviously he couldn't afford it.

"Not that much," he said. "I can't believe anyone would spend that much on an engagement ring anyway. I want a nice ring, but not that expensive!"

"That's good to know," Michael said as he joined us. "Christ, look at that one!"

"These ones over here are more in my range. Ashley won't want a flashy expensive ring anyway. I just want it to be worth enough and to look nice," he said.

Ben pointed to rings on a shelf to the left of us. I glanced over at the store owner who was staring at us. I hadn't paid much attention to him at first. He was an old man and he had his wand out. It was as if he was worried we were about to steal from him, and he was prepared to hex us if we did. I suppose I couldn't blame him though. We were a group of kids looking at expensive jewellery. I wouldn't trust us either.

"These are still expensive," Michael said as he looked at a ring that was five hundred Galleons.

"It actually seems reasonable compared to the twelve thousand dollar one," I pointed out to him.

"Don't worry about the prices of these ones," Ben said. "Just take a good look at them please. Let me know if you see anything that you like."

"So five hundred is the budget?" I asked him and he nodded.

"Around that yes," he said. "I almost feel cheap to be honest."

"You feel cheap?" Michael asked him. "To me five hundred is a lot! Sixty would be a lot to me."

I looked at the rings thinking about what Ashley liked when it came to jewellery. She wouldn't want the ones with the big diamonds, so I ignored those. All three of us were quiet as we looked. Sometimes Michael would point one out, but both Ben and me shook our heads. They weren't what she would wear. Finally Ben let out a gasp and pointed out one to me that was on the end of the middle row. I glanced at it and I knew it was the perfect one.

"Yes," I said. "That's the one Ben. Do you now her size?"

"Yes, I've bought her rings before," he answered before he called out to the shop keeper. The man eyed Ben suspiciously as he walked over with to take out the ring. It was over five hundred and fifty galleons. Could Ben afford that? I sure hoped so. The ring as an Ashley ring.

"I'll take it," Ben said he looked over it and then he pulled out a piece of parchment and handed it to the man. "Charge it to this vault please."

"I need to see your wand as ID please," the man said.

Ben pulled out his wand right away. I had to wonder how that worked. I knew that wands her used as ID but how? How did someone know what to check for? The man examined Ben's wand and even did a few spells on it. Was there a spell that you this? It seemed to take a long while before the man finally nodded and handed Ben back his wand.

"You check out," he said sounding uncertain.

"I'm a Hoofer," Ben said to him. "Of course it will."

Michael and I exchanged glances. Ben hated using his name like that. It was obvious this was very important to him.

"Yes of course sir, but I had to check. I'm sure you understand," the man told him and Ben nodded.

"Of course I understand," he said. "But now that you see that everything checks out, I would like the ring. If you have anymore questions, I will give you my parchment number. If you don't have a parchment, you can get a hold of at Hogwarts."

I couldn't believe now confident he was. His parents had obviously taught him well. He stared the older man in the eye not ready to be intimidated. Finally, the man asked him to pick out a box to put the ring in 'free of charge.'

"It was nice doing business with you," Ben told him with a smile before he pocketed it.

"You have your own vault already?" Michael demanded as we left.

"Yes. Mum opened one for us when we were born. You could get one too. We should actually talk to my parents about that," Ben said. "Anyone under seventeen needs a parents permission but they can open one. Usually you need a note to get into it as well unless you show them a slip of parchment with your parents signature at a shop."

"I think mum has one for me too," I said. "But I don't think I have any money in it, unless my parents put some in it without telling me. I just keep mine in a little wallet that no one can open but me."

"Can we look into that over the summer?" Michael asked Ben. "I want somewhere safe to store my money. I doubt anyone in our dorm would steal from me, but I still don't feel comfortable keeping it all in my trunk. I have some in your room too, but I'd like my own vault."

Ben just gave a small shrug. "I can write to dad later tonight. I'm sure they can open one up for you. You don't have to be with them. They just have to show proof of guardianship. Besides, you'll be seventeen by summer. You'd be able to do it yourself."

Michael nodded. "Thanks. I really would like one."

I checked the time as we headed up the road. I didn't realize we'd actually been there for a long time. It was already two-thirty. It hadn't seemed as if we'd spent an hour and a half there. I suggested that we just go to The Three Broomsticks. If we went early enough, we'd be able to get our booth. So that's where we headed. I hoped we would get it. So far we'd been lucky, but I was sure our luck would run out someday.

Fortunately though as we walked in, a group of third years were just leaving it. I hurried over to it while Ben and Michael went to get a round of butterbeers. Our fellow Hufflepuff's would pay us back when they arrived. I had to wonder how much money Ben had left now. He'd seemed confident enough to buy that ring. I knew he planned to work in the summer, so maybe that's why he didn't mind spending so much. I knew he wanted money for the trip after Hogwarts.

When Ashley walked in about five minutes later with Alana, it was hard to contain my excitement. She said good-bye to Alana, who joined some third years and she hurried over to us with grin.

"I was hoping I could get this table," she said. "I'm surprised to see the three of you together though. Where are Nicole and Keith?"

"Nicole wanted to go hang out with her friends," Michael told her.

"And Keith wanted to spend some time with Dan before they came here," I said.

"Well before the others get here, I thought we could talk about when we can all get together for the holidays," Ashley said happily. "We might not get the chance on the train, and of course Michael is staying. I figure all four of us should be able to get together before New Years."

"And you need to come over too," I said to her. "I'm thinking mid way through."

"And don't forget Christmas dinner," Ben added to her.

"Of course I won't," she said laughed.

"You have to admit, this is nice," Michael said. "When was the last time the four of us did hang out in Hogsmeade?"

"Never," Ashley said. "That was the plan but there have always been boys or girls involved."

"Well let's just enjoy it while we can," Ben said.

I had to admit, it was nice. We really weren't just the four of us anymore. Now that everyone but Michael was with the person they loved, it probably wouldn't happen much anymore.


	14. Happily Moving On

Happily Moving On

"I love this new change in you Ellen," mum said to me as she drove us home from the train station. "I was really getting worried about you. I felt as if I couldn't do anything for you anymore. I am sorry I had to be harsh with you, but it didn't matter what I said or did, you seemed intent on ruining your life."

"And I regret that," I told her. "And it isn't your fault. I was just very angry. As soon as I found out dad had that new family and I saw Ashley and Ben together, I just felt as if I didn't care anymore. I just wish I'd realized about Keith sooner. It's so strange thinking that I wanted Ben for so long when I actually didn't. I really don't get it."

"I once thought I was in love with your father Ellen. We all make those mistakes sometimes," she said to me.

"But you had to have at one time right?" Timmy spoke up from the back seat.

"No, unfortunately I don't think I ever did. I had the same attitude that your sister had. I just went for his looks. Your father was the best looking in his year and I had to have him. He had to have me. We both went for looks. Unfortunately, it took being locked up together for a year to realize it. We thought we had the same goals in life, especially since we both agreed that we wanted you two to live both muggle lives and wizarding lives. Our relationship was just a surface one. It's a lesson I hope you learn now Timmy. I don't want you to make the same mistakes your sister and me made," mum told him. "A girl can be very beautiful, but she might not be the girl for you."

I thought about the cute Slytherin I had seen him kissing. I wasn't going to mention it now, but I was going to ask him about it later. I'd been shocked to see him kissing in the first place. I knew he had told me he had, but it was one thing to hear him say he was snogging, but another to actually see it. At times I still saw him as six or seven. Now I understood how Barry and Brenda had felt when it came to Ben.

"I know that," Timmy said. "There are certain girls who I already don't like."

"You say that now, but wait until your hormones kick in," I told him. "And you have the same genes that mum and I have. Plus you hang out with that annoying little girl."

"Tracy isn't exactly pretty though," Timmy pointed out.

"She's not unfortunate looking either though. Look at Ashley. She's not pretty, and look at how many boys wanted her," I reminded him.

"But Ashley isn't a bitch either," Timmy pointed out which caused mum to tell him off. "Sorry mum, but it is the truth. Tracy can be fun to hang out with, which is why we still hang out with her, but it's the best word to describe her."

"It really is mum," I said. "Wait until you meet her. You'll see what we mean. Even Tracy calls herself that. It seems as if she is proud of it or something."

"She is proud of it," Timmy said. "She is just learning not to be that way with us, especially around June."

"I think she still does it behind your back," I told him. "Ashley had told me things. Just remember what I told you. You're not obligated to hang out with anyone. We had to give Michael a wake up call, and even my friends had to do it with me. There will be a time when you lot have to do the same with her."

"It will be interesting to meet this girl then," mum said as she turned onto our street. "I am just happy to see that you two are getting along. Ellen is right though Timmy, don't hang out with someone who will cause too much drama. You don't need that kind of stress."

"I know. We've all talked about it," Timmy replied. "Ellen, did you tell mum the news? You said you had permission to tell her."

"Not yet," I said.

"What news is this?" Mum asked. She sounded a bit weary. I didn't really blame her. Given everything that had been going on lately, I'd be surprised if she weren't.

"Ben picked out an engagement ring for Ashley yesterday. He had Michael and me go with him. Mum, we found the perfect ring for her. I was just surprised about the price. He spent over five hundred Galleons on it! Can you believe that for a ring?"

"It sounds about right," mum said. "That's actually quite reasonable. Your father spent over two thousand on mine."

"Over two thousand galleons for a ring?" Timmy asked in disbelief. "Why are they so much?"

"They don't have to be," mum said. "I'd say Ben's price range was about the reasonable price range. Maybe even less. Anything more than that is showing off. Your father used to be quite the show off."

"Used to be?" Timmy muttered from the back seat.

"Anyway, I'm not too surprised that he went and bought one for her. When is he proposing?"

"He doesn't know yet. He said he just wanted the ring for the right moment. He said it could be either tomorrow or even ten years from now. He said he just wanted the ring," I said and then hesitated. I didn't want my mother or brother to think I still wanted Ben when I didn't. Mum turned into our underground parking. "But I just worry they're a bit too young still," I finally continued. "I mean, I know they're more than likely to be married but it seems a bit premature."

"I think Ben is realistic enough to wait," mum told me. "Even then, engagements can be more than a year. He could propose tomorrow but they might not marry until they're twenty. If it was anyone else, I might worry but I feel confident enough when it comes to them."

"Even at seventeen?" I asked as she parked the car.

"Yes even at seventeen. They've been in love for years, and they've dated for over a year. If he proposes next year, that is two years of dating and then you add at least a year of engagement to that. They're on the right track I believe," she answered as we got out of the car.

"What if Keith proposed to me then?" I asked. If she was fine with the second daughter she'd never had getting married, what would she say about her own biological child.

"I would hope he'd give it at least a year," mum told me.

"What if I proposed tomorrow?" Timmy spoke up while mum helped us get our trunks out of the car. We knew he was kidding, and that he just wanted to be part of the conversation. "Would you think it's okay mum?"

"No I would not," mum told him but she was smiling at him.

"Well that's good. I don't plan to get married until I am in my twenties," he said. "And I might not ever get married either. June said it's called common law marriage. That is where you live together but you're not married. She knows people like that. I bet that's better than being married. For blokes, they lose everything when they get divorced. Mum, how come you didn't get the house when you and dad divorced? I thought the mum got the house."

"It depends on the marriage honey. When it came to us, well that house was your fathers parents before it was ours. They moved into a flat when we got married and had Ellen. We wanted to raise our kids in a muggle neighbourhood anyway. So that's why I didn't get the house," mum explained.

"How come we never knew that until now?" I asked.

"It never came up," mum answered with a shrug. "Anyway Ellen, tell Ashley that if she gets lonely that she is more than welcome to come over. I know she is seventeen, but she still doesn't need to spend all that time alone at home."

"It's her decision to make mum," I said just as Timmy shouted:

"Yeah tell her to come over too!"

"She said she wanted to have the house to herself. Believe me, Ben kept getting on her case about it. She told him she'd see him later but she wanted to have time to herself for a little bit. I'm sure she'll visit us and him. She can come and go when she wants now."

"Well just be sure to her that she can stay overnight," mum said. "I still hate to think of her home alone, especially after what happened last year. Those people might take an opportunity, especially of more know that she is home alone."

"That is true," I said. "She did tell a lot of people, and things can get around. She might have even told Denver and Morgan. They don't talk to Xavier or Don, but they might have overheard."

And I didn't say it out loud but I thought about Nicole too. She was just too friendly with Xavier and Don for my liking. I didn't want anything to do with her for that reason. I didn't even want to be nice to her. No one could be trusted when they were that friendly with those boys. What if Ashley had told Nicole her plans and then she told them? I didn't voice this out loud because I could have been very wrong. My instinct told me that she was bad news though. Maybe it was just a coincidence they talked, but I didn't think so. Eventually I would have to convince my friends, but I didn't know how.

The next day, our worries became a reality. Ashley was attacked, but not at her house. Mum and I were making lunch together when I stopped to glance at my parchment. Keith was supposed to be writing soon. We still had decided which days we were going to go over to each others places for dinner. His parents wanted to meet mum as well. By the sounds of it, they wanted it to be a huge dinner instead. So every once and a while I would look at it to see if he'd gotten back to me.

I gasped when I did pick it up to read it.

Ashley was attacked when she went to Diagon Alley this morning. We are at St. Mungos.

It was from Ben.

"Mum, we need to get to St. Mungos right now," I said.

"Why?" She asked.

"Ashley was attacked."

Tears were already in my eyes. We'd worried this was going to happen and it had. What if she ended up dying? I'd spent the last year or so trying to steal her boyfriend. I'd had all these resentful thoughts about her. We'd made up of course, but I still felt really guilty. I couldn't stand it if I lost my friend. When it came right down to it, I'd miss her more than the other two. It was why I still couldn't believe I'd loved Ben for so long. Of course I cared about Ben and Michael too, but it was her I cared about the most. I couldn't stand it if I ever lost her forever.

Mum didn't need to be told twice. She just told me to get ready and she was going to get Timmy. I quickly put my winter cloak on while she ran to his room. She must have told him right away what it was about, because the two of them ran into the living-room. Timmy looked close to tears as well. He hurried over to take my hand after he got dressed.

"I'm going to apparate us there," mum told us. "Take my hand Timmy."

Timmy took a hold of her hand and then mum turned on the spot. We appeared at an apparation point outside of St. Mungos. Mum hurried us over to an old building that said it was closed for refurbishing. There was a lone dummy in the window which mum nodded. It nodded back and then beckoned us forward. Mum nodded to us and then told us to step in. I'd never been there before, but I figured it must work like Kings Cross.

Once inside, we were inside, mum told Timmy and me to wait while she went to find out where Ashley was.

"Do you think she is okay?" Timmy asked. "What if she dies?"

"I'm sure she was just jinxed," I assured him even though I was thinking the same thing.

All I could think about was why she had been there alone in the first place. After what had happened last Christmas, and the fact that there are had been random attacks again, she shouldn't have been there. Those people were always hanging out in Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. I thought she knew that. I would have thought she'd given it more thought after last year.

"She's on the spell damage floor," mum said as she hurried back to us. "Let's go."

We went up to the fourth floor. It didn't take long to find where she was. Mrs. Hoofer was outside the room talking to Ben. The moment they saw us, Ben rushed over to hug me.

"How is she?" Mum asked. "What happened?"

"They shattered her leg," Mrs. Hoofer answered. "She'll be fine. She's still out, but they don't want to wake her yet. They're going to give her a potion in a little bit to wake her. They just want to make sure they fix all the damage."

"So it's just her leg?" Timmy asked with relief.

"Yes, it's just her leg," Mrs. Hoofer said smiling down at him. "My you've grown a lot since I last saw you. I can't believe you're already in the first year."

"I'm one of the top of my year," Timmy told her happily. "Me and June are competing for the spot."

"Usually Healers can fix legs right away," I said. "Why is it taking so long?"

"Because her leg was shattered," Ben answered me. "It's different with a broken bone. They had to make sure every piece went back to where it's supposed to be. She has to stay off it for a while too."

"I don't understand how a shattered leg works," I said. "I didn't know bones could shatter."

"With certain spells they can," Ben sighed. "It's not exactly shattered, but it's the term they used. It's like splintered or something. All I know is that it went into a bunch of pieces in certain areas rather than just breaking."

"We just need to convince her to stay at someone's house now," Mrs. Hoofer said. "She won't be able to be by herself because they want her to stay in bed. We could maybe convince her sister or her old baby-sitter to watch over her."

"But Rachel has enough with Hayden and Jaime works a lot of house," Ben said. "I still say she should come over to our place."

"Well she is welcome to stay at our place too," mum said. "But I don't know how comfortable our couch will be. We could even stay at her place."

"Or I could even," I said.

"But she'll need someone who can do magic dear," Mrs. Hoofer said to me.

"I think it should be our place," Ben insisted.

"We'll talk to her when she wakes up dear," Mrs. Hoofer told him.

"She doesn't know how to make the best decisions for herself," he retorted.

"Ben, don't start again. Getting yourself worked up isn't going to help," Mrs. Hoofer told him.

I could see his face slowly turning red. I knew he was about to get angry. I was sure he was furious with her for going on her own.

"Ben, let's go outside and get some air for a few moments," I told him.

"Me too!" Timmy said but I shook my head.

"Not this time Timmy," I said. "Stay here. Maybe they'll let you go in and see her soon. I just want to talk to Ben outside."

Timmy nodded looking disappointed. I knew he wanted to be involved in whatever we were doing, but I felt I needed to get Ben away right now. He looked so angry and I had a feeling he wanted to vent. He didn't need to make a scene in the corridors. We weren't the only ones here. So I took him by the arm and nodded to the steps.

We didn't say a word to each other as we walked off. I couldn't think of what to say, and I had a feeling that Ben was holding back. The moment we stepped outside, he started. I didn't bother to say anything at first. I figured it was best to let him get it out of his system. Many muggles looked at him, but they just kept going on there way.

Ben ranted and raved about how stupid and impulsive she could be, and how sick and tired he was of her doing things like this. Finally, I decided to step in.

"Ben, I'm sure all she wanted to do was some Christmas shopping," I finally said. "She should have the right to go. I know you're very angry, but the worst thing you can do is yell at her."

"No, this time I am yelling at her Ellen," Ben said. "I've held back on a lot of things, but not this time. It could have been a lot worse than a shattered leg. Mum and dad have kept me up to date with a lot the things that have been happening lately. This group seems to miss the days of You-Know-Who. They have actually taken some young muggleborn's places. They haven't killed them, but they do something to them to the point that they are terrified when they return. A couple of third year Ravenclaw girls decided not to return. They could have done the same to her, or even worse because they saw her with Harry Potter last year. We're all worried that she is a target now because of that. Ellen, I can't handle much more of this impulsiveness with her."

"Then you'd better talk to her about that," I said. "Ben, this is exactly why Michael and me are worried about you two getting married. Maybe you do need to yell at her, but you also need to sit down and tell her things too. If I annoyed Keith, he has no problem with telling me. If you two love each other as much as you say you do, you need to put up with the ups and downs or your relationship will never work. So before you propose, work on your communication issues. That doesn't involve yelling at her. Trust me, I am so angry with her right now too. I was so terrified when I got your message, but Ben, after you yell at her, you need to be there for her. She is your girlfriend, not your child."

"Then maybe she should act like a grown up," Ben said in a harsh voice. "Taking Puking Pustilles and then putting herself at risk when she knows the dangers!"

"Ben, knowing Ashley, she just wanted to do some shopping. She probably didn't realize just how dangerous it is. Hell, I was even considering going with Timmy. I'm glad I didn't, but then again I am not a target. I just feel if she knew exactly the danger, she would not have gone. She probably would have even written to me to go with her," I said.

"No, you don't need to be with her either!" Ben said to me angrily. "It could have been both of you or Timmy!"

"So are you saying that you're the only one who should be with her?" I asked. "Why? Because you're a bloke? They'd attack you to Ben. It could have happened to any of us."

"You said you're pissed at her too," Ben said.

"Because of last year, but I still feel she just didn't think of how dangerous it was," I said. "I'm trying to see it from her point of view as well as my own. You and I both know she wouldn't intentionally put herself in danger like that. Ben, you need to calm down," I said and then I added jokingly without thinking. "Maybe we should share a joint together. It could mellow you out."

I'd forgotten that Ben didn't know that I smoked it once a while. There was a few times when Michael and me did it together, but even Keith did it. I'd been shocked to find that out. Ben was against drugs though. I remembered him saying something about Ashley's sister and drugs.

"Why do you have one?" He asked and I looked at him with shock.

"No," I said. "I was just kidding. We couldn't do that on a public muggle street Ben. I am surprised you'd be open to that."

"I've smoked it since last year," he answered with a shrug. "Not a lot, but I tried it at the last party with the boys. It does mellow you out though."

"Well I don't have any, but maybe later we can do that. I never knew you did that," I said feeling amused now. "I thought you looked down on Jaime for that."

"Not with the weed. She does other things. Ashley doesn't know I do. Don't tell her. Anyway, how long have you been doing it for?" Ben asked.

I explained about Zachary and his friends. I hadn't really seen much of him, but I thought he had a girlfriend now anyway.

"Anyway, we should go in," I said to him. "I'd like to see her. Have you seen her yet?"

Ben nodded. "She doesn't look good. She looks all sunken and kind of grey. It scared me when we got here. I actually thought she was dead."

We went back inside.

"So how did you know she was here?" I asked as we headed to the steps to take us back to her floor.

"Denver found her!" Ben spat. "I find it a bit odd that she was attacked and he was right there. I've seen him talk to Xavier and Don sometimes. What if he told them she was there?"

"But how would be know?" I asked not wanting to believe that of Denver.

"She might have mentioned it to him," Ben said to me. "She didn't tell me, but she might have told other people."

"She did tell me she was planning to do some Christmas shopping," I said. "But I just thought she meant in her town. She said she wanted to surprise her mum and step father. She never said Diagon Alley."

"Exactly, and she could have told Denver who assumed she meant Diagon Alley, and then he told them!" Ben said angrily.

"I just don't believe that of Denver," I said but something else was on my mind.

Ben was suspicious of Denver because he talked to Xavier and Don sometimes. I'd see it too, but he was always arguing with them from what I saw. I had no proof, but what if Ashley had told Nicole and she had told the boys? If she was somehow involved in this, I would never forgive her. I felt instant anger. I couldn't like Nicole even if I tried. I didn't bring this up because I knew Ben wouldn't listen. I would wait until I had more information because there was a chance that I was very wrong.

"Well I am going to do what I can to find out why he was there," Ben said to me.

"Doesn't he always hang out down there? Didn't you bump into him quite a bit when you've worked down there?" I asked.

Ben didn't answer though. We reached the fourth floor. We didn't see mum, Timmy or Mrs. Hoofer anywhere. The door to her room was now open. It had been closed before. We peeked in to see both Ben's parents in there, mum and Timmy. I wasn't sure of the amount of visitors but at the moment I didn't care. I hurried in with Ben right behind me. I didn't stop until I reached her bed.

She was hooked up to an IV with a clear potion going into her. They had her leg slightly elevated. Her eyes were to tightly shut that I thought she did look dead. I could see what Ben meant by the slight greyish look to her. It did look quite scary. I was relieved to see her chest rising up and down however.

"Why is she so grey?" I couldn't help but ask.

"We're not sure," Ben's father told me. "She checks out as healthy. It's just her leg. They think she's a bit underweight, but that's about it. She's always been that way however. Maybe it's just from whatever they hit her with. They stunned her right after. She looks better than she did. She is slowly getting more and more colour to her.

"She does look better," Ben agreed with a grunt but I could tell he was still very angry.

"I'm just glad it wasn't worse," mum said.

"So how long before she wakes up?" Timmy asked.

"They still need to give her the potion," Mrs. Hoofer told him. "Right now they want her leg to set. If she wakes up now, she could panic and move around. I'm sure the last thing she remembers is getting hit. So she might try to get up. She'll be confused when she wakes up because she won't know where she is."

"How long before she can walk?" I asked.

"She'll be able to start on Monday," Mr. Hoofer said. "But not for long. They think by Wednesday she'll be as good as new."

"Good," I said and then I thought about how we went for jogs a lot. "Will we still be able to jog? We jog together sometimes."

"Yes. By the time you go back to Hogwarts that leg will be as strong as it was before. As long as she rests it anyway. That's why we need people with her. She doesn't need to be walking on it. She needs to relax."

I laughed at that. "She doesn't like to relax. She won't like being waited on hand and foot."

"She'll have to learn to deal with it," Ben replied.

We stayed there for a bit longer, but eventually we had to leave. People were only allowed so much visitors, and Ben wanted to be there when she woke up. He was going to try and convince her to stay at his place. I told him to tell her to write to me when she could, and to let her know that I'd see her as soon as I could.

I was just relieved it wasn't bad. I just hoped that she would think things more throughly from now on.

A few days later, Keith, his parents and his little brother Lance came over. He had a brother a year younger than Timmy. Mum and I spent the day preparing dinner. They'd wanted to invite us over but mum was insistent on treating them at our place instead. I think at times she wanted to show that she was capable as a single mother. It didn't matter when we told her that she doing just fine on her own, it was as if she wanted to prove it anyway. Ashley had told me her mum used to do the same as well.

I felt really nervous about meeting his parents. Stan's parents hadn't liked me when Stan had introduced us at the train station. What if Keith's parents felt the same way? I remembered when Ashley had been nervous about the same thing with Denver's parents. She was lucky when it came to Ben because she'd known his parents since the first year. Ben's mother had loved her the moment she'd met her. I wasn't so sure about Mrs. Edwards. What if my potential future mother didn't like me?

I spent a lot of extra time on my appearance that day. I picked out a classy pink dress that Ashley had bought me a year ago. Generally I wasn't fan of her clothing choices. It wasn't that she had a bad taste, but she didn't like to show too much skin. Any clothes she owned that really showed her figure or some skin were ones I'd picked out for her. However, the pink dress was actually perfect for this meeting because it didn't show too much at all. I thought it actually made me look older. It went down to my knees and it hung loosely in a nice way. As I stared at myself, I realized that perhaps she knew what she was doing after all.

Mum approved of it too. When I finished getting ready and I went out to her, she looked me up and down.

"Where do you get that dress? I like it," she said.

"Ashley bought it last year for me for Christmas," I told her. "This is the first time I've worn it. Normally I don't wear her clothes because they show enough, but this seems perfect."

"Classy usually looks better than revealing clothes," mum said.

"But I don't want to dress as a prude either," I said. "I look good and I like to flaunt it."

"Believe me, I know," mum said dryly.

"Well so do you," I said. "You can't criticise me since I learned it from you."

"I'm also in my thirties my dear," mum said.

I wanted to say that since she was in her thirties, she shouldn't wear clothes like that since she was too old, but I didn't. I didn't want a fight with her today. So I just gave a small nod and then began setting up the table with her. I really wanted today to go well.

Keith and his family arrived shortly after this. I nervously opened the door. On the other side was a very beautiful smiling family. They were all blond haired and blue eyed like us. Keith's mother was dressed in a tasteful flowery dress while the blokes were all wearing suits. They had really all gone out for this. I was glad I had chosen a dress. The only person who was under dressed was Timmy, but that wasn't a big deal.

I felt shy as I let them in though. I wondered if this was how Ashley felt the majority of the time. If so, it wasn't a very nice feeling. No wonder she'd had trouble making friends at first. Once I had them inside, I introduced my mum and brother and then Keith introduced his family.

"It's very nice to finally meet you," Mrs. Edwards said to me as she shook my hand. "Keith has been talking about you for years."

Keith blushed when his mum said this.

"It's nice to meet you to. Ellen has also talked a lot about Keith," mum added. Now it was my turn to blush. "Now come on in. Take off your coats. Dinner is almost ready. We can talk until it's ready. Timmy, why don't you take Lance to your room."

I glanced at Lance who looked so much like Keith had at that age. I thought he was just as shy as his older brother too. He looked nervously at my brother. Timmy seemed to understand though. He smiled at the boy.

"Come on, I can show you some of my toys," Timmy said to Lance. "Ellen said you're muggleborn so I bet you don't have these toys. They are really neat because they are magic."

"I have some," Lance answered shyly. "But I would like to see yours."

"Okay let's go!" Timmy said excitedly and he beckoned him to follow him to his room.

I smiled at him. I loved my little brother. One moment he could seem so much older, but the next he could be so childlike. We watched as the boys hurried off.

"Ellen, why don't you take them to the living-room? I'll be right there."

The living room was just in front of us. I had to wonder if mum was nervous too since it was obvious were it was. I didn't say anything though. I just had them follow me over to our couch. I let the Edwards take the couch while I took one of the chairs.

"This is actually a fair size," Keith said as he looked around. "It's almost the size of Ashley's place, and she's in a house."

"It's in a nice neighbourhood too," Mr. Edwards agreed.

"Mum was very picky about it," I said. "We have a pool here too. It's only open in the summers."

"Keith tells us you are a very good Quidditch player," Mrs. Edwards said. "He said that's a sport they play in your world."

I nodded and began telling her about my dream to play professionally someday. As soon as I began talking about Quidditch, my nervousness went away. I wondered just how much Keith had told them about the game. I didn't think he'd told much, or else they were humouring me by letting me explain the game to them. Mum eventually joined us and stayed quiet while I went through it with them.

Eventually the conversation was between the grown ups. I decided to show Keith my room. I knew mum would want us to leave the door open. We wouldn't do anything with them there anyway, but I knew her well enough. As went to my room, I could hear excited voices coming from Timmy's room. I was glad to hear him getting along with Lance. Maybe when he started at Hogwarts, they would be friends.

Keith and I sat at my desk and caught each other up, even though it had only been a few days since we'd last seen each other. I hadn't told him about Ashley yet. As far as I knew, only Ben, Michael and Denver knew. She was of course okay now. She was at the Hoofers now and very restless. She was able to walk around somewhat just to strengthen the leg, but she couldn't put too much pressure on it.

I wasn't sure about mentioning it to Keith until he said:

"So what happened to Ashley in Diagon Alley?" He asked.

"You heard about that?" I asked and he nodded.

"A few people have heard about it," Keith said. "The ones who did said she hasn't responded back to them either."

"She might not be writing on it," I said. "I've just kept things up with Ben," and then I explained what had happened to him. I found it a bit odd that she hadn't checked it yet. It was something I would have to ask Ben about later. I hadn't really given it much thought since I knew everything that was going on through Ben.

"You're not saying that things are going to be like what they were before are you?" Keith asked me. "I don't want Lance going through all that when he's so young."

"I don't think things will get that bad," I said. "They know who is behind it. The people who are doing this are idiots. The Aurors just don't have proof that it's them. They have surveillance on them though. I was talking to Ben's parents about it, and they said it's only a matter of time before they're caught."

"Good," Keith said. "They had to know she was going to be there though. You said she was attacked the moment that she was in Diagon Alley."

"Ben thinks it was Denver," I said but Keith shook his head.

"Nope, I don't believe that for a moment," Keith said. "Denver would never do something like that. I think it's just jealousy on Ben's part because they used to date and they are still friends."

"I don't think Ben would take his jealousy that far," I said. "I know at times it does bother him, but he trusts her. He knows she loves him and not Denver. She dumped him for Ben."

"But there is always that jealousy when it comes to an ex," Keith said. "I trust you, but I do get jealous when I see you talking to Hank or Jared. I know you don't like it when I talk to Sophia sometimes."

"Yes but I just don't think Ben is basing it just on that," I said.

"Either way, it's not something Denver would do to her. He just happened to be there. You said she bumped into Xavier's father last year, and then Harry Potter took her home. It was probably someone from that group who did it," Keith said. "Hell, it could have even been Xavier's father."

"It probably was someone from that group, but how did they know she was going to be there?" I asked.

"If she told enough people it could have gotten around," Keith replied. "You know what it's like at Hogwarts."

"Like Nicole for example?" I asked.

"You're not still on that are you?" Keith asked. "Nicole isn't a bad person."

"How do you know?" I retorted.

"Ellen, you're reasons for not trusting her is because you think she is a gold digger. Don't you remember when people thought the same thing about you?" Keith said.

"But you don't see me talking to Xavier or Don either, not unless it's to tell them off. She is actually friendly with them Keith. She never came Michael the time of day until this year."

"But her parents are muggleborn too," Keith reminded me.

"So maybe they said they would leave her family alone if she gave them information about Michael and Ashley," I said.

"I don't know..." Keith said slowly but I thought I was convincing him.

"Look, I don't like falsely accusing people, and I won't say anything until I know for sure. It will just stay between you and me. I just don't trust her Keith. I know what people are saying. They know that I am competitive, and they think I am getting upset because Michael's attention is no longer on me. That's not it at all. I want him to be happy and I want him to meet a nice girl. I just don't think Nicole is it. Don't you find it a bit odd that she talked to so many people about how much she wanted him? She's never done that before," I said.

"Look, I understand why you think that and I don't think what everyone does say. I just don't want to believe that about her," Keith said.

"I don't either. I didn't want to believe Melanie would do what she did back in second year and she did. We all knew she was crazy, but not that crazy. We don't want to believe that of any of our classmates but it can happen. Look what happened with Peter Pettigrew and the Potters. This is my best friend we are talking about Keith. I want to know who sold her out, because I don't think it was a random attack," I said.

We could say much more because my mum and Keith's parents showed up at the door to tell us dinner was ready. I thought it was likely that they also wanted to make sure we weren't making out or something either. Neither of us were that dumb though.

"Don't say anything about it to my parents," Keith muttered to me as we left the room. "I don't want anything to scare them off from this world."

"I won't," I whispered back.

I just hoped that things wouldn't get bad enough his parents wouldn't find out.

Dinner went really well that night, and I knew that his parents liked me as well as Timmy and my mother. When the parents liked each other it was always a good sign. No one wanted in-laws that didn't get along. My parents had that problem. However, when they left, they all talked about getting together more often.

I wrote to Ben and Ashley as well to let them know that a lot of people knew what had happened to Ashley. I told Ben that people had been writing to her to see if she was okay, but she hadn't written back, so they were worried.

I told Ashley and she'll check her parchment and get back to everyone. I was keeping it from her for the time being. Once she was back on her feet, I was going to give it to her. I figured more people would have known. I just wanted her to relax for a few days. You know what she can be like. I didn't want her to read through all that, or to worry about so many people knowing. I'll talk to her, and I'll check the parchment to let people know she is okay and that they'll get back to her. She is getting better everyday, but she is very bored. I know she does want to see you. She is insistent about going home for a few days. She is worried that she is a burden on us even though she isn't. So perhaps when she does go home, you can see if you can stay and visit with her for a bit. If she needs help, at least you'll be there.

I rolled my eyes when I read this. Of course he was being all protective of her. She would likely be irritated once she found this out. He could be too overprotective with her, and I knew at times she hated it. One of these days I knew she was going to lose it on him, unless she already had. Ben had told me that he planned to yell at her after all. I was sure that was something she wouldn't have taken quietly. I was sure that it had even caused an argument between them and I would hear an earful from one or both.

Thankfully, mum did give me permission to go over to her place. I had to stay at home with Timmy for the morning because she was at work, but she told me I could leave after lunch. She was too overprotective of him, and I knew it irritated him. At his age, I'd been allowed to watch out for him but she still wanted him to have a sitter. However, I managed to convince her that he'd be okay for a few hours on his own.

"Ashley started baby-sitting full time at that age, and so did I in case you forgot," I reminded her. "He isn't going to burn the place down. He'll be twelve in June. Give the kid a break mum."

"I won't blow up the place," Timmy added on. "I'll even stay in my room if you want. I'm at Hogwarts now mum. I can be by myself."

So in the end, she finally just gave in and let him stay home on his own for a few hours. I knew he was excited about this. He had been wanting to be on his own for so long. I'd always given him a lot of freedom, but for some reason mum didn't want to. I didn't think it was the lack of trust. I believed it had to do with the fact that she didn't want to let her last baby go.

I could see the happiness on his face when I left to catch the Knight Bus. I just hoped he wouldn't do something stupid and blow if for both of us. I was hoping to have more freedom that summer. I knew mum was using this day to test him. If he behaved, we could both have that freedom. I didn't think she'd let me be off the hook completely, but I figured there would be more days when she'd let him be on his own.

This was all on my mind as I made the long and cold trek to Ashley's place after the Knight Bus dropped me off. During our second term, we'd be learning to apparate. I couldn't wait to learn and to be able to do it when I was seventeen. I hated the Knight Bus, and I hated days like this. Eventually Ashley would let us apparate straight into her house.

I felt some jealousy of her when I walked into her house. She'd told me I could. She was using her wand to put the dishes away. She was seventeen, so she could do magic outside of Hogwarts without supervision. At times mum let me still when she was home, but I wanted to do it whenever I wanted. It was so aggravating that I still had to wait at least seven months before I could do it myself. Ben and Ashley were so lucky. Ben used to complain because he had to wait a year since his birthday was after the cut off date, but I would take that over this. They could do magic in the sixth year. I had to wait until the seventh.

"I can't wait until I can do that outside of school," I said to her. "You and Ben are so lucky."

"I just can't until I can apparate," she said as if she'd known I was thinking the same thing. "I won't have to rely on the Knight Bus or anyone else."

I considered telling her the same thing, but I decided against it. I cared more about how she was doing. She seemed fine and fortunately, her healthy glow was back. I could even admit that she almost looked pretty at that moment. She'd grown into her looks a lot over the years and she'd never be a beauty, but at that moment she did look kind of cute. Very rarely did she ever wear her hair back. She usually wore it down to hide her face, but that day she had it tied back. It seemed to show her cheekbones a bit more.

"So how is the leg?" I asked her. "You didn't look too good in the hospital. Ben was really worried you know."

"Believe me, I know," she said without answering my question. "He started yelling at me the moment I woke up."

"I figured he would," I told her. "He was shouting at me about it. I told him he needed to calm down, but he wouldn't listen. I mean, it's not as if anyone could have known that would happen. There have been attacks in Diagon Alley, but it didn't seem to be that serious."

Although I'd originally been angry with her, but I knew she didn't know how serious it truly was. She should have thought a little more before going because of last year, but how could she really know she'd be attacked? She likely figured she could be more cautious this time around when she went by avoiding them. She knew how crowded Diagon Alley was during the holidays. She probably assumed it would be harder for them to spot her.

"I didn't even know that was happening, I mean I'm surprised people haven't brought it up at school. Usually things like that are all over the school," she said and she had a point there. "Ben acted like I should have known. We talked about everything afterwards but still. He told me I should be reading the Daily Prophet more. So I have subscribed to it. I only see the attacks mention in passing. My attack was in there, but it just mentioned that a muggle born girl had her leg broken."

"He was just terrified that's all," I told her remembering how upset he'd looked. I had been too.

"I know, we talked about everything that's been bothering us. I said he had to learn that he couldn't control every situation, and he told me I needed to stop being impulsive," she said and then she suddenly looked at me with annoyance. "Ben told me you told him about the snackboxes."

I felt annoyed too, but not with her. I was going to have to have a talk with Ben later. He'd promised me he wouldn't say a word to her about it. In a way, I was surprised he'd been able to hold back this long, but I had actually planned to use this day to talk to her about that. I would have to write to him later about that. I just hoped this wasn't going to cause a fight between her and me. I didn't want her angry with me.

"Look I was angry with both of you when I did that. I'm sorry I did. I just told him that he wasn't the best boyfriend when he made his girlfriend feel the need to lose weight, and I told him what you did. I'm surprised he didn't bring it up sooner," I said and I wondered if I should tell her everything else, but I decided not to. I wanted to hear what else she had to say on the matter. I would if she started yelling at me.

"He said he didn't see the need to since I am doing it healthy now. He said he brought up as an example of some of the dumb stuff that I do when I'm upset. He does have a point. That was foolish of me. I can't believe I came to do doing that," she said.

"I'm sorry I told him," I said honestly. "I shouldn't have, but you know I can be stupid too when I'm upset."

"We've decided, to be honest with each other from now on," Ashley told me and she didn't seem angry with me at all. "So it's better he knows. We talked about everything that night, and then while I was staying there, we talked more. Anyway, forget about that. We're supposed to be having a girls day. I have some good movies for us to watch."

"Sounds good to me," I said relief. She wasn't angry with me after all thankfully. I was still planning to write to him though. We made our way to the living-room and I noticed as we went that she was limping. "You look like you have a limp."

"It hurts," Ashley answered. "They said I will likely get some aches and pains in it, but that should go away soon enough. I have some pain potions. It's better than it was. Sunday it bothered me all day, and then Monday the Healer wanted me to walk around on it. That was awful. This is nothing compared to how it was."

I just had to wonder if we'd still be able to go for our jogs. I enjoyed that time together. I enjoyed jogging. I didn't know I would like it so much, but I did.

Ashley headed over to set up the first movie for us.

"Ben was trying his best to make me comfortable while I was there. He kept trying to tell me what to do, but he would stop himself. I can tell he is trying his best to make an effort when it comes to that. I love him, but I really wish he wouldn't do that. He needs to learn that he can't control everything," she told me.

"I notice he only does that to you when he's worried, though," I said to her. For the most part, he left her alone unless he was worried about her. He just didn't want anything to happen to her. "It's not as if he thinks he can control you completely."

"That's true. He just told me to stop walking on it and to take the potion and take a nap, but the Healer didn't want me to. He wanted to me to walk around as much as I could to strengthen it. He didn't want me lying around too much. He said lying around would make it worse for me to get back on my feet," Ashley said.

"It's why he gets bossy with me about my homework, he just worries. It drives me crazy but you know he just means well," I said. I didn't know that for sure, but I figured that's what it had to be. It made me feel guilty for being so mean to him over the summer.

"I told him that," Ashley said. "I said he had to leave you alone. He said he would, but we'll see how long that will last."

"He's worse with the subjects I have to get OWLs in. They don't seem to realize I don't care. I'm only doing those courses to have five subjects in my schedule. I'm not going to try and get NEWTs in them," I said. "I'm leaving next year at the end of the seventh year with everyone else."

I knew this would probably bother Keith more than it would bother Ben, but I didn't care. It was my life. As long as I got good grades in them so I could play Quidditch, that was all that mattered to me.

"I know," she answered which surprised me. She'd never really lectured me, except a few times last year. However, since she'd become nose to the grindstone too, I didn't think she'd agree with me. "It's not like you need them, though."

"Exactly, at least someone understands," I said relieved by this. It was less person who judged me on my choices. "By the way, did either of you tell Michael how you're doing? I know he's been worried," Michael had been writing to me, but I didn't feel it was my place to tell him. As usual, he seemed to be forgotten.

"No," she said. "I guess I should. I didn't even know he knew about it."

"Of course, he knows," I said. He was left out quite a bit, but we wouldn't have left that out. I knew he'd flip out if he found out at school. Even though at times I believed he still had some resentment for her for some reason, I could also tell he cared deeply about her. It was why had he had told her about what I'd written to Ben. He felt she needed to know. "Ben told me to tell him, so I did. He asked for us to keep him updated. Neither you or Ben told me anything until today, so I couldn't tell him what was going on."

The last part was a lie, but I wasn't going into detail about all that. I watched as she pulled out her wand to summon her parchment, quill and then ink. She didn't realize just how lucky she was. I'd give anything to do magic.

"I think he's upset," Ashley said to me. "This is his response: Thanks for letting me know. I figured you'd be fine, but I was still worried. I wish you lot would keep me updated more on things. I'm glad you're okay, though. I'll see you on New Years."

"Can you blame him?" I asked her. I'd be very angry if I had to wait to find out she or any of them were doing. Luckily I was always in the know, but I could understand his anger. It always seemed as if he'd been on the outskirts of our group.

"Not really," she replied. "He told me that he feels left out a lot, and we don't help much."

"I know we don't," I said. "I know it was only a few days late, but I often wonder if it's because he came into our group late. The three of us have always been in the loop with each other, but he's always the last to know."

"That could be it; he did have a rough start with us. Then there was that huge fight in the second year. All of us kind of drifted apart in the third and fourth year, but the three of us always managed to hang out," she said.

"That's why we need to make sure we throw him a good seventeenth birthday party," I said. It was something I'd been thinking about lately. We needed to make sure it was a good one. He'd realize how much we cared then.

"Not by the lake, though," Ashley said. "It seems everyone wants to do that now."

"Yes we'll have to think of something better," I said although I was thinking that it could be in Hogsmeade. "But he has to know we care. I just hope you guys have good plans for mine," I added with a wink.

"Ben and I actually started planning that one last summer," she told me which actually surprised me. We'd been fighting in the summer, and Ben had basically ended our friendship. It was nice to know that they hadn't wanted things to end forever. If they'd been thinking of me in the summer, it proved that while they'd been angry, they still wanted to be my friend. "You know there is a good chance that we'll be in Hogsmeade around then," Ashley continued. This was one of the reasons we were best friends. We usually thought of the same things. "If we can find out the date, we could easily do something for him Hogsmeade at The Three Broomsticks or something. It will definitely have enough room for all the people who would want to be there. If he's still with Nicole, we can plan it with her."

I didn't want to plan it with Nicole. I still had my suspicions about her, but I wasn't going to tell Ashley my thoughts yet. I needed more proof first. So I decided to just ignore her comment about Nicole. I had a feeling if I said something, we would have a disagreement and that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to have a good visit with my friend. Soon we'd be going out into the real world and we wouldn't have moments like this much longer.

Timmy invited all of his friends over before the New Years party. He decided it was easier to get them all over there. I still didn't want him there, but Ashley had already invited him and mum was fine with it. I'd already warned him that he'd better behave and to stay away from me.

"I'll have my friends and Ashley said there would be other kids my age there too," Timmy had told me. "Quit being so paranoid all the time Ellen."

I knew he was just happy to be involved with the big kids. He'd been wanting to go since my first party. He'd even pointed out to me that I couldn't say that he was too young because he was the same age I was at the first party. I hated it when he used logic against me.

It was even worse that when he invited his friends over that I had to let the girls bunk with me. I didn't mind June or Sally-Anne, but I hated the fact that Tracy was in my room. I hated the little girl even more than I did Tara, and that was saying something. I didn't think it was possible to meet someone more bitchy than Tara, but apparently I had. I just wanted to slap her.

"This room is small," Tracy said in such a bitchy tone when I showed them where they would sleep.

"Don't complain," I told her. "You're a guest here. If you don't like it then go home. Don't touch any of my stuff either."

"I'm just stating a fact," Tracy said.

"So am I," I replied. "Now that you've seen it, go play with Timmy. I don't want you in here until it's time for bed."

Tracy glared at me and then stalked out. June and Sally-Anne both smiled and thanked me before they followed her out. After they left, I went through my stuff to hide anything private. Knowing the little bitch, she would probably try and read my diary or something. So I put everything into my closet before I went out and asked mum to charm it so they couldn't get in it.

"Aren't you going overboard dear?" Mum asked me and I shook my head.

"You saw her attitude," I said. "I don't want her touching my stuff. I don't like her."

"She is a very rude little girl," mum agreed.

Tracy had been rude the moment she'd walked in the door. Mum hadn't said a word though. I knew she wouldn't keep her silence for very long if Tracy kept it up. I knew for the time being she wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"I know you don't want to baby-sit him, but please do look in on him once and a while," mum said to me.

"I think Ashley is making them stay in the living-room for the night anyway," I said. "He won't be the only one around that age. I know she'll check on them once and a while too. I do want to have a good time though. So I am not watching him all night. I still don't even think he should be there. You should have just said no."

"Ashley invited him and you were that age when you went," mum said.

"I just don't like having my little brother at the same parties as me. She is going to keep doing that too. She did it with Alana and her friends," I complained.

"So talk to Ashley about it," mum said looking annoyed with me. "She invited him and he wants to go. I trust her. This isn't something you should tell me."

"There is no point," I said. "She wants him involved, and especially now with June. He'll be at every party now. I just have to get used to it."

Mum smiled at me now. "Ellen, you're in your sixth year. Next will probably be the last party. Honey, he's growing up now. I know it's strange hearing that come from me, but it's the truth. If she invites him, he won't bother you. He stopped following you around years ago. He's been fighting for independence for so long. I know it means a lot to him to be invited because to him it means that he is grown now. This is a party for older kids after all. He'll behave because of that reason. You also said that he kept his promise to stay away from you at school. So I imagine he will at the party too. He has his own friends now too."

It wasn't just about him following me around, but I didn't how to explain it. It was just simply that I didn't want him at the same parties as me. There was no point in me talking about it though. No one was going to take me seriously. No one ever took my complaints seriously.

Every year we went, it was less of Jaime's muggle friends and more of Ashley's Hogwarts friends. That year, absolutely none of Jaime's friends were there. All of the teenagers that were there were for Ashley, except the exception of little Dwayne's friends. He was now about thirteen. It was hard for me to believe that he was a teenager now considering I'd helped her baby-sit him.

"Very soon it will be these kids taking it over," I said to Ashley as I nodded at Dwayne and his friends. "Unless your mum stops these parties."

"She'll keep them going," Ashley said. "She's going to miss this. She knows next year is going to be the last one. If Dwayne and Louie want to keep the parties going, she'll let them."

"It won't be like this though," I said as I gazed around at everyone. Michael was already setting up a poker tournament. Some of the adults were trying to get involved as well as the Hogwarts kids.

Ashley had decided to leave the Nintendo for all the kids fourteen and under. She figured that was the best way to keep them away from the alcohol. She'd already warned them all to stay away from it, and I'd done the same with Timmy and his friends. Ashley's mother had also set out a bunch of board games as well. Some of the teens originally complained about it, when I peeked in, I saw that a bunch of them were having competitions. It didn't surprise me. At that age, we'd learned to turn things into competitions as well.

I was just glad to be part of the group who the adults didn't care that drank. In the past, we had to sneak it but no one batted an eye now. Not even Rachel was around to watch over us, but I had to wonder if it was because of Hayden. I couldn't remember if she'd been there the year before either. I actually missed having her around. I missed the manicure sessions we'd have before the parties.

Thankfully that night, Ashley seemed to want to 'baby-sit' more than I did, so after a while I forgot about my brother and his friends. I just interacted with everyone and drank. It was almost strange drinking openly with these people. I was used to it at Hogwarts with the Hufflepuff's, but I'd never really seen the rest of them drunk.

"Let's do a shot together," Nicole said to me she and Michael joined Keith and me.

"No!" I snapped at her.

The last thing I wanted to do was drink with her. Keith and Michael stared at me with shock while Nicole eyed me. She raised her eyebrows before turning to Michael whose expression turned from shock to anger.

"I don't want to do shots," I said with a shrug.

"I saw you just do some," Nicole said.

"So maybe I am good for now," I told her.

"I just can't believe Ashley's mother is letting us drink now," Nicole said. "We never used to be allowed to before."

"We're sixteen now," I said but more in a snappish way.

Keith put a hand on my shoulder. I could see Michael's face slowly turning red now, but I didn't care. I didn't like her, I didn't trust her, and I wasn't going to be nice to her. If she was behind Ashley's attack, I had every reason to treat her this way.

"Come on Nicole," Michael said taking her by the arm. "Jared will do some shots with us. I don't know where Ashley went, but I am sure she would too."

"Good riddance," I said as they walked off. I made sure it was loud enough for her to hear. Michael shot me a dirty look.

"Ellen," Keith said as soon as they were gone. He shook his head at me.

"You know why," I said to him.

"I know but you have no proof," Keith said. "What if you're completely wrong?"

"Then I'll owe her an apology. I don't care Keith. I'd rather be wrong about this," I said. "If it turns out that I shouldn't be acting this way, I will tell her I am sorry. I just don't think I am. I am not going to be nice to her. Nothing that you say or anyone else for that matter will change that."

"Well just prepared to end up having a fight with Michael," Keith said to me. "Even if you don't want to be nice to her, you know it's going to affect him. I know you don't want a fight with your friends again."

"I just wish that people would take me seriously," I said.

"I do take you seriously and I understand why you think all that," Keith said to me. "But I also know that when you insult her, you are insulting him," and then he took me by the arm and lead me into the room where all the kids were. "Listen, I know you might feel insulted by this, but plenty of people warned me against you. I hated it whenever I would get someone telling me that I shouldn't be with you. Greg tried the same thing, but then again I had a feeling he'd do that since he had with your ex's. It pissed me off so much because I know how you really are like. I hated that I had all these blokes, and even girls telling me this. If it turned out that they were right, I wanted to find out for myself."

"But Keith, this is different than someone being in love with someone else," I said.

"But Michael doesn't know that." Keith said. "All he knows is that you don't like or trust her. So for the time being, even if it bothers you, I think you should try and be nice to her for your friends sake."

"No," I said firmly and then sighed. "Keith, I don't want to fight with you about this, but I am not changing my mind."

"You're so stubborn," he said and then kissed me. "Let's just go get some drinks then."

I was glad that he gave in to this. While I didn't want a passive boyfriend (and Keith certainly wasn't) I also didn't want someone who would constantly argue with me either. This was another reason for why Ben and me weren't meant to be. He wouldn't have let it go. We would still be talking about it and it would lead to a fight. Keith knew that I wasn't going to change my mind so he didn't see the point in pushing it.

Keith and I made our way over to where some of the Ravenclaw girls were standing.

"You'll never believe this," Lindsay said to me as we approached. "Ashley and Tara were getting along and now Tara is talking to Aaron!"

I glanced over to where she pointed to see that she was indeed talking to Aaron. Tara had been turning him down for years. He was in love with her (which was surprise to most people) but she would never give him the time of day because of her love for Ben. However, he stood with a hand on her waist, and she was smiling up at him. I had never seen her give that look to anyone, not even Ben and she used to ogle him all the time. I had to wonder if that was how I'd been until I got with Keith.

"How?" Keith asked Lindsay. "What exactly happened? Why were Ashley and Tara even talking? Tara hates her."

"She actually doesn't," Lindsay said. "She's never really liked her, but she doesn't dislike her either. She was very jealous when Ashley started to date with Ben, but other than that, she just found Ashley weak. Anyway, Ashley and Tara were doing shots together and then Ashley told Tara to talk to Aaron because he was staring at her. Tara said she didn't think she had a chance because she rejected him all the time. So Ashley told Aaron to talk to her, and he did. Tara even gave Ashley the thumbs up."

"Did Ashley maybe put a Cheering Charm on Tara?" I asked with shock. "Even if she doesn't hate her, she's never been friendly with her."

"She is when she drinks," Zoey told me. "Tara always gets friendlier when she drinks, and she was very happy to be invited to this party. She's always wanted to come. I was shocked when Ashley let them come too."

"Well it's because she has been getting along with Natalie," I said. "And maybe even Lydia. She didn't want to invite them but not Tara, so she just let all three come. I was surprised too, believe me. I asked and that was her reason. I've known her for over five years now, and she continues to surprise me. I just hope next year we won't see Don and Xavier here."

"Ashley is friendly, not stupid," Sophia spoke up. "Inviting Tara here is not the same as inviting those prats here. Tara can be a bit much, but she isn't on the same level as them."

"Relax," I told her. "I wasn't serious. We do worry that sometimes she'll befriend the wrong person. She hates leaving people out, and she did let them go to Ben's birthday party."

"Because she didn't want any of the sixth years left out," Jared said as he joined us. "I've heard you lot talk about that before. She is not going to befriend Xavier and Don, especially after what happened in Diagon Alley. I don't like Tara much either, but she can't be compared to them. You said the same thing when she decided to be my friend too. Besides, inviting them to Ben's party isn't the same thing Ellen. She invited them at school. If she'd had the party here, she wouldn't have."

"You get too defensive about her," I said to him. "I wonder why that is."

I knew I was being a little bitchy by that point, but I didn't like how I was being ganged up on. I hadn't been serious when I'd made the Don and Xavier comment. I knew she would never invite them over to her place. Sophia and Jared were getting too defensive about it. So I couldn't help but send a jab at Jared. All he did was raise his eyebrows at me. When it came to him, I still felt resentment for what he'd done in the summer. He shouldn't have just broken up with me instead of shagging me first.

"Because you're her best friend, and yet I hear you say things like this. I know for the most part that you're probably kidding, but I still don't like to hear it. That's not the way she is at all. You and Michael are too much when it comes to her, and I get tired of hearing it," Jared told me. "And you know what I am talking about Ellen. You're at a party at her house, you should remember that."

And without another word, he walked off. I stared after him. Apparently I would have to watch what I said around him. It was just a joke. I rolled my eyes and even pointed this out.

"I can kind of see his point though Ellen," Keith said. "We do know you're joking, but it's almost calling her stupid when you say that. I think that's why Jared got so defensive about it. We all know that she actually wouldn't."

"And I've never had issues with Tara, and I feel it's insulting to Tara to say something like that," Sophia added on. "I know that you two don't get along Ellen, but it really is wrong to compare her to them. I mean, if you want to compare her to someone, compare her to Melanie maybe. That's what I have a problem with. I like you Ellen, but sometimes you do have to think before you speak."

I nodded finally understanding. It wasn't what I was trying to imply, but I did understand their point. I was trying my best to understand other people, but I wished they would understand me too. I was not trying to imply that Ashley was stupid. I had just made a joke and that was all. Perhaps it was a poor one, but it wasn't mean to insult her or anyone.

"Okay, okay, I get the point. I wasn't trying to imply any of that though," I said. "Anyway, about Tara and Aaron, do you think that it's going to last, or is it just because she is drunk?"

"Oh it will last," Natalie said as she walked over with a tray of shots for us. I found it a little odd she was being friendly with me, but she was. She was smiling at me. "Tara has been in love with him for years, she just was too hung up on Ben. Look at her though, she is thrilled."

I glanced over at them again. It was almost scary to see that loving expression on her face because it didn't seem like her. Since the day we'd met, Tara always wore a smug expression on her face. The thing was, I didn't think her and me were that different after all apart from the obvious reasons. She'd met Ben on the train, and fell in love with him because she saw the similarities in them. They were both Ravenclaw destined (or so they thought at the time) and they were both very smart. She thought that she'd met her soul mate that day, and she'd hung onto that fantasy for years. We were also both very competitive. If we hadn't ended up being enemies that day because of that competition, her and me probably could have ended up good friends.

"Maybe she'll actually start being friendly now," Zoey said.

"And we won't have to listen to her bitch about Ashley and Ben anymore," Natalie added. "I've had to hear it for the last year and a half. Even she knew in our first year that they'd end up together, but she was in denial."

"Sound familiar," Keith said as he glanced at me.

"Yes it does," Lindsay said as she too looked at me. I didn't know if she was talking about herself too. At times I thought she still wanted him. She really hadn't moved on from Ben. She still dated, and she'd had a couple of boyfriends since but I didn't think she was over it.

"What is it about Ben?" Sophia asked. "He's cute, but there are plenty of blokes who are better looking. Nathan is gorgeous and yet the girls don't fall over themselves for him."

"I think it's the handsome and smart think," Zoey said. "I used to like him too, but he's actually too intense. I don't know how Ashley puts up with it."

"She'll call him out on it though," I said. "She's never let him get too controlling even when he tries. I think it's how they compliment each other. They're still learning though. They do have communication issues, but Ashley said they worked through a lot of it recently. It's something I wouldn't be able to handle. I doubt Tara would either."

"Nope," Natalie answered quickly. "Those two would have broken up by now if they'd dated. We even pointed that out to her, but she was trying to say they could be like Ron and Hermione."

"Me too," I said. "Tara and me really aren't that different after all."

"Nope," every single person standing there said and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Let's just do these shots," I said still smiling.

I took a shot myself and glanced at Tara and Aaron again. They were dancing now. They really did look good together. I hoped it would last, and not only for my friends sake. For the first time since first year, I actually felt I couldn't hate her. Maybe I'd changed my mind tomorrow, but at the moment I felt connected to her and I wanted her to be happy.


	15. When tragedy strikes

When Tragedy strikes

I was excited for the new term to start. We would finally be starting our Apparition lessons. I wasn't sure when exactly. I just knew the moment I turned seventeen, I would apparate where ever I could whenever I wanted. I would annoy my brother with it. I knew he was jealous that I was about to learn.

He'd blown it at Ashley's New Years party. I was sure she would never want to invite him to a party again, and I was glad about this. He and two of his friends had set up indoor fireworks at the party. Ashley had been so angry with him for it. I had been too, but I was also glad he'd done. It just proved he wasn't old enough for those kind of parties. Now she would never invite him, and I wouldn't have to deal with him being at the same parties at me ever again.

I was ready to tell Ashley that she shouldn't invite him again, but Michael brought up shocking news to us instead and I forgot about Timmy for the time being.

"My parents finally wrote to me," Michael told us. "They wrote me on Christmas day."

"Really?" I asked with surprise and I couldn't help but wonder why he waited so long to tell us. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Well I didn't think New Years was the best time to do it, and I didn't want to write about it three times," he said. "I figured I'd tell you guys when we were all together again."

I could understand his point there, although I believed he must have forgotten that you didn't have to write it more than once with the parchment. All you had to do was write all three numbers and it would mass message everyone.

"So what did they say?" Ashley asked.

"They want me to go home in the summer," he answered. "But I am not going to. I am going to be seventeen by then. They can't make me do anything. They don't seem to understand that in the wizarding world I will be legal age. They think it's eighteen."

"After all this time they're trying to get a hold of you?" I asked. If it were me, I wouldn't want to talk to them. If dad suddenly contacted me, I don't think I would talk to him. He'd chosen another family over us. I hadn't heard from him in so long. "A bit late really."

"I am going to go there for a visit, but not to stay," he said. "There must be a reason they're contacting me. I'll see what their intentions are but there is no way I am living there again. I can't go back to that life. I don't even want to know what state the house is in."

"Maybe they have jobs now," Ashley said but Michael shook his head.

"I asked. They said no. Part of me thinks that people are asking them where I am. It's hard for it to go unnoticed when a child goes missing. People must wonder why I am never there anymore," Michael responded.

"Yeah my mum gets that a lot," Ashley said with a small nod. "But at least I'm home for the holidays. Although mum isn't happy that I am staying for the Easter holidays again."

"You're staying here again?" I asked surprised. She'd been going on and on about apparating home instead of using the Knight Bus.

"I didn't know that," Ben said. That surprised me even more. She usually told him everything about her plans. This would have been something I'd think she would have told him. He'd do what she was doing after all. "I thought we were going home."

"I decided last term," Ashley told him. "I'll have better access to the library. I really want to do well on my exams. I'm staying next year too."

"I'm just shocked because you were excited about apparating home," I said to her.

"I know, and I am," Ashley replied. "But I want to do well on my exams as well. I honestly think I did better last year because I stayed. I mean, I know I can do magic at home now but the library is more helpful. I've noticed we need it a lot more now than we ever did the first five years here."

"You do have a point there," Ben said and I couldn't help but roll my eyes with amusement. Of course he was giving in right away. If he'd wanted to see his family, it wouldn't matter.

"We had a good study group going last year," Michael spoke up. "We should do that again. I liked how we planned each day for each subject."

"I'll have all summer to apparate anyway," Ashley said.

"I'll never understand you," I said to her. She was taking too much classes when she didn't need to. It was something I kept pointing out to her, but she wouldn't listen. The last two years at Hogwarts could have been so easy for her, but she was choosing a difficult path instead. If I were her, I'd have stuck with just Charms. She didn't need the rest. Anything she needed to know, she could look up. "I can understand for people like Ben or Tara, but I just can't for you. You don't need all the extra classes."

"We've been through this," Ashley said to me sounding irritated. "I'm honestly getting tired of people questioning me about it. I know I don't need the extra classes; that's not the point. I am here to learn. I just want the challenge. I want to see how well I do by the end of seventh year."

"I just find it ridiculous," I told her.

"Should she have gotten T's on her OWLs instead?" Michael asked me.

How could be throw that in my face? He knew that I'd been having a hard time last year. He knew I was ashamed of it. He was also still in love with me, so why would he be mean to me? Lately he'd been rude to me when he shouldn't. At times I felt he was choosing Nicole over me.

"Really?" I asked him angrily. "You're going to throw that in my face."

"Ellen, we all know you don't take school work as seriously as the rest of us," Michael replied. "That's fine and it's your choice. I just think it's ridiculous when you bother Ashley or Ben, or anyone really for taking extra classes. It's up to them to do what they want. To be honest, I still can't believe you let yourself fail. You're smart enough to do well and you let yourself fail on some of the most important exams you'll ever take. You're not even taking it seriously now. You could be making up for it, but you won't. We all know you're only taking your OWL classes now just to have five classes. By the end of next year you won't care if you get the grades in them or not."

"That's my business, Michael," I said. What I took or didn't take wasn't anyone elses business but my own. It wasn't even Keith's, but I just did it because I knew it made him happy. At the end of day, it shouldn't matter to anyone else. So why did they always have to get on my case about it? "It's no one else's damn business. My future lays in Quidditch. Professor Sprout has already had scouts watching us, and several want me."

"Okay, so why is it your business if Ashley chooses to have extra classes? You get upset when people bother you about your study skills, so why do you do the same?" Michael asked.

"You know what? I don't have to take this," I said to him.

My case was completely different from hers. She was doing all this school work when she didn't need to, and she was stressing herself out from it. Even Ben disagreed with her for doing it. I felt too angry to stay there though. I'd told Keith that I planned to hang out with my friends that night, but I was getting really tired of Michael's attitude towards me. So I got up and went to join Keith and Dan instead.

"You look angry," Keith said when I joined them.

"Michael!" I spat out and I told them everything.

"He has a point," Dan said. "You get so angry when Ben or anyone else bothers you about your study habits, but yet you do the same thing. It's not Michael's business if you just want to do Herbology just like it's not your business if Ashley wants to do as many classes as she does. I'll admit, I don't understand it either. However, I do admire her for sticking to it. Not many people will do that."

"She's doing it because she thinks she needs to prove herself," I said. "She wants to prove herself with Ben but to everyone else because of her learning disability."

"And that's her business Ellen," Dan said. "You're just not getting it. You only expect people to understand you, but you're not willing to do the same. It shouldn't matter to you what she does or doesn't do. I'm willing to bet that she never bothers you about your classes. She probably even understands."

"Ellen honey, just focus on your school work," Keith told me.

"Michael still shouldn't have talked to me like that either way," I stated. "It doesn't matter whether or not he agrees or disagrees. He should never talk to me like that. He is supposedly still in love with me and yet he puts Nicole or Ashley first."

Dan just stared at me and then shook his head. I wanted to ask why but I decided against it. Once again it seemed people wanted to be against me instead of understanding me. I glanced over at Michael to give him a dirty look. The three of them were talking, and I guaranteed it was about me. Ashley glanced over at me which confirmed this. I looked away quickly. I felt part of this was her fault.

As if he knew that I was fuming, Keith reached over and put a hand on my leg. He didn't have to say anything. It did calm me down.

The next day ended up being exciting. We were able to sign up for apparition lessons, but an article also appeared in the paper. Everyone knew by that point that Ashley wanted to teach children before Hogwarts, and that she'd talked to the Ministry of Magic about it over the summer. No one knew if it could actually happen or not though. However, in the Daily Prophet there was an article about it. It showed the pro's and con's about a school before Hogwarts, and it also had a poll for people to vote on. So far, the majority of people were all for it.

It was a new Charm where people could vote with their wands. Unfortunately, it only registered people who were seventeen and older. So people like me couldn't vote. I wanted to vote yes to help her out. I knew that it didn't mean that a school would open, but at least if the majority agreed, they would likely try.

Most of the sixth and seventh years seemed on board with it, and they wanted to vote yes. Even the people who didn't like Ashley were trying to vote yes. I was surprised by this. I was sure they wanted a school for their kids to go to before Hogwarts, but on the other hand, it was Ashley. I knew that Charlie from Gryffindor hated her even though he was nice to her. He just wanted to be invited to her parties with the rest of his friends. I overheard him telling his friends that he'd voted yes. I heard Tara lamenting the fact that she was still sixteen so she couldn't.

"Since when do you want to help her out?" I asked her.

We were in the bathroom and washing our hands. She was with Natalie who had voted for her.

"She helped me with Aaron," Tara said. "All these years I've been after Ben and yet she still helped me."

"But you could have ended up with Aaron anyway," I pointed out. "Just how many times did you turn him down?"

"That's not the point Ellen," Tara told me. "She still helped me out even when she didn't have to. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that she just wants me to stay away from Ben, but I also know she just wanted to help too. Besides, I do agree with having a school before Hogwarts. I think it could help out a lot of people, especially Muggleborns. Why do you have a problem with it?"

"I don't have a problem with it. I am just surprised to see people who don't even like her voting yes," I answered.

"I really don't hate her that much. I never really have. Even if I did though, I do want to have kids someday. Why jeopardize my kids future over a stupid school rivalry? I believe a lot of people feel that way. If it were me doing it, would you vote no?" Tara asked.

"No," I answered honestly. "I want my kids to go to a school like that. I went to Primary school and while they didn't bully me like they did Ashley, they did keep a distance from me. Ashley and Ben were my very first friends."

Tara nodded and I stared at her. She was different. Was it because of Aaron or was this something that had been happening a while? Her and me could never have a conversation like this without eventually getting close to hexing each other. She was being so civil. Everyone said she was friendlier when she was drunk (I hadn't seen her drunk until at Ashley's) but I highly doubted she'd been taking shots between classes. So I couldn't help but ask:

"Have you been hit with some kind of personality changing charm? You're so different lately, and I think this has been going on even before Aaron."

Tara shrugged. "Maybe I've just grown up. I'm just sick of all these rivalries Ellen. When we were in the younger years, it was fun but I don't know, things are different now. We're almost done school and I just don't want to leave with all these enemies."

"I overheard you telling off Melanie in our second year," I said to her. "I was the same bathroom was you. You stuck up for Ashley back then even though you kissed Denver."

"I was testing him, but I shouldn't have done it. I just had a hard time believing that a boy like that could be so loyal to her. It was that shallow bitchy part of me. What Melanie did was low though. Not even I would stoop to that kind of level. I didn't like her, and I thought it was kind of pathetic she stayed in bed for days, but that was just psycho. Ellen I never would have fed Ben a love potion you know. I know I was looking at them, but I've never actually bought them. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Melanie did consider it though. Remember how she used to hang out with us? She was considering trying to feed Ben one to get him away from her. I talked her out of it. I hated when she hung out with us, but Natalie and Lydia liked her at first," Tara told me. "Well, Lydia still does, but she hangs out with her away from us."

"I wouldn't trust her you know," Natalie who had been quiet up until this point spoke up. "There is something not right with Melanie. Tara is trying to make amends with people because she truly wants to. Melanie doesn't. She is just tired of people hating her, but she isn't sincere. She is just doing what will please people, but she'll turn around and stab you in the back if it means it will please other people. Same with that Nicole. I don't think she is sincere with dating Michael."

"I don't either," Tara said. "I know you might not trust us, but something just seems off with her Ellen."

"No, I know want to know what you mean," I said.

Finally, someone else was seeing it too. I didn't know how I felt about Melanie. I would never see her as a friend. I really didn't talk to her unless I had to. If she decided to try and stab us in the back, it wouldn't bother me. The love potion thing was interesting but otherwise I felt indifferent about her. However, I did need to hear their thoughts on Nicole. Although in the past, I wouldn't trust Tara but I could tell she was sincere.

"She seems friendly with Don and Xavier," Tara stated and I nodded when she said this. "Besides, she's only even gone for blokes with money. I doubt Nicole things that Michael will inherit anything from the Hoofer clan. So why is she with him?"

"I've wondered the same thing, but no one takes me seriously," I said. "I've never wanted him with her, but everyone says it's that competitive thing I have with other girls. This time it isn't. I just don't know why she'd want to be with him. Why do Xavier and Don connect? I also wonder if somehow she was connected with Ashley's attack in Diagon Alley. I haven't told my friends that, but I know Ashley did tell a lot of people that she was going Christmas shopping. What if Nicole told them?"

"It could be it," Tara said and then she looked at Natalie. "At least we aren't the only ones who see this. Lydia doesn't believe us. She still likes Nicole and Melanie. She thinks we're over-thinking things, and that Nicole just doesn't want enemies. She's even tried to compare her to Ashley."

"Nicole isn't anything like Ashley," I said.

"We know that," Natalie said. "You know, I never actually disliked Ashley. I hate to admit it, but I was just doing it to fit in with Tara and Lydia. I know that's just as bad, but I was insecure. I've never hated you either Ellen."

"I did," Tara spoke up quickly and she smiled at me. "I don't anymore though Ellen. There is no point in lying and saying that I felt the same way about you as I did with Ashley. When it came to you, I just sensed that competition on our first day on the train with Ben. It just kind of turned into a rivalry after a while."

"So what made you change your mind?" I asked her. I'd only just started to accept her.

Tara sighed. "At first I pitied you. I saw you go through your break down when Ben and Ashley started to date, and I felt bad. I couldn't hate you. Then I started to see that you and me weren't really that different after all. I don't know exactly when it was that I started to actually like you though. I just admired you go from that depressed girl to the stronger girl you are now."

She was being honest with me, so I figured I'd be honest back with her. I explained it was New Years when I saw her with Aaron, and I began to realize that we weren't really that different. I felt like I was in an alternate universe at the moment though. I'd never thought that Tara and me could talk to each other with mutual respect. I didn't know if we'd ever be best friends, but I had gained a new friend, I could tell.

"This is mental," Natalie said with a grin. "You two are getting along. I never thought I'd see the day."

Tara laughed. "Neither did I but like I said, I am tired of the fighting, especially when it's actually for no reason. I have to admit, I am embarrassed by the girl that I used to be. I feel ashamed of some of the things I did. I'm just surprised girls are willing to give me a second chance."

I shrugged. "We can be catty with each other, but I think we also prefer when we get along. I can tell you're sincere Tara. If you two could do me a favour and keep an eye on Nicole, I'll do the same. Maybe we can gather some information and then get Michael away from her."

"We'll do that, and you should watch out for Melanie too," Tara said and I gave a small shrug.

"She's friendly, but I just don't pay attention to her," I said.

"I know, but you never know when she might do something," Tara told me. "We'll see what we can do about Nicole. What's your number Ellen? It will be easier just to write to each other. You tell us, and we'll tell you."

"I just worry Michael might not take us seriously, especially since it's you two," I said.

"If I were you, I wouldn't tell him that we're involved," Natalie said. "He won't believe you if it's us. Just tell him the information we get."

"We don't mind if you don't include us," Tara said. "We're not doing this for the glory. We just don't trust her and I would hope someone would do the same for me if Aaron turned out to be a prat.

Later on, I couldn't help but think about our conversation. I was still in shock that I'd had a friendly conversation with Tara. When I told Keith about it, he actually didn't seem all that surprised. I was starting to learn that he could read people well though. I just wished he could see what it was that we saw in Nicole. He still didn't trust Melanie, but for some reason he still wanted to give Nicole the benefit of the doubt.

I didn't tell my friends about my talk with Tara, but shortly after that day, she ended up protecting Ashley. It wasn't just her, but Aaron, Eric and Ted as well. Ashley had run into Xavier and Don, and they'd had a small confrontation where they uttered some threats to her. Tara and the others had stuck up for her, and then they told her to just to walk with them to History of Magic for a while.

Tara of course told me about this, but so did Ashley. I felt really worried, and I grew more and more suspicious of Nicole. I was seeing her talking to the boys more and more. Often I would glare at Michael because he wouldn't take me seriously. I was scared something was going to happen to him, and not him or anyone else would listen.

It wasn't until the end of January when it happened. Most of the month was peaceful and everyone was getting along. We were all looking forward to our apparition lessons. I was distracted most of the month with Quidditch, my suspicions about Nicole and my school work. So the time went by rather quickly.

One day, Professor Sprout entered our Charms class looking very unhappy. We were all trying to learn how to summon non verbally when she walked in. The unhappy expression on her face distracted most people. Usually she was a very happy woman, and it wasn't often that she entered our classes. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch her walk over to Michael.

"I wonder what that's about," I said turning to Ashley who was beside me. "She didn't look too happy. You don't think he's in trouble do you?"

"I don't know," Ashley said. "He has skipped classes to hang out with Nicole. Maybe they finally got caught."

"I knew that girl was bad news," I replied. I couldn't help but insult her when I could. Ben could obviously sense this because he rolled his eyes and said:

"Sure you did."

I felt angry but I didn't want to fight, so I didn't come up with a comeback. I just kept my mouth shut. I wished Tara was in our class, but she hadn't continued with Charms. I felt as if Keith was getting tired of my suspicions, so for the time being, I wasn't going to say anything to him either. It was going to be hard since I told him everything.

However, it turned out I didn't have to say anything to anyone. We didn't see Michael for the rest of day, and then at the end of classes at dinner, Professor Sprout summoned the three of us to Professor McGonagall's office.

"Oooh!" All the boys said, but I felt worried. I didn't think this was a joke. Something was wrong and it wasn't that we were in trouble. It was about Michael, and I didn't know how anyone else couldn't see it. They all started to joke around about it. The girls seemed to agree with me though, and Jess even spoke up. I glanced over at Ashley and Ben to see that they looked worried too.

After dinner, we went to Professor Sprouts office. Not only was she there, but so was Professor McGonagall. This definitely raised some red flags for me. I glanced at Ashley and Ben with worry again as we took our seats.

"What happened?" Ben asked as soon as we sat down. "Where's Michael?"

"He's at your place," Professor McGonagall told him. "Your parents picked him up this morning since they are his legal guardians now. They wanted to see you and talk to you, but we believed it was important for Mr. Henson to leave. They'll be back later this evening to pick you up as well."

"He didn't get expelled?" Ashley asked and I wondered how she could think that. Why would he be expelled? "What does this have to do with all of us?"

"The three of you are Mr. Henson's closest friends," Professor Sprout said sadly. "We wanted to let you know. Last night his parents were murdered by the people who have been behind the attacks," and she nodded at Ashley. "It was the same person who shattered your leg over the holidays."

I gasped. I had been waiting for this. Nicole was on my mind, but so were Xavier and Don. How would they get his address? Sure they could have found out somehow from the Ministry, but I just had my doubts about that. I felt cold when I realized this.

"They've been caught?" Ben asked.

Professor McGonagall nodded. "We're not sure if everyone behind the attacks has been caught, but the ones who have been leading the group have been captured and questioned. They are currently in custody."

"Who was it?" Ashley asked.

"Gerald Opress," Professor Sprout answered. "He was the one behind the murders, and he was also the one who attacked you."

I felt even more cold when she said this. What if they were after her next? Why had they only broken her leg instead of killing her? It seemed odd to me. Why did they go after Michael's parents? Were they planning on going to Ashley's place next and hurting parents? What about Jaime?

"How could they have found out where his parents lived?" Ben asked.

"It's our understanding that he's been working in the Leaky Cauldron for the last couple of years," Professor Sprout said. "His information was there, but we believe he may have told someone as well. Mr. Opress's son is in the same year as you."

I had my doubts that they managed to get it from the Leaky Cauldron. I knew it was there, but could they get that information? I was sure Hannah kept private things like that somewhere safe, and guarded by magic. She'd survived the war after all. She had fought in it. It was my understanding that there were more protective charms on the place now. It wasn't just because of the war, but in case people had bar fights.

"But who could he have told?" Ashley asked. "He has some Slytherin friends, but I don't believe any of them would have-"

"Nicole!" I finally said.

"Nicole?" Ben and Ashley asked at the same time.

"No Ellen," Ashley said. "Not Nicole. She's not like that. Besides, she's been at my place many times for New Years. Considering they've attacked me already, and I've been a target why didn't she tell them my address?"

"Well nobody can get at your house anyway," Ben said. "Nobody malicious I don't think anyway."

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked.

"After what happened last winter my parents put some protective charms on your place," Ben explained to her. "After your attack my dad really wanted you to be a secret keeper but they decided not to do that yet. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it's harder for people to find your place."

"But what about all those people who were over for New Years?" She asked.

"None of those people were bad," Ben said. "You'd have to ask my parents how it works, but all I know is your house can't be found by them. Maybe they took the protective charms off for New Years. I don't know."

"I still don't believe it was Nicole," Ashley said before she turned to Professor Sprout. "So what's going on with Michael then? How many others were caught?"

"Wilfred Zent was found as well, and so were a few others," Professor Sprout said. "They were the ones who were leading the group, but they believe there are others out there still."

"Mr. Henson won't be returning to school for at least a week," Professor McGonagall added on.

"Now, you are free to see him with permission from your parents of course. Mr. Hoofer, you already have permission to go home. We wanted to inform you of what is happening, though."

"I'm of age," Ashley told them. "I want to see him as well."

"I'll have to ask my parents' permission," I said, although I was meaning more my mother than my father. He didn't give a damn. He was probably all happy with his new family and not even thinking about me. I knew mum would let me go home though. I was glad I had my message parchment in the pocket of my robes. I could write to her as soon as possible. I still wanted to address my feelings about Nicole however. They needed to know why I felt this way.

"Professor what about Don and Xavier?" Ashley asked. "I mean, they're still at school aren't they?"

"They aren't guilty of what their fathers did," Professor Sprout answered her. "We do know they express the same views as their parents. We've had enough disciplinary problems from them over the years. However, they can't be blamed for that alone. They weren't involved in the attacks. Both boys are underage; we'd know if they had."

"But once they are of age they could do something," Ashley said and I couldn't help but agree with this."They'll be angry about their fathers."

"We will be watching the boys closely," Professor McGonagall said. "But they can't be seen as guilty at the moment. We know they have been spotter in Diagon Alley with their parents but until it's proven that they were also behind the attacks, they are innocent."

"But underage magic can't be registered if grown wizards around," Ben pointed out.

"I honestly think you should be checking into Nicole Letson," I spoke up.

"Ellen, just because you're jealous doesn't mean that Nicole is guilty," Ben said harshly.

"This isn't about jealousy!" I said angrily to him. "I've never seen Michael in that way before."

"But you're jealous that his attention is no longer on you," Ashley said and I felt my face heat up as I grew angry. "You just like boys wanting you."

I couldn't believe my friends would really think this. I wouldn't accuse someone of something like this out of jealousy. Sure I had my competitive edge, but to say that I'd accuse some of this was going too far. I would never do that. How could she or Ben think that? Did they know me at all after five years of friendship?

"No I don't!" I said and I jumped up. "And I'm really hurt you'd even suggest that. This has nothing to do with jealousy. I've seen Nicole talking to Xavier and Don many times. They were talking to each other just last week. I think she gave them his address, or at least she told him where his town is. It wouldn't be hard for them to figure it out after that. She could have given your address as well, but if there are protective charms on your home they couldn't get to it."

"But they could have easily found out from the Ministry as well," Ben said. "His address would be recorded."

I was ready to yell back that it would be hard for them to get it when they aren't trusted. Maybe they had connections, but I just had my doubts. However, I saw Ashley's eyes widen and I could see she was finally getting it.

"You've seen her talking to them? Were they friendly? They weren't fighting?" Ashley demanded.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "She was laughing and joking with them. That's why I haven't been friendly with her. It has nothing to do with the past. It has nothing to do with my competitive nature either."

"You honestly think Nicole would just date Michael to sell him out?" Ben asked me with raised eyebrows.

"I don't know," I told him before I turned to Professor's Spout and McGonagall. "But it would be worth a try to talk to her about it. I knew people shouldn't be accused of something just because they associate with someone else, but it just seems odd to me."

"We can't go around accusing students my dear," Professor Sprout said to me. "We've called you here to tell you about Mr. Henson and to give you permission to see him," she looked at Ben and Ashley. "You two do have the authorization to go. Now Ms. Perenge, we can get a hold of your parents for you to let them know of the circumstances. and Ms. Dunning, the two of you may go to get your things."

Ashley and Ben both got up at the same time and left.

"I have my parchment," I said. "I'll just write to mum right now. Can she just floo here?"

Professor Sprout nodded. So I pulled out my parchment and quickly wrote to mum about what happened. She must have had it with her because she wrote back right away that she'd be over right away.

"Look, I know you can't go around accusing students," I said as soon as I finished. "But can't you at least keep an eye on her?" I asked and then I quickly explained more of my reasoning behind why I believed it was her. "I wouldn't just accuse someone for no reason."

"I know dear," Professor Sprout. "I understand why you believe that. The most we can do is watch out for her, but like I said, we can't say or do anything about any of them. We've already planned on watching out for the boys. We've talked to Professor Slughorn about that. We can talk to the Head of Gryffindor as well about Nicole. That's the most we can do unfortunately."

"That's better than nothing," I said. "Thank you."

Mum suddenly stepped out of the fireplace and brushed herself off. She hurried over to hug me before she turned to the teachers to get more information. As she was doing this, Ben's parents showed up as well.

"Well I at least want you to come home overnight," mum told me. "You can see Michael tomorrow, but there isn't much you can do right now honey."

"Except comfort him," I said and then I turned to Ben's parents. "How is he?"

"He hasn't said much," Mr. Hoofer told me. "We think he is still in shock."

"It's a bit complicated with him right now," Mrs. Hoofer added. "He had a love and hate relationship with them. I don't even think he knows how to feel at the moment. So when you do see him dear, please don't ask him too many questions. Let him bring it up. We're letting him be for the time being. We're going to tell Ashley and Ben the same thing."

"Any ideas on how they found his place?" I asked.

Perhaps they had found out more than the teachers knew, but both shook their heads. I still felt it was Nicole. I was sure that Professor's Sprout and McGonagall believed me. I knew they were right, and they couldn't just accuse her. I felt better about the fact that they would at least keep an eye on her. Maybe I was completely wrong, but I just really didn't think I was. In the meantime, at least I had four people watching her.

Ashley and Ben returned moments later with all their things. Mum explained to them that I would see them tomorrow, then she told me to get my things. I really didn't want to. I didn't feel like having everyone ask me what was going on. I left the office, but I pulled out my parchment as I did. Ashley had discovered that you could us an ordinary muggle pen with our parchments, so a lot of the time I kept one on me. So I stopped in a corridor and sent a message to both Sarah and Keith.

Sarah, could you please grab my homework bag some stuff from my trunk please. I am going away for a while, and I don't feel like having all the Hufflepuff's ask me what is going on. I am going to ask Keith to meet me outside the common room. I will explain everything once I know, but for now, could you please do this for me? Thank you.

No problem Ellen. I won't tell anyone what I am doing, but they are suspicious. Ashley and Ben came in without talking to anyone. I am assuming something bad happened to Michael though. I hope everything is okay. Please let us know as soon as you know something.

I knew I could count on her. I felt that if she hadn't chosen Melanie as her friend, she could have actually joined our group of friends instead. I think we could have all gotten along really well. Unfortunately, she had remained loyal to Melanie all these years. So many other people would have been her friend as well. She was so likeable that she had people in all four houses that she could hang out with. I was sure that if I hadn't befriended Ashley, it could have been her. I had no problem with her going through my trunk. I knew she would grab the right clothes for me as well.

I quickly wrote to Keith to meet me outside the common room. I would tell him about Michael's parents. He could tell everyone else what happened, although I had a feeling that Professor Sprout would tell the others what had happened.

When I arrived outside the common room, it was to find him standing there with one of my bags. He handed it to me before pulling me into a hug.

"So what happened?" He asked.

"Michael's parents were murdered," I said and then I told him almost everything. I left out the part about Nicole for the time being. I just told him that it was the Xavier Opress's father and left it at that. I would tell him the rest later.

"Should I tell the others?" He asked me and I nodded.

"They'll find out anyway. We might as well let them hear the real truth and just rumors," I answered. "Maybe Professor Sprout will tell you, but at least you'll know for sure. I'm not sure when we'll be back either."

"Just keep me updated," Keith told me. "I'll get your homework and everyone elses if they want."

We kissed for a few moments before saying good-bye. I wished he could come with me. Although it was my friend who needed the support, I needed some emotional support as well.

"Tell Timmy what happened too," I told him as I walked off. "He told me to tell him to let him if I found out who hexed her."

"I'll let him know before the others," Keith assured me.

I headed back to Professor Sprout's office. I was feeling jealous that Ashley, Ben and Michael could all be together but I couldn't. I wanted to be there too. I didn't get why I couldn't be with them for now. I could still go home to sleep at least. I sighed, I hated being left out. I was understanding how Michael felt now.

We went to Michael's old place the next day. The Hoofer's had to go meet Michael's grandparents, but they were letting him pick out anything that he wanted as well. I'd heard stories about his place, but I hadn't expected it to be as bad as it was. It was the most disgusting place I'd ever set foot in.

Ben and Michael had told us that the outside was depressing looking from the outside, and I understood what they meant when I saw it. I didn't understand how the house wasn't condemned. The porch was falling a part, there was a car all rusted in the driveway, and it looked as if it were sinking or something. I wondered why it hadn't fallen apart completely.

The inside was a different story. I couldn't blame Michael for not wanting to live there. The house was full of garbage and junk. At times at Ashley's, we'd watched whatever was on the telly. We had seen a few sitcoms about people who were called Hoarders. To see it in real life was ten times worse. Those people usually had clothes or books everywhere. This was just all garbage. I stared around and tried to hold my breath. The smell was almost unbearable. How had those people lived in this place for so long? How could they think it was okay to raise a child in this place?

"Goodness," I finally spoke up. It seemed there was an awkward silence as everyone took in the disgusting mess. "No wonder you didn't want to stay here. How can people live like this?"

"It's gotten worse since I've been here," Michael said to me. "Usually when I got home from school there was a mess but I always cleaned it up. I haven't been here for over two years though. It's had time to build up."

Ben began to make his way through the room, and Ashley slowly followed him. I didn't want to move. I was scared I would touch some of the garbage or perhaps one of the many bugs that were likely in the house would get on me. Everyone else began to move as well. I stayed where I was. I just wanted to turn and go back outside. I'd take the cold over the stench in the place. Ben and Ashley disappeared into a room I believed was likely the kitchen off from the living-room. I thought I saw some cupboards from my spot.

Ben parents were walking around the living-room and looking through some of the trash at the top. Michael looked as if he was trying to clean some of it up. I wasn't going to help clean. They could call me selfish if they wanted. I hadn't come to clean. I'd come to support my friend, and I would do it outside if I had to. I didn't think cleaning up this disgusting mess counted as being supportive.

Ashley and Ben returned moments later. Ashley had a camera and she was taking pictures. Michael who had been bent over from trying to clear some of the garbage stood up quickly. He looked annoyed with her. I had to wonder why she was taking pictures, and I could tell he was upset by this.

"Why are you taking pictures?" Michael demanded.

"Evidence," Ashley answered and I understood. Ben's parents were meeting Michael's grandparents because they wanted custody of him. Apparently it was complicated when muggles were involved. I could see her point in taking the pictures. "Your grandparents knew what kind of environment you grew up in. They didn't try to step in and stop this. They should have. This can show that they aren't the best guardians for you. They turned a blind eye to this kind of abuse."

"Good thinking," Mrs. Hoofer said.

"I don't know if it will be that simple," Mr. Hoofer answered. "But it will help."

I was still afraid to move, and I had to wonder if it would look bad if I went outside. There was no way his grandparents could win custody of him. They had known the conditions he'd grown up in and even if they sent people to clean up the place, Ashley had pictures. I was glad she'd thought of that. I had a feeling Michael would run away anyway.

Ashley and Michael headed down a small hallway.

"Mum the kitchen is disgusting," Ben said the moment they left. "That fridge must have died along time ago. I wouldn't let Ashley look in it. All the food is rotted to the point that a lot of it is liquid. They still have alcohol bottles in it. There were bugs and maggots inside the fridge. His grandparents just can't have custody of him. Can't they just use magic in our favour?"

"It's not ethical Ben," Mr. Hoofer said.

"It isn't ethical to leave him with them either," Ben retorted. "They knew this was going on and they didn't step in. If for some reason Barry and Tasha turned out like this, you would never let Minnie grow up in this place."

"We're going to do our damnedest to make sure he doesn't end up with them honey," Mrs. Hoofer replied. "We won't stop fighting until he is ours or even with the Dunning's."

"Alexanders, and he is going to be seventeen in June. Can't he use his adult status in our world?" Ben demanded.

"Unfortunately we don't know," Mr. Hoofer answered. "It's so complicated when muggles want to take custody of the child, and to be honest, they have more rights than we do. In the muggle world he isn't seen as an adult until he is eighteen. We're going to be dealing muggle lawyers as well as our own."

"Why don't the two of you go help out Michael and Ashley?" Mrs. Hoofer said. "We'll go in their room and you two see what you can do."

Ben sighed and then turned to me. "Come on Ellen. I know it's disgusting, but nothing is going to hurt you in here."

"You don't know that," I said but I started to make my way through the disgusting mess. "Maybe there are some venomous bugs in here that will bite me the moment I move. Maybe they have snakes in here."

"Do you not realize how ridiculous you sound?" Ben asked as I got closer to him.

"Do you not realize I don't care?" I retorted. "I am going to have to burn these shoes and I love these shoes. I don't understand how people can live this way."

"You are such a princess," Ben said but I could hear the amusement in his voice. He held out a hand for me to take so I could make my way through a big pile. I let out a cry of disgust when something liquid spilt on me. Without saying a word, he pointed his wand at the spot and cleared up.

"Thanks," I muttered as I took his hand.

It showed just how comfortable he felt with me now. In the past, he would never have taken my hand in fear that he'd lead me on or something. However, the moment my hand was in his, he gave it a quick squeeze. He then pulled me down the hall. We passed one open door where the room looked as if it were a complete mess of clothes and likely trash as well. Across from it, we entered a room which was the cleanest in the house. Other than a thick layer of dust everywhere, it was neat. Ben dropped my hand the moment we entered.

What surprised me was to see that Ashley was hugging Michael who was crying. Ben and I exchanged looks before we hurried over to them. I went to Michael's other side to hug him tightly while Ben placed a hand on his shoulder. I'd never thought that I would see him cry. He'd always been so strong despite everything he had been through. He'd had his angry moments, but otherwise he'd always stayed strong. I didn't think I could go through everything he'd gone through and remain so normal. He'd even managed to stop himself from becoming an alcoholic, and we'd all be worried that he'd go down that road. I'd had a breakdown and while my life had been hard, his had been harder.

"Thank guys," Michael said when we all pulled away.

"Your parents are just going through your parents bedroom," I told Michael as I made my way over to Ashley, who was putting some stuff in a bag she'd conjured. I could tell she had conjured it because it was flimsy looking. It was something we were just learning. I couldn't do it, but she could. She just wasn't very good at making good bags yet. "They wanted to know if there was anything there that you wanted."

"I'll have to see," Michael said to me but he appeared to be avoiding my eyes. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to. I would never judge him. No one in that room would. There was no reason for him to feel embarrassed for crying. He'd just lost his parents after all.

"Is that everything?" Ben asked as he opened some drawers in Michaels old desk.

Michael pulled out some things from the drawers although I didn't see what. I was surprised he had anything left. When he had run away, he'd said he taken most of his things. I figured he must have just left his childhood things behind.

"That's everything," he sighed.

We left the room and went into Michael's parents room. Ben's parents were looking around in it. When we entered, Ashley took several pictures of the room before Ben took the camera from her. He told her he planned to take pictures of the fridge. I wished we could hurry up and leave the house. Even with Ben's cleaning spell I still felt dirty.

Mr. Hoofer left with him while Ashley, Michael, Mrs. Hoofer and me continued to search the room. What surprised me was the amount of money we end up finding. If these people were so poor, why did they have so much money hidden away? Why hadn't they spent it on Michael? I could never figure out how poor people could afford drugs or alcohol but they couldn't afford to pay their bills. There was one funny moment when Ashley decided to summon the money. It came in all directions and she was pinged with change. I think the moment seemed to help with the tension we were all feeling.

We counted through it as we gathered it all up and I was surprised to see that there had to be at least five hundred pounds or more. At least it was some money for Michael, but where had it come from?

"I imagine it's drug related or something illegal," Michael answered when I asked. "And who knows how much they saved from what I sent mum in the summers."

"But they could have spent this money on you," Ashley said saying what I was thinking.

"There are a lot of could haves,"Michael said to her sounding sad. "It doesn't change anything."

"Do you have everything you want dear?" Mrs. Hoofer asked him.

He nodded. "Everything else is just junk."

We headed into the living-room where we told Ben and his father what had happened with the money. We all had a good laugh about it. I was relieved that after a few moments of discussion when it was suggested that Ashley, Mrs. Hoofer and me go to Ashley's place to print off the pictures. I'd go anywhere to get out of that place. I never wanted to return, but I knew we'd have to after we got all the pictures printed off.

I happily grabbed Mrs. Hoofer's arm for her to apparate both Ashley and me directly into her room. I closed my eyes as she took us. I was relieved when I took in a deep breath when our feet hit the ground. All I could smell was vanilla. Although at times I got sick of smelling it because it was all Ashley wore (I believed someone should use more than one scent) I welcomed it at the moment. Vanilla was my favourite scent at that second over the rotting garbage one.

Ben's mother began looking around the room as Ashley left. She was looking around at the Hufflepuff theme and all the pictures of us she had on the walls. I looked at one taken the summer before. It was right before our fight. The two of us were in the pool and smiling while we drank some juice. I could see the shadows under my eyes as I stared at it. I'd still been stressing about Ben and Ashley at that time. I had barely been sleeping.

"She really went out with Hufflepuff didn't she?" Mrs. Hoofer asked me.

"Yes she is very proud of it," I answered. "They did it during the Easter holidays of our first year."

"This is a very good picture of Ashley and Ben," she continued as she stared at one from Ben's party. "I'd like a copy of it."

"They do look good together there," I admitted. "I'd like to apologize for everything I put him through. I know I made him so angry in the summer because of everything I'd said on the parchment. I was so delusional. I should have gotten over him a long time ago."

"You were out of line," Mrs. Hoofer said turning to me, "but you're also a teenaged girl. It happens my dear. I am glad you realized it and moved on. I had a feeling this would happen with the three of you. I knew even back in your first year that he was in love with her, and I knew you wanted him."

"I wish I had that insight," I told her. "Everyone has told me this, even mum, but I still wouldn't see it."

"There is no point in dwelling on it. Your friendship survived it, and I hear you are very much in love with the young man you're with now," Mrs. Hoofer replied. "I just hope the same can be said for Michael."

I nodded. I hoped so too. The boy needed some happiness in his life.

I was right about Nicole and I hated it. Deep down I'd hoped that I had just been overly suspicious and that my friends were right about my competitive nature. Unfortunately, it was her who had decided to sell him out. She'd dated him to find out all kinds of information about him. Don and Xavier had set her up in the summer. She'd been scared for her family's life and so she had done what they'd asked of her.

We didn't find this out right away. After we left Michael's place, he went off with the adults to talk to his grandparents while Ashley, Ben and me went to a pizza place. There we discussed Michael and what we should do. We decided that we were going to enlist the Andrew twins to help us find out about both Nicole and Denver. I still didn't believe that Denver was involved but to make Ben happy, we agreed to find out his involvement too. The Andrew twins were more than happy to find out for us. A lot of people wanted to know who would betray our friends that way.

I didn't find out right away about it. Michael and Ben both found out and then went to Ashley's to tell her about it before they came to my place. I hated the fact that we couldn't all find out together. I'd been shopping with my mother and it made me feel left out knowing they'd talked and made plans without me.

Not only had Nicole been the one to tell out Michael's parents, but she'd been the one to tell Don and Xavier that Ashley would be in Hogsmeade. My suspicions about her had been right all along. Usually when I was right I was happy, and usually I liked to rub it in to the people who'd told me I was wrong. I wasn't happy this time though. All I felt was sadness. Nicole was someone who I hadn't ever really liked, but I'd never suspected her either. It wasn't just that. I felt so angry with her, but I also felt pity for her too. It was different when I knew that she'd done it out of fear and not to be malicious.

It was hard to explain my feelings about it. I didn't think it justified what she did. I believed she was nothing but a coward and I wished I could hex her without consequences. I had muggleborn parents as well, and if I'd been in the same situation, I would have told someone right away and had my family and friends protected. There was no way I'd sell out someone else to protect my own family. I would have told my parents about it as well. We didn't have You-Know-Who has a threat anymore. These people weren't that powerful. They were just relying on the fact that people were happy that You-Know-Who was gone. Most people were still clueless. They didn't have some powerful leader.

However, even if I didn't feel that it justified what she did, I couldn't hate her as much. Not everyone was like me or even my friends. She was looking out for herself and her family first. It was cowardly and selfish, but she wasn't evil. So while I hated her, and I wanted bad things to happen to her, I couldn't put all the blame on her. It was Gerald Opress and whoever else that was part of that crowd, not Nicole.

I tried to explain my feelings to my friends when we returned to school, but no one agreed with me. When we told the Hufflepuff's what happened, and I shared my views, they all got angry with me. They all wanted to bully Nicole, and I just didn't agree with it. Even Keith got angry with me and he rarely ever did. All of them were putting their feelings over what was right. Nicole needed to suffer the consequences of her actions, but we weren't the ones who should be punishing her. It was up to the teachers, or maybe even the Ministry. As usual though, no one agreed with me.

Things like this bothered me so much. It was me who figured out that it was Nicole behind it all, but no one had taken me seriously. I was the only one out of all of my friends to be the voice of reason, and none of them took me seriously, not even my boyfriend.

We were all back in time for apparition lessons, and we told them all this before our lessons. Unfortunately now I was very distracted from all this. It was hard not to have Michael on my mind as it was, but now I was distracted even more. I was very angry with everyone for ganging up on me. Even Ashley who would normally be against bullying was putting what was right aside. I doubted she would bully Nicole but I knew she'd stand back and let it happen. She would get satisfaction from it all. So I wasn't able to apparate at all. Ashley ended up splinching herself which made it even harder for me. Now I was worried I'd splinch myself. Later I would tell her that I'd be happy if I'd even splinched myself, but it wasn't the entire truth. At times I still got jealous of her. I personally didn't want it to happen to me, but at the same time, at least she'd managed to do it.

I stayed in a mood for most of the day. No one seemed to notice at first, but Keith who was used to me chatting all the time finally spoke up. The two of us were sitting apart from everyone else who was still insistent on talking about Nicole, Don and Xavier. I was fed up with the talk, so I got up and moved to a different spot in the common room. Not too many people sat there in the winter because for some reason it was very drafty. So I knew I wouldn't be disturbed. Keith followed me as soon as I left the group of Hufflepuff sixth years.

"You're too quiet," he said to me.

"I am just so damned sick and tired of people not taking me seriously," I said. "I was right all along about Nicole, and it's a shame that I was, but has anyone given me credit? No they haven't. Ashley and Ben just automatically assumed that I was blaming her because of how competitive I can be. It pissed me off so much, and then it turned out I was right. They acknowledged it of course, but it was more like they felt they had to. Even now everyone thinks I am wrong when it comes to bullying Nicole."

"I don't think that they think you're wrong exactly," Keith said.

"Really? Every single person jumped down my throat about it, including you!" I said angrily. I felt tears in my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. "I hate Nicole for what she did but bullying her is not the answer!"

"Ellen, you have to see it from their point of view. Of course bullying her isn't the answer and I agree with you. I am sorry I got angry with you earlier. It's just that we're all feeling emotional about this at the moment. Everyone reacts to situations differently. This bitch just got one of our friends parents murdered and she was responsible for another one of our friends being attacked. Everyone is thinking with their emotions and not logically. Think about all the times you've done the same exact thing-" and Keith put up a hand when I was about to protest that he shouldn't throw things in my face. It was as if he could read my mind. "-that is not a jab at you Ellen. Just think about all those times when you went with your emotions first. That is exactly how they're all reacting to this. You need to see it from their point of view to understand why they want to do it."

"I get exactly how they feel," I said. "It's why I've always been so rude to her. You didn't see Ashley in St. Mungos. I didn't know she did it because she was scared though. I am not justifying what she did, but she wouldn't have done it if they hadn't threatened her. I would have told people right away if I were in her shoes, so I disagree with what she did, but I can't hate her as much if it had been just to attack Michael and Ashley. I just don't think it's up to us to dole out punishment. Do you know how much I'd love to hurt her?"

"And I get all of that Ellen, and I am sure the others will too eventually. Right now though, they are all angry. It's not because they aren't taking you seriously. It's because they are thinking about Ashley and Michael and Nicole's betrayal. That is what happens when you tell people the truth about things like this. Whether or not it was your intention for them to bully her or to just let them know what kind of person she is, they are going to react they feel they need to. You can't change that," Keith said. "All you can do is not take part in the bullying."

"I know," I responded and I glanced over at the group of sixth year Hufflepuff's. "I just hoped that at least Ashley would understand, but she isn't."

"Give her some time," Keith said. "Right now she is pissed off because Nicole used her. Not only did she ask her to help her get with Michael, but she was also responsible for getting her leg broke. I guarantee if you were in that situation you'd be feeling the same way."

I nodded. I just hoped I could get people to see my point of view on it. All the sixth years knew what had happened by that point. We'd talked about it before apparition lessons, but the Andrew twins made sure to spread it around, and so did the other Gryffindor's. I knew that the Hufflepuff's had as well. I was sure even the first years knew what had happened.

"You can't always take things so seriously," Keith said.

"It was hard not to when everyone, even you were jumping down my throat," I said.

"Because we all felt that you sticking up for her," Keith said.

"I hate her Keith. I've always thought that maybe I hate my dad because of everything he has put Timmy and me through. I even though I hated Tara at one time, or even Melanie but none of that compares to how I feel about Nicole right now. I don't care if her feelings get hurt if people bully her. It's not why I am against it," I said.

"Would you feel better if you talked to Professor's Sprout and McGonagall?" Keith asked.

"I'd have to talk to the others about it," I answered. "It's not a decision I can make on my own. We really should eventually. I'll see what happens in the meantime. Maybe they even know already. For now, I don't know if they'll take me seriously. I'll see if it's possible to keep things under control for the time being."

We couldn't say much more because Timmy approached us. I was glad to see that he was on his own. I didn't feel like dealing with all of his friends, especially Tracy.

"How is Michael?" Timmy asked as he sat down at the table with us.

"He's still in shock," I said. "I don't think he knows how to feel yet. He has mixed feelings when it comes to them."

"And the people who betrayed him are here?" Timmy asked. "What if they do it again? They are the ones who attacked Ashley too."

"Don and Xavier were pulled out of school," I told him. "They aren't here anymore."

"But what if they come back?" Timmy asked. "June says that they can't be punished for what their parents did. I also heard today that it was Michael's girlfriend who betrayed him and Ashley."

"We don't have all the answers yet Timmy," Keith told him. "Unfortunately they probably will be back. They left school when Ellen did, but we don't know why. I doubt they'll do anything now though. Their parents were just caught. They don't want to be caught under the radar. As for Nicole? Well a lot of people hate her right now. She won't be doing anything stupid either."

"Good," Timmy answered. "She deserves to go to Azkaban! She's like Peter Pettigrew. I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave but that's not brave at all!"

"She's a different person now than she was at eleven," Keith answered. "Unfortunately people can change for the worst. Most of us aren't the same people we were at our sorting. Hell, Ashley could be a Gryffindor now and she most definitely wasn't when we were first sorted."

"That's true," Timmy said with a nod.

"Have to wonder how your little friend Tracy was sorted in Hufflepuff," I said. "She doesn't seem very Hufflepuff to me."

"We've all wondered that to, but even when she is being bitchy, she can be loyal," Timmy answered. "She did defend June against a couple third years the other day. We think she's just really insecure."

"That's an understatement," I said. "She's just trying to impress whoever she can. We've all wondered about Melanie as well. Apparently the sorting hat has never made a mistake. So it must have seen something we don't."

"Yes maybe. Too bad it can't predict the future though," Timmy said.

"I don't think it could have done much about Nicole," I said. "Her own best friends are shocked by this. She just changed recently. I've never liked her, but she wasn't like this a few years ago."

"Well, that we know of," Keith said. "Unfortunately, she reacted to a situation the wrong way."

"The worst way possible," Timmy agreed and then he got up. "Thanks for letting me know Ellen. Keep me updated please."

He walked off to where his friends were sitting. I was relieved that the people who had been doing it all had been caught. They really hadn't affected his life too much by this point. All he knew was what had happened to Michael's parents and Ashley. These people hadn't been able to do too much to scare the wizarding world. I wanted him to grow up carefree, or at least more carefree than I had. Unfortunately he'd gone through our parents divorce and he'd seen it all firsthand. Who knew how he'd react to that eventually. What if he want to through the angry reckless stage that I'd gone through? He didn't need to worry about another wizarding war starting on top of all of that.

"He's doing quite well with respecting your wishes," Keith said to me once Timmy had sat down with this friends. "He stays away from you most of the time. He only came over here long enough to find out what happened."

"I know," I said. "I just hope he keeps that promise. I'm still going to do what I can to keep him at arms length just in case. It's still hard to believe how immature he can be at one moment but so young the next. We were never like that."

Keith shrugged. "We probably were but we just don't remember it. Anyway Ellen, try not to dwell on any of that. I want you to focus on school, Quidditch and our Apparition lessons. There is no need to stress about anything else at the moment. We know those people have been caught now."

I nodded but I still worried about people bullying Nicole and the repercussions that could bring.

I confronted Nicole a couple of days later. I knew so far she'd had her fair share of people telling her off or bullying her. She walked around the castle with her head down, and often her eyes were blood shot from crying. I didn't plan to bully her but I did plan to yell at her. She deserved a telling off and Michael was a good friend of mine, and Ashley was my best friend. When I approached her, she had her head leaning up against the stone wall of the corridors. It wasn't unlike I'd been the year before when Sam had found me. I still felt guilty for slapping him to this day.

"How dare you help get Michael's parents killed!" I said angrily as I walked over to her. "How could you help get Ashley get attacked!"

Nicole moved away from the wall so fast it was a wonder she didn't get whiplash.

"Don't you start with me Ellen Perenge!" She shouted. "Don't you think I don't feel horrible as it is without everyone bothering me? You don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes!"

"If I were, I most certainly wouldn't sell out innocent people!" I said angrily. "You approached so many people to set you up with Michael, and it was to sell him out! Ashley feels so guilty for helping you two."

"Oh don't even pretend you're loyal to Ashley, Ellen!" Nicole shot back furiously. "You kept trying to get Ben to dump Ashley for you! You didn't give a damn about her or how she felt about Ben! You've been in love with for so long and you were ready to dump Stan for him! They threatened to go after my parents Ellen! I had to do it. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I did it to protect them! You can say what you want, but you'd do the same thing."

"No I wouldn't!" I said. "I would tell my mum and dad right away. Those people aren't that powerful or scary. They aren't like You-Know-Who. You could have helped protect your parents and save innocent lives but you didn't! Even if it was You-Know-Who you still shouldn't sell out your family. You are not a Gryffindor!"

"And you're not a Hufflepuff!" Nicole shrieked. "Even Ben says that you're not Hufflepuff material. Just sod off Ellen!"

And without another word, she turned on her heel and walked off. Telling her off wasn't quite as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be. All I really wanted was for her to be gone. I didn't want her in our school anymore and I really thought that we should talk to a teacher about all this.

Things got worse shortly after that. Don and Xavier returned to school and people added them to their list as well. Of course I wanted them to be punished as well, but I felt it was a ticking time bomb. I'd heard stories of kids in the United States bringing a muggle weapon called a gun to school to kill people. They ended up getting bullied to the point that they felt the need to retaliate. I doubted Nicole would do something like that, but no one really knew what someone was capable of.

I tried to do as Keith said and ignore all this, especially when it came to apparition lessons. I still hadn't managed to do it. I was determined for our third lesson that I would do it. So many people had done it so far. Michael hadn't yet, but he told us that he was sure he would soon. He was sure he'd felt something each time he tried. I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or if he was just imagining it. However, I knew confidence was key, and he was quite confident about doing it very soon.

Our first two lessons had been outside, but our third time was in the Great Hall because it was raining out. I worried that in such a small space, it could be harder. I decided that day to distance myself from my friends a bit. I was still near them, but normally we all went to the same area. I felt that Ben's success was putting me off. So I went two rows of students over from them.

"Just remember to concentrate," Keith said to me as he positioned himself from one of the hoops.

I was going to try and ignore him as well. I didn't want anyone or anything distracting me. I was determined that by the end of our lesson I would do it. Around me, I could hear people discussing Nicole, but I tried to ignore it. Someone had sent the boil hex at her right before we were about to enter the Great Hall. I could hear people discussing whether or not it was going too far, or if she deserved everything she got. I knew even my friends were talking about it. I'd heard Ben say something about people going too far.

I just tuned them out and waited for the lesson to begin, which in my opinion took too long. It seemed ridiculous that a room full of sixteen and seventeen year olds couldn't position themselves without supervision. The teachers had to walk around and help people find a spot. Some people were arguing that others were in their space, or that they were there first. I couldn't help but smile. We all talked about how mature we were but in a second we could all revert back to kids Timmy's age.

Finally, we were able to start the lesson. Our instructor began as he did with the last two lessons. We had to focus on the three D's. Destination, Determination and Deliberation. I did try my best to focus on it, but it never worked. This time I did my best to think about how I wanted in my hoop, and how determined I was to get there deliberately. So as soon as he gave the okay, I turned on the spot. Unfortunately, nothing happened for me. Several people, including Ben of course were able to do it. Michael did it for his first time. Ashley was able to do it this time as well without splinching herself. So now I was the only one out of the four of us who still couldn't do it.

It made me think back to our first year. Back then, it would have been Ben first, then likely Michael or me. Ashley would be the last one, and she would be whining about it. She would vent that she could never do anything, and the process would take a while longer. The reality was, if she just remained confident instead of discouraged, it would come to her eventually. Not everyone could do it instantly like Ben. It was why she eventually got really good with Charms. She learned that she had a talent in it, and now she could do it with no problem.

Thinking of all this made me realize that I was having the same exact problem that she'd had in first year. I was getting discouraged because of my failure rate. Ben had always been onto something when he'd tell us that we just needed confidence. My mind wasn't focused on my destination at all. I was just focusing on doing it and not on what I actually had to do to be able to do it.

So after the fourth time during our lesson that day, I decided it was time for another approach. I had to be confident that I could do it, and I had to focus on what I wanted to do. When he asked us to try for the last time, I closed my eye ands I thought of nothing else but apparating into that hoop. And for the first time all by myself, I felt that tight suffocating feeling. I opened my eyes and glanced around. I was in my hoop. I had actually apparated for the first time. It was only one time, but at least I wasn't like Maisie, who looked as if she were in tears because she still couldn't do it. By that point, most people had apparated at least once.

The sixth years were all grouping up together to talk excitedly about the latest lesson. Keith had gone on ahead of me to join a group of people in the Great Hall. I was going to wait for Ashley who appeared to be limping, but I wanted to talk about the lesson with Keith, so I hurried over to him instead. She wouldn't appreciate the help anyway.

"I did it!" I said to Keith as I skipped over to him. "I finally did it!"

"I saw that," he said smiling as I threw my arms around him. "You did really well."

"I just wish I could do it more. Ashley did it like six times," I said.

Her and Ben were headed down to the common room. I wasn't ready to go down there yet. I wanted to talk to Tara anyway. We'd talked quite a bit since we'd come back, but we hadn't discussed what had actually happened. Since her and Natalie had been a big help, I wanted to talk to them a bit more and maybe even thank them. Tara saw me looking at her and she walked over.

"Is Ashley just being stubborn or is there actually something they can do about that limp? It can't be normal and magic is supposed to be able to fix everything," Tara said. "I know she hates relying on things, but if it can help, she should take a potion or something."

"She'd have to take pain potions all the time," I said. "There isn't anything they can do much about the limp. Ben says magic can't fix everything. It's probably osteoarthritis. Ben said his grandmother had it from fighting in a war. It only bothers her when it rains or snows."

"Which is a lot," Tara said with raised eyebrows. "Anyway, why are Xavier and Don back? Ellen, I thought you said that your lot had gained enough evidence to have them thrown out of school. It's why everyone knows about Nicole. She admitted her part in it. I don't feel comfortable with having the three of them here."

The Entrance Hall was empty by that point. Everyone had all taken off to do their own thing, so it was safe to talk about it.

"The teachers won't investigate them because of what their parents did though," I said. "They are innocent until proven guilty."

"I know that but if you know that they were involved then you can tell the teachers," Tara said. "The teachers told you that before you lot gathered information."

"I know, but how we prove it? Nicole admitted her part, but that doesn't mean anything. She can lie if we tell the teachers," I told her.

"Not if all of you talk to them," Tara said. "Ellen, we need to get them out of this school. I'll talk to Ben about it if we have to. I hate what they did, but I am starting to see your point about bullying them. Don or Xavier might retaliate."

"I'll try to talk to Ashley then," I said. "But my friends still aren't taking me seriously. I did want to thank you for your help with this though."

"No problem," Tara said and then she turned to Aaron. "Come on, let's get to the library. Maybe we can convince Ben and Ashley later."

"Maybe," Aaron said but he didn't sound as if he were so sure.

I turned to Keith who had remained quiet about all this.

"Ellen, why don't you just go to the teachers yourself?" Keith asked me.

"Because I needed everyone on board with this. I feel like I am selling out my friends if I go behind their backs. They know everything and if the teachers know they were apart of all this bullying, and they were keeping secrets, they could be in trouble," I replied. "It's why I need to talk to Ashley. It could look so bad on Ben because he is a prefect."

"Fine, but if you don't do something about it soon, I will," Keith said. "I hate seeing you stressed out like this."

"For now I am going to keep trying to get people to stop bothering them," I told him. "But I will talk to Ashley the first chance that I get."

My opportunity came up a few days later. No one seemed to take me seriously when I told them that they should leave Nicole and the boys alone. They all still kept hexing them anyway. I knew a few thought that I was trying to stick up for them when it wasn't that at all. While I was talking to the common room Wednesday evening after dinner, Timmy and his friends ran over to me once I reached the bottom of the steps.

"Guess what?" Timmy asked me excitedly. His friends all had huge grins on their faces as well.

"What?" I asked wondering what could have happened to get them all so excited.

"Somebody gave Don Zent antlers! We just heard from Claudia about it. We're going to go see right now!" Timmy said excitedly.

I started to laugh. I could imagine him with them clearly.

"Come with us to see!" Jerry told me but I shook my head.

"Chances are he has already left the library," I said. "Besides I have homework to do. Let me know what it looks like when you do see."

"Okay!" Timmy answered and the six first years ran up the steps giggling.

I kept a big smile on my face about it until I was halfway there. I then began thinking about how Don could react to that. He could flip out eventually. After what had happened with Michael's parents from years of hexing, what could him and Xavier do out of anger? I stopped laughing when I thought of him going after my little brother and his friends for laughing at him.

When I entered the common room, it was to find Ashley by herself and writing on her message parchment. I walked straight over to her. I decided to get straight to the point about it.

"Apparently someone gave Don antlers while he was in the library," I told her.

Ashley looked up at me.

"Good," she said firmly with a small smile.

"I believe that it's like poking a bear," I said to her nervously. "You grew up in the muggle world. Haven't you heard stories about kids who get bullied and then get tired of it eventually? They end up bringing those gun things to school. Well, it's the same here. Kids have been bullied at Hogwarts to the point that they eventually snap! That's why I said bullying Nicole isn't the answer. I don't care about her feelings at all, but no one should be bullying her. I mean, you want to be a school teacher. You wouldn't be able to sit back and let it happen."

I figured adding the bit about the school teacher would hit home. If she were a teacher right now, she couldn't let all this happen. She would have to stand up for the students who were being bullied.

"Ellen, what do you want me to do it about it? I haven't done anything to Nicole other than confront her like you did. When young children bully each other, it's different. Of course, I would have to step in. I don't think these two situations can even be compared. Am I supposed to feel sorry for them? I mean Amy and Kelly bullied me, but it was nothing compared to this. Of course, I'd have to step in when it was a situation like that. People are attacking Nicole, Don and Xavier because they're responsible for Michael's parent's deaths," Ashley answered.

"But what if they retaliate?" I asked her. "A person can only handle it for so long. Nicole looks as if she is ready to break down. I am not saying this because I feel sorry for them. I don't at all. I hate all three of them."

"I get what you're saying Ellen," Ashley replied "But I still don't understand what you want me to do about it. Do you think I can influence everyone to stop bother them? You can't stand there and tell me that you don't feel happy that they are getting what they deserve."

"I do," I admitted. "I even laughed a bit when I heard about the antlers, but Ashley it's not about your feelings or mine. It's about what people can do after they've had enough. I just see all of this ending badly."

"Again Ellen, what can I do about it?" Ashley asked. "You're acting as if I can step in and stop it."

"But you can and so can Michael. It was the two of you that they did this to. If you two both say that we should just leave them alone now people might stop," I answered, although that wasn't entirely true. I knew a few people would listen to Michael and Ashley, but what I wanted most was for them all to admit that we should go to a teacher. It wasn't just about the bullying, it was about letting the right people know. Ashley would talk to Ben, and he always listened to her.

"We could try," Ashley responded. "But what if that doesn't work? Do you honestly think Michael will want to stop this? His parents are dead."

"I don't know, but it's worth a try," I said.

"Maybe telling people wasn't such a good idea," Ashley said saying what I had been thinking for a while. "We should have thought of this. We knew people would be angry."

"Yeah really," I agreed.

Ashley ended up talking with Michael about this. It wasn't often we saw him anymore. He'd taken to hiding out somewhere, even after curfew. We believed he was hiding out in the Room of Requirement. He only really came out when it was time for class or meals. We were all watching closely to make sure that he was eating. Jared told us just to leave him alone for now.

"Eventually he needs to come back to reality, but for now he just wants to be alone," Jared had said when people kept bringing it up.

Michael did tell people to back off on them, and a few people did. Most of the Hufflepuff's listened but the Gryffindor's didn't want to let it go. To them it was personal though. They had shared a house with her for almost six years. Her best friends were in disbelief that she could do such a cruel thing to someone. The Ravenclaw's and Slytherin's ignored Nicole, but most of the Slytherin's still went after Don and Xavier. For years they were trying to get rid of the stereotype about their house, and those two had just proven people right.

It wasn't until about a week later when Ben decided he should talk to the teachers. From what they told me later on, he'd been thinking about it for a while because he was realizing that I was right as well. It was when Denver confronted him and Ashley about them suspecting him that they decided to finally tell the teachers.

I was relieved by this, but I felt a little put out that they all left me out. I was just involved with it as they were. Ben later told me it was to protect me. He didn't want Xavier or Don to go after me, but he also said he wanted to have all the blame about the bullying put on him, and I understood his point, but I wanted to be there for my friends. It was me who figured everything out after all.

"Well this way you don't have to be stressed anymore," Keith said. "The teachers are taking care of it. The bullying is going to stop now. The teachers now know what they did."

Shortly after that, the three of them were suspended indefinitely from school. Nicole had admitted her part in it, and after some coaxing so did the boys. Once they were out of school, I felt relief for the first time in months. I could finally try and relax and have fun just as Keith urged for me to do.


	16. Rest of Sixth Year

Rest of Sixth Year

After that, things changed quickly around the school. It was as if getting the three students out of the school was what we all needed, even the people who weren't in the sixth year. After all, they all knew about the other attacks. At first people celebrated the fact that the ones behind the attacks were caught, but then they started to move on to other topics. Things at Hogwarts were finally getting back to normal, and I was glad.

My friends were all discussing the mundane topics that we had before. They were topics like homework for instance that used to bore me. Ben and I got back into Quidditch again. The team had been suffering a bit because of everything that had been going on. It made me feel bad for the team. They were all looking up to me, and I'd made such a big deal about not being captain at the beginning of the year.

Martha who had once looked up to me so much now looked at me with such disgust. She was a phenomenal player and I knew she was looking to be captain next. I'd overheard her telling a few of her friends that she should be captain instead of me. After hearing that, I went back to my old ways when it came to the sport. As soon as I finished up my school work, I would read through Quidditch Today to see if there were any new moves we could practice. I found a new formation for the Chasers to try, so during our Quidditch practices, I began having us work on it.

"Ellen, you are an amazing captain," Ben said to me. "You're only human though, and you really didn't slack off that much. It was only about a month there. We won our last game! Don't let anyone get you down."

"You haven't seen or heard Martha," I said. "She is basically the same way that I am. She wants to play professionally too. She doesn't think I am good enough because I let my emotions get in the way. She says someone who is a real Quidditch player wouldn't."

"She hasn't gone through what you have," Ashley said. "We've all been watching you play since your second year. You've never let the team down before, and I don't think you really did now."

"Well that's not entirely true," I said.

"The point is, she won't be saying much when you win the cup for Hufflepuff again," Keith spoke up. "Don't worry about her. She's a good player, but she is full of herself. She won't lead the team as well as you have."

I was glad to have the support of my friends and my boyfriend, but I wasn't so confident. I didn't like to see someone who had admired me so much before look down on me so much now. I could tell she wanted my job, and it didn't matter how much effort I put into our practices, I could see her sneering at me.

Quidditch was the only sore point for me thankfully. Everything else was going really well. During our apparition lessons, I managed to do it. I didn't do it as much as my friends, but I was pleased with my progress. During our last lesson I'd managed to do it at least six times. There were certain people like Ashley and Ben who the instructor was trying to make it more challenging for since they were doing so well. I hoped to get to that point soon. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to take the extra lessons that were being offered in Hogsmeade. It was for anyone who would be seventeen by May. Neither Michael nor me could sign up. I could wait until summer which was fine, but I did worry that if I waited too long between my last lesson and a new one, I could forget how to do it. Not only that, but our final lessons would be taking place during our Easter holidays and I would be at home.

"So why don't you stay for once?" Ashley asked me. "It's actually a lot more relaxing here during the holidays. We could have fun."

"I don't know," I replied.

I liked having my breaks from the school after all. I wasn't so sure it could be fun. On the other hand, mum would probably want me to baby-sit Timmy. I really didn't talk to my old muggle friends as much anymore. I wasn't against hanging out with them at all but I didn't know how much we actually would. Things had changed so much.

"You still have time to sign up," Ben told me. "We actually have a good time. We did last year. We have more freedom. We study but we don't spend the entire time studying. We can help you prepare for your OWLs."

"You should stay," Michael agreed. "Maybe Keith will stay as well."

And those were the magic words. I didn't want to go so long without seeing Keith like I had over the Christmas holidays. At school we would have more freedom to hang out together, so I smiled at my friends.

"You're all right. I am going to stay this year. I'll just tell mum that I want to do the lessons for apparitions and besides if I mention I want to pass my OWLs this time around she'll understand," I answered.

It wasn't just the benefits of being around Keith all the time, but my friends had a point about the freedom as well. There wouldn't be as much school work, and I figured it would be like one long weekend at Hogwarts. Perhaps it would be one big party every night. So I grabbed my parchment and wrote to mum.

Mum, I really want to stay at Hogwarts for the Easter break this year. I want to keep taking apparition lessons, and I want to do better on my OWLs this year. My friends said it helped them last year when they stayed. Please say that I can.

I am fine with you staying Ellen, but I would like you to convince Timmy to stay as well. He is fine to stay home alone for a few hours, but I am not ready for him to stay home alone everyday yet. I'll stress about him being home alone while I am at work. So if you're staying then I want him to stay. If he won't stay then you'll both have to come home. I highly doubt that your father will take him considering he has that woman and her kids. I do believe it will be easier for me for the two of you stay even if I really will miss you.

"Seriously?" I said aloud.

"What's wrong?" Ashley asked.

"She's all for me staying, but she wants me to convince Timmy to stay too. She said it will be easier for her for work. She doesn't want him staying home alone yet and she doubts that dad will take him during the days. That means she'll want me to baby-sit him," I said.

This was supposed to be my time of freedom. If Timmy was here, he would follow us around all the time. He didn't now but that was because he had his friends around to keep him busy. He wouldn't have anyone but us during Easter.

"Maybe he can convince his friends to stay," Ashley

"Maybe," I answered and I was sure they would want to stay, but would their parents let them? It was worth trying however. "Well I am going to go find him then."

I got up to find him. I looked around common room to see if he was around, but unfortunately he wasn't. There was a chance they were hanging out down the boys dorms. I knew sometimes his group did that when they wanted to avoid the common room. I hesitated before I headed down there. Keith was sitting with Dan, so I knew people would wonder what I was doing down there. I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. In the past people had seen me sneak down there to meet a boy.

I went through the familiar corridor and until I reached the first year boys dorms. It was the same room I'd been in the year before with Ethan. Last year I hadn't thought that my little brother would end up living here. I never gave it much thought that the new first years always took the dorms that the seventh years left behind. In about a year and a half, there would be some new little girls living in my dorms. It seemed strange know that.

I shook my head to clear my head and then knocked on the door before I opened it. Thankfully, my brother and his friends were there all sitting on one of the beds. The room looked a lot different from the year before. There were a lot more beds, and it was very messy. There was also a strange smell and I could describe it. I had to wonder how my neat little brother felt about living in a room as messy as this one.

"What are you doing down here?" Tracy asked me.

I scowled at her. She was sitting way too close to my brother and she had her arm around his shoulders. I didn't want her all over him that way. I knew she was like that with all of the boys, but I didn't want it to be my brother. Why would he let her that when I was sure that he had something going on with that little Slytherin girl he hung out with at times?

I ignored her as I walked through the dorm.

"Did your trunks blow up in here?" I asked as I headed over to them.

"I stopped trying to clean up after them a long time ago," Timmy said. "There is no point. How come you're in here Ellen? You never come down here."

"I was just writing to mum," I said as I sat down on the edge of one of the beds. "I want to stay for the Easter holidays, but she said the only way I can is if you do too."

"Brilliant!" Timmy said excitedly. "I'll stay."

I was relieved that I didn't have to convince him to stay. I just hoped he could convince his friends to stay as well.

"And perhaps you lot could stay to keep him company," I added to his friends.

"I'm staying anyway," June spoke up.

"Her parents don't want her going home," Tracy said and I glared at her.

"Oh shut up! I bet your parents feel that way about you," I said angrily. "Quit picking on June all the time."

"I'm just stating the truth," Tracy said. "There is no need to be that way with me."

"I'm just stating the truth too," I told her.

"I can probably convince my parents to let me stay," Jerry said. "They're still angry with me about the fireworks incident. They even said that maybe they should make me stay for the holidays to punish me. I guess I am making that decision for them."

"They're still upset about that?" I asked.

Of course what they had done was very bad, but mum had gotten over it by this point. Although I felt that incident didn't help when it came to letting Timmy stay home, but it didn't mean that she wouldn't eventually trust him again.

"Yes. I admit I shouldn't have done it now but at the time it seemed like a good idea. I've felt guilty ever since. Every once and a while mum or dad write to me about how wrong it was, and they weren't sure what to do with me. They're worried that Ashley's mum is going to write them or something about it. They said they won't blame her if we're not allowed over again, and they aren't sure if I can go to a party again," Jerry answered.

"Are they strict?" I asked. "I can't imagine why else they would keep bringing it up. I can't imagine mum ever doing that."

"They're actually not!" Jerry said. "That's the odd thing about it. They've always trusted me and my brother, but they're really upset about this."

"Maybe because you broke their trust then," I said. "You should talk to them about that though. They shouldn't keep throwing it in your face like that."

"Maybe I can get Damian to talk to them too," Jerry answered with a shrug. "He thinks they're going overboard too."

"Well it was stupid. You shouldn't have done it," Tracy spoke up.

"Oh don't even start," Timmy said to her. "You wanted to do it with us but we wouldn't let you. Don't even lecture us."

Before they could start fighting with her, I stood up. I knew she was going to have some kind of retort ready for my brother. I just wished she would take her arm off of him. I would have to talk to him later about letting her be all over him that way.

"I'll just let mum know you're on board then," I said. "Just remember the rules."

"Yes I know Ellen," Timmy said. "I remember. You don't have to remind me. We won't bother you."

"Good," I said and then turned away. I couldn't understand how they could hang out in here with the smell. I wouldn't be able to sleep down here. Where had all the extra beds come from? There had only been four the year before.

As I made my way through the corridors, I bumped into Stan. Slowly he was starting be more friendly with me, but at times he could still be quite rude to me. This was one of those times.

"What are you doing down here when Keith is in the common room?" He snapped at me.

I knew he was just protecting Keith. A lot of people were still worried that I would hurt him eventually, and I honestly couldn't blame them. I could understand Stan's suspicions. It was just lucky that he never knew that I'd cheated on him.

"I was just talking to my brother," I told him and I pointed behind me towards the first years boys dorms. "I want to stay for the holidays but my mum is only letting me if Timmy stays too."

"That better be all," Stan said to me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him. "Look, I am sorry I hurt you. I can admit now that my obsession with Ben was terrible. It's Keith that I love now though. I don't want Ben anymore. I should have realized it sooner and I am sorry for being in love with him while we were together. I should never have put you through all of that."

"It's not about any of that Ellen," Stan said to me. "I know you cheated on me."

I felt my face flush when he said this. How could he possibly have known that? Only Keith and Michael knew about it. I'd never told anyone else! Had Michael blurted once again?

"Does the name Zachary ring any bells?" Stan continued. "You slept with that muggle boy the summer before our fifth year!"

"Who told you that?" I asked him.

What was the point in lying? I would admit it to him, but I just wanted to know who had sold me out. Stan deserved the honesty after all. I didn't know if I could forgive Michael if it was him.

"That foul-mouthed little girl told me," Stan said.

"Foul-mouth little girl? You mean Tracy? But how did she-" I shook my head. "Look Stan, I am sorry. I should never have cheated on you. I was such a bitch for that, but I would never hurt Keith like that."

"Why?" Stan asked. "I was never anything but good to you. You were my first love Ellen!"

"Because I am a bitch!" I exclaimed. "Haven't you figured that out yet? It's why you're so cold to me all the time."

"But you're not," Stan answered. "I don't want to hear that as an explanation. I've been cold to you because of what you put me through. I loved you, but you always loved Ben. When I saw you with Keith, I thought maybe there was some hope but then that Tracy girl told me that you cheated on me."

"Stan any explanation I give you won't justify it. It was a horrible thing to do to you and I never wanted you to find out. Not only because I didn't want you to hate me but because I hated what I did to you. You're right, you were so loyal and kind to me and I repaid you by cheating on you and by being in love with someone else, and I regret it. You might not believe it, but it's always been one of my biggest regrets. Keith knows all about it. I told him all about it and I was surprised he'd even want to be with me after knowing that," I said.

"You told Keith?" Stan asked with shock and I nodded.

"We tell each other everything. He knows more about me than even Ashley and Ben do... and they don't know any of that. I never want them to know," I said. "Stan, I truly am sorry. I can assure you that I would never cheat on Keith though. Why did Tracy tell you?"

Stan shrugged. "I don't know. She came up to me shortly after we got back from the Christmas holidays. She said it was a shame that you cheated because I am so hot. I mean, sure she could be lying, but she told me about Zachary and it's someone you told me you hung out with. I just don't understand why you would do that to me. Didn't I give you enough?"

"It wasn't you Stan, it was me," and then I realized what I was saying and I held up a hand before he could say anything. "And I mean that. It definitely was not you. I was just so messed up. Dad wanted nothing to do with us, I'd just been rejected by Ben, and mum was so disappointed in me. I'm not making any excuses, but at first it was the alcohol. We were all drinking and I wanted to shag, and so I shagged him. After that, I felt like shagging was a stress relief and I didn't see enough of you... and no that wasn't your fault either. I knew even then that it was a terrible thing to do to you. Stan, you have no idea how much I regret everything I did to you and everyone else."

Stan sighed. He was very unreadable at the moment. I wished so much that I had a time-turner so I could go back to fourth year self and tell her not to pull any of the things that she did. I'd even tell her to dump Stan so he wouldn't have to go through the heart break that he did.

"It doesn't justify you cheating, but I suppose I can understand. It's almost like Michael with alcohol and his parents... although he hasn't done anything nearly as bad... I get it though," Stan finally said which shocked me.

If I were in his shoes and I'd just found out it was him who cheated, I'd lose it. However, he held out a hand to me which showed he wanted us to shake. Usually only blokes did that with each other. He was showing me that he forgave me, and that was very big of him to do. I didn't even think Ashley would be as forgiving. I shook his hand though.

"You're a very big person to forgive me Stan," I said after I let his hand go. "I don't think I could."

"Ellen, if you had cheated just to cheat, I couldn't forgive you, but this is different. Like I said, it doesn't justify it, but it makes it easier to forgive. If it had been with Ben, I wouldn't talk to either of you ever again. I doubt we'll ever be close friends, but our friends do hang out together and I am sick of the tension. It makes it easier with Melanie talking to us again, even if I am not so sure I trust her. I just hope you keep your promise when it comes to Keith," Stan said. "And maybe I should have been there for you more."

"No, none of this is your fault," I said quickly. "Nothing justifies cheating and I will never cheat on Keith."

A few seconds later, Timmy and his friends tried to walk past us.

"Hold it!" I said as I grabbed a hold of my brother, and then I reached out to grab a hold of Tracy as well.

"Don't touch me!" Tracy squealed.

"No! You two have some explaining to do," I said furiously and I glanced at the other four first years. "The rest of you go on! I need to talk to my brother and this little bitch!"

"What's going on?" Timmy asked.

The other four first years looked confused, but they didn't need to be told twice. They hurried off. Tracy wrestled out of my grip and glared up at me.

"I am telling!" She said to me.

"Go ahead you little rat. One detention isn't going to kill me," I told her and then I turned to Timmy. "What the hell are you doing telling people that I cheated on Stan with Zachary!?"

"I didn't," Timmy answered.

"Then how does she know?" I asked and I pointed to Tracy. "She told Stan that I cheated on him."

"Ooh and now you're all upset because you got caught!" Tracy said with a smirk and then she looked at Stan. "I hope you let her have it. You know, I am going to be thirteen soon. I would never cheat on you."

"I am seventeen," Stan said to her. "I would never date you even if you were old enough. You only told me to cause trouble between us."

"You should be thanking me!" Tracy said.

"Thank you for trying to cause a fight between me and my ex-girlfriend," Stan said and he rolled his eyes. "I'll talk to you later Ellen."

Stan turned and walked off.

"Well that is just bloody bullshit!" Tracy said angrily. "How can he still like you after knowing that?"

"He doesn't," I answered. "Now explain to me how you know if Timmy didn't tell you."

"Yes, how do you know that?" Timmy asked her and then he looked at me. "I've never even told June or Jerry and I tell them everything. I don't know how she knows."

Tracy was smirking again. "Shouldn't leave your diary out Ellen," she said with such an annoying tone. I wanted to slap her across the face as hard as I could. I didn't have my wand with me, so I couldn't hex her.

"I had everything in my closet!" I said furiously. "I had mum charm it so that only I could open the door."

"Yes, but after we went to bed, you took your diary back out," Tracy said. "You were writing in it, and then you went to sleep."

"You read my sisters diary?" Timmy asked her.

His face was slowly turning red.

"You have!" Tracy retorted.

"She's my sister!" Timmy shouted. "You had no right to read her diary! Get away from me Tracy! I can't even talk to you right now. I am so damned sick and tired of you and the problems you keep bringing to us. Now you are trying to ruin my sisters life as well. What the bloody hell is wrong with you? Are you that damn insecure?"

Tracy stared back at him with shock. She didn't seem to have a retort ready this time. I felt flattered that he would stand up to me, but at the same time, how could he think it was okay for him to read my diary? I wasn't going to focus on that at the moment. Him and I would talk later about that. I could see his point anyway. He was the little brother who snuck in to read his sisters diary (even if it was wrong) and she was just a friend of his who snooped through his sisters stuff.

"I can't believe you waited until I was asleep so you could read it!" I said angrily. "If you come over again, you are not welcome in my room."

And even though I knew I could get in trouble for it, I swung a hand back and I slapped her hard. Tracy let out a squeal of pain. She didn't say another word, she just turned and ran off sobbing. Timmy stood with his fists clenched staring after her with disgust.

"I really hope you're going to stop hanging out with her," I said to him.

"I haven't decided yet," Timmy answered. "I'm going to talk to her later when I am not so angry. I'm going to tell the others what she did. I won't say anything about the cheating, but they should know she read your diary."

"Speaking of which, it is not okay for you to read my diary either," I said to him.

"You know what I meant," Timmy said to me with a scowl. "Maybe I shouldn't be, but it's worse for her to do it. You hit her really good you know."

"I just wonder how long it will be before I am in detention," I said.

"She won't tell," Timmy said. "She's terrified to lose us as friends. Right now I bet she is crying in her dorms but she won't tell anyone what happened. Maybe I'll just hold it over her head but I won't say anything to the others. That might be punishment enough for her."

"Do whatever you want, but if she keeps doing things like this you're going to have to make a hard decision Timmy. My friends and me had to make a decision like that when it came to Michael. She's going to end up having a wake up call," I said.

"I know. It's something Jerry and me talk about a lot. We know she is terrified of losing us as friends, so she try and hard not to go too far. This is going too far and she needs to learn a lesson," Timmy told me. "Anyway, Jerry, June and Tracy are staying with me, so you don't have to worry about me bothering you. They wrote to their parents after you left. Colin and Sally-Anne's parents want them home."

"Good. I think my friends might be right when they say it's fun at Hogwarts over the holidays," I said. "It will be like one long weekend."

"And maybe we can drink?" Timmy asked me as we began making our way through the tunnel.

"Give it one more year Timmy please," I said. "I started in the second year."

"It's the same as Alana, Rory and Derek. They all say to wait," Timmy said.

"Well then you should realize that we're all right. It's not like I am trying to deprive you of fun. I just want you to give it some time before you get drunk. You have plenty of time to drink Timmy. There is going to be a time when you're my age, and you'll be looking out for the first years," I replied. "I know I didn't keep my promise to you about OWLs and I am truly sorry about that, but I want you to promise me that you'll wait until this time next year before you drink. You'll almost be thirteen by then."

"Fine, but I am not waiting past second year," Timmy said. "I know the second years drink. When I am in the third year, you'll be gone and I can drink when I want... well, unless you fail again."

"Don't you start with that again," I said with irritation.

Timmy just shrugged. We exited the boys dorms and entered the common room. To both our surprises, Tracy was actually sitting with his friends. I could see the red mark where I'd hit her. I had hit her quite hard. Her eyes were blood shot from crying. I could see the other first years looked annoyed with her, so perhaps she had vented about me, and they agreed that she went too far.

"I better go see what's going on," Timmy said and he walked off to join his friends.

I was curious about what had happened, but I figured he'd tell me later. So instead, I went back to join my friends. The other Hufflepuff's including Keith and Dan were now sitting with my friends. I hurried over to sit on Keith's lap and then gave my friends the thumbs up.

"Timmy was excited about it," I told them. "And three of his friends are staying including that little bitch."

"What happened with her?" Ashley asked nodding over to Timmy and his friends. "She ran through the common room crying."

"I found out that she read my diary when she stayed over, so I yelled at her," I answered. "I think she was upset because Timmy told her off too."

I didn't see the point in adding that I'd slapped her. I would tell Keith later but everyone else didn't need to know the exact details.

"She's a horrible little girl," Anne said. "She got all mouthy with us when we told her to get out of our spot. We've been sitting here since second year. We've earned it after all these years. We used to have to fight for it when we were their age, and now everyone has accepted it's our spot in the common room."

"I'm not sticking up for her because she shouldn't be mouthy, but we used to wonder too why the older students felt entitled to certain spots," Ashley spoke up. "I can kind of see her point."

"I can too, but we were never bitchy like that," Anne said. "She called me all sorts of nasty names."

"I believe that," Ashley replied. "I don't understand why Timmy hangs out with her still, especially after knowing that she read Ellen's diary. I don't know what I'd do if I knew one of you read my sisters diary."

"Honestly, it's probably not that easy for them to just let her go either," Ben said. "Look at all the stupid fights we had when we were younger. Look at what happened with Michael."

"Okay, but I was never that bad," Michael said quickly.

"You had your moments mate," Jared said.

"But I had reasons for why I was so angry all the time. She just does it because she is an insecure bitch. Her home life is actually good. I've heard her brag about how much everyone spoils her in her family."

"Unless it's just a lie," Hank said. "We don't know anything about her. I only know about her because she is just a little bitch. I wouldn't pay attention otherwise. I've never paid attention to the younger kids before, but she has made sure to let everyone know who she is. I don't think someone can be that bitchy without there being a reason behind it."

"I don't know, but I am sick of it," I spoke up. "She had no right to read my diary. She waited until I fell asleep. She knows things about me now that a lot of people don't. I don't trust her and now I am going to be worried that she's going to use it against me."

"Not if Timmy has a say in it," Michael said and he pointed over to Timmy's group.

We all looked over. Timmy was glaring down at her and saying something furiously. She wasn't saying a word. She was staring down at the ground while he told her off. The other first years, even Sally-Anne who had her back at times were glaring at her.

"I don't think she'll be holding anything over your head," Ashley said.

"I'll have to talk to him later," I said. "I'm curious about what's happening," and then I laughed. "Who would have thought I'd be curious about his life and his friends. Their first years and I'm a sixth year."

"Barry was always curious about my life and my friends, and look how much Brenda interfered. It's normal," Ben told me.

"Well what exactly can be in your diary that she can hold against you anyway?" Ashley asked me. "We know mostly everything anyway."

"Just because we know about it, it doesn't mean that she wants others knowing," Stan spoke up which surprised me. "We keep secrets for each other, but we don't want people in the other years knowing."

"True enough," Ashley said accepting this which was a relief. I did worry she would try to press for details later. I was her best friend after all, but then again I was sure there were things she hadn't told me.

I glanced back over at his group. Timmy seemed to have his say. She hadn't left the group, but she was still sitting with her head down. I couldn't help but smile at this. I hoped his group would keep putting her in her place. The other five were now laughing together. I looked away from them still grinning. My friends were now discussing the Easter Break. The majority of the sixth years were staying. I hoped that there was some party planning going on too.

My friends were right, staying at Hogwarts during the Easter holidays actually was fun, and it seemed our schedule was full too. I wasn't happy about the fact that we'd have to do school work, but at least I didn't have many subjects to work on. There were two different lake parties planned, apparition lessons, and a few of us were even going to Hogsmeade to meet Harry Potter. We had to give him our accounts of what had happened with Nicole, Don and Xavier. It wasn't exactly a fun meeting, but it was nice to get out of the castle.

On the first day, I realized just how much freedom we had compared to when school was in session. It was already warm out too, and people were spending most of their day outside. My friends wanted to study outside. They had a system where it was one subject per day. I wanted to wait to do it until later, but they were all insistent that we stick to the schedule, even Keith.

Later that day I went over to Timmy to find out exactly what had happened with him and his friends.

"Timmy, let's go for a walk," I said to him when I approached him. I didn't want his friends involved with the conversation. He looked up at me with surprise. He was likely wondering why I wanted to talk to him when I'd said otherwise before.

"Slag," Tracy said as she scowled at me.

Timmy shot her a warning glare which caused her to look down quickly. He got up to join me. I didn't say anything until we left the common room.

"So what happened with Tracy?" I asked him. "I see you're group is still hanging out with her."

"I just told her that she needs to stop trying to cause problems for people," Timmy said. "So did everyone else. After you slapped her, she went to the others and complained about you. Jerry knew that you wouldn't slap her for no reason, and so he got it out of her for why. When everyone found out that she read your diary, they yelled at her and then I went over there. I told her off some more. I told her if she ever wants to hang out at my place again, she'd better not ever snoop again. I told her that she really needs an attitude adjustment. She didn't say anything again for the rest of the night. I'm sure she'll be good for a while but she'll probably go back to her old self. I'm sorry she called you a slag."

"I really hate her Timmy. I've never met anyone I've hated so much before. When you invite her over, she is sleeping in the living-room. I'll tell mum that too. I just can't believe you're still giving her a chance," I said.

"Well Tracy is our Michael. I know it sounds really hard to believe, but she does have some good qualities. When she isn't acting like that, she is really fun to hang out with. It's the only reason we stick by her, and we also don't want anyone to end up friendless. I guess it's just the Hufflepuff part of me. We all know she is good deep down, she just doesn't show that side enough. I wish you could see her when she acts normal because you two would actually get along really well," Timmy said. "She is getting better than she used to be. We're hoping if we keep telling her off when she starts, she'll eventually just. I mean, you and your friends didn't give up on Michael and he isn't a prat anymore."

"I can see your point there," I said. "But she'd better leave June alone. I'm sick of hearing stories about her picking on her."

"We are too," Timmy told me. "She is getting better about it. June is also speaking up a lot more too. She is a lot better than she was at the beginning of the school year."

"So how is the rest of your holidays going?" I asked him to change the subject. I was glad to see that they were getting tough with Tracy, especially June.

"Amazing!" Timmy exclaimed. "Maybe we'll do this every year. It's so much different being here when classes aren't running and we already have finished our homework. We just spend everyday having fun. Do you think we could go to the next lake party? We haven't been able to go to once since Ben's and there have been a lot."

Ever since Ashley had held the lake party for Ben, several other people had the same idea to do it for their friends for their seventeenth. There was even one in the winter time, which I had to admit was beautiful even if it had been cold. However, even though I was going to go to the ones (one for Denver Halfern and another for a Gryffindor boy Nathan) I was starting to find them a bit boring and so were my friends. I didn't understand why people couldn't get more creative when it came to the parties for their friends. I was sure that it was getting to the point that anyone who was turning seventeen was expecting it by the lake. We were planning a party for Michael in Hogsmeade and not with all the sixth years, just with people he talked to.

"No," I told him. "It's only for the people who are invited. To be honest with you, I am finding them to be kind of boring. I know to you that sounds odd, but it's what everyone is doing now. I don't get why they can't get more creative."

"Well what can people really do?" Timmy asked. "There aren't too many places to have parties at Hogwarts. I mean, they can't always have pool parties like Ben does."

"We're having a party for Michael in Hogsmeade," I replied. "Please don't tell me that you're planning to do the same thing when you're my age."

Timmy just gave a small shrug. "I dunno. That is a long time from now. Maybe something else will happen. Most of us have birthdays close to each other, so we might just do one big party. We've talked about that too. Tracy and Colin have birthdays close, and then Jerry and Sally-Anne and then me and June. We think it might be easier to do it that way instead of six different parties. Do you think we could go to Hogsmeade with you? Maybe mum could give me permission to go with you."

"We're being interviewed by Harry Potter about Michael's parents," I said. "It's not just a fun trip Timmy. You won't be able to be there for the interview. If I could, I actually would ask mum about that for you."

Timmy pursed his lips together, but he didn't press the issue which was a surprise. Usually he would argue anyway. Perhaps that meant he was finally growing up. He would be twelve in a couple of months after all.

"Is Ashley's leg ever going to get better?" He asked instead. "I notice she still limps sometimes."

"Only when it rains or snows," I answered. "She talked to Madam Pomfrey about it, and she believes there was so much damage to it that it won't ever be the same again."

"It rains and snows a lot," Timmy pointed out to me.

"Well it really depends," I answered. "But she's learned to live with it. It hasn't stopped her from jogging. She said it's a lot better than it was back in January. So maybe it could get better with time."

"I hope they get what's coming to them," Timmy said. "They as good as killed Michael's parents. I'd never forgive them if it was even dad. I hope they spend the rest of their lives regretting it. Why would they want that anyway? I don't remember much about being in hiding or You-Know-Who but I've heard enough from mum what people have said in school. Why would those people want that world back Ellen? He even killed his own followers."

"If I knew I'd tell you Timmy, but thankfully we found out the information we needed. Thankfully they were caught. Now hopefully everything we tell them can stop it from happening ever again."

"I hope so," Timmy said. "Maybe someday I'll be an Auror."

"I'm sure you could be. Michael wants to be one, even more now," I said.

"He'll be a good one. He is the best Dueller I've ever seen. Professor Frayton had him and some other people from your year and the seventh year show us how they do it. I hope I can do it that way someday. He was amazing! I hope some day I am that good," Timmy said excitedly. "And then I'll be able to take out all the bad wizards."

"I hope you never have to," I said.

And I truly did. It seemed as if it was too much to hope for unfortunately. There was always someone like You-Know-Who out there. It didn't seem to matter that they never succeeded. There was always someone out there who would try to be the next Dark Lord. I just hoped if it happened again, it wouldn't be in our life time, and that there would be ways to stop them from getting as far as You-Know-Who had.

I glanced down at my brother. He had grown a lot that year and it made me remember my promise to him. I had told him that I would measure him during the Easter holidays. I didn't have any measuring tape, but I was sure we could find some. I wished that I could conjure some and I wondered if Ashley knew how to. As I stared at him, I realised he had grown a lot more in the last six months than I had in my first two years. He was almost my height. How had he gained so many inches and I hadn't? Was it because I was a girl and he was a boy?

"What?" Timmy asked when he noticed me staring at him.

"You've had quite the growth spurt," I said. "I didn't notice until now how much you've grown. I promised I'd measure you. Too bad we don't have a measuring tape anywhere. We might have to ask Ashley or Ben."

"There is a spell for that," Timmy informed me. "Just do the spell on me."

"Well what is the spell?" I asked him and he shrugged. "Well that isn't much help Timmy."

"But Ben or Ashley might know," he said. "It isn't a first year spell. I just know there is a spell for that. You say the incantation and then you move your wand up and down in front of what you're measuring."

"And it's accurate?" I asked him.

Timmy nodded. "Well it depends if you do it right. It's like any spell. If you don't do it properly than it won't work right. If it's done right then the results will be accurate. I wonder why mum never did that. Why does she have a measuring tape?"

It was my turn to shrug. I couldn't really contradict Timmy when it came to spells. He knew more than I did, which was a bit pathetic. I was a sixth year and I had to ask my first year brother information about spells. I figured mum must not have known the spell or maybe she couldn't do it. I said this to Timmy who gave a small nod.

"Mum and dad aren't the best when it comes to their spell work. Did you ever notice that? They know some things, but not everything. I think it's why dad hates cleaning spells. He could never do them that well. Do you think that's why they like to do a lot of things the muggle way?" Timmy asked.

"Maybe," I said. It wasn't something I'd ever thought about or even noticed. There was a chance he was right though. I knew part of it was because they wanted us to grow up in both worlds, I wanted the same for when I eventually had kids, but there could be some truth to Timmy's observations as well. He was a lot smarter than me after all.

"Well let's go back to the common room," Timmy said to me. "If Ben and Ashley are there we can see if they know the spell or if they can get a measuring tape. I want to see how much I grew."

"If I have to estimate it, I think it's about five or six inches," I said to him. "Maybe you will be tall like dad after all."

"I don't want to be like him," Timmy answered. "And I don't want to look like him either."

I didn't answer but I figured Timmy should hope that I'd get all O's on my OWLs and NEWTs. He was looking more and more like dad as time went on, and if he had grown at least five or six inches in six months, he was probably going to have dads height as well. I wished I could take after dad when it came to height, but at the age of sixteen almost seventeen, it wasn't going to happen. I was always going to be five feet tall. I took after mum who wasn't much taller than me. I supposed it was a good thing for my brother however. It was harder for boys than girls after all.

So we hurried back to the common room where thankfully we did find Ashley and Ben. Ashley did happen to know the spell, but she also was able to conjure a measure tape as well. So we did both the spell and then we measured him physically as well just to be sure. According to Ben, the spell could be off so it was best to be sure. I was right. He had grown five inches. His face lit up when we confirmed this.

"So I am almost normal height!" He said excitedly.

"You're about the right height," Ben told him with a nod. "You're not that much smaller than your classmates anymore and for twelve year olds, they can be about that. I think I was about four ten or four eleven at twelve."

"I did notice that you've grown a lot," Ashley said to Timmy. "You're probably going to shoot up like Michael and Ben did. Michael was always taller than everyone else, and he just kept growing. I think he still is growing," and then she turned to Ben. "So are you for that matter. You're taller than Barry now."

"You think I'll be as tall as you?" Timmy asked Ben excitedly.

"Timmy, you're going to be taller than me," Ben said. "I think I'm done growing now. I think you'll be six three like Michael is. I'm just at a short six feet."

"Short?" I asked him with disbelief. "You're a foot taller than me."

"I hope I'm taller than you someday," Timmy said. "You're just saying that to give me confidence are you?"

"No I am not. You've grown inches already and I've seen how tall your dad is. He is taller than I am," Ben replied. "Believe it or not, but I was the same as you. I wasn't as small as you were at the beginning of your first year, but I was a runt for years. It was something my siblings made fun of me about all the time. Then they all came back one year, I believe I was ten at the time and I was almost the same height as Brianne. By the end of my second year, I'd surpassed her in height. Everyone grows at different rates Timmy. Even if you don't end up as taller than me, and I truly believe you will be, there is no shame. Look at Jared for example. He is about five eight maybe, and look at all the girls that he gets. No one cares that he is almost the shortest bloke in our year."

"That is true..." Timmy said slowly and then he turned to see his friends. "I have to go tell them the good news!" He told us excitedly and then without another word, he rushed over to them.

"Do you really believe that?" I asked Ben as soon as Timmy was out of earshot.

"Yes," Ben answered without hesitation. "That kid is going to be very tall. I do believe someday I will be looking up at him. Anyway, we're preparing what we're going to talk about at the interviews. We want to make sure we give them everything we know. So come with us. We don't want to leave anything out."

I'd been hoping to find Keith to have some alone time, but Ben was right. This was more important. I couldn't wait until these interviews were over and done with.

Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as we'd all believed it would be. Harry was friendly during the interview and he joked around with us. He seemed so normal. We'd all built him much more in our heads because he was a war hero. Some people seemed nervous to tell their sides of the story, but after a few people went, they seemed more confident. I was very confident when I told him everything I'd seen and heard. I did worry about leaving the part about Tara out. I didn't feel this was lying however. She hadn't really given much information to us after all. I was just worried about being caught in a lie and being sent to Azkaban or something.

It was a relief when it was over. Harry even let us hang out in Hogsmeade for a bit before we went back to the school. Us girls were went to look at robes while the boys went to the joke shop. I wanted to eventually get a nice pair for date with Keith and me. I stared longily at a witch who was looking at some wedding robes with her girlfriends. I hoped someday that would be me with Ashley. I knew someday it would be Ashley with me. Ben had the ring already after all. Keith loved me, but chances are he didn't have a ring yet.

The rest of the Easter holidays went by quickly. I was actually sad when the rest of the students started to come back. I'd enjoyed the carefree holidays and I'd already made up my mind about staying the next year as well. We could study for our NEWTs together and just have fun being the oldest in the school. Seventh year made me sad but excited at the same time. Very soon we'd be the oldest ones instead of having people above us. I'd been looking forward to it since the first year, just as I knew Timmy and his friends were looking forward to being as old as me someday.

The thing I was excited about the most was turning seventeen. Very soon I would be able to do magic outside of school. Ben and Ashley had been able to do it for so long, and now it would be my turn. I'd also be able to apparate when I wanted. Once school was done, we'd all go travelling for a year. We wouldn't have to deal with any responsibilities for an entire year!

Unfortunately, we still had to get through the rest of sixth year and then seventh year. Once the holidays were over, all of my friends, including Keith seemed even more nose to the grinestone than usual. They were just as bad as they were the year before, and not one of them would allow me to slack off. Not even Anne, Jess or Erica would allow it. Every single person, even Timmy and his friends were insistent that I work hard. With so many eyes on me this time, I had no choice but to buckle down and work hard.

With everything that was going on, I forgot to go down and see Madame Pomfrey to get my monthly birthcontrol potion. I didn't even think of it at all. All I could think of was the fact that we had exams, my friends all had apparition tests coming up, and Michael's birthday party. It wasn't just all that, but the most surprising thing of all happened. Melanie and Jared began dating. If I hadn't seen the two of them together, I wouldn't have believed it, and the thing was, Jared really seemed to like Melanie a lot. Perhaps she really had changed after all. I knew a lot of girls were pissed, including Jared's ex, Jolene. I wasn't sure what to think of it all.

It wasn't until the day after Michael's birthday party when I realized I'd forgotten the potion. We'd just finished our exams (which I knew I'd passed my OWLs with high marks that time) and so everyone was ready to let off steam. Most people had passed their apparition tests weeks before as well, so all of those people were celebrating that as well as the end of exams and Michael's party. Keith and me ended up quite drunk, and we hadn't had sex since the Easter holidays with everything going on.

When I woke up the next day in his arms, I felt dread but I didn't realize why right away. Keith was still sleeping and I couldn't understand why it was that I was feeling so bad. I went through everything in my head about the night before, and when I couldn't think of anything embarrassing that could have happened, I thought about exams and our tests. I thought back all the way to our Easter holidays, and that's when it hit me. I knew we hadn't used protection the night before, and it had been a long time since I'd taken the potion.

I didn't know if I should say something to Keith. There had been many times when I'd had sex without the potion or protection and nothing had happened. So I decided not to worry about it. The chances of me being pregnant were slim to none. I'd just finished my period not that long ago anyway. I wouldn't be ovulating quite yet. I didn't know much about monthly cycles, but I was sure that ovulation took place a week or two after the period. I'd had sex with Zachary two weeks after my period with no protection and nothing had happened. So the odds are this time were slim to nil. I would however get the potion as soon as possible, but even if I didn't, I'd make sure we used protection every time.

I decided for the time being that I wouldn't say anything to him. So I just snuggled up closer to him and closed my eyes. I was just thankful for the end of what seemed to be a long year. I truly hoped after everything my friends and me had been through that we'd have a peaceful seventh year. It made me wonder how Harry Potter had survived his years at Hogwarts. He had a Dark Lord to fight every year as well as drama.


	17. Everything Changes

Everything Changes

When school ended, all I hoped was to have a carefree summer. Timmy was now twelve years old after all. I figured mum would let up about me having to watch his every move that year. I'd baby-sat him at the age of twelve after all. What I wanted to do was relax by the pool, or visit Keith or my friends. All of my friends were planning to work that year, but I didn't want to. I felt that this was my last summer as a kid, and so I didn't want to work or baby-sit.

Mum had other plans at first, but fortunately, Timmy and me managed to change her mind. On the ride home, it was Timmy who brought it up. He began making plans about hanging out with his friends or them coming over.

"Well you'll have to talk to Ellen about that," mum told him.

I looked at her sharply from the passenger seat. "What do you mean by that?" I asked her.

"Yes, what do you mean by that?" Timmy chimed in. "I am twelve-years-old mum!"

"Exactly," I agreed. "I was twelve when you had me watch him. I was eleven when you had me watch him. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. I don't want to spend another summer baby-sitting mum! I am going to be seventeen in August. I want to come and go when I want. Besides, he is more mature than I was at that age."

Unfortunately, while this seemed to convince her that he could stay home alone, it did change the subject to my grades.

"That is true," mum agreed. "Okay, Timmy you are officially old enough to stay home alone. Ellen, I really hope your marks have improved this year. You have a point when it comes to his maturity. You had more detentions about your school work and notes home than Timmy has. Professor Sprout wrote home to me about Timmy's grades this year because he is at the top of the year."

"And I am sure she compared us," I replied dryly. "Just because we're siblings, it doesn't mean we're the same. Look at Ashley and her sister. They are so different that they might as well not be related. Just because he is nose to the grindstone, it doesn't mean that I am."

"He does it to make up for your grades," mum told me.

"And you're going to be happy with my grades," I said with annoyance. "I worked very hard this year and I will next year."

"And I'll probably do better when I am your age!" Timmy responded.

I turned in my seat to glare at him. At the moment, I didn't realize that this would be the first of many comments from him. I didn't mind that he did well in school. In fact, I was glad that he did. I truly hoped he wouldn't take what my friends called: "The Ellen Route," however, I didn't like having it rubbed in my face. Sure, I hated doing school work but a lot of it had to do with the problems I'd been experiencing at the time as well. By this point, Timmy hated dad but he'd moved on from the divorce. I knew he'd experienced the fighting firsthand, but that was years ago and he'd moved on. Now his biggest stress was Tracy. None of that compared to how my life had been, and his likely wouldn't be like mine.

Timmy just stuck his tongue out at me but didn't say anything else. Mum prodded me and sent me a glare. Even after all these years, she still took his side. I sent her a glare as well before I turned to look out the window. Timmy would always be the golden child of the family, and I never would be. I couldn't wait to be out on my own. When I had children someday, I'd never make them feel as if I favoured one over the other.

That summer turned out to be the opposite of relaxing. From the very beginning both mum and Timmy were on my case. When mum saw my grades, I hoped she'd be proud of how well I'd done that year, but all she did was lecture me. She told me that she'd always known that I had potential and that I'd better not achieve less than that during my seventh year. I finally got fed up with it a week into the holidays.

"I'll be seventeen in August," I reminded her. "You can't tell me what to do next year."

"As long as you're under this roof I can," she retorted.

"Then maybe I won't be under this roof for much longer," I stated.

"Don't make threats Ellen," mum said angrily.

"Then maybe you should be proud of me for once!" I said back angrily. "I just worked hard this year and all you can do is still criticize me. I did all this for me but for you too! When my OWL results get back, I'm sure you'll say the same thing!"

Mum did look sorry when I said this.

"I am proud of you," she finally said. "But Ellen, I've always known you could do better than what you've shown me. I am sorry if it seems as if I am being hard on you, but when I know you can do better, it is frustrating for me. When you have children someday, you'll understand."

"When I have children someday I won't favour one over the other," I told her.

"I don't favour Timmy over you," mum said to me. "And Timmy is a good boy right now but he is also twelve. I am sure that one day he is going to do something that will disappoint me as well. That's what happens with children and their parents unfortunately. For example, I had to yell at him the other day for throwing things off the balcony with Jerry. Now that is very minor, but that just proves your brother can be trouble sometimes. Let's not forget when he and Jerry set off those fireworks at New Years. If it seems as if I am favouring him over you, I am sorry. I most definitely do not love one child over the other. That is impossible. However Ellen, you've even admitted yourself that how you've acted the last few years weren't your best."

"And we should have moved past that," I told her. "All I've done this year is behave, and given everything that happened this year with Ashley and Michael's parents, I was very stressed but I still didn't do anything stupid. I'd just like some credit for once instead of a lecture. Even when I do well you still seem disappointed and it's getting to Timmy's head. He rubs it in my face, and it's hard for me to be around him. You're both stressing me out so much that I've been throwing up in the mornings."

"You've been throwing up in the mornings?" Mum asked and I nodded.

Every morning when I woke up, I threw up but I didn't find it too odd. I'd done that during fifth year as well but I hadn't told anyone. It was something that had happened when we'd been in hiding as well. For some reason when I was overly stressed, I puked. I told mum this but she still looked worried.

"That's why I just need for you to get off my case," I told her. "And for Timmy to leave me alone too. For once I'd like to eat breakfast without having to eat brush my teeth first."

"I'm sorry," mum said. "But Ellen, I really need for you to lose the attitude as well. You may be almost seventeen, but I am still your mother. I won't compare you to your brother anymore and I won't lecture you anymore. I don't want to stress you out. You're right as well. I am very proud of you and I should be telling you that. I just worry that you'll slack off just because next year is your final year. I should have given you more credit honey."

Mum walked over to give me a hug. I hugged her back tightly. I just hoped she would keep that promise. Unfortunately, she was right. I had planned to slack off in the seventh year. So her lecture wasn't all that off the mark. I did plan to prove her and my brother wrong though. This time next year, I'd be waiting to get NEWTs that would all be at least E's. I was that determined.

That wasn't to be however. I ended up going to Ashley's after a while because I couldn't take the stress of being at home with Timmy. Him and me just weren't getting along the way we used to. He'd taken on a smug attitude, and I was sick of it. Every single day we were fighting, and everyday mum was yelling at us for it. I was still throwing up everyday and I was tired a lot, so I decided to get away from it all by taking my friend up on her invitation to stay over for a little bit.

At her place, I still threw up quite a bit and I was still getting very tired. At first I thought it was just because I was helping Ashley baby-sit, but her mum seemed to think it was something else. She came home from work one night with a pregnancy test.

"Honey," she said to me as she joined Ashley and me in the living-room. Ashley was busy dividing up the money for the day. She insisted on paying me since I'd helped her. I glanced up as Ashley's mum sat down in front of me. "I don't think you are throwing up from stress. I think there is more to it than that. I've noticed it's been happening almost every morning. On my way home from work today I bought something for you. I really think it's a good idea if you use it."

"Why? What do you think it is?" I asked her eying the little paper bag that she had. It was a drug store bag.

"I think you're pregnant dear," she said as she opened the bag and pulled out a pregnancy test.

"Your mum has been concerned about how much you're throwing up as well. I don't think she suspects you're pregnant though," Mrs. Alexander said.

"I can't be pregnant," I told her. "I'm not even seventeen yet."

I knew even as I said it that it was a stupid thing to say. I knew girls could get pregnant as soon as they started their first period, perhaps even weeks before since she would have ovulated.

"That doesn't matter," she replied as if she knew that I already knew that. "You're at that age. Although I thought they had a birth control potion at Hogwarts."

"Well, I've actually forgotten to take it lately," I admitted. I hadn't taken it even after my realization but Keith and I hadn't had sex since then. We'd both been too busy. I couldn't be pregnant from Michael's party. I had just finished my period.

"How can you forget?" Ashley asked and I felt instant annoyance. Of course she'd never forget. She was always little Miss Perfect when it came to being responsible. "You take it once a month! I have potions for the summer here."

"It's just since April," I told her trying to hide my annoyance.. "With exams and everything I haven't remembered to go to the Hospital Wing for it. I forgot last year too though and I was fine. I think I am just stressed," I didn't see the point in mentioning the rest. I was sure Ashley's mum would try and tell me that my point in ovulation wouldn't matter or something. I didn't feel like Ashley getting all pious on me for being irresponsible either.

"Well I think you should use this to find out," Mrs. Alexander replied. "Do you know what to do?"

"I pee on it don't I?" I asked.

She nodded. "It's better to do this in the morning, but you can use it at any time."

"I'll use it," I said, "but I highly doubt I am pregnant."

I figured it wouldn't hurt to use it after all. I would prove them both wrong. Ashley hadn't said whether or not she believed I was pregnant but I knew she was thinking it. It was hard to read her face, but I figured she was wondering how I could be so stupid to forget to take the potion. She didn't have my life or the stress that I did. Stress for her still came in the form of her looks, even after all this time. She was Head Girl, she had a great boyfriend who would soon be her fiancé, she did well in school and she had plenty of friends. However, even with all of that, she still stressed that she wasn't good looking enough.

I took the box from Mrs. Alexander and headed to the bathroom. I read the directions on the box. I had to pee on it and then if two lines appeared, it meant that I was pregnant. If only one appeared, I wasn't. I was very sure that only the one line would appear. I tried to ignore the fact that I was late for my period as I opened the box. That didn't mean anything. In fifth year I'd gone three months without getting one. I didn't always get one every month.

After I peed on it, I washed my hands and tried to clean up any mess I'd made with it. I grabbed some toilet tissue and headed back down the steps and into the living room. I set it down on the table in front of us. The results weren't supposed to appear right away. No one spoke while we waited, and then suddenly, two lines appeared.

I closed my eyes and then opened them. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't be pregnant at sixteen, I just couldn't be. I glanced over at Ashley and her mum. I hoped they would be smiling. I hoped that I'd read the box wrong and that two lines actually meant a negative. However, neither were smiling. Both women glanced at me with shock and worry.

"Oh no..." I said the moment I saw the look of sadness appear on Mrs. Alexanders face. I knew she was feeling sorry for me.

"It's positive?" Ashley asked as if to confirm this.

"Two lines!" I stated and Ashley's mum was already nodding to answer her daughters question. I was sure Mrs. Alexander had already seen it, but I showed it to them anyway. Maybe I had misread Ashley's expression. Maybe she'd already been worried before she'd seen it. "I can't believe this. I can't believe I am pregnant! I'm sixteen! I'm going to be a teen mum, and how is Keith going to react? How is mum going to react?"

"Who do you want to tell first?" Ashley asked getting right to the point. By the expression on her face, I knew she was going to make me do it now and not avoid it. If I had it my way, I'd wait until the end of the summer. However, neither Ashley nor her mother would let this happen. I could tell that Ashley was going to make me do it that day and I had to think about who I would tell first. Keith's face entered my face mind right away.

"Keith and then mum," I told her before looking Ashley's mum. She looked as if she disagreed with this. I believed she wanted me to tell mum first. "I know I have to tell my mum, but I just think Keith should know first. Is it okay if I invite him over here?"

"Go ahead," mum said. "Just don't wait too long before you tell your parents, honey. I do think your mum will be very supportive of this."

I wasn't so sure about that unfortunately. Given previous experiences, I had a feeling that mum was going to be very angry and disappointed in me. I remembered when I'd broken down and I'd told her the entire truth about my sexual exploitations. She'd hugged me, but I knew she'd been worried that I could have ended up pregnant. She'd even made me go on the birth control potion. She knew that Keith and I were sexually active, but she trusted me enough to believe that I was using protection and that I was on the potion. What would she think when I told her?

How was Keith going to react? He was only seventeen and I'd made him a father. He thought I'd been on the potion after all. It was all my fault? He was going to hate me for doing this to him. All of our dreams for the future was over, and all because I was too stupid to remember to take a potion monthly. I began to cry hard. No wonder mum was never proud of me. I didn't give her a reason to be. I was nothing but a big disappointing failure. I felt Ashley hugging me, and it made me feel worse. I didn't deserve to be comforted. I sobbed on her shoulder anyway.

"Please don't tell Ben yet," I said to her when I pulled away from her. I wiped at my face. She was looking at me such pity and I hated that look. She knew my life was over too, and I knew she wanted to tell Ben. The last thing I needed was a Ben lecture. Him and Michael could wait. Keith and my mum, and even my dad needed to know. "I need to tell Keith and my family before I tell anyone else."

"I won't," Ashley said and I knew she was sincere, even if she was dying to, and I knew she was.

"Does Keith have to work tonight?" She asked and I knew she was implying that I had to say something right away to him. She wasn't going to allow me to even sleep on it or stress about it. I knew he wasn't working that day. He had it off, and he'd even considered coming over that night to hang out with us.

I shook my head and then I picked up the pregnancy test and tissue and then set it on the bag.

"I should tell him to come over," I said before Ashley or her mother could suggest it.

I grabbed my parchment which was on the table. We'd been writing to Keith and Ben earlier that day.

Keith, I need you to come over to Ashley's right away. It's urgent. If you aren't busy, please come over now. You know where to apparate to.

Keith responded right away, so I figured he must have still been working on homework. Usually when he did this, he kept the parchment open and in front of him so he could see if he received any messages.

I'll be right over.

I knew that he was likely going to apparate the moment. I didn't want him to see my face all swollen from crying. I knew I'd start crying again, but I didn't want to alarm him right away.

"He'll be here soon," I told Ashley and her mum. "I'm just going to go freshen up."

I got up and headed back up to the bathroom. I still had some makeup out from that morning on the bathroom counter. So I washed my face and then reapplied some. It was waterproof makeup, but it had still been obvious that I had been crying. I took a few deep breaths to get a hold of myself. This was the biggest news I was ever going to have to tell someone. It was worse than when Stan had confronted me both times. It was worse than when I'd told Ben my feelings for him. At that moment, I couldn't believe that Ben rejecting me had been so stressful for me. I'd take that over this over and over again.

I headed back down to the living-room again trying my best to compose myself. Ashley and her mum were still in the living-room but the moment I sat down, Mrs. Alexander left the room to make dinner. I had a feeling she wanted to leave this to Ashley and me now.

"Do you want me to leave the room when he comes?" Ashley asked me.

"No," I said right away. I needed her with me. It would be hard enough to tell him as it was, but I couldn't do it without my best friend. I needed her support, even if there was a chance that she was secretly judging me. "I want you here, please. I want you to go with us when we tell my mum too."

It might have seemed like a lot to ask, but out of all my friends, I needed her with me when it came to that. I just hoped she would.

"What about your dad?" Ashley asked.

"He hasn't been part of our lives lately; I don't care what he thinks now. I imagine he'll try to blame mum anyway. I don't care about his opinion. He's the one who is choosing to ignore the wizarding world. He's made his decision," I told her. I would tell him, but it would be on the parchment.

There was a knock on the door and I heard Ashley's mum answer the door.

"Who's there?" We heard her ask.

"Keith, I'm under a disillusionment charm," we heard Keith say. "I can take it off once I'm inside."

We heard the door shut.

"Sorry, I thought it would be easier and quicker this way," we heard him say.

"Well the girls are in the living-room," mum told him.

Keith thanked her and then he appeared in the living room. He looked over at me with a worried expression on his face. He walked over quickly and sat beside me.

"So what's wrong?" He asked. "You said that it's urgent."

"You're going to hate me," I said and the tears started to fall instantly. I wasn't going to be able to tell him this without crying, but I'd already know that.

"Why what happened?" He asked me and he looked scared now.

"Keith this is really hard to say-" I began.

"You're not breaking up with me are you?" He asked me, he actually looked close to tears himself now, but I wasn't sure. His eyes were shining.

"No, but you might with me," I told him and I started to cry even harder.

"You didn't cheat?" Keith asked but in a smaller voice.

I knew why he was asking this. I didn't blame him for jumping to that conclusion right away. He knew about my past. Part of me wished that was it. I'd rather him hate me for cheating than for ruining his life. I couldn't go on and I started to cry harder. Ashley must have told him no however.

"What's going on then Ashley?" He demanded.

"Tell him," I sobbed and this was why I knew I needed her now and with my mum. "I can't."

"Ellen is pregnant," Ashley told him.

I wished I could see his expression, but I couldn't see through my tears. Keith pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I didn't know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. He was a good man after all. He could have been furious with me, but a crying girl was one of his weaknesses.

"Ellen, I don't hate you, and I am certainly not going to break up with you," he finally said and I felt complete relief at this. Especially when he added: "I love you."

"It's my entire fault," I admitted. "I forgot to take the birth control potion."

"Ellen, we were always both there for it," he said to me. "I didn't always remember to say the spell or use a condom. It's not all your fault. We both did this."

"It's going to ruin our lives though," I said. "Quidditch is over now, and what about you? You have all your plans to work in the Ministry."

"Ellen, I can finish my year seventh year at Hogwarts, and why is Quidditch over? You can have the baby and then play it when the baby is older. We'll make this work. It's a bit early than either of us expected but we can do this," Keith told me.

"You're so amazing," I told him. "I don't deserve you."

"Ellen you have no idea how much you've made me happy. You do deserve me. Everything is going to be okay, you just have to decide what you want to do for seventh year," he said and he hugged me tighter before he pulled away.

How was I so lucky to have such an understanding man? Not too many seventeen year old boys would react the way he was. Some would be angry or freaked out but he was supportive right away. He was still planning our future and with the baby too.

"Well I want to go for as long as possible," I replied and I wiped my tears away. "I want to prepare for my NEWTs. I don't know when the baby will come but if I can study as much as I can, I should be able to still take them with everyone else."

Why hadn't I tried harder on school? I had to have good marks to make money for the new baby. I knew children weren't cheap and I didn't want some job at the Leaky Cauldron. What if that was my only option though? I'd focused so much on Quidditch that I'd let everything fall behind. Why had I been so stupid? Why was it now that I was realizing it all?

"I'm sure we can make something work with Professor Sprout," Ashley said to me. "The teachers can probably still send you home you're homework. The baby probably won't be here until at least February or March. I can't imagine you're more than six weeks pregnant. It's July now."

"It was probably Michael's birthday party," I told Keith. "Remember that night? We were both extremely drunk that night. You always remembered the spells and the condoms. That night though we were both falling down drunk."

"That was the twelfth of June," Ashley said. "What's the date today?"

"The fifteenth," Keith told her. "So it's a little more than a month."

"So it will probably be sometime in March," Ashley continued. "So you'll only really miss four months of school or so. It depends on how long you'll want to stay though."

"Well we'll have to go find out my due date," I said which seemed scary to me. Once I went for the appointment, it would make all of this even more real. "It will probably be a couple weeks before then."

"You know our Easter holidays are actually in March next year," Ashley said. "I checked. So you'll be there for most of the first two terms. The last term I imagine will mostly be review."

"That's true," I said and I felt a bit cheered up. I could still get some education with some of the classes I had, and now I had even more reason to work harder. It wasn't about Timmy or mum anymore, but this baby inside of me. "You really think that we can do this?"

"I do," Keith replied. "We'll be all right, but now we need to tell our parents."

"I want Ashley to go with me when I tell my mum," I informed him. I knew Keith meant right now, just as Ashley had. I wanted to talk to mum first before his parents.

"Whatever you want babe," Keith told me.

"I have to go wash my face again," I told Keith. "Then I want to go to my mums."

"You go ahead," Keith said with a nod.

I knew it was pointless to reapply the makeup, but just as I'd felt with Keith, I didn't want to alarm mum right away. I felt that telling mum was going to be even worse than it had been telling Keith. She was already disappointed in me, and now I was going to give her the most disappointing news I possibly could give her. What if she hated me for this?

I quickly washed my face and just put the bare minimum of make up on.

"I don't know what the point of putting makeup on was for," I admitted when I returned to the living-room. "I know I am going to cry again."

Ashley quickly told her mum what she was doing, and then she decided it was best for her to apparate us over to my place. Ashley took us straight to my living-room. I heard Timmy laughing as soon as arrived. I glanced in the direction it was coming from, and saw that he was on the balcony with Jerry and Colin. Even though mum had told them off for throwing things off the balcony, they still did it anyway. I wondered if that's what they were doing again. All three were laughing very hard. I was relieved that Tracy wasn't around.

"What are you lot doing here?" Timmy called after he noticed us there.

"We need to talk to mum," I told him. "Where is she?"

"In her room I think," Timmy answered.

"You'd better not be throwing things off the balcony again," I told the boys before I turned to Ashley and Keith. "Let's go."

We headed down the hall and into mum's room. She was folding laundry on the bed. The moment I saw her, I couldn't help it. I started to cry right away. I felt Ashley squeeze my hand. Mum looked at me in shock, and then got up.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Mum asked and she hurried over to hug me.

I couldn't tell her this time. Last time I'd just told her about all the bad things I'd done at school. Now I was finally reaping the consequences of my irresponsibility, and I couldn't tell her. She wasn't going to forgive me this time. This was the worst thing I'd ever done.

"What's going on?" I heard mum ask but I had a feeling that she was asking Keith and Ashley instead. I knew Keith wouldn't be able to tell her. It was going to have to be Ashley who told the News again. Once again, I was grateful that I had her in my life. I'd made a good choice when I'd decided to talk to her back in first year at the sinks.

"My mum was really worried about Ellen because of all the throwing up she's been doing," I heard Ashley say, "and she suspected it was worse than stress, so after work today she went and bought a pregnancy test-" I heard and felt mum gasp now "-and had Ellen use it. It was positive. Ellen wanted to tell Keith first, so she asked him to come over to my place. After she told him we came over here."

"I'm so sorry mum," I sobbed.

"I think I kind of suspected dear," mum said to me, "I was going to say something when you came home. I'm glad Mrs. Dun-Alexander suspected as well though. Can you thank her for me dear," she added to Ashley.

"Now let's sit and talk about this," mum said to me.

She was taking it a lot better than I thought she would. I thought by now she would be yelling at me for being so irresponsible and for ruining not only Keith's life, but my own and hers too.

"Ellen, I think this is something you, Keith and you mum should talk about," Ashley suddenly spoke up. "I'm going to go home, but you know you can come over when you need to."

I knew that she was uncomfortable, but I also knew she was worried that I'd make her tell Keith's parents as well. I didn't blame her for wanting to go now. This was now something for mum and me to talk about with Keith, and it was up to us to tell his parents. I couldn't ask her to tell people whom she barely knew that kind of news. She'd done enough. I also knew she wanted to let Ben and Michael know. It didn't hurt to tell them now. They were my best friends and they would want to know. I wouldn't be able to do it, so I wanted her to do it anyway.

"Okay," I said. "Thanks for coming over. I had a feeling I was going to need you to tell her. I'll talk to you later tonight. You can tell Ben and Michael now."

Ashley nodded and without hesitating, she turned on the spot and disappeared. I couldn't wait for the day when I could finally do it on my own. I wished at the moment I could do the same instead of having this conversation with mum.

Mum led me over to the bed and sat down, she pulled me down beside me. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around me. As she sat down. Keith hesitated before he sat down on my other side. I was sure if Ashley had been uncomfortable that he was even more so. He was in my mothers bedroom and she had just found out I was pregnant. She knew he was the father. This was probably the most uncomfortable conversation he'd ever have.

"I know you're disappointed in me," I told mum. "I should have been taking the potion. It's not Keith's fault, it's all my fault. I haven't taken the potion since April."

"Ellen this is as much my fault as it is yours," Keith said quickly. "I should have done the spell or used a condom. You can't put the fault on yourself alone. Even if you were on the potion, I should have still been taking precautions. That potion isn't always affective. It's how we ended up with Lance after all."

"It's how we ended up with Timmy," mum said and then she looked at me and wiped a tear away from my face. "Ellen, it is disappointing to hear that my sixteen-year-old daughter is pregnant. I won't lie to you and say that I am proud. However, I am very proud of the turn around you've had in the last year, and you know that. I also know that you are a very determined young lady, and I know that you'll do everything that you'll do everything you can to take care of this baby."

I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. "At the beginning of the summer you got into lecture mode with me, and now you're being so supportive about this. I was scared that you would hate me and you'd never forgive me."

"It's as I told Ashley. I kind of suspected it when you told me you were throwing up. I talked to Ashley's mum about it at Ben's that night, and I think it's why she decided to get the test. She knew I was worried about it and she said she'd keep an eye on you. I've had time to digest the news if it turned out that you were," mum said to me. "And I could never hate you Ellen, and there is nothing to forgive. Besides, I know this will sound odd to you, but I am more proud of you right now than I was a year ago. Right now I can see a young girl who is planning to be responsible, even if she was irresponsible. I don't think you could have handled it well last year or even before that. I don't believe you'd be here telling me this. I think a year ago you'd be hiding it from me."

"Mum, if it hadn't been for Ashley, I might have done that anyway," I admitted. "You really have nothing to be proud of. She basically took charge for me to tell Keith and then you."

"Ellen, you wouldn't have kept this from me, and you know it," Keith said to me. "I know you wouldn't have. I also don't believe you would have kept it from your mum either. She's right. You are different from a year ago."

"I should have been on the potion," I insisted.

"But you weren't," Keith said. "I should have used protection, but I didn't. We both messed up, and now we are both going to take responsibility for it. We are going to be parents to our baby. We are both going to finish school."

"And I am going to help as much as I can," mum told me. "If you'd like to go to Hogwarts, I support you, but when you come home, I'll help."

"I want to go as long as I can," I told her. "Ashley thinks that maybe I can do at least most of second term."

"Well we'll see. Ashley is a nice girl, and she'll make a good Head Girl, but she's never been pregnant. A pregnant girl walking through those corridors with all that underage magic isn't the best idea. I say you should go for your first term at least," mum told me. "I know you'd like to stay longer, and it's up to you. Being pregnant isn't easy on the body at all. You'll be carrying extra weight that you aren't used to, you're ankles will swell, your back will hurt and you are going to be very hormonal. Not to mention the fact that teenage girls can be very cruel. Your classmates are going to make fun of you for being pregnant and so you'll be dealing with that stress on top of everything else."

"I want to go until at least February," I told mum.

"And then we'll set up an area here for the baby," mum continued. "I will take care of you for the rest of your pregnancy. I'll also help you out when it comes to school work as well."

"You're being so supportive," I told mum. "You're not yelling at all. Where is my mum?"

"She is being a mum. What is a lecture or yelling going to do?" Mum asked me and then she looked at Keith. "And now my dear, it's time to tell your parents. If you'd like, we could invite them here. I'll send the boys down to the pool. We'll tell Timmy about the baby later, but for now, we'll talk to your parents. I know you'll want that support, and if you need me to tell them, I will," and then she glanced at me. "And we'll have to tell your dad too honey. I can do that as well."

I couldn't believe how strong my mum was. I was so shocked at how well she was taking this. I'd imagined all different scenarios, but not this one. She was taking charge just as Ashley had, and she wasn't yelling or telling me that I was such a huge disappointment. She was talking about the future already. I just had to wonder how Keith's parents would react? Would they hate me for making their son be a father before he was ready?

However, his parents also surprised me. While mum went to send the boys down to the pool (who as it turned out were throwing things off the balcony again) Keith wrote to his parents to come over.

"Are you ready for this?" I asked Keith as I led him into the living-room.

"No, but your mum was supportive, so I am hoping mine will be too," he replied.

We sat down on the couch and Keith pulled me close. He kissed my cheek and gazed at me so lovingly. How could he still look at me that way? I'd ruined his life and yet he still loved me just as much as he always had. I didn't think it was possible, but I loved him even more than I had before. I couldn't have picked a more supportive man to be the father of my child.

Mum was busy making some food in the kitchen. She walked into the room with a tray that had an assortment of veggies, fruit, crackers and cheese on it. She also had several cups of tea on it as well. I instantly reached for my own. I hesitated before I took a sip.

"This is safe for the baby right?" I asked her.

"It's herbal tea," mum told me. "There is no caffeine. Have you had any alcohol in the last six weeks?"

I nodded and I felt scared. As much as I didn't want to be a mum at my age, I didn't want to harm my baby either. What if I'd done something to hurt my little one? I'd played Quidditch and I'd taken a hit to the stomach. What if that had done something to my baby? I would never forgive myself if I miscarried. I told mum all my fears about this.

"Well when we go see the Healer, we'll tell her. Ellen honey, you would have miscarried by now if the hit to your stomach had caused any damage I believe. I think you'll be fine. The baby is still so tiny now. You can't play Quidditch anymore," mum said.

I felt relief when she said this, and I already knew I couldn't play it. I would do anything to protect this baby. As devastated as I felt about being pregnant at my age, all I wanted to do was have a healthy baby. I would do everything to make sure that my little girl or boy was born healthy and with everything he or she needed.

"I won't do anything to cause this baby harm," I said to mum.

"The fact that you're talking like this shows me that you'll be responsible," mum said to me. "And that's why I am proud of you."

There was a knock on the door, and Keith suddenly looked scared again. Mum headed over to the door. Moments later, she led the Edwards in. Neither were smiling this time, and I had a feeling that Keith had told them it was urgent. Mum directed them to sit on the love seat while she took a seat on the couch with us.

"I volunteered to speak up for Keith," mum said as she looked over at Keith and me. I felt Keith tighten his hold on me.

"Keith said it was very important we come right away," Mrs. Edwards said. "Somehow I already have a feeling I know what it is."

"Same here," Mr. Edwards added.

"Well I'll get right to the point then. Ellen just found out that she is pregnant," mum told them.

Both of Keith's parents began nodding, so they had suspected it right away. And to our surprise, all three of them began talking about it. No one was angry. They all had a logical conversation, and they even included us. This wasn't like the telly or movies at all. Usually when a teen girl announced her pregnancy, she was either sent away or the parents disowned her or something. The only thing they didn't agree of was how long I'd be going to school for. Keith's parents didn't think I should go at all because of all the underage magic and stress, and mum and Keith thought I should only go until Christmas break.

"I need to try and stay for as long as February at least," I said. "I need to do this for the baby."

"But honey, we can help get tutors for you if we have to," Mrs. Edwards said to me. "I understand why you feel the need to go for so long, but it will be stressful for you. If you're stressed, it will be hard on the baby."

"How about this," Keith said. "You'll go for as long as you can, but if you start to feel the stress or anything else, you'll come home."

"And we're here for you too," Mr. Edwards told me. "Every step of the way. It's early, but we like you a lot Ellen, and we know Keith loves you."

"You're all being surprisingly supportive about this," I repeated. "Why are you being so supportive?"

"Because it's all we can do," Mrs. Edwards told me and then she smiled at me. "I never told even Keith this, but I'm sure if he has done the math, he may have figured it out. I was just seventeen when I got pregnant with him. So I understand what you're going through. It's why I am not so sure about you returning to Hogwarts. I had to finish my final term of secondary school, and that was hard enough. You'll be about six months pregnant by December and I know you're in a castle with many steps. You don't know how hard it is to be that pregnant dear."

I glanced over at Keith, and I saw that he was staring at his mum in shock. He'd never mentioned it to me before. I did think she was very young looking, but I hadn't thought much beyond that. To me, even if an adult was young looking, she was still an adult. I always knew Ashley's mum was a young mum after all, but she was still so much older. She'd only been eighteen when she'd had Jaime. Perhaps that was why she was supportive with me as well.

"Why didn't you ever tell me mum?" Keith asked.

"Because it never came up, and I was able to finish school. Perhaps I should have, and perhaps you would have taken more precautions. We knew you two were sexually active after all," and then she turned to me again, "As soon as I received Keith's message, I had that feeling. Dear, after everything I've been through, I am very understanding. So of course I am going to be supportive of you and my son. You're both very young, but I do look forward to being a grandmother, even at my age."

"And I wasn't much older," Mr. Edwards added. "I was just a year above her. I was a year fresh out of school, and I'd barely started my career. I'd felt horrible to get her pregnant when she was just finishing school. I feel as if history is repeating itself, but I know my son. I know he'll finish school, and I am sure you'll do your best as well Ellen. We've always liked you."

"Well thank you for your kind words," I said. "It really means a lot. I think it will be easier to get through this knowing that all of you support me."

"That's what we're here for," mum told me. "We're the parents and as I told you before, that is what we're here for. We are here to support you. Yelling at you two or lecturing you two won't help when you're both feeling bad enough as it is. All we can do is support the two of you through this, and hope that you've learned from this, and take responsibility. I believe you two will do so, you will be very good parents, even as young as you are."

"That's the exact plan," Keith said.

"And now I have to decide what I want to do. I can't play Quidditch anymore," I said.

"But you can play Quidditch when the baby is older," Keith told me.

"No," I said instantly. "I don't want to be away from my child for months at a time. I need something that takes me home everyday. Quidditch is off the table now. Maybe there is something I can do something with Herbology."

"Well you'll have time to decide that," mum told me. "For now, we just need to prepare for this baby."

"I don't want to tell Timmy yet," I said quickly. "I will tell him, but just not yet please. So don't anyone tell him or his friends when they come upstairs."

"That's up to you, but we will have to tell him soon. I am thinking of turning the den into a temporary room for the baby. We'll have to tell him soon because he'll ask questions. Besides, you know your brother. He is intuitive and he will pick things up. He will try to listen in on private conversations," mum told me.

"I know," I said. "And I will. I'm just not ready today. I've told enough people today. I just need some time before more people know, and I know Timmy will be disappointed in me. I just can't take it anymore today."

"I understand," mum said.

"Well we'll set up a room at our place too," Mrs. Edwards said. "We have the spare room and Lance will be going to Hogwarts next year. We will be able to help out with him gone. Once you're ready, we can take the baby on weekends at times."

"And I am going to arrange to come home every weekend," Keith said. "I'm seventeen and so I should be able to once the baby is here."

Even with all the support, I still felt depressed. Everything had changed with just one pregnancy test. It had all changed with one careless night with Keith. I'd had plans to travel with my friends, and then we were going to rent a place together after Hogwarts. We would save money together, before we moved into our houses to start our families. Now Keith and me were going to have to start a family early on. Keith loved me now, but what if he wasn't ready to start a family? What if the idea of having a baby hadn't hit him yet?

Timmy knew something was wrong, and he kept questioning me about why I was crying, but I just couldn't tell him quite yet. Mum and Keith tried their best to cheer me up, but I just couldn't stop thinking about everything that I was going to miss out on. For the next eighteen years of my life, I was going to have to put a child first. I'd never experienced any freedom. My biggest regret of all was my past though. I couldn't stop thinking about all my sexual exploitations and my slacking off. What if I'd gotten pregnant at fourteen or fifteen instead of sixteen almost seventeen? I would have dropped out of Hogwarts years ago because of it.

It wasn't until all three of my friends came over that I was finally able to cheer up. They came over while I was looking through my scrapbook again. I'd taken to looking at it since I'd found out the news. I would never be that young girl smiling at me and waving at the camera again. That small girl who looked eight instead of eleven didn't realize that she would get pregnant at sixteen. That second year girl holding a broom with her team mates was full of hopes and dreams about being a professional Quidditch player didn't know that her dream would never come true. That third year girl gazing at Ben with such love didn't know that she'd fall in love with someone else and didn't know that she'd end up pregnant with his child in three years.

My friends found me crying and wiping tears away from my face with a tissue when they came in. I tensed up a bit as soon as Ben looked at me. I expected his usual lecture about how I should have been as careful as him and Ashley were. All he did was hug me though, and so did Michael. Neither boy lectured me. In fact, all three of them seemed to avoid the topic at first. Instead they talked about their plans about going to the Dragons Breath. I had a feeling they were trying to keep things light, but that just made me feel worse and cry more. I wanted to go to the Dragons Breath. It was the popular pub for most people seventeen to at least twenty-five. I'd heard it was amazing, and they were going there.

Thankfully once I sobbed out my self-pity about not being able to join them, all three of them began to reassure me, even Ben. Not one of them tried to lecture me about how I was stupid to have unprotected sex without the potion. All three of them seemed determined to make me happy, and to help me realize that my life actually wasn't over. All three wanted me to know that there was still a lot of fun times ahead for me. Ben assured me that Barry and Tasha still had fun even with baby Minnie around.

When Ashley got up to use the bathroom, I couldn't help but take a good look at the boys. What would they do in this situation? How would Ben react if he got Ashley pregnant? Of course someone like him would never forget the spell or a condom. He was probably secretly judging me for it all.

"I'm surprised I haven't had a Ben lecture," I finally said.

"What would be the point?" Ben asked me with a shrug. "The last thing I think you need right now is for me to get on my high horse," and then he smiled and winked at me.

"Everyone is being so nice about this," I said. "Not even mum or Keith's parents got upset with me. Everyone is saying there is no point in a lecture, but I am sixteen years old and I am pregnant. I don't get why mum isn't grounding me or lecturing me for it. She's always lectured or grounded me. She was so disappointed in me last year, and even when I got home this year she lectured me that I had to keep my marks up. I figure you of all people would want to lecture me about being so careless Ben. I forgot to take the potion for months! You and Ashley would never make that mistake."

"Because we all know that your life is about to change because you were careless one night," Ben said. "Why lecture you and make you feel worse when it's clear that you're upset? You already know that everything is about to change and you want to make things right now. You already know that you should have worked harder years ago on your school work, and you also already know that you should have been more careful. What am I going to say that will change anything? Also, we aren't always careful. Do you know how many times I've relied on that potion to work? Half the time I don't use the spell Ellen. I could have gotten Ashley pregnant several times in the last two years. That potion isn't always effective. It's how mum ended up getting pregnant with Brianne and then me. Both times they just relied on the potion. Ashley and I talked about that. We can both acknowledge that we haven't always been careful either."

"And I am not one to talk," Michael added. "Anne wasn't on the potion in fourth year. I could have gotten her pregnant at any time. There were times when I was drunk and I forgot. We're your friends. We are here to support you."

"That's what my mum said and that's what Keith's parents said," I replied. "I just didn't expect everyone to be so accepting of this. I mean, mum didn't even really tell me that she was so disappointed in me."

"Because there is no point in making you feel worse than you already do," Michael said. "You're living some of our worst fears at the moment and you know you should have been more careful. Your mum knows that you need support, and we know that too."

"I feel like everyone is rewarding me for getting pregnant," I explained. It was the best way to explain it. "People reacted worse when I failed my OWLs then with this."

"Because you should have worked harder on your exams, but you still didn't care. Anyone can see that you realized that you should have been more careful, and you are planning to take responsibility," Ben said. "There isn't anything else we can say or do that you haven't already thought of. You're a bit young to have a baby, but I have a feeling that this will also be the best thing that will ever happen to you. A year from now, you'll have a little girl or boy and you will have forgotten all the worries you have now."

I smiled and then leaned forward to hug both Michael and Ben to me. How had I ended up so lucky to have so much support? No one was breaking up with me, lecturing me, ending our friendships, or kicking me out. Every single important person so far in my life wanted to be there for me.

"So show us this scrapbook so far," Michael said to me as soon as I let them go. "Where are ours? You and Ashley are making ones for us too."

"You two don't get to see yours until next summer," I said and then I showed them the back of my scrapbook. "Even though I've been feeling sad about getting pregnant, I did add that in here."

I'd been working on the scrapbook while I'd been looking at it. I'd added all of our sixth year photos to it, and then I'd added a page for the baby. Someday I'd show this book to my son or daughter and I wanted him or her to see the day I found out about him or her. I'd also written in the day that I was sure the baby was conceived. As upset as I felt at the moment, I knew I was going to love my child very much, and I wanted to share as many memories with them as I could. I would never be like my father or Michael's parents. My child would never feel abandoned.

I said as much to the boys who both nodded.

"You're going to be an amazing mother Ellen," Michael said. "I know it may not feel like it right now because you're so young, but you are very lucky. I'm sure you'll realize once you hold that baby for the first time in your arms."

"I'm sure I will," I agreed and then I flipped the book back to the first page.

I took it to the very first picture we had of the four of us together. It was taken at Ashley's first birthday party. Jess, Anne and Erica had always taken pictures of every moment back then. It was right after Ashley decided to include Michael into our group. The four of us were standing together with our cakes, and little me was eying little Michael with distrust. Ashley and Ben were standing back and exchanging looks warily. It seemed even back then that they'd been in agreement on things.

"I didn't know this existed," Michael said as he stared at the photo.

"Ashley doesn't even have it," I said. "I wanted it because I remember how much I didn't want you apart of your group. It's just a reminder to me that I should always be open minded about things. It's a picture I've looked at since I found out about my pregnancy. It reminds me that what seems like a bad thing can turn into a good thing."

"Your dislike for me is very clear," Michael said. "I can see how nervous I was. I didn't know if the two of you would accept me or not. I was worried even then that if you didn't accept me that Ashley and Ben wouldn't have either."

"And we wouldn't have," Ben agreed. "But thankfully it didn't come to that, even after our fight."

"Where is Ashley?" Michael asked. "She said she went to the loo, but she's been gone a while, and the door is open."

I shrugged. "She is friendly with mum so she is probably talking to her. Maybe Timmy and his friends came back up. They were down in the pool, but they may have come up and she could be visiting with them. They come here a lot, especially the boys. Thankfully I don't see much of Tracy. The girls have only been here a few times this summer."

"She didn't even go into the loo anyway," Ben said. "I watched her leave. She probably went out to talk to your mum or something. I wouldn't worry about it. She's been concerned about you Ellen. I'm sure she's just trying to make sure your mum knows that she'll be there for you this year. She told me as Head Girl she'll do everything she can to help."

"As long as she is looking out for herself," I answered. "I have Keith and you lot as well. She doesn't need to watch over me too much. She'll have enough to do with her duties and her school work. I don't want her to work herself too much. We'll actually have to watch over her as well."

"Already planning on it," Ben said and then he smiled at me. "I guess they'll have to have new blood on the team this year since I'm not going back on the team either."

"I guess Martha will be happy," I sighed. "She's wanted that badge for years and she thinks she'll be a better captain anyway."

"She won't be anything compared to you," Michael said.

"Exactly," Ben said. "She doesn't have good leadership skills. She was passed over as a prefect because she bosses the younger kids around. She's a damn good player, but she won't make a good captain at all."

"Look at this!" Michael suddenly exclaimed and he pointed to one of the pictures. "I thought Rachel took this picture. How is it moving?"

"It was with my camera," I answered. "It wasn't her own camera. I brought my camera during those two weeks for us. Everything was so tense so I really didn't get too many pictures of us from that summer. We were getting along that day, and Rachel was taking many pictures that day at the beach."

It was a picture of the four of us standing by the water and smiling. Ashley and Ben were standing so close together that their arms were touching. They looked so happy and comfortable with each other even then. Michael had his arm around my shoulders, but I was trying to stand as far from him as possible without being rude. The look on my face clearly said that I was uncomfortable, and Michael looked as if his smile could have been fake. Perhaps he knew that I was uncomfortable.

I looked at another one from that day. Ben and Ashley were grinning at each other. You could see it in their eyes and they were just twelve back then. At times I thought I saw it between June and Timmy. At least I hoped I did. If anyone was good for my brother, it was that little girl. I pointed this out to Ben who nodded.

Ashley appeared moments later and Ben called her over. Michael was still laughing about the photo of us all together by the water. It was odd that he could laugh now about it when at the time it had stressed him out so much. I felt that I could do the same though. There was such disappointment in little me's eyes as she noticed the love between her best friends. Now I felt very happy for them. I watched as Ben pulled Ashley on his lap. They complimented each other quite well, even if at times Ben might have seemed suffocating to Ashley. I could imagine them married and having a little brown haired and brown eyed little girl. Perhaps my baby would be a girl, and they'd be friends.

"Look at this photo," Ben said to her excitedly. "This was taken right before we started second year. Remember? That was the day we went to the beach with Rachel and your sister."

"Look at the way Ben is looking at you," I said confirming that it was obvious even then. "I knew it even back then."

"There's one of us all together by the water," Michael said. "That's when I was in love with you, Ellen," he added stating the obvious.

"It's so true when they say a picture speaks a thousand words," Ashley said as she gazed down at the photo. "We look so young though. We're going to have to take a lot this year too. It's so amazing seeing us grow up like this."

I turned the pages to our sixth year. The photos I'd just added to it recently. It had been hard to decide which ones to use. Many of them we hadn't looked as happy as we had in the first year. There were some taken after the death of Michael's parents, and it showed on our faces the stress from it all.

"We have to make this year as carefree as possible, even you Ellen," Ashley said as if noticing the same thing.

"At least the girls will have something to gossip about," I said thinking about Mrs. Edwards words from the other day. I knew she was right. I had to wonder if Tara would remain my friend after all this. I was sure that year was the year I'd find out who my real friends were. "And you know they'll latch right onto that. It'll take the heat off Melanie I suppose."

"Just remember it's all jealousy," Ashley said. "Ignore them all and just work hard this year so that you can do your tests later. It's all about taking care of that baby and preparing for the future."

I smiled at those words because she was right. I stared down at the latest picture of the four of us with our arms around each other.

"Yes it is," I agreed.

My life wasn't over after all. I had a brand new life inside of me. I had started a new generation and in twelve years, I would be sending her off to Hogwarts. She was the first of our kids to go. As I stared down at us smiling, I hoped she or he would find the same friendships and happiness I had found while at Hogwarts.


	18. Growing and Coming of Age

Growing and Coming of Age

After my talk with my friends, I actually started to feel excited about the new life inside of me. I stopped crying about the fact that I was sixteen and pregnant. I knew that I would get the grades I would need, and once my baby was old enough, I'd make the money I needed for him or her. Keith was planning to go into the Ministry if he could right after Hogwarts. Mum was going to let me live with her until we were ready to move in together. She said he could even move in with us too if he needed to.

I couldn't stop thinking about names for my baby if it was a girl. I'd always loved the name Michelle, but I also really liked the name Clarissa. For a boy, I wasn't too sure yet. I figured it was something Keith and me could discuss together. He liked the names Michelle or Clarissa too, but he wasn't sure about the boy name except maybe Mickey. I wasn't sure about that name because it sounded more like a nickname than anything. I wasn't saying no to it, I just didn't know for sure if it seemed right.

"It's either that or I was thinking Elliot," Keith said one afternoon while we sat in my room and talked about it. "You know, after Dan. His last name is Elliot and that's also a boys name."

"I like Elliot," I said quickly. "We'll have to think of middle names as well."

Keith sighed. "I can't believe we're thinking of this," he said.

"Yes I know," I said. "Does it bother you yet?"

"It's not going to bother me ever Ellen," Keith said to me. "I wish you would stop taking the blame for this. Yes, you should have remembered the potion, but I should have remembered the spell or a condom. It took two of us to make the baby, and it is our responsibility to raise our new baby. I'll admit I am terrified at that very prospect, but Ellen, I am not angry with you or even myself. It is now time for us to own up to our responsibility."

"Yes I know," I said. "But I just feel responsible for-"

"Well don't," Keith interrupted. "Ellen, I don't want to hear you blaming yourself anymore for this. So please just don't bring it up anymore. Right now, all we need to do is prepare ourselves for our baby. You told me that you don't want her or him to feel that they're a mistake, and so we have to stop thinking of this as a mistake."

"I know, but at times it's not that easy," I replied. "Everything changes Keith, and I don't think reality has set for either of us quite yet. Mum said it probably won't until after we actually see the baby on the ultrasound or until I feel the baby kick. She said even then it probably won't until I'm actually holding my baby in my arms."

"My parents said the same thing," Keith said. "Mum said reality really didn't hit her until she felt the labour pains. She said everything that came with being pregnant didn't even hit her, not the backaches, hot flashes or sore feet and swollen ankles. She said it was once she felt the labour pains that she realized that she was bringing in a new life and she had that responsibility."

I nodded.

"It still feels like a hypothetical situation to me," I said. "I need to tell Timmy still. You can tell me with him if you want."

"No, I'll let you do that," Keith said. "And you should do it soon. So we're going with Elliot or Michelle then?"

I nodded with a smile. "Yes, I really do love Clarissa too, but I love Michelle the most. I've always wanted to have a little girl named Michelle, ever since mum read a story to me with that name in it. I always imagined raising her. She would have long blond hair and beautiful blue eyes."

"I'm sure that's how she will look. I like that name too. I can imagine having a girl with that name too. It seems kind of fitting for a little blond haired and blue eyed girl," Keith said. "I think she'll be a smaller version of you."

"But prettier because she'll take on your looks as well," I said. "She's going to have all the boys after her."

"Okay, I am done with this game now," Keith said with a smile and then he stood up and kissed me. "I have to go to work soon, so I need to get home and get ready. Perhaps tonight is the night to tell Timmy. Our appointment at St. Mungo's is coming up very soon and you want him to go."

"You're probably right," I said. "I can't put it off any longer. Send him in here when you leave. He's watching some American Telly show right now. I forget what it's called, but it's some teenaged show. It's actually quite bollocks, but for some reason him and his friends love it."

"They usually are," Keith said. "I just find it funny that your mum doesn't mind us being in here alone anymore. She used to check up on us every fifteen minutes or so. Now she never checks."

"Probably because what could happen when we're alone has happened," I answered. "You're right though. I guess being pregnant at sixteen has some advantages. Have a good night Keith. Make sure you write to me when you can."

"I always do," he leaned over to kiss me again before he left the room.

I felt nervous about telling Timmy this. I remembered how he'd reacted when he found out that I'd failed all my OWLs. I'd promised him that I wouldn't make anymore mistakes like that, and this was definitely a big one. I tensed up when he entered the room moments later.

"Keith said you wanted to talk to me," he said as he walked into the room. He joined me on the bed. "Mum lets him come over more now. She doesn't even care that you two were in here for a long time."

"Well there is a reason for that," I said. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm pregnant Timmy."

Timmy stared at me for a moment.

"You're yanking my chain right?" He asked me. "This is some kind of prank for rubbing my grades in your face all summer."

I shook my head and put my hand on my non-existent stomach. I knew eventually I would have one, and it would seem very strange to me. I hadn't even gained yet, but mum said that was normal, especially with first time pregnancies. She said as small as I was, there was a chance I wouldn't even show until my sixth month.

"Tell me you're joking," Timmy insisted. "You can't be sixteen and pregnant."

"I'm not. I found out almost a week ago. Ashley's mum noticed I was throwing up so she made me take a pregnancy test. I was shocked too," I answered.

Timmy jumped up. His face turned red instantly and he stared at me with fury. This was the reaction I'd been expecting from mum.

"How could you do that Ellen!? You're ruining your life! You're not even sixteen yet and now you're knocked up? I tried not to say anything in the past with all the sex and drugs and the alcohol... but this-" and he didn't even finish what he was saying. He just shook his head and stomped off. At the door he turned and glared back at me. "I've always looked up to you Ellen. Ever since I was a little boy, I've looked up to you. I am very disappointed in you. I haven't been happy with your life choices, but this is the worst thing you've done so far. You should have worked harder in school too. Now you have terrible grades and you won't be able to support the baby because you slacked off. You'd better put that baby first before any of your selfish needs from now on."

And then he slammed the door as he left. I began to cry again because I knew he was right. I should have worked harder. I still had my hands on my stomach and I looked down and sighed.

"Michelle or Elliot, I promise you that from this moment forward, I will put you ahead. You'll never be seen as a mistake because you're not. I'm going to work hard on my school assignments and I promise you'll never need for anything. Keith and I might not be able to provide for you the way that Ben or even Ashley could, but you'll feel nothing but love. I love you right now even though you're probably tinier than my finger nail. I'll admit, I don't know about the stages of a babies growth. I can't imagine you're too big though. Maybe I'll get a book soon to find out though. I love you my little baby," I said.

I did have some money, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to buy one of those developmental books soon. I wanted to know how my baby was developing every week and how he or she would look each week. We did have the internet for some reason, so maybe I could even look it up online. I sighed and wiped my tears away before glancing at my parchment. There was a new message on it. I wondered if it was one of my friends or maybe Keith giving me a final good-bye before work.

My heart sank as I read through the message though. I'd cheered up a little as I'd spoke to my baby, but now I felt awful again. Dad had written to me. His message told me that he was very disappointed in me, and that he should have known that under my mothers influence I'd get myself in trouble. From his message, it seemed he wanted to put all my choices on her.

Furiously I wrote back to him that it wasn't her fault but my own. She couldn't have stopped me from having sex, and that I was almost seventeen, and I was responsible for any choice I'd made in life. I told him that he'd better not have actually told her it was her fault, because anything that happened when it came to me was something him and me could discuss.

Just don't hit me up for money. You made your bed, you lay in it. I lost you when you were twelve years old. There is no hope now because of your mother.

I wanted to write back that he'd made the decision to leave. He was the one who had put Timmy and me out of his life for some muggle woman and her kids, but I didn't. There was no point. I just pushed the parchment away furiously. I knew mum had written to him about this, and I'd also expected he'd blame her, but it still bothered me. Mum had tried her best to guide me, but I was very stubborn. I'd fought with her and gone behind her back. I'd been determined to destroy myself, and I'd also been the one to forget the potion. Mum knew I'd have sex even if she told me not to. This was my fault, and my fault alone. I didn't care what Keith said. I should have remembered to take the potion.

I felt let down after my fight with Timmy and dad. I shouldn't have cared what my father thought of me, and I lied to everyone and said I didn't, but I really did. It was hard to feel enthusiastic about a lot of thing, especially with Timmy not speaking to me. However, I couldn't let myself fall into self-pity. I had to think of the growing life inside of me.

So I went to apparition lessons that summer with some of the girls who'd failed their tests, and I worked hard on my school work. I studied through my Transfiguration textbook so I could redo my OWLs for that subject as well. I worked on my NEWTs. I prepared lists of things I would need for the baby, and I spent time thinking about the future. I bought some developmental books to read at night before I went to bed.

I also began another diary. I always kept up with my diary, but I started a new diary that I would give to my child for their seventeenth birthday. Everyday I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. I tried my best not to show my fear too much, but I did actually put in a lot of honesty as well. I wanted my child to understand everything I felt through the course of my pregnancy. I made sure to assure my child that while I felt frightened at sixteen to be pregnant, I did look forward to the day I could hold him or her in my arms.

I know that while I am terrified of being someone's mother, especially when I am so young, a year from now I'll forget what it's like not to have you in my life. Mum, Keith's mother (your grandparents of course) and Ashley's mum (I'm sure we're still best friends even now when you're seventeen and guaranteed you've met Mrs. Alexander) have all told me that they forgot what life was like before they had a child. I think I'll feel the same. Whenever I think about the stresses I'd felt before finding about you, they seem so silly. Now all I think about is whether or not I can be a good mum to you. You deserve the best care possible and I might not live up to that. I might not live up to my mum, or Ashley's mum or Mrs. Hoofer. All the women I know, even Tasha seem like the best mum's ever and I don't think I can be that good. Everyday I wake up excited but terrified too. I notice babies everywhere now too. I'd never paid any attention to babies before, except the ones I know personally like Minnie or when Hayden was just a baby. Now I have one inside of me, and according to my book, you're the size of a blueberry. Apparently you're just developing some facial features and ear buds but you can't hear yet.

I haven't even told Keith yet, and it's why I hope Ashley and me are still friends when you're reading this, but I want to name her your godmother. So I hope that her and me haven't fallen out between now and your seventeenth birthday. I hope that you two have a good relationship like the relationship she'll probably have with Hayden too. He is her godson too, but you probably already know that. I wonder if him and Minnie are dating? We all think someday they will. I wonder if you're dating? That is so weird to think about when I know you're just the size of a blueberry right now. Anyway, I made that decision almost a day after I found out about you. Ashley has always been there for me, and I can't think of a better person to be there for you as well. Ben is of course your godfather, but it's mainly because he's her soon to be husband. I don't know if I would have picked him as godfather if they weren't together. I don't think I would have. I hope you have a good friend just as I do.

I love you little Michelle or Elliot. I can't wait until I find out if you're a boy or girl, then I can give you your rightful name when I write in this to you. I'll write to you again tomorrow.

Perhaps to other people it might have seemed odd, but I couldn't help it. I wanted my baby to understand everything. I did hope that Ashley and me would be celebrating the baby's seventeenth together. It was strange to think of my seventeen year old son or daughter when I wasn't even seventeen yet. So far I was just telling him or her about my worries, but soon I'd want to give my child some advice. I was going to tell him or her more about my old love for Ben. I had nine months to write down everything I wanted to though.

I sighed and closed my book before turning to my parchment. Ben had just written to me. They wanted to come over soon to talk about my party. They were turning the pool party into a party for me this time. It wouldn't be a surprise, but I was glad to be part of the party planning. I loved party planning. I wished I could make a career out of that.

There were more messages after Ben's. Some were from some of the girls who I was practicing apparition with. They wanted us to meet up early for lunch for our next lesson. I hadn't told anyone past my friends about my pregnancy, and I was thankful that I wasn't showing yet. I didn't know when I would mention it to other people, but I knew I had to soon. I didn't want them to figure it out once I started to show. I wanted people to know on my own terms.

As I wrote back to the girls, it hit me. Ben was planning on having all of the sixth years, and anyone else we were friendly with at the party. I could announce it then. I just had to make sure it was okay with Keith as well. It would give them something to gossip about, but it would give them time to digest the news before school started as well. It would also help me figure out who my true friends were because I knew how catty girls could be. So before I wrote back to Ben how when they could all come over (which was basically whenever they were free) I wrote to Keith about my plan.

He wasn't at work but I knew he was trying to spend some time with Lance as well. Unlike me, Keith had no problem with hanging out with his little brother. Although lately I wished that Timmy was trying to follow me around like he used to. Since I'd told him about my pregnancy, he wouldn't even look at me let alone talk to me. He spent most of his days down in the pool or with his friends. I had a feeling he'd told them because whenever they came over, they would look at me funny. I was surprised that Tracy even held back when she came over. From the way she smirked at me, I had a feeling she knew. Perhaps my brother had told her to keep her mouth shut though.

As I thought about Timmy and his friends, Timmy walked past. I called out to him, but he kept going. I blinked back the tears. As much as he annoyed me in the past, I wanted that back over this. I remembered back in first year when I'd wanted him to be the annoying little brother again instead of the depressed little boy he'd turned into. When I felt annoyed with him, I would have to remember moments like this. I would even take the fighting from the beginning of the summer over the silent treatment. I sniffled and wiped at my face. I hated how much I was crying and I wished I could stop. I hated being so weepy.

My highlight for the next couple of weeks that summer was party planning, apparition lessons and shopping for the baby. We weren't sure of the gender yet, so we were buying gender neutral things for the time being. Mum didn't think it was a big deal if we bought girly things and I had a baby boy because she said we could either give them away, or we could keep them for when I needed them. I already knew this baby wouldn't be my first child.

"And it really doesn't matter if we dress the baby in girl clothes anyway," mum told me. "It really doesn't matter for the first few months. It's fun to dress them up, but babies spit up so much that having extra clothes even for the opposite gender is a good thing. Timmy wore some of your old outfits during his first month."

We were in the waiting room at St. Mungos. I was about to have my first ultrasound. We were just waiting for Keith to arrive. Timmy, who hadn't spoken to me in weeks looked up sharply. He was sitting on mum's other side and moments ago he had been staring at the wall with a bored look on his face.

"You did not dress me in girl clothes," he said to mum in disbelief.

"Yes I did," mum said to him. "The Healer believed we were having a girl, so we kept Ellen's old clothes. We had to dress you in them until we could get you your own clothes."

"You're not dressing my nephew in girl clothes," Timmy stated firmly.

I stared at my brother. Before now, he seemed to have little interest in me or my baby. How dare he sit there and make demands now. I was such a big disappointment to him after all. Why would he want anything to do with his niece or nephew? Timmy glanced back at me and then he sighed.

"I'm sorry Ellen," he said to me.

He got up from the chair and walked over to sit on my other side.

"I was just shocked by the news," he said once he was seated. "But I shouldn't have yelled at you and I shouldn't have been ignoring you. Tracy, Sally-Anne and June have all told me off for it you know. They've been insisting that I apologize and talk to you again. At first I wasn't sure about it, but the last few days I've really been thinking about it. I've really regretted it, but it was just such shock to find out. I can tell you're trying hard to make a good life for the baby though."

"Did I hear you right when you said Tracy told you off?" I asked ignoring everything else he'd said for a moment. I would address the rest afterwards. I already forgave him anyway. I could understand why he was angry with me even if it had hurt.

"Yes," Timmy said with a grin. "I was surprised too because at first she thought it was funny that you got pregnant. She was the first one to tell me off though. She said that even though you shouldn't be pregnant at sixteen, I should be supporting you since you're my sister and that's my future niece or nephew. Sally-Anne and June agreed with her. I've been thinking a lot about it. I was going to talk to you later today, but I guess this as a good time as any. I am truly sorry Ellen."

"It's understandable Timmy," I said. "I haven't made the best life choices lately, and even though I shouldn't be pregnant, I won't screw this up. I'll do anything I can to make this baby happy."

"Then that means when you can you should find out if you're having a girl or boy," Timmy said to me. "You can't dress my nephew in girl clothes. Promise you won't."

I sighed and rolled my eyes at him with amusement.

"As soon as I can, I'll find out the gender and I won't dress the baby in girl clothes if he is a boy," I answered with a smile and then I leaned over to hug Timmy. "It really means a lot to me that you're talking to me again."

"I shouldn't have stopped," Timmy said. "I love you Ellen."

It wasn't often that we said that to each other. In fact, I was sure it had been a long time since we'd said it to each other. I was just pleased to know that I had him back on my side.

"Am I late?" I heard Keith asked and I looked away from my brother to smile up at him.

"No, we haven't even been called in yet," I said to him. "It should be any time."

"Good," Keith said as he sat down on the other side of mum. "I was worried I'd be late. I had to convince Lance that he couldn't come, and he got all angry with me. I told him that I'd let him be part of this, but just not yet. If we can get an ultrasound picture, I said I'd show it to him. Do you think we'll see the baby?"

"Well it really depends," mum answered. "Ellen is probably about ten weeks or so, and it's typically about twelve weeks when you can the baby or hear the heartbeat. We might get lucky though. I didn't come to St. Mungo's for my pregnancies. My parents preferred me to use the muggle hospital, so hopefully there is a charm that can detect the pregnancy better."

"Will we find out today what the baby is?" Timmy asked and mum shook her head.

"I don't think they can determine that until eighteen weeks or so," mum told him. "Today we will just find out exactly how far along Ellen is, the due date and if we're lucky, we may even hear the heartbeat."

"Brilliant!" Timmy said excitedly.

Moments later, we were called into one of the rooms. I had to lay on a bed on my back. I'd seen ultrasounds on telly shows, but in our room, there wasn't any of that equipment. There wasn't a computer monitor, and the woman who went by the name of Healer Smeck didn't put any gel on my stomach either. All she had me do was lift my shirt, and she waved her wand over my stomach and muttered under her breath.

"I'll have to some more intimate checks as well," she informed me. "Your brother will have to leave the room for that, and then I can give you all the information you need. You'll have to change into one of the gowns we have here. After we do this, I can show you your ultrasound."

"You mean you've already done it?" I asked her and she nodded.

"I just have to tap a piece of parchment with the spell, and it will show up on it. It will tell me everything I need to know, but I want to give you a pelvic exam first. So anyone who you don't want to in here for that, need to leave now. It won't take too long, it's a routine check. I just need to check your cervix."

Thankfully all of that didn't last long. It was a very uncomfortable procedure, and as she said, very intimate as well. The only people who had touched me there the way she did were boys I'd been intimate with. She used her fingers and cold instruments, and I hoped that would be the only time I'd have to go through it all. All I wanted was to see the ultrasound of my baby, and to find out the due date.

I dressed quickly, and then the five of us gathered together for Healer Smeck to show us the first picture of my baby.

"I thought we'd be able to hear the baby's heartbeat," Timmy complained.

"And we might," Healer Smeck told him. "It won't last and this is just an echo of the heartbeat when I performed the spell on Ellen. Sometimes we can hear it when I first make the picture, and sometimes we can't. Unlike muggle ultrasounds, this picture will always move around for you."

"And can I get a copy of it for myself?" Keith asked her as she pulled a piece of parchment in front of her.

"Yes you can," she answered him. "I can make many duplicates."

She tapped a piece of parchment in front of us. Nothing happened at first, but then something dark appeared on the parchment. It wasn't just that however. As the picture on the parchment began to form, a loud thumping sound emitted from the parchment.

"Is that-?" Timmy asked with a whisper and Healer Smeck smiled at him.

"Yes it is," she answered.

"That's our baby's heartbeat," I said to Keith as I took his hand.

I felt tears in my eyes, but for the first time in a long time, they were happy tears. I was seeing my baby for the first time, and I was hearing his or her heartbeat for the first time. Keith and I grinned at each other and I could see his eyes shining as well. I glanced at my brother and mother afterwards. Timmy rarely cried, but his eyes too were shining, but I knew he was as happy as we were. Tears were streaming down mums cheeks already, she wasn't even trying to hide it. I felt that this was the first of many happy family moments. I knew that this day forward would be nothing but happiness for us, and it was because of the baby in the picture.

I couldn't wait to get home to write to my baby. I wanted him or her to know how happy it made me feel when I saw him or her the first time and heard the first heartbeat. The sound stopped and I felt disappointed. I wanted to hear it over and over again.

"Can't you make it stay?" Timmy asked. "I want to hear it again."

"Well you can as I make for everyone who wants one," she said. "Unfortunately, it doesn't last very long. It's a charm that we are trying to perfect however. I know many parents would love to be able to hear the heartbeat whenever they want, but unfortunately we haven't figured out how to do that yet."

"Maybe Ashley could figure it out," Timmy said to me before he turned to Healer Smeck. "Her friend Ashley is the best person at Charms in her year. She is actually doing seventh year charms already even though she hasn't done it yet. She was able to figure out some charms that one of the teachers struggled with. I bet she could figure that one out."

"Maybe she could, but this is a very advanced charm," Healer Smeck told him and then she turned to Keith and me. "Now are you two ready to hear when you'll officially be parents?"

"We're ready," Keith said excitedly and I nodded eagerly. Keith reached over to take my hand.

"You're eight weeks along, and the baby will be due March sixteenth," she told us. "I would like to see you here before then Ellen. When do you think you'll be able to return?"

"Well I start school in September," I said. "But maybe I can schedule some appointments for when I am in school. I can come back over my Christmas break."

"Well I'd like to see you at least once before the Christmas break," she told me. "So we could schedule you in for October. I want you to try to take it easy. I know what it's like at Hogwarts, and if it gets to be too much, I think it's best if you come home. You can always do your school work at home. I know the teachers at Hogwarts will work around your pregnancy. They have in the past. With all the stairs and underage magic, it's not the best place for a pregnant girl. By Christmas you'll be very far along my dear. I also don't want you to be overly stressed either. The last few months you really need to relax."

"We can take her out of school for that," mum said.

"And then can you find out the gender then?" Timmy asked Healer Smeck.

"I think we will do that when your sister comes home for Christmas," she told Timmy. "The next appointment will just be to check up on the baby and to update the ultrasound pictures. I'll make everyone else a picture now. Would you like one too?"

"Yes," Timmy said eagerly. "I want to know everything about my niece or nephew."

"I'm sure you'll be an amazing uncle," she said smiling at him. Timmy beamed back at her proudly.

Four more times we were able to hear the baby's heartbeat, which pleased all of us. I did wonder if Timmy was right. Ashley was good at perfecting spells when it came to Charms. At the end of the year, we had to figure out how to do just that and she did it right away. Timmy was also right when she said she had to help out a teacher with a spell. Professor Sprout had difficulty with a charm, and Ashley had shown her how to do it properly. Perhaps she'd be able to figure it out for ultrasound pictures. She understood charms in a way that many people didn't.

"I can't wait to show everyone this," Timmy told us happily as we left. "I just wish we could still hear the heartbeat. I'm glad that the baby is at least moving. Don't you think it looks like he is waving Ellen?"

I glanced at my own picture again. Timmy was right. It did look as if my baby was waving, but it was really hard to tell. I was going to take that as a yes though. It was something I could write to my baby about when I could. I wanted to keep the picture for now, but soon enough I'd put it in the diary with the entry.

"It does look like the baby is waving," Keith said with a grin. "You know, I've known you were pregnant Ellen but it's really hitting home with hearing the heartbeat and now seeing this."

"Wait until you hold the baby for the first time," mum told him. "That's when it will for sure."

"Will I be able to come home when the baby comes?" Timmy asked her. "I want to come home when Ellen goes into labour."

"Yes honey," mum told him. "I'll be sure to give Professor's Sprout and McGonagall written permission about that. You'll be able to spend a few days at home to meet your niece or nephew."

"I'll be sure to do the same for Lance too," Keith said. "I'll have to talk to mum and dad though. I'm not sure if they'll want to go to St. Mungos. They'll probably wait until we come home with the baby."

"That's fine. We'll make sure to arrange everything with them," mum told him. "And I'm sure it won't be a problem for Lance to come home if Timmy can."

"March is going to take forever," Timmy said. "I mean, last year it felt like first term went by quick but I feel like this is going to take a long time. I just want the baby to be here already."

I couldn't help but laugh. My brother was back and I hoped that he would stay that way.

"You can't wait?" I finally asked as we exited the hospital and into the busy muggle street. "How do you think I feel? I'll be the one carrying this baby you know. From what I hear, I am only going to get more uncomfortable. I'm already feeling tired easily and I'm already having to visit the loo a lot."

Mum laughed and put an arm around me. "Just wait kiddo, it's only going to be a bumpy ride from here on out."

"Can we get ice cream?" Timmy asked.

"Ice cream sounds good to me," I answered and I looked at mum who was smiling.

"Yes, I think we can go out for lunch. I think we'll get some food to go with our ice cream. Are you up for that Keith? Perhaps you can invite your parents and Lance to meet us," mum said.

"I'm sure they'll be up for that," Keith said. "They're dying to know how it went today. They told me to write as soon as I could."

"Then we'll go to restaurant close to them. We'll apparate there," mum told him. "We should have gotten more ultrasound pictures for them."

"We can probably duplicate one," I said.

"We'll have to make it so it can't move though," Keith said. "They'll want to show their muggle friends."

"That won't be a problem dear," mum told him. "Now whereabouts do your parents live? I haven't been there yet and I need to make sure we appear at a safe spot."

"I'll take us," Keith said. "I can apparate now remember. I'll take Ellen first, and then I'll return for the two of you."

It ended up being a good night with Keith's parents and his brother. Timmy and Lance still got along quite well. The two of them eagerly discussed Hogwarts together while we talked about the baby. Keith's parents were teary eyed the moment they saw the ultrasound. Lance was in awe over it. He couldn't believe that the baby was inside of me and no one could tell.

I didn't mention it, but I had gained some weight already. I didn't think it was clear to other people, but my clothes were tight. I would have to either get Ashley to charm them to grow with me, or I would have to buy more clothes. Ashley had already made sure that my Hogwarts robes would grow with me. She wasn't sure if it would work since she'd never done it before, but I was confident with her abilities. If it didn't, I wasn't too worried about it. Mum had said she'd send me more robes when I needed them. If I had to get more clothes too, it wasn't a big deal. Mum knew of a good maternity place that was actually cheap.

I was starting to get self-conscious however. I knew that I was going to keep growing, and I knew that was a good thing. I wanted to get bigger because that meant that my baby was growing and that I would have a healthy baby. However, unfortunately there was still that shallow part of me. I'd always been known for my beauty from my peers, even at the age of eleven people had been envious of my good looks and my nice body. I was still quite beautiful, and I had that pregnancy glow, but I was losing my nice body. I felt terrible to think that way, and it wasn't something I was going to tell my baby about, but it was on my mind.

Whenever I saw Ashley, who had one of the best bodies in our year, I couldn't help but feel even more envious. She wasn't a beauty, but she had a body that most of the girls in our year wanted. I'd heard even Timmy's young girl friends comment on it. Tracy (who actually had a pretty body) was the most jealous of all.

"She has curves in the right places, her boobs are nice and perky and even her arse is perfect," Tracy had complained to Sally-Anne. "I hope when I'm her age I'll look like that. We should start working out too."

"Working out won't give you boobs," Sally-Anne had replied.

She was right about that, and that was one thing I'd always been jealous of Ashley about. I'd always been close to being flat. Now with being pregnant, they had grown quite a bit. Keith had always been happy with my body, and he had never complained about my breast size but I knew he was happy with the growth. He played with them a lot more than he used to.

As my party approached, this was all on my mind. I wanted to get a new bathing suit for the party, but for the first time in years, I was focused on one pieces. My belly was just sticking out a bit, and I was so small that it would be noticeable in a bikini. My body type was the kind that any weight gain, even a little bit, didn't go unnoticed. I was planning to announce it (Keith was okay with it) at the party, but I knew people would be looking at me to see any signs of weight gain. If I could hide it for a little while, I would. I'd heard that black was slimming, so I chose a cute little black one piece.

"You're being ridiculous," mum told me. "You can't notice any weight gain, but you shouldn't be hiding it anyway. You're going to get to a point when you can't hide it. You're going to be one of those girls who look like she has a quaffle hidden under her robes. It's going to be obvious that you're pregnant."

"I know, but for now I want to hide it," I said. "Everyone is going to know at the pool party anyway, and I know some of the girls will be looking to see if I have gained weight yet. I have already mum. Most of my clothes are tight, and my cut off shorts won't even button mum. I know I am going to keep growing, but for this party, I want to hide it. After this party, I am not going to worry about it anymore."

"You shouldn't be now," mum told me. "I should have said this to you years ago, but I didn't. I think considering the circumstances now, I will. You will not see more than half the people in your year very much, if ever once you leave. You may run into them once and a while, but it will not be the same as it is now. The only people who matter in your life, such as your friends for example will be the ones you'll still talk to. Their opinions are the ones you should worry about. You even said yourself that you're about to find out who your true friends are. You don't realize just how right you are. Girls are very brutal with teenaged mothers, and I am willing to bet those girls who will judge you know about your past."

"But I still have to go to school with for at least five months," I said. "If we stick with February for the time line, that will be five months of people making their comments."

"And you shouldn't care about them," mum said. "You should start developing that attitude now Ellen. Ten years from now, those people won't matter to you anymore. I know at your age it's hard, but it's the truth. I wish so much I would have listened to that advice when mum said it to me. Girls were very rude to me because of my beauty. They hated me for being one of the prettiest in the year, and I was with your father. There were many times I'd spend the holidays in tears over it. Mum would tell me that their opinions didn't matter, but I didn't take her seriously. I haven't seen or heard from any of those girls since the summer after my seventh year. I only talk to the people who I hung out with back then."

"I know you're right mum," I said. "I do tell myself that, and I've even told Ashley and Michael that, but it's hard to actually follow that advice. When I know I still have to see them everyday for about five months, it's not easy at all."

"I know it's not dear," mum replied. "Believe me, I do get it and I think now is the time to start telling Timmy the same thing. He is confident, but I know his height used to bother him, and I don't want him too insecure. Unfortunately, he just turned twelve, so he'll go through his own insecurities. As for you, you're a mother to be, and the last thing you should be worried about is what your peers think. It's why I'm not so sure about you returning to school. You have enough to stress about."

"I promise if things get to be too much I'll come home," I said. "The last thing I want to do is jepardize the health of my baby. To be honest, I get the feeling my friends will be looking out for me as much as possible, even the other Hufflepuff's. It's kind of like an unspoken pact. Ever since the second year, we've all looked out for each other. I'm lucky to be in such a good year when it comes to that."

"And they're the ones that you know are your true friends," mum said to me. "Just keep in mind what I said when it gets to be too much."

"I already do," I replied. "It's something I've been thinking about ever since I found out about the baby. I've even told that to my baby in the diary that I am writing to her or him. It's just something I might not always remember."

"I also have one more piece of advice for you, and then I'll let you go," mum continued.

"What else can you tell me?" I asked her. "Don't take the people at Hogwarts seriously, and don't get too stressed. It's easier said then done. I'll come home if I have to. I just really want to see at least my Hufflepuff friends for a few months. After this year we won't see each other everyday anymore. I'm going to really miss them."

"It's not about that," mum replied quickly. "I know you still have your jealousy of Ashley. You have this rivalry with her that she doesn't even know about. You need to get over it now. As I said earlier, you are a mum to be, so you shouldn't be jealous of your friend. I know you're jealous that she was made Head Girl, even if you're happy for her. I know you're also jealous that she gets to travel next year while you'll be here with a baby. I know you're jealous that she will be thinner than you and that-"

"How do you know all this?" I interrupted her. "I've never even really told Keith some of that stuff and I tell him almost everything. He doesn't know about my jealousy when it comes to her perfect body or how she has found herself. She used to be so insecure and now she is quite confident except how her face looks. You're right about everything else, but I haven't really told anyone. Did you pull a Tracy and ready my diary or something?"

What if mum had read my diary? I had a feeling if I got angry with her about it, she would likely tell me that I was still under her roof even if I was a few days away from being seventeen and I was a mum to be. I didn't want anyone reading it. I didn't want Timmy, mum, Ashley, Keith and especially not Tracy reading my private thoughts. Sure Keith knew basically everything, but my diary was still my own private thoughts. If I chose to share it with him, mum or Ashley, that was my choice. Them reading it in my diary was something else altogether.

As I thought about all that, it reminded me that I still needed to talk to Tracy. As much I hated her, I wanted her and me to sit down together woman to woman to discuss what she'd read. Timmy had assured me that she wouldn't tell anyone, but I still wanted to talk to her anyway and on my own.

"No," mum said interrupting my thoughts. "You are just very obvious, at least to me because we are so much alike. I used to be so jealous of Lenora. I had the same thoughts about her that you tend to about Ashley. Lenora isn't unfortunate looking but I was the prettier of us two. It bothered me so much when boys liked her more or when the boy chose her over me. I see so much of myself in you, and it's how I know that you have this rivalry with her even though she doesn't know it."

"Wait, you and Lenora liked the same boy?" I asked ignoring the rest she'd told me.

My mum's friend was my unofficial aunt. I hadn't really seen her in years, but it was because she was so busy with a brood of her own kids now. In my early childhood, I had seen her quite a bit but around the time she had Timmy, mum and her only got together a few times a month, and then it changed as she started having her own kids. I was lucky if I saw her once every few months. It had actually been the summer before fourth year when I'd last seen her and I hadn't even talked to her. I had only seen her in passing.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked and I folded my arms. "This could have helped me with the Ben situation."

"Because I wasn't in love with the boy as much as you thought you were with Ben. It was our third year and we both had a crush on him. We both wanted him to take us to Hogsmade so much. He ended up taking Lenora for the Christmas one. I was so angry and I didn't think he actually liked her. I believed he was doing it just to make me jealous. I wasn't willing to believe that he truly liked her, and that there was more to it than just our looks. That's similar to your situation with Ben and Ashley," mum said. "I didn't tell you about Lenora but I did try guide you when it came to Ben. Maybe I should have told you, even if my feelings weren't as deep as yours had been. Perhaps you would have realized sooner. I was over this boy by Valentines Day. A fifth year boy had asked me to the Hogsmeade visit and so I lost interest."

Mum didn't often tell me about her years at school or about her dates. I knew dad was a year ahead of her at Hogwarts and apparently they hadn't been in love with each other like they'd thought. I wanted to know when they'd started to date. Mum had said that she'd had to have him and he'd wanted her. They'd been in different years and different houses. So when had they actually dated?

"So when did you fall for dad?" I asked hoping that I wasn't crossing some line.

"My fifth year," mum answered. "He was tutoring some of the fifth years with their OWLs. He took very few classes for his NEWT years since he was working in Muggle relations. So he had time, and he wanted to help the fifth years out. He'd just done it the year before, so he understood. My Hufflepuff friends and me decided to sign up when he put up the notice. We figured we'd need all the help we could get. I wanted him the moment I set my eyes on him, and he felt the same way about me. After a while, we started to have private tutor sessions, and by the end of my fifth year, we were together. We stayed together even with him out of school. When I finished school, he proposed. We were engaged for a couple of years and then we married. I got pregnant with you shortly after our wedding and the rest you know."

"Except it didn't turn out to be happily ever after," I said and then I hesitated before I continued. "What if twelve years down the road the same happens with Keith and me?"

"I don't think it will. If you were with Ben, I think that would have happened. Your relationship would have been based on lust and not love. It would have just been a physical relationship and nothing else. You and Keith have a deeper connection. I didn't have that with your father and we were together a lot longer by the time he proposed. Keith stepped up automatically with the baby. I don't think your dad would have. Eventually he might have come around, but he wouldn't have been so supportive. Keith supported you the second he found out. Your father would have yelled at me and he would have blamed me. I believe you and Keith will grow old together and someday you'll have a great great grandchild in your arms," mum answered.

"And Ashley and Ben?" I couldn't help but ask.

"They'll be the same," mum replied. "They'll have a big Hoofer family, Ben will be an overprotective father of his daughters, even when they're married. It should be interesting because I imagine any daughters that they have will be the same as Ashley."

"Except with the Hoofer temper," I said with amusement.

"I never really thought that Ben has much of a temper," mum replied.

"Well it's not like he does a lot, but when he does, it can be explosive. I mean literally. I made him so angry last summer that he blew up several of his mum's figurines. With Ben, he kind of broods and then he goes mad. Ashley also gets defensive and angry too. So I get the feeling their kids will be interesting, especially if they have daughters," I replied.

"I have to wonder the same about your own son or daughter," mum said with amusement. "You have a fury temper too my dear. If your daughter inherits our competitive edge, it will be an interesting combination. It will be even worse if you have a son."

"But Keith has a good temper," I said. "I think that will help them simmer down a bit. When he gets angry, he doesn't react like most people I know. He basically just has his say and then he calms down. So I am hoping that will tone down my temper. She probably will be competitive though, well, unless she is shy like Keith. I might have a quiet and shy son or daughter."

"I actually hope you do," mum said. "Raising teens isn't fun, believe me. I have two of my own, so I know. It wasn't exactly easy raising a teenaged Ellen."

I smiled at her. "I don't imagine it would have been," I replied and then laughed.

That very thought actually scared me though. What if I had a daughter and she was exactly like me? What if she came home at sixteen or seventeen to tell me that she was pregnant.? I really hoped it wouldn't happen, but if it did, I'd be as supportive of her as my own mother was being right now.

On the morning of my seventeenth birthday, I woke up feeling excited. I was finally of age. The first thing I did was grab my wand and then summon my message parchment over to the bed, and then a pen. Mum had continued to let me do magic for homework purposes only. Now I could do it whenever I wanted. Soon I'd be going for my apparition test, and I'd be able to get around on my own.

When a witch or wizard came of age, they were always showered with gifts. I knew it seemed materialistic, but I was truly looking forward to seeing what my friends and family would give me. My friends would give me their gifts at Ben's party, but I was sure that in the living-room, there was a pile of gifts waiting for me. Surely mum and Timmy had woken up early to prepare breakfast for me. They usually did, and this was a special birthday.

I checked my parchment and saw that there were many birthday messages. It took forever to get through them all. Even all of Timmy's friends messaged me, including Tracy. I didn't know how she'd gotten my number, and her message was actually polite. Alana, Rory and Derek all messaged me as well. Even some kids that I talked to sometimes at school did. I just wondered how a lot of these people knew my number. I didn't share it with many people. Even Stan wished me a happy birthday.

The only person who didn't send me a message was my father, and I had to admit that I was very disappointed. I'd been so angry with for years. He'd ignored me for the most part except for a few messages here or there. He had told me off when he'd found out about my pregnancy, but this was the most important birthday I would have. How could he just blow me off? Had he written me off as his daughter just because I got pregnant at sixteen?

I wasn't going to cry though. I didn't want anything to bother me on my special day. So I messaged the most important people back. The others I would likely see at the party, so I could thank them then. Afterwards, I quickly climbed out of bed and rushed out of the room. I went into the bathroom to freshen up, and then went into the living-room.

"It's about time," Timmy said. "How can you sleep in on your seventeenth birthday? I'd be awake at five in the morning!"

"Why what time is it?" I asked as I walked over to them.

On our table, mum and Timmy had some plates of pancakes ready. They were in a shape of a one and seven. By the table was a pile of gifts waiting for me.

"It's only nine. You didn't sleep that late. Happy birthday sweetheart," mum said.

"Happy birthday!" Timmy said excitedly. "Now lets eat and then we can see what you got for your birthday."

I rolled my eyes.

"You can still act like a six year old sometimes, you know that?" I asked him.

"I don't care," Timmy said. "I don't know how you're not excited. You're of age!"

"I am excited, trust me. The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was do magic," I told him.

"And then we have the party later," Timmy said.

The morning ended up being a really good one at first. My family certainly spoiled me, and what pleased me was that most of the gifts were for me and my new baby. All of my family members knew about the baby now. Even my faternal grandparents sent me gifts. They sent me a gift basket full of baby clothes, baby toys, and a nice maternity dress. There was a long letter congratulating me and telling me that they were proud of me, even as a teen mum. They told me that they wanted to be part of my life and my babies, and that my dad would come around soon. They apologized for his behaviour and ignorance for the past few years.

I showed the letter to my mum.

"Do you think they are serious?" I asked her. "They haven't exactly contacted Timmy and me the last few years. We used to see them for Christmases and we haven't for so long. They used to take us for weekends in the summers and it's been a long time. I have felt like they have ignored us like dad has."

"I even forget what they look like," Timmy chimed in. "They still send the birthday card every year, but that's it."

"Exactly," I answered. "A birthday card with a galleon in it."

"It's complicated dear. I don't believe it's because they haven't wanted to see the two of you. It's because of your father and me. Perhaps they thought that they couldn't contact me. Just as the divorce wasn't your fault, this isn't either. Adults unfortunately sometimes punish the children when they are angry with each other," mum answered.

"So basically they didn't want to come see us because they'd have to talk to you," Timmy replied.

"In a nutshell, yes," mum answered. "I think they're angry with me because of the divorce, but they were never fond of me in the first place."

"Well if they cared about us at all, they would ignore all of that and still see us," Timmy said.

"Yes I know," mum said. "From the sound of that letter, I think they are also disappointed in your father as well. Likely they haven't been talking to him much either. They always used to ignore him when he did things they weren't happy with. Given the fact that he has that woman and her kids, they probably ignore him even more."

"Maybe they approve of them because their muggles," I said and mum shook her head.

"They never had a problem with the magic. In fact, they were very happy about it. They also would be very disappointed in him for turning his back on his family. They wouldn't like that it seems as if he has replaced you two with two new children," mum said.

"I guess that's where dad learned it from," Timmy said. "They ignore him when he does bad things... except we weren't bad. He's just ignored us just to ignore us."

"To punish me. I know it seems as if it's about the two of you, but it's not," mum sighed.

I glanced at the brand new watch mum had given me. It was ten-thirty now. The party was supposed to start at noon, but I was planning to arrive a little bit later than everyone else. I wanted all of the guests to be there before I arrived. That was usually how surprise parties went. I wanted to make an entrance and then make my announcement. I could tell everyone about the baby early in the party to get it over with, and then just spend the day enjoying myself.

There was a loud knock on the door as I looked at my watch.

"Go see who that is Timmy," mum said. "It could be your grandparents. They said they might stop in this morning before we go to the party. They weren't sure."

"Okay," Timmy said eagerly.

Unfortunately, it wasn't my grandparents. Timmy hurried to open the door while mum and I began to clear up the presents and the wrapping paper.

"What are you doing here?" We heard Timmy ask.

Mum and I looked up. The moment when I saw who it was, I felt rage. I jumped up and then mum joined me. Standing at our front door was my father. It had been so long since I'd last seen him, and I thought he looked a lot older. He was only forty, but he looked much older than that. Perhaps the last few years hadn't been so easy on him.

"I'm here to see Ellen. It's her birthday," dad said to him.

"We don't want you here," Timmy said.

"Watch your tone young man," dad snapped at him.

"Why? You've ignored me for years. Why should I show you any respect?" Timmy asked him. "The last time I saw you I was a little boy. I'm about to start my second year at Hogwarts and you don't care. I am the same age Ellen was when you left. Now she is seventeen and you're pretending that you care."

"You're right," dad said. "I should have been there more. If I had been, Ellen might not have ended up pregnant."

"Get out!" Timmy said to him furiously.

"Timmy!" Mum called. "Come sit on the couch honey. Let me talk to your father."

Timmy slammed the door, and then stalked over to the couch, and then sat down with his arms folded. He glared at dad. Mum and I walked over to dad. I think mum was hoping to have a civil conversation with him, but unfortunately it didn't go down that way. What was supposed to be a good day turned into a bad one. Mum and dad started to fight right away. I tried my best to reason with dad because this was my fault after all, but he wouldn't let me. He just kept trying to put the blame on mum.

Timmy approached to try and get involved after a while, but I shooed him away.

"Timmy, go get dressed for the party," I said. "We'll try and get him out of here."

"Fine, but if he doesn't stop soon then I want to say something," he said.

"Well good luck because I haven't been able to so far," I told him.

Timmy left the room to get dressed. I didn't want him involved in this at all. This after all was mostly my fault. Sure it was mum and dads too because they were fighting, but dad wouldn't have made that comment if I weren't pregnant. So I had to be involved. Timmy was innocent in it all though.

The three of us stood there yelling at each other. Finally, I was able to get a word in.

"Look, I don't care anymore!" I finally shouted. I made dad see me so he could finally listen to me. "As soon as I can apparate on my own, I am going to your place and I am getting the rest of my stuff. You have that little girl living there now and using my stuff. I don't want her using my stuff. I'm not visiting you and neither is my baby if you're going to put those muggles first!"

"They're gone," dad answered me in a softer voice now. "She found out about the magic and she and the kids moved out."

It was hard to see if this bothered him or not. Dad had always been good at hiding his emotions. He remained expressionless when he said this. I was glad she'd left him though. He didn't deserve anyone. I hoped he didn't think he could be a father to us now. Especially after his reaction to my pregnancy.

"And so now you want to be a part of our lives again?" I asked him.

"I've made mistakes, and I regret it. Your pregnancy made me realize it," he said in an even lower voice.

"And yet you come over here and start taking it out on mum," I retorted. "You can't blame my mistakes on mum. I'm old enough to know better, and I should have been more careful with Keith. I'm the one who forgot to take the birth control potion."

"Look you're right Ellen," dad said and now he showed guilt as he glanced at mum.

Perhaps it was him that I got my temper from. Often I got angry without thinking, and it seemed he did the same. I hated to admit that I could have something from him, but it made sense. He actually looked as if he was ashamed of himself. If he was showing his emotions now, it meant that he actually did feel guilty and ashamed.

I wasn't sure what to say to that, but I didn't get the chance to. Suddenly, Ashley appeared at my side. I glanced at her in surprise. Where had she come from? I hadn't heard her apparate in. She was good at it, but she was still new at it, so she still made a loud crack when she disapparated or appeared.

"Look you're right Ellen," her father said.

"Oh hi," I said. "When did you get here?"

"About five minutes ago," she answered. "Look, I couldn't help but overhear but I'm just going to take Timmy over to Ben's place."

I sighed before I glanced over at Timmy. For once, I was actually glad that he was invited to a party. It would take his mind off all this. He looked very vulnerable, just as he had at six or seven when they fought. We'd been fighting for a long time, and he'd had to sit there and watch. I felt terrible for him. I glanced back at mum and dad. Dad actually looked even more ashamed, and mum looked sad.

"If you could please dear," mum said to her. "I'll bring Ellen over in a bit. We're almost done here. I know you lot have a big party for her."

Timmy got up from the couch and rushed over to Ashley. He grabbed a hold of her hand. I was going to have to apologize to him for this.

"Mum and I will be there soon," I said to Ashley before I looked at Timmy. "I'm sorry Timmy."

"I am too, I'll see you later," dad said.

Timmy just glared at him. "Can we go now Ashley? Bye mum, bye Ellen, see you soon."

Ashley gave us a nod and then she turned on the spot. With a loud crack, the two of them disappeared.

"Once again we've fought in front of him," dad said once they were gone. "This is my fault."

"It's not all your fault," mum said. "We both should have discussed this in a different room, or sent him to his room."

"He would have just listened," I said. "We should have just talked it over like the adults that we are."

"You're right," dad said again. "Look Ellen, I see that you have a party to get to. So I won't hold you up any longer. I do want to see you tomorrow if you're around."

"I am getting my apparition lesson tomorrow," I told him.

"Then afterwards. Christ, I didn't realize how much you've grown up until I saw Ashley disapparate. I knew you were seventeen but with all these years of not seeing you, I missed it all. I know you won't believe it Ellen, but I am very sorry. I want to make up for the lost years, especially now with you being pregnant. Whether you want me to or not, I am going to support you through this pregnancy. I want to try and make it up to you for ignoring you for so long. I'll hire tutors for you if I have to, and even though you want to come over, I am setting up your old room as a room for the baby."

"I'll let you know if I want to see you tomorrow," I said. "But you need to make up to Timmy as well. You're on probation dad. I am going to talk to you because Timmy needs a father in his life. If I talk to you, I know he will. I am going to make a good example for him. As for the baby, if you're serious, I will let you see him or her, but if you ever hurt my baby the way you did us, I will never let you see him again. This is your last chance dad. So if you're serious, you'd better start now."

"And I will," dad said seriously. "Look I overreacted to the news of your pregnancy. I've been regretting it everyday and I was out of line today. I have a bad temper. I wasn't planning on throwing that in your face or your mothers. As usual though, my temper got the best of me. It was something Leanne hated as well. She recommended that I get anger management before we split up, and so I plan to. When I found out that you were pregnant, Leanne had just left me. She saw the magic and she packed up the kids and left. She basically thought that she'd been with a lunatic. And perhaps she had been."

"I wouldn't go that far," mum said. "I agree that you need to learn to control your anger. You've been angry since we went into hiding. You need to address the issues you developed from that. I don't think you ever came to terms with You-Know-Who and the fear we felt. You basically felt as if magic had betrayed you, and you turned your back on it and your children."

Dad nodded. "I know. I owe you an apology as well. Even though we are divorced, I should have treated you better. You may not believe it, but I do think you've done well for the last five years. You raised Timmy and Ellen without my help, and they have both turned into fine people. Timmy is only twelve, but I can see he is quite the young man already. He was ready to stand up for the two of you when I entered. That shows he is good man to protect his family and the women in his life. He was ready to fight me. It shows he is a brave boy to stand up to his own father. And I can't take credit for how well he's turned out. Only you can. And even if Ellen made a mistake, I can see that she is also ready to rectify it by trying to be a good mother as well. I can't take credit for that either."

"I raised them for the last five years basically, but you do have some credit in it," mum told him.

"I learned not to ignore my child from you," I said.

"And I am glad. I do promise I'll try to do everything I can for you and Timmy from now on," dad said. "I know it's hard for you to believe because of my ignorance for the last few years, but I do love you both."

"Well then I think when we have more time, the three of us should sit down together and talk about all of this," mum said. "Right now, Ellen has a birthday party to get to. So we'll have to arrange another day."

"We'll keep in touch then, but I would like to see both Ellen and Timmy before they go back to Hogwarts," dad said and then he reached over to touch my shoulder. "Write to me tonight about tomorrow, Ellen. I'll get going so that you can go to your party."

I nodded. I wasn't sure if I would see him the next day or not. I did know that Timmy needed a father though. I didn't want him to feel the way I had at his age. I believed dad was actually sincere about this. He knew that if he blew it again, we would never talk to him again, and he wouldn't ever see his grandchild. Perhaps that muggle woman leaving him was his wake-up call.

As much as I hated to compare myself to him, we did have many similarities. I'd let myself basically hit rock bottom before I'd had my wake up call. I'd let things keep happening, and I ignored any advice my friends or family was willing to give. Dad was the same way. I too also ignored people when I was angry with them. Timmy did look up to me a lot, and so if I ignored dad, he would do it too. So it was me who would have to make the first step. I knew even if dad did stick to his promise, I would have some resentment for him still. I didn't know if that would ever go away.

"We'll be in contact," dad added to mum.

Before either of us could say anything, he turned on the spot and disapparated. Mum and I stared at each other.

"Are you sure about this?" Mum finally asked.

"It's his final chance," I replied. "If he betrays either of us again, we're done. He can't hurt me anymore than he has. I'm mainly doing it for Timmy though. He does need a father, especially now that he is twelve. He's starting to hit puberty. He's already grown inches in the last year. So if he can have a relationship with dad, it will be a good thing. He'll need someone to talk to. Besides, I don't want him to feel the way I did. I'm responsible for my own actions, but I feel like if dad had been there more, I might not have gotten into trouble so much. I just felt so insecure because my own father didn't want me. Timmy doesn't need to go through that anymore than he has."

"You truly are growing up," mum said to me. "Go on and get ready for the party and then I'll take you over."

The party ended up being a really good one. I managed to make my grand entrance as I'd planned, and then I announced to everyone my pregnancy. Everyone who didn't know about my pregnancy stared at me in shock. The patio and pool was full of noisy teenagers, but the moment I said it, it was very quiet. You could have heard a pin drop.

"You're joking right?" Tara asked finally breaking the silence. She was in the pool.

"No I'm not," I responded. "I found out a few weeks ago that I was. It was quite a shock I'll admit, but we've adjusted," and then I smiled at Keith. "And I'll probably have the baby in March."

"But Ellen, you're so young," Anne spoke up. "You're not even going to finish the year with us. Are you even going back to school?"

I could see that many of the Hufflepuff girls looked disappointed.

"I'm going back until a few weeks before my due date," I told her. "I can probably stay until the end of February or the beginning of March. Mum has already written to Professor Sprout about it. She said they can send me school work once I go off so I that I'm prepared for my NEWTs. Everything is going to be fine. I just wanted everyone to know because you're going to see me getting bigger soon enough. So now you all know, and you can continue with the party!"

And then I grinned over at Ashley and Ben who were standing together. I walked over to them. It was hard to tell what they were thinking. Ashley looked a bit worried, and Ben had his eyebrows raised. I'd told them that I was going to do this, but I was sure they'd thought I wouldn't go through with it.

"Well at least they'll have something to talk about," I said when I reached them. "You can see just how much their judging me now."

"And you're okay with that?" Ben asked me.

I thought about what mum had said to me.

"I'm not going to see most of these people after seven months or so," I told him. "They'll gossip for a while and then move on eventually. The only people's opinions I care about are you guys, and my families. I mean, maybe even the Hufflepuff's and I know they'll come around eventually. Do you think I care about what those Ravenclaw girls think?"

I nodded at Tara, Natalie and Lydia who were all staring at us. The three girls had smirks on their faces. This would be when I'd find out if they truly liked me or not. I would find out if Tara had been my friend these last few months or if she'd just been friendly to make a truce. I would know who not to talk to after February after today.

"But they might make those months of your life miserable," Ashley said.

Ellen shrugged. "I have more to worry about then what a bunch of fake people think of me," I said. "I mean, Tara has been nice to me lately but she was never sincere. As soon as she sees something to gossip about, she latches onto it. I mean, she's been nice to you lately Ashley but if you were in my position she'd be gossiping about you too."

"Oh I know," Ashley replied. "I've seen her turn on Lydia and Natalie. I just don't want you to be too stressed out from everything."

"I'll be fine," I told her, but I wasn't sure how true that was. For now I felt confident, but could I really deal with it? "Believe me, I already thought over the pros and cons of everything before this party. I already knew what I was getting myself into when I told everyone. They'll gossip a lot during the first few months of school, and they'll probably make comments but you know Hogwarts. It dies down eventually and then soon enough I'll be off. Most people are going to be too worried about their exams now anyway. Don't worry about me."

I was reassuring myself as much as I reassuring Ben and Ashley. Ashley smiled at me.

"And I'll have the power to put anyone in detention who does bother you too much," she said.

That was true. There would be some benefits to having a prefect friend and a Head friend. They could actually put people in detention for that. I hadn't been so sure at first, especially with Ben, but he'd never gotten too prefecty on me. I knew Ashley would take her duties seriously and before I'd found out about my pregnancy, I did worry she'd change on me. However, I didn't plan to slack off that year anyway. I couldn't afford to.

Ashley's comment seemed to remind Ben that they didn't know who Ashley's fellow head was.

"We should find out who the Head Boy is," Ben said turning to her.

"Let's go," Ashley said to him before turning back to me. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am just going to enjoy my party," I said. "You two go on."

The moment they turned to leave, Keith was at my side again.

"I'm worried that this wasn't a good idea," he said to me as he looked around at people. It was loud again, and plenty of people were staring at us while they talked.

"They were going to find out eventually," I said. "I wanted them to know on my terms and not when I have a belly."

"I know, but I just don't want them to ruin your special day either," Keith said.

It turned out that Keith really didn't have to worry about that. Either people wanted to be nice for my party, or maybe they just didn't care that much. Either way, they were all very nice to me. Even Tara, Lydia and Natalie weren't rude to me about it. A few people even seemed to think that I shouldn't be walking around. They seemed to think I should just sit down and relax. Mum had warned me that people often treated pregnant women this way.

"You can't even tell that you're pregnant," Tara said as she gave me a once over later that day. "You're going to be one of those women who are all belly though."

"That's what a lot of people have said," I responded. "So no rude comments for being a teen mum?"

I couldn't help but add that. I'd seen her smirking at me with Lydia and Natalie earlier after all. I added this as well. Tara smiled at me and then sighed.

"I don't think it's funny that you're pregnant, and I will not be bothering you this year about it Ellen. Aaron and me haven't always been careful, and I've forgotten the potion a couple of times. I did that when we were preparing for OWLs. It's just that you used to say that Lydia would end up pregnant because she slept around a lot. So that's why we were smirking. You'd react the same way if it were one of us," Tara said.

I couldn't deny that. If it had been one of them who'd announced it, Ashley and me would be the ones smirking about it. I probably would gossip about them too.

"You're right," I said.

"But I have to ask Ellen, are you sure you want to go back to school? I think with a few exceptions that most of the seventh years will be on your side, but the other years won't be. You know how catty girls can be too. Their going to bother you once you do start to show. Not only that, but there will be all that underage magic and all the steps in the school," Tara said. "It's going to be hard."

"I know. I've discussed this with mum, Keith's parents and even Keith. If it does get to be too much for me, I am going to go home. For now though, I need to get an education for my baby," I told her.

Tara nodded. "I understand. I'd probably be going back too if I were you. Anyway, I don't think you'll be the only topic of discussion, especially with the seventh years. I think most people will be on your side. I think it's going to be Melanie who will be the one the seventh years gossip about the most and even turn on."

"Why?" I asked. "What did she do now?"

Even though it had been a long time since she'd done anything, I couldn't help but ask that. I wasn't honestly that surprised she'd done something stupid. I glanced over at her. She was sitting with some bloke who wasn't Jared. She was all over him and she was wearing a very revealing blue polka dot bikini. It was one that I'd never even dared to wear. It showed so much, especially when she moved. It almost reminded me of a muggle song my mum used to play for me when I was little. Melanie didn't seem to be shy though.

"She cheated on Jared with that Charlie bloke," Tara told me. "People are very angry with her. She's been going on for the last year about how we should be united, and now she's turned back into her old bitchy self. So everyone is angry with how fake she'd been. It isn't just that, but because she cheated on Jared. Everyone likes him for the most part, and they can't believe she would do that to him. Most people hate a cheater, but they hate them even more when it happens to someone we like."

"I can't believe she would do that!" I said now I felt angry as well.

Jared wasn't innocent. He had left plenty of girls including me feeling heartbroken, but he had never cheated. He'd always broken up with the girl first, or if it was just casual, he was very upfront about it.

"I'm not. She's cheated on her other boyfriends, even Ben you know. That's ironic considering how obsessed she was with him. Plus, I always knew she was a fake. I've been waiting for something like this to happen," Tara said.

I'd never known this about Ben. How did she know about that?

"What do you mean she cheated on Ben? They were thirteen and they weren't together that long," I said. "How do you know that? Why didn't you ever tell Ben?"

"Because I only found out today," Tara said. "She tells Lydia everything. She tells her things that she never told Sarah. Lydia was the one who told me about it. I guess she was snogging some third year when Ben wasn't hanging out with her."

"This is just too much," I said as I shook my head. "She broke up Ashley and Ben and yet she was cheating on him! She was all worried about him doing it to her!"

"Have you ever heard of someone projecting their insecurities on other people? That's Melanie. She was worried Ben would do it with Ashley because she was cheating. At least that's the only explanation I can come up with," Tara answered. "Anyway, while your pregnancy is a shock, I get the feeling that Melanie will take the heat off of you. I get the feeling that girls are going to be worried about getting pregnant themselves, and so they'll take precautions. I know I will be. Aaron and me are careless, but that stops after today."

"I never thought of you as someone who would be careless," I said to Tara. "But I believed the same thing about Ben and Ashley."

"Sometimes common sense goes out the window in the heat of a moment," Tara answered. "And sometimes I am so much into schoolwork that I forget important things. This year, I won't let that happen. It happens to the best of Ellen. And I honestly believe you'll make a good mother."

"Everyone keeps saying that," I said. "I feel like everyone is rewarding me or complimenting me for being a teen mother. I mean at first Timmy was angry with me, and even my father told me off for it. But now he wants to be in my life, and Timmy is excited to be an uncle. It's not that I want people to tease me or get angry, but I just don't understand why people are being so supportive. No one knows if I will be a good mum or not. It's not as if I've been the nicest to the younger students, especially my brother. I haven't been the most responsible other. I feel like there is a lot of pressure now. I'm not going to be the next Mrs. Hoofer or even like my mum."

Tara smiled at me. "I'm pretty sure no one is rewarding you Ellen, but they also know that the last thing you need is stress. You should have been more careful, but you weren't. And we all know you're going to step up and try to be a good mum. How you treat your brother or even some of the brats at Hogwarts is completely different with your own children. You don't have to try to live up to your mum or Ben's mother. You just have to do you your best, and we all know you will. When you're determined Ellen, you accomplish things quite well. As long as you love your baby and do your best with her, you'll be a good mum. And anyone who knows you knows that. That is why we say you'll make a good mum. Ellen, even if we hadn't become friendly with each other, I'd still think that. I just would never admit to it. Not everyone will feel that way though. At least you'll have plenty of prefects who'll put people in detention for you who do make fun of you."

"You will too?" I asked with surprise. "I know Ben and Ashley will, but I didn't think too many others would."

"I think you'll find that at least most of the seventh year prefects will," Tara replied. "And you'll find many people on your side."

It felt good knowing that I had many people on my side. Perhaps I would have peace when I went back to school after all. Everyone seemed so nice just that day. I did notice Melanie smirking at me, but I really didn't care what she thought. I never really had. Ever since second year, I had written her off and I'd just talked to her because everyone else had the year before. I'd heard she wanted to go to Beauxbatons anyway. The Tri-Wizard Tournament was running that year again. Most people actually had no desire to go because they wanted to finish at Hogwarts.

As the day went on, eventually I found myself alone with Tracy. I'd been wanting to talk to her all summer, but I hadn't had the chance. We were both in the kitchen. Most of the day, people had been trying to get me food or drinks but I was getting tired of that. I was grateful they wanted to help, but I wasn't helpless. I finally managed to escape Keith who was doing shots with some of the boys. I rushed inside to get a butterbeer (which thankfully was safe for pregnant women) and found myself face to face with Tracy.

The younger girl actually seemed nervous to be around be alone. Perhaps she was remembering when I had slapped her. I had hit her quite hard. My hand had hurt for about an hour afterwards. She didn't say a word to me but she eyed me up and down.

"I want to talk to you," I said to her. "So don't go anywhere. Come into the living-room with me."

"So you don't have any witnesses when you hit me? Or do you plan to hex me now?" Tracy asked.

"First of all, you know that I don't care if I have any witnesses and secondly I am not going to hex a twelve-year-old for no reason. I just want to talk to you, but I want some privacy," I said. "Anyone can walk in. I've been wanting to talk to you for a while."

"I'm not going to bother you about your pregnancy," Tracy said.

"Somehow I have my doubts about that," I replied. "Seriously, I just want to have a talk with you."

"Fine," Tracy said with a sigh. "But I do know that when there are overage witches and wizards around, it's hard to trace who cast a spell. So if you do something, I won't be afraid to hex you back. There are too many seventeen-year-olds around for them to know who did it."

"You're very paranoid," I said. "I only hit you because I was very angry with you. I am not taking you into the living-room to ambush you."

"You wouldn't be the first to do it," Tracy said.

I began walking to the living-room and she followed me. I walked straight over to the Hoofer's couch. I loved their living room. I had spent many happy moments in this house and this room. I hoped I would still come here often, even when I was all grown.

"What do you mean I wouldn't be the first to do it?" I asked as I sat down.

"Well other girls have told me they wanted to talk, and then they have waited until we've found a deserted corridor, and then they've hexed me," Tracy said to me.

"Shouldn't that tell you to stop teasing people then?" I asked her. "I'm not saying that justifies what those girls did, but I just think that would be a wake up call for you."

Tracy just shrugged. "I can handle them. So why did you want to talk to me, Ellen?"

"I want to talk about what you read in my diary," I said. "Timmy told me that you won't tell people, but I want to make sure you stick to that promise. You already told Stan things. I want to make sure you haven't told anyone else. I want to know how much you read."

"I didn't get the chance to read too much of it," Tracy said. "And I didn't read all of it. I didn't care about any of the stuff from your first or second year. I mainly just skimmed it, but the juicy stuff like when you cheated popped out. I also read about your little fling with Jared and Sam. Honestly, the only thing in there that I could really reveal is that you cheated. Everything else is either common knowledge or not surprising. I was surprised you'd cheat. I mean, I think most people aren't surprised that you'd go for Sam just because he is a Ben look-a-like. Also, most people know you've had a lot of sex. Maybe Ashley doesn't know, but ask anyone else, and they'll tell you. It seems it's just her you want to hide this stuff from anyway."

"And I don't want you telling her," I said.

Tracy shrugged. "I really don't care to. Look, I was angry with you, so I told Stan. I hadn't planned on telling anyone. Timmy is right. I shouldn't have read your diary, and I am sorry that I did. I mean it Ellen. I would hate it if someone read my diary. I was just angry with you because you called me ugly, and so I told Stan you cheated. I'm actually really insecure about my looks, especially with Sally-Anne and June around. Sometimes we hang out with Alana too. They're all so pretty, and you're beautiful and I just feel so plain compared to all of you. So I was upset when you called me ugly."

I think I was seeing some insight into Tracy. It didn't change my opinion on her, but it made me understand her better. I didn't know if I could ever like her or trust her. Ashley had been and was just as insecure about her looks. She had never gone out of her way to make other peoples lives miserable. People had been quite mean to her. I would take the whining over the stuff that Tracy pulled. Tracy was almost another Melanie.

"You kept calling me a slag," I said. "So I called you ugly. I'm sorry though. I remember being twelve and thirteen. They aren't easy ages. I was just trying to hurt you. Look, I'll do my best to be nice to you but if you keep giving me attitude, I won't be. I don't trust you at all, even after knowing this about you. I don't trust you're sincere either. You need to give me a reason to trust you. I don't like you."

"I don't like you either, but you're Timmy's sister," Tracy said. "And Timmy is my friend."

"And you're Timmy's friend for some reason, so I'll do my best too," I said. "Just don't tell anyone else what you read."

"I won't," she said. "Can I go back to the party now? I told everyone I'd bring them butterbeers. They're probably wondering what is taking so long."

"Go ahead," I said.

I didn't move but I watched her go. I wasn't going to admit it to anyone, even my own brother, but I thought there was some redemption for her. I thought about myself and then my dad. We'd had to hit rock bottom before we had a wake up call. I wondered if Tracy would have to be the same way. It had been that way with Michael too. I had a feeling things we're going to get worse with Timmy and his group when it came to her. I'd already warned Timmy several times, but I had a feeling him and me would have to have a talk when it came to her again.

I sighed and then stretched before standing up. I wished I didn't care so much about what my brother did. I had enough on my plate without worrying about him and his friends and yet I did. I supposed that was what being an older sister was all about. And perhaps that was why people believed I could be a good mother. I worried about my brother even if I didn't want to hang out with him. I'd feel the same way about my own child, except I would want to spend time with my child. But I would worry about who he or she hung out with.

I smiled and put my hands on my belly. It was something I did often. I really couldn't wait to hold my new baby in my arms.


	19. First and Final Term

First and final term.

Despite what I'd told everyone, I felt quite nervous as I boarded the train. This would be my very last year boarding the train at the beginning of the year. It was the same with all the seventh years, but I felt for me, it truly was an ending to my childhood. Although, a part of me felt excited that my child was boarding the train too. It was something I planned to write to him or her later about.

I did plan to tell the baby when he or she was older that they went to Hogwarts with me. I knew that would be an exciting story for them. I wasn't sure how old they'd be before I'd tell them that I'd been a teen mum, but it would before they went to Hogwarts themself.

"Are you okay?" Keith asked me after we levitated our trunks. "You're quiet."

"I'm just thinking about the fact that the baby gets to board the Hogwarts Express with one. We'll be able to tell him or her that they were on the train before their first year," I told him.

Michael who had joined us smiled. "I hadn't even thought of that. The baby is going to have a couple of terms at Hogwarts."

"And they'll be in Hufflepuff," Keith said. "I can't wait until we find out the gender. I hate referring to the baby as: He, she, it, they or even the baby."

"I feel the same way," I said. "It won't be until the Christmas holidays though."

For the first part of the train ride, it was just the three of us. A few people would stop in and say hi, but for the most part we were alone. Ben and Ashley were at the prefects meeting. I did wonder how Ashley was taking that. She would be very nervous about having to speak in front of a bunch of people as an authority figure. I mentioned this to Keith and Michael who both nodded.

"I do wonder if she'll do a good job," Michael said. "I mean, I know she has always looked after the younger kids, and she has gained confidence. It's just that I can't see her being able to tell people what to do. I can see her as being a pushover, especially with Ted as her fellow Head. That boy should not have been picked. He cares too much about school work and he's never been a good prefect. I don't know what they were thinking picking him."

"He was next in line after Ben and Aaron turned it down," Keith said. "Ashley was next in line after Tara turned it down and Nicole got kicked out. Claire and Sarah wouldn't have been considered. They're good as prefects, but they wouldn't have been good Head's."

"And Ashley would be?" I asked. "I am not saying she doesn't deserve it. I'm just saying that she is at the same level as Sarah or Claire or some of the other girls."

"True, but I think it's a test for Ashley as well. She wants to be a teacher, so they want to see how she handles a leadership role as well," Michael said. "And I just don't think she'll handle it will. She doesn't speak up about things. I can see her taking too much on and then having a break down."

"Or she might surprise us all," Keith said. "I don't think McGonagall or Sprout would choose her if they thought she'd fail."

"But they don't know her as well as we do," I said. "Michael and me have been her freinds since the beginning. We know what she is like. Ashley tries so hard to prove herself. She won't be the type to let the power go to her head, but she could be the type who tries too hard. I'm honestly happy for her, but it might have been mistake."

"And so we'll just have to look out for her," Michael said. "Or at least I plan to. She has looked out for me all these years, so now it's my turn. Ben will be too busy, and you two will be as well. So I am going to do whatever I can to help her."

"Just don't let her know that," Keith said with a smile. "You know how stubborn she is."

We couldn't say much more because Ben entered moments later. He didn't look very happy as he dragged his trunk and Ashley's trunk into the compartment. Effortlessly, he was able to levitate both of them into the luggage rack. He plopped down beside Michael.

"You don't look too happy," Michael observed. "Where is Ashley?"

"Stayed behind with Ted," Ben muttered.

We didn't have to ask why he was upset. It was obvious why. I saw Keith roll his eyes and then he stood up.

"I'm going to go find Dan. I'll be back in a bit. I told him I'd meet up with him after a bit. I might be able to convince him to come back here. I think he's with Nathan a few others though," he said.

"Go on," I said. "Nathan and the others can join us too."

"But they probably won't," Keith said. "They're too busy checking out girls. For some reason the first day of school seems to be a pick up day as well."

"I thought Nathan has a girlfriend," Michael said.

"Nathan is the Jared of Gryffindor, so who knows," Keith said with a smile. "I'll be back soon."

After he left, I wondered if I should say something to Ben about his jealousy. He looked moody, and the last thing I wanted was to have our last train ride to go badly. I just wanted us all to get along for the entire year. This year would have many lasts, as well as firsts.

Ben was getting a bit ridiculous with his jealousy though. He used to trust Ashley and he didn't care about her platonic relationships. However, recently he seemed to get jealous a lot and over silly things. The funny thing was, he didn't get jealous about her hanging out with Jared or Denver and they had history. It was always when she talked to a new bloke, or someone who might fancy her, like Ted for instance. Ashley would never go for Ted though. So Ben had nothing to worry about.

It took a while before she came, and Ben remained moody the entire time. He just gave one word answers. It was just mainly Michael and me talking.

"Hello," Ashley said happily when she entered the compartment.

"You took awhile," Ben said almost sounding accusatory. Michael and I glanced at him with surprise while Ashley took a seat beside him.

"Well we discussed everything," she told him and then she began telling us what we'd be doing that year.

Apparently there were a lot of activities planned for the seventh years. The Heads were in charge of them. They held contests and we could even do things against the teachers. There would be an award ceremony as well. It was just too bad it was at the end of the year. I wanted to be there for it.

"That's great!" I said excitedly. "I didn't know that seventh years did all of that! Too bad I can't be here for all of it though. I would love the awards ceremony."

"That won't take place until June anyway," Ben said kind of moodily. "You'll have had the baby by then. I'm sure they'll let you come back for it."

That actually was a good idea. I could apparate on my own. It just depended if mum could look after the baby for me. I didn't want to rely on her too much.

"What's wrong with you?" Ashley asked sensing Ben's bad mood right away.

"I just wish that it wasn't Ted who was our Head Boy," he said. "You two will be spending a lot of time together alone."

"You know, you could have had that if you hadn't turned it down," Michael said and Ben shot him a glare.

"I don't get where the jealousy is coming from Ben," Ashley said.

"Ted has wanted you for years," Ben answered.

"So?" Ashley asked. "You should be able to trust me. Tara wanted you for years, and I never got jealous of all the time you spent alone with her. The two of you are alone together a lot for prefect duties and your study sessions. You probably will be this year too. I've always trusted you."

"Seriously?" Ben asked her. "No, you haven't. You've always believed that I can do better than you."

I sighed. Of course they were fighting. It was too much to ask for to have a drama free year apparently. I just wanted us to all get along. I'd be done Hogwarts soon.

"Look, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Ted. I don't have feelings for him at all. I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of this," Ashley said. "You're the one that I want to be with. Why are you getting all upset over this? You don't even get like this when I hang out with Denver, and we actually have a history together."

"Everyone knows that Lily and James got together when they were working together as Head Girl and Boy," Ben muttered.

I almost laughed, but I stopped myself. I thought Michael looked amused as well. It was such a silly thing to worry about.

"And how many times have the Head Boy and Girl actually gotten together? Barry and Hermione worked together and they didn't end up together. Brenda didn't end up with… well whoever the Head Boy was at the time, and neither did Breanne for that matter. How many people do we actually know who got together? It could have been you and Tara working together you know. If I brought it up to you, you'd tell me that I am being ridiculous for even thinking it. In fact, you told Tara yourself years ago that she was stupid for thinking that! Remember that?" Ashley said furiously. "Ben, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Ted and me."

Now that I could see my friend getting angry, I felt the need to say something. I really didn't want them to fight, and perhaps Ben would see it from her point of view if we stepped in.

"Ben, why are getting all uptight about this?" I asked. "You should know by now that you have nothing to worry about."

"You're getting jealous over nothing mate," Michael added.

"You are," Ashley agreed. "I'm only ever going to talk to Ted when we have our meetings, and I doubt we'll be alone that much. Most of the time the prefects are involved with the meetings."

"I know I'm overreacting, but you didn't see the way Ted was looking at you during our meeting. I wasn't too happy when I found out that he was Head Boy, but then during the meeting he kept staring at you," Ben told her.

"Well he's just going to have to get over it if he does like me," Ashley answered. "I'm kind of surprised to find that out though."

"I told you back in fifth year that he did," Ben said. "You asked me who was interested in you and I stated that Ted was one of the blokes who liked you."

"I honestly forgot all about that. Besides, that was two years ago. I'm sure he's over it by now," Ashley said.

"He's not," I piped up. I hoped I wasn't adding fuel to the fire, but I figured she should know. If she did, maybe she could do what she could to make sure Ben didn't get jealous. "He's wanted you since the third year. He kept asking me to set up a date between the two of you. I didn't think it was a good idea though. So I didn't. It could have been longer than that. He's complained to me since then that I should have set the two of you up before you got with Ben."

The last bit I added for Ben's sake. I figured it was best for Ben to hear that even Ted knew he didn't have a chance now. Most blokes knew that Ashley and Ben were endgame.

"Well as I said, he will have to get over it," Ashley replied and she looked at Ben. "It's only you that I want, and a couple of meetings alone with Ted aren't going to change that. I've never once seen him that way, and I never will. So can you let it go?"

"Fine," Ben muttered. "So who do you think will go to Beauxbatons?"

This was actually a good change of conversation. I felt that it would be hard to really decide. So many people wanted to stay at Hogwarts for sentimental reasons. It would only be two people from each house in the sixth (if they were seventeen) and seventh year. So there wouldn't really be much of a competition. I had to had to wonder if they'd even had eight seventh years going. I couldn't really think of many who would want to go. Perhaps Jared would go to get away from Melanie, but then again I knew she wanted to go too. I'd heard her boyfriend was from Beauxbatons.

As we talked about all of this, Keith returned to the compartment followed by Stan, Jared and Hank. Part of me at times felt awkward when I was with all of them like this. Hank and I had never gone beyond kissing, but we still had a history. Stan and Jared I actually did have a sexual history with. I'd been in love with Ben once and Michael was still in love with me. I knew eventually all of that would matter, and I knew should work on getting past it now. However, it was hard for me at the moment not to think about it. I was thinking a lot about the past, the sentimental stuff, and the not so sentimental stuff. I often wondered how Hank, Stan and Jared all felt knowing they'd all dated me. Did Keith feel odd about it? Did Michael feel jealous?

The boys joined in on the conversation about Beauxbatons, and I even suggested Jared should go. I wasn't sure why since I was sure that Melanie would probably go because of her boyfriend. Perhaps it was just to add to the conversation. Jared wasn't sure if he was on board or not, but then the subject changed back to the activities we'd be doing in the seventh year anyway.

The next day, classes started almost the same way they had in our fifth year. The teachers informed us that we'd be working hard to prepare for NEWTs. Our teachers also told us they'd be grading us more harshly because the examiners would be harder on us. That made me nervous because I'd thought they'd been hard on us in the fifth year. How much harder could they now?

The classes that I was in the sixth year were even harder because I was going to try and do sixth and seventh years simultaneously in them. It all depended on how well I did for the first term. If I did well enough, I'd have two Care of Magical Creature classes and two Potion classes. I was also going to try and get an OWL in Transfiguration, Astronomy and History of Magic. I didn't plan to continue them further, I just wanted the grades in them. It would look good for when I applied for jobs, and I wanted to make sure I had a good job for my baby.

I actually did have a lot of free time without Quidditch though. Everyone was working really hard too. The seventh years already had study fever. Usually they didn't get like this until closer to the Easter break, but they all knew we were preparing for our futures and this was our last chance. Although I wasn't as nose to the grindstone (I still needed to have some fun) I did work hard as well, especially for Potions and Care of Magical Creatures.

After almost a week of being there, I started to feel the stress of it all. I wasn't that far along in my pregnancy, but I could already feel a tight feeling in my back. My baby bump had popped out just a bit more as well. It wasn't noticeable under my robes still, but I could see people eying my stomach. Word had gotten out to people in the younger years about my pregnancy. While most of the seventh years were on my side, the younger girls weren't.

I'd told my friends I'd be okay with them making comments, but after a week of younger girls calling me a slag, I really wasn't. I felt tears burning in my eyes after a third year girl who I'd never even talked to coughed it out.

"Just give her the Ellen attitude," Tracy told me who'd overheard.

"And I suppose it was you who spread it around," I said to her with annoyance.

Tracy frowned at me. "No, I didn't. Don't take my word from it, but you have a snake in the badger hole. I told you already, I wasn't going to bother you about your pregnancy!"

"Snake in the badger hole sounds dirty," I said to her. "What does that even mean."

Tracy snorted and then rolled her eyes. "It's not a sexual reference Ellen. It means that Melanie who is a snake is spreading it around. She's a badger... a Hufflepuff. Timmy always goes on about how smart you are, but you really aren't. I can't believe you've never heard that term before. It's what people call rats in Hufflepuff house."

"And people have probably called you that!" I said angrily before I took off.

Deep down, I knew I shouldn't have been so rude to her. I just really disliked the girl and I still hadn't forgiven her for reading my diary. Perhaps later I'd apologize to her, but for the moment I didn't really care. I was sure she even expected me to give her attitude anyway. She usually did with me, and anyone else who talked to her.

Later on that day though, Timmy came over to talk to me.

"Can't you try harder to be nicer to Tracy?" He asked me. "I know you hate her. You have a good reason to. She deserves for people to be rude to her when she is, but when she makes an effort, we try to be nice to her. She's a lot better than she used to be. We think if she keeps improving, she'll just lose the bitchy attitude altogether. When people keep being rude to her, she just acts rude herself."

"The girl is going to be thirteen soon," I said. "She shouldn't need to be coddled like that Timmy."

"Nobody coddles her Ellen. It's the opposite. I know you don't believe me, but she actually is fun to hang out with. If we can get rid of that bitchy attitude altogether, she can be the Tracy that we actually like," Timmy said and then he sighed. "Look, you don't have to like her. I'm just asking for you to be nicer to her if she is being nice to you. If she is rude to you, feel free to argue back with her. Sometimes it's entertaining for us."

I knew Timmy was right and I thought back to Michael. It was the only way we'd been able to help him out. We'd told him off when he needed it, but we'd also been positive with him when he was positive. It didn't happen overnight with him. It took until the end of our fourth year with him. It was likely the same with Tracy. It wouldn't happen overnight, and if they wanted to remain friends with her, they'd have to keep working at it.

"Fine, I'll try my best if she is polite around me, but it won't be easy Timmy. I really do hate her," I said to him. "I'm only doing this for you because you're so insistent about keeping her around. If I slip up, don't get too angry with me. I have enough on my plate without worrying about that girls feelings."

"I know and I understand," Timmy said. "But you really should take her advice. Don't let them get to you. I know mum told you the same. You're not going to see them again after February."

Timmy, Tracy, and even my mum was right, but it wasn't easy. Mum had told me I'd start to feel hormonal too if I wasn't already and I was. With all the stress of school work, and the girls, I did often end the days in tears. I hid this from my friends, even Keith. I didn't want him to worry too much about me, and Ashley didn't need to worry about me either. So I did my best to act as positive as I could.

Thankfully with everything I had to do, I kept myself busy and the first month at school seemed to go by quickly. The Hufflepuff girls (with the exception of Melanie) stuck by my side if my friends or Keith weren't around. Melanie would make her snide comments, but thankfully she was going to Beaxbatons at the end of October. For the most part, she ignored us all. However, it seemed she couldn't help but insult me every once and a while.

I couldn't even really say anything about her cheating on Jared. Of course I was angry for him, but I'd cheated on Stan. So how could I really judge her when I'd done the same? I'd also slept around a lot and I was now seventeen and pregnant. How could I really judge her even if I hated her so much? I was sure Melanie even knew that, which was why she kept throwing in digs at me. I couldn't wait until the end of October when she was gone. As Tracy had said, we had a snake in the badger hole, and I wanted her out of our dormitory. I had enough stress as it was.

Fortunately, I did receive good news from my teachers. Hagrid told me that I was doing so well that he didn't see why I couldn't do seventh year classes in Care of Magical Creatures starting in October. So I would have another class added to my schedule, but it was worth it. It made me want to work even harder on everything else.

Professor Martin who was our new Potion's teacher felt I needed a bit more help however. Professor Slughorn had retired at the end of our sixth year. I preferred Professor Martin over Slughorn anyway. So while it was kind of sad we wouldn't have Slug club parties anymore, I was glad he was gone. Professor Martin wanted people to pass, anyone who was struggling with the class, he wanted to help.

"While I don't think you're struggling, you do need a bit more help if you want to take seventh year as well. You're still averaging between A's and E's, which is quite well, especially how your grades used to be. However, I'd like your marks to move up to E's before I can admit you into the seventh year class. I don't think you'll be ready until at least the end of term," Professor Martin said. "But I am going to help you. I've been setting up special classes for each year to study with me. The sixth years are Saturday mornings. So if you'd like, you could come here every Saturday morning to bring up your grades. I really do think you'll be able to do it if you put your mind to it Ellen."

"I hope so," I responded. "I'm sure Professor Sprout told you about my circumstances."

Professor Martin nodded. "Yes, and I'll be able to set up a study plan for you once you leave. Are you going to get a tutor once you go?"

"Keith's parents talked about getting one for me, but dad just wrote recently and he wants to pay for it. So once I leave school, I'll have a tutor to help me with my classes so I can pass my OWLs and NEWTs. I've been studying OWL classes in my free time and then at the end of next year, I plan to take those too," I told him.

"Good for you," he said to me. "And I'll do what I can while you're still here. We'll do everything we can to make sure you pass. You know, a girl I went to school with ended up pregnant. She got O's on all her NEWTs. So if she could do it, I am sure you can as well."

"Thanks," I said with a smile. "I really do appreciate it. I'm really glad that people are being so supportive of this."

I was surprised that my dad had volunteered to get my a tutor. He really was doing his best to be in our lives. I knew he wrote to Timmy often, and I thought my brother was slowly starting to give in. I believed it was because I talked about dad so much, and that Timmy really wanted his father back. I truly did hope they could have a good father and son relationship someday, just as I wanted a daughter and father one.

"I think you'll find that plenty of people will help you out Ellen," Professor Martin told me. "We want make sure that you can provide for your unborn child. I have also had a look at your marks from the last few years. Ellen, you have already raised your grades in just a month. Last year you did well enough, but you're doing a lot better. I believe if you work hard enough, you can get at an E or even an O in my class. Last year you just averaged an A all year. We're allowed to look at your other classes as well. You'll go far, and I don't understand why you didn't put in any effort before last year."

"I'd rather not say," I replied. "Let's just say I was young and stupid. Failing my OWLs was a wake up call, and then getting pregnant was an even bigger wake up call. Now for the rest of my life, it's going to be dedicated to my baby. I regret my past behaviour, but the past is the past. All I can do now is be a better person for the future."

"And that right there shows you have grown up. Mind you, I can't offer my opinion too much about that since I've only known you for a month," Professor Martin said.

"I think you're spot on, at least I hope you are," I said with a smile.

"I think I am right when I say that you'll succeed Ellen," Professor Martin told me.

I left his classroom feeling happy. I did truly hope he was right. Everyone believed I was having a good turn around, and I was going to keep trying, but what if I didn't succeed? While it felt good to have all these teachers, and my friends and family complimenting me, I did worry I would fail. I tried not to have those negative thoughts too much, but at times when I couldn't sleep at night, I did worry.

Ashley and Ted had meetings with the seventh years every month about the activities we were planning. There were different committees they'd set up so that all the seventh years who wanted to could participate. I would have loved to be part of a committee, but I had too much to do and I'd be leaving soon. None of the students who were going to Beauxbatons were involved, and the prefects were helping all the committees.

One of the committees was an activities committee. They wanted us to make decorations for Halloween that would be judged. We were allowed to pair up with people, so of course Keith and me decided to work together. Ashley and Ben were obviously working together, and they were tight lipped about what they were doing. No one was even sure where they were going to work on whatever it was. Knowing them, it was going to be something really brilliant. With Ashley's expertise in Charms, and Ben being smart in everything, they would have something that would amaze everyone.

We decided just to do something simple and make a flashing jack-o'-lantern to join the other pumpkins in the Great Hall. Usually Hagrid decorated it with twelve huge ones that most people could actually fit inside. We weren't using a real pumpkin. We figured it was something we could keep for ourselves as a Halloween decoration to use every year. We could tell our kids that we'd made it in the seventh year. Keith had his parents send us an old basketball of his which we blew up, and then Transfigured into a pumpkin. We turned it more of a pumpkin orange and then carved out a face into it. We decided to use different colour charms for it to flash. I was very pleased with our work. It might not be as good as something Ben or Ashley would do, but it was still very impressive in my opinion.

"So how is Lance enjoying Hogwarts?" I asked Keith as we put the finishing touches on it. "You haven't really mentioned him lately, and we never seen him."

Lance was sorted into Gryffindor but I very rarely saw him and Keith never brought him up. I knew at times Timmy tried to help him out, but otherwise I hadn't heard much about him. Keith seemed to be focusing all his attention on me or school work. Now that I was in my fourth month, I was feeling the pregnancy even more. My back ached so much by the end of the day. If I felt this way in my fourth month with just a small baby bump, how would I feel at seven months? I didn't understand why I was already so sore.

"He loves it," Keith said. "He's already opened up so much. He is so different from just the beginning of the year. It's why we never see him. I don't understand how he could change so quickly. I think it's just being around magical people."

"I've noticed that with a lot of people. Timmy wasn't exactly shy, but he wasn't that confident either and look at him. I think that's why Ashley's idea of a school is a good one. Muggleborn kids need to be around magical kids instead of muggle ones," I said.

"The kids he hangs out with are good ones too," Keith said. "He met them on the train, and they've been inseparable ever since. I'm actually glad I haven't seen much of him. I'm leaving after this year. I don't want him to rely on me. I was worried that would happen. I think he understands that though."

"Of course he does," I said. "I believe Timmy feels the same way. It's why he has never clung to me either."

"Hard to believe that they'll be taking over soon," Keith said.

"Just like next year there will be new kids sleeping in our dorms," I said. "We'll be forgotten soon enough. And for me, I'll be leaving sooner than anyone."

And as I said this, I felt emotional. I began blinking back the tears. I didn't mean to cry often, but it did happen and I blamed it all on the pregnancy hormones. Keith seemed to be used to this. At first he used to ask why I was crying, but now he didn't seemed bothered by it. All he did was lean over and give me a hug and then a kiss on the cheek.

"Let's just finish this," I said. "Then we won't have to worry about it anymore. We'll have the rest of the month to work on everything else. What do you think Ashley and Ben are making?"

"I heard them say something about skeletons, but we'll see," Keith said. "Whatever it is will blow everyone else's away."

"I'm sure even the Ravenclaw's will do well too," I said. "Lindsay is quite creative and so are Tara and Aaron."

I noticed writing appear on my message parchment. I had it on the table in front of us. I pulled it over to me to see that it was from mum.

Ellen. I know you are planning to go to Hogsmeade after the students for Beauxbatons leave. I would like to meet up with you at some point. We can look at baby things, and I'd like to check on you too.

Sure mum. We can meet up at The Three Broomsticks and then go from there.

"Mum wants to meet up with me when we go to Hogsmeade," I told Keith. "So we might have to cut the date a little short."

Keith didn't look surprised by this, and I wondered why that was. Perhaps she'd told him that she wanted to see me alone or something.

"I'd like to spend some time with Dan anyway," he said. "I've kind of neglected our friendship this year. I feel bad, but he seems very understanding."

"Dan has always been understanding," I said. "Besides, once I am gone you can spend as much time as you want with him. Once we're done school too. I mean we'll be occupied with the baby, but I think everyone is right when they say we'll have more freedom too."

"Well I think it depends between jobs and the baby, but we won't have someone watching our every move. We'll be the ones watching someone's every move for the next seventeen years."

"Well, eleven," I said.

"Until we have more kids. We said we'd have more than one," Keith replied. "How much do you want? You've never said."

"Three," I answered. "I've always found the oldest, middle and youngest children fascinating. I don't want a huge age gap either. I think if we do well with our first baby, we should have another when he or she is two or three. I want them out of diapers, but I don't want a big age difference like Timmy and me either. Jaime and Ashley have too close of an age difference. They're only eighteen months apart. Ashley's mum told me it was hard having babies so close together like that."

"Three it is then," Keith said. "I'd like the oldest to be a boy."

"Keith, the gender is already decided. We don't get to decide that," I told him with amusement.

"I know, but I just like the idea of the older brother looking after the little sister," Keith said.

"Older sisters look out after the younger brothers too," I said. "Ben's sisters did and I do. I think it would be neat if we had a boy, and then a girl and then another boy. That would give the middle child something to feel special about."

One morning, I woke up early because I had to use the loo and I felt fluttering in my stomach. It was the first time I'd felt the baby. Of course I'd always known that I had a baby in me. I'd known it since I'd seen the positive pregnancy test, and it was even more real. Now however, I realized just how real it was. I had a real life inside of me, and he or she was moving around. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was certainly different. I'd movement from gas pain before of course, but this was definitely not from gas. This was my baby.

I smiled as I put my hands on my belly.

"Glad to finally feel you little one," I murmured.

"And soon enough you'll be holding it," someone whispered.

I opened my eyes to see Melanie looking at me.

"How can you be so happy about this Ellen? You've ruined your life, and that baby's. I've always known that you were a loser. This is just a proof. A mother at seventeen. That poor child is going to have a horrible life," she whispered.

Without another word, she turned and left. I knew I shouldn't have taken her seriously, but I couldn't help it. I started to cry again. What was supposed to be a good morning for me had turned into something else. My baby was still moving a lot.

"Don't worry little one, I will do my best," I whispered sniffling and then I sat up.

"Ellen, what is wrong?"

I looked up to see Erica looking at me with concern. I blurted out everything to her. I didn't bother to wonder why she was awake as well. It was too early for the girls to be up already.

"Don't listen to Melanie," Erica murmured. "She's the last person who should be calling you a loser. You will make an amazing mother."

"I'm a fat and ugly loser!" I said angrily. A few of the girls stirred, but no one woke up. "Look at all my acne!"

"You can't even tell you're pregnant," Erica whispered. "And you're so beautiful. You're glowing. Get up right now Ellen. Come look in the mirror. Even when you do get a belly, you won't be fat. It will all be belly, and you'll be ugly."

I stood up. My baby was still moving a lot. I wiped my tears.

"I do have a baby bump," I said a little louder.

"And you should," Erica said. "But you can't even tell yet. You still look as small as ever but you're going to be one of those cute pregnant women, and your acne isn't that bad."

I didn't often show my belly, but I did now as Erica led me to the bathroom. Her grin widened even more.

"It's adorable Ellen!" Erica said. "Why are you letting Melanie of all people bring you down? Is the baby still moving? Can I feel her?"

"She's still moving," I said. "And go ahead."

I paused in the entrance of the bathroom. No one but Keith had touched my belly so far. Although mum had told me to expect for people to ask to touch my belly, or even people would do it without even asking. Erica reached over and placed a hand on my belly. The baby was still fluttering quite a bit and I wondered what he or she was doing in there.

"Ooh, this is so amazing. Our dog was pregnant once, and we could feel the babies. It was so brilliant but this is even better," Erica said excitedly. "I've heard after you feel the baby the first time, you feel it all the time. Sometimes you can even see it. I heard one of my mum's friends actually saw a foot! Now come on and look in the mirror. See how beautiful you and your baby are and don't ever let that stupid bitch put you down again. She'll be gone soon after all."

Erica led me over to a mirror and I stared at myself. I really hadn't give myself a look in the mirror lately. I didn't even put makeup on anymore. I just put my hair back and went to classes. Ever since school had started, I hadn't really cared much about my appearance. I just knew I was going to get bigger after all.

As I gazed at myself in the mirror, I saw a very pretty girl staring back at me. It wasn't just the pregnancy glow though. It was something else. I had seen this look when Tasha had been pregnant and Rachel too. I couldn't figure out what it was, but my face looked different than usual and it wasn't the acne or the glow.

"You're a very beautiful mum," Erica said to me. "I know we don't hang out that much on our own, but I have always liked you Ellen. I hate to see you get sad or stressed, so please don't. You know that we will all be there for you. We're your friends, not Melanie."

"Thanks," I said and put my shirt down. I turned and hugged her. "I really needed this."

"Just keep remembering who your true friends are Ellen. We all know this could have happened to anyone, including Melanie," Erica said as she hugged me back. "We're all on your side until you leave... well, we still will be when you do leave. I just mean all of us real Hufflepuff girls will be there for you and we'll help you out until you leave. We're all going to miss you."

"I'll miss all of you as well," I told her.

Unfortunately, not all of the Hufflepuff girls were on my side. I had the seventh years with the exception of Melanie on my side, but most of the younger girls weren't. The only ones I could count on were Alana, June, Sally-Anne and Tracy (yes even her) but the other girls either stared at me all the time, or they would make comments. Plenty of them knew me because of Quidditch, and they all knew why I was no longer playing.

One morning, shortly after I felt my baby for the first time, I woke up early again, but this wasn't unusual. I was getting to the point where I had to use the loo quite a bit at night. I was used to having to use it a lot, that had started early in my pregnancy, but it hadn't been quite as often at night as it was now. I was usually good for about four times in a night now. Before, I only went twice in a night. For some reason, it was always about five every morning for the last time, and I never bothered going back to bed for this. Thankfully, no one else was awake this time. All the girls were sound asleep.

After I used the loo, I left the dorms to go to the common room to get a head start on my school work. I'd start doing this, and if I didn't have school work, I studied for the OWL classes I wanted to take again. My younger self would be surprised by this. I had to wonder if I'd be as responsible at the age of fourteen or fifteen if I'd gotten pregnant, or if I would just be full of self-pity? I had a feeling that the younger me wouldn't have stepped up to take care of the baby. I'd be feeling sorry for myself because it was someone else's baby and not Ben's. I'd probably be even hiding it, or worse, finding a way to get rid of the baby. I hated to think about my old self and my selfish ways.

As I headed into the common room, this was all on my mind. I expected to find the room empty as it usually was at this time of day. However, I didn't expect to run into Martha, the new Quidditch captain. She had a broomstick in her hand and her hair was wind swept. So she must have been out flying.

"Ooh look, it's the slag!" Martha said and she smirked.

"Sod off Martha," I replied. "I've seen you around the castle with different boys. You really can't talk. In fact, I walked in on you with Jared last year when I went down the boys dorms."

"But my Quidditch career isn't over because I got pregnant!" Martha retorted.

"Not yet!" I exclaimed. "Look, I don't know why you suddenly decided to hate me, but forget that a moment. I don't hate you Martha, and I am going to give you a piece of advice that I wish someone would have given me. Always be careful. If you are not on the potion yet, get permission from your mum and make sure you always use the spell and a condom. You should use as many forms of birth control as possible. Otherwise, you will be seventeen and pregnant, or worse, fifteen and pregnant! At least with me, I have support from Keith and everyone else, but you might not."

"My mum won't let me go on the potion," Martha stated and then she sighed. "Look, it's not I hate you Ellen. It's just that you've really disappointed me over the years. I looked up to you so much. I saw you as my mentor and because of your issues with your friends Ben and Ashley, you let yourself fail and your skills go down. I mean, last year was understandable with Michael and all, but a true captain would have had someone lead the team if she couldn't. And then this year, when I expected someone to lead the team while I'm doing OWLs, you got pregnant! So now I have to do OWLs and be captain!"

I felt annoyed by the last thing she said. The rest of it were actually good points. I couldn't argue with her about that at all, but what made her think that her OWLs were more important than my NEWTs? I had plenty to study as well. Ben even dropped the team so he could study more. There were plenty of people who had been captain during their fifth or seventh years. Oliver Wood had been Quidditch captain and he now played professionally!

"You're right about most of that," I said to her. "And I am sorry I let you down. I shouldn't have let things go that way with Ben and Ashley. You have no idea how much I regret that now, not just because of Quidditch but because I almost ruined our friendships. You're right about last year too, I should have found someone, maybe you, to take over for that month for the rest of the team. You are very wrong about this year though Martha. What if I'd decided I didn't want to play professionally, and I'd just quit for my NEWTs? You would still be Quidditch captain. You read up a lot about Professional Quidditch players and since you have, you'll know that they started in their fifth years too. Also, I may not have many classes as you, but NEWT level is very hard and they expect more from you. I am also studying the classes I failed my OWLs in as well. I want to take them at the end of year. My exams are just as important as yours, and it would be very hard for me as well for you!"

Martha pursed her lips and then gave a shrug. "What OWL classes are you studying for Ellen?"

"Why?" I asked her.

"Well if you're up to studying right now, I'll study with you," she said. "I haven't been fair to you. You're right. And I am sorry I called you a slag. I'll try to get the other girls to back off if I can. It's just I have been disappointed in you for years. I thought I found someone to look up to, but it all changed. I'll keep in mind about what you said. I don't want to end up pregnant. So what classes are you studying for?"

"Tranfiguration, History of Magic and Astronomy," I said.

"Why History of Magic and Astronomy?" Martha asked.

"They're the core classes. I won't need them, but I want to have OWLs in the core classes at least. I don't plan to take them further. Even if I just get an A," I told her. "I just want to have grades in anything for my career when I leave here."

"And what do you plan to do?" Martha asked.

"Unfortuantely I don't know," I replied. "That's what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket."

"Hmm, well go sit down and I'll grab my books. We'll think of something," Martha said and without another word she hurried into the girls dorms.

I wasn't used to her being so friendly with me. It seemed odd. I headed over to our usual table where all my books were. I took a seat and pull out an old Transfiguration textbook. I'd gotten rid of mine, so I'd had to get one from my friends who hadn't sold theirs. Martha returned to the common room moments later with some books.

"Why do you suddenly want to help me?" I asked her.

"Because I feel bad for being rude to you, and you did help me get on the team. So I should help you now, and when I was getting my books, I thought of something," she replied. "You could still do something Quidditch related. A lot of people who can't play anymore either go into the Sports Department in the Ministry or they write for Quidditch. That's what I want to do when I am done. Quidditch writers usually get free tickets and everything! You know so much about the topic, you could write for the Daily Prophet or the Witch Weekly or some other magazine!"

"But I hate writing," I said to her. "I hate writing essays. I'm not that good at writing either."

"Have you ever kept a journal?" Martha asked and I nodded. "Well I find that writing for something you enjoy is easier than for some class at school. If you're passionate about a subject, you'll enjoy it. It could be hard, especially since you're so young and a lot of people want to write for Quidditch, but it's something you can try. If that doesn't work, well you're amazing with Herbology. Just think of something you're passionate for, and it will come to you. I'm sure you plan to spend the first year at home with the baby anyway. So you have time to decide. Just start with what you enjoy doing, and go from there."

"You're very smart," I said to her. "I wish I would have had that insight in the fifth year."

"I've been told by several people not to just rely on Quidditch. Your pregnancy was a wake up call for me too," Martha answered. "So do you know what the baby is going to be?"

"I'll find out over the holidays," I responded.

"What do you want it to be?" Martha asked.

"I don't have a preference," I answered. "I just want the baby be healthy."

"That's a cliche answer you know," Martha told me. "Parents to be always say that, but they usually do have some kind of preference."

"I used to believe that too," I told her. "Tasha told me the same thing when she was pregnant with Minnie. I understand now. A little girl would be nice so I can dress her up in cute outfits, but on the otherhand, I'd love a little boy too. I remember Timmy and he was fun and he was also cute to dress up as well. Plus, a boy would be an older brother to a younger sister... it's not easy to decide because each have their pro's. In the end though, I just want a healthy baby. I drank at the beginning of my pregnancy and I also took a Bludger to the stomach last term. I'm worried it could have done some harm to the baby. I won't be disappointed either way."

"I think you would have miscarried by now," Martha said. "You're already in your second trimester aren't you? You'll be fine. The Healer would have noticed anything wrong when you had your ultrasound."

"She thought the baby seemed healthy, and I hope she sees the same thing for the next one," I replied. "I won't relax until that baby is in my arms though."

"No you won't," Martha said laughing. "You'll be worrying for the rest of that childs life. Mum told me it doesn't matter how old a kid gets. Parents still worry."

"There is some truth to that," I said.

It actually ended up being a pleasant morning. I was glad to have her back on my side again. The more people on my side, the better. I knew that there would still be people who made fun of me, but if I had more people on my side, it would make the next few months a lot easier to get through. I just hoped she was sincere.

As the end of October approached, it was time to bid good-bye to the seventh years who wanted to go to Beauxbatons, including Melanie. I would miss the other people who were leaving, but I just wanted Melanie gone. I wasn't the only one who felt this way. Most people were looking forward to her leaving, especially Jared. I think other than Ashley, she was the first girl he had actually really liked. I knew he hadn't loved Melanie, but there had been potential for him to fall in love with her.

As the sixth and seventh years boarded the train, we heard Jared say:

"Good riddance!"

We tried our best to comfort him and talk to him, but he was grumpy. I had a feeling that the boys planned to take him to Hogsmeade and get him drunk. I knew Stan and Hank were in on it, but Ben, Michael, Ashley and even Keith seemed kind of secretive as well. Keith walked over to them to whisper something to them while I bid good-bye to Brad who was hanging out the window. So perhaps when I went to meet up with my mother later on, they were all going to get him drunk. I didn't know why they were keeping it from me, unless it was because they worried about offending me since I couldn't drink. I'd noticed people walked on eggshells around me when it came to alcohol and drinking since I could be emotional.

After the train left, Keith and me headed to Hogsmeade with everyone else third year and over. The teachers were having a party for the first and second years in the Great Hall since they weren't old enough to go. I could see Timmy and his friends watching us go with disappointment, but next year they'd allowed to go. So I didn't really give them a second thought as we went. I just wanted to spend time with Keith for the moment, and I was looking forward to seeing mum later.

Keith and me just wandered around and talked. Most of our conversations went back to the baby. He seemed a little distracted and I wondered what was wrong. Normally when we were together, he had all his attention on me. A few times I had to repeat what I'd said.

"Is baby talk getting to you?" I asked him as we made our way up the hill to stop by the Shrieking Shack.

"Of course not," Keith said.

"You just seem distracted. We don't have to talk about the baby anymore. Soon enough our lives will revolve around the baby, but we don't always have to talk about it," I said.

"I don't mind baby talk," Keith said to me. "Look, I was scared when I first found out, just as you were but now I am excited. All I think about is how we're going to raise this baby. I do get scared sometimes, but I get excited more. So I am more than happy to talk you about our baby."

"So why are you distracted? I don't want to seem needy or anything, but you always have your focus on me when we're alone together. If you don't then it means something is wrong," I said.

"Nothing is wrong. It's just I am realizing just how close everything at Hogwarts is coming to an end. We just said good-bye to a bunch of people and we won't see them ever again maybe. Not unless Ben has his pool party next summer. I knew we were already growing up just because of the baby, but just saying good-bye is the biggest wake up call I guess. I know that seems strange just because we're going to be parents should be," Keith said.

"No, I know what you mean," I said to him. "I feel the same way. And I don't think you'll have the wake up call until the baby is here anyway. I already had it when I first felt him for the first time."

"I wish I could," Keith said. "The baby doesn't want to be active around me."

"Maybe I'll start sleeping in your dorm then. I just haven't been because I haven't wanted to wake you up. I get up so much at night to use the loo. The baby is most active when I first wake up. Ashley has been trying to get up early too so she can feel the baby. So far Erica is the only person who has," I said. "I am just glad Melanie is gone. Now I don't have an enemy in my dorm. Or as Tracy put it, a snake in the badger hole. That still sounds dirty to me."

"That really doesn't surprise me," Keith said with a grin. "It's an old saying. I bet Helga Hufflepuff used it."

"And she might have been dirty," I said. "Maybe she wanted Salazar Slytherin."

"Maybe she did," Keith said laughing. "Maybe they even had a love affair. Maybe he took her down to the Chamber of Secrets. Perhaps the Basilisk wasn't the only thing he was hiding down there."

We both started to laugh.

"Is it wrong for us to joke about the Chamber of Secrets like that?" I asked him once I got a hold of myself. "I mean, a little girl died."

"I think it depends on how," Keith said with a shrug. "I think at times things can be joked about but it depends on the context. I think joking about Helga and Salazar having an affair isn't that bad in taste."

I sighed and checked my watch. It was almost time to meet my mother, and I showed this to Keith who nodded.

"I'll go on and meet Dan then. When you two get back, I expect we'll be at The Three Broomsticks," Keith said. "Have fun with your mother sweetheart."

He kissed me. I was supposed to meet mum at The Three Broomsticks, but Keith seemed determined to split up right there and then. I wondered why that was when we could just walk down the hill together. I believed him when he said that the seventh years leaving was a wake up call, but I had a feeling he was up to something else as well. Normally he would want to stay with me for as long as possible.

I decided not to dwell on it though. Whatever it was, it wasn't about me. I knew he had his own things going on. So I headed to The Three Broomsticks slowly after he took off. By the time I got down to the bottom of the hill, he was out of sight. Perhaps something was going on with Dan, or maybe they were doing something for Jared after all.

Mum was waiting for me outside The Three Broomsticks, so I hurried over to her.

"You look so different," mum said to me once I joined her.

"You mean fat?" I asked her.

"No, I mean radiant and grown up," mum said. "And yes, I can see your baby belly, but it doesn't make you look fat sweetheart. You look very beautiful as you always have. Now, I didn't tell you before, but I arranged for us to go to St. Mungos. Healer Smeck would like to see you before December. I wanted it to be a surprise for you."

"What about Keith and Timmy?" I asked.

"They're both fine with it. Keith already knows and Timmy does too. They know they can be at the other ultrasounds. We just have to promise to bring them a picture back," mum said.

"So why didn't you tell me before?" I asked.

It wasn't that I wasn't grateful. I wanted to see the difference in ultrasounds, especially now that I could feel the baby, I just didn't get why mum hadn't told me.

"Because I assumed you'd want more than one person to come with us. I just want it to be you and me today. We'll go for your ultrasound first, and then I'd like to have dinner with my daughter. I want us to have some time together before there is a new addition to the family. I'd like a mother and daughter day before everything changes," mum told me. "Professor Sprout said I can bring you back at any time. Is the third degree over?"

"Yes," I answered. "Sorry, it's not that I am ungrateful, mum. I just didn't understand the secrecy. I'm excited for the ultrasound. I can't wait to see the baby again, and I'd love to have dinner with you."

"Do you want me to apparate you over, or would you like to do it on your own?" Mum asked.

"You'd better do it," I answered. "I'm not used to St. Mungos and I don't want to do anything risky when I am pregnant."

Mum nodded and held her arm out to me. I took a hold of her arm, and she turned on the spot. Moments later, we were in the maternity ward of St. Mungos. We walked over to the chairs to take a seat. I hoped that we wouldn't have to wait too long. I wanted to have a look.

"We might even be able to find out the gender today," mum said.

"No," I said shaking my head. "I want to know, but not without Keith. We'll wait until December like we planned. It isn't that much longer now. I just want to see the baby and hear her heart beat."

"Fair enough," mum said. "Your father wanted to come today, but I wasn't sure about springing that on you."

"He can come to the next ultrasound," I said. "He wants to be involved, and that proves he does want to be. Today can be for you and me. I guess the whole family should be together when we find out the gender anyway."

"He's a changed man you know," mum said. "He's even tried getting along with me, and I can't remember the last time we got along so well."

I didn't know what to do with this piece of information. Part of me hoped that maybe mum and dad would fall in love with each other again, but another part didn't want that. It was all too confusing for me. I was just glad that he was stepping up to take care of us again. I would take that over the last few years.

"I guess some people take longer to grow up than others," I finally said.

"I think he felt that magic betrayed him. He just didn't react too well to it," mum said. "I am not making excuses. I still get very angry with him when I think about it, but that's what I believe."

"Me too," I said. "I can't ever imagine not wanting to do magic. I am glad I can do it when I want now. I can't imagine turning my back on my baby. I'm a teen mum, but that's my fault, not my baby's fault and I hope he or she never questions my love."

We were calling into the room moments later. Healer Smeck had me change right away unlike last time. She had to do the intimate checks again, and I hated it. That meant that she was always going to do it, and when I asked her, apparently I'd have to come back once a year for a pap smear which was just as intimate.

"We have to check for cervical cancer or anything else," she told me. "All adult women have to go through it. I know it's not comfortable, but that comes with being a woman unfortunately. Right now I have to make sure your cervix is still closed."

"But I'd know if I started bleeding wouldn't I?" I asked her.

"Well yes, and no. Bleeding doesn't always mean that. It's just a precaution Ellen. It's all part of the checkup and with you being at school, I'd like for us to be extra careful. I would like you to be careful as you get further along in your pregnancy," she said. "Take things slow and don't put strain on yourself too much. Remember, the teachers will be very understanding. I am going to write you a note giving you permission to be late for classes."

"And that doesn't mean you should take advantage," mum said quickly and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"It just means that we don't want you to move too fast. There is a difference between a half hour late and ten minutes late," Healer Smeck added.

"I know all that," I said. "Can we please do the ultrasound now? I am very uncomfortable."

I was glad when I could move into a more comfortable and less exposed position. Just as she had the first time, Healer Smeck waved her wand over my stomach and muttered a few spells. She seemed a lot quicker this time. She moved over to the table where she kept the parchments as soon as she was done. I sat up, made sure I was completely covered and then hopped off the bed. Mum and I joined her as she waved her wand over one of the parchments.

Just as we'd heard before, a loud heartbeat started almost after the baby appeared on the parchment. It was such a satisfying sound.

"How is she?" I asked as we gazed down at her.

"Very healthy and the baby has everything she or he needs," Healer Smeck told me.

"So the hit to the stomach and the alcohol didn't harm her," I questioned.

"No, the baby is perfectly healthy. I would have noticed that right away. Thankfully we have spells to detect that. Often in the muggle world, they don't detect that right away but fortunately we can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby. You are doing very well, but while I can see the baby is healthy, I am concerned about you," she said.

"Why?" I asked. "What's wrong with me?"

"I can already detect stress in you, and you aren't eating as much as you should," she said. "It's why I don't recommend you stay at Hogwarts the entire time."

"I eat every meal," I said with confusion. "I am always hungry."

"But you aren't getting the nutrients you need," she said. "So I am going to make a list of the foods you should eat. I am also going to prescribe some potions for Madame Pomfrey to give you once a week while you're still there. You are still taking the prenatal vitamins aren't you?"

"I forget sometimes," I admitted.

"Well you can't keep doing that honey," she said. "Please take better care of yourself. If you aren't healthy, the baby won't be. What is stressing you out exactly? Is it the school work?"

"Some of the girls are really rude to me," I admitted.

"Don't let them get to you too much," she said. "If it gets to be too much, you really should go home. I honestly don't believe you should stay at school until March, but it's up to you."

"I'll take better care of myself. I do have problems sleeping too sometimes. I have to pee a lot and now the baby is active," I said. "Is there a way to stop myself waking up to pee?"

"Unfortunately no," Healer Smeck said with a chuckle. "That is a normal part of pregnancy. It's not healthy to prevent urination. You'll just have to put with that. I'll make sure to write a note for your teachers to be understanding about that as well."

I nodded and thanked her. She moved on to make more ultrasound pictures.

"Now, would you like to know the sex?" She asked me. "I already know, and I can put it on the pictures if you'd like."

"No," I answered instantly. "Next time we come. I want Keith to find out with me. It's so tempting so I can know what to buy, but it's less than two months to go."

Healer Smeck smiled at me and then gathered all the pictures together.

"Our appointment is over. I look forward to seeing you again," she said. "Please take better care of yourself dear. Take your time, eat healthier and don't let anyone bring you down."

"Are you ready for dinner?" Mum asked me.

I nodded. "I'll just get dressed and we'll get going. The baby looks bigger. I mean, I know she is supposed to be, but I can tell just from this picture."

I hurried to the change room and quickly got dressed. I'd taken one of the pictures with me. Of course it was hard to tell, but as I gazed at it, if I had to guess, I thought I was having a girl. I wasn't going to tell anyone my suspicions, but I had a feeling that I was gazing down at Michelle and not Elliot. Although I'd told Martha that I hoped I'd have a healthy baby, I did truly want a little girl now that I knew the baby was fine. I knew I still had to get through the pregnancy, but I planned to take better care of myself. I could just imagine a little girl with blond hair who I could dress up. I could imagine a teenaged Michelle who I had to tell off for coming in after curfew. She was going to be a girly girl.

We had our Halloween contest the next day. The teachers were the judges. A lot of my fellow seventh years had made some really nice decorations. It was amazing to see the level we'd all reached as I took it all in. There was a time when all of us had been in awe of people who could do what we could, and now the younger students were impressed by our skills in magic.

The ones that were the most impressive were the skeletons that Ashley and Ben had made. Ben had transfigured the skeletons, but Ashley had charmed them so they could walk. We were just learned to charm things to move, but it was with small things. She had done it with the skeletons, and they could move around on their own. We were still learning to just make move with our wands. We wouldn't advance to that level until later, and yet she had learned to do it all on her own. It really was amazing what she could do. She enjoyed Charms, and she would work on them on her own. It was why I didn't understand why she didn't go into Experimental Charms instead of being a teacher.

We didn't win any awards, but plenty of people complimented us on our work. Afterwards, we decorated the Great Hall with all of it. Maisie's was the least impressive and it was something a third year could have made but I thought it was still a good effort. I didn't like the girl at all, but we could all see a change in her. I thought she seemed very lonely. None of the people in her house wanted anything to do with her. Most of the other seventh years didn't either. They all associated her with Don and Xaiver. There was a while when she had been a target. I knew she hadn't been involved and I felt bad for her.

As we went into November, I grew more and more. I went from having just a small baby bump to a stomach. Thankfully Ashley's charms had worked. Anytime I put my robes on, they always fit. My back bothered me more as I grew and my feet hurt even more. I was grateful for the note from my the Healer because it was actually getting really hard to move fast. I didn't want to hurry up the steps because I feared I would trip up or down them. Keith didn't like to leave my side, and thankfully the teachers seemed to extend the note from the Healer to him and my friends as well. They all seemed to be understanding that I did need help.

My main problem was still the younger girls. Alana, Martha, June, Sally-Anne and even Tracy tried to tell them off for me. Ashley even had to put someone of them in detention for me, and apparently some of the prefects did as well, but it didn't stop them. They didn't care about getting into detention. For some reason they just really wanted to make my life miserable. Tina, a girl is Alana's dorm didn't even know me, but she was so rude to me. The second year girls seemed to ignore me, but I had a feeling it was because of Timmy. That didn't stop them from smirking at me though.

As time went on, I started to feel even more hormonal than before. I hadn't thought that was possible. There were times in class went I would break down into tears. The classes I had with the sixth years people would silently laugh at me. I was glad I only had two classes with them. A girl named Janine who was a prefect should have been sticking up for me, but she seemed to want to join in with them. She didn't, but I could tell she wanted to. She just pretended she didn't see or hear anything and she would hide a smirk behind her hand.

Although Stan and I were getting a lot better, I was surprised to see him tell off a couple of third year Ravenclaw boys for mooing at me in the corridors.

"Does it feel good to stress out a pregnant woman?" He snapped at them. "Does it make you feel like big men? Leave her alone. I'd better not hear you do that again!"

He turned to me. I was already in tears by it. I missed the old me. The old Ellen who would tell them off, but all I could do was cry. I didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even Keith, but I didn't want to be at school anymore. I was tired of the teasing. I was tired of all the stairs. I just wanted to be at home in my own bed with my mother. However, I didn't say anything because I was a grown woman and I was a mother to be. I had to suck it up until the baby came.

"Ellen, don't let them get to you," Stan said. "I've never seen you cry so much before."

"Hormones," I answered. "I'm so uncomfortable all the time and I get so hot all the time and my back hurts and my ankles are swelling. I am getting so big and I am so fat and ugly!"

"You're beautiful," Stan said to me. "Now let me walk you back to the common room."

"You shouldn't be nice to me. I was horrible to you!" I said.

"It's all under the bridge. Ellen, you are too stressed and I just don't think you should be here. We'll miss you but this isn't a good environment for you."

"I'm fine," I lied.

"You know, we haven't dated in a long time, but I can still tell when you're lying," Stan said. "Let's just get you to the common room."

Stan helped me all the way down to the common room. He left me at the entrance before turning to head to the library where he'd originally been headed to. All I wanted to do was go to Professor Sprout and tell her that I wanted to go home, but I didn't. I had to suck it up because I needed a good education for my baby.

As the Christmas holidays drew closer, I felt worse and I hated being there. It got to the point that I couldn't even tie my own shoes and that made me cry. I should have listened when people had told me that I'd be uncomfortable. Tasha had told me that cooling charms on the robes really helped, so I did try that when I got to be too hot.

One afternoon, Professor Sprout called me over to her after class.

"What did I do?" I asked her as I approached her slowly.

"You haven't done anything," she said. "You're not always in trouble when I want to talk to you," she added with some amusement. "Sit down and then I am going to walk you back to the castle."

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I've been very concerned about you, and so have others," she said. "Ellen, I really recommend that you stay home. We can send you everything and you even said your father plans to hire a tutor for you. It's too stressful for you to stay here. A student came to me this morning to tell me that she has been watching you and she is hoping that I and Professor McGonagall can convince you to go home."

"And that student is likely Ashley," I said.

And I felt furious with her. She'd been helping me out a lot, but it wasn't her business to go behind my back like this. As usual, she had to do something like this. It was just like when she'd told Greg off. She should have talked to me first instead of going behind my back. Why did she always have to interfere with things even if she meant well? Professor Sprout didn't have to confirm this, I could see it in her face that I'd guessed the right person.

"Ellen, you should be in the comfort of your own home. You are now six months pregnant. Think of how you feel now and add another two months to it. You're only going to get more uncomfortable. Ashley is a good friend to you. She is worried about you. She is also Head Girl, and she did what she felt she had to."

I started to cry. I really didn't want another two months of this. I didn't want to deal with the mean people at Hogwarts and all the stairs and having all the long walks to the loo from classes. At least at home I had no stairs and the bathroom was near my room. And my anger with Ashley went away. That didn't mean I wasn't going to confront her about it. I wanted her to admit it at least. She was right and so was everyone else. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to go home and I wanted my mother to take care of me as she said she would.

"There is no shame in it," Professor Sprout said. "You're not giving up. You're just taking care of yourself and the baby. It's what you should be doing. It is up to you Ellen. We can all see you are working very hard, but we can also see it's too much for you."

I wiped my tears away and nodded. "I'll stay home when I leave at Christmas. You're right and so is everyone else. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore."

"I am very glad to hear that. I am going to miss you very much Ellen, but I want you to take care of yourself," she replied. "Now come on. It's very snowy and slippery out. I am going to walk you back to the castle."

I felt nothing but relief now. I would be leaving very soon and as much as I would miss Hogwarts, I was ready to go. I was ready to start my life outside of the school. I knew I'd cry a lot on my last day, but this part of my life was over. A new chapter in my life was starting. It was time to be grown up and to be a mother.


	20. Holiday Surprises

Holiday Surprises

The last few days at school were emotional. There were so many people to say good-bye to but at the same time I was glad to be leaving. I knew that if all the people who hugged me truly cared about me, we would see each other again. So I knew it wasn't truly good-bye. I was just starting my life before they were.

On the way home, mum kept telling me that she was glad I'd made the decision to stay at home.

"Wait until you see the den," she told me. "Of course we still don't know what the baby will be, but we will soon enough. I've set it up as gender neutral for now. I already have the crib which is white and the blankets are several different colours. We can decide what to keep or not to keep later on."

"I'm glad you decided to stay home too," Timmy spoke up. "We could see how stressed out you were getting. I wanted to say something, but I knew it wasn't my place."

"Well I am too," I told them both. "I just felt I should stay because I need my education, but it really was getting to be too much. I know I am going to miss everyone too. It was really hard to say good-bye to a lot of people but I will see them again."

I thought back to Claire. She was someone who I didn't talk to very often, but she had sobbed in my arms. I didn't think it was just because I was leaving but because she'd dumped Morgan as well. After being together for almost five years, they had ended it. I'd known it was going to happen. I hadn't said anything but I could see the tension between them even from the year before. Neither one would say anything because they had been together for so long. Ben revealed that she had been talking to him for a while, and it was why he'd been jealous of Ashley hanging out with other blokes.

I was worried about Ben and Ashley as well, but for a different reason. Neither had came to me about it, but I knew they were fighting. All of us Hufflepuff's hung out together, but they hadn't spoke to each other when we were together. They didn't disappear to be alone together anymore, which was definitely a red flag. A lot of the time she slept in his dorm, but she hadn't in a while. The two of them hadn't said a word on the train either. I really hoped they would throw away a good relationship just because they were both too stubborn to talk to each other.

"And now I can take care of you," mum said breaking into my thoughts. "I am taking a leave of absence from work for the first few months."

"You can do that?" I asked.

"Yes, I've never really taken time off... well except when we were in hiding, but they were understanding about that of course. I'll stay home with you until the baby is a month old," she told me. "I'm going to work until shortly into the new year. We have a good savings right now so we can afford for me to take time off," mum told me.

"Maybe I could have a tutor for a few months to help Ellen too," Timmy said.

Mum pulled into the underground parking and into our parking spot. She didn't answer Timmy at first and so he questioned her again. I really hoped she wouldn't let him stay. I loved my brother and I did appreciate the gesture, but I just thought he should be at school.

"I think it's best if you return dear," mum said. "I don't you to miss a few months of school. You'll get to see the baby on the holidays. She'll have enough help here."

"I appreciate it Timmy, but you should be in school," I added.

Timmy sighed. "I just want the baby to know his or her uncle."

"And the baby will," mum said. "You don't have to worry about that. The baby will remember you once he or she is old enough."

"But I won't see the baby full time until I'm done school," Timmy said.

"Hayden know's who Ashley is and she only sees him sometimes," I told him. "Minnie knows who Ben is as well. Don't worry, I am going to get you to baby-sit whenever you're home."

"And I will," Timmy said happily. "I can't wait to baby-sit."

"We'll see how you feel after you've changed a diaper," mum said laughing.

Mum was right. The moment we entered the apartment, I noticed it right away. Our balcony was off from the den and mum had put new curtains over it. They looked quite thick and they were white with yellow ducks on them. They covered the doors completely so that no light came in. Mum used to like the natural lighting, but she'd obviously changed her mind. She'd also decorated the walls with a light yellow colour. There was a crib not too far from the doors. There was a changing table and a toy box.

"We don't have to keep the yellow," mum told me as I took it all in.

"No, I love it," I said. "I like all of it."

"It's not completely done. We can add more to it, but I wanted a small set up. I still need to get a dresser for the baby's clothes. I have a feeling for the first month or so you'll want the baby in your room, but for as long as you live here, the baby can sleep in the den," mum said.

"Can I at least help with that?" Timmy asked. "We can do that over the holidays can't we?"

"You can help decorate," I told him.

"When do we find out what the baby is?" Timmy pressed.

"My appointment is next Thursday," I told him. "So we'll know then."

"For now, I want you to sit down," mum told me. "If you need to freshen up, that is fine but I want you off your feet. I want you to relax for the next few months. Once the baby is here, you won't be doing much relaxing and you won't be getting much sleep."

"I don't anyway," I said. "She is moving a lot more than usual. It went from a fluttering feeling to what feels like dancing. I always have to pee too."

"Is she moving right now?" Timmy asked. "I still haven't felt the baby."

"Well if you want, I can wake you at five in the morning," I said. "That's when she is most active. That's what Ashley had me do. She told me to wake her up at five just so she could feel the baby. Same with Keith."

"Yes, I can fall back to sleep easily. When you wake up at five then you can come wake me up," Timmy said. "I want to feel the baby kick."

"Well just don't be too grouchy," I warned him.

"I won't be!" And without another word, he took a hold of his trunk and my own to drag them down the hall to our rooms.

After a quick bathroom break, I went and sat down on the couch. I sighed with relief. Yes, I would miss Hogwarts greatly, but just being in my apartment again, I felt a lot of stress leave. Perhaps it was seeing the den all made up for the baby that really helped. Mum turned on the telly and put on one of my favourite programmes. When Timmy returned, he grabbed an old foot stool he liked to sit on and pushed it over for me to my feet up. I didn't want to take advantage of their kindness, but at the same I felt I could get used to the pampering. I would of course do what I could for myself, but I wasn't going to argue with this either.

"I read that sometimes some pregnant women need a pillow for their back too," Timmy said. "Do you need one?"

"You've done enough," I told him. "I am comfortable for now. I don't want you doing too much for me."

"I am going to do as much as I can while I am at home," Timmy told me. "Just because we didn't hang out at school, it doesn't mean I didn't notice how stressed you were. I also know that the girls were mean to you. I know you hate Tracy, but she did stick up for you a lot."

"I know she did," I said. "I don't like her, but she actually was good about that. I'll have to remember to thank her."

"Well she'll be here for- well she'll likely be here," Timmy said.

"Here for what?" I asked.

"For a sleep-over," mum called from the kitchen.

"I just changed what I was saying because of the diary incident," Timmy said quickly.

"Tracy and me talked about that," I said. "I still dislike her a lot, but we did talk about that. I've learned to accept her as your friend and now that I am done school, I can ignore her even more now."

"She really is changing," Timmy said.

"Well as long as she is polite when she is here," mum said coming into the living-room. "Timmy, if you have any school work, I would like for you to get started on it."

"Even tonight?" Timmy asked.

"Yes, even tonight. You don't have to do it all. You know the deal. It's one class per day at least. I know it's also only Christmas, but I do want you to start thinking about what classes you are taking next year," mum continued.

"I know Arithmancy for sure," Timmy said. "Probably Ancient Runes too, but I don't know yet. June thinks she wants to take all the classes but we don't think she should. I'll work on Transfiguration then. It's the hardest one I have to do. The rest will be easy."

He got up and headed to his room without another word.

It showed just how different Timmy was at twelve than I was at twelve. I would have thrown a fit. In fact, I was sure I had. Mum had likely threatened me that I couldn't go to Ashley's New Years party or something. I really couldn't remember but I knew I would have fought mum on it because I always did. The teachers hadn't sent any homework with me since I wouldn't be returning. Dad had sent them all the name of my tutor. They had given me some reading information, and some recommended pages in my textbooks, but that was it. I figured I could do that later on. I hoped mum wouldn't expect me to read it at that moment anyway.

"I don't have homework," I told mum quickly. "The teachers do have some reading for me, but it's not due or anything."

"I know and I'm not worried about that," mum said. "The tutor is letting you work on things on your own time. He just wants to prepare you for your exams without too much pressure."

"I wish I had him then," Timmy said returning with his Transfiguration textbook, some parchment and quills and ink. "I think less pressure might be better."

"Well maybe depending on how well he does with Ellen, we'll hire him back the summer before your fifth year," mum told him. "But you do know the circumstances Timmy."

"I know, I know," Timmy said with a sigh. "It's just that I do work hard and I get good grades, and then we get even more work. I'd love it if I could do it on my own time."

"Wait until fifth year," I told him. "You won't even finish one essay before there is another. Second year will seem like a breeze. I hated it when I had to admit that Ben was right, but he most certainly was."

"Tracy thinks there should be another way to do it," Timmy said as he set everything up. Mum returned to the kitchen and Timmy sat on the floor in front of the table. I had a feeling she didn't want to hear about Tracy. "She thinks that there should be another way for fifth years other than to pile up a bunch of homework on them."

"For once I agree with Tracy. Sam, Ben's younger cousin thinks the same thing," I said. "Even with NEWTs they are doing the same thing. I understand we have a lot of studying to do for our exams, but the way they do it at Hogwarts doesn't seem right."

The teachers obviously didn't agree though with us though. The system had been set up that way for as long as the school had been open. I was assuming that anyway. If it had worked for the last one thousand years, they weren't going to change it now. I figured my brother could handle it better than I had.

"I should write to Ashley," I said after a while. "I think her and Ben are fighting."

I went to get up to get my parchment, but Timmy jumped up before I could.

"I'll get it!" He said and before I could even tell him where it was, he ran off. I shook my head with a smile and relaxed again. I figured he'd be gone for a while, but he returned quite quickly with my parchment and an old muggle pen.

"How did you find it so quickly?" I asked him. "It was in my trunk."

"I put some of your stuff away for you," Timmy said. "I didn't touch any of your personal stuff. You had all of your books at the top. I just put it all on your desk and your parchment was with your books. I hope you're not angry. I was just trying to help."

"I'm not angry," I said and I took the parchment from him. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

I hesitated before I wrote to her. I decided to wait before I asked her about Ben. Perhaps they had already made up. I knew that neither had told me because they were keeping it from me, but because they didn't want to worry me. Everyone was doing everything they could to keep me from being stressed. I did wonder if they had told Michael about it. So instead of asking her about Ben, I decided just to tell her to keep in touch and that she could come over if she wanted. No one was home at her place again.

"Did she say anything?" Timmy asked who had returned to the floor.

"I didn't ask. I'll let her tell me," I told him.

"I hope they don't break up. Ben has that ring and everything," Timmy said.

Mum came into the living-room levitating three plates. She set one beside Timmy, one flew over to me, and she sat down with her own.

"They won't let it end over one fight," mum said. "I am guessing this is their biggest fight," and she summoned the remote to her and changed it to the news. "Every couple has their biggest fight around this time. If they are a strong couple they'll move past it. If they aren't, they'll let their relationship go. I doubt either of them are willing to end it, especially if Ben has bought her that ring."

"But they have communication issues," I said. "They've worked on it a bit, but not completely."

"And if they make up, they'll continue to work on it," mum said. "Relationships are always hard work Ellen. It isn't a happily ever after once you get married. They'll fight and make up and they'll fight again. They'll always have issues to work on. That's what relationships are all about. It will be the same with you and Keith. You two haven't even fought yet."

"And you think we'll have a big huge fight?" I asked mum.

"Yes, eventually you will. If anyone tells you that they don't fight in their relationships, they are lying. I am sure you had that with your other relationships," mum said. "You and Keith love each other, but you've always been together for a year and now you have a baby on the way. Eventually, you two have a major fight, you'll make up and you'll learn from it. It's the same with Ben and Ashley."

"They actually do fight a lot," Timmy said.

"Not like this," I said. "They have disagreements but it's been over a week since they've talked. I don't even know what it's about since no one told me. I'm willing to bet that it was because they are overly stressed and they took it out on each other. They don't communicate and they are worried about relying on each other too much, and so they don't speak up. Ashley worries about stressing out Ben, and she also wants her independence. Ben just doesn't like fighting with her, so he holds back. They need to learn to get past that before he proposes."

"And they will," mum said. "Don't worry too much about them right now. If they want to talk to you, they will."

I wasn't so sure about that, but I didn't say anything. I just began eating. If I didn't hear from Ashley about the fight by my appointment, I would talk to her about it. It was hard not to worry about them though. I'd gone from wanting them to be apart to hoping they'd make things work and eventually marry and have their own babies. We had to raise our kids together.

My appointment at St. Mungo's was early in the morning. It was the best time for everyone. Mum and dad had to work, and Keith had to work at the Dragons Breath later that day too. So he wanted to spend the day with me before we went. Timmy was also considering going to one of his friends as well. So the morning worked out. I was just excited to finally find out what I was having, so I would have gone at five in the morning.

Dad was already at St. Mungo's when we arrived. He stood up and hesitated before he held his arms out. I wasn't sure if Timmy would hug him, but I figured if I did it first then my brother would afterwards. So I walked over and let him embrace me. It still felt odd. The moment we hugged, the baby decided to kick. Dad started to laugh and then he pulled away.

"I suppose the baby isn't read to meet her grandfather yet," dad said. "I guess that is well deserved."

"What happened?" Timmy asked as I started to laugh as well. It was funny after all. The baby was getting a kick in for us apparently.

"The baby kicked dad," I said before moving over to Keith. "She is still moving. Feel her."

"I want to!" Timmy said and he rushed over to put a hand over my belly.

"That is so brilliant," he said moments later and then he removed his hand.

"Do I get a hug?" Dad asked Timmy.

Timmy sighed and then gave a small shrug. He stepped over to give him a quick hug and then hurried to sit down beside mum who had already taken a seat.

"Guess she knows that we're going to try and see her soon," Keith said with amusement. "She is never this active at this time of day."

"I know. Normally it's at night or very early in the morning," I told him.

We walked over to sit with dad. I could tell he was disappointed by Timmy's small hug, but he had to realize that it was improvement. In the summer, Timmy wouldn't even go near him.

"You know you can't keep calling the baby a she once we find out you're having my nephew," Timmy said. "You have to have a boy because I have a bet that's what you're having. So keep thinking it's a boy."

"Timmy, the gender was decided months ago. I forget when it was, but I think basically once the cells formed," I said with amusement. "I can't just will it to be a boy now. Healer Smeck knew the gender the last time I was here. So it's not going to change now."

"I know. I've been reading up on the baby. It was determined right at conception," Timmy told me. "It's just fun to think about and I still say it's a boy."

Thankfully, we didn't have to wait long. Mum told me that the times at St. Mungo's seemed to be quicker than at a muggle place. We never had to wait long. Healer Smeck did all of the checks first, so everyone had to wait in the waiting room, but then she invited everyone in once I was all dressed again. She made the latest ultrasound picture. Dad seemed amazed by the sound of the heartbeat, but I remembered that he hadn't heard it before. This was the first time he'd been at St. Mungo's for a baby after all.

"So are we ready to hear the gender?" Healer Smeck asked us.

Timmy answered for me. He jumped up from the chair excitedly. "Yes, let's finally know! We've wanted to know since we knew about the baby!"

"Ditto," I answered and everyone else nodded in agreement.

"You are expecting a little girl," Healer Smeck said.

"So it's Michelle then," I said. "We're going to meet Michelle in a few months."

I didn't even realize I was crying until Keith reached over to wipe them away. He kissed my cheek. I could see everyone else was beaming as well. Timmy didn't seem disappointed at all that he wasn't getting his nephew. His eyes were shining too. I was shocked to even see it in dad's eyes. That truly showed how much he loved us, and this new baby. He wouldn't be this happy if he didn't care about us.

After we had our ultrasound pictures, and I was given my next appointment date, we headed out to the waiting room.

"Congratulations honey," he said to me and he moved forward to hug me. I was glad he didn't ask permission this time. "You're going to make an amazing mother."

"I guess Michelle doesn't mind this time," I said as he hugged me. She was still moving around, but she wasn't kicking.

"Guess not," dad said and he pulled away. "I hate to show and then run, but I do have to work Ellen. I am coming back to see you and Timmy however. I wouldn't also mind having you over for a night Timmy," he added to Timmy. "Only if you want to. I'll be seeing your sister quite a bit but you will be going back to school soon."

"I'll think about it," Timmy told him. "It can't be New Years. Maybe after Christmas I can come over for a night. What is my old room like? I know you let that boy sleep in there."

"It's as if you never left," dad said. "I made sure to restore it as much as I could and none of his things are there. Most of that stuff is from when you were a little boy. You've outgrown everything."

"That doesn't matter," Timmy said. "As long it's mine and it's there."

"I have a really big telly now," dad continued. "It's a flat screen TV and it's fifty-five inches."

"Fifty-five!" Timmy said with amazement. "That is big! We only have a twenty-four inch telly. That must be brilliant to watch! I'll come over."

I could see mum shaking her head, but she looked amused. Of all the things to get Timmy to go over, it was a big Telly. I had a feeling he was going to beg mum to get a bigger one too.

"Well then I'll see you after Christmas then," he said and then he looked at mum. "We'll discuss the dates of course."

"What about me?" I couldn't help but ask. I wasn't sure about going over, but I wanted to see him for at least Christmas and I told him this much.

"Why don't you come over Christmas to drop off the presents? You can spend some time with the kids and then take Timmy with you," mum said. "We are doing our Christmas dinner on the twenty-fourth this year anyway. So you can come on the twenty-fifth. That is, if you don't have other plans."

"My parents are off in the Carribean," dad replied. "They've been going off there for the last five years. Usually I do my own thing on Christmas anyway."

I almost threw in a jab that he'd likely spend the last couple of Christmases with the other family, but I bit my tongue. There was no point in doing or saying anything I might regret. I figured everyone else was likely thinking the same thing, but thankfully no one else spoke up either.

"So we'll see you on Sunday then," mum said. "I have to get going as well. You two can get Timmy back home, can't you?"

"We can apparate mum," I reminded her. "Don't worry. Besides, we promised Timmy we'd take him out for lunch and we'd go shopping as well. Someone waited until the last minute to do their Christmas shopping."

"I don't have the luxury of going to Hogsmeade," Timmy said. "And owl order isn't convenient when you are with your friends. Remember you were twelve once Ellen."

"True," I said and I turned to mum. "We're going to Diagon Alley to do some shopping."

"Just be careful," mum said. "They may have caught those people, but some of them are still on the run."

"Mum, they aren't going to be hiding out in Diagon Alley if they are on the run. It's something I disagree with Ben about when it comes to Ashley. He won't let her go down there."

"After her leg was broken, I don't blame them," dad replied.

I wondered how he knew about that. I raised my eyebrows at him and smiled.

"I haven't been dead Ellen," he said. "I do agree with your mum. I did see one of them in Diagon Alley not that long ago. He isn't on the run, but he was part of that group. I did tell Harry about it because he was there too, but apparently he wasn't suspicious enough to investigate. Anyway, I do have to run. I'll see you Sunday afternoon."

He turned on the spot and disappeared with a loud crack.

"I do have to get going too," mum said. "Please be careful in Diagon Alley. If you can Ellen, start dinner. If you can't, I will when I get home."

"I'm pregnant mum, not helpless. I'll make dinner," I told her.

"And I can help," Timmy said.

"Thank you," mum said. "I'll see you later. Can I tell my co-workers Ellen?"

"Yes," I answered. "I plan to tell everyone as soon as I can. I'm telling Ashley first and then everyone else."

Mum nodded and then moments later apparated on the spot. Keith decided to apparate us next. I could do it on my own, but I still didn't feel comfortable on my own while I was pregnant. I decided until I was no longer pregnant, I would let someone else help me. No one seemed to mind so far, and I doubted I'd do much apparition in the next few months.

"Are we eating here?" Timmy asked the moment we appeared in The Leaky Cauldron's apparition area.

"Yes," I answered.

"Can I get a butterbeer then?" He asked.

"Yes," I answered. "I'll get one too."

"We'll just get a pitcher," Keith said and led us over to a table. "Order whatever you want, it's on me."

"I have money," Timmy informed him. "I can order for myself."

"How do you have money?" I asked him.

"Allowance and years of birthday money," he told me. "Where else would I have spent it? I've always just saved it and mum never let me use it for school. So I have money to spend. Besides, I did do odd jobs around the apartment building. Some old ladies paid me to help them out. Mum converted it to gold. I plan to do that this summer, and maybe some baby-sitting too. I want money for Hogsmeade next year."

"Why don't you keep that for now then?" Keith asked Timmy. "Save it for your gifts. You have five people and whoever else to buy gifts for. I'll pay for lunch today. You should save all your money for next year. You'll need to pay for all the dates you'll have."

"I don't know..." Timmy said slowly. "I just don't like other people paying for me."

"You'll pay us back by baby-sitting," Keith told him.

"Okay," Timmy said. "But not all the time we go out okay? I can pay for myself."

"I know you can," Keith said. "This doesn't hurt your ego does it?"

I knew he was joking with the last bit and I was sure Timmy did too.

"No," Timmy replied good-naturedly. "It's just that even though dad was a prat the last few years, he did teach me that I shouldn't let other people pay for me. That is something I've always agreed with, especially once I grew up with a single mum. It's not about my pride or my ego. It's just how I feel. I do appreciate you paying for me Keith."

"Good, now that we have that settled, let's look at the menu's," Keith said and he nodded at the menu's that a waitress handed us.

"What can I get you to drink?" She asked us. I glanced at her name tag to see that her name was Betty.

"We'll start with a pitcher of butterbeer," Keith told her.

"Is butterbeer safe?" She asked and she glanced down my belly. She wore a smirk on her face and I felt instant dislike for her. She was young. I figured she was a few years older than us. She had likely even gone to school with us.

"Yes it is," I said sweetly but I felt ready to cry.

"That's good. Looks like Quidditch is over," she said and then walked off.

Keith glared after her. "Very unprofessional. I'm talking to Hannah before we go. I remember her. She is four years older. We were in the third year when she was a seventh year."

"And she ended up working here apparently," Timmy said glaring after her. "Don't let her get to you Ellen. Don't let her ruin our day!"

I knew Timmy was right, so I blinked back my tears and I looked through the menu. He had a point after all. She was working as a waitress in The Leaky Cauldron. It wasn't that it was exactly a bad thing, but she couldn't look down on me either. She obviously hadn't done much since she'd left Hogwarts either, and for all we knew, she had some sprogs of her own.

When she returned to take our orders, thankfully she didn't make anymore comments. It ended up being a pleasant lunch, but Keith did go talk to Hannah before we went to Diagon Alley.

"Can I please go on my own?" Timmy asked as soon as were in Diagon Alley. "I'll be fine on my own. I want to get your gifts too, and it doesn't work when you're with me. You went on your own with your friends at my age."

I sighed, mum did want us to be careful, but on the otherhand, he did have a point. We used to hate it when we had people looking over our shoulders all the time. I understood how he felt, and I really doubted anyone was hanging out like they used to. Last year would have been to dangerous to let him go on his own, but I thought he'd be fine.

"On the condition that you don't tell mum," I said. "I trust you, and I know things are safe now but mum might stress about it. Timmy, make sure I don't regret this decision. We will meet you here at three. It is one right now. So you have two hours."

Timmy held up his watch and smiled at me. He then turned and hurried off.

"Am I doing the right thing?" I asked Keith.

"He'll be fine," Keith told me. "Dan and I hated it when we had to be with his parents all the time. They didn't let us go on our own until we were fourteen. We would have been fine at twelve. No one dangerous is around anymore."

"We went on our at twelve too," I said. "Ben's parents tried to be there too, but we were insistent. I think at twelve it's okay for kids to start having their independence around eleven or twelve. I mean, that's the age we go off to Hogwarts anyway. They need to learn to do things on their own without us."

"I agree. So do you have any last minute shopping to do? I am already done," Keith said.

"I am too. We can just hang out," I said. "We'll let Timmy have his time to shine. So we'll have to avoid the joke shop."

Keith shrugged. "I'm fine with that. I was just there not too long ago. I would actually like to Flourish and Blotts. There are a few books I need. I'd like some extra reading for Transfiguration. There are some things they won't be teaching at Hogwarts. If I am going to be in the Magical Reversal office, I need to do some extra reading. There are probably some things we see that they don't teach at Hogwarts."

The department Keith wanted to work in was part of the Misuse of Magic office. They were sent with Obliviators if magic was performed in front of muggles. It wasn't their only job, but it was part of it. Keith had sent in his application after we got our OWL results back. They had replied almost instantly and they'd told him that as long as he got good results on his NEWTs, he was hired. Apparently it was actually hard for them to get people to stay in that department. People usually didn't last long, so they had no problem letting a boy fresh out of Hogwarts to start. I wondered why they couldn't keep people. Keith really wanted to do it though.

"I think I'll get some extra reading too," I said. "Did I tell you that Martha said I could write? Maybe I can get some books that will help me with that. If not, I'll just get you or Timmy to bring home some of those pamphlets they put out after the Easter Break. I can find something else to do. There could even be something I could do with Herbology."

"You don't sound enthusiastic," Keith said as we entered the book store.

"I like Herbology, I just don't know about making a career out of it," I answered. "I think it's more of a hobby for me. Maybe someday we can get a greenhouse or something. I would never want to be a teacher, but Neville is teaching Herbology anyway. The most I can do is work in some green house full time, and I don't like that."

"So you know to cross that off your list," Keith said. "You'll think of something. You don't have to work right away. I am not worried about that. I don't want you to end up doing something you'll be unhappy with. Even if you don't work I'll be okay with it."

"No, I need to do something eventually," I said. "I'm okay with being a stay at home mom at first, but not forever."

"And in the mean time, you can do some soul searching," Keith said. "I'll always support you Ellen."

Keith was already talking as if we were married or something. I remembered what mum said about a big fight eventually happening between us. We loved each other right now, and now we had a baby on the way, but that didn't mean anything. Claire and Morgan had loved each other at one time as well. We were bonded for life because of the baby, but that didn't mean we'd always be together.

I found some books on writing articles, so I grabbed them. I figured it wouldn't hurt to do some extra reading on it. If I didn't like them, I could sell them later on. For the first time ever, I actually paid attention to the books in Flourish and Blotts. I'd always just grabbed my school books and ignored the rest. Now however, I looked at other titles. Something else might have caught my eye while I was there.

After we left the bookstore, we just browsed around until three. We ended up losing track of time after a while. I checked my watch while Keith looked at some owls in a pet store, and I saw that it was five after three.

"Keith, we need to get going," I said and I showed him the time.

We found Timmy at the entrance tapping his foot. He had two bulging bags hanging off his arms.

"Hmm, and you said you were trusting me," Timmy said. "I've been waiting for ten minutes."

"I'm sorry mate," Keith said. "Let me take a bag and then I'll apparate us back to your place. I can hang out for a bit, but soon I'll have to get ready for work."

"We'll have to get started on dinner," I said. "I want to write to Ashley and Ben as well, and then I want to get started on some practice sheets. My teachers sent home some practice sheets for me to work on until the tutor comes. I might as well do some. I'd like to keep up with some of it."

"Well I have some homework too," Keith said with a shrug.

"Look, I know how to cook. Mum taught me," Timmy said. "I will make dinner and you two relax. I won't burn anything. I know how to read ingredients and instructions. I will call either one of you if I need help. You two tell your friends the news and I will take care of everything, okay?"

"I'm going to check on you once and a while then," Keith told him. "Let's go. Are you two ready?"

Timmy put a hand on one of his arms and I took the other. Without another word, he apparated us directly into my room. The first thing I did was hurry to grab my message parchment. I wanted to tell Ashley, Ben, then Michael. Everyone else could wait. Timmy ran straight out of my room.

"You get settled," Keith told me. "I'm just going to check on him to see what he is making. I can't stay too long, but I'll stay for a while. I'd like to tell Dan the news as well."

"Go ahead," I answered.

I made my bed more comfortable so I could lay on my back, but so I could do school work too. Once this was done, I quickly wrote Ashley the good news. I also decided to finally let her know that I knew about the fight. I was hoping they were going to make up. Once I finished with her message, I wrote to Ben next. I ended up being a bit harsh with him, but I felt that he needed it considering he had that ring. I almost decided to include the ring in my message but what if someone else read it? So I decided against it. I was sure he would understand the harshness behind my message though.

"Timmy seems to think he is going to make chicken and rice," Keith informed me as he walked back into my room.

"He'll be fine with that," I replied. "He used to help me with that and even mum. It's a simple dinner. We actually got sick of eating it because that's what I used to make all the time. Mum has a sticker on the stove for the heat, and the timer. He also used to make the rice for me all the time. Just let him be."

"Lance wouldn't know his way around the kitchen," Keith told me. He grabbed one of my desk chairs and pulled it beside my bed. He had his school bag in my room, and he summoned that over. "He once burnt soup."

I started to laugh when he said that. It took me back to our first year. I remembered Ashley telling Ben the same thing. That was back when she was still full of self-pity, and so he didn't take her seriously when she said she couldn't make a potion properly.

"I know, I know," Keith said. "But that's why I was surprised about Timmy."

"It's not that," I said and then I explained what I'd been thinking about.

Keith smiled. "Actually, I think I do recall that conversation. We didn't sit that far from you lot. I forgot how whiny Ashley used to be. Lance put on a pot of soup, and then he forgot about it. Mum decided to make him wait a few years before he can cook again."

"Timmy wants to do so well that I imagine he'll be fine," I said. "And likely mum already had the chicken out anyway."

"She did," Keith replied. "So what practice sheets are you going to work on? I never imagined that you do school work voluntarily."

"Neither did I," I replied. "It's just some Potion's work Professor Martin gave me. He said I can study the seventh year work on my own. He said I am ready for it, but to make sure I read over the sixth year work as well. So that's what I am going to do. It's the class I have to work the hardest on. The rest of them I'll be fine in, but I have two years of study to do. Care of Magical Creatures is simple enough."

"I don't understand why you are continuing with it at all," Keith said. "You only took it for Quidditch but obviously you don't need it anymore. You should be focusing on the other classes."

"I've taken it this far, I might as well complete it," I told him. "I know I don't need it. Don't tell Ashley this because I don't feel like having her say: 'I told you so,' but I see her point now. I finally understand why she took all those classes."

"Speaking of Ashley, did she reply back? Did she anything about their fight?" Keith asked. "I can't imagine those two fighting. I didn't notice anything."

"I don't think anyone did. People asked them on the train about babies," I said. "And obviously they are keeping the fight secret since they responded. I could tell in their voices that the conversation that they were awkward and unhappy with it, especially Ben. He sounded depressed."

"They likely won't break up," Keith said. "Especially if he bought her a ring. He won't throw that away over one fight."

"I just wish I knew what happened," I said and then I gazed down at my parchment to see some words appear on it. Ashley had gotten back to me.

Congratulations. I knew you were going to have a girl. Any names yet? Ben and I have made up. I didn't even know you knew we were fighting. He wants to know if we can come over. He's just gone back to his place really quick.

"Looks like they made up, and they are going to come over," I told Keith.

"Good," he said. "I figured they would have. They probably just didn't want to draw attention to it."

I quickly wrote back to her to tell her she could come over and to ask what had happened. I couldn't wait to see them both. I had to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't see them after the holidays. They would be going back to school. They would come back for the birth of Michelle, but they'd be gone again, and likely they'd stay for Easter. I would see them in the summer, but then they'd be off travelling. That made me feel sad. I tried not to think about it too much however. Someday we'd all see each other whenever we wanted.

We're still trying to figure that out. We were getting along just fine and then we just started to fight. Ben says maybe we're just both stressed and we needed to vent, but I am not so sure. We're going to talk longer tonight about everything. We have a promise with each other that we'll always communicate everything and that we'll always listen to each other. We have kept that promise so far, but there is still obviously something that isn't right. Ben came over today to talk to me. When we come over, we'll tell you more.

I read the message out to Keith before I quickly wrote back to her.

Sounds good. Just apparate straight into my room.

"Probably just seventh year stress," Keith said. "And they were holding back everything. Ashley is doing far too much with school and Head duties. And Ben is being Ben. They say they are communicating, but obviously not well enough."

"We'll try to find out more from them when they come over," I said.

"You're worrying about their relationship too much," Keith said.

"They're my friends and I worry about them just as they do for me," I said. "And often I feel guilty with their relationship because of the past. I just want them to work out now."

"But it won't be your fault if they don't," Keith said.

"I know," I answered. "Look, let's just get ready for their visit okay? There is no reason besides that."

"I just don't want you stressing Ellen," Keith told me. "You're supposed to be relaxing and while I am home, I am going to do what I can to keep you relaxed. I like Ashley and Ben, but they are the least of my concerns. You and that baby are my concerns. So just promise you won't stress too much."

"I won't, I promise," I said.

How had I managed to be this lucky to meet a man who loved me so much? I smiled at him promising him inwardly that I would never take him for granted.

Ashley, Ben and Michael took me out for lunch the day before Christmas. Mum didn't seem to mind that this changed our Christmas plans. She just told me to go without hesitation. She didn't even seem upset and Timmy didn't seem surprised. This seemed odd to me. Normally mum wouldn't want Christmas ruined. So why did she not care that we were going out for lunch?

I didn't have time to dwell on it for long. Michael as usual seemed sad and left out, so even though the lunch was supposed to be about me, it ended up being about reassuring Michael. I honestly didn't mind this because I just wanted us to set things right with him. We even finally admitted to him that we should never have put him on probation. We shouldn't have. I could fully admit to that now. We were dumb kids back then and we should have handled his problems a lot better.

I just hated to see the broken man in front of me. He knew that eventually Ashley and Ben would get engaged, and Keith and me had a baby on the way. He didn't have anyone at the moment. He also thought that he didn't have a family even though he did. We were his family, but he just couldn't see that at the moment. I couldn't really blame him though. I just hoped someday he'd meet the girl of his dreams, and he'd have a family someday too.

My friends walked me home afterwards, and I wasn't ready to let them go yet. I wanted to see them as much as I could between now and the time they went back to school. So I asked them if they were planning on staying for a little bit. I knew it was Christmas eve, but I was sure they could spare some time with me. Ben's family didn't have Christmas until late afternoon anyway and Ashley's parents weren't home yet.

"If you want us to," Ashley replied smiling widely. I had to wonder what that smile was about. It almost seemed excited. "We're not doing anything else today."

"Good," I answered before I turned to Michael. "And no more depressing talk," I said to him.

"Don't worry," he responded and gave me a small smile that seemed almost sad.

I opened the door and stepped into the apartment. The living-room was full of a bunch of girls from the seventh year, the younger girls including Martha, June, Sally-Anne and Alana. There were also my relatives and some of Keith's relatives. I let out a gasp as I took it all in. They had decorated the room and now I knew what the lunch had been all about. Now I understood why mum had said that we were going to have Christmas on the twenty-fourth.

"SURPRISE! HAPPY BABY SHOWER!" They all shouted.

I turned to my friends. "You knew, didn't you?" I asked them.

"It's all down to our Head Girl and your mother," Ben answered with a grin.

I looked at Ashley and smiled.

"Thank you," I said to her and I felt tears in my eyes. "I love you, you know that," and then I leaned over to hug her. Of course she had been behind this. If I had to guess, she had started back in the summer. It was why she kept disappearing to talk to my mother.

"Come sit down dear," mum called to me and she pointed to our empty armchair.

I walked over to sit down taking in all the grinning faces around me. I wasn't too surprised to see that Tracy wasn't there. Either they had left her out on purpose, or she just hadn't shown up. Either way, I was just happy that she wasn't there. I could see her ruining my day with her usual bitchiness.

"I feel so overwhelmed," I said after I'd sat down.. "Thanks everyone for being here, and so close to Christmas!"

"Of course we'd be here!" Sarah from the floor. "We're going to miss you."

"Exactly!" Anne said. "It's not going to be the same without you."

I couldn't believe the amount of gifts there were. I wondered if there was going to be enough room for everything in our apartment. It would be nice when Keith and me got our own place, but some of the stuff might not fit. I wondered if we'd have to put it in storage or something. I picked up the gift on the top of the pile, and saw it was from June. I read this out loud and then opened it up. It was a series of alphabet books. I thought it was a very thoughtful gift. As I praised her, June blushed and looked down.

I continued to read the names aloud as I opened each gift. Everyone there had really put a lot of thought into their gifts. Some people had obviously waited until after I found out the gender because they'd bought me some pink things. Other people had just decided to go with baby toys or even toddler things. Michelle was going to be set for clothing and toys for a good couple of years, and she wasn't even born yet. The older toys we could put into storage. I would keep everything we needed for her first year around, but some of the toys went right up to the ages three or four. I was grateful for that of course.

After I opened all of the gifts, we played some baby shower games. They were silly things like baby shower bingo. I started to get really tired as late afternoon set in. I was also very hungry as well. We'd been munching all day on snacks, but I wanted a real meal. My grandmother seemed to sense that I was tired because she set up a footspa for me that the Andrew twins had bought.

I was relieved when people started to say good-bye. I really enjoyed the day, but I just wanted to relax now. I would miss all the girls, but I was happy when it was just Michael, Ben and Ashley and Keith's mum. Timmy's friends remained as well, but it was because he was letting them stay over, which was a surprise given that the next day was Christmas.

"We don't do Christmas and presents until later in the day," Sally-Anne explained to me when I questioned this. "We stopped doing the early morning presents once I stopped believing in Santa."

"Same with us. We wait for our relatives to come over," June answered. "It's the same with everyone else. Last year we didn't even do Christmas until the twenty-seventh! It's when it is the most convenient for everyone. Christmas after all is just a date. It's the family that makes it Christmas."

"Besides, mum and dad seem to have some big Christmas surprise for me, and they seemed more than happy to have me stay over here," Sally-Anne added.

"It was harder to convince Colin's and Jerry's parents," Timmy said. "But they gave in after awhile. As long as they are home by noon and mum brings them, it's fine."

"Did you enjoy yourself?" Mum asked me.

"I loved it, but it felt like a long day," I told mum.

"You got a lot of nice stuff though," Ashley responded.. "So you were definitely shocked?"

"I definitely was," I answered her. "I had no idea you were planning this."

"We've been planning it since the summer," mum said confirming what I had thought earlier. "It was a great turn out."

"Speaking of which," Ashley said. "Why didn't Tracy show up?"

"Who knows," June answered quietly. "We sent her a message on the parchment but she didn't respond back."

"Best without her anyway," mum said. "I really dislike that little girl."

"She's gotten a bit better," Sally-Anne said. "We talked to her about being rude, but sometimes I think she can't help it. We'll talk to her again. She should have told us that she wasn't coming."

"I don't care," I said and I really didn't. It didn't surprise that she would blow the day off. She didn't like me and I didn't like her. I had a feeling that Ashley or mum invited her just because they let Sally-Anne and June come. I thought about Keith who had to work that day. "I hope Keith will be off work soon. I can't wait for him to see everything we got."

"I think he's working until six," Keith's mum said to me. I checked my watch to see that it was only five. She then turned to my mum. "We can store some of the stuff at our place if you need us to. There are a lot of things the baby won't need. We can keep it until the kids get their own place."

"That is fine with me," mum answered her. "I can see where we can put some of the stuff for the nursery."

"Such as the dresser against that wall?" Keith's mum said. "I think there will be room there. And there is room right there for the cradle, unless Ellen keeps that in her room."

"And of course you should take the duplicates," mum told her and there were a lot of duplicates. I figured if it didn't go to Keith's parents place, dad could take them or we could leave some of them here when Keith and me moved out.

There was a loud knock on the door while they discussed this. Timmy got up quickly. He'd been looking through the gifts moments before. He hurried over to answer the door. I didn't know who it was. I told Keith he could apparate here anytime. He didn't have to knock. It was the same with my friends. All they had to do was let us know they were coming first.

"There you are," I heard him say and I knew automatically that it was Tracy before I even saw her. I was hoping she wouldn't come at all. "Where were you?" He asked sounding annoyed.

Tracy entered the apartment with a gift. I was surprised she had actually decided to buy something for me. I was curious about what she would have bought for me and my baby.

"The invitation said it was today," she answered indifferently. "I am here."

"The baby shower was at one," Timmy told her.

"It's fine," I said not wanting to listen to them argue. I really didn't care. She would have likely been rude to my guests. Right now she'd probably just hang out with the girls and my brother. I wouldn't have to deal with her.

"Look, mum wouldn't let me come until I did my potions essay. She isn't happy with my grades at all," Tracy answered as she handed me the gift. "I just hate doing the essays. If I can do the spells I don't see why I should have to do the school work."

I heard Ashley say something Ben, and I had a feeling she was comparing her to me at that age. She wasn't wrong. I just hadn't been so bitchy about it. Although I disliked the girl, I figured that I would give her some words of advice. She didn't want to be in my situation, and she very well could be. She was already all over boys. She might not have the support I had.

"Believe me, you don't want that kind of attitude," I told her. "I had that kind of attitude and I failed my OWLs."

"But it's hard," Tracy protested.

"It's only going to get harder." I said. "Take it from me. I had the same exact attitude as you. In fact, I had it until last year! You're only in second year, you can change still. I'm not saying you need to be nose to the grindstone like my brother but you just need to put effort in it. You don't want to get T's on your OWLs."

"What kind of idiot gets T's on their OWLs?" Tracy asked and I knew that was a jab. I was too tired to get into it with her though.

"The kind who doesn't take their essays seriously," I answered. "Ask Ben. He can tell you all about it."

"Girls, let's just go to my room," Timmy finally said. "Tell me when the boys get here."

"Was I that bad?" Ellen asked as soon as they were gone. It wasn't to anyone in particular.

"Yes," Ben, Michael and Ashley all answered at the same time.

"Well you weren't nasty about it though," Ashley amended. "You were just really stubborn about it."

"It's amazing how much I can see so much of us in them," Michael said. "Timmy reminds me of Ben, June of Ashley, Tracy somewhat of Ellen, and Colin reminds me of me."

"I don't like being compared to that girl," I said with some indignation. "The only similarities we have are our attitudes about homework. Other than that, we aren't the same. I was never as nasty and rude as she is."

I saw my friends exchange looks. What was that about? I didn't ask because I didn't want to be stressed out so I kept my mouth shut about it. It wasn't worth fighting with my friends, especially since they would be gone soon.

"Well dear, I am going to get going as well," Keith's mum said to me. "Once you go through everything, let us know what you want to do with it."

"We will, you can some of the duplicates now if you'd like," mum said. "I know you'll want Michelle over a lot as well."

"We should keep some of them," I spoke up quickly as there was a knock on the door. Ashley hurried to go answer. "I want some stuff to stay here when Keith and me get our own place."

"We can always buy extra stuff too," mum told me. "Don't worry about any of that. I'm going to turn your room into a room for her, and of course for other future grandchildren. We don't only have to rely on these things. I do have money honey."

"So do we," Keith's mum added. "Don't stress about any of that. We've bought plenty of things too. All of this is for you and the baby. Anything else, we will get ourselves."

I watched as Ashley led Jerry and Colin through the living-room and down the hall. I was still surprised that these kids parents were letting them stay the night on Christmas eve.

"Since when do we have sleep-overs on Christmas eve?" I couldn't help but ask. "I'm not complaining, but we never would have been allowed at twelve."

Mum just shrugged. "Timmy is probably going to be at your fathers for most of the week, but your father doesn't want them over. It was my Christmas present to him because I feel as if he has been feeling left out lately. I know he is excited about the baby, but that is all we've been talking about lately. I just wanted him to have something as well, and Sally-Anne's parents wanted her here anyway. They're buying her an owl for Christmas, but they can't get it until tomorrow morning. So they were going to have her stay at June's or Tracy's, but then Timmy came up with the idea of letting them all stay here because the baby shower was here anyway. So I let him invite whoever was allowed to stay. Surprisingly, all of their parents agreed to it. I just have to have them home before the afternoon."

"We can help with that," Ben said. "We're not having Christmas until the afternoon either. Barry and Tasha want to have an early morning with Minnie, so we aren't doing anything until they come. We can come back tomorrow morning and help get the kids home if you need us too. That way you don't have to apparate so many kids home."

"I bet Tracy's mum was all for it," I said quickly. "Her parents probably don't want her home."

Mum laughed. "Actually no, her parents were the hardest to convince, even more than Colin's, and his parents were hard to convince. I think her parents are actually more strict than we realise, and it's why she lashes out so much."

"Well her parents should be strict," Ashley said.

"I don't mean in a normal strict way," mum said. "I think they don't give her much freedom. I've had that impression when it comes to even letting her go to your parties. I had to write several letters on your behalf."

"It doesn't justify how she acts," I said.

"Of course it doesn't, but I just think there is more to Tracy then any of realize," mum said. "All four of you should know that by now. While I dislike her a lot, I still allow her to come over for Timmy, but because I know that there is probably more to her attitude than any of us or even Timmy and the others know."

"There is truth in that," Michael said. "As awful she is, you do need to remember what I was like. Or even what you were like Ellen."

"Or me," Ashley said,

"You were never really that bad," Ben said. "I mean, you had your whiny moments for sure, and ignoring us was definitely not good, but you weren't as bad as these two."

"He's right," I admitted. "You had your moments, and even Ben did but Michael and I were the worst. She'll have to do something big to redeem herself though. I know she has defended me about my pregnancy, but I don't believe it's for me. I think it's because of Timmy. She needs to do something selflessly, and something really big in my opinion."

"Well I am going to get dinner started. Are you lot staying?" Mum added to Ben, Michael and Ashley. "I need to know how much to make."

"I think we're going to get going soon," Ben told her. "I think you have enough mouths to feed today. We're going to go back to Ashley's for the night."

"It's not problem to feed extra people," mum said with a shrug but then she turned to Michael. "You're welcome to stay Michael."

Michael shook his head. "No, I'll probably just get back to the Hoofers. I'm sure Ellen wants to spend time with Keith anyway."

He still sounded depressed even though we'd tried our best to cheer him up. I wished he'd get over me and for good. I knew that's what the depression was about, or some of it.

"You can stay," I told Michael but he shook his head. "I think you've had enough company outside of Keith for today. You need to relax and enjoy your gifts. We'll see you tomorrow when we come back to take the kids home."

I actually was relieved when the three of them left, which contradicted my earlier thoughts. I did of course love them all, and I did want to see them, but Michael was right. I wanted it to just be Keith and me when we looked through our gifts as well. It was almost six by that point, so I just wanted him back with me. We could start making decisions about the baby even more now. I wanted us to start talking about our own place for real now. I didn't want us to stay with mum forever.

I debated about going to Ashley's New Years party that year. I did really want to go, but I would be around a bunch of drunk people. Could it really be fun for me when I couldn't drink? Every single person insisted I go, especially mum. I don't know why she wanted me to go so badly, but she did. Keith told me he'd stay sober with me and that we could have fun together. Ashley told me that it wouldn't be the same without me, and it was the last New Years party at her place, so I had to go. So in the end, I decided to go. I wasn't going to stay long past midnight. I knew it was going to be an exhausting evening for me.

I decided to take a nap that afternoon so I could be rested up for the evening. It turned out this was a very good idea. When Keith and I finally arrived, it was to find that it was a lot more crowded than usual. It was almost like our first few years when we went. The difference was, it was more Hogwarts people then Jaime's friends. Some of them were there, but for the most part, it seemed to be almost everyone we knew even outside of Hogwarts. Even Ben's family was there, and they never went.

"Even Brenda is here!" I said with surprise after I questioned Ashley about this.

"Like I told you," Ashley said. "It's the last one. I sent invitations to as many people as I could. Now that our parents are getting along a lot better even Ben's parents will be here. So will your mum, by the way."

"Mum is coming?" I asked. She hadn't mentioned this. "My mum is coming here?"

"Why not? She and my mum are friends now," Ashley said. "She is thankful for what my mum did. They've always gotten along, but now they are even better friends."

I had no problem with my mum being there, I just don't understand why she didn't tell me. She'd been so insistent that I do. I felt there was more to this then it being the last party of the year. Something was going on. I considered asking her, but I had a feeling that she wouldn't tell me.

"So where is she?" I asked instead. I didn't see her around. She wasn't around the adults (technically we were adults, but I considered them adults anyway)

Ashley gave a small shrug.

"But Timmy knows she is coming, so you can guarantee that this time he and his friends will behave," Ashley said referring to the last New Years party.

This raised even more red flags for me. Why did Timmy know she was coming but I didn't? Were they all planning more surprises for me? What else could they surprise me with?

Although Timmy knew mum was coming, it didn't seem to stop him from eying the alcohol when Ashley told Alana and her friends that they could try some. He looked angry when I told him to back off. I knew that next year when I was gone, he was going to drink. Chances are, he'd even try some alcohol next term and I really hoped he'd wait. I didn't want him having any that night though, and I knew mum didn't either.

Even though at first, I thought the night wasn't going to be fun for me, it turned out I was wrong. It was amusing watching a lot of the drunk people, but we were also able to dance around and have fun. I wasn't the only sober person around either. Mum arrived and hung out with Ashley's parents for most of the night. She did come over once to tell me that we'd just take Timmy and his friends back with us, but other then that, she just stayed with the parents. None of the adults interfered. I wondered why this was the first year we'd invited our parents. They likely would have had fun in previous year. Timmy likely wouldn't have set off the fireworks the year before if mum had come.

A lot of the time I had to go outside just to cool down. I wasn't sure if it was just from being pregnant or from all the people. I just knew it was way too hot in Ashley's house. I wanted to cast a cooling charm, but I knew that wasn't a good idea. So periodically, I went outside. I hated how people felt the need to watch over me when I did this. No one stopped me, but if Keith wasn't around, the other seventh years would follow me out.

Close to midnight, I saw Ashley come out, and I wondered if she was doing the same. I noticed her go over to Denver and Morgan though, so perhaps not. A lot of people were outside. As she this, Kelly walked, Ashley's old enemy walked over to me.

"How are you feeling?" She asked me. "I know how hard it can be once your about six months or so."

"I forgot you had a baby," I said to her. "How is she?"

"Pretty good. It was hard for me to get a baby-sitter tonight. I don't get many nights out. It's all school, then work and then looking after Kat for me," Kelly said. "Mum finally gave in and said she would look after her tonight though. She said I should have fun for a night. It's been years since I've been here, and it was Ashley who invited me this time."

"So do you really lose your life after having a baby?" I asked her.

"I doubt you will," Kelly said. "I'm a single mum. For all parents, their lives revolve around the baby but it's easier when you have support. Mum does help of course, but she is my responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby girl, but I do miss being a teenager. You seem as if you have a supportive father, and plenty of friends too. Trust me though, it is worth it. When you see them hit milestones, you feel good because you know it's because of you. You're responsible for this life, and so you know it's because of you that they are growing into a person. When they draw you a picture or give you sticky kisses, it really is worth it. You'll soon forget what life was like without a child."

"I've been told that by a lot of people," I said.

Ashley and Ben joined us moments later. I had a feeling they wanted me to go inside with them. I still thought that something was going to happen, and it involved a surprise for me from them. It was the only reason for why they would want our parents there too. I didn't buy the reason that it was the final New Years party at Ashley's place. For them though, I would keep my mouth shut to they could have their surprise.

"Ooh are we going in now?" I asked Ashley. I wasn't going to reveal that I knew they had a surprise for me, but I figured I'd help them out by doing what they wanted. Perhaps they were going to get everyone to shout something at midnight for me.

"Yes, we're going to go hang out by the television," Ashley said. "It's probably the last time we're going to watch the countdown on television you know. So lets go!"

She definitely was very enthusiastic about whatever it was. I could hear it in her voice and when she was excited about a surprise at times, I could tell when she was hiding something. This was one of those times. Ben was also grinning widely at me. Something was up for sure. So I gave a shrug.

"Sure, I'm cold anyway. It just gets so hot in there. I think we're going to go shortly after midnight though. We're taking Timmy and his friends with us, so there should be more room for everyone to sleep. Mum said she thought it was best. It's so crowded in here."

Ashley took me by the hand and led me into the house. She didn't let me go until we were directly in front of the telly. Something was up because the majority of the seventh years rushed into the room as well. The younger kids, except Timmy and his friends, and Alana and her friends protested when Ashley shut of their Nintendo game. They were all staring at me knowingly. Our parents were all in the room too, staring at me and not the telly. In fact, most eyes except the younger muggle kids were on me. Even Kelly and her friends, and Jaime and her friends were staring at me.

It made me very uncomfortable, especially once Ashley and Ben moved away. They went to stand with Ben's siblings. So now I was all by myself in front of the telly. The count down started, and moments later Keith appeared. He was smiling at me, he pulled out a box from his pocket and then got down on one knee. I widened my eyes. Now I understood what was going on, and now I didn't care about all of the people staring at me. My eyes were only on Keith.

Usually at the end of the count down, everyone yelled: "Happy New Year!" but only the announcer did this time. Everyone was very quiet, even the younger muggle kids.

"Ellen, I want to spend the rest of my life with. Ever since the day we got together I knew I wanted to be with you forever. Now that you are carrying the child we made by our love, I want to make us a family official. I thought tonight was the best night to ask you to be my wife. So will you marry me?" Keith asked.

I was crying already. I hadn't expected this at all. I'd assumed someday that Keith would ask me to marry him, but not tonight or any time soon. I figured it would have been sometime after Michelle came. However, he must have wanted us engaged before she was born.

"Yes Keith, I will marry you," I answered him.

Keith slid the ring on my finger and then jumped up to hug and kiss me. Around me, everyone was cheering and clapping. I couldn't believe that all of them knew, and they had all been on this. Everyone down to my little brother had known this was going to happen tonight. It was why they so insistent I be there. It was why our parents and Ben's siblings were there. It was why it was the biggest turn out since probably our second year.

People rushed over to hug us after we were done kissing. Ben and Ashley hurried over, and even though I knew they had known, I couldn't help but ask:

"Did you two know?"

They both nodded and I couldn't help but notice someone was missing.

"What about Michael? Where is Michael? I haven't seen him all night," I added.

"I'm here," we heard.

We all turned. I saw Michael staring at me, and I felt bad when I saw the look on his face. He still loved me, and it was a look of heart break. Ignoring Ashley and Ben, he walked straight over to me and hugged me tightly. Please get over me. I couldn't help but think as I hugged him back just as hard.

"We knew," Ashley told me when she hugged me even though she had nodded before. "We were with Keith when he picked out the ring. I've got to say, it's been hard keeping the secret."

"I can understand that," I told her. I truly did and I wondered when Ben was going to propose to her. He'd had the ring longer than Keith likely had. I was assuming, but I could have been wrong, that he'd picked it out during the ultrasound. After I hugged Ashley, I turned to hug Ben and then I addressed all three of them: "Thank you. All three of you have been amazing friends."

"Where have you been?" Ashley asked Michael. "I haven't seen you all night."

"With Jared and some of the muggle boys," he said. "We haven't been here all night. We left for a bit but we came back in time for the proposal. It was too crowded in here. We just hung out in Patrick's basement for a bit. I hope you're not upset."

I doubted Ashley really cared about that. I'm sure she was just asking out of curiousity. I doubted anyone could blame them for wanting to leave. It really was crowded. I could see that many people were already starting to leave. Pat, Ashley's neighbour was slowly rounding up her kids and their friends. Other people were getting ready to leave, and a few people were talking about a spot to crash for the night.

"No it's fine. You do have friends here too. I can understand it being too crowded. I guess we did have a bit too many people here. This little house can't take it," Ashley said.

"No it can't," Michael agreed as we looked around.

"It is crowded," I said with a nod. "I think we are going to get going soon, but we are going to celebrate this," I said and I held out my ring for us to admire. "Just not tonight."

I yawned, I was ready for bed. However, the people who were remaining hurried over to look at my ring. Ashley, Ben and Michael stood back. I figured I'd let these people take a look, and then we could go find Timmy and his friends and go home. I heard Barry telling my mum that they'd help with the kids, which I was grateful for. I wanted Keith or mum to take me home. So the more people to help, the better. No one would have to take more than one trip.

I was relieved when we finally could say good-bye to everyone. I really hoped mum wouldn't mind the fact that I wanted to be alone with Keith that night. I didn't want Timmy's friends in my room that night. I wanted to show my fiancé just how happy I was that we were going to spend our lives together.


	21. A New Life

A new life

It took days for me to get over my engagement. I couldn't stop smiling at first. It was very hard for me to say good-bye to Keith, and then to my friends. At least with Keith, the teachers were allowing him to come back on weekends. I wouldn't see my friends or my brother until the baby came. It seemed really odd when second term started and I wasn't going back. I knew I was going to miss it there, even if I was relieved at the same time.

"Are you going to be okay?" Mum asked me after Michael, Ashley and Ben disapparated away.

"I'll be fine. It's better this way. I am going to miss Hogwarts, but at least I am getting it over with now. The seventh years always get so weepy at the end of the school year. I mean, I am weepy but I can come to terms with it before they do. Mine is mostly hormones anyway. I'll see them in March, and then I'll see them again at Easter Break. They are all coming back to see me and Michelle," I answered her. "It will be strange because even in the summers we haven't really gone so long without seeing each other, but I'll get used to it. I am just glad I don't have to walk up and down those stairs anymore. My back gets more and more sore, and I didn't think that was possible. It got to the point where Ashley had to tie my shoes for me!"

"I do want to make sure you are relaxing," mum told me. "I am going to be working for a few more days, but then I'll be home full time to take care of you."

"I know," I said. "I do want to go out and about still mum. I don't want to be in restricted bed rest or chair rest. Healer Smeck said it's a good idea for me to still go for walks."

"Not today," mum said. "It's icy out today."

"I know," I answered. "Dad said he'd come over to walk with me too. And the tutor will be here in a few days. He wrote to me last night. He said he'd come over and that we were going to do two subjects a day. That seems a lot more relaxing than all the classes at Hogwarts. I hope it still prepares me though."

"I'm sure it will," mum said. "I've heard he is a very good tutor. I looked into it after your dad gave me the name. He hasn't has a failing student yet."

"Good," I answered. "If I can get all E's on my NEWTs I'll be happy."

I did have to wonder if this was going to be suffocating for me. I did appreciate how much mum wanted to look out for me, and at times it was nice to be waited on hand and foot, but I didn't want it all the time. I did want to get some fresh air still, and I had seen girls a lot more pregnant than me out and about. I understood why they wanted someone with me if it was icy out, but not on a mild day. Tomorrow was suppose to be a bit warmer and so the ice would melt. Thankfully mum would be at work, so I figured I could get out with her gone.

I did end up going to bed early that night, but it wasn't usual and after the emotional day I'd had, it wasn't too much of a surprise. Michelle moved around a lot more than she used to. So a lot of the time I'd wake up and then fall back to sleep. I figured this was preparing me for when Michelle did come. I'd heard it was at least every couple of hours that babies woke up, and she was already waking me up that often. Thankfully being at home meant that I could nap as much as I wanted. It could have also been why my tutor decided on two subjects a day. He knew I was into my seventh month. He had tutored other mums to be, including muggles apparently.

Michelle had me up at five as usual, but now at home I went back to bed instead of just getting up. I ended up sleeping until about eight, and I was happy to know that the apartment was empty. I hadn't had time to myself in so long. Either my friends were there, Keith was there, my brother was there or mum was. No one let me be alone, and I did still need some alone time. In March, it would be a very long time before I'd be alone again. It would be something I'd have to talk to mum about. I wanted her to know that I needed some peace too.

Michelle must have been asleep because she wasn't moving. After I used the loo, I made myself some breakfast and then watch some telly. There wasn't really anything on though, and I was sick of being cooped up inside. So I decided I could go for a walk. I figured the ice must have melted by that point, but if the streets were still icy, I'd come back.

While I was in the lift, the doors opened and I was shocked to be face to face with Zachary. It had been so long since I'd really seen him. He stared back at me in shock as he took in my appearance, but then a slow smirk appeared on his face.

"So you've finally gone and gotten yourself knocked up. I'm not surprised to be honest. Do you actually know who the father is?"

"Yes," I snapped feeling my face go red. I'd gotten away from the judgmental people. I didn't need it at home. "It's my fiances baby. I'm still with Keith."

"I've seen him around, but you haven't always been faithful," Zachary answered with a shrug. "I do remember you were with a fellow named Stan when we shagged. You're still quite hot, even with that belly. I've heard pregnant women are really horny too. If you're up for it-" I slapped him hard.

"Bloody hell Ellen!" He said angrily. "It was a joke."

"I'm not so sure it was!" I snapped angrily. "I've changed since I was fourteen. I am not going to cheat on Keith. I've always regretted that. I feel terrible for what I did. It's my biggest regret. I will never ever put Keith through that. He is the only man I've been with in the last year and a half. I love him and no one else. We weren't careful one night, and now I'm having a baby."

Zachary rolled his eyes and then sighed. "Fine, maybe I was out of line. Bloody hell you hit hard. I would shag you, so you're right. I wasn't kidding."

"Keith is the only one I am going to shag," I told him. "And I want you to go away."

"Where are you going?" Zachary asked me.

"For a walk!" I snapped. "I need to get out. I've been cooped up inside and I just need a walk."

"Well I am not doing anything," he said. "I was just going to get some groceries but that can wait. It's still kind of icy. I'll walk around with you."

"I don't need you!" I said.

"Yes well I don't want you to slip and fall. You need someone. If I had to guess, you're about seven months pregnant. I won't touch you and I'll even walk a distance from you, but I am going to stay with you," he said. "I can't live with myself if I let you go and you slip and fall."

I sighed. He had a point and I did want to go out. I wasn't going to let my stubborness get in the way.

"Fine," I answered. "But no more teasing or making shag jokes."

"I'll be a quiet escort," he said.

Despite the fact that he said he'd keep his distance, he stayed by my side as we left the lift. I honestly didn't mind this too much. I figured it would have been awkward to have him following me. I also couldn't help but wonder about his life as well. There had been a time when we'd hung out quite a bit over my holidays. So once we left our building, I asked him how his life was.

"Quite boring," he answered. "Most people have moved on to University or College or they moved away. I really don't see anyone my own age anymore. I've actually been looking for you, but I figured since you were that Keith bloke, you probably wouldn't want to talk to me."

"I don't mind talking to you if it's only just talking," I said. "I am getting married and I'm having a baby. I'm not the same person that I was two years ago. A lot has happened to change my outlook in life."

"I can see that," he answered. "What about your friend Ashley? Is she single?"

"No, she is engaged to be engaged," I answered him. "Ben bought a ring for her a year ago. He just hasn't proposed yet."

"I can understand in your situation, but I think they're too young to get engaged," Zachary replied. "I don't get why people get married so young. Aren't they only seventeen?"

"Eighteen, and if you know you're with the one, there is no point in waiting," I told him.

"How can you know who the one is at eighteen?" He asked. "I've never considered I'd find someone in secondary school."

"Most people don't," I said. "My friend Michael hasn't. Only a lucky few actually do. I never would have thought that either. Keith was the one even before I got pregnant. I knew that within a month of dating him. It was him that helped me get over Ben."

"Still seems odd to me," Zachary said with a shrug. "But then again I'm not ready to be tied down."

"So why are you still living at home?" I asked him. "You used to talk about having freedom and everything. I can't imagine you get any living at home. I know I don't. I know your parents were never strict, but still."

"I'm saving for a house," Zachary answered. "I don't want to rent a flat. I want a nice little house and outside of London. It's too expensive here."

"And why didn't you go to college or university then?" I asked him.

"Never had an idea of what I wanted to do for careers," he answered. "I don't want to work in some office. I'm a people person, so I don't mind working with customer service."

"But you could work with people if you went to college," I pointed out to him.

"Nothing that interested me," he replied back. "I have no problem with working in a restaurant. If I change my mind in the future, then I'll consider going back. Right now, I know I would be miserable to keep going to classes. I'd rather just buy a place and get my life started. Why get in debt when you don't have to be?"

"But won't you get in debt by buying a place?" I asked and Zachary laughed.

"That is different. My money is going somewhere. Why are you asking so much about school anyway? You're not going either," Zachary said.

"I'm just curious about your life," I answered but I could understand his point. I actually didn't judge people about that, even if I wasn't in my situation. I said to him and he nodded.

"I just don't see the point in being miserable in classes," Zachary answered. "I hated school so much. I think it was enough I finished school. I can save money by living at home for a few years and be comfortable. So what about you then? I mean, you're seventeen and you're pregnant. Didn't you want to try and play for a professional woman's soccer team?"

"That was just a pipe dream," I said. "Even before I got pregnant."

I didn't know enough about women's soccer teams or how they made a living or anything. It was just something I'd told Zachary when I'd told him about my love for 'soccer' and how much I loved playing. No one had questioned it, so I figured there must have been some out there.

"Glad you're figuring that out," Zachary said. "I mean, I'm sure you're good but it's not often people get picked for professional teams. So what are the plans now? How do you plan to support yourself and that baby?"

"I'm staying home for the first year," I answered. "Keith basically has a job lined up as soon as he finishes school. Someone at school suggested that maybe I could write about soccer but I am not much for writing. Keith told me to take the time to figure out. We're staying with my mum until we can save enough money to get a place. I think mum is really hoping that we'll get a flat in our building. I don't think that's a bad idea."

"And when is the wedding?" Zachary asked. "You're not planning to live with your mum as a married couple are you?"

"No," I answered. "We're staying with mum until we're married. We are thinking sometime in July. Dad asked me the other day if we'd be willing to have it in his backyard. I am still thinking about it."

"So your dad is back in your life then?" Zachary asked and I nodded.

It actually ended up being a good morning with him. By the time we got back to the building, we were talking like old friends again. I think he hoped for an invitation to the wedding, but there was no way that was going to happen. I didn't want him there, and I knew Keith definitely wouldn't. I didn't even know how he would feel about the fact that I'd been talking to Zachary. He knew all about our past after all.

After talking about my wedding with Zachary, I decided to work on wedding plans some more. Ashley of course was my Maid of Honour and I'd told her that the day before. I couldn't believe that she'd actually been surprised. There was no one else who deserved the role more. I knew it was going to be hard for her to help me plan the wedding, but I knew she'd do her best when she could. Mum and I could do most of it. I just wanted her to be up there with me when I got married.

I had also really wanted Timmy with me as well. Keith and me both wanted Lance and Timmy to stand up with us junior groomsmen. Neither wanted that role though. They both just wanted to sit and watch instead. I couldn't really blame them. Timmy would be thirteen and Lance would be twelve by that point. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed though. We were just going to use the Hufflepuff boys as groomsmen and of course Dan was Keith's best man. The entire wedding would be a Hufflepuff wedding party, and I thought it was very fitting.

Back in first year, I never would have thought all the people we'd been sorted with would be standing up with us. That had changed over the years. We were all leaving school together, and we were all becoming adults together. I felt that my wedding was the first step into all of us leaving our childhood together, and I was sure all of them agreed with this.

The tutor dad hired was very friendly (and I couldn't help but notice how handsome, even though he was older) and he was very smart. Dad had obviously did everything he could to make sure that I had a good tutor. He had taken this very seriously, and it was another step in the direction for me to forgive him. Every time he did something for me or my brother, I could feel myself even loving him again.

The tutors name was Ned Hendricks and he was a muggleborn who worked with both muggles and wizards. He tutored both and I had to wonder how he knew so much about muggles school work if he'd gone to Hogwarts. He didn't seem to like talk about himself however. He would change the subject any time I tried to ask him anything personal. He would just go back to whatever subject we were studying. He was intelligent though. I could bring up any topic in the wizarding world or the muggle world and he could rattle off facts quite quickly.

By the end of the first two weeks of working with him, I understood more about Transfiguration then I ever had in the first five years at Hogwarts.

"Why aren't you a teacher at Hogwarts?" I couldn't help but blurt out.

"Because I wanted to teach all subjects," he answered. "There really isn't that much of demand for tutors outside of Hogwarts, so it's why I chose this as a career. Now, on your OWLs-"

I couldn't help but sigh as he went back to my Transfiguration exam. I wanted to know more about this older man who I was spending every week day with for four or five hours a day (depending on his other students and how well I did) but he didn't want to discuss much outside of our sessions. I knew he had two other students at the moment besides me. They were kids whose parents had decided not to send to Hogwarts. One was a seventh year like me, and another was a fifth year. I couldn't help but wonder if the seventh year would have been a Hufflepuff like us. Would we have been friends? I thought it was shame he or she (Ned refused to tell me anything about them, including their gender) had missed out on Hogwarts.

I also wondered how he had time to tutor people, or how he managed to tutor the muggle students too. I had so many questions for this man. Perhaps they were questions I would have to ask my father. I supposed that was another reason for why he was a good teacher. He did seem passionate about teaching, and making sure that I was prepared for both my OWLs and NEWTs.

When I wasn't having my tutoring sessions, I was busy helping mum decorate Michelle's room some more. Ashley's mother had given me a cradle and I decided to keep that in my room for the time being. I could let the baby sleep in it for the first few weeks or so.

I thought I was going to be really bored, but between school work, preparing for the wedding, preparing for Michelle's arrival and all the visitors, I really wasn't. I was actually exhausted at night. Keith would come home on the weekends to visit, and at times I would fall asleep during his visit. He didn't seem to mind. I would try and convince him to stay at Hogwarts when they were having parties. He seemed a little off, and I didn't know why. At times I was worried it was because he was having cold feet or something. We never really got the chance to have deep conversations like we used to. I was too tired, or he was and our message to each other on the parchments were always short and sweet. We were both so busy.

I was also worried about Ashley. Michael was writing to me constantly and telling me that she was taking on too much, and he thought that she was skipping meals and not getting enough sleep. When I wrote to her to ask how things were going, she would tell me that things were fine. I didn't find out until later that the fifth and sixth year prefects were basically putting all their work on her, and so was Ted. So between her Head Duties, her Maid of Honour duties and her homework, she was doing way too much. It was Michael who ended up going to Professor Sprout to let her know what was going on.

As glad as I was to be at home, I wished that I was at school too. I would have stopped that from happening, and I had to wonder why Keith hadn't said anything. When I asked him, he just gave a small shrug.

"She looked exhausted, but so does everyone else. It's Seventh year," Keith said. "I haven't really been focusing in your friends to be honest. I still hang out with them at times, but I've been doing my own school work but I've also been making plans for the baby and our wedding. I've also been trying to spend some time with Lance as well. That kid has turned into quite the little social butterfly. He doesn't seem like the same kid."

"Timmy told me that. He said they don't hang out that much, but when he does talk to Lance, he has noticed a complete change in him," I said. "I just can't believe Ben didn't even notice that about Ashley."

"Well he's always been nose to the grindstone," Keith said. "We have a big seventh year meeting tomorrow, so we'll probably find out more about what happened. Everyone knows that she was relieved of her duties, but a lot of people don't know why. I am sure it will come up at some point. Honestly, I just want this year to be over. I like your friends and everyone else, but they just aren't by biggest concern at the moment."

"I just want to have Michelle," I said and I placed my hands on my belly out of habit. "I just want her in my arms already. I can't believe there was a time when I felt depressed that I was pregnant. I am so happy now, and I just want her here. March can't get here fast enough. Mum and Ashley's mum have told me that once you have the baby, you have a hard time remembering what life was like before that. I am starting to understand what they mean, and she will be here in less than two months."

"I know," Keith said and he placed a hand on my belly as well. "I am already checking my parchment quite a bit in case you go into labour early."

"Well remember, the longer she is in me, the better," I told him.

"To an extent, and I know," Keith said. "And it seems odd. All those girls who were bothering you have already forgotten about you. I am not saying that's a bad thing, but it just shows how easily people forget things at Hogwarts. They've already moved on."

"I don't even care about them anymore," I said. "I never have to see them again. I'll see my girls soon and that's all that matters. Soon enough, we'll all be able to see each other when we want and without curfews or supervision."

"Because we'll be the parents," Keith said with a grin. "And chances are at first we won't have a life."

In the past if someone had said that, it would have depressed me, but it didn't anymore. Now, I would trade a Saturday of drinking to stay home with my baby. I just hoped I would always have that attitude. I wanted more than one kid and once we had more than one, it would be a lot harder because I wanted them close in age. It made me wonder how the Hoofer's had done it with four of them. Barry would have been six or so when Ben was born. Little kids were always on the go, and they always wanted someone to play with them. How had Mrs. Hoofer kept her eye on all of them and taken care of baby Ben?

As Michelle's birth drew closer, I was having more and more sleepless nights. It wasn't just from Michelle moving around a lot, but because my back bothered me even more and my feet hurt so much. It got to the point that I couldn't go for my walks anymore, and if I did, they were just in the corridors of my building. I was also so hot all the time. Mum was good about this, and she would turn the heat down, and just cover herself up in blankets, but I felt like a burden to her, especially when I had the mood swings.

The odd thing was, whenever I would have snap at her, she would never get upset with me like in the past. She never told me off or told me to watch my attitude. She would just be very understanding about it all. At times when I would vent, she would set up the footspa for me and put on the telly for me. The odd thing was, while I'd been at home, I got into Timmy's favourite telly programme. It was called Degrassi and at first I'd found it to be quite barmy but now I liked it quite a bit. The main characters were just slightly younger than we were. One of the girls had already been pregnant, although she'd done the unthinkable and had an abortion. Muggle teens even in a different country really weren't that different from us.

One morning in early March, I woke up to cramps. They were more intense than period cramps and I knew automatically what was happening. Michelle was on the way. It was a week early, but she would be fine. I'd read enough of my baby books to know that.

"Mum!" I shouted as I sat up.

And as if she'd been waiting for this moment, she was in my room so fast that she could have apparated.

"Is it time?" Mum asked hurrying over to my bed and I nodded.

"I am cramping a lot. She's on her way."

"Well we'll time the contractions," mum said. "It could still be a long while before you finally give birth. How bad are they?"

"Not so bad..." I began but then I was hit with one really intense and I gripped my bed hard. Why was something so natural so painful?

"I am just going to grab your bag," mum said once it was over. "We'll time then before I apparate you there. Why don't you write to Keith and everyone else who you want to know? I'll let your father and the family know. You tell your friends. Tell them to bring Timmy with them."

I nodded. I knew that the pains were going to get worse and it was already quite bad. Mum seemed so calm too. I reached for my parchment to write to everyone before I struggled to get out of bed. I didn't see the point in getting dressed. I'd have to get into a gown when we got to St. Mungo's anyway.

"Okay, I've written everyone," mum said. "I am going to take you over now. Have you felt anymore pain?"

I shook my head. "Not yet but I do feel uncomfortable."

"Well I'd still rather have you there. It could be hours, but it's better to be safe than sorry. I think we should apparate now before you have more contractions. Are you ready?"

I nodded and took a hold of mum's arm while she held my bag in her other arm. Before she turned on the spot, I spent a moment wondering what contractions would feel like while apparating. Moments later we were going through that uncomfortable tight feeling and then we were in the waiting room of the maternity ward in St. Mungo's.

"Go sit down," mum told me pointing at one of the chairs. "I'll see if we can summon someone."

The moment I took a seat, I was hit by more contractions. I wasn't exactly sure how long it had been since the last ones but I thought it was at least fifteen minutes. I gripped the chair and tried not to cry out. They felt even worse than the last ones. Mum returned with Healer Smeck who rushed over to me.

"How far apart are the contractions?" She asked me after they passed.

"I think at least fifteen minutes, but I don't know for sure," I replied.

"How many times have you had contractions so far?" She asked me.

"This is the second time," I answered. "Unless I've had more but I slept through them. Now that I think about it, I was dreaming about being in pain. Will the baby be here soon?"

"Your water hasn't broke?" She asked and I shook my head.

"I think you're in for a long haul then Ellen," she said. "We'll get you into your room and I'll examine you. You may not even be in labour yet."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

I was still feeling some mild aches and pains, but they weren't as intense.

"Sometimes women go into false labour. They feel the pain of contractions but you're actually not in labour. I have to examine your cervix to check and see," she told me.

"False labour?" I asked before I looked at mum who shrugged.

"I'm sorry honey, I should have told you about that. I completely forgot about it," she told me. "I should have remembered."

"It's fine mum," I told her. "I even read about it in my books but I didn't think much about it."

I got to my feet awkwardly and mum placed a hand on my back to help guide me to the examining room. I didn't make it very far before I felt the oddest sensation ever. I let out a moan as I glanced down to see liquid at my feet. It was trickling down my legs.

"I guess that answers our question," Healer Smeck said to me with a smile. "You must have been in labour a lot longer than you realized. Let's get you into your room."

"So does that mean the baby will be here any minute?" I asked as mum continued to guide me. "Keith is probably still asleep. I need him here."

"No, you could still be in labour for a while," she told me. "Every pregnancy is different. Your water breaking is just telling us that you truly are in labour and it's not a false labour. Some women don't feel contractions until after their water breaks. You started before. Some women can still be in labour for twenty-four hours after the water breaks."

I stopped and stared at her. "Twenty-four hours?" I asked. "You mean I could feel those pains for twenty-four hours? Why don't I remember reading any of this? I just thought that I get the pains, my water breaks and the baby is born moments later. That's what it is like on the telly."

"The telly makes it more dramatic," Healer Smeck told me. "Not every woman always has a big breakage when their water breaks. Sometimes it's just a trickle. You have a lot, but it could be because it's your first pregnancy. We're just going to set you up in your room, but it could be hours still."

"Hours," I repeated. "Well at least I don't have to worry about Keith missing her birth. That's been one of my fears lately. It's only three in the morning, so they are probably still asleep."

"Right now, I want you to relax," Healer Smeck told me. "I know it might be hard, but I don't want you to have feel any unnecessary stress. Keith will be here. We'll get you comfortable in your bed, but you are also welcome to walk around a bit. You haven't had anymore contractions since you arrived."

I decided that I didn't want to lay down right away. If she was right, I wasn't just going to lay there and wait around. She gave me a pad to wear because the water was actually still trickling out a bit, and then I began pacing around deep in thought about the new life that could be there that very day. After pacing for a bit, I had another hit of contractions, and that was when I decided to sit down in my bed. I'd packed my diary to my baby in my bag, so I decided to write another entry to Michelle.

Well, today is your birthday Michelle, or it could be. It is the sixth of March. It is a day that I will always remember even if you are born tomorrow. I'll always remember it because it's the day that I really realized that you were coming. Of course I've known since the moment I found out I was pregnant, but now feeling these pains and seeing my water break, I truly know that I am going to be a mother. So very soon I am going to be holding you in my arms for the first time, and I can't wait. I know very soon I am going to be in a lot more pain than I have been so far, but every mother tells me it's worth it and I know it will be.

While I was writing to Michelle, dad walked into the room. I was surprised to see him. I knew mum had written to him, but I still hadn't expected for him to arrive. He walked right over to give me a hug. I glanced at the clock to see that it was now five in the morning. That meant that very soon my friends would be waking up to see my message. They would all get excited and rush over. I just hoped Keith wouldn't worry that he missed the birth.

"Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?" Dad asked me.

"No not at all," I said. "I'm writing to the baby right now. I've been writing to her since I knew she was on the way. I'm going to give her this for her seventeenth birthday."

"That's odd to think about," dad said with a smile. "I am still having a hard time believing that you're seventeen and Timmy is twelve. He'll be thirteen soon. I'm sure she'll appreciate that. It was something I actually considered doing for you two, but I've never been much of a writer."

"I just worry sometimes she'll think she was a mistake," I said. "I am going to do my best to make sure she never thinks that. I hope when she reads the diary that she'll see how much she is loved if she ever has any doubts."

"Ellen, you'll be such a good mother that she'll know that," dad said to me.

"You don't know that," I said. "Everyone keeps saying that, but I've never been that nice to Timmy."

"You have," dad said to me. "Look, I know I haven't been around the last few years, so maybe my opinion doesn't matter to you. However, just because you had your sibling rivalry with Timmy, it doesn't mean you didn't love him. You've always been very protective of him. You took care of him when he was stressed out by our divorce, you were there for him when we were in hiding. Just because you felt annoyed by him, it doesn't mean that you haven't been a good sister to him."

"I haven't always been a good sister to him though," I said. "Even Timmy says that to me."

"There is a difference between being a big sister and being a parent," dad answered. "Most people fight with their siblings."

"I know," I said. "I still worry."

I was gripped by contractions moments later, and dad reached over to take my hand. After they passed, we continued to talk while I wrote to Michelle. After a while, I put the diary away because Healer Smeck wanted to examine me to see how much I was dilated. My contractions were coming quicker and quicker by that point. She told me that perhaps I'd have a fast labour after all. I hoped she was right. I really wanted Michelle to be here.

It wasn't long after that before Keith rushed into the room.

"Good," he said. "I was worried I'd miss the birth."

"Healer Smeck thinks it will be soon," I said. "At first she thought it might be as long as twenty-four hours, but my contractions have been coming quicker and quicker since I got here. She thinks I might have even been in labour before I even realized it. I guess Michelle really wants to be here because sometimes first time births take forever."

"There is a good chance you were," mum said to me. "You have been uncomfortable for the last couple of days. Just because you haven't felt pain, it doesn't mean that you weren't in labour. Considering how quick this is, I think you might have been. You've been complaining of a back ache."

"My back always hurts," I pointed out to her. "But that doesn't matter. I am glad. I hope this goes even quicker now that Keith is here," and then I turned to him. "Is everyone else here?"

Keith nodded. "Yes we all came together. Timmy is worried because the baby is early, but we reassured him that a week isn't a big deal."

"Well he'll see that soon enough-" I began but then I was hit with even more intense cramps. They were worse than any of the other ones. So far I had been good about not crying out, but that time I couldn't help it. It really hurt. Both Keith and mum took a hold of my hands. Neither complained when I squeezed them really hard. I was sure earlier I had hurt dad earlier, but he hadn't said a word either. Normally on the telly people would cry out.

"I think you're almost ready," mum told me. "I'll go get the Healer."

I noticed her massaging her hand as she went, so I knew I had to have hurt her.

"Are you okay?" I asked Keith once mum left the room and he smiled at me.

"Leave it to you to ask that," he said.

"Well I know squeezed hard," I said.

"Whatever pain you give me I know you are feeling ten times worse," Keith answered. "It's okay honey. I'd do it for you if I could."

"With our next one maybe you should," I said. "I've heard some pregnant women get irrational and they say things while they give birth. If I do end up doing that Keith, I hope you know I don't mean any of that."

"I know," Keith said to and he leaned forward to kiss my forehead.

It wasn't until about ten in the morning when I was allowed to start pushing. According to mum, this was a short labour but I felt like it had been a long time since I'd first woken up with labour pains. It felt even longer once the pains got even worse, and then when I started to push. I didn't even remember much about it. I remember yelling and regretting that I hadn't taken any pain killers.

What I did remember was my baby's first cry into the world. Michelle came into the world screaming loudly. Keith cut the umbilical cord, and then Healer Smeck wrapped her up and then handed her to me. The moment she was in my arms, she seemed to understand that she was with her mummy because she slowly calmed down until she finally stopped crying altogether.

I couldn't believe that my baby was finally here, but she was. I was holding her in my arms, and all that pain from the last few hours didn't matter to me. I just stared into my little girls face. It was hard to tell who she looked like more, but I thought I could already see both traces of Keith and me in her. She had very dark hair though.

Healer Smeck had to clean her off and check her over after a while, and then Keith held her. Mum was openly crying, but I realized I was too. After mum had a chance to hold her, I turned to Keith.

"Why don't you tell everyone else that she is here?" I suggested to him. "I want to tell Ashley and Ben right away that they're the godparents."

Keith nodded and then hurried out of the room. While he was gone, mum and I stared down at Michelle again.

"Reality really has set in," I said. "I know I have said and thought that a lot, but now that I am holding her, it truly has. I am a mother."

"And I am a grandmother," mum said. "She's so beautiful Ellen. You did a wonderful job."

"The pain was worth it but next time I think I'll take whatever pain killer potion they have," I told mum.

"So there will be a next time?" Mum asked me with a smile.

"Of course," I answered. "I feel so excited right now and so happy. This is a moment I can relive over and over again. I can't believe last summer I felt so depressed. I was upset because I thought my life was over, but it's not. It has just begun. I don't care about any of the stuff I thought I was missing out on because I wouldn't ever want to miss out on this."

"Just wait until she starts hitting the milestones," mum said to me.

Everyone entered the hospital room moments later, and they all started gushing over her. Ashley was already crying, but I could see Ben and Michael's eyes shining too. I glanced at my little brother to see that he was blinking quickly too as he stared at her. Even dad looked a little teary. I didn't want to let her go, but I knew everyone would want to hold her. Although I probably should have let dad hold her first, it wasn't him I wanted to hold her at that moment. It was my best friend and her godmother. Keith seemed to sense this because without a word, he took Michelle from me and handed her to Ashley.

After Ashley held her for a bit, I asked Timmy who I wanted to be next to hold her, but he wouldn't do it. He was too scared because she was so small, so Ashley handed her to dad next. I was disappointed because I knew how excited he was about her, but I could understand his fear. Perhaps when we were at home and he was sitting he would hold onto her. I was going to let him baby-sit her after all. I knew I could trust her with him. He was going to make a wonderful uncle.

Once everyone had a chance to hold her, I finally decided to make my announcement. Everyone, even dad knew that I was making Ashley and Ben the godparents.

"We wanted to talk to you two as well. It was a very hard decision for us to make, because there are so many candidates that we could choose. We talked about it for a very long time. We've decided we would like for the two of you to be godparents."

It wasn't true of course that it was a hard decision to make. I'd made up my mind basically the moment I accepted I was pregnant and Keith knew that. However, I didn't want anyone in the room or any of our friends later on to feel left out. As expected, even though Ashley and Ben were very happy about it, Michael wasn't. I knew out of everyone that he would take it the wrong way, which was why I'd wanted to say that we'd considered a lot of people. I didn't want him to think we wouldn't want him as a god parent. He would be with one of our kids. Ashley was the first person in line though.

Michael left the room, and Ashley quickly followed him.

"Perhaps I should have waited," I said as I watched him go. "I didn't want anyone to feel left out."

"Don't worry about him," Ben said to me. "Even he knew that it was likely it would Ashley. I am sure you considered her before me."

"Yes, it was always her," I said and I glanced at Keith. "And he knew it too. He didn't even suggest Dan because he knew I wanted it to be her."

"I don't even think it's about that anyway," Keith said. "He has been this way for a while. I think it's the family thing. I heard him talking to Jared not that long ago that he feels he'll never get married and have kids. It's probably just seeing us with a baby."

"It's true," Ben chimed in. "He has said a few things to me too."

"Well he shouldn't be getting all upset in front of Ellen," Timmy said. "This is Michelle and Ellen's day and he is making it about himself."

"Well I think that's why he left," mum said to Timmy. "I don't think he wanted to react that way, but sometimes if you're emotional, it happens."

"There's something else," Ben said and he turned to Keith and me. "I am just worried about taking the spotlight off of the two of you and Michelle."

"It won't," I said knowing automatically what he wanted to do. "Are you doing today. Ooh are you going to ask her in here? That would be perfect!"

"You're going to ask her to marry you right now?" Timmy asked excitedly.

Ben laughed. "No, not in this room. It's just that meeting Michelle has made me feel that this is the perfect moment. You two are starting your lives right now, and I am ready to start mine. We don't have to be back at Hogwarts for a few days, so I want to take her out for dinner to propose after we leave here. I just didn't want to take the attention off of you two and Michelle."

"No it's perfect," I said. "And then you can tell her that you got engaged the day she was born. She'll love it!"

"I think it's the right time," mum told him. "And I wouldn't say that if I didn't think so. I agree with Ellen. Michelle will love to know that you two were engaged the day she was born. You're her godparents after all."

"I think you should do it right now," Timmy said to Ben but Ben shook his head with a smile.

"No, I want it to be just us. You know Ashley doesn't like an audience. Don't worry, we'll celebrate our engagement together later," Ben told him before turning to me. "I have to talk to Ashley's mum and step father first. I feel nervous about it."

"Oh they love you Ben," I said. "They'll be excited about it."

"Darla told me she is looking forward to that," mum confirmed for him.

"I can't believe you lot are already ready for this," dad said shaking his head and he glanced at Michelle. "You're already starting your families."

Michael and Ashley returned not too much longer after that. It was so hard to contain my excitement. This had to be one of the best days of my life. I finally had my little girl in my arms and my best friends were getting engaged. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt this happy, and I couldn't believe there had been a time I'd been so depressed about not getting Ben. I wished I could tell my fifth year self that things would get a lot better. I would tell her there would be a time when all of that drama didn't matter because I would have the most beautiful baby in my arms, and she was mine.

I went home the next day. We took the floo network home instead of apparating. I had mum hold her because I didn't trust myself quite yet with such a tiny baby. I didn't want to do anything that could harm her. Once we were in our flat though, I took my baby from mum to show her around her first home. I was relieved to be back at home where I would have a lot more privacy. I'd gotten sick of that hospital room quite quickly. Now I could relax in my own home with my new baby.

I was exhausted though. Newborn babies had to be fed quite a bit. Mum and Keith had told me we'd take it in turns since I had some bottles already. I'd pumped some breast milk but I wanted to try and do every feeding.

"Ellen, you should get some sleep before everyone comes over," mum told me. "Keith, Timmy and me can handle her, but you really haven't slept. Your friends will be over in a few hours. Take a nap so that you aren't too tired for her. We can feed her. Trust me, I've done this before."

"I know," I said. "Of course I trust all three of you. I just don't want to abandon my baby."

"You're not abandoning her by sleeping," Keith told me.

"You can't take care of her if you don't get some rest," Timmy added. "And now that I've held her, I know I can do it. I want to do the next feeding. So that's why you should sleep."

Timmy had decided to hold her while he was sitting in the chair where he knew he couldn't drop her. After that, the fear was gone and he had held her a few more times since. I didn't mind letting him feed her, so I finally nodded.

"Okay, but make sure you wake me a half hour before they're supposed to come," I said.

"Don't worry," Keith said.

I headed to my room thinking that it was going to take me forever to fall asleep. I was going to worry about Michelle, or else I was going to think about how happy I was. However, I must have been more exhausted than I realized because I fell asleep almost instantly. I felt like no time had passed when Keith was shaking me awake.

"Your friends will be here soon," Keith said to me.

"How is Michelle?" I asked instantly as I got out of bed quickly.

I was still feeling pain, and any fast movement hurt, so I regretted this instantly.

"She's fine honey, Timmy has her. He is feeding her. It's really cute. I can't wait until Lance meets her. My parents and Lance are coming tomorrow by the way," Keith said. "Why don't you wash up a bit. Remember, you can't really move that fast either. You need to relax. Michelle will be fine."

"I know," I said. "It's hard not to worry Keith."

I went into the washroom to wash up quickly. When I entered the living room, it was to find Timmy just setting Michelle in the cradle that Ashley's mum had given me. Timmy had gone from being terrified of holding her to looking like a little father. He almost seemed like an expert as he put her gently in the cradle.

"All taken care of," Timmy said to me with a smile.

I started to cry, but apparently this was normal. New mum's cried a lot over the smallest things after giving birth. It had to do with hormones. It was just seeing him being a good uncle to her that set me off, and knowing that she was loved and so was I.

"Did I do something wrong?" Timmy asked looking worried.

"No," I said. "You're perfect. That's why I am crying."

Timmy raised his eyebrows and looked at mum.

"Don't question it," mum told him with a smile. "Ellen, why don't you relax while you wait for your friends to get here? Sit down with Michelle. We'll take some pictures while we wait."

I froze when mum said this. I didn't recall any pictures taken at the hospital. Had we missed out on taking pictures of her while we'd been there?

"What's wrong?" Keith asked me.

"We didn't get any pictures of Michelle at the hospital I said. I won't have any pictures from yesterday."

"Yes we do," mum said. "I took some, and so did Healer Smeck and your father."

"I don't remember any of that," I said.

"Well you were a bit busy dear," mum told me with a smile. "Don't worry, we have pictures. They aren't developed yet, but I'll make sure we have plenty for your scrapbook and for around the living-room and in the album. Believe me, we'll be taking a lot of pictures. You'll probably have too many."

"I don't think that will ever be the case," I said.

I continued to make my way over to the chair where the cradle was beside. She was in a cute pink onesie. I was sure that she had been wearing a yellow one earlier, but perhaps she had spit up or something. That had happened quite a bit already and unfortunately some cleaning spells didn't get the smell out. It took scourgify to take it out and obviously we couldn't leave the clothes on her to do so. Already, I could see a pile of washable diapers that mum had washed. We'd decided to go for those instead of the disposable ones. It would save money that way, and with magic we could vanish the waste and then wash and dry the diapers easily.

I sat down and stared down at my baby girl. She stared back at me, and I wondered what she was thinking. Did she truly know who I was? I figured she had to. Each time she'd cried so far, she seemed to be the most comforted in my arms than anyone elses. She had calmed down so quickly yesterday when I'd first held her.

"I think she has your nose," I said to Keith as I took in my daughters face.

"She has your eyes and lips," Keith said to me. "I think your chin too. I just don't know who she got the black hair from. It could be from my Uncle Lenny. He has black hair."

"My grandmum on my dad's side has dark hair," I said as I thought about it. "We always found it odd that dad had blond hair and we've all been blond. Perhaps it came out in Michelle."

The dark hair had been something I'd been wondering about, but no one else had questioned it. I was worried because I didn't want anyone to think I'd cheated on Keith. We both had blond hair, and yet we had a dark haired baby. Jared and a few other boys had black hair. Just what if someone tried to imply that I'd cheated on Keith with Jared?

"That will likely turn blonde," mum said. "Timmy and Ellen were both born with black hair. By the time they were a year, it was blond. Timmy had blond hair by the time he was six months if I recall it correctly, That happens sometimes. Some kids are born blond and but their hair darkens or they have light hair and it darkens."

"That is true," I said quickly as I thought back to my own baby pictures. I would have to compare them later. "I forgot all about that. I haven't looked at my baby pictures for a long time though. I even remember that Timmy had dark hair too when I think about it."

"But it wouldn't be so bad if she did keep the dark hair would it?" Timmy asked. "She'll be a pretty girl either way."

"Of course," I said. "It won't matter to me. We just wondered because both Keith and me have blond hair. That's usually how it works."

"Not always," mum replied. "But I think Michelle is going to be a blue eyed and blond haired little girl."

"Well her eyes are already blue though," Timmy pointed out.

"But babies usually are born with blue eyes," mum said. "Their eye colour changes later on."

"That's weird," Timmy said. "There is so much that I didn't know."

"Anyway Ellen, I am going to go home for a bit. Lance is at home now. I want to see if I can convince my parents to come tonight instead of tomorrow," Keith said. "I'll be back later either way, but I really would like for them to meet her. I need some rest too. I'll let you visit with your friends alone. I'm a bit too tired for company."

"You should have taken a nap with me then," I said.

"I know," Keith said with a smile. "But I do want to see my parents. Don't worry, I'll be back tonight."

He walked over to give me a kiss and then he leaned down to kiss Michelle in her cradle. Seeing my fiancé kiss his daughter brought on the waterworks for me. I had to wonder how long this would last for. Would I cry over everything? None of my tears were from unhappiness, which was good, but I hadn't expected to be crying so much. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.

Keith saw the tears and wiped them before kissing me again and then apparating away.

"So did Ben propose to Ashley?" Mum asked as soon as he was gone.

"Yes, but I want you two to act surprised," I said. "It's her news to tell, so I want you to be excited for her. I am sure eventually we can tell her that everyone knew all along, but right now I just want her to be excited while she tells you. She told me last night on the parchment."

"How did he do it then?" Timmy asked.

"I'll let her explain, but if she doesn't, I will tell you later," I said. "They'll be here at any moment."

I glanced down at Michelle. She was still watching me. How did babies think anyway? I doubted they thought the same way we did since they really wouldn't have much language skills. She had to understand that I was important to her though. As we stared at each other, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," mum told me when I went to get up. "I need to get some snacks from the kitchen anyway."

I felt nervous suddenly, and I didn't know why. They had seen me in the hospital yesterday after all. I was cleaner and I looked better than I had the day before. I was even almost back to my old size again, and that was unexpected. I still had ten pounds or still lingering around my stomach, but it wasn't noticeable in the dress I was wearing. I'd picked this dress for that reason. Once I was good and ready, I planned to exercise to get back to my old size or at least close to it. I knew my body would be exactly the same as it had been before, but my mum was skinny so I knew I could as well. I'd expected to still look big once I'd had Michelle.

I didn't have long to contemplate why I felt so nervous. Moments later, Ashley, Michael and Ben were in the living-room. All three were smiling at me. As soon as I saw them, the feeling went away. Later, I would wonder why I had felt that way but at the moment, only one thing was on my mind. I wanted to see the ring on Ashley's finger. So as they walked over, I smiled at her.

"Let me see the ring," I said quickly.

"I thought you already saw it," Ashley said but she held her hand out to me once she was close enough. I took a hold of her hand to gaze at it. It looked even prettier on her hand.

"It's different seeing you actually wear it," I told her. "It took us forever to look for it you know."

"When did this happen anyway?" Ashley asked. "I don't recall a time when the three of you would have went to Hogsmeade without me."

"You met up with Alana for a while," I answered. "Remember? She wanted you to help her pick out a gift for a boy. You wanted me to come, but I told you I promised I'd hang out with Keith, but really I was with Michael and Ben."

"I want to see!" Timmy who had been sitting on the floor and going over some more of the gifts we'd gotten since yesterday. "I always knew you two would be engaged!"

"You're engaged?" Mum asked entering the room with a tray of snacks which made me smile. She genuinely sounded surprised. "You finally asked her?" She added to Ben.

"He did it yesterday," Ashley answered. "Shortly after we got home from the hospital I went to my spot by a pond in my town, and he found me there and proposed."

"I told him to hurry up and do it. I think it's fitting that you two got engaged on Michelle's birthday," I told her just to make sure they both knew that it was okay. I didn't want them to ever think they were overshadowing us. I couldn't wait until she was old enough to understand that they'd gotten engaged on her birthday.

I glanced at everyone in the room. Michael hadn't said a word by that point. He was busy staring at Michelle in her cradle. She'd noticed him by that point, and she was now looking at him instead of me. She seemed to have a good attention span for day old baby. I thought I remembered reading in one of my baby books that babies really couldn't focus right away.

"It's a new beginning for all of us," I said addressing all of us. It was a new beginning for Michael too.

"I can't believe how grown up we are," Ashley said which was something I'd been thinking about for the past nine months. "I've been keeping up with our scrapbooks you know. Last night I added a page in mine for our engagement. I have no pictures for it, but I drew a ring and I put in Michelle's birth."

"I've been working on mine still too," I said.

At the moment I hadn't done anything about her birth, but I would. It was up to date however. Once we were home for a few days, I would sit down and go through my book and her diary. I hadn't decided if I was going to keep her diary up or not. I didn't know if I would end it after yesterday, or if I would keep it going until her first birthday.

"I can't believe you two are still working on those," Michael said. "I am glad you are though. It's amazing to see us grow up through the years."

"We're making ones for the two of you as well," Ashley told him. "It will be our graduation presents to you."

"I'm starting one for Michelle too," I told them. "I want it to go from her birth until she graduates Hogwarts."

"Where's Keith?" Ben asked.

"He went home for a little bit," I explained. "He wanted to visit with his parents and they will probably be here later."

"You know June and Sally-Anne are working on scrapbooks now too," Timmy said. "Ever since they found out what you two are doing they've been trying to get as many pictures as they can of all of us. I think it's stupid."

"We thought it was at one time as well," Michael told him. "Once you're older you'll appreciate it. It's kind of neat. We've all come a long way since first year."

"So has June," Ashley said. "She seems to be getting more outgoing. I hope she keeps the buddy system going once I am gone."

"She plans to," Timmy told her. "She already told us that she is hoping to find someone to help out. Tracy thinks it's dumb of course, but I like it. If it weren't for you and Alana, I think June would still be extremely shy."

"If it wasn't for these guys I would still be shy," Ashley said to him and then she put an arm around me.

"You did a lot of it on your own though," Michael told her.

"Exactly, we can't take all the credit," Ben said to her.

Ashley didn't say anything, she seemed to be staring into space.

"Earth to Ashley!" Ben said as he leaned forward to wave a hand in her face. Ashley blinked quickly and then looked at Ben with confusion and then she smiled.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about things," she replied.

"Can't really blame you," I said and leaned over to hug her. . "I kept going into a daze after I got engaged."

"Have you two set a date yet?" Mum asked them.

"We talked about it," Ben said. "We're thinking between next Easter break or during the summer. We want it to be during the holidays so that we can have everyone." He looked at Michael. "You'll be best man of course."

"And you'll be Maid of Honor," Ashley said me.

I was surprised by this. She had other females in her life besides me. I really didn't have anyone else. She had her sister and Rachel who had been there for her since her birth. It wasn't just that, but after all the drama I'd caused for them, I didn't think they'd want me to be part of their wedding.

"Raelly?" I asked happily. "I just always believed either it would be Jaime or Rachel or-"

"You've been there for me the most," Ashley interrupted. "Although it is going to be hard to decide to others. I do want Jaime to be a bridesmaid. I would have liked a Hufflepuff wedding party too, but I can't leave out Jaime and Rachel."

"So have the girls in it anyway," mum told her. "There is no rule to how many bridesmaids you can have. Of course too many can be tacky, but if you really want to include your dorm mates, I don't see why you shouldn't. It's your wedding."

"It would be six bridesmaids and one maid of honor," I said. "So you'd have seven. I don't think that is too many."

"And I'll want Barry," Ben said. "Then Stan, Hank, Jared, Keith and Dan. Joey and Brad can probably be ushers."

I was actually surprised that Barry wasn't going to be his best man. Barry had chosen Ben over his best friend Nick, and they were closer than Ben and Michael were. I had a feeling that Ben did it so Michael wouldn't feel left out. It was something I'd have to ask him later. I most certainly wasn't going to ask at that moment.

"I can't believe you're all planning your weddings," mum sighed. "I suppose I should be glad you are able to though. I feel too young to be a grandmother, and I feel too young for my daughter's wedding."

"My mum feels the same way," Ashley said. "She rarely cries but she was all teary eye this morning."

"My mum can't stop either," Ben laughed. "And Nick is planning on proposing to Brianne soon."

"And she's pregnant too," Ashley said.

"Brianne is pregnant!?" I said excitedly. That meant her baby would be close in age with Michelle. They could be friends! "I didn't know that. That's great! All of our kids are going to be growing up together."

"Brianne isn't pregnant," Ben said with a frown. "Why do you say that?"

"You mean you haven't noticed?" Michael asked.

"She has a belly and she refused to drink last night," Ashley said. "I am surprised she hasn't announced it yet. I thought you knew but you just hadn't told us yet."

"I honestly didn't notice that," Ben said. "I'll have to ask her. I can't believe they didn't tell me that! Brianne tells me everything!"

"Maybe they're waiting for the right moment," I said.

I figured they didn't want to say anything because of Ashley and Ben's engagement. They were probably going to do everything in one go. We truly all were growing up. I couldn't believe there was a time when we'd had carefree days where we'd learned about make up from Brianne. I remembered the first time we had makeovers and I was stressed about how Michael had felt about me. We'd been young and innocent like Timmy and his friends. Now we were all moving on, and three of us (including Rachel) were mothers, and one was an expectant mother. Most of us were engaged or already married. Soon our kids would be growing up and we'd be the ones making the rules. Someday we'd have a bunch of teenagers, and that just seemed odd. I had a hard time thinking past Michelle's first birthday.

"Brianne knew I was going to propose so that is likely," Ben said.

"How is Brenda taking the news about Nick and Brianne then?" Michael asked.

"Well she doesn't know that Nick is going to propose soon," Ben said. "She's still unhappy about them being together, but I expect it will be worse when she knows about the baby and all. She's never gotten over Nick. She needs to meet another bloke so that she can move on."

"But I expect that won't be easy now. How often does she go out to meet them? She just works and then spends all her time in her room," I said.

"Well, she's moved out," Ben said. "But she likely just spends all her time in her flat. She was angry to come home to see that mum has already basically changed their old room. It still has the Ravenclaw theme. I don't their going to change that. They want a Ravenclaw room for the grand kids, but it's also more for kids now. They're going to do the same with my room too. They're keeping it Hufflepuff in case we have Hufflepuff kids."

"What if one of you have kids in Gryffindor or Slytherin?" Timmy asked.

"Well if it comes to that, it's an easy fix," Ben told him.

"But they seem to already be expecting a big brood of grandchildren," I said.

"Well it's almost expected with five of us, and plus mum and dad wanted me to tell you that Michelle or any other kid you have is welcome," Ben told me. "They already take Hayden quite a bit as well. They want us all to know that everyone's kids will always be welcome."

"Five of you?" Timmy asked. "I thought you only had two sisters and one brother."

"I have two brothers," Ben said and he moved over to put an arm around Michael. "My parents adopted Michael and any kids he has will be their grandchildren."

"My parents feel the same way," Ashley said.

"And so do I," mum said. "I want you lot to know that too. I'll take care of any of your children as well. I've actually already had Hayden for a few weekends."

"I never knew that," Ashley said looking at mum.

"Yes, Rachel couldn't find anyone a few times and your mum wrote and asked me. I told Rachel that he is more than welcome to come here on weekends," mum answered. "I don't mind having the little ones here."

That seemed a little odd to me when I thought about it. Rachel seemed to have people take Hayden a lot on weekends. She didn't work on weekends. I didn't know much about it because I didn't often see Rachel or Hayden, but I kept hearing stories about her dropping him off at someone's house. I couldn't imagine doing that with Michelle and she'd just been in my life for day.

"Well at least we know we have plenty of baby-sitters," Ben said grinning. "People are already offering to take our kids, and we don't have any yet."

"Well I will be and you will be taking mine," I said. "Once Michelle is old enough, you'll be taking her. She is your god daughter after all."

"We can take her now if you'd like," Ashley said with a smile.

"No," I said quickly even though I knew she was joking. "I'm not ready for that yet. I still can't imagine having her go away for a weekend even though we are talking about it."

"Believe me, the time will come for that," mum told me. "You're still a new mum, but wait until you have a couple of toddlers running around. You'll want a weekend to yourself."

"I don't think so," I said and I glanced at Michelle again.

I felt like I couldn't get enough of her. I wanted to spend all my time with her. Mum just smiled at me but she didn't contradict me. I didn't know when I'd be ready for her to actually have a visit with her god parents. At the moment, I didn't even like being in a different room from her.


End file.
